Sighs

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words. Romans 8:26

Sighs too deep for words. I kind of feel like I’ve had a few of those this week. I’m sure I’m missing some important events since my last blog but I don’t feel like reading it and filling in gaps. Wednesday I found out that a job I had been waiting on to be offered was denied funding for this school year. It was pretty much the perfect job for me. I would have been working on main campus in the union in a corner office doing gender and sexuality programming and overseeing two resource centers. The job has been vacant since July and was reworked into something perfect for me. I’ve been busting my ass to do at least half of the vital duties in my own free time since someone needs to do it, plus it was a good way to get one foot in the door. I’ve been checking online almost daily to see if it was advertised and I had my cover letter, C.V. and references all ready to submit. Then on Wednesday I was standing in line at the union to buy a slice of pizza before rushing to a class to give a Safe Zone presentation when I saw the dean in charge of the position. She looked sad and apologized that she wasn’t able to get the position funded. She even had cosponsorship from a VP. There simply wasn’t any money. I know the job was never mine but I was so close. It was my little light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve recently decided that Laramie is great aside from two things. 1) I’m bored with my job. 2) I’m lonely and I wonder if I will ever meet a worthwhile guy here. I figured if I could just remedy one of those situations then that would be enough to forgive the 8 month long horrible winters and the fact that I have to leave the state to buy clothes. They will ask again for the next academic year and maybe by then we’ll have money again.

I seem to have met a guy. A guy that lives in this town, is my own age, grew up 30 miles from me in the same county, has a dog, knows practically all my friends, and I’ve actually known for years. He moved away for a few years and just recently came home. So, since he is available and interested I have instantly decided that I don’t like him. I do that. I rewrite reality to make guys that show interest into monsters. Frick… how did I get so damaged? We had coffee on Sunday. It went well so we had a beer. That went well so he asked me on a date. A real date, no games, no pussyfooting around, direct. “Would you like to go on a date with me?” It was so refreshing and to the point. I said yes and meant it. But then my demons came out to gnaw at me. “Oh, he smokes so you can’t date him even though he’s trying to quit.” “He smokes pot sometime so you can’t like him even though you really don’t give a shit if anyone smokes pot.” “He’s not a GQ model.” “His dog is too small, your dog might eat it.” And so on… until I had invented an entirely fictional troll. The date was supposed to be last night (Thursday) but he postponed on Wednesday since he was sick. Then yesterday afternoon he texted to say he was feeling much better and wanted to know if we were still on. I need at least 24 hours to acclimate to the idea of a date and so I freaked out. I told him I made other plans after he canceled. I didn’t mention that those plans were to go home, make a frozen pizza, and eat the entire thing while watching back to back episodes of Doctor Who… Then I felt bad and stupid so I compromised and we walked our dogs together. True to form, my dog was horrible but I kept her mostly under control. His dog was wearing and adorable argyle sweater and we walked through the park for almost an hour just chatting away. It was good. I’m a dumbass. Then I asked him to see a movie with me, which surprised me. In the moment I think I’m true to myself. It’s later that I go insane. Or maybe it’s later that I’m able to digest things and come to a better conclusion… frick… more second guessing. I should be institutionalized.

Um, so what else is going on… I’m getting ready to have a Halloween party. Actually, I need to send out e-vites today. I’m dressing as Doctor Who. I’m a dork but I’m excited about it! I have my suit, I have my sonic screwdriver and psychic paper, my hair is growing out, my glasses are in the mail, I just need the brown trench coat. I’ll hit the second hand stores again this weekend.

This week I gave 2 Safe Zone sessions, one for a class of 32 future teachers, and one for 16 people that just wanted to go through the program. It was really heartening to put 48 people through the program. They were all involved and interested too. The teachers make me really happy. 32 future teachers that will know how to create safe classes for all their students… that’s cool. Doing work like that is really rewarding since I can go home at the end of the day and feel like I really made a difference in the world. It makes me happy but then it made me sad again since I was so close to that being my “real” job instead of just something that I spend a ton of time doing on my own.

Work has been frustrating. I don’t’ want to say more than that.

Things at home are mostly good. I love living there. This weekend was a tad awkward since my roommate asked me if I could go somewhere else for a few hours so he could have sex. The awkward part was that I knew who he was having sex with and that I was also expected to come home when they were done and have dinner with them. Gross. Weird. Awkward. It turned out to be ok though since I came home hyped up on caffeine, slightly drunk, and in a bit of a glow from having an unexpected first date.

This weekend – painting the living room, risotto, Where the Wild Things Are, another date, purple sticky rice, beers with friends/ coworkers, and Halloween planning – in no particular order.