I haz a happy

What a great weekend! Actually, it's been a pretty great summer so far in general. Lots of traveling around (even if I haven't left the state), learning a lot, back in grad school, making new friends, seeing old friends, and most importantly just making peace with myself and learning to be happy in Laramie. I attended my first gay wedding this weekend. My fairy godmother married his sweetie. It was a beautiful ceremony - short, sweet, well written, just nice! I had a random acquaintance tag along with me, which was mildly awkward since I wasn't sure if he thought it was a date or what. This was a guy that I've known for like 2-3 years, maybe longer. We randomly see each other at social things and dance and then that would be it. We've had plans to have coffee for like 2 years and he texted me Saturday morning to say he was coming to town and asked what I was doing. I said I had a wedding to go to and said he could be my +1, thinking he would decline. Instead, he showed up at my house and we went together. He wandered off at some point... I guess I should feel bad for not being very attentive but I didn't want it to be a date and there were SO many people at the wedding that I hadn't seen in forever. I don't feel bad. I had fun and ultimately he was the one that just wandered off without saying goodbye. The wedding had not just one but two receptions that lasted well into the night (even though I ran out of steam at about 11:30). I figured I would see a few old friends at the wedding but I didn't anticipate seeing so many friends or making a new friend of someone I was fairly unsure of recently. At any rate, I had a lot of fun, I danced, I drank too much, and I saw some old friends that I have missed a lot.

In other news... I had a second date yesterday. I don't want to say much since I don't want to jinx anything or jump the gun or anything like that. But... I'm excited about this one. If nothing else, going out with him has proven that I'm not actually dead inside. The last few dates I've been on before this, I remember just sitting there making small talk and being resentful that I could be at home by myself watching a movie or reading or walking in the park with my dog and it's never a good sign if you would rather be alone than with the person you are on a date with. Our first date lasted almost three hours and just flew by. The second was brunch followed by a walk in the park with our dogs. How cute is that?! ;-) I don't even remember the last time I liked someone that was actually obtainable. Maybe never? Anyway... we'll see what happens.

I already posted this video on facebook but I want to post it again since I really like it and it seems really appropriate for my life right now. (Thanks Jake!)



I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet

Been A While

I don't even know what my last few posts said or when I posted them... it was over a month ago? Less than? I don't know and I'm not going to look. ;-)

I've been busy and gone a lot. I'm not sure if I already blogged about my trip to Grand Teton National Park or not so I'll just give a quick recap. It was for a historic preservation field class and it was great. It was beautiful and I learned a lot. I really enjoy historic preservation, far more than my current work. As soon as I'm done with my history degree I'll start on a historic preservation degree. Provided the school ever lets me graduate. I'm now at 42 credits and counting... for a 30 credit program. (Long story.)

I had my 10 year high school reunion a few weeks ago. I survived. That was all I hoped for. About 1/3 of us showed up (10) and I was caught up with everyone in like 15 minutes. It's actually very gratifying that I wasn't the only one with little to no interest in seeing the rest of my classmates. Being home was a little odd... I have no desire to be there other than to see my family.

Last week I was in Cody for a Native American art history institute. I learned SOO much and had a couple of amazing teachers. I learned a lot about Native culture and art as well as about how a museum functions. I didn't like being there by myself though. I figured it would be like any other class or conference where everyone goes there as an individual and then meets people but instead people came in pairs and then did things as pairs and left me to be a lonely old spinster in the weird "old lady Bible camp" retreat we were staying at. I hate eating alone... Incidentally, I never want to eat fast food ever again!

Nothing else to report I guess... I'm done traveling for now (as far as I know) and just hanging out in town for the rest of the summer until school starts. I'm not sure what I'm taking. The history department seems to be ignoring all of my attempts to get my life together before classes actually start. I'm about to get angry and start haunting the history building again. If they are going to insist that I meet with my advisor before registering for classes and then give me an advisor that is 80% imaginary since he doesn't reply to emails or phone calls then that leaves me in a bit of a "situation." Actually, I'm angry and going to call the department right now.

To let loose, to let free, to breathe in, to breathe out. Peace out.

The Path of Least Resistance Is Catching Up With Me Again Today

Again Today - Brandi Carlile

Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones
It's words that hurt the most now isn't it
Are you sad inside, are you home alone
If I could just pick up the phone
Maybe you could see a better day
And you won't waste away
under my watchful eye
Because I'm your hero and you're my weakness

Who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

I'm broken down, not good enough
The broken promises add up
To twice their weight in tears which I have caused

I'm afraid to sink, I'm afraid to swim
I'm sad to say I miss my friends
I know that I'm supposed to step away

But they need me to stay and keep a watchful eye
On all my heroes and all their demons

But who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again
Not today
Not today

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones again today
I'm broken down
Not good enough
The broken promises add up again today

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
Again today

I love Brandi Carlile. This is the last song off of The Story. It's a song I had heard many times but never really listened to until recently. It's funny how sometimes you hear the things you need to hear at exactly the right time. So much of this song seems to apply to my life recently. I should preface the following whiney rant with the fact that I AM mostly happy but I feel like I'm taking a back seat in my own life and letting everyone else call the shots. I'm not really happy with what I have but I'm not willing to do anything about it. Things aren't bad "enough" yet. Sure I hate my job but it is a job. Sure I'm bored and lonely but it could be worse. I'm not especially happy with my situation but I have no way of knowing a new one would be better. To make matters worse I seem to avoid situations that could potentially improve my life. I had big plans for this "seize the day" summer where I live in the present and take chances and have fun. It's only early June but I haven't taken this advice yet. I'm pushing people away. I'm declining dates with guys that seem to be interested, are cute, and are completely respectable. I'm not making any attempt to make new friends to replace the ones that have left. I find myself in a situation once again where I'm the last one standing. Nobody is left. I find myself putting together job applications and then not sending them. There seems to be a theme here... fear of rejection. Is that true? If so, where did this come from? I'm not a fan. Well, not today. Time to start staring in my own life. If I'm bored it's because I'm boring and need to do something about it. Summer of Me, here I come!

Dear Universe: What Do You Want From Me?!

I've been trying to get back into grad school for over a year. The first set back was when the university arbitrarily dissolved the "grad school" completely. This meant that each department with a grad program had to pick up the slack of admitting and advising graduate students and nobody really knew what that meant or how to go about doing it. To complicate matters I was reapplying after being expelled. For the record, I shouldn't have ever been expelled. My advisor's parting gift to me was to rain 3 arbitrary F's onto my transcript in a childish and uncalled for attempt to ruin my academic career forever. Even though the F's made no sense, it still took me the better part of 2 years to contest and remove them. Two were for classes he wasn't even teaching. He went so far as to open a second section of the same class, just to give me another F. It was insane and I really wish I knew what I did to piss him off so much. Once I had my GPA back to a reasonable place I still had to go through the steps of being readmitted in spite of the fact that I shouldn't have ever been taken out of the program to begin with. Luckily, the department felt bad about things and has been "trying" to speed things along. Unfortunately, that has just led to complications and mistakes and has ultimately tripled the amount of time I should take. I've now been readmitted 3 times but I'm still not actually able to register for a class. For the first attempt I worked though the admissions office (seems logical) and they sent me to academic and career counseling, who then sent me on a scavenger hunt through 4 other departments to gain signatures. I was finally provisionally readmitted as a "non degree seeking undeclared graduate student" and told I could take 3 credits over the summer. If I did well in my summer class I could apply to be a "degree seeking declared graduate student." Neat. That sucks... but whatever. A week later I got a phone call from admissions telling me that I had done everything "wrong" and that I was not actually readmitted. Ne elaboration as to what "wrong" meant... just that the path I had taken was for undergrads and someone in the 5 offices I went to (including theirs) should have stopped me. Neat. That sucks more. It was at this point that I decided to abandon my old program entirely and start over in a new program. I went through a series of meetings with the American Studies department and figure out that about 12 credits would transfer, leaving me with 18 to take... so *doing the math* that would take a year and a half to two years to finish if I took one or two classes a semester. Ok, that sucks since I have 36 credits that apply to my history program. At that point, I decided to just suck it up and beg to be let back into the history department. The prof that had torpedoed me to start with was gone so I didn't have to worry about him at least. I set up some meetings and sent a bunch of emails and the process of being readmitted was actually a lot easier than I anticipated. I just had to submit a form to the graduate advisor with a couple very short essays and that was it. I submitted everything they asked for within a day and they rushed it through before people left for the summer and I got a letter saying I was back in! Neat! Attached to the acceptance letter was a form saying that I had to accept their acceptance and to check the appropriate box, sign it, and return it to the history office. No problem. I checked the box saying that I did in fact want to be back in the program, signed it, and personally walked it to the department to personally hand it in. No problem. Almost three weeks passed and I still hadn't received a letter from Admissions (who does NOT actually admit, by the way) and nothing had changed online to allow me to register. I called Admissions and they hadn't gotten my paperwork. I called history and they hadn't seen my final form (the one I personally handed in so it WOULDN'T get lost). The next day I went to the history department to sign a second one and the office guy left immediately to personally hand it to the admissions people. But before leaving he gave me yet a third acceptance letter that was clearly not worth the stationary it was printed on. Another week passed and still nothing had changed so I went to Admissions to ask what was going on. It seems they sent back my form because the chair of the history department hadn't signed it. Fan-freaking-tastic! And they used campus mail so it hadn't managed to meander back to the history department yet. That was yesterday. I'm supposed to call the history department this afternoon to make sure they got my form back and to remind them to return it as soon as possible. Frick! This should have taken a week but I've been getting the run around for a year, seriously, a YEAR! So, universe... are you trying to tell me I shouldn't have an MA in history? What is your problem with my having this degree? I just need like 2 classes and to polish my thesis. No big deal. Can't I have this? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?!?!

Out of the Blue

Isn't it strange how something can trigger a memory you weren't really even aware of? I saw some old friends from college at walmart yesterday. Not recent university friends but friends from 8-9 years ago from my days in junior college. I see them every now and then, usually at walmart and we engage in some pleasant small talk. But this time they made me think of someone else. I didn't come out until I was about 24 but I now remember having a distinct crush on a guy in college when I was about 20. He was roommates with one of the people I saw yesterday and I hadn't really thought about him in years. I have such intense memories of being attracted to him. It's so odd. How on earth did I dismiss or not recognize those feelings way back then. We were kind of friends, not close but we chatted every now and then and lived in the same small dorm. I distinctly remember going on trip (oddly enough to walmart) with him at one point in college. He bought bananas and protein mix to make smoothies. I was so attracted to him and remember thinking about him after I got back to my dorm room. I wonder if I avoided him after that and stopped thinking about him. It's so strange, I can practically recall how he smelled and the sound of his voice but I haven't thought about him in at least 6 years, maybe longer. My internet stalking didn't turn anything up. I guess he can join the ranks with my Arizona crush that I never admitted I had a crush on and now can't locate either. I assume they were both straight. I honestly don't know.

Last night I spent over an hour "window shopping" through all of the gay guys within 100 miles and wasn't interested in a single one of them. I think there is a connection here... both of my former crushes that I've mentioned in here were real people in my life that I knew. Real people that in the real world I should have gotten to know better, determined if they were interested, and then either moved on with my life or asked out on a date. This was the missing step. Had I known with 100% certainty that they were straight I would have thought "oh well" and that would have been the end. Instead I had months or years of longing and wondering that made them seem more desirable. But even if they were both straight they had an advantage over every one of the online profile guys I looked at last night. They were real, in person, local, actual guys. I can't deal with meeting one more guy online and then commuting for dates. I hate that. Maybe I'm getting lazy, but I just don't want to drive for an hour or two just to make small talk over coffee or a plate of pasta. That leaves me with only the local options, which seem to be nonexistent. And now I'm back to my original plan - work on me and get the hell out of here so I can move to a better location for meeting the men folk. ;)

Warning: I'm Cranky

I am bored and cranky right now. I don't want to be at work. The weather sucks and I feel like I should have something more interesting to say but I can't think of anything but that sure won't stop me from rambling on about nothing for a while. I had a cold most of last week and postponed getting my wisdom teeth removed since the thought of sneezing with 3 gaping holes in my mouth made me want to cry. I went home for mothers day weekend and it was great to see my family, even if they are all insane. I was admitted back into the history department earlier this week but I haven't been "formally" admitted yet so I can't register for a summer class. I am tempted to take two classes this summer so I'm that much closer to being done but I only get one free class a semester and it would cost too much to take a second. I really only need 2-3 classes and to finish my "plan B thesis papers," which are mostly finished anyway. Things have been a little weird at home since my roommate started seeing some dude from Denver. I'm not sure I like him. I don't dislike him but he seems kind of like a goon and I don't understand why my roommate likes him since they have very little in common. I guess I'm happy that he's happy, in spite of the fact that I've been hiding out in my room for 3 weeks since they Skype in the middle of the living room for 2+ hours every night and it makes me want to puke. It might be time to look into finding my own place. I hate to move at this point though. Rent is cheap, it's hard (almost impossible) to find a place that accepts pets, and I plan on graduating in December. I seem to always be waiting on something. I often don't even know what it is that I'm waiting for. Some magical thing to fix everything? A new job? A boyfriend? A new town? All of the above? Something else? Who knows. I'm just tired and cranky and bored and lonely and want something. My summer project is me. I plan on working on myself so that I am ready to move on when the times comes. I plan on getting more active, going out, finishing my degree, and saving some money. I need fewer excuses to stay here. Sorry for the whiny post. It's May 12th and it's snowing. I just want spring.

Mission Accomplished

I received news a week ago that Representative Cynthia Lummis was planning on signing on as a cosponsor to the Safe Schools Improvement Act. I almost fell out of my chair. She hadn't officially filed the paperwork yet, so I wasn't allowed to say anything until her name showed up on the list of cosponsors on the LOC Thomas website. Yesterday her name showed up along with 2 others, bringing the total to 112 cosponsors in the House. It should be introduced in the Senate soon and I hope to see Senator Barrasso's name on that list of cosponsors. I'm not sure how much influence my meeting with Rep. Lummis had on her decision to cosponsor, but I'm still proud of my involvement in this.

I've been sick for the last few days. Not very sick, but still sick. I've spent most of the week at home in bed with the dogs watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 2 and finishing Doctor Who Season 4. I should have been getting my wisdom teeth out this very minute but I rescheduled for 2 weeks from now since I can't imagine sneezing with three holes in my mouth. Ouch!

I had my last Spectrum meeting as the adviser this week. There is a new student board in place and a new adviser lined up. I have a lot of mixed feelings about my decision to step down. I think it was the best thing for me and hopefully it's also best for the group. I am sad and feel like it's the end of an era. I was the last person left from "my group." Everyone that was here when I got here and first came out 5 years ago is now gone. One by one all of my friends have left. It's so strange. Of course I've made new friends but it's not quite the same. Ah nostalgia... Even though I'm sad I'm kind of happy and feel liberated. A huge weight is gone and I feel like I can move on. I'm (hopefully) taking a summer class and then another class next fall, maybe two classes in the fall. That should be enough to graduate next December. It will be weird to finally have no excuses to stay here. I've been sending out very select job applications lately. I have actually been sending them too, not just completing them and waiting for the job posting to lapse and then saying "oops, guess it wasn't meant to be." I feel good about the future.