My dining room table still has a lovely bouquet of tulips on it but I haven't heard from the guy that sent the flowers in days. Oddly enough, I've been sent flowers to my office twice. Both times I was thoroughly embarrassed, a little confused, and very flattered and both times marked the end of the relationship. Am I really THAT bad at receiving gifts?!! Sure, I went pretty nutty for a while after I received the flowers, balloons, and gigantic basket of diabetes but I think I was very careful to shield all of that insanity from the guy that sent it to me. I think it was just the generosity of the gift that freaked me out, plus the slight inappropriateness since I wasn't even sure if we were officially "in a relationship." Oh well. Life goes on. In a week or two we might be able to be friends. The dating thing wasn't working out so well anyway.
It's funny how a small detail or a scent can call up a memory at a totally unexpected time. I went to the symphony with my roommate last night. He had been excited about it for weeks since it was Beethoven's 9th. We got there, took our seats and I noticed there was one empty seat to my right. A few minutes later my roommate nudged me and said "your new neighbor is here" and pointed to a cute guy making his way down the aisle then he said "get me his number!" He was cute. About my height and build, cute hair, academic looking glasses, a neatly trimmed light brown beard, and a great smile. Then I realized he reminded me of someone and not just anyone... the one person I don't allow myself any contact with anymore, a guy that I hurt very deeply, a guy I was incredibly attracted to but had nothing in common with. He was cute, sweet, smart, and loaded... but not for me. We dated off and on for like 3 years and it would always start and end the same way. He would contact me and ask me on a date, I would be flattered and tell him I would like to get to know him better but didn't think dating was a good idea. We would go out and it would go well, he would ask a second time, it would go well and then he would get ahead of himself and do something to freak me out like plan our life together in Brooklyn or just generally get inappropriately handsy in the car or something and I would tell him to back off or slow down and he would ask me out again. I would decline and by doing so hurt him more than I realized. We went through that entire process three times. Anyway, all that came rushing back to me last night in the symphony. To make matters worse this dude had the same cologne. It was a little distracting and added a an unwanted air of melancholy to Ode to Joy.
Anywhosle... Despite the unexpected weirdness it was a great performance and I felt very privileged to be there and I'm still really excited about my trip to DC!!!
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Bragging!
A few weeks ago I submitted an application to attend the GLSEN Safe Schools Advocacy Summit in Washington DC. There is a pretty intense interview process to get to attend since they can only send 18 students and 20 adults and if you get picked they pay to fly you there, put you up in a hotel, feed you and you attend a 4 day summit. So, that's less than 40 people nation wide that get picked. I figured I might get as far as a phone interview but applied anyway. I knew the phone interviews were going on earlier this week and my phone never rang so I assumed I wasn't picked but then I got an email from GLSEN last night congratulating me! I was picked! I'm in! I'm going to DC for 4 days to attend a Safe Schools Summit! YAY!!! I filled out and turned in the paperwork this morning and they will be making travel arrangements for me and my tickets will arrive in the next week or so! The conference is about 3 weeks away. It's going to go fast! Neat!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The Five Stages of Giant Gift Basket Grief
Denial
“Maybe it’s from my mom? Maybe they made a mistake?”
Anger
“Why would he spend so much, doesn’t he know how much pressure this puts on me?!”
Bargaining
“Maybe I can explain that this makes me really uncomfortable and split it with him or just flat out give it back.”
Depression
“I’ll just leave it here and work in my other office.” “Uhg, I need a nap.”
Acceptance
“Hey, look snacks! I love snacks! What an awesome gift!”
Why do I have to turn one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me into a big scary thing? Sure, it was a bit extravagant... but that's also what makes it sweet. New plan: Stop being such a crazy bitch and just accept this generous gift with a little grace and dignity. Yay for flowers, balloons, and a HUGE basket of goodies!
I need a vacation from my life
I turn 29 tomorrow. I have an odd impulse to get my right nipple pierced. I don’t know why. I’m only sort of kidding. And yes, this entire post is going to be every bit as random as the previous 4 sentences. It’s snowing and all I want to do is go back home and go to bed. Or better yet, go home and finally watch season four of Doctor Who. I might actually do that. Work has been kind of fun lately. I’m working on a collection of old sci-fi/ horror/ monster movie photos. Actually, it’s a LOT more than photos but I’m working on the photo section right now. The collection also has a Tribble in it, which I have discovered I take it as a personal insult if someone doesn’t know what that is. I was talking to my mom on the phone the other day and she was complaining about work and all the drama and how she was afraid the business would be sold and my biggest work concern was that I couldn’t find the King Kong folder, which I found the next day. So, I guess no complaints in that department today. I have yet again made plans to finish my masters degree, this time in a new department with a new emphasis. I had a meeting yesterday to see how many classes it would take to be done and the magic number was three. I’ll take the first one this summer. It’s a field course in historic preservation. I’ll have to take a week off from work but that’s what vacation is for, sorta. I’m kind of seeing someone. I wouldn’t say we are dating but we are going on dates. Or at least we were. I think we might have skipped the entire dating part and gone directly to the boring-been-married-for-40-years-no-longer-having-fun part. The last time I saw him we watched like 5 hours of reality tv, cuddled on the couch, argued about who was hungry and who wasn’t and then ultimately skipped dinner for no apparent reason, didn’t fool around even– at all, and then I got bored and drove home in a blizzard. So needless to say, it was a pretty romantic valentine’s weekend between that and spending 5 hours on Sunday helping set up for and then attending a funeral. What else… The doggies are pretty happy. The little one is taking classes and the big one is a total traitor. For some reason my dog likes my roommate better and my roommate’s dog likes me better. Nobody is really sure why. Poop. I was actually going to leave work and watch Doctor Who in bed at home for the rest of the day but just remembered that I’m apparently waiting on a flower delivery at work. The dude I’m seeing is a sweet heart despite his inherent dullness and is “surprising” me with “something” at work today. I’m guessing flowers. If it’s something like a singing telegram I’m calling him to break up before the song is done. This was after he harassed me for an hour through email and text messages (half of which were sent before I even got to work) to get my work address. For some reason it really bothers me that he didn’t just think to go to my work website and get the delivery address. Having good problem solving skills is sexy to me, apparently. Anywho… I guess I’ve rambled long enough and since I’m stuck here anyway I better get some work done. Geeze, I’m such a bitch. Thanks for the flowers, now quit bothering me.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Resplendent
Isn't that just about the most delicious word ever?! Resplendent... yum!
I went to bed last night feeling great about things. I have no idea why. I was just happy. I still am happy. For some reason I feel like something good is coming. I have no idea what, just something good. If feels like spring, except it has nothing to do with the weather if that makes any sense at all.
I am continuing to see my new gentleman friend. We had a very nice date last Friday and we will have another one tomorrow morning. I still have no idea what to think of this dude but I find myself actually wanting to spend time with him so that's kind of a big deal for me. The thought of having a boyfriend on Valentines Day sort of nauseates me, but I'm not sure why. I'm still not using the "boyfriend" word yet, by the way. We do seem to be going in that direction though... we've been "seeing" each other for about a month. This weekend I'm going puppy shopping with him and having sushi. Next weekend we're going to a club to go dancing!
The doggies are still insane. My dog is a traitor lately. When my roommate is gone she's a total mess and just waits by the door longing for him to return. She does the same for me, but I'm selfish and only want her to miss me. My roommate is training his dog. She's doing alright. She's nuts, but small and cute so she gets away with it.
What else... I paid off a credit card! I was so excited that I called to tell my mom. Just 3 left to go. *gulp* I haven't used them in years, this is all debt I racked up while I was unemployed between under grad and grad school. If I stick to my "plan" I should have everything paid off in 18-20 months. That includes my car. The idea of not having credit card and a car payment is awesome. I am so into the idea of paying off stuff that I even spent 3/4 of my tax return on it. Being an adult is lame.
Not much else to report I guess. It's Friday afternoon and I'm really full from lunch and just want a nap. I'm not actually working, maybe I'll go home early. I'm also jonesing for a pepsi. I wonder if I have some change around to buy one...
I went to bed last night feeling great about things. I have no idea why. I was just happy. I still am happy. For some reason I feel like something good is coming. I have no idea what, just something good. If feels like spring, except it has nothing to do with the weather if that makes any sense at all.
I am continuing to see my new gentleman friend. We had a very nice date last Friday and we will have another one tomorrow morning. I still have no idea what to think of this dude but I find myself actually wanting to spend time with him so that's kind of a big deal for me. The thought of having a boyfriend on Valentines Day sort of nauseates me, but I'm not sure why. I'm still not using the "boyfriend" word yet, by the way. We do seem to be going in that direction though... we've been "seeing" each other for about a month. This weekend I'm going puppy shopping with him and having sushi. Next weekend we're going to a club to go dancing!
The doggies are still insane. My dog is a traitor lately. When my roommate is gone she's a total mess and just waits by the door longing for him to return. She does the same for me, but I'm selfish and only want her to miss me. My roommate is training his dog. She's doing alright. She's nuts, but small and cute so she gets away with it.
What else... I paid off a credit card! I was so excited that I called to tell my mom. Just 3 left to go. *gulp* I haven't used them in years, this is all debt I racked up while I was unemployed between under grad and grad school. If I stick to my "plan" I should have everything paid off in 18-20 months. That includes my car. The idea of not having credit card and a car payment is awesome. I am so into the idea of paying off stuff that I even spent 3/4 of my tax return on it. Being an adult is lame.
Not much else to report I guess. It's Friday afternoon and I'm really full from lunch and just want a nap. I'm not actually working, maybe I'll go home early. I'm also jonesing for a pepsi. I wonder if I have some change around to buy one...
Monday, January 25, 2010
Bloggity
(Posted without reading or editing)
It’s been so long since my last blog. I just haven’t felt like writing for some reason. Maybe I’ve just outgrown it? I dunno.
Wow, I just skimmed my last few blogs. When did I turn into a 13 year old girl? “Dear diary, I met a boy and he’s like totally neat… yadda yadda yadda.” It actually took me a second to even remember what guys I’m referring to in my last blog. Needless to say they are no longer in the picture. And of course there is a new one and of course I like him and of course I could describe him as “not my type” but “interesting” and “I’m enjoying getting to know him” and it’s all true but it’s always true. I ran across a series of emails from last August, less than a year ago and I had no recollection of who the guy was that I was corresponding with. There are several emails and it seems we met on some online dating site and he was going to move to town and we flirted and they are cute emails but it’s like they are from someone else’s life. I have no memory of who they were written to. I’m slowly coming to the realization that I ALWAYS have some guy I’m interested in and I’m in the middle of some disconnected courting phase that invariably ends with a whimper. Is it just that I’m very selective? Or is it that on some level I don’t want a real relationship and I just want to flirt with some anonymous pen pal? It really puts my current love interest into perspective. I hesitate to say anything about him now because I feel like it would just be a regurgitation of everything I’ve ever said about any guy. I will say this one thing though, things are simple with him. We’ve been out three times and it’s not been awkward and they have clearly been dates and we have been open about everything. It is unusual for me to like someone, have him like me back, and then to spend time together knowing that. That should not be unusual.
Work is the same. I very nearly applied for a job in San Francisco a couple weeks ago. It would have been a really cool job but the start date was 3 weeks after the posting date and as fluid as I am, I still couldn’t have possibly moved my entire life to California in less than a month. Plus, I’m broke. I’ve been paying off my credit cards, car, and student loans fairly aggressively so that at some point in like a year or two I can be reasonably debt free and then be truly fluid.
Which brings me to my current living situation. I love ling in this little house and I really like the guy I’m renting a room from – but only about 80 – 90% of the time. There are the typical privacy issues that come with having any roommate but in addition to that are the little odd things. He is a bit OCD about vacuuming the house. We each have a dog so dog hair is a fact of life but we also have hard wood floors so the hair mostly collects in the corners and under furniture. I like to be tidy, but he vacuums at least 3 times a week and gets upset that I don’t do the same. He spent literally 45 minutes vacuuming the living room and hall this weekend. No exaggeration. In that time I cleaned the entire bathroom, vacuumed my room, did a load of laundry and tidied up my room. At a certain point clean is clean and it’s not getting any cleaner. It’s good for me to have to keep things tidy but sometimes he seems resentful that I don’t help him in his OCD cleaning extravaganzas. I also have a hard time stomaching his friends. I like them just fine… BUT he has them over 1-3 times a week and that’s fine except they never show up on time. An hour late is not unusual. He will say dinner is at 6, they will say they will be there at 7, and they finally show up at 8. It’s also not unusual for them to show up at 10 at night. Then they stay for a minimum of 4 hours regardless of when they get there. They are a bit bracing and since I’m the only American and only non scientist in the house I find myself feeling sort of left out and insulted. Plus my roommate gets this really infuriating “houseboy” mentality when they are around and occasionally makes me feel obligated to do the dishes or something and that’s when the irrational resentment that I don’t make him pancakes in the morning or vacuum for 2 hours a week comes out. I generally end up pissed off after these lovely little dinner parties. But like I said, the majority of the time I love living there. Plus… I have nowhere else to go. Finding a rental that accepts a large dog is almost impossible and I’m far from being able or willing to buy a house right now.
In other news: I’ve been busy with planning symposiums and sponsoring a student group and with church stuff. It still freaks me out a little that I belong to a church. It’s a really super amazingly cool church but it’s still odd for me.
Well, I don’t feel like I’ve said anything interesting in this blog but I guess it felt good to write it.
It’s been so long since my last blog. I just haven’t felt like writing for some reason. Maybe I’ve just outgrown it? I dunno.
Wow, I just skimmed my last few blogs. When did I turn into a 13 year old girl? “Dear diary, I met a boy and he’s like totally neat… yadda yadda yadda.” It actually took me a second to even remember what guys I’m referring to in my last blog. Needless to say they are no longer in the picture. And of course there is a new one and of course I like him and of course I could describe him as “not my type” but “interesting” and “I’m enjoying getting to know him” and it’s all true but it’s always true. I ran across a series of emails from last August, less than a year ago and I had no recollection of who the guy was that I was corresponding with. There are several emails and it seems we met on some online dating site and he was going to move to town and we flirted and they are cute emails but it’s like they are from someone else’s life. I have no memory of who they were written to. I’m slowly coming to the realization that I ALWAYS have some guy I’m interested in and I’m in the middle of some disconnected courting phase that invariably ends with a whimper. Is it just that I’m very selective? Or is it that on some level I don’t want a real relationship and I just want to flirt with some anonymous pen pal? It really puts my current love interest into perspective. I hesitate to say anything about him now because I feel like it would just be a regurgitation of everything I’ve ever said about any guy. I will say this one thing though, things are simple with him. We’ve been out three times and it’s not been awkward and they have clearly been dates and we have been open about everything. It is unusual for me to like someone, have him like me back, and then to spend time together knowing that. That should not be unusual.
Work is the same. I very nearly applied for a job in San Francisco a couple weeks ago. It would have been a really cool job but the start date was 3 weeks after the posting date and as fluid as I am, I still couldn’t have possibly moved my entire life to California in less than a month. Plus, I’m broke. I’ve been paying off my credit cards, car, and student loans fairly aggressively so that at some point in like a year or two I can be reasonably debt free and then be truly fluid.
Which brings me to my current living situation. I love ling in this little house and I really like the guy I’m renting a room from – but only about 80 – 90% of the time. There are the typical privacy issues that come with having any roommate but in addition to that are the little odd things. He is a bit OCD about vacuuming the house. We each have a dog so dog hair is a fact of life but we also have hard wood floors so the hair mostly collects in the corners and under furniture. I like to be tidy, but he vacuums at least 3 times a week and gets upset that I don’t do the same. He spent literally 45 minutes vacuuming the living room and hall this weekend. No exaggeration. In that time I cleaned the entire bathroom, vacuumed my room, did a load of laundry and tidied up my room. At a certain point clean is clean and it’s not getting any cleaner. It’s good for me to have to keep things tidy but sometimes he seems resentful that I don’t help him in his OCD cleaning extravaganzas. I also have a hard time stomaching his friends. I like them just fine… BUT he has them over 1-3 times a week and that’s fine except they never show up on time. An hour late is not unusual. He will say dinner is at 6, they will say they will be there at 7, and they finally show up at 8. It’s also not unusual for them to show up at 10 at night. Then they stay for a minimum of 4 hours regardless of when they get there. They are a bit bracing and since I’m the only American and only non scientist in the house I find myself feeling sort of left out and insulted. Plus my roommate gets this really infuriating “houseboy” mentality when they are around and occasionally makes me feel obligated to do the dishes or something and that’s when the irrational resentment that I don’t make him pancakes in the morning or vacuum for 2 hours a week comes out. I generally end up pissed off after these lovely little dinner parties. But like I said, the majority of the time I love living there. Plus… I have nowhere else to go. Finding a rental that accepts a large dog is almost impossible and I’m far from being able or willing to buy a house right now.
In other news: I’ve been busy with planning symposiums and sponsoring a student group and with church stuff. It still freaks me out a little that I belong to a church. It’s a really super amazingly cool church but it’s still odd for me.
Well, I don’t feel like I’ve said anything interesting in this blog but I guess it felt good to write it.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
When Two Worlds Collide
It’s been a while since my last blog. A lot has happened and at the same time nothing has actually happened. Status quo. Lame.
I came very near to a relationship and then the universe (and the guy) made other plans without me. It’s probably for the best but that doesn’t do much to numb the sting of rejection. To make a long story short… I’ve known this guy for years. He was a friend of a friend and then we started taking a yoga class together last May. We would see each other for an hour or two a week and chat before and after class and it was very nice. Eventually I thought to myself “hey, why don’t you ask this guy out?” And the answer in my head was less than enthusiastic. We seemed compatible in most ways but there wasn’t really any spark or attraction there. I assume he came to a similar conclusion as well. But I decided to get to know him better and see if a spark could develop. We went to a few places together – not really dates but not “not dates” either, sort of a gray area where we went places together but without any sort of requirement of romance. On the last “sort of date” two things happened. 1) I started to develop feelings for him and 2) he met someone else and as far as I know they are still dating. This wasn’t so bad… it just didn’t work. I didn’t really have to put myself out there to be rejected… life goes on. But then his roommate (a mutual friend) bought me a drink a day or two later and warned me that the guy in question was going to try to set me up with someone – someone I have met and have no interest in for a variety of reasons but mostly because he’s so far in the closet he can’t even see the door. This is where I got my feelers hurt because this was a clear indication of guilt on his part. This says to me “hey, I realize we were sort of seeing each other but it didn’t really work for me and I want to thank you for introducing me to my current boyfriend by fixing you up with this guy that is clearly all wrong for you.” So, now I get all the pain of rejection without ever having to put myself on the line. Neat. To make matters worse I lost my yoga buddy.
But I bounce back quickly these days. I had one preliminary “not date” with another guy already and plan on having an honest to goodness real date with him in a couple days. This new one is interesting. There is a bit of a spark that I’m having trouble figuring out. He doesn’t seem like my “type” but experience has taught me that my “type” consists of guys that don’t want me, live too far away to be realistic, or have some sort of major issue that prevents a healthy relationship. So, fuck my “type.” I’m going to have fun and meet people and most importantly… I’m going to attempt to not over think every stupid little thing.
Last week was Thanksgiving, the traditional time of year for coming out to your family, except I came out to mine years ago. It went well but we agreed that my parents should be the ones to tell my extended family if they so choose. This was a time gamble that they would tell them before I ended up bringing a “roommate” or “friend” home for the holidays at some point. My reasoning behind this was that my parents have to see my extended family on a regular basis and I see them maybe 4-6 times a year. So the last time I went home I found out that my dad told my grandpa and did an AMAZING job of it. This time I found out that my mom told my grandma, two aunts, and subsequently pretty much the entire extended family. All she said was that my grandma has known since I was a little boy. So, um… that was simple. No muss, no fuss, no drama, no problems. It should have been a relief and maybe it will be once I digest everything but for now I feel weird. I have no excuse to not bring a special someone home for the holidays since they are now expecting it. I have no secrets, no lies, nothing to hide behind… it’s just me and that’s not something I’m used to and it’s kind of terrifying. There were no conversations with extended family this trip. Actually, nobody really said much at all to me. It’s not that they were avoiding me… I think I was avoiding them. I felt oddly isolated and more of an outsider than I ever have before. I’m sure that will pass in time. There is always an adjustment period.
I did have one very unsettling conversation with my parents one night. My dad bought my mom a little pistol “for home protection” for the nights that my dad and brother are out. The phrase “for home protection” grates on my every nerve. My parents don’t live in some inner city neighborhood wrought with violence, they live in cattle country. Their nearest neighbor is a cop, then my grandparents, then an aunt and uncle, then about a mile until anybody else. I’m not so naïve to think that bad stuff can’t happen even there… but it’s astronomically unlikely. I explained this to my mom months ago and she brought up one incident that happened in a town 2 ½ hours away where a man was shot in his bed while he slept. Ok… so what about the thousands of other nights where nobody was shot? And how would having a pistol in his nightstand protected him if he was sleeping? It was a totally fear based argument that was not in the least based in reality. I determined that the NRA had gotten my family to drink the koolaid and there wasn’t much I could do about it. So, I decided to just let it drop. If my mom feels better having a pistol in her night stand then I guess there is no harm in that (other than the very real possibility that my dad or brother will come unexpectedly and get shot and it also made me think twice about getting up for a drink of water in the night).
And then the conversation started up again. Only this time it was aimed directly at me. They said that I need a gun “for home protection.” I asked against what or who since I live in a good neighborhood in a very safe town and have never once thought a second time about going out alone at night or really about doing anything. I’ve not once felt unsafe in my home. I know my neighbors, I know my community, and I know my town. Sure, bad stuff happens everywhere but it’s the exception and even then the far exception and never the rule. I explained this and then my dad did the unspeakable. He invoked “his” name – the poster child of hate crime whose shadow I have lived in since I was 17 years old. Basically my parents argument was that Matthew Shepard was just minding his own business and some bad people killed him for being gay so naturally since I live in the same town the same will probably happen to me and I need a gun to defend myself. I was insulted, shocked, angry, and horribly disappointed. This was exactly the propaganda I fight every time I leave my town. This murder was a fluke… while it does happen all over the world far more often than it should; it was not in any way a reflection of my community. I can feel safe in my community because I help to make and keep it safe. I could have shrugged it off as no big deal except for the look of real fear and concern in my parents eyes. How do I convince them that I’m probably in one of the safest places in the world for me? How do I show them that by even introducing the idea that I am unsafe they are shattering my sense of safety? How do I explain that I don’t want anything in my home that is designed for the sole purpose of killing a person? A giant rift suddenly opened up between me and my parents and years worth of work and understanding and late night heart to hearts fell into it. In a matter of minutes it became clear that my parents, for all their attempts, simply don’t understand who I am on a fundamental level. I’m just some gay dude and in their world faggots are still hunted and killed. Their world is a scary place and now it’s overshadowing the peaceful world I’ve created for myself. I don’t know how to reconcile that.
I came very near to a relationship and then the universe (and the guy) made other plans without me. It’s probably for the best but that doesn’t do much to numb the sting of rejection. To make a long story short… I’ve known this guy for years. He was a friend of a friend and then we started taking a yoga class together last May. We would see each other for an hour or two a week and chat before and after class and it was very nice. Eventually I thought to myself “hey, why don’t you ask this guy out?” And the answer in my head was less than enthusiastic. We seemed compatible in most ways but there wasn’t really any spark or attraction there. I assume he came to a similar conclusion as well. But I decided to get to know him better and see if a spark could develop. We went to a few places together – not really dates but not “not dates” either, sort of a gray area where we went places together but without any sort of requirement of romance. On the last “sort of date” two things happened. 1) I started to develop feelings for him and 2) he met someone else and as far as I know they are still dating. This wasn’t so bad… it just didn’t work. I didn’t really have to put myself out there to be rejected… life goes on. But then his roommate (a mutual friend) bought me a drink a day or two later and warned me that the guy in question was going to try to set me up with someone – someone I have met and have no interest in for a variety of reasons but mostly because he’s so far in the closet he can’t even see the door. This is where I got my feelers hurt because this was a clear indication of guilt on his part. This says to me “hey, I realize we were sort of seeing each other but it didn’t really work for me and I want to thank you for introducing me to my current boyfriend by fixing you up with this guy that is clearly all wrong for you.” So, now I get all the pain of rejection without ever having to put myself on the line. Neat. To make matters worse I lost my yoga buddy.
But I bounce back quickly these days. I had one preliminary “not date” with another guy already and plan on having an honest to goodness real date with him in a couple days. This new one is interesting. There is a bit of a spark that I’m having trouble figuring out. He doesn’t seem like my “type” but experience has taught me that my “type” consists of guys that don’t want me, live too far away to be realistic, or have some sort of major issue that prevents a healthy relationship. So, fuck my “type.” I’m going to have fun and meet people and most importantly… I’m going to attempt to not over think every stupid little thing.
Last week was Thanksgiving, the traditional time of year for coming out to your family, except I came out to mine years ago. It went well but we agreed that my parents should be the ones to tell my extended family if they so choose. This was a time gamble that they would tell them before I ended up bringing a “roommate” or “friend” home for the holidays at some point. My reasoning behind this was that my parents have to see my extended family on a regular basis and I see them maybe 4-6 times a year. So the last time I went home I found out that my dad told my grandpa and did an AMAZING job of it. This time I found out that my mom told my grandma, two aunts, and subsequently pretty much the entire extended family. All she said was that my grandma has known since I was a little boy. So, um… that was simple. No muss, no fuss, no drama, no problems. It should have been a relief and maybe it will be once I digest everything but for now I feel weird. I have no excuse to not bring a special someone home for the holidays since they are now expecting it. I have no secrets, no lies, nothing to hide behind… it’s just me and that’s not something I’m used to and it’s kind of terrifying. There were no conversations with extended family this trip. Actually, nobody really said much at all to me. It’s not that they were avoiding me… I think I was avoiding them. I felt oddly isolated and more of an outsider than I ever have before. I’m sure that will pass in time. There is always an adjustment period.
I did have one very unsettling conversation with my parents one night. My dad bought my mom a little pistol “for home protection” for the nights that my dad and brother are out. The phrase “for home protection” grates on my every nerve. My parents don’t live in some inner city neighborhood wrought with violence, they live in cattle country. Their nearest neighbor is a cop, then my grandparents, then an aunt and uncle, then about a mile until anybody else. I’m not so naïve to think that bad stuff can’t happen even there… but it’s astronomically unlikely. I explained this to my mom months ago and she brought up one incident that happened in a town 2 ½ hours away where a man was shot in his bed while he slept. Ok… so what about the thousands of other nights where nobody was shot? And how would having a pistol in his nightstand protected him if he was sleeping? It was a totally fear based argument that was not in the least based in reality. I determined that the NRA had gotten my family to drink the koolaid and there wasn’t much I could do about it. So, I decided to just let it drop. If my mom feels better having a pistol in her night stand then I guess there is no harm in that (other than the very real possibility that my dad or brother will come unexpectedly and get shot and it also made me think twice about getting up for a drink of water in the night).
And then the conversation started up again. Only this time it was aimed directly at me. They said that I need a gun “for home protection.” I asked against what or who since I live in a good neighborhood in a very safe town and have never once thought a second time about going out alone at night or really about doing anything. I’ve not once felt unsafe in my home. I know my neighbors, I know my community, and I know my town. Sure, bad stuff happens everywhere but it’s the exception and even then the far exception and never the rule. I explained this and then my dad did the unspeakable. He invoked “his” name – the poster child of hate crime whose shadow I have lived in since I was 17 years old. Basically my parents argument was that Matthew Shepard was just minding his own business and some bad people killed him for being gay so naturally since I live in the same town the same will probably happen to me and I need a gun to defend myself. I was insulted, shocked, angry, and horribly disappointed. This was exactly the propaganda I fight every time I leave my town. This murder was a fluke… while it does happen all over the world far more often than it should; it was not in any way a reflection of my community. I can feel safe in my community because I help to make and keep it safe. I could have shrugged it off as no big deal except for the look of real fear and concern in my parents eyes. How do I convince them that I’m probably in one of the safest places in the world for me? How do I show them that by even introducing the idea that I am unsafe they are shattering my sense of safety? How do I explain that I don’t want anything in my home that is designed for the sole purpose of killing a person? A giant rift suddenly opened up between me and my parents and years worth of work and understanding and late night heart to hearts fell into it. In a matter of minutes it became clear that my parents, for all their attempts, simply don’t understand who I am on a fundamental level. I’m just some gay dude and in their world faggots are still hunted and killed. Their world is a scary place and now it’s overshadowing the peaceful world I’ve created for myself. I don’t know how to reconcile that.
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