The Day Shoppers

There is only one place that has the ability to simultaneously frighten, excite, and embarrass me. I’ve been known to actually wear hats and dark glasses when visiting this particular establishment and I often plan my visits for late at night or early on weekend mornings when I’m less likely to encounter too many people. Walmart… *shudder* Living in a small town there are certain things I simply can’t purchase elsewhere so I have to embrace this necessary evil.

I stayed out a bit too late last night with my new gentleman friend (I’m not quite ready to say boyfriend yet) and a new friend that we took out to dinner. The three of us hung out for hours just chatting and drinking wine. It was fantastic hanging out with people a little older than me instead of younger. I had almost forgotten how nice it is to just have an adult conversation. But I digress… I woke up this morning kind of dehydrated and bleary eyed but not overly tired or hung over and decided arbitrarily that I would be taking the morning off to get some chores taken care of. I needed to buy dog food, I needed to clean my kitchen, and I had some hamburger in the fridge that I had been planning on making into a meatloaf before it goes bad. I love that my job is flexible enough that I can randomly wake up and just take the day off for no good reason.

So, I got dressed and made my way across town to the sleeping giant for dog food and various other things. When I’m at big stores I typically refuse to get a cart and usually opt for the hand basket. I sometimes get a combination of claustrophobia and road rage when I have a cart and I get into an aisle and some dumb couple ends up having a fight about what kind of bread they want to buy and unknowingly block the exit to the aisle. That sort of thing really freaks me out for some reason. Actually… about 2 weeks ago I had a mini panic attack while buying toilet paper because a couple was having a fight about what brand they wanted and I ended up just grabbing the nearest 4 pack and left – only to discover I bought single ply sandpaper.

So today… I had a cart since I planned on buying a big ass bag of dog chow. I always feel very white trash buying a huge bag of dog food – in spite of the fact that I buy healthy, "all natural" dog food that costs quite a bit. I got to the dog food aisle and they were out of the big bags of my brand. This happens often and I was instantly pissed. Then I noticed that the smaller 6 pound bags were “on sale” for $10 a bag… The 16 pound bags are $18 so this is not really a good deal and I was further pissed since I imagine they have the big bags in the back but wanted to get rid of the small bags first. I grudgingly put a small bag in the cart since my dog has to eat and I continued my shopping.

I grumpily cruised the aisles tossing things in my cart – I need practically everything so I didn’t bother with a list. Then I found myself in the canned fruit aisle. There was this lady in the aisle wearing a toxic orange outfit with large yellow flowers sewn all over with a matching handbag. She had clearly made this outfit herself and was probably “dressed up” for her little shopping trip. She was examining some canned pineapple and talking out loud to nobody in particular. I got close enough to hear her little tirade and as near as I could tell she was complaining about how “they” have to put everything so darn close together and it makes it so hard for her to find what she needs. It seems she wanted pineapple slices in light syrup and she found it inconvenient that pineapple comes in slices, chunks, and crushed as well as in light and heavy syrup. Somehow in her world people should just know what she wants and eliminate all other options so she doesn’t get confused. After a few minutes of looking and complaining she managed to find what she wanted and then another lady walked past and said “they get you coming and going” to the toxic orange lady. Toxic Orange seemed to appreciate this and agreed. I had to wonder what sort of world these women lived in where canned pineapple options somehow led to their being taken advantage of. I imagine these were the same people that voted for Sarah Palin.

I continued my little shopping trip and for some reason found myself buying hotdogs simply because they were on sale, various types of fresh produce simply because they were there, and then a Mountain Dew since I hadn’t had one in months or perhaps even years. I got in line to check out and surveyed the contents of my cart and realized I hadn’t really purchased anything very useful… I had $60ish worth of dog food, condiments, raw veggies, and junk food. Fantastic… The realization that I would have to go grocery shopping again within a week somehow weakened my resolve and I bought a Shamwow. I sort of hate myself right now.