Humbled

This week has sucked. I just want it get over itself so I can sweep up whatever is left and move on.

My big scary meeting at work was yesterday morning and it was actually a lot worse than I anticipated. The only way it could have been any worse would have been if I was flat out fired. I would rather not go into the particulars right now, but it was probably the most demeaning 30 minutes of my life. I had to sit in the board room with the administration and listen as my boss explained to me why I’m completely unqualified to do anything beyond simple clerical work. Turns out my 4 years working here counts for exactly nothing and my eight months running this program has been “supervision” and not “management.” He basically boiled my work and experience down to making fancy photo copies and babysitting. It was pretty insulting. At one point he literally threw the job description at me and asked me just why I even thought I was qualified for the job. From the very beginning, I simply wanted to know why I wasn’t being considered for the job. I honestly felt like I was perfectly capable of doing it. I admit that there were a lot of aspects that I didn’t know, but there were just as many that I am one of the best qualified for. By the end of the meeting I had my answer, but it wasn’t an answer I liked or can ever agree with.

I’m actually feeling a little humbled by the experience. I was really proud of the work I’ve been doing here. I felt good about the direction the program was heading and I felt confident that I could grow into the less familiar aspects of the position. But now… I realize that I am thought of as a low level functionary at work. I’ve tried to be more, but my hands have been tied from the beginning. Once again I feel like Icarus. I flew too close to the sun and my wings melted. At least when Icarus landed in the ocean he got to be an island. But I don’t want to be an island.

The other day I was listening to Michael Buble in my car and the song Home started playing. I’ve always related to this song for some reason. I’m not entire sure why since it’s about being off on this big adventure and just wanting to go home to a loved one. Maybe I am on some sort of adventure but I have no home to long for. I’ve felt really displaced for the last year and a half. The last home I can remember was my apartment with Paige and before that Sheridan was home and before that my parents house was always home. But, one by one, those places stopped being my home. My current apartment has never been my home, so much as just a storage area that I can keep my stuff and wait for the next part of my life to start. It’s never had a warmth that makes me happy to get there at the end of the day.

For the last few years I’ve been waiting. I don’t think I’ve always been conscious of the fact that I’m waiting, but I have been waiting just the same. I’m waiting for someone to see me and recognize what I have to offer and to want it. I don’t think I even care what aspect of my life they want. I’ve been waiting for someone at work to see how good a job I’ve been doing and to lift me up to where I want to be. I’ve been waiting for some guy to come along and be my prince charming and sweep me off my feet. But now I realize that nobody is going to do that. If I want something I’m going to have to decide what I want and take it. Not to go all Carrie Bradshaw… but I think I just need to be my own prince charming and sweep myself away.

No more waiting. It’s time to start loving the life I have, rather than waiting to have a life I will love.