The Gays of My Life

Before getting into my lame junior high girl drama I'm going to give a quick update on my life recently.

~ I officially quit advising the GLBT student group last week. I had half way quit months ago but stuck around. It was becoming more trouble than anything else with all the drama and university bullshit so I said a fond farewell and walked out on Friday. After over 5 years of of blood, sweat and tears, my departure was met with a yawn. That kind of hurt.

~ My exhibit at work is 2/3 up and looking good. The rest will go up later in the week.

~ Work in general has been a little dramatic and weird lately. I feel a little like I've outgrown my job but I don't want the next size up and they aren't offering it anyway.

~ Things at home have been a little awkward lately. My roommate seems to be in heat or something. He talks about nothing but sex and seems to have had some sort of a three way while I was at church. Classy.

~ Class is going ok. I just want to be done. The last class I need "might" be offered in May and I was supposed to hear back a week ago but haven't yet.

~ For the first time, I feel like I've overstayed my welcome - at work, at home, in school, in the clubs and organizations I'm a part of. I need to start fresh, but I'm not sure where or how.

And now on to my lame junior high bullshit...

I had a weird week last week as far as imaginary relationships go. (And all of my relationships ARE imaginary.) My most recent crush seems to be pushing me even further into the friend zone. I've noticed that he doesn't contact me independently. He only replies when I contact him... so I guess that's even on the edge of the friend zone. That is dangerously close to "annoying friend I tolerate zone" and I refuse to live in that neighborhood. Maybe I'm imagining things. I know he's insanely busy. A relationship is certainly off the table though... which sucks since in spite of myself I still have a crush on him. I should have known it was bullshit when we both said that we didn't want anything to change since sure enough... everything changed.

To complicate things further... I wrote to my Canadian author friend. We write to each other more or less every day, sort of pen pall style. Of course I mention things going on (or not going on) with the current crush when I write to him. Last week I wrote to say something about the crush and I got a slightly unexpected reply saying that he felt like they were in competition for me and that when he pictures his life in the future it's with me. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I do love him but he's in Canada and I'm not sure I can say that I'm "in love" with him and there is a difference. And since he's a writer, it was a beautiful letter and I melted but that still doesn't translate to anything realistic. There might be too much water under that bridge to be able to cross it again. He kind of hurt me when he picked someone practical over me, which is what I was trying to do recently and why he said something. I still just don't know what to do with that information. I guess wait until May and Spain and see what happens?

About two days later the guy I like to refer to as "the rabbi" in my blog popped back up, after over a year of no contact. He's now in NYC going to grad school and wants to teach religious studies rather than be a rabbi. Ok... so that's all well and good... he's still cute, he's still available, he's no longer going to be a rabbi, which was going to be an issue... but he's still needy and clingy and moving too fast for his own good. I want his friendship, nothing more. That's all I've ever wanted but he keeps getting hurt and I hate hurting people. I feel like I'm doing the same thing to him that my recent crush is doing to me - leaving him on the line. I should just tell him that I'm not interested in a relationship and let him move on, if he wants to be friends that's up to him. I know it hurts to be left in the no man's land of not knowing how someone feels and if they should feel hopeful or not.

Why is it that life tends to give you everything you want but in the most complicated ways possible. I have a cute sweet nearly perfect guy 6 blocks from my house, that doesn't want me. I have a cute sweet nearly perfect guy in Canada that does want me but lives a bazillion miles away and I'm not sure I can get over my own hurt from 2 years ago to let him back in. And I have a cute guy that desperately wants me but doesn't even know me in New York. I should feel flattered by the last two but it somehow just makes me angry.