I noticed recently that I’m not always the same person. When I meet someone new I somehow react differently in response to their personality. Dating really emphasizes this. I’ve seen the “Mysterious Stranger” 3 times in the last week or so. The first two coffee dates went pretty well, and then he came to the place I work for a tour yesterday. The coworker that sort of introduced us had set up the tour in advance and it was really her show but we all mutually agreed that I should tag along. Now I wish I hadn’t. Usually a tour of my workplace is a really cool thing for me to do for someone I am interested in dating but this time I felt like a third wheel. The conversation was weighed pretty heavily in favor of things the coworker and Mysterious Stranger had in common – places they had both lived, art museums they had both visited, and other things that I honestly couldn’t chime in on at all. It was actually really uncomfortable for me. The entire time I had this voice in the back of my head screaming at me telling me that I’m being dull and quiet and that I need to tap into that well of charm I keep inside but instead of doing that I felt myself retreating further back into myself. Things might not have been as bad as they seemed to me. He seemed to really enjoy the tour and was probably a little overwhelmed so he might not have noticed how quiet I was being but I imagine he did notice since he seems to notice everything.
On our second “coffee thing” the Mysterious Stranger asked me if I was introverted. I was a little offended that he would even suggest such a thing since I think of myself as a very social person. In the right company I’m very charming and fun. But then I realized that based on what little he knew of me I probably did seem very introverted. I work in a place where most people prefer the company of boxes of papers and conversations are kept short and to the point. Things are a lot better than they were in the past but there used to be entire days where I didn’t speak to a single person. I hated that. I like people. I like chatting. I like being social. But, it seems perfectly logical that the Mysterious Stranger would think of me as introverted. It takes me a while to open up to someone so until that happens I seem very shy and awkward. A lot of times this shy awkward stage takes place online through emails and chat programs so by the time I actually meet someone I am comfortable with them and I can be myself. But the Mysterious Stranger just sort of popped up out of the blue. It’s probably good for me to go through the process of meeting someone fresh like this. Actually, I’m sure it’s good for me since it terrifies me.
I have such an odd dichotomous personality. I will either step up and take total control or I will melt into the background and I rarely fall anywhere in the middle. For example… last night the associated student senate on campus was discussing a bill to offer domestic partner benefits on campus. I didn’t really find out about it until relatively last minute and we planned on sending a couple of students to speak on its behalf. But then literally 15 minutes before the senate met it was suggested that I take the entire GLBT student group I’m the advisor for to the senate. This meant organizing 20-30 students in a matter of minutes and it also meant that someone would have to speak on their behalf. That “someone” had to be me so I gathered my little flock, we migrated down the hall from our own meeting to the senate gallery, we perched in the back and then when they asked if there were any comments from the gallery I had to speak up and do my thing. I was secretly terrified. I’ve spoken in front of crowds much larger but I was always prepared for that. This time I didn’t feel prepared. I suppose I conveyed the information needed but it scared me. Even though it scared me I stepped up and did it but I know if there was someone else there to do it then I would have probably silently stood in the back and said nothing.
“Do one thing every day that scares you.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
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