I had a nice Christmas with my family. I drove home a day early due to the typical hysteria we go through about the weather. There was a big storm and supposedly another on the way. My drive home was uneventful other than the fact that it took 6 hours instead of the normal 4 1/2. My dad is still recovering from surgery and was not feeling very well for the first few days I was home. My parents were actually planning on flying back to Mayo's on the Monday after Christmas to have him looked at again. But then the day after Christmas my dad was suddenly "1000 times better." We spoke the other night and he's getting better every day, to that's good! Most of my time at home was spent watching whatever horrible show my dad happened to have on. I must have watched at least 5-6 hours of shows in the "the worlds most blankiest blank" genre. What could be more wonderful than watching Gary Busy and Tanya Harding narrate shows like "The Words Stupidest Crimes" and " The Worlds Most Ridiculous Record Breakers." Oh wait... pretty much anything is better than that. So, once I realized that I didn't HAVE to watch the tv just because it was on I managed to read a book, finish season 5 of 30 Rock and I just recently started watching the Matt Smith episodes of Doctor Who. After about a week of sitting at home eating too much pie and sitting on the couch I went back to my home - once again ahead of some sort of epic storm that never really appeared. I picked up my roommate's dog on the way home and for about 4 days the two dogs were my only real company. It was sort of pathetic really. New Years Eve was kind of a disappointment. I had plans to go to either a party in Cheyenne or Denver but the roads were horrible and/or closed. I started feeling pretty bad for myself for a little bit but then decided to just make the best of it. I made myself some fun homemade mini pizzas, watched a movie, and then read a good book. At midnight I toasted the new year alone with a glass of sparkling white grape juice. That sounds pretty sad but it kind of worked for me. I actually have good feelings about 2011. I feel like some big changes are waiting for me this year.
So, my Utah boyfriend. I don't know about him. I haven't seen him in about a month and won't see him for another almost 3 weeks. We talk on the phone nightly and lately I've started to resent that we MUST talk on the phone EVERY night since it's the exact same conversation every night. He's driving home from work, I'm struggling to stay awake for just 30 minutes longer, it's hardly interesting conversation. Lately he's started to notice how distant I'm sounding, which is actually fairly perceptive on his part and we spent most of the last two days "discussing" things. My problem is that I don't see a happy ending for this relationship. We have spent 2 weekends together and I've only known him since mid October. He's convinced that we will eventually have a house and kids together. I have no idea why he thinks this since he barely knows me. It takes a LOT longer than 2 1/2 months to get to know and understand me. Plus he lives 6 hours away. I'm not moving there, he's not moving here, and we can barely mesh our schedules enough to see each other once a month. I'm usually an optimist but I just don't see how this could possibly work out. I suggested yesterday that we just slow things down, take the pressure off, and just concentrate on being friends and getting to know each other without the weight of "happily ever after" sitting on our shoulders. He interpreted this as me wanting to keep my options open in case I meet someone better. It's exactly the opposite really, I just want some of my time back so I can be selfish and do what I want without the obligation of some imaginary boyfriend in a different state weighing me down. I just want to be single and selfish and deal with my own life right now, thank you very much. Plus what is the point of a relationship when you don't see each other? I know he's terrified that I'll find someone "better" and dump him. He says so almost daily, which is sort of a mind fuck, and is starting to become a self fulfilling prophecy. The more he talks about how I'm settling on him and how I will probably meet someone better, the more I believe it. The funny thing is that until he started saying shit like that I was perfectly happy and content. I was head over heels in love with him in the beginning. Now... It's funny... I love him but I'm not sure I actually like him. The other day I tried to think of a list of reasons why I liked him and couldn't come up with a single thing. Not one. I know I should just break it off now and move on. I know it would devastate him but that's his problem for falling in love with someone that is imaginary. I think I'm just a shiny place holder for him since he doesn't really know me as well as he thinks. But then... there is that one tiny memory of how much I liked him in the beginning. There was a reason and there was a list of qualies that I loved about him. That has to still be true on some level, right? I honestly think that if he just backs off and lets things play out naturally I would be fine. I just hate feeling forced and I feel that way. Anyway... I just needed to vent.
In other news: I applied for a job in Arizona at my alma mater. It's a great job and I'm actually really qualified for it. Who knows if I get an offer or even an interview. Time will tell. Next week I start my last class. It won't be easy. I need to start reading for it tonight so I'm a little ahead of the game. I guess that's all. Time to make more coffee and then actually get some work done!
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