Awkward is My Strength

So, it’s been a while since I wrote a blog. I’m a crabby patty right now so I apologize in advance. I’m not really sure what’s going to come out in this blog, but I’ll try to not whine (too much).

Work has sucked lately. Well, it’s actually been decent. I am just nearing my breaking point with all the office and administrative bull shit. To recap, my boss left 7 months ago, I’ve been doing my best to fill his shoes but I’ve had to fight the administration to do it since they refuse to acknowledge that I’m capable of doing this job and also DOING it. I’ve applied for it 3 out of 4 of the times they have advertised and have been turned down in favor of nobody each time. I can’t imagine what they are thinking. The department not only has kept going but has flourished since I “took over.” It went from one half time employee and a supervisor to two full time employees, one half time, and one part time student worker. We’ve upped our production considerably and have even moved into a bigger office space. Who the hell do they think orchestrated all of that!?! I was even introduced as the department manager by someone giving a tour today. Virtually everyone in the building recognizes that I’m in charge down here and that I know what I’m doing and that I’m doing a good job, aside from the 3 people doing the hiring for this job. Two people are coming in to interview in the next week or two. I don’t really know how to feel about that. I won’t sabotage them since it’s not their fault but I won’t be able to work for them either, and I’ll even have to train them. Awesome. On a positive note, I actually really like the new office and it will be downright pleasant once we get some stuff hung up on the walls.
Dogzilla has been a disaster lately. Not sure what her issue is. I’ve actually taken her for a walk every day this week, which is really unusual in the winter since I’m so busy and it’s normally miserably cold out. She has a new toy that she plays with some but for the most part she just sits under my footstool and whines all night. She won’t play by herself for more than a few minutes at a time and even then she quietly whimpers like it’s just not as much fun as it should be. She needs more space and another dog to play with but I can’t give that to her yet. Poor puppy. Otherwise, she’s a pretty happy girl most of the time, it’s just from about 6 at night until I go to bed that she’s unbearable.

My love life continues to be complicated but for some reason it bothers me less now than it has in the past. Last night as I was getting ready for bed I tried to imagine what it would be like to be in a permanent stable relationship. What would it be like to go to bed every night knowing someone else was going to be there? What would it be like to wake up and have breakfast with someone? What would it be like to have someone help me do the dishes after dinner? I have to admit, I really want these things but I also have a hard time picturing them. I’ve had them for brief periods of time and enjoyed them but I know my life isn’t ready for it now. I need to work on ME and my situation before I add another factor to the equation. Hmm… that seems like a revelation or something. Interesting.

So, school has started again. The students are back, classes are in session, things are rolling along. We had our first Spectrum (GLBT student group) meeting and that’s all great. I’m still super proud of the group this year. Well, I’m always proud of them but even more this year than before!

With the start of the school year also came the start of the next legislative session. A super alert Spectrum member brought it to our attention that there was a constitutional amendment in the works that would negate same sex marriages performed in other states. It’s not enough that same sex marriage is already illegal in this state, but it had to be taken one step further to void all other legal same sex marriages performed elsewhere. Way to go “equality state!” I saw a copy of the actual bill and recognized one of the sponsors as being the father of the friend I took to my junior prom. I went to school with his second youngest daughter for about as long as I can remember and I am still really good friends with his youngest daughter. He has prom photos of me on his living room wall. Photos that my family replaced after their house burnt down a few years ago. I know this man, I know his wife and his kids, I’ve been in his house. He’s a good man and his family is wonderful and so I was faced with a huge dilemma. Do I write to him and out myself or do I just float on? I know that many people that write legislation like this simply don’t see the people that it affects. They don’t realize that they know “actual real live gay people.” Most people don’t expect the prom king to be gay but I was the prom king and I am gay. I was the nice boy that parents liked. I was polite, respectful, smart, and I still am – being gay hasn’t changed that. So, I did one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in recent memory and I sat down and wrote an email to him. I weighed my words carefully, I went at the issue from several different angles, and I made sure to insert myself into the email as much as possible as a reminder of who I was, who I am, and who I always will be. I’m the guy that was voted prom king in a small town in spite of the fact that I never played any sports, which is social suicide in most rural towns. I have always gotten to where I want to be in life based solely on my character and integrity. I was nice to everyone and never turned my back on someone in high school, and that is how I was became prom king. I hope the same is still true today.