So I already complained about being preemptively dumped by the same guy twice. A few notes on that: I think the phone call on Friday came out of his feeling guilty about seeing other people and he wouldn't feel guilty if he didn't like and care about me. I did expect him to date. But I'm still confused about what he wants from me. I backed off SIGNIFICANTLY after the first time he broke up with me. We agreed to still hang out and be friends, which I thought we had. Bottom line, boys are fucking stupid.
I woke up Saturday morning with red puffy eyes, a slight hang over, pissed about wasting my tears on someone that no longer deserves them, and I had a song stuck in my head... "if you need water, I'll be your river..." I had the entire song stuck in my head but I couldn't place it. Where had I heard this song and how do I know it. Turns out it was by Cyndi Lauper. I heard it on a cd I recently bought but didn't realize I was even paying attention to that song. It's beautiful and I love Cyndi Lauper for it.
You like the flame and you are drawn by desire
Watching and waiting in line for your turn
I've learned to walk with my back to the fire
I like the heat but I don't want to get burned
And if you need water
I'll Be A River
Like a wave I will come over you
You need someone to fall into
I'll Be A River
And my love will carry you through
Here stands a fortress built with great walls of silence
Ready to crumble at the slightest word
Finding the right one is becoming a science
I'd like to scream but I ain't gonna be heard
And if you need water
I'll Be A River
Like a wave I will come over you
You need someone to fall into
I'll Be A River
And my love will carry you through
I decided that I was not going to mope around feeling sorry for myself. After all, nothing had actually changed. We weren't dating to begin with so being broken up with should have no affect. Mostly it was just my feelers that were hurt. Am I really so unlovable that I have to be preemtively dumped once a month just to make sure I don't get any ideas? But these were the thoughts I decided I didn't want to have. So I got out of bed and started emptying out my room to paint it. By 10:30 I had everything out and was ready to start painting the ceiling. 20 minutes later I somehow managed to dump the gallon of white paint - on my roommates dog. This obviously scared her so she took off running through the house. My dog came to investigate and walked through the paint. I eventually tackled the paint covered little dog in the kitchen and grabbed my own dog by the collar, just as my roommate came upstairs. There was paint EVERYWHERE. I took the dogs down to the basement and we got in the shower fully dressed. I got the dogs clean and then went up to help my roommate with the paint disaster all over the hard wood floors. I managed to miss the tarp entirely since I think I was moving it when the paint fell. About an hour and a half later... we had 96% of the paint off the floor, sore knees, and I had a blister on my thumb.
I managed to get one coat of paint on my room and then my roommate told me he was having company over for dinner. Ok... the timing was bad but I vaguely remembered him saying something about this earlier in the week. The company showed up and turned out to be some dude he met online from Denver that just happened to be passing through. I asked several times if he wanted me to find somewhere else to be (even though I was covered in paint and didn't really want to spend the evening doing anything other than taking a hot bath). He assured me that I should stay and that he only planned on having dinner with this dude. I was still uncomfortable but didn't argue. I had dinner with them - still covered in paint and made small talk with who I will now call "random dude #4." We finished eating and I went to the living room to start putting a few things away so we could actually sit on the furniture since the contents of my room was all over the place. I decided to answer an email and my roommate asked if I wanted some cheesecake. Hell yes I want cheesecake! I finished up my email and I heard kissing noises coming from the living room. Shit... so I casually walked past to get a drink of water and saw that they were making out. Well, so much for cheesecake. I went back to my room and wondered if I should leave but once again... I was covered in paint, wanted a bath, and didn't really have anywhere to go. Some time passed and then my roommate got into the shower. Shit... what does THAT mean?! Then they both disappeared into my roommate's bedroom and I was officially traumatized. The silver lining (I thought) was that the cheesecake was now free to be eaten except it seems when they followed their penises into the bedroom they left the cheesecake behind and my opportunist dog took care of it for them. So, to recap... my roommate is banging some random dude 12 feet from my room, my dog is hyped up on 4 slices of chocolate cheesecake, and I'm covered in paint. I wanted a bath since "random dude #4" showed up and I decided at this moment that it would no longer be rude if I took one. So I shut the door to my cracked out dog and took a bath. My dog barked and whined the entire time I was in there - but at my roommate's door, not the bathroom door. Traitor. I got out and discovered that while I was relaxing in the tub that both dogs had somehow gotten into the trash (I'm assuming because my roommate didn't latch it). My shirtless post coital roommate came to my room to ask if any trash got left in there after the dogs got into it. I growled something about how she had also eaten the cheesecake and he retreated to his room for some pillow talk - which I could hear since he left his door open. At 11 I made a big production out of shutting off lights and locking doors and going to bed. An hour later I heard "random dude #4" leave.
Sunday I woke up just as angry as I was the morning before. I avoided my roommate and left for church without saying anything to him. We had our Open and Affirming celebration and a vigil for GLBT youth that have been bullied and/ or committed suicide. It was rough to get through but I managed. I got home around noon and wasn't done being angry with my slutty roommate yet. Luckily I had a lunch invite from a friend so I left to have an omelet. I eventually made it home and my roommate asked if I was angry that he brought a guy home. I explained that I wasn't angry about that... I was however angry that he proceeded to have sex while I was there after I had offered to give him the house for the evening. He explained that he didn't think it was a big deal since if he was comfortable having me in the house when he had sex then it shouldn't bother me. I explained that it doesn't really work like that...
I don't remember if I mentioned in the last blog that Friday night he came home and let me cry on his shoulder and gave me a big hug and I felt like we were friends again. Then he was really cool during the entire paint fiasco and we bonded over that too. I think he felt bad about everything but I guess in his defense the penis can sometimes take over and there is nothing anyone can do about it.
I spent the rest of Sunday putting a second coat of paint on my room, then moved my furniture out of storage and into my room. My room looks amazing by the way. I feel so much less homeless and it's a good feeling to know that I'm just a couple of car loads away from not having to pay my storage unit anymore. I also gave away my couch to a foreign exchange student. I am glad it's gone and being put to use!
My roommate made fish and chips and poured me a gin and tonic "to celebrate surviving the weekend of horror." We hashed everything out over dinner and things are good between us again. He's sorry he's a whore. I'm sorry I'm moody and emotional.
Last weekend can kiss my ass. I feel like I need another one to recover and relax. Also... "the boy" can kiss my ass. He's an idiot. Why would you break up with someone you weren't dating to begin with? I think he just felt guilty and wanted me to absolve him of that guilt. By doing so it just made me feel worse. Fuck him. He doesn't deserve me and if he wants this to work then he's going to have to figure out how to be my friend.
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