Walk On

Someone recently told me that I write better when I’m happy. I suppose that makes sense. Being angry and bitter doesn’t really suite me. I’m more of a hopeful optimist. I guess it’s sort of my “thing.” So, on that note – here is a happy feel good blog with a healthy dose of nostalgia mixed in for good measure. Course, I say that but I have no idea what will actually come out in this blog. I’ll do my best to keep it upbeat!

I went home this weekend to see my family and to pack up some of my things from my childhood room. My parents are building a new house and I’m losing “my” room. It’s probably time. It’s stayed mostly unchanged for 8 years. I’m a pretty nostalgic person so I expected for this to be a lot more traumatizing than it actually was. I hate letting go, “growing up,” and that sort of thing. And yet, my biggest issue was simply figuring out where I would put all that stuff. I brought back several boxes of books, a shelf, a box of Hotwheels, a tub of Legos and two boxes of dishes – and that was only a small percentage of all the stuff I have to find a place for.

Going home to Moorcroft was an odd experience for me this time. I’m not sure why it struck me so hard this particular trip, but I have completely outgrown that town. It has nothing to offer me and going there is almost like time traveling. I went to the grocery store with my mom and it was such an odd experience. She remarked about how they carried bowtie pasta now (apparently they didn’t before and she would have to buy it in Gillette, 30 miles away). I noticed that the produce section was smaller than the lettuce section in most grocery stores and that they had a big canning section. I noticed 50 pound bags of potatoes. I noticed items that I was unaware anyone had used in years and that I don’t normally see in most stores. Everything there was geared at a much slower lifestyle, which is great but somehow seemed very odd to me.

There was also this really odd incident where my mom ran into another mom at the store. I was there with my mom and they said hello to each other and the other mom looked right at me and said “Is Kirby home too.” Then she went on to talk about her kids and to ask all sorts of questions about my brother, but completely ignored me. Have I become the black sheep of Moorcroft? Am I now the social pariah? I’ve never really fit in but it’s just small town courtesy to ask about all of someone’s kids, not just one. I was a nice kid in high school. Moms liked me. I was the freaking prom king for crying out loud. I’ve gone on to do a lot of really great things since high school and I don’t have to prove anything to some stupid small town mom looking down her nose to me. I really mean it though; I’m not hurt or upset about this incident. I would barely even call it an incident. I had no interest in her or her kids so why should I expect her to care about me? It’s also entirely possible that I imagined the entire thing. Either way, I guess it’s good to realize that I’ve moved on and the world I’ve created for myself in no way resembles the world I once lived in. It’s not a bad thing; it’s just the nature of life.

This seems considerably less “hopeful” and “happy” than I planned on. So, moving on!

Work stuff is about the same as always. I’m pretty much bored to tears while I’m at work about 80% of the time, which is why I do things like write long blogs as I’m working. But even though I’m bored and my job is completely unsatisfying, it is still a job, it pays well, it can sometimes be interesting, and I like the people I work with. Things could be a lot worse. I did apply for a couple other jobs last week, one here, one elsewhere. I feel good about them and I think I’ll be given at least one offer and even if I don’t get either job, there is nothing wrong with this one. I just feel like it’s time for more.

I mentioned in a past blog (I think) that I plan on asking someone out. I haven’t done it yet but it’s going to happen in the very near future. I’m a little scared to be honest. This guy seems to have no internet presence at all so I know very little about him. I’m used to doing my “research” before going out with someone. Read a profile or two, look at pictures, read an “about me” essay, chat a few times… that sort of thing. I guess this is how dating worked in the past. It scares me but I think I like it. A mutual friend has been helping to facilitate the entire process and has spoken to each of us. Wow, that makes it sound like she’s negotiating some sort of treaty or something! I guess the moral of the story is that I don’t really know him but he comes highly recommended by someone I trust and I’m kind of excited about the prospect of getting to know someone in person!

But, since my life is weird, awkward, and complicated… I had coffee with a friend last night. He’s a nice guy and if situations were slightly different I would date him in a second but as it is our relationship looks something like this: We have coffee about once a month, we chat and have a nice time and then it’s another month before I hear anything at all from him. It’s a little odd but it works, at least for now. But last night seemed different somehow. We had a really nice chat for over two hours and I couldn’t help but notice that almost all of our random conversations really pointed out that we have a lot in common. Nothing was different than it ever had been, but at the same thing everything had changed. It had the feel of a date. At one point he asked me if we could “go out” sometime in the near future. We also made a lot of odd offhand future plans. “Oh, you’ve never done such-and-such? Well, sometime I’ll have to take you to do that.” I think we have plans to have dinner on either Friday or Saturday but I honestly have no idea if that’s going to really happen. Very unexpected and odd.

When it rains, it pours. I could go weeks or months without going on a single date and then all at once two or three guys will suddenly get interested in me all at once and then there is usually some random awkward stuff mixed in for good measure. I suppose it should be flattering, but it’s just weird and complicated. Well, this time I’m not going to worry about it. A date does not equal a relationship and I can date as many people as I want until I decide one should be more. No sense in shutting a door when you’re not sure where you’re going!

I’ve been obsessed with The Weepies lately. I’m going to end with the lyrics to Can’t Go Back Now.

Yesterday, when you were young,
Everything you needed done was done for you.
Now you do it on your own
But you find you're all alone,
What can you do?

You and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now.

You know there will be days when you're so tired that you can't take another step,
The night will have no stars and you'll think you've gone as far as you will ever get

But you and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now
And yeah, yeah, go where you want to go
Be what you want to be,
If you ever turn around, you'll see me.

I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself

And you and me walk on
Yeah you and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now
Walk on, walk on, walk on
You can't go back now