And then...

Repeat: "It's not always about you. It's not always about you. It's not always about you." When did I become so self centered? (I ask myself in a blog entirely about me.) Canadian author has come and gone. It was nice to see him but I now feel slightly guilty about not seeing the actual reason for his visit. I assumed he was coming just to see me and that our unrequited relationship would get a jump start and I would be all aflutter with love and melancholy by the time he left. Really what did I expect? To have some sort of international love affair? I refuse to be the junior high girl with the imaginary boyfriend that lives in Canada. But, none of that matters anyway. That wasn't the point of this trip. It was not about me, even if I didn't realize it until he left. Things were weird from the start. He was friendly but not in the way I expected. He seemed broken somehow, just not together, and he didn't want to go anywhere or do anything but stay home and grade papers, watch tv, and sleep. This was baffling to me until I was home from returning him to the airport and I was with my roommate walking the dogs. In one simple moment of clarity my roommate pointed out that he is recently single after a long relationship and that is a dark and lonely place to be. He simply needed distance from his life and to spend time with a friend. How did I not see that?! Now I feel like I should have been less distant and guarded and should have been more comforting. Mending a friend's broken heart is something I'm good at, playing hard to get with someone that can't have me is not something I'm good at.

In an odd way I feel liberated. For two years I placed this guy on such a high pedestal that he was unreachable. Some part of my heart saw him as the unobtainable perfect partner. The pedestal is gone and my heart is returned. For almost two years he was the benchmark that I measured all others against. But I now realize that I created a fantasy persona for him. He was imaginary and it's impossible for a real person to compete with an imaginary person.

So now I'm struggling with a few things. I feel like I've lost something but it never existed to begin with. I feel like I've gained a friend that is real rather than a fantasy pen pal in another country. I feel like I'm ready to move on. I feel like I'm ready for reality. I feel like I might have a date with a certain legislator sometime in the very near future, possibly even tonight. Time will tell. I'm excited for the spring.