Out of the Blue

Isn't it strange how something can trigger a memory you weren't really even aware of? I saw some old friends from college at walmart yesterday. Not recent university friends but friends from 8-9 years ago from my days in junior college. I see them every now and then, usually at walmart and we engage in some pleasant small talk. But this time they made me think of someone else. I didn't come out until I was about 24 but I now remember having a distinct crush on a guy in college when I was about 20. He was roommates with one of the people I saw yesterday and I hadn't really thought about him in years. I have such intense memories of being attracted to him. It's so odd. How on earth did I dismiss or not recognize those feelings way back then. We were kind of friends, not close but we chatted every now and then and lived in the same small dorm. I distinctly remember going on trip (oddly enough to walmart) with him at one point in college. He bought bananas and protein mix to make smoothies. I was so attracted to him and remember thinking about him after I got back to my dorm room. I wonder if I avoided him after that and stopped thinking about him. It's so strange, I can practically recall how he smelled and the sound of his voice but I haven't thought about him in at least 6 years, maybe longer. My internet stalking didn't turn anything up. I guess he can join the ranks with my Arizona crush that I never admitted I had a crush on and now can't locate either. I assume they were both straight. I honestly don't know.

Last night I spent over an hour "window shopping" through all of the gay guys within 100 miles and wasn't interested in a single one of them. I think there is a connection here... both of my former crushes that I've mentioned in here were real people in my life that I knew. Real people that in the real world I should have gotten to know better, determined if they were interested, and then either moved on with my life or asked out on a date. This was the missing step. Had I known with 100% certainty that they were straight I would have thought "oh well" and that would have been the end. Instead I had months or years of longing and wondering that made them seem more desirable. But even if they were both straight they had an advantage over every one of the online profile guys I looked at last night. They were real, in person, local, actual guys. I can't deal with meeting one more guy online and then commuting for dates. I hate that. Maybe I'm getting lazy, but I just don't want to drive for an hour or two just to make small talk over coffee or a plate of pasta. That leaves me with only the local options, which seem to be nonexistent. And now I'm back to my original plan - work on me and get the hell out of here so I can move to a better location for meeting the men folk. ;)