I am Imaginary

I don’t exist. Or at least sometimes I worry that I will stop existing for certain people. I don’t mean that in a “death or dying” sort of way or even in some sort of weird existentialist sort of way. Or maybe I do… but that would require reading up on existentialism and I don’t want to do that. It’s just that sometimes I worry that my existence is dependent on others paying attention to my existence. Sort of in the same vein as “if a tree falls in the woods…” or how “fun” doesn’t really count as “fun” to my dog unless someone is watching.

I have some great friends that live in the same town as me that I see fairly often, but other than my roommate I don’t really “hang out” with anyone a regular basis. Sure there are occasional lunches and coffees and cocktails after work but there is nobody that I actually spend time with on purpose more than once every week or two or three. So many of my friends are “e-friends” that live in a different city, state, or even country. I spend an inordinate amount of time writing to people each week that I’ve not seen in weeks or months or even years. Some of these people are incredibly important to me and even if I don’t see them I can’t imagine what my life would be like if they weren’t a part of it at some point in some way. But then I wonder if I just stop writing to these people, how long would it be before they noticed? A month? What would happen if we just never spoke again? Friendship has no contractual obligation… so what keeps us together? I’m almost afraid of answering that question because often the answer might be; “nothing.” I keep these people with me as memories. They are sometimes badges of accomplishment, sometimes morose reminders of failed relationships, and sometimes reminders of who I once was.

I can think of at least 4 people that were at various times my “best friend” but I have seen in months. And knowing this it makes me wonder where I’ll be in a year, or 5 years, or 20 years and who will my friends be then. Will I finally give up on all the imaginary people in my life or will I still be diligently writing to them? Will they give up on me and let me shrink back into the corners of their memory? And if that does happen then what was the point? Or will they stop being “imaginary” friends and go back to being “real” friends that I hang out with regularly? Will they somehow get bumped up the list? Will fate draw us back together? And it’s this hope and possibility that makes staying in contact worth the effort.

For the record, if you are reading this, it probably doesn’t apply to you. Few people still bother to read this blog and those people I imagine will probably stay with me in some way forever. I guess the people I’m worrying about right now fall under the category of “almost lovers.” People that I had a short relationship with or would have liked to have had a relationship but something prevented it. People that I cared about very deeply for a very short amount of time and longed to make a part of my life but couldn’t do that in any way other than “pen pal.” These are the people that I still hang on to. Some of you might remember almost a year ago when I accidentally fell in love with an author. We spent so little time together but it felt like we had always known each other. We still keep in touch but he’s busy writing and teaching and has a boyfriend and lives in a different country. I write and I wait a few weeks and eventually hear from him. Each time I about convince myself that he’s ended our friendship by simply not writing and each time I almost come to terms with what that would mean to me and then an email shows up apologizing for not writing sooner. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to just let this go… to let him lapse… but I can’t and I won’t. There are others that I have on my messenger list that I chat with once every month or two. Guys I was hopeful about but again something prevented a real “in person” relationship. No matter the reason seeing them online or getting an email is simultaneously a happy but very nostalgic moment for me.

I know this post is out there. It rambles and doesn’t make much sense. I just needed to write. Congratulations if you made it this far.

To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.