Quote me on that

Ok, it’s been a while since I wrote a proper blog. I have started a few but I’ve either gotten busy and didn’t have time to finish or I just didn’t like the wording or both. So, what’s been going on with me you ask? Well, let me tell you!

First off, sorry about the seemingly manic depressive blogs as of late. “Oh, I’m SOOO happy!” Oh, I’m sooo sad…” To be fair, for the most part, only the best and worst of my life ends up in these blogs so they would naturally seem to be all over the place. Plus, I guess I am sort of all over the place sometimes. I hope I’m a lot more stable than my perception of the impression I give out in this blog. (How is that for a weird statement!?) The tone of this blog is going to change somewhat. In the past I’ve gotten myself into some awkward situations because I over share in my blog and then someone reads it and realizes I’m talking about them. That’s why I moved here – no profile attached. I am also going to quit using my own name and the names of people I know. In the future this blog will be attributed to Oblio. My dog will be known as Arrow and my friends will be referred to either anonymously or by letters. This might cause some confusion… but that’s ok. A little confusion keeps things fresh! Bonus points to anyone that can figure out the Oblio/Arrow reference. Thanks to the friend that made that suggestion!

Arrow has been a good doggy lately. She’s pretty unhappy about the sudden cold snap since that means she doesn’t get to go on as long of walks. She’s just too crazy to be able to walk when it’s icy. I have to make her walk behind me to keep her from jerking on the leash so that I don’t end up breaking my neck on the ice. For some reason there is no middle ground with her. She either has to be tugging on the leash or walking behind me and peaking past my legs in a sort of sad jailed doggy way. She smells like corn chips right now. Not sure why… time for a bath!

Work has been busy. I’m not going to say anything specific about it anymore. My perceived injustices continue but I’ve done very little to actually remedy the situation. I guess the bottom line is that I make enough money to live with just a tiny bit left over each month, so things aren’t so bad. I took the morning off today so that I could get my hair cut and run some errands. While we’re on that topic…

I really only have one skeleton in my closet. I’ve stayed in contact with almost all the guys I’ve ever dated and if I’m not outright friends with them then I’m at least on speaking terms, with one exception. Long time readers have some idea of whom I am talking about since there was a series of fairly immature and passive aggressive blogs written about him a year or so ago. For the most part I had made my peace with him – in my own head. We both made mistakes, we both did a lot of things we shouldn’t have, but some bridges just can’t be rebuilt once you burn them. Last I knew, he was probably still in the next town over doing whatever it is that he does. Then about a month or two ago I decided to randomly look up his myspace profile. I assumed it would be set to private but I wondered if he still had one. I found him easily enough and my heart skipped a beat. It said he lived in my town now. I did a second quick search in the student directory at the university and found him there. So, he had been living in the same town as me going to school for almost a semester and I had no idea. That scared me a little since it meant he was able to find and avoid me but I had no idea he was even around. He’s not the sort of person you would randomly bump into at walmart buying milk and bread so I figured I would just not worry about it. So, back to my story. I was playing hooky today and went to get my hair cut at my regular place. Turns out they were busy and it would be at least 45 minutes. I wasn’t in a hurry today but I did have stuff to get done so I decided to try out this new place. It’s just a slightly newer “cheap cut’s R us haircut barn” type of place but someone at some point had recommended it and told me that the guy that cut his hair there knew me and that they had a nice little chat about me. That was kind of odd since to the best of my knowledge I didn’t know anyone that cuts hair. I went in and it seemed nice and there was no wait so I got my hair cut. It’s a decent cut, nothing great but it will do. I was paying and I casually mentioned that someone told me that I know a guy that works there. Then she spoke the name of my skeleton and I realized I had unknowingly walked into his closet. Not only that, but he had been in that day and was expected back at any minute. I guess it’s good to know where he works and it’s also good I wasn’t that impressed with the hair cut and they don’t sell the specific brand of hair product I use. Not going back there!

As long as we are on the topic of relationships… I am still pretty darn unsure what to do about my Canadian. I leave for California to see him in 11 days. Simply NOT kissing him the second I see him might be my greatest exercise in self restraint to date, not to mention sharing a hotel room with him for three days... I have to protect my heart though and I know if I let myself feel anything at all then it will be over for me and I’ll just end up getting hurt when I realize once again that I can’t have him. *sigh* Why can’t it just be simple? Why can’t you just love someone and have them love you back and have them be single and compatible? Is that really asking so much? For that matter, why do I knowingly walk into situations like this? Dumb.

I’m reminded of a quote from *My Best Friend's Wedding (*Corrected, thanks A!). (I know, pretty lame movie but I like the quotation!) It’s when she’s in a stolen truck chasing her “dream” guy and the guy is chasing someone else and she is on the phone with her gay friend and he asks her “and who is chasing you?” Nobody. I wonder if I just like the chase and that’s why I only go after guys that are in some way unavailable. I know that can’t be true though, I hate the chase and I just want prize at the end. Maybe that’s something I need to work on but I don’t really know how. I’ve also found that when guys pursue me too strongly then I just run away. That’s super logical… I only like guys that I can’t have and I don’t like guys that are actually available and want me. Stupid.

I’ve been sort of ignoring my MA program in the hopes that it would just finish itself and go away and I’ll go home from work one day to find my degree in the mail. Well, that hasn’t happened yet. I swore I would finish before the end of 2008 but I don’t see that happening since I would have to be done by… oh… today since I’m going home and then to California for the last week or two of the year. A friend gave me some great advice the other day in an email. It’s advice I had heard 100 times from 100 people but somehow she was able to find the exact combination of words to make me hear it. “Perfect is pretty, but done is beautiful.” I’ve been hung up on making my thesis perfect when I should be worried about just getting done with it. Well, in January I will pay my fees, fill out the mountain of paperwork, and then just get it done. Who cares if it’s not the next Great American Novel? It doesn’t need to be. It’s just a crappy thesis that will sit on a dusty shelf somewhere and if I’m lucky maybe 2 grad students in the next 20 years will check it out and skim through it. Done is beautiful!

I might not write again before the New Year. If that happens, I want to thank everyone reading this and wish you a fantastic holiday season! I’ll be sort of MIA for a while. I’m sure I’ll have a lot to say once I’m back home from my trips.