Valentine's Day Can Kiss My Ass

There wasn't really room in the last blog for a romance update. Having those details in there just didn't seem to fit thematically. So, here it is. I should preface this with an apology since it will sound like me whining about being alone on Valentine's Day (which it will be). I actually had 3 options for Valentine's Day (here after referred to as VD).

I was asked a week or two ago to spend the day in Boulder with the nice Jewish boy. I told him yes. I'm not sure why, I immediately knew it was a mistake. But... he's been trying so hard for so long and he's so cute and has so much to offer. I figured if I gave him one more chance and really tried them maybe we could just create a middle ground. I need to learn to trust myself since I've just never felt it with him. No sparks, no fireworks, no "vavoom," nothing. I am attracted to him, but that can't be everything and doesn't really leave much room for conversation. So, I said yes and regretted it but planned on following through. That was until he sent me a text message saying "I think you should spend the night." This is why EVERY date I've ever canceled him has gone awry. I don't want to spend the night and it makes me really uncomfortable for him to just expect it. Again, that should tell me something. If I was really into this dude then I should be excited about the possibility of getting a little action. But no... not Captain Prudence. So, I told him no and he got his feelers hurt and we called it off.

And that's when CRAZY came back. In a previous blog I wrote about how one of the three people I've ever written out of my life asked to be a part of it again. Months ago this guy went completely nuts on me after we had an argument so I blocked him and wrote him out of my life. He apologized recently and seemed genuine so I forgave the past and gave him another shot. That was about two weeks ago. He immediately started asking me to visit him or if he could visit me here. I was still reluctant since he was REALLY horrible to me the last time and I didn't trust him yet. Against my better judgement (again) I reluctantly agreed to meet him in town for dinner. He ended up canceling since he heard it would snow and I was incredibly relieved. Then he wanted me to go there instead but I had plans already. Somehow this equated rejection in his book, and maybe it was... but come on, there is no reason why I would want to see him just yet. So, all week he's been passive aggressive and bitchy. Then he asked me to spend VD with him. I told him I had other plans (since at that moment I did) but I would let him know if they fell through. He immediately pouted and told me he would just expect to spend the day alone. End of conversation as far as I was concerned. So, last night he asked if my plans fell through. Two sets of plans had actually fallen through by that point and I'll get to that in a minute. So I told him that my plans had fallen through but my week had been hell and I was going home this weekend to recharge. He interpreted this as an indicator that I had been holding out for something better, that fell apart so I was running home to my mommy. I was irritated with this interpretation since it wasn't entirely true but I let it go. I didn't owe him an explanation. We'll return to CRAZY in a minute.

So, there has been a guy that has been sort of walking in and out of my life for a year or two. He was the first guy I dated in a long time that I really liked outside of the Canadian but his family life prevented a relationship. First he was taking some time off to take care of his sick dad, then he moved to Georgia, and now he's just under 2 hours away going to school. So, he went back on my radar. We had been texting and speaking on the phone and flirting for a few days and I realized that I screwed up with him before - big time. I didn't think he was interested so I didn't push matters with him before but he was interested and he thought I wasn't interested since I didn't pursue him. (Stupid boys.) We worked through that and had worked out sort of a calling schedule where we were talking every day or two or three. He calls me "hun" and always has, that makes me melt every time. So, I had hoped to spend the weekend with him since I actually do like him and always have. Then his dad passed away Monday. He had been really sick for a very long time and it was expected. I still feel horrible for him. He flew home to Georgia and will be there for a week or so. I'll see him when he gets back. Poor guy.

So, back to CRAZY (yes, he deserves all caps). I got to work this morning (almost 2 hours late and holding a super sweet latte but nobody noticed either) and I had an offline message from him. He sent it early this morning because he got to thinking and needed to tell me just how horrible and rude I am for brushing him off and how I should stop living in the past and just see him as he is. He then went on to tell me what a horrible person I am for brushing him off for someone else and then was a complete bitch about my decision to go home and "recharge." Incidentally, I'm not going home now and will next weekend, but that's a different story. He sent back a horrible reply calling me names like a "typical fucking fag" and at one point told me that he wants to punch me in the face but I deserved worse. This was all because I was reluctant to spend VD with someone I was 99.99% certain is completely insane. I blocked him again and added him back to my life long list of 3 people I never want to hear from again. A little later I got a friend invite from a stranger, I knew it was him but I accepted and he managed to top himself in sheer insanity. My only reply was "Are you even listening to what you are saying? You sound insane." He didn't reply. It amazes me that someone can be THAT crazy and still somehow manage to function in society.

So... that still leaves me alone on VD. I have already threatened to stay home all day, drink black coffee, chain smoke, and watch horror movies except I hate cigarettes. I still might projectile vomit if I see anything pink or hear shaped.

I also came to the odd realization that the one person I want to be with is completely out of my reach and for some reason I'm using him as a measuring stick for future romances and relationships. I've done that before with someone else, hopefully I get over it. But when I'm in bed at night... he's the one I wish was there with me. *sigh* I'm a hopeless whiney mess.