The Bitch is Back!

I'm not sure why I used that title. I just thought it was fun. I'm not really a bitch and I didn't really go anywhere. Maybe I was starting to slip away. Why do I give myself away so easily? It's insane... 5 or 6 weeks of hanging out with a guy I like and I'm already starting to alter my decision process to suit his imagined needs and wants at some unspecified future point. But, at least I realized it and stopped. Well... I guess to be fair... he realized it and stopped it. I would still be an emotional 13 year old girl longing away for an imagined relationship while a real one slips by if it weren't for him. That's not to say that he's out of the picture. We are still hanging out very often. It's just the pressure has been removed by taking "dating" off the table for the time being. I enjoy his company, he enjoys mine, and we are getting to know each other. I'm happy with that.

I had a busy weekend! Friday night I drank too much wine again. But I enjoyed the company. Saturday morning I felt like crap but had to get up and go to a funeral. A prof I met a couple of times but didn't really know all that well died in a car accident. It was a catholic funeral so it was a little bit painful and not just because of the hang over. After that I sort of slugged around the house... I don't really remember what I did actually. I watched half of a football game and pretended to study and then went home for a bbq with my roommate and his friends. After that I made myself scarce since they were having a "think tank" in the living room. As far as I can tell it's an intellectual circle jerk where they think deep thoughts and feel good about how brilliant they are. From what I overheard it was mostly about masturbation, farting, and drinking. All I wanted was to go to sleep but couldn't since my room is next to the living room and they were being pretty loud until at least 2:00. Sunday I got my butt out of bed after not nearly enough sleep and went to church. I love my pastor, btw. He gave a great sermon about the similarities between all religions. After that I had a couple of meetings then a GLSEN planning meeting. About 20 people showed up! I was a little overwhelmed. A lot were just there to support me, but that's wonderful. I felt really thankful when 1/3 of the people in the room said they were there for me. I have amazing friends. I'm so excited about starting a GLSEN chapter!!! After that I went home for a nap and failed. The dogs were being insane and a certain Czech seemed to be running laps around the house with a plastic bag. (Or at least that's what it sounded like.) I eventually gave up and went to a yoga class. My arms hurt! It was good to get some exercise. I need to keep going. Then I finally got to bed early!

Today is Monday. I don't have much going on today. Just trying to get my exhibit finished and put up, which is proving to be a lot like herding cats... sheesh...

Peace out y'all! ;-)

Ya Know What... I'm OK

Why does a new relationship or a failed relationship make you feel like an emotional 13 year old girl? Seriously? I was perfectly fine being single two months ago. I actually thought I made peace with that aspect of my life and had actually stopped actively looking. True story: Sometime last spring I sat down and made this mental check list of qualities a guy would have to have in order for me to want to date him. It included the basics like sense of humor, intelligence, and a list of specific physical traits since let's be honest... we are all attracted to certain things and not attracted to other things. That list also included a physical location - "within walking distance of my house." The first list eliminated like 97% of the human population and that last one eliminated roughly 99.9999999% of all people. But that was my list and I was going to stick to it. In a way it was me closing that book and saying "you know what, it's ok to be single and just work on yourself for a while." And I did. In just a few months I went back to grad school, started a program in historic preservation that I love, made new friends, started socializing again, and got passionate about starting a GLSEN chapter. And then out of the blue someone that actually met all of my requirements showed up. That wasn't supposed to happen. I think my mistake was when I started over thinking the situation. Instead of thinking "hey, what a fun new friend!!" I thought "hey, you will be my next boyfriend." That's a little creepy. So... after about 5 or 6 weeks of "seeing" each other and not being sure if we were going on dates or hanging out or what, I have been decisively placed in the "friend zone." And that's ok. That actually keeps my crazies in check and I can go back to working on myself and being selfish and making choices just for myself. Who knows what the future holds.

So, I guess it's reassuring that there are actually guys out there that can meet my insane standards. I kind of feel like I should be a little angry that I was proven wrong and that I might not have to become a cranky old spinster with a collection of house cats that will eventually eat me in my sleep. It's a little tragic that the first guy to meet those standards is unavailable... but nothing lasts forever and if there is one, there is bound to eventually be a second.

So... back to me. I'm doing just fine. Classes are going well. My life is good and not in any way less full than it was a week ago. The best thing I can do is to live my life well.

To let loose,
To let free,
To breath in,
To breath out,
Peace out.

Wrong Way

In the last blog I wondered about the transition from "seeing" to "dating" and failed to take into account "hanging out." I suppose if you were to chart that it would look something like this:
Hanging out -----> Seeing ------> Dating ------> Relationship
I thought we were floating somewhere in the middle, and somehow we got tossed back to "hanging out." Sometimes being open isn't a good thing since once you say the words they exist and have influence.

Sorry to be mysterious... I'm trying to do the opposite, if I don't use the words then it might not be true. Nothing bad really happened, I'm no worse off, I haven't lost anything. I'm probably just being impatient. It doesn't help that I'm getting wildly varying mixed signals.

To let loose,
To let free,
To breath in,
To breath out.

Peace out.

Busy But Happy

Where to start... I've had a lot going on lately but all good things! Classes have started again. They won't offer the one and only class I need to graduate so I'm officially jumping ship to a new department. It adds a lot of time to my degree... but it at least gives me a way out and I'll get to take classes that I actually enjoy. It's not ideal but it's at least a little forward momentum. Plus I really love the class I'm taking and I'm not paying for it... so those are good things!

I was busy this weekend doing odds and ends around the house. I painted some dresser drawers, did some laundry, took Miss Doggy for a walk... and thought about doing homework. But... I have another full day to finish my reading. ;) I seem to have started jogging again. It's been over 5 years... so maybe it's more accurate to say that I "started jogging." It feels good though. My legs and lungs are kind of angry with me but they will thank me later. I'm thinking about going back to yoga too. I loved it but didn't like going alone. A couple friends offered to go with me so that should be nice.

I am still seeing my "fill in the blank." We have been "seeing" each other for a month but I'm not sure when that transitions into "dating." I guess it doesn't matter. We are happy and comfortable with each other. We had the best evening on Friday. So simple, so comfortable, just drinks, friends, dinner and the farmers market (not really in that order). At the end of the night we took Safe Ride home. Oddly enough... that is where he gained like 800 sexy points for not even attempting to drive me home. Apparently responsibility is sexy? Now I just have to be careful to not over think everything and freak myself out.

It's been a great summer and the fall seems to hold a lot of promise.

This is just a sexy sweet video from some German Soap Opera.

Good Omens

I'm a little sad that the summer is coming to an end but I'm also a little bit excited to start fall classes and have the students come back. Actually, I'm very excited about those things... it's just the eventual coming of winter that I'm dreading. It was cold out when I went to work this morning. If Fall is knocking on the door, I'm not answering.

Nobody is at work this week. Classes are out, students haven't quite returned, and there is a big conference going on. So things have been even more quiet than normal. I was walking to the library a couple days ago to return some books and was walking past the cemetery. I should pause in this story to explain that my master's thesis started in this cemetery and that thesis basically pulled my academic career out of the toilet. Long story short, there are two women with a common grave stone that were very influential in the early history of the university. I've found that I'm only able to find their grave sometimes though. That seems odd since it doesn't move and I know where it's at but for whatever reason I can only find it when things are going right in my life. I've spent hours walking up and down the rows looking for it and eventually just giving up and leaving. This last time as I was walking past I decided to go in and I walked right to it. I cleaned up a bit while I was there - removed some sticks, picked up a piece of trash, and brushed some pine needles off of one of the headstones. It felt good to be there. I know it's weird but I find the cemetery very centering and calming. I was only there for a minute or two then continued on the the library, where I checked out a few books so I could sit down and finish the last little bits of my thesis. That felt good too.

Other odds and ends:
~ I just placed an order on Amazon for my text books. Did you know students get a free year of Amazon Prime? Free 2 day shipping? Yes please!
~ Pandora keeps playing 80's rock ballads this morning and that makes me happy.
~ I'm going dancing this weekend!
~ It's Friday the 13th.
~ I'm leaving early to go to the farmers market.
~ I have a date on Sunday!!!
~ Speaking of Sunday... I was the substitute pretend pastor last week at church. It was a little surreal. I think in a good way though.
~ I went car shopping with a friend earlier this week. It was kinda fun but I'm super thankful that my family has a permanent standing deal with a fun salesman that totally hooks us up!
~ I might be over my desire to buy a Chevy Silverado now. ;-)
~ Did I mention that I have a date on Sunday?! I know I did... but I'm excited about it. No idea what we are doing. I don't really care.

Ok, I have arbitrarily decided to go find a breakfast burrito. Peace out!

Things are... Good!

I attempted to register for fall classes yesterday. "Attempted" is the operative word since I still haven't and probably won't until after the 18th. (School starts on the 23rd.) Nobody has heard from my advisor in nearly 4 weeks, which I guess makes me feel better that he's not just singling me out to be ignored but at the same time makes it difficult to register. I spoke to the department chair, who didn't even put his newspaper away to speak to me, and he caused yet one more panic attack. 1) The class I need might not be offered ever again, he didn't know. (The CHAIR of the department didn't know!) 2) The graduate committee had some "concerns" about letting me back into the program and therefore he thought it best that I only take "established courses within the history department." 3) That degree I had been eyeing in historic preservation will have to wait. 4) Independent studies are out of the question until I "prove my ability" to the department. I left with no answers, just more hurdles. Today I sat down and wrote a fairly nasty email to the head the graduate committee, that I now feel badly about since he actually made everything all better. So... I'm still not registered for classes but if things go well (and I finally have reason to hope that they might) I could be done by December and still well on my way to a second degree in historic preservation. *whew*

In other news, I've seen the mysterious man that seems to have captivated at least a small portion of my heart at least 4 times in the last week. That seems like a lot but it didn't feel like a lot. I kind of wanted more even, which weirds me out since I haven't enjoyed dating in a very very long time. It also makes me feel better that he's been asking me out so I don't have to feel needy. Actually, the dates have been pretty organic and just sort of happened. Our first date was last thursday (the 29th) and we had appetizers and beer at Front Street down town. The second was brunch followed by walking our dogs in the park. The third was "coffee" which turned out to be beer and hot wings at Lovejoys. The fourth (today) was iced coffee. He is leaving in the morning for a trip to see his family and he wanted to see me before he left. Aww... right? :-) The only hang up so far is actually probably a blessing in disguise. He was recently dumped by his live-in boyfriend and he's still recovering and wants to take things at a "glacial pace." <- His words, not mine. After the third date he was getting out of my car and I insisted on a hug since I got that he wasn't ready for a kiss. I really wanted to kiss him but I figured a hug was better than nothing. After I got home he texted to say that he really wanted to kiss me but wanted to take things at a glacial pace and hoped that I understood. I replied to say that I understand, and I do. Slow and steady is good. Course there is something to be said for a good kiss too. ;-) He'll be back in a 10ish days and we will go from there.

I'm surprising myself left and right with this guy. I've not pushed, I've been honest and open, and I actually like spending time with him. Those shouldn't be oddities, but lately they are for me. I truly believe that you change to become a different version of yourself when you are around others so you have to be very careful about the company you keep or you could end up not liking who you are. I like myself with him.

To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.

I haz a happy

What a great weekend! Actually, it's been a pretty great summer so far in general. Lots of traveling around (even if I haven't left the state), learning a lot, back in grad school, making new friends, seeing old friends, and most importantly just making peace with myself and learning to be happy in Laramie. I attended my first gay wedding this weekend. My fairy godmother married his sweetie. It was a beautiful ceremony - short, sweet, well written, just nice! I had a random acquaintance tag along with me, which was mildly awkward since I wasn't sure if he thought it was a date or what. This was a guy that I've known for like 2-3 years, maybe longer. We randomly see each other at social things and dance and then that would be it. We've had plans to have coffee for like 2 years and he texted me Saturday morning to say he was coming to town and asked what I was doing. I said I had a wedding to go to and said he could be my +1, thinking he would decline. Instead, he showed up at my house and we went together. He wandered off at some point... I guess I should feel bad for not being very attentive but I didn't want it to be a date and there were SO many people at the wedding that I hadn't seen in forever. I don't feel bad. I had fun and ultimately he was the one that just wandered off without saying goodbye. The wedding had not just one but two receptions that lasted well into the night (even though I ran out of steam at about 11:30). I figured I would see a few old friends at the wedding but I didn't anticipate seeing so many friends or making a new friend of someone I was fairly unsure of recently. At any rate, I had a lot of fun, I danced, I drank too much, and I saw some old friends that I have missed a lot.

In other news... I had a second date yesterday. I don't want to say much since I don't want to jinx anything or jump the gun or anything like that. But... I'm excited about this one. If nothing else, going out with him has proven that I'm not actually dead inside. The last few dates I've been on before this, I remember just sitting there making small talk and being resentful that I could be at home by myself watching a movie or reading or walking in the park with my dog and it's never a good sign if you would rather be alone than with the person you are on a date with. Our first date lasted almost three hours and just flew by. The second was brunch followed by a walk in the park with our dogs. How cute is that?! ;-) I don't even remember the last time I liked someone that was actually obtainable. Maybe never? Anyway... we'll see what happens.

I already posted this video on facebook but I want to post it again since I really like it and it seems really appropriate for my life right now. (Thanks Jake!)



I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet