It's been quite a while since I posted anything here. I think my last post was over a month ago and I have no idea what it said so I'm just going to hit the major points of what has been going on in my life lately, so pretty much the same as always. I finished my classes with seconds to spare. I managed to give myself food poisoning (I think from a Wendy's hamburger) so I was incredibly sick for about 3-4 days during finals week but I managed to finish everything up "mostly" in time. In spite of my last minute slacker-ish ways I still got A's in all of my classes which bumped my GPA well over the requirement. I thought I would have to take one more class over the summer but it seems the history department either changed their requirements or just forgot what they were. That means I'm just a handful of signatures and a couple of weeks of thesis revisions away from being done with my MA. It doesn't seem real yet. I was this close four years ago and everything fell apart so I'm not celebrating just yet. Besides, my adviser has gone missing for the last two weeks. I begged to be assigned a different adviser because I knew this would happen. I guess I'll just have to continue to be persistent until I get what I need. I have until August 5th to get everything done but realistically I could be done by July and that would be pretty awesome!
Work has been about the same lately. My favorite work friend just recently accepted another job offer and will be leaving in a few weeks. That makes me sad. He's the second person to leave in less than a year and at least 3 others (including me) have been actively trying to get away for months. Hopefully this will send a message to the "higher ups" that we are not being paid anything close to what we should be. (Something like $15,000 less than the national average.) I haven't decided if I'm going to apply for his job or not. It would pay slightly more, be slightly more work, and be a nicer sounding title. The work itself would not be significantly different but I guess it would expand my qualifications somewhat. I'm a little hesitant to go through that stress when I already have one foot out the door. There is also a job opening in Utah that I am considering but equally unsure of. Maybe I'll apply for both and keep my options open.
I went to a conference in Utah a week ago. I was there for five days and only went to the conference because 1) I have to spend my travel budget to spend before July 1st and, 2) I wanted to spend time with my boyfriend on his birthday and this was a good way to justify the time and expense. The conference itself was painful. It was 8 hours of classes that had little relevance to my interests and goals. Boyfriend turned 30 and we spent a lot of time together in spite of his having to work a couple days while I was there. I was going to surprise him by leaving Friday so I could go to his big birthday bash but he just kept persisting and pushing and asking when I was leaving and I couldn't lie to him that many times so I had to finally spill the beans and admit that I was going to leave in time for his party instead of the next day, like I had been telling him. I got no credit for trying to surprise him or even for the extra effort of leaving a day early, instead I was told to leave an hour earlier than I planned on so that we wouldn't be late for anything. It was kind kind of cold and businessy and I felt like maybe some other emotions were in order. I got there with almost 2 hours to spare and we hung out watching tv in that time. He then bought an energy drink that should probably not be legal since it had something like 300 mg of caffeine and after drinking it he turned into a hyperactive 12 year old, which made the rest of the evening more than a little irritating but I held my tongue since it was his birthday party. The rest of the trip was better but I still alternated between feelings of extreme irritation at his lack of maturity and feelings of affection when he was actually acting like a mature adult. It pains me to say it, but I was actually kind of glad to be going home by the end of the trip and that's not a good thing. Relationships are so complicated. I really do love him but there are times when I can't stand to be around him. The best way I can explain it is that he sometimes out of the clear blue turns into this junior high class clown and does stupid things trying to get a laugh and that sort of behavior pissed me off when I was 13, it's even less funny at 30. He knows it's not funny but instead of stopping he tries harder to force the issue. "Yes, I heard what you said... it wasn't funny the first time so I don't know why it would be funny the 3rd or 4th time. I'm ignoring you for a reason." I had a long chat with my mom last night. I was planning on bringing Boyfriend home for a long weekend in June. This would be the first guy I've ever brought home and I'm not sure I want to anymore. He's a great guy, and I hoped this behavior was just temporary since I didn't notice it when we first met but it's starting to seem this is who he really is and he was just not being his full immature self when we first met. If that's the case... I'm not sure how this is going to work. I'm certainly not moving to a different state to be with the class clown that I went out of my way to avoid for most of my life.
I'm sure I'm being too hard on him. I know I'm hard on my friends and even harder on my boyfriends. They have to live up to impossible expectations and I am the spin master. I can talk myself into or out of anything and I can make someone sound horrible or wonderful drawing from the same events and characteristics. Now I have to determine if I'm just being too hard on him or if his corny joking is really as offensive as I'm making it seem in my head.
I think I'm just cranky and restless. It's supposed to be spring and I've only seen the sun for brief moments for almost two weeks. I want to go somewhere and do something but I don't know where or what and I don't want to drive to do it. Actually, what I really want is to stay home and be left alone for at least a day if not three. I need my own apartment but I don't want the commitment of a lease. I think once again I've reached the point that I need to make a decision and just go with it. (Or maybe several.)
To let loose,
to let free,
to breathe in,
to breathe out,
Peace out.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Breathing Again
I was at home Friday after work. It was about 6:00 and my phone rang. I recognized the number as being an NAU number. I had a mini panic attack and opted to not answer. I knew it was someone calling about the job I interviewed for and I knew they wouldn't call at 6:00 on a Friday if it was good news. A job offer would have come earlier in the week. It was kind of a chicken move but I was right. She left a voice mail saying they had offered the job to another candidate and that they had accepted. She went on to say lots of very kind things about meeting me and the interview. I had prepared myself for the worst and the best without really deciding what that meant. I instantly felt a wave of relief since it sucks to be stuck in limbo for two months not knowing where you'll be living come June. But then I was oddly sad. I'm not sure I wanted the job and I certainly didn't want to decline the job but I sill kind of wanted to be given the option and for them to want me. I should just leave it at that. I learned so much from the interview process and I feel really great about getting as far as I did in such a competitive position. But it's hard to not have thoughts like: "why didn't they want me?" or "what did I do wrong in my interview?" None of that is productive though.
So, here I am. There are worse places. It's almost spring and now I'm better prepared and know more about what I want out of a job. Honestly, I think I would have been bored in that position and left within two years. They might have suspected as much.
Now I don't have to worry about moving. I have a beautiful summer to look forward to. I can finish this semester and my last summer class without the pressure of having a job riding on it.
I'm relieved and feel like I can easily manage to finish this semester. Utah is coming this weekend, so it will be nice to see him. Just a couple weeks of classes left then I can relax for a few weeks before starting my LAST class!
To let loose,
to let free,
to breathe in,
to breathe out.
Peace out.
So, here I am. There are worse places. It's almost spring and now I'm better prepared and know more about what I want out of a job. Honestly, I think I would have been bored in that position and left within two years. They might have suspected as much.
Now I don't have to worry about moving. I have a beautiful summer to look forward to. I can finish this semester and my last summer class without the pressure of having a job riding on it.
I'm relieved and feel like I can easily manage to finish this semester. Utah is coming this weekend, so it will be nice to see him. Just a couple weeks of classes left then I can relax for a few weeks before starting my LAST class!
To let loose,
to let free,
to breathe in,
to breathe out.
Peace out.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Hot Mess
I call a do-over for today. I'm tired and crabby and I didn't sleep well last night. Also, whiny. I have roughly 10 days to complete nearly everything for my classes. It's going to be rough, but I think it will happen. The horrible one credit field class of death is coming along-ish. My internship should be done this week, possibly tonight if I get my rear in gear. My three credit readings class is rolling right along. Just two books left to review and some sort of assessment paragraph thingy to prove that I learned something. Wow, now that I outline everything it seems like I might actually survive this semester after all!
Work has been rough this week. Not because I'm busy but because I took the end of last week off and it's hard to build up momentum for some reason. I'm not sure I got anything done yesterday. I ended up leaving early to do homework but even that didn't work out quite like I planned and I wasted most of 2 hours doing who-knows-what. We have a long pointless meeting this afternoon, so that's going to kind of ruin any momentum from this morning. Oh well.
Still no word from NAU. It's been 2 1/2 weeks since they made their decision. They said it would be 2-3 weeks before I heard anything. So... that means any day. I know they had to do a background check first. Still no decision on what I will actually do if they offer. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
The boyfriend is doing well. Actually, things are pretty darn good with us right now. I wish we didn't have to wait so long between trips to see each other and I'm really worried about us both running out of vacation time... but I'm confident something will work out. I have no idea what, or how, or when... but I'm staying optimistic.
I had so much fun last weekend. I helped with a Gay Straight Alliance (GSA) summit and met some amazing high school students. Then I went to a big gay dance Friday night. I wish I didn't have to go alone but I had a ton of fun with my friends. I had no idea how MIA I've been. The running theme of the evening was "where have you been?! I haven't seen you in forever!" I had a couple of beers (something I haven't done in a month or so) and danced my little heart out with my friends. I needed that. It's been ages since I went out or did anything even remotely social.
Ok, well this didn't say anything but I still wanted to write it. I'm off to eat my scrumptious Greek yogurt now. Mango today. Mmm...
Work has been rough this week. Not because I'm busy but because I took the end of last week off and it's hard to build up momentum for some reason. I'm not sure I got anything done yesterday. I ended up leaving early to do homework but even that didn't work out quite like I planned and I wasted most of 2 hours doing who-knows-what. We have a long pointless meeting this afternoon, so that's going to kind of ruin any momentum from this morning. Oh well.
Still no word from NAU. It's been 2 1/2 weeks since they made their decision. They said it would be 2-3 weeks before I heard anything. So... that means any day. I know they had to do a background check first. Still no decision on what I will actually do if they offer. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
The boyfriend is doing well. Actually, things are pretty darn good with us right now. I wish we didn't have to wait so long between trips to see each other and I'm really worried about us both running out of vacation time... but I'm confident something will work out. I have no idea what, or how, or when... but I'm staying optimistic.
I had so much fun last weekend. I helped with a Gay Straight Alliance (GSA) summit and met some amazing high school students. Then I went to a big gay dance Friday night. I wish I didn't have to go alone but I had a ton of fun with my friends. I had no idea how MIA I've been. The running theme of the evening was "where have you been?! I haven't seen you in forever!" I had a couple of beers (something I haven't done in a month or so) and danced my little heart out with my friends. I needed that. It's been ages since I went out or did anything even remotely social.
Ok, well this didn't say anything but I still wanted to write it. I'm off to eat my scrumptious Greek yogurt now. Mango today. Mmm...
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
A Little Update-y
I seem to have recovered from the cold/ plague that I had all last week. I'm still a little stuffy but not bad. This week has been oddly productive. I seem to have found the magical time that I'm most productive and started to make use of it. It seems if I leave work at 3:30 or 4:00 and go to the library I can work nonstop until I get hungry at about 7:00ish. Too bad I'm going to be busy with the Shepard Symposium/ GSA Summit Thursday and Friday night and unable to take advantage of my magical productivity time! But tonight, oh yes... tonight I will be doing SOOO much homework!
Still no word from Arizona. It should be the end of this week or sometime next week before I hear anything at all. I'm still totally unsure if they are going to make an offer and I'm even less sure if I would accept the offer. Ultimately, I would accept the offer because it pays more... not because I would love the job significanly more than my current job or the town more than where I currently live. It's hard to put a price on what it is worth to have to move away from everyone I know. But... I also don't really want to stay where I'm at indefinatly and jobs like this don't come along often. Tricky.
Things are still going well with Utah. I miss him terribly, which surprises me for some reason. I don't know why that should surprise me. I guess it's the amount that I miss him that surprises me, not the fact that I miss him at all. He's going to come to visit in a couple weeks and I think I'll go to Salt Lake City again toward the end of the month. I really wish we could figure out a way to be closer.
Busy week with finishing up homework and projects. Lots of stuff going on this weekend. Should be fun and exciting!
Still no word from Arizona. It should be the end of this week or sometime next week before I hear anything at all. I'm still totally unsure if they are going to make an offer and I'm even less sure if I would accept the offer. Ultimately, I would accept the offer because it pays more... not because I would love the job significanly more than my current job or the town more than where I currently live. It's hard to put a price on what it is worth to have to move away from everyone I know. But... I also don't really want to stay where I'm at indefinatly and jobs like this don't come along often. Tricky.
Things are still going well with Utah. I miss him terribly, which surprises me for some reason. I don't know why that should surprise me. I guess it's the amount that I miss him that surprises me, not the fact that I miss him at all. He's going to come to visit in a couple weeks and I think I'll go to Salt Lake City again toward the end of the month. I really wish we could figure out a way to be closer.
Busy week with finishing up homework and projects. Lots of stuff going on this weekend. Should be fun and exciting!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Could you stop the ride? I would like off please...
So much going on...
I went back to my alma mater for an interview about 10 days ago. I flew out on Saturday, got in a couple hours early because I got on an earlier flight, checked in to a hotel that was nothing more than a parking lot when I was a student 6 years ago, then went for a walk around campus. So many new buildings had popped up over the years that I actually had trouble finding my old dorm and got a little lost. I'm glad to see that campus has thrived since I left. I spent Sunday polishing my presentation and didn't have anything to do until a 5:15 dinner with the woman that would be my boss, the dean of the library, and the associate dean of the library. All I knew was that I was supposed to meet someone named Karen in the lobby of my hotel at 5:15. At 5:10 I went down to the lobby to wait. At 5:13 a woman wearing an NAU lapel pin came through the doors, looked around, made eye contact with me, and then went to stand by some couches. She seemed to be looking for someone but she didn't seem to think I was the person she was looking for. I made a lap of the lobby, found no one else, and just asked the woman "are you Karen?" She replied with "I thought you would be older." I wasn't sure how to reply... We left the hotel, I got in her blue Subaru and she asked "what did you say your name was again?" I told her my name and thought "wow, you can just take me to the airport... I'm done." She admitted that she thought she was looking for someone else and that she had the wrong information and didn't know anything about me. So... I started rattling off information hoping something would jog her memory... graduated from NAU... came from Wyoming... nothing? She asked if I had a PhD in business... no... MA in History... She talked about the new College of Business building... I was confused. Finally she asked "what job are you applying for?" Turns out she was picking up someone applying to be the dean of the college of business. Two women named Karen both driving blue Subarus picking up two guys at the same hotel at 5:15. What are the odds? She drove me back to the hotel, saw the other Karen (the one I was supposed to be with) and they gave each other a hug, made a joke about stealing candidates and then I was off with the proper Karen. It was pretty funny. The actually interview process was about 8 hours long and included a full day of meetings, interviews, a lunch, tours, a presentation, and more Q&A sessions than I thought possible. It was exhausting but overall very pleasant. I flew out very early the next day and was home by mid afternoon.
Some thoughts on the interview, being back at NAU, and the prospect of moving back to Arizona:
It was amazing to be back at NAU in that capacity. I was so unhappy there as a student and somehow knew I would have to go back and face some demons but wasn't sure in what context. On some level I was afraid to find the person I was when I lived there - a depressed, self hating, person struggling to find himself and not liking what he was finding. I don't know why that person would still be in Arizona, he doesn't exist anymore. Instead, I found that Flagstaff is actually very gay friendly and that I was surrounded by resources that I never took advantage of. It seems like a great place to live. I'm still not sure I want to live there... but there are certainly much worse places. It will probably be another week before I hear if I have a job offer or not. I'm still not sure if I would take it. I've gone back and forth on this one since I left. The job itself is a huge promotion and pays considerably more. The work would be somewhat less interesting and much more narrowly defined. Their collections are maybe 1/10th of what I'm used to and fall into a very sharply defined collecting field. The people seem nice, the library is beautiful, the town is good, but I'm not sure it's what I want. It's hard for me to determine what would be best since my only comparison is to my current job, which I fully plan on leaving no matter what. So now I'm comparing this potential new job to an imaginary life yet to be determined. And in spite of a firm resolution to not let him be... my boy in Utah is now a factor. I think he might move to Arizona to be with me but I hate to ask that. It's too much pressure on a relationship to move somewhere you don't want to be for the sake of the other person's career. Which brings me to the second half of this blog...
After returning home from my interview I turned around and left again about 24 hours later and made the 5 1/2 hour drive to Salt Lake City to spend 5 days with my boyfriend. The timing of this trip was bad since I didn't really have time to take another 5 days off after taking 4 off to go to Arizona but I did it anyway. The drive there was uneventful and sunny. I got to his house and was so happy to see him! We went out for sushi at this really interesting place that used to be a church but is now a sushi bar. We had great conversation and then went home. The next day we went to Ikea together. This is something he's been wanting to do for some time and once we were there he admitted he wanted to go to Ikea with me to get a feel of what it would be like to be married and go shopping for home furnishings. Aw... :-) We pretend shopped for home furnishings, he bought me finger puppets (which I put up a fight about but secretly really wanted) and then we went to Whole Foods and bought a few groceries. Later that night we went to this amazing Cajun place for dinner. We each had a beer and regretted it and ate way too much food, which we also regretted. It was fun though. We chatted and ate and I loved it. The next day we went to the aquarium and petted sting rays and star fish and watched some penguins swim around. The sting ray felt like a giant wet mushroom, the star fish was surprisingly rigid, and the penguins were cute! We ended up at an English tea house and had sausage rolls, a first for me but very good with HP sauce. After that we drove around and randomly ended up going to a movie. We saw Paul (which was a lot of fun and oddly enough set in my home town "sorta"). After the movie I think we went home and ate some leftovers. At some point we went out to some clubs and I met a few of his friends. Neither one of us drank and we got kind of tired so we didn't stay out long. The next day we went to Park City. We ate at an amazing Irish pub, where I had the best corned beef sandwich of all time. We shopped a little and then headed home to rest for a bit before having dinner with his two best friends at this great gay owned Mediterranean place. We had some amazing kebabs and then went out for bubble tea, another first for me. It was sweet and kind of gross but fun at the same time. There was a poetry slam going on, which I got kind of defensive of. It is really easy to make fun of a poetry slam if you've never gone to one but I have friends that do it so I felt sort of protective, which caused a bit of a squabble that was later resolved - the first and only fight of the weekend. Half way through my bubble tea I started feeling a little under the weather and the next day I woke up with a cold. We were supposed to go out to a birthday party at a club but we didn't stay long since I wasn't feeling well. The next day we slept in and kind of just laid low. We had a late lunch at this huge salad bar buffet, which was sort of lame but I loved. We relaxed all afternoon, watching movies and cuddling. We were supposed to have dinner with some of his friends but we canceled and stayed in to eat leftovers. The next day I had to go home in the snow with a cold. I hated it. I almost turned around half a dozen times but knew the longer I stayed the harder it would be to leave.
I got home and felt like I left an appendage behind. It is really shocking to me how much I miss him. In retrospect, I spent 5 days with him and we never left each others sides for more than a few minutes and I didn't get tired of him. That's a big deal for me. I get sick of people and I generally want some alone time. I'm falling for this dude, and hard. I'm just not sure what to do with that. I want to be with him in the same town and maybe even live with him but I don't know how to make that work. We both have jobs that we don't especially love... but they are good enough that it's hard to leave without something else waiting. Plus I don't want to move for him and I don't want him to move for me... so that complicates matters. It's a leap of faith that has to be made carefully to avoid resentment. I don't want to stay here and I've said that for years but I'm not sure how to leave either. Anyway... it's been a roller coaster the last couple weeks with no slowing down for a while. I have SOOO much homework to get done in the next 3 weeks, it's kind of daunting. I'll get there though, I always do.
To let loose,
To let free,
To breathe in,
To breathe out,
Peace out.
I went back to my alma mater for an interview about 10 days ago. I flew out on Saturday, got in a couple hours early because I got on an earlier flight, checked in to a hotel that was nothing more than a parking lot when I was a student 6 years ago, then went for a walk around campus. So many new buildings had popped up over the years that I actually had trouble finding my old dorm and got a little lost. I'm glad to see that campus has thrived since I left. I spent Sunday polishing my presentation and didn't have anything to do until a 5:15 dinner with the woman that would be my boss, the dean of the library, and the associate dean of the library. All I knew was that I was supposed to meet someone named Karen in the lobby of my hotel at 5:15. At 5:10 I went down to the lobby to wait. At 5:13 a woman wearing an NAU lapel pin came through the doors, looked around, made eye contact with me, and then went to stand by some couches. She seemed to be looking for someone but she didn't seem to think I was the person she was looking for. I made a lap of the lobby, found no one else, and just asked the woman "are you Karen?" She replied with "I thought you would be older." I wasn't sure how to reply... We left the hotel, I got in her blue Subaru and she asked "what did you say your name was again?" I told her my name and thought "wow, you can just take me to the airport... I'm done." She admitted that she thought she was looking for someone else and that she had the wrong information and didn't know anything about me. So... I started rattling off information hoping something would jog her memory... graduated from NAU... came from Wyoming... nothing? She asked if I had a PhD in business... no... MA in History... She talked about the new College of Business building... I was confused. Finally she asked "what job are you applying for?" Turns out she was picking up someone applying to be the dean of the college of business. Two women named Karen both driving blue Subarus picking up two guys at the same hotel at 5:15. What are the odds? She drove me back to the hotel, saw the other Karen (the one I was supposed to be with) and they gave each other a hug, made a joke about stealing candidates and then I was off with the proper Karen. It was pretty funny. The actually interview process was about 8 hours long and included a full day of meetings, interviews, a lunch, tours, a presentation, and more Q&A sessions than I thought possible. It was exhausting but overall very pleasant. I flew out very early the next day and was home by mid afternoon.
Some thoughts on the interview, being back at NAU, and the prospect of moving back to Arizona:
It was amazing to be back at NAU in that capacity. I was so unhappy there as a student and somehow knew I would have to go back and face some demons but wasn't sure in what context. On some level I was afraid to find the person I was when I lived there - a depressed, self hating, person struggling to find himself and not liking what he was finding. I don't know why that person would still be in Arizona, he doesn't exist anymore. Instead, I found that Flagstaff is actually very gay friendly and that I was surrounded by resources that I never took advantage of. It seems like a great place to live. I'm still not sure I want to live there... but there are certainly much worse places. It will probably be another week before I hear if I have a job offer or not. I'm still not sure if I would take it. I've gone back and forth on this one since I left. The job itself is a huge promotion and pays considerably more. The work would be somewhat less interesting and much more narrowly defined. Their collections are maybe 1/10th of what I'm used to and fall into a very sharply defined collecting field. The people seem nice, the library is beautiful, the town is good, but I'm not sure it's what I want. It's hard for me to determine what would be best since my only comparison is to my current job, which I fully plan on leaving no matter what. So now I'm comparing this potential new job to an imaginary life yet to be determined. And in spite of a firm resolution to not let him be... my boy in Utah is now a factor. I think he might move to Arizona to be with me but I hate to ask that. It's too much pressure on a relationship to move somewhere you don't want to be for the sake of the other person's career. Which brings me to the second half of this blog...
After returning home from my interview I turned around and left again about 24 hours later and made the 5 1/2 hour drive to Salt Lake City to spend 5 days with my boyfriend. The timing of this trip was bad since I didn't really have time to take another 5 days off after taking 4 off to go to Arizona but I did it anyway. The drive there was uneventful and sunny. I got to his house and was so happy to see him! We went out for sushi at this really interesting place that used to be a church but is now a sushi bar. We had great conversation and then went home. The next day we went to Ikea together. This is something he's been wanting to do for some time and once we were there he admitted he wanted to go to Ikea with me to get a feel of what it would be like to be married and go shopping for home furnishings. Aw... :-) We pretend shopped for home furnishings, he bought me finger puppets (which I put up a fight about but secretly really wanted) and then we went to Whole Foods and bought a few groceries. Later that night we went to this amazing Cajun place for dinner. We each had a beer and regretted it and ate way too much food, which we also regretted. It was fun though. We chatted and ate and I loved it. The next day we went to the aquarium and petted sting rays and star fish and watched some penguins swim around. The sting ray felt like a giant wet mushroom, the star fish was surprisingly rigid, and the penguins were cute! We ended up at an English tea house and had sausage rolls, a first for me but very good with HP sauce. After that we drove around and randomly ended up going to a movie. We saw Paul (which was a lot of fun and oddly enough set in my home town "sorta"). After the movie I think we went home and ate some leftovers. At some point we went out to some clubs and I met a few of his friends. Neither one of us drank and we got kind of tired so we didn't stay out long. The next day we went to Park City. We ate at an amazing Irish pub, where I had the best corned beef sandwich of all time. We shopped a little and then headed home to rest for a bit before having dinner with his two best friends at this great gay owned Mediterranean place. We had some amazing kebabs and then went out for bubble tea, another first for me. It was sweet and kind of gross but fun at the same time. There was a poetry slam going on, which I got kind of defensive of. It is really easy to make fun of a poetry slam if you've never gone to one but I have friends that do it so I felt sort of protective, which caused a bit of a squabble that was later resolved - the first and only fight of the weekend. Half way through my bubble tea I started feeling a little under the weather and the next day I woke up with a cold. We were supposed to go out to a birthday party at a club but we didn't stay long since I wasn't feeling well. The next day we slept in and kind of just laid low. We had a late lunch at this huge salad bar buffet, which was sort of lame but I loved. We relaxed all afternoon, watching movies and cuddling. We were supposed to have dinner with some of his friends but we canceled and stayed in to eat leftovers. The next day I had to go home in the snow with a cold. I hated it. I almost turned around half a dozen times but knew the longer I stayed the harder it would be to leave.
I got home and felt like I left an appendage behind. It is really shocking to me how much I miss him. In retrospect, I spent 5 days with him and we never left each others sides for more than a few minutes and I didn't get tired of him. That's a big deal for me. I get sick of people and I generally want some alone time. I'm falling for this dude, and hard. I'm just not sure what to do with that. I want to be with him in the same town and maybe even live with him but I don't know how to make that work. We both have jobs that we don't especially love... but they are good enough that it's hard to leave without something else waiting. Plus I don't want to move for him and I don't want him to move for me... so that complicates matters. It's a leap of faith that has to be made carefully to avoid resentment. I don't want to stay here and I've said that for years but I'm not sure how to leave either. Anyway... it's been a roller coaster the last couple weeks with no slowing down for a while. I have SOOO much homework to get done in the next 3 weeks, it's kind of daunting. I'll get there though, I always do.
To let loose,
To let free,
To breathe in,
To breathe out,
Peace out.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Narf...
I don't remember being this tired for so long ever before in my life. I have no idea why I'm even tired. I've been getting enough sleep but I wake up in the morning just exhausted. I'm reasonably sure it's just stress. I feel like I have more on my plate than I'm able to deal with and that's a heavy feeling. Realistically, I just need to deal with one thing at a time. This week (before the end of the day tomorrow) I need to finish an article review, read and review a second article, finish my presentation for my job interview in Flagstaff, and pack. Then it's off to Arizona for a few days. I'll get there a day early so I should be able to just relax and unwind in the hotel room and polish my presentation. Sunday night the interview process starts with dinner with the head of special collections and the dean of the library. That shouldn't be so bad. Then the process starts at 8:30 the next day with a tour of the library followed by a full day of meetings and interviews capped off by a presentation and then a tour of campus and then I'm off the hook at 5:00. I'll get up early the next morning and fly home. I should be back in town by early/mid afternoon. That will give me part of Tuesday and some of Wednesday to catch up on some work, go to class, pack again, and then make the 6 hour drive to Salt Lake City. I'm torn on this trip. It sounds really relaxing and fun and I'm sure I'll have a great time... but I don't have 5 days to dink around. When I get home I'm going to have to hit the ground running. I will have roughly 4 weeks to finish and present my thesis, complete an entire internship, finish my other two classes, and potentially pack all my shit and move my life to Arizona.
Part of me hopes they don't offer me this job. But part of me is a huge coward too. Change is scary but I can't stay where I'm at forever. I've been in an entry level job for almost four years making so little that the only place I can afford to live is a rented room owned by an eccentric Czech. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE where I live but it's temporary. My stuff is 80% in boxes and some day I'm going to need to grow up and get my own place again.
I guess I need to just stop thinking ahead and live for today. I don't need to finish the entire semester today. Today all I need to do is finish a powerpoint presentation, add a page and a half to a review, and read a 20 page article. No big deal. Tomorrow all I have to do is pack a bag and write a 3 page review. Also no big deal. The day after I have to travel to Flagstaff on someone else's dollar and then hang out in a hotel. Not so bad.
I realize this blog post isn't that interesting. It's basically my way of calming myself down and screaming into the dark.
So, new tune: Yay, I was invited for a job interview at a cool place and I'm getting a free trip to my alma mater! Yay, I made the cut from 200+ people to 2-3 people! Yay, I get to go to Salt Lake City and spend a few days with my amazing boyfriend and go to a Holi Festival (something I've wanted to do for years)! Yay! Fun times! No need to think about what comes after since I'll be caught up before I go and I'll deal with the rest when I get back.
Wow, that actually worked and I feel better...
To let loose,
to let free,
to breathe in,
to breathe out.
Peace out.
Part of me hopes they don't offer me this job. But part of me is a huge coward too. Change is scary but I can't stay where I'm at forever. I've been in an entry level job for almost four years making so little that the only place I can afford to live is a rented room owned by an eccentric Czech. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE where I live but it's temporary. My stuff is 80% in boxes and some day I'm going to need to grow up and get my own place again.
I guess I need to just stop thinking ahead and live for today. I don't need to finish the entire semester today. Today all I need to do is finish a powerpoint presentation, add a page and a half to a review, and read a 20 page article. No big deal. Tomorrow all I have to do is pack a bag and write a 3 page review. Also no big deal. The day after I have to travel to Flagstaff on someone else's dollar and then hang out in a hotel. Not so bad.
I realize this blog post isn't that interesting. It's basically my way of calming myself down and screaming into the dark.
So, new tune: Yay, I was invited for a job interview at a cool place and I'm getting a free trip to my alma mater! Yay, I made the cut from 200+ people to 2-3 people! Yay, I get to go to Salt Lake City and spend a few days with my amazing boyfriend and go to a Holi Festival (something I've wanted to do for years)! Yay! Fun times! No need to think about what comes after since I'll be caught up before I go and I'll deal with the rest when I get back.
Wow, that actually worked and I feel better...
To let loose,
to let free,
to breathe in,
to breathe out.
Peace out.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Breate in... breathe out... rinse and repeat...
Ok, so I'm so stressed today that I actually feel a little sick. I have a TON to get done, so naturally I'm wasting my time writing a blog. But writing helps me to sort things out and feel less insane, so... there you have it!
Classes
My 1 credit historic preservation class continues to be a huge pain in the ass and take more time than my other 4 credits combined. Just a month to go and it's over though...
My 3 credit readings class isn't actually so bad. I'm kind of enjoying it even though it is a lot of reading. (Imagine that?) I'm barely holding on by the skin of my teeth but I am keeping up and doing well, which is good since this class is VITAL to my graduation.
My 1 credit internship... well, I haven't actually even started this work yet. Once I get going I can blast it out in a productive afternoon, I hope.
Work
I'm getting quite a bit done but I feel like I have a lot more on my plate than normal. I'm "helping" with an exhibit that will go up this summer but so far I'm not even sure what the exhibit is about or what my role is. I'm co curating it, but so far it's someone else's baby but it's still quite a bit of work.
Relationship
Oh Utah... sometimes he is so bat shit crazy that I don't know what to do with him. Sometimes he is so sweet that I can't imagine what I did to deserve him. We fought a lot yesterday. For the life of me, I couldn't tell you what we were fighting about but it wasn't fun. We did resolve everything, I think. Sometimes we are just a little too similar. He's basically me circa 2006/2007. He does so many of the same things I did in my last serious relationship except now I'm on the recieving end. All in all, he's wonderful but I wish he would just calm down and not rush things.
Possible New Job
I applied for a job in Arizona at the suggestion of my supervisor a couple months ago. I had a phone interview about a month ago. They contacted my references two weeks ago. Last Friday, they called to set up an on site interview. I'm so excited but I'm also sooo scared. This job sound perfect for me, it pays well, the people seem really nice, I loved this library when I was a student there... buuuuttt... It's scary to pack up your life and move somewhere. It's especiallys cary to move to somewhere you spent the most miserable year of your life, even if that had nothing to do with the area. And it's even scarier to move to ARIZONA! ;-) My current job is pretty much never going to pay more and it is exceptionally unlikely that I'll move up the ladder. Something had to change eventually, why not this? I've been "leaving" for years and now that it's looking like a possibility, I'm scared. Plus there is Utah. He is NOT ok with the idea of me moving to Arizona. But to be fair this job application process has been going on almost as long as I've known him and it's not like I was really itching to move to Mormon-ville. (Is that the next Zynga game?!) I guess as far as this relationship goes... something was bound to give. One or both of us has to move. Why can't this be the reason? Ultimately, he's going to have to get on board with this or not. There isn't really a middle ground.
Thoughts on Leaving
It's funny thinking that I might not be here in June. I've sort of felt myself letting go of certain things and it's liberating and scary at the same time. I love the church I belong to and it's sad to think I might not be here to see how the congregation grows and changes. It's nice to think I might not have to deal with another winter in Siberia but Flagstaff is just as snowy and unpredictable, just not quite as cold and windy. Then there are friends and relationships I've build up over the years... I will miss people so much... but now I'm about to make myself cry and I've not even been given a job offer. Sheesh...
So anyway... I guess this all seems managable again. I just need to use my time wisely, not think too much, and just take things one step at a time.
To let loose,
To let free,
To breathe in,
To breathe out,
Peace out.
Classes
My 1 credit historic preservation class continues to be a huge pain in the ass and take more time than my other 4 credits combined. Just a month to go and it's over though...
My 3 credit readings class isn't actually so bad. I'm kind of enjoying it even though it is a lot of reading. (Imagine that?) I'm barely holding on by the skin of my teeth but I am keeping up and doing well, which is good since this class is VITAL to my graduation.
My 1 credit internship... well, I haven't actually even started this work yet. Once I get going I can blast it out in a productive afternoon, I hope.
Work
I'm getting quite a bit done but I feel like I have a lot more on my plate than normal. I'm "helping" with an exhibit that will go up this summer but so far I'm not even sure what the exhibit is about or what my role is. I'm co curating it, but so far it's someone else's baby but it's still quite a bit of work.
Relationship
Oh Utah... sometimes he is so bat shit crazy that I don't know what to do with him. Sometimes he is so sweet that I can't imagine what I did to deserve him. We fought a lot yesterday. For the life of me, I couldn't tell you what we were fighting about but it wasn't fun. We did resolve everything, I think. Sometimes we are just a little too similar. He's basically me circa 2006/2007. He does so many of the same things I did in my last serious relationship except now I'm on the recieving end. All in all, he's wonderful but I wish he would just calm down and not rush things.
Possible New Job
I applied for a job in Arizona at the suggestion of my supervisor a couple months ago. I had a phone interview about a month ago. They contacted my references two weeks ago. Last Friday, they called to set up an on site interview. I'm so excited but I'm also sooo scared. This job sound perfect for me, it pays well, the people seem really nice, I loved this library when I was a student there... buuuuttt... It's scary to pack up your life and move somewhere. It's especiallys cary to move to somewhere you spent the most miserable year of your life, even if that had nothing to do with the area. And it's even scarier to move to ARIZONA! ;-) My current job is pretty much never going to pay more and it is exceptionally unlikely that I'll move up the ladder. Something had to change eventually, why not this? I've been "leaving" for years and now that it's looking like a possibility, I'm scared. Plus there is Utah. He is NOT ok with the idea of me moving to Arizona. But to be fair this job application process has been going on almost as long as I've known him and it's not like I was really itching to move to Mormon-ville. (Is that the next Zynga game?!) I guess as far as this relationship goes... something was bound to give. One or both of us has to move. Why can't this be the reason? Ultimately, he's going to have to get on board with this or not. There isn't really a middle ground.
Thoughts on Leaving
It's funny thinking that I might not be here in June. I've sort of felt myself letting go of certain things and it's liberating and scary at the same time. I love the church I belong to and it's sad to think I might not be here to see how the congregation grows and changes. It's nice to think I might not have to deal with another winter in Siberia but Flagstaff is just as snowy and unpredictable, just not quite as cold and windy. Then there are friends and relationships I've build up over the years... I will miss people so much... but now I'm about to make myself cry and I've not even been given a job offer. Sheesh...
So anyway... I guess this all seems managable again. I just need to use my time wisely, not think too much, and just take things one step at a time.
To let loose,
To let free,
To breathe in,
To breathe out,
Peace out.
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