Liminality

Between two places. Threshold.

It’s been a long time since my last post. I’ve been really busy and I guess I just haven’t felt the urge to blog. I find that my blogging usually corresponds to times in my life where I need an outlet to vent since something is not right or I’m not happy for some reason. So, I guess not blogging is a sign that things are going well for me. That’s good news I guess.

I came to an interesting realization recently. I always sign my name with a ~ before it on emails. In addition to being a tilde it’s also a sign of approximation. So, what I’m really saying is that I’m only approximately myself so I’m always in a state of becoming. I suppose this is probably accurate. I’ve always felt like I’m sort of between places and “becoming.” Becoming what… who knows… more myself? I suppose that’s probably true.

I’ve been a busy little bee lately. I went home to see my family the weekend before last. It was nice to see them and I’m happy to say it was less awkward than it’s been for the last few visits. Nobody outed me to an extended relative, nobody got all creepy conservative on me, there was no discussion of uncomfortable political differences, it was just nice. The weirdest part of the entire weekend was when my dad and brother were gone and it was just me and my mom hanging out at home. I have no idea how to use their TV/satellite. I don’t even have cable anymore and they have pretty much every channel in the universe and just one universal remote to run their huge flat screen, DVD player, satellite, and whatever else it is that my brother has installed. So, when my dad left he plunked the intimidating remote next to me on the couch and I found myself watching a rerun of a show on Food Network that I don’t even like. My mom came in and asked what I was watching and I mumbled something vaguely comprehensible that she interpreted as “please change the channel since I’m scared of this remote.” She found HGTV since apparently that’s what she watches when dad leaves and Color Splash was on. She apparently just adores the host of this show and went on and on about how cute he is and how much she likes him and then she got all conspiratorial and asked if I thought he was gay. I had my laptop next to me so I just googled his name. I didn’t really need to google him to know he was gay, he was practically vomiting rainbows. So, I told my mom that yes he was gay and then she wanted to know how old he was and where he lived and implied that it would be ok if I brought him home some day. Weird as it was, it was very sweet of her. My parents are great.

October is gay awareness month and I’ve certainly been aware of being gay. The GLBT student group has been keeping me very busy lately with events. Sunday night we wrote all over the sidewalks for the “first national you-are-loved sidewalk message project.” It was really cool and I actually ended up on the evening news because of it. Sometimes people just need a reminder that they are loved.

I went to church for the first time in years last Sunday. The Universal Church of Christ in town is having their “coming out” party as an open and affirming church and the pastor asked for people to come talk with their adult study group about our coming out stories. They were so supportive and accepting and wonderful. It was amazing to be asked into a church exactly as I am. His sermon was really good too. He started with the story of Jonah and the Whale, talked about how he doesn’t believe this is a literal story but how it is most certainly “truth.” Just to hear a pastor say that he doesn’t believe in the literal translation of the Bible meant a lot and that he recognized the fact that it’s a parable – a teaching story. Then he talked about liminality, one of my favorite subjects. I love the idea of in-between places since I often feel like I’m in a state of flux from one form to another. His sermon was about the in-between times in your life and about how sometimes it takes a big event to shake everything loose so that you can “rearrange your internal furniture.” He even talked about how the church was in an in-between place now of moving to be an open and affirming church that welcomes same gender loving and transgendered congregants. This morning I saw that I missed a phone call from him, asking if he could borrow a rainbow flag or some sort of rainbow flair to decorate the church with next Sunday. It’s going to take a while to wrap my mind around all this. He even offered to do commitment ceremonies for GLBT people. That’s big.

My life has been in a sort of constant state of change for as long as I can remember and I feel like I have even bigger changes in my future. Eventually a new job, eventually I’ll buy a house, eventually I know I’ll meet someone and hopefully have a commitment ceremony. These things could all be years and years away but they are on the horizon and that’s comforting. Change is a good thing. Liminality is a good thing. Pleasant surprises are great. I guess I’m happy and that’s great too. It’s probably weird that I have to use the words “I guess” in terms of my own happiness but it’s hard to see yourself since you are standing at ground zero.