Disappointment

So this so called "blizzard" pretty much sucked. North of here is still mostly shut down and my parents were without power for most of the day but we got like an inch or two of snow and now it's just cold and windy. Inconvenient more than anything. I was actually kind of looking forward to a big epic storm that shut down the town. I was stocked up on groceries, candles, batteries, all that junk just in case but in all honesty I just wanted a snow day so I could stay home in my jammies and sip coffee and watch daytime TV all day. Oh well.

In other disappointing news... I think I have to face some facts. I had the strangest break down last night. I was chatting with one of my best friends online and out of the clear blue I asked her if I really wanted to have kids. Sometimes your friends can be more honest with you than you can be with yourself. She simply said; "Yes you do." And then I started to cry. It was the oddest situation... I should back up at this point and mention that on my latest outing with the MS we talked about kids. He hates kids and admits to being too selfish and likes nice things too much to be able to ever want them. I lied to him (and myself) and said that I love kids but don't see any in my future. Which is partially true... I love kids but I have to face the fact that I might not ever have any of my own. But... I don't know if I can go into a relationship knowing it's not even an option. This made me sit down and face another painful fact. I'm not sure if I want to be with the MS or if I want to actually be the MS. It's not really the same thing. He has a lot of qualities that I love but he's missing a few that I need and ultimately he's the sort of person I want to be in ten years. It's all very complicated. I guess I need to just take this one step at a time but I think I already shed my one tear for this almost relationship. Friendship might be best. Once again, I need to figure out what the hell I want and go for it. No more waiting, no more hanging out in limbo, no more dependency on outside forces to magically point me in the right direction. One last thing I will say about the MS... He makes me want to be a better person. After seeing him I always go home and clean a room or a closet or finish a half forgotten project. I don't know what to do with that knowledge... but it's a good thing.