I guess I'm leaving in a couple hours to see my guy in Utah. I've gone back and forth and up and down about him since he visited me a couple weeks ago. I'm sure I'm over thinking everything since I do that. I suspect I'm going to have a wonderful time with him. We had a lot of fun while he was here and the issues I've been worrying about only pop up over the phone. I hate talking on the phone. I hate struggling to come up with conversation topics when he calls at 10:45 at night and I'm happy to hear his voice but I really just want to go to sleep. I hate that we both fill empty space on the phone with random shit that pops into our heads. I hate that he's leaving his job and driving home when we talk since that's pretty much when we are all at our worst. I hate that I don't understand his humor sometimes. And I am concerned that at least some of the time when he's "joking" about something he actually means it but gets to play it off as a joke while actually saying what he means. I wish I could come up with an example... I guess I should take that as an indication that I'm probably over thinking the situation. Anyway, I have some reservations about this drive/ trip and I'm trying to vent them before I leave so that I can get there with a fresh head. I don't want to sabotage myself so I know I have to arrive happy to see him and give the weekend a fair chance to play out properly. It's a beautiful day and I'm kind of looking forward to the drive. Once I'm there I think he has several fun things planned and I might run into a couple of old friends. Ultimately, I'm sure this will be a fun weekend and a nice diversion from my regular life for a while. Yeah... I think that's a good frame... no need to stress out about imaginary issues. I can do that when I get back home on Sunday. ;-)
To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Bursting with Change, Then Not...
So... my Utah man has come and gone. I can't believe someone actually drove over six hours on snowy, icy roads just to see me. He got here around 1:00 in the morning Thursday night/ Friday morning and it was just like he was getting home. Not weird, not awkward, just good. It should have been awkward since it was the middle of the night and we went to bed like an hour later, but it wasn't. I think I kissed him less than 10 minutes after he got in the door. That's pretty unlike me. Well, maybe not... chemistry is instant and 100% or not at all with me. We spent a great weekend together not really doing anything at all. It was wonderful. I'm still kind of reeling and trying to figure it all out. For a fraction of a second I allowed myself to think "wow, this could really be the one..." and that really should have scared me but it didn't and then THAT did scare me. ;-) I'm dumb. I was so excited that the first thing I did on Monday morning was find and apply for a job where he lives. I was playing it off as no big deal (and it is a perfect job for me) but inside I was kind of getting excited about the prospect of leaving and possibly having a real relationship with someone that seems great. I had it all planned out... I was going to get the job, I was going to move, it was all going to somehow work out in spite of the fact that I don't have enough money to be able to survive a move. I was going to get there and take one credit of something to keep my degree open and then my last class was supposed to be an online class over the summer and then I was going to be done with my degree and not have to suffer through one more winter in Siberia alone and cold. It was an exciting (if a little irrational) prospect.
Then yesterday happened. It seemed like wonderful news... and it was. I got to work late after sort of accidentally over sleeping. I got to my office without anyone really noticing that I was late and a few minutes later I got an email. The email said something about how another student requested the class I need to graduate and that they were going to offer it to her as a readings course and that I could take it too if I wanted. I was momentarily pissed that I was an afterthought after two years of bitching and begging to take this class. But then I realized... HOT DAMN, I'm going to be done a semester sooner than I expected! I was all excited and it seemed to work out perfectly since it's a readings class... that meant one reading each week for 15 weeks and a review. Heck, I can do that ANYWHERE! Yay! The universe allowed me roughly 24 hours of bliss... thinking I was going to graduate early and get away and live happily every after and SOON! Then the other shoe dropped. There is a discussion aspect to the class. A weekly, mandatory discussion... and it's on Friday morning... every Friday morning from January through April. That kills any and all chance of leaving this dump any time soon. It also kills any chance of spending any significant amount of time with the Utah guy since his days off are Friday and Saturday.
I feel sort of stupid now... falling in love in one weekend... making plans to move for a guy... actually applying for a job that is perfect and would start in around the start of the new year. It was exciting and fresh and unexpected and made me happy. And now... it's all gone. I feel like I should be happy and I will be happy since I'm getting exactly what I've wanted for almost two years. I get to take my last class and graduate and that's wonderful! I guess it just sucks to give up a better dream... one that I usually don't let myself indulge in.
To let loose,
To let free,
To breath in,
To breath out,
Peace out.
Then yesterday happened. It seemed like wonderful news... and it was. I got to work late after sort of accidentally over sleeping. I got to my office without anyone really noticing that I was late and a few minutes later I got an email. The email said something about how another student requested the class I need to graduate and that they were going to offer it to her as a readings course and that I could take it too if I wanted. I was momentarily pissed that I was an afterthought after two years of bitching and begging to take this class. But then I realized... HOT DAMN, I'm going to be done a semester sooner than I expected! I was all excited and it seemed to work out perfectly since it's a readings class... that meant one reading each week for 15 weeks and a review. Heck, I can do that ANYWHERE! Yay! The universe allowed me roughly 24 hours of bliss... thinking I was going to graduate early and get away and live happily every after and SOON! Then the other shoe dropped. There is a discussion aspect to the class. A weekly, mandatory discussion... and it's on Friday morning... every Friday morning from January through April. That kills any and all chance of leaving this dump any time soon. It also kills any chance of spending any significant amount of time with the Utah guy since his days off are Friday and Saturday.
I feel sort of stupid now... falling in love in one weekend... making plans to move for a guy... actually applying for a job that is perfect and would start in around the start of the new year. It was exciting and fresh and unexpected and made me happy. And now... it's all gone. I feel like I should be happy and I will be happy since I'm getting exactly what I've wanted for almost two years. I get to take my last class and graduate and that's wonderful! I guess it just sucks to give up a better dream... one that I usually don't let myself indulge in.
To let loose,
To let free,
To breath in,
To breath out,
Peace out.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Check out that smile!
Someone had never been given flowers... now he has! Check out that smile! So worth it!
13 Year Old Girl
Yes, it's true. I have turned into a 13 year old girl. I have been observed talking on the phone for hours on end and saying things like "no, you're sweet." It's disgusting and kind of makes me want to puke but I love it at the same time. It is a little concerning... I don't act like this. I hate talking on the phone. I hate texting. I hate driving. I don't even drive to the next town to spend time with friends I've known for years, let alone visit some dude 6 hours away. I swore I would never be in another long distance relationship ever again. But here I am... deep into "like-like" with a guy that I've yet to actually meet in person. There is just something about him. It's stupid... but he knows to not use "alot" ever, even in text messages, he knows all the lyrics to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song, he doesn't do drugs, he has a culinary degree and a black belt in kung fu - and all those things are somehow really important to me and I have no idea why. Fuck, I'm even making a mix tape for him. How gross is that? But seriously... I love it. Just 6 days, 16 hours until he's here... +/- an hour. Not that I'm counting down or anything.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Whoa...
Halloween has come and gone once again. We had a really great party at my house with lots of fun guests, many in fun costumes. I was a scary trucker. A little too scary actually. ;-) My roommate was in drag again. This time much nicer than the year before. It was fun! The party was Friday night, which meant I was pretty worthless Saturday and ended up just staying in to wath movies and take a hot bath. I kind of wish I had gone to Rocky Horror Picture Show but oh well... another year.
My boy in Utah continues to confuse me. But he confuses me because I like him so much. I'm not sure I've ever had this intense of feelings so quickly for someone that I haven't even met in person yet. We've been talking on the phone a lot and texting pretty much constantly. He's my last thought at night and my first in the morning. And... I feel like that's something that would gross me out and scare me in the past. He's coming to visit me in 11 days. Not that I'm counting down or anything... And that's something that I feel like I wouldn't let anyone do in the past. This dude has me all messed up, but in the most wonderful sort of way. What the hell? I don't get crushes on people that live 7 hours away that I haven't met. I don't like talking on the phone. I don't like sending umpteen thousand texts a day that say cheese ball things like "xoxo" or "thinking of you." This is not me! I don't get it. Oh, and for the record... whatever concerns I had in my last blog are mostly gone. It's so hard to tell if someone is a psycho or if they are just really into you. One is scary, the other is sweet. Hell... they are both scary but one is in a good way. I have a feeling that my life is about to get very complicated.
My boy in Utah continues to confuse me. But he confuses me because I like him so much. I'm not sure I've ever had this intense of feelings so quickly for someone that I haven't even met in person yet. We've been talking on the phone a lot and texting pretty much constantly. He's my last thought at night and my first in the morning. And... I feel like that's something that would gross me out and scare me in the past. He's coming to visit me in 11 days. Not that I'm counting down or anything... And that's something that I feel like I wouldn't let anyone do in the past. This dude has me all messed up, but in the most wonderful sort of way. What the hell? I don't get crushes on people that live 7 hours away that I haven't met. I don't like talking on the phone. I don't like sending umpteen thousand texts a day that say cheese ball things like "xoxo" or "thinking of you." This is not me! I don't get it. Oh, and for the record... whatever concerns I had in my last blog are mostly gone. It's so hard to tell if someone is a psycho or if they are just really into you. One is scary, the other is sweet. Hell... they are both scary but one is in a good way. I have a feeling that my life is about to get very complicated.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Psycho in a Tinfoil Hat
Sometimes your knight in shining armor turns out to be a psycho in a tinfoil hat.
More on that later...
Work has been good this week. I have a cool new collection to work on and I'm enjoying writing the finding aid. Plus it's not every day I have something in my office worth more than the house I'm living in. That's a bit scary actually. Oh and I'm getting a new "office." I guess it's nice that I'm being offered a new work space but it's really just the cubicle next to the one I already have. It's slightly bigger and has a window. Whoo hoo... moving up in the world. But I'm only getting it because the two other people in my department are being given real offices with doors and real furniture that isn't bolted down and everything. I suppose I should just be thankful.
My class is kind of kicking my butt lately. I missed one day last week when we had a quiz. I took the quiz today. Have I mentioned how much I hate quizzes? Because I do. A lot. I have an assignment due tonight that should take about an hour to complete if I just sit down and do it. I just hate doing homework after being at work all day.
Tonight I'm going to a lecture with the most recent local crush. I haven't heard from him in a week since I decided I was no longer going to contact him until he figures out what in the hell he wants from me. I guess it worked since he basically invited me to something he knew I was already going to. Oh well. I'm hardly in a place to turn down a friend since there are like 9 people in this entire town that I can stand going out into public with.
So, I met some random dude online a week or so ago. He lives several hours away. We wrote back and forth for a while, graduated to IMing, then started talking on the phone -nightly. I have to admit that I have a bit of a crush on him. It's just so stupid since he lives like 7 hours away. I don't drive to the next town over to go on a date, let alone schlep my ass to the next state. Also, the age of the text message sucks. It is impossible to convey any level of sarcasm or humor in just a few words. Hence... he is kind of coming across as a needy crazy person at the moment and I'm probably coming across as a cold jerk. Ultimately I guess it doesn't matter. I'm pretty much booked until spring with homework, field trips, church things, family things, and other stuff. I am a little surprised about how much I'm into this dude though and still evaluating if he's a knight or a psycho or something between. Oh well.
To let loose.
To let free.
To breath in.
To breath out.
Peace out.
More on that later...
Work has been good this week. I have a cool new collection to work on and I'm enjoying writing the finding aid. Plus it's not every day I have something in my office worth more than the house I'm living in. That's a bit scary actually. Oh and I'm getting a new "office." I guess it's nice that I'm being offered a new work space but it's really just the cubicle next to the one I already have. It's slightly bigger and has a window. Whoo hoo... moving up in the world. But I'm only getting it because the two other people in my department are being given real offices with doors and real furniture that isn't bolted down and everything. I suppose I should just be thankful.
My class is kind of kicking my butt lately. I missed one day last week when we had a quiz. I took the quiz today. Have I mentioned how much I hate quizzes? Because I do. A lot. I have an assignment due tonight that should take about an hour to complete if I just sit down and do it. I just hate doing homework after being at work all day.
Tonight I'm going to a lecture with the most recent local crush. I haven't heard from him in a week since I decided I was no longer going to contact him until he figures out what in the hell he wants from me. I guess it worked since he basically invited me to something he knew I was already going to. Oh well. I'm hardly in a place to turn down a friend since there are like 9 people in this entire town that I can stand going out into public with.
So, I met some random dude online a week or so ago. He lives several hours away. We wrote back and forth for a while, graduated to IMing, then started talking on the phone -nightly. I have to admit that I have a bit of a crush on him. It's just so stupid since he lives like 7 hours away. I don't drive to the next town over to go on a date, let alone schlep my ass to the next state. Also, the age of the text message sucks. It is impossible to convey any level of sarcasm or humor in just a few words. Hence... he is kind of coming across as a needy crazy person at the moment and I'm probably coming across as a cold jerk. Ultimately I guess it doesn't matter. I'm pretty much booked until spring with homework, field trips, church things, family things, and other stuff. I am a little surprised about how much I'm into this dude though and still evaluating if he's a knight or a psycho or something between. Oh well.
To let loose.
To let free.
To breath in.
To breath out.
Peace out.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Mysteries
Mystery #1: Solved
I went to visit my friend in the hospital last night since I was told that visiting hours were in the "evening." I showed up right at 5:00 and a nice hospital employee walked me up to the 3rd floor and pointed out the creepy intercom system that I had to use to ask to be let in. I asked for my friend and was told there wasn't a patient there by that day... I tried every version of his name and then slowly spelled his last name emphasizing various letters, as if I were trying to guess a secret magic word that would open the door. No luck. I turned and walked away feeling rejected by an intercom speaker. I decided to ask the front desk if maybe he was moved to a regular room. No luck. He was just gone. A few phone calls later and I found out he was transferred out hours before. I have no idea how long he'll be gone or when he'll be back, if ever. I'm a little upset that I didn't get to see him. It's not like I'm seeking credit for spending hours in a cold smelly waiting room just to see if he would survive but I think it's important for him to know that people were there for him. I guess the next part of his journey has to be taken alone.
Mystery #2: Solved
I was at work yesterday and got to do a little detective work. Some glass plate negatives of some fairly important Native American leaders from the late 1800's were "missing." I eventually found them. It's a little crazy that something so important could get "lost" but when you have literally countless items in a building that are all one of a kind... it happens sometimes. It makes me happy to do something like that. Research that leads directly to an end result is rare in my line of work. Today I'm going to work on reuniting the two halves of the collection in whatever way I'm able.
Mystery #3: Unsolved
This isn't so much a mystery as a two part musing. Part one: boys are stupid. Part two: why are all the best ones elsewhere? Well... that second part is easy, I live in the middle of nowhere and there are like 9 gay guys my own age that live within 50 miles and most of those I don't want. Strike that, I don't want any of them. I haven't specifically contacted my most recent crush since last week (when he preemptively broke up with me for the second time). He's made no attempt to contact me either. Well... that's not true... he did send me a text earlier in the week to see if I was ok. I guess that was sweet of him. Fuck, I forgot that and remembering makes it harder to be mad at him. Oh well. Doesn't matter. He doesn't want me and as much as that stings I have to just move on with my life and not care. In spite of all the emotional turmoil I've been dealing with this week I've somehow managed to meet three guys and I have a date with one of them coming up. Unfortunately... only one lives here. I've known of him through mutual friends for years but kind of forgot about him. I don't think we will be be especially compatible for dating but we'll have our little coffee date and see what happens. The second lives in the next town over, he's a little too young, and smokes but seems like a good guy. The third I have a pretty big crush on. He is exactly my age, meets all but one of my insane requirements (location), has silvering hair (which apparently I find sexy), thinks alliteration is funny (which I also find sexy), and has a slight Australian accent (which I find REALLY sexy). Too bad he lives over six hours away. We spoke on the phone last night for quite a while.
Mystery #4: Unsolved
My roommate seems to have taken a short break from his whoring road trip. He drove a couple of hours to see Random Guy #4 on Monday night - the same night I really needed to NOT be alone since I had spent the entire evening in a waiting room wondering if my friend would live or die. He gave me a big hug and listened to me when he got home (past midnight) which was great. That's twice in one week that he's come home to find me sobbing and consoled me. That counts for a lot I guess. He was supposed to go on a 7 hour road trip to see some dude this weekend but canceled that when my life went crazy. That worked out since I actually have a field trip on Saturday and the dogs would have been alone for like 10 hours otherwise.
Mystery #5: Solved
I'm going to main campus to eat a donut. :-P
I went to visit my friend in the hospital last night since I was told that visiting hours were in the "evening." I showed up right at 5:00 and a nice hospital employee walked me up to the 3rd floor and pointed out the creepy intercom system that I had to use to ask to be let in. I asked for my friend and was told there wasn't a patient there by that day... I tried every version of his name and then slowly spelled his last name emphasizing various letters, as if I were trying to guess a secret magic word that would open the door. No luck. I turned and walked away feeling rejected by an intercom speaker. I decided to ask the front desk if maybe he was moved to a regular room. No luck. He was just gone. A few phone calls later and I found out he was transferred out hours before. I have no idea how long he'll be gone or when he'll be back, if ever. I'm a little upset that I didn't get to see him. It's not like I'm seeking credit for spending hours in a cold smelly waiting room just to see if he would survive but I think it's important for him to know that people were there for him. I guess the next part of his journey has to be taken alone.
Mystery #2: Solved
I was at work yesterday and got to do a little detective work. Some glass plate negatives of some fairly important Native American leaders from the late 1800's were "missing." I eventually found them. It's a little crazy that something so important could get "lost" but when you have literally countless items in a building that are all one of a kind... it happens sometimes. It makes me happy to do something like that. Research that leads directly to an end result is rare in my line of work. Today I'm going to work on reuniting the two halves of the collection in whatever way I'm able.
Mystery #3: Unsolved
This isn't so much a mystery as a two part musing. Part one: boys are stupid. Part two: why are all the best ones elsewhere? Well... that second part is easy, I live in the middle of nowhere and there are like 9 gay guys my own age that live within 50 miles and most of those I don't want. Strike that, I don't want any of them. I haven't specifically contacted my most recent crush since last week (when he preemptively broke up with me for the second time). He's made no attempt to contact me either. Well... that's not true... he did send me a text earlier in the week to see if I was ok. I guess that was sweet of him. Fuck, I forgot that and remembering makes it harder to be mad at him. Oh well. Doesn't matter. He doesn't want me and as much as that stings I have to just move on with my life and not care. In spite of all the emotional turmoil I've been dealing with this week I've somehow managed to meet three guys and I have a date with one of them coming up. Unfortunately... only one lives here. I've known of him through mutual friends for years but kind of forgot about him. I don't think we will be be especially compatible for dating but we'll have our little coffee date and see what happens. The second lives in the next town over, he's a little too young, and smokes but seems like a good guy. The third I have a pretty big crush on. He is exactly my age, meets all but one of my insane requirements (location), has silvering hair (which apparently I find sexy), thinks alliteration is funny (which I also find sexy), and has a slight Australian accent (which I find REALLY sexy). Too bad he lives over six hours away. We spoke on the phone last night for quite a while.
Mystery #4: Unsolved
My roommate seems to have taken a short break from his whoring road trip. He drove a couple of hours to see Random Guy #4 on Monday night - the same night I really needed to NOT be alone since I had spent the entire evening in a waiting room wondering if my friend would live or die. He gave me a big hug and listened to me when he got home (past midnight) which was great. That's twice in one week that he's come home to find me sobbing and consoled me. That counts for a lot I guess. He was supposed to go on a 7 hour road trip to see some dude this weekend but canceled that when my life went crazy. That worked out since I actually have a field trip on Saturday and the dogs would have been alone for like 10 hours otherwise.
Mystery #5: Solved
I'm going to main campus to eat a donut. :-P
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)