Update

Oh Mylanta, it's been a long time since I posted on here. SOOOO much has happened! I'll try to hit on the bullet points.

I went to Washington DC in March. It was AMAZING! I learned so much and in 4 days I felt like I had accomplished more than I had in the previous couple of years at home. I met some amazing people and fell in love with the GLSEN staff. New goal: I want to work for GLSEN. I applied for a job but I think I was too late. I see it's no longer posted and I wasn't contacted. But that's ok, my work in Laramie isn't quite done.

I have devised an exit strategy for myself. Step 1) Extract myself from certain clubs and organizations that are too dependent on me so that I have more free time for step 2) Finishing my freaking MA! After a semester of battling with the registrars office and the history department I have managed to have 3/4 of the F's on my transcript removed. My adviser's parting gift was a pile of irrational grades. He even opened a second section for a class he wasn't even teaching in order to give me one more F. I wish I knew what I did to piss this dude off. But now it's mostly fixed and I can register for classes and move on. Once I have my degree in hand I can move on to step 3) and decide what I want to be when I grow up (work for GLSEN) and somehow magically make myself into the perfect employee so they would be insane to not hire me. The sticking point is that GLSEN is based out of NYC and DC so that would be a huge change and I'm not sure how Miss Doggy would do in a big city.

Speaking of Miss Doggy... There was some recent drama involving my roommate, a friend in a neighboring town, a dinner party I was unable to attend and a "joke" that led me to believe they lost my dog, which made me think my dog was dead in a street somewhere. Lots of drama ensued, I yelled, I sent nasty emails, I was pissed for about 48 hours, and then I let it go. My dog was never lost, my friends are just jackasses.

Going back to this "I need to leave" idea. I feel like the last of the Mohicans. I am the last person left of the group of friends I had when I first moved here. 4-5 years ago I had this core group of friends and they are all gone now. It's just me left. I never imagined I would be the last holdout. Of course I've made new friends since then but many of them have left as well, or gotten into serious relationships or have somehow lost touch. This is a lonely place and it's hard to meet people and yet I'm always surprised about how many people I know. How can I know so many people and yet feel so alone sometimes? It's odd.

The AIDS Walk and Drag Queen Bingo were last weekend. As always, they were a BLAST! The weather was perfect for the walk and there was a good turn out. True to form, the weather turned bad as soon as I opened my chips at the bbq. EVERY YEAR! No idea why. Drag Queen Bingo was the best it's been so far! I didn't bring a date this year, which worked to my advantage in the end. I had a VIP table and brought some friends and generally had an awesome time. A "friend" at a neighboring table somehow turned into a 5 year old and started throwing markers at me. The first time it was kind of cute, the second was still a little funny, the third was enough. About 40 later I was pissed, the neighboring tables were pissed, and I snapped at him. Also throughout the night I was being wooed by a certain republican legislator. It was odd and unexpected but certainly not unwanted. I've known of this guy for many years and he had a bit of a "reputation" in the past. I'm willing to forgive the past as long as it really is the past and I have to admit I enjoyed the attention. Nobody has tried that hard with me in a long time. I should have probably been a little less aloof but I made up for it by the end of the night. He had been trying really hard with me and asking mutual friends about me and people from two other tables had texted me to see what I thought of the situation. (Yes, I am in fact a 13 year old girl, as are all my friends.) At the end of the night I was dancing and I saw him make his way out to the dance floor, he kind of danced near me and got discouraged and left when I didn't turn to him. (I should have danced with him.) Then a mutual friend talked to me and told me that he's never seen him act like that and wondered what I had done to captivate him. The night was nearly over, I had a long day and I was about to call it a night. So I went to him where he was sitting and told him I had a nice time chatting with him and asked if he had my number, knowing perfectly well that he didn't have it. He said asked me if I wanted him to have it. I told him to give me his phone and I programmed my number into it and instructed him to use it sometime soon. It was an uncharacteristically bold move on my part and I was oddly proud of myself. I figured if he was interested in anything other than a one night stand then he would contact me and we could go from there. Before I even got home he texted to thank me for my number and to say he had a nice time with me. Of course I got all grinny and happy since I am a 13 year old girl. He invited me to dinner last night. Unfortunately, he invited me to dinner at exactly the one time I wasn't able to go to dinner with him because I had a meeting and it was too late to get out of it. Plus I have an added complication coming into my life in about 7 hours.

Picture it: New York City, May 2008. I'm presenting at a conference and this cute guy comes up to introduce himself after my talk. He's an author (+1), has a PhD (+1), and planning on going to the archive I work at to do research at some future point (+2). He seemed nervous and mentioned going to an art show later in the night and I was too dumb to see that was an invitation. We corresponded for several months until he actually did come to town and stayed with me and it was wonderful. My guard was down within minutes and it was just like we had been best friends forever. He left, he got into a relationship, he broke my heart. It was dumb since we live in two different countries (he's Canadian) but I was still pretty heart broken. We had already made plans to meet up in San Francisco the following December and we spent a week together there in this awkward/ wonderful/ unrequited pseudo relationship. Then his real life and relationship took over and we had a lot less contact until recently. He's single again, and regretted pushing me out of his life. It sounds like a booty call but it's not. I like this guy and I'm content to simply be together when we are able and not when we are not. He's one of those people that I'm sure will be a part of my life, complicating things for a very long time, and that's ok. At any rate, he comes in today and will stay with me for 6 days. I'm excited and nervous and basically giddy. As cheese ball as it sounds, when I plan road trips and imaginary dates, he's the one I picture in the passenger seat.

*sigh* Why can't anything ever be simple or straight forward. So, in a week when he leaves I'll have a date with a republican to look forward to. That seemed a lot more exciting until I wrote all this out...

And that's my update.

The Flowers Outlasted the Guy

My dining room table still has a lovely bouquet of tulips on it but I haven't heard from the guy that sent the flowers in days. Oddly enough, I've been sent flowers to my office twice. Both times I was thoroughly embarrassed, a little confused, and very flattered and both times marked the end of the relationship. Am I really THAT bad at receiving gifts?!! Sure, I went pretty nutty for a while after I received the flowers, balloons, and gigantic basket of diabetes but I think I was very careful to shield all of that insanity from the guy that sent it to me. I think it was just the generosity of the gift that freaked me out, plus the slight inappropriateness since I wasn't even sure if we were officially "in a relationship." Oh well. Life goes on. In a week or two we might be able to be friends. The dating thing wasn't working out so well anyway.

It's funny how a small detail or a scent can call up a memory at a totally unexpected time. I went to the symphony with my roommate last night. He had been excited about it for weeks since it was Beethoven's 9th. We got there, took our seats and I noticed there was one empty seat to my right. A few minutes later my roommate nudged me and said "your new neighbor is here" and pointed to a cute guy making his way down the aisle then he said "get me his number!" He was cute. About my height and build, cute hair, academic looking glasses, a neatly trimmed light brown beard, and a great smile. Then I realized he reminded me of someone and not just anyone... the one person I don't allow myself any contact with anymore, a guy that I hurt very deeply, a guy I was incredibly attracted to but had nothing in common with. He was cute, sweet, smart, and loaded... but not for me. We dated off and on for like 3 years and it would always start and end the same way. He would contact me and ask me on a date, I would be flattered and tell him I would like to get to know him better but didn't think dating was a good idea. We would go out and it would go well, he would ask a second time, it would go well and then he would get ahead of himself and do something to freak me out like plan our life together in Brooklyn or just generally get inappropriately handsy in the car or something and I would tell him to back off or slow down and he would ask me out again. I would decline and by doing so hurt him more than I realized. We went through that entire process three times. Anyway, all that came rushing back to me last night in the symphony. To make matters worse this dude had the same cologne. It was a little distracting and added a an unwanted air of melancholy to Ode to Joy.

Anywhosle... Despite the unexpected weirdness it was a great performance and I felt very privileged to be there and I'm still really excited about my trip to DC!!!

Bragging!

A few weeks ago I submitted an application to attend the GLSEN Safe Schools Advocacy Summit in Washington DC. There is a pretty intense interview process to get to attend since they can only send 18 students and 20 adults and if you get picked they pay to fly you there, put you up in a hotel, feed you and you attend a 4 day summit. So, that's less than 40 people nation wide that get picked. I figured I might get as far as a phone interview but applied anyway. I knew the phone interviews were going on earlier this week and my phone never rang so I assumed I wasn't picked but then I got an email from GLSEN last night congratulating me! I was picked! I'm in! I'm going to DC for 4 days to attend a Safe Schools Summit! YAY!!! I filled out and turned in the paperwork this morning and they will be making travel arrangements for me and my tickets will arrive in the next week or so! The conference is about 3 weeks away. It's going to go fast! Neat!

The Five Stages of Giant Gift Basket Grief

Denial
“Maybe it’s from my mom? Maybe they made a mistake?”
Anger
“Why would he spend so much, doesn’t he know how much pressure this puts on me?!”
Bargaining
“Maybe I can explain that this makes me really uncomfortable and split it with him or just flat out give it back.”
Depression
“I’ll just leave it here and work in my other office.” “Uhg, I need a nap.”
Acceptance
“Hey, look snacks! I love snacks! What an awesome gift!”



Why do I have to turn one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me into a big scary thing? Sure, it was a bit extravagant... but that's also what makes it sweet. New plan: Stop being such a crazy bitch and just accept this generous gift with a little grace and dignity. Yay for flowers, balloons, and a HUGE basket of goodies!

I need a vacation from my life

I turn 29 tomorrow. I have an odd impulse to get my right nipple pierced. I don’t know why. I’m only sort of kidding. And yes, this entire post is going to be every bit as random as the previous 4 sentences. It’s snowing and all I want to do is go back home and go to bed. Or better yet, go home and finally watch season four of Doctor Who. I might actually do that. Work has been kind of fun lately. I’m working on a collection of old sci-fi/ horror/ monster movie photos. Actually, it’s a LOT more than photos but I’m working on the photo section right now. The collection also has a Tribble in it, which I have discovered I take it as a personal insult if someone doesn’t know what that is. I was talking to my mom on the phone the other day and she was complaining about work and all the drama and how she was afraid the business would be sold and my biggest work concern was that I couldn’t find the King Kong folder, which I found the next day. So, I guess no complaints in that department today. I have yet again made plans to finish my masters degree, this time in a new department with a new emphasis. I had a meeting yesterday to see how many classes it would take to be done and the magic number was three. I’ll take the first one this summer. It’s a field course in historic preservation. I’ll have to take a week off from work but that’s what vacation is for, sorta. I’m kind of seeing someone. I wouldn’t say we are dating but we are going on dates. Or at least we were. I think we might have skipped the entire dating part and gone directly to the boring-been-married-for-40-years-no-longer-having-fun part. The last time I saw him we watched like 5 hours of reality tv, cuddled on the couch, argued about who was hungry and who wasn’t and then ultimately skipped dinner for no apparent reason, didn’t fool around even– at all, and then I got bored and drove home in a blizzard. So needless to say, it was a pretty romantic valentine’s weekend between that and spending 5 hours on Sunday helping set up for and then attending a funeral. What else… The doggies are pretty happy. The little one is taking classes and the big one is a total traitor. For some reason my dog likes my roommate better and my roommate’s dog likes me better. Nobody is really sure why. Poop. I was actually going to leave work and watch Doctor Who in bed at home for the rest of the day but just remembered that I’m apparently waiting on a flower delivery at work. The dude I’m seeing is a sweet heart despite his inherent dullness and is “surprising” me with “something” at work today. I’m guessing flowers. If it’s something like a singing telegram I’m calling him to break up before the song is done. This was after he harassed me for an hour through email and text messages (half of which were sent before I even got to work) to get my work address. For some reason it really bothers me that he didn’t just think to go to my work website and get the delivery address. Having good problem solving skills is sexy to me, apparently. Anywho… I guess I’ve rambled long enough and since I’m stuck here anyway I better get some work done. Geeze, I’m such a bitch. Thanks for the flowers, now quit bothering me.

Resplendent

Isn't that just about the most delicious word ever?! Resplendent... yum!

I went to bed last night feeling great about things. I have no idea why. I was just happy. I still am happy. For some reason I feel like something good is coming. I have no idea what, just something good. If feels like spring, except it has nothing to do with the weather if that makes any sense at all.

I am continuing to see my new gentleman friend. We had a very nice date last Friday and we will have another one tomorrow morning. I still have no idea what to think of this dude but I find myself actually wanting to spend time with him so that's kind of a big deal for me. The thought of having a boyfriend on Valentines Day sort of nauseates me, but I'm not sure why. I'm still not using the "boyfriend" word yet, by the way. We do seem to be going in that direction though... we've been "seeing" each other for about a month. This weekend I'm going puppy shopping with him and having sushi. Next weekend we're going to a club to go dancing!

The doggies are still insane. My dog is a traitor lately. When my roommate is gone she's a total mess and just waits by the door longing for him to return. She does the same for me, but I'm selfish and only want her to miss me. My roommate is training his dog. She's doing alright. She's nuts, but small and cute so she gets away with it.

What else... I paid off a credit card! I was so excited that I called to tell my mom. Just 3 left to go. *gulp* I haven't used them in years, this is all debt I racked up while I was unemployed between under grad and grad school. If I stick to my "plan" I should have everything paid off in 18-20 months. That includes my car. The idea of not having credit card and a car payment is awesome. I am so into the idea of paying off stuff that I even spent 3/4 of my tax return on it. Being an adult is lame.

Not much else to report I guess. It's Friday afternoon and I'm really full from lunch and just want a nap. I'm not actually working, maybe I'll go home early. I'm also jonesing for a pepsi. I wonder if I have some change around to buy one...

Bloggity

(Posted without reading or editing)

It’s been so long since my last blog. I just haven’t felt like writing for some reason. Maybe I’ve just outgrown it? I dunno.

Wow, I just skimmed my last few blogs. When did I turn into a 13 year old girl? “Dear diary, I met a boy and he’s like totally neat… yadda yadda yadda.” It actually took me a second to even remember what guys I’m referring to in my last blog. Needless to say they are no longer in the picture. And of course there is a new one and of course I like him and of course I could describe him as “not my type” but “interesting” and “I’m enjoying getting to know him” and it’s all true but it’s always true. I ran across a series of emails from last August, less than a year ago and I had no recollection of who the guy was that I was corresponding with. There are several emails and it seems we met on some online dating site and he was going to move to town and we flirted and they are cute emails but it’s like they are from someone else’s life. I have no memory of who they were written to. I’m slowly coming to the realization that I ALWAYS have some guy I’m interested in and I’m in the middle of some disconnected courting phase that invariably ends with a whimper. Is it just that I’m very selective? Or is it that on some level I don’t want a real relationship and I just want to flirt with some anonymous pen pal? It really puts my current love interest into perspective. I hesitate to say anything about him now because I feel like it would just be a regurgitation of everything I’ve ever said about any guy. I will say this one thing though, things are simple with him. We’ve been out three times and it’s not been awkward and they have clearly been dates and we have been open about everything. It is unusual for me to like someone, have him like me back, and then to spend time together knowing that. That should not be unusual.

Work is the same. I very nearly applied for a job in San Francisco a couple weeks ago. It would have been a really cool job but the start date was 3 weeks after the posting date and as fluid as I am, I still couldn’t have possibly moved my entire life to California in less than a month. Plus, I’m broke. I’ve been paying off my credit cards, car, and student loans fairly aggressively so that at some point in like a year or two I can be reasonably debt free and then be truly fluid.

Which brings me to my current living situation. I love ling in this little house and I really like the guy I’m renting a room from – but only about 80 – 90% of the time. There are the typical privacy issues that come with having any roommate but in addition to that are the little odd things. He is a bit OCD about vacuuming the house. We each have a dog so dog hair is a fact of life but we also have hard wood floors so the hair mostly collects in the corners and under furniture. I like to be tidy, but he vacuums at least 3 times a week and gets upset that I don’t do the same. He spent literally 45 minutes vacuuming the living room and hall this weekend. No exaggeration. In that time I cleaned the entire bathroom, vacuumed my room, did a load of laundry and tidied up my room. At a certain point clean is clean and it’s not getting any cleaner. It’s good for me to have to keep things tidy but sometimes he seems resentful that I don’t help him in his OCD cleaning extravaganzas. I also have a hard time stomaching his friends. I like them just fine… BUT he has them over 1-3 times a week and that’s fine except they never show up on time. An hour late is not unusual. He will say dinner is at 6, they will say they will be there at 7, and they finally show up at 8. It’s also not unusual for them to show up at 10 at night. Then they stay for a minimum of 4 hours regardless of when they get there. They are a bit bracing and since I’m the only American and only non scientist in the house I find myself feeling sort of left out and insulted. Plus my roommate gets this really infuriating “houseboy” mentality when they are around and occasionally makes me feel obligated to do the dishes or something and that’s when the irrational resentment that I don’t make him pancakes in the morning or vacuum for 2 hours a week comes out. I generally end up pissed off after these lovely little dinner parties. But like I said, the majority of the time I love living there. Plus… I have nowhere else to go. Finding a rental that accepts a large dog is almost impossible and I’m far from being able or willing to buy a house right now.

In other news: I’ve been busy with planning symposiums and sponsoring a student group and with church stuff. It still freaks me out a little that I belong to a church. It’s a really super amazingly cool church but it’s still odd for me.

Well, I don’t feel like I’ve said anything interesting in this blog but I guess it felt good to write it.