San Francisco, Day 4 (and some thoughts)

We woke up the next morning the same way we woke up the previous mornings, still cuddling. I typically don’t sleep well when anyone is in my bed and I usually don’t like to be touched when I’m trying to sleep but I sleep better with J and like it when he holds me. *sigh* The entire trip was sort of like 3 days of G rated foreplay with no release of any sort. So by the end it was getting harder and harder to behave. Even saints have an off day. That morning we had our one and only slip up – a kiss, a slow, gentle, not particularly long kiss… but it was filled with electric current and something that transcended passion. As far as kisses go it was pretty amazing in spite of the morning breath and forbidden nature of it, or perhaps that only added to it's awesome-ness. I was on the verge of either pushing myself off the side of the bed to stop anything else from happening or just letting it happen when I made the (probably) wise decision to go take a cold shower. I don’t know why I put myself in situations like this. Actually, I knew exactly why I was putting myself through this hell. I love him. I hate that I love him but just the same, I do. I’ve never met someone that I was so in tune with. He fills in all my gaps to make me feel whole even though I’ve never felt empty before. It’s sort of like a stone wall with not enough mortar between the stones. Even without mortar, it’s still a wall but with mortar it’s a stronger wall and more wall-like. Being with him makes me feel more myself instead of less myself if that makes any sense. We finished packing, checked out, called a cab and went to the airport. We checked into our flights, went through security, had an early lunch of bad curry and teriyaki. After we ate I dumped our tray (the lady only gave us one since it was clear we were together) and I watched our bags as he brought coffee back for both of us. It’s the little couple-y things that I love the most. Being single is hard. I love being independent but I love someone bringing me a cup of bad coffee even more. We waited at his gate since his flight left first. We held hands and cuddled and threatened all sorts of marriages and all sorts of children’s concepts of marriage while we waited. Then his flight started to board. I was happy he was in the last seating group since it meant spending another 5 minutes with him. I kissed him goodbye and watched as he boarded the plane. Come to think of it, I don’t know if I kissed him on the lips or on the cheek or what. I didn’t cry as I walked away. It might sound insane but I feel like I’ve known him for as long as there have been people. I feel like we find each other in every lifetime and sometimes we are lovers, sometimes we are enemies, sometimes we are together, sometimes apart but we are always something to each other. Now comes the part where I start to waver. I hate this situation. All I want in the world is a simple relationship. I don’t want to bust out the stupid “it’s complicated” status on Facebook. I don’t’ want that. I want “in an exclusive relationship” or I would even be happy with “dating.” I just want to go home at night and not be alone. That isn’t so much to ask is it? J told me in an email that he feels like in some alternate universe we are dating and it’s a good place to be. I suppose I know what he means but I live in this universe and I’m alone and he’s in a relationship with someone else. I understand he’s just as confused as I am, perhaps more so. I realize he must have some pretty deep feelings for this other guy and ultimately they are in the same city while I’m a country away. But I can’t help but wonder… Are there fireworks when they kiss? Do they complete each other? Do they share one heart, one mind, one soul? Did they have dreams about each other, even before they met? I don’t want to interfere in lives and I don’t want to get carried away but I don’t want to let someone this important to me slip away simply because I didn’t fight to keep him. I can’t be objective. Maybe I’m being stupid. Maybe I will get hurt. Or maybe I will get everything I ever wanted and then some. Time will tell.