The Path of Least Resistance Is Catching Up With Me Again Today

Again Today - Brandi Carlile

Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones
It's words that hurt the most now isn't it
Are you sad inside, are you home alone
If I could just pick up the phone
Maybe you could see a better day
And you won't waste away
under my watchful eye
Because I'm your hero and you're my weakness

Who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

I'm broken down, not good enough
The broken promises add up
To twice their weight in tears which I have caused

I'm afraid to sink, I'm afraid to swim
I'm sad to say I miss my friends
I know that I'm supposed to step away

But they need me to stay and keep a watchful eye
On all my heroes and all their demons

But who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again
Not today
Not today

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones again today
I'm broken down
Not good enough
The broken promises add up again today

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
Again today

I love Brandi Carlile. This is the last song off of The Story. It's a song I had heard many times but never really listened to until recently. It's funny how sometimes you hear the things you need to hear at exactly the right time. So much of this song seems to apply to my life recently. I should preface the following whiney rant with the fact that I AM mostly happy but I feel like I'm taking a back seat in my own life and letting everyone else call the shots. I'm not really happy with what I have but I'm not willing to do anything about it. Things aren't bad "enough" yet. Sure I hate my job but it is a job. Sure I'm bored and lonely but it could be worse. I'm not especially happy with my situation but I have no way of knowing a new one would be better. To make matters worse I seem to avoid situations that could potentially improve my life. I had big plans for this "seize the day" summer where I live in the present and take chances and have fun. It's only early June but I haven't taken this advice yet. I'm pushing people away. I'm declining dates with guys that seem to be interested, are cute, and are completely respectable. I'm not making any attempt to make new friends to replace the ones that have left. I find myself in a situation once again where I'm the last one standing. Nobody is left. I find myself putting together job applications and then not sending them. There seems to be a theme here... fear of rejection. Is that true? If so, where did this come from? I'm not a fan. Well, not today. Time to start staring in my own life. If I'm bored it's because I'm boring and need to do something about it. Summer of Me, here I come!

Dear Universe: What Do You Want From Me?!

I've been trying to get back into grad school for over a year. The first set back was when the university arbitrarily dissolved the "grad school" completely. This meant that each department with a grad program had to pick up the slack of admitting and advising graduate students and nobody really knew what that meant or how to go about doing it. To complicate matters I was reapplying after being expelled. For the record, I shouldn't have ever been expelled. My advisor's parting gift to me was to rain 3 arbitrary F's onto my transcript in a childish and uncalled for attempt to ruin my academic career forever. Even though the F's made no sense, it still took me the better part of 2 years to contest and remove them. Two were for classes he wasn't even teaching. He went so far as to open a second section of the same class, just to give me another F. It was insane and I really wish I knew what I did to piss him off so much. Once I had my GPA back to a reasonable place I still had to go through the steps of being readmitted in spite of the fact that I shouldn't have ever been taken out of the program to begin with. Luckily, the department felt bad about things and has been "trying" to speed things along. Unfortunately, that has just led to complications and mistakes and has ultimately tripled the amount of time I should take. I've now been readmitted 3 times but I'm still not actually able to register for a class. For the first attempt I worked though the admissions office (seems logical) and they sent me to academic and career counseling, who then sent me on a scavenger hunt through 4 other departments to gain signatures. I was finally provisionally readmitted as a "non degree seeking undeclared graduate student" and told I could take 3 credits over the summer. If I did well in my summer class I could apply to be a "degree seeking declared graduate student." Neat. That sucks... but whatever. A week later I got a phone call from admissions telling me that I had done everything "wrong" and that I was not actually readmitted. Ne elaboration as to what "wrong" meant... just that the path I had taken was for undergrads and someone in the 5 offices I went to (including theirs) should have stopped me. Neat. That sucks more. It was at this point that I decided to abandon my old program entirely and start over in a new program. I went through a series of meetings with the American Studies department and figure out that about 12 credits would transfer, leaving me with 18 to take... so *doing the math* that would take a year and a half to two years to finish if I took one or two classes a semester. Ok, that sucks since I have 36 credits that apply to my history program. At that point, I decided to just suck it up and beg to be let back into the history department. The prof that had torpedoed me to start with was gone so I didn't have to worry about him at least. I set up some meetings and sent a bunch of emails and the process of being readmitted was actually a lot easier than I anticipated. I just had to submit a form to the graduate advisor with a couple very short essays and that was it. I submitted everything they asked for within a day and they rushed it through before people left for the summer and I got a letter saying I was back in! Neat! Attached to the acceptance letter was a form saying that I had to accept their acceptance and to check the appropriate box, sign it, and return it to the history office. No problem. I checked the box saying that I did in fact want to be back in the program, signed it, and personally walked it to the department to personally hand it in. No problem. Almost three weeks passed and I still hadn't received a letter from Admissions (who does NOT actually admit, by the way) and nothing had changed online to allow me to register. I called Admissions and they hadn't gotten my paperwork. I called history and they hadn't seen my final form (the one I personally handed in so it WOULDN'T get lost). The next day I went to the history department to sign a second one and the office guy left immediately to personally hand it to the admissions people. But before leaving he gave me yet a third acceptance letter that was clearly not worth the stationary it was printed on. Another week passed and still nothing had changed so I went to Admissions to ask what was going on. It seems they sent back my form because the chair of the history department hadn't signed it. Fan-freaking-tastic! And they used campus mail so it hadn't managed to meander back to the history department yet. That was yesterday. I'm supposed to call the history department this afternoon to make sure they got my form back and to remind them to return it as soon as possible. Frick! This should have taken a week but I've been getting the run around for a year, seriously, a YEAR! So, universe... are you trying to tell me I shouldn't have an MA in history? What is your problem with my having this degree? I just need like 2 classes and to polish my thesis. No big deal. Can't I have this? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?!?!

Out of the Blue

Isn't it strange how something can trigger a memory you weren't really even aware of? I saw some old friends from college at walmart yesterday. Not recent university friends but friends from 8-9 years ago from my days in junior college. I see them every now and then, usually at walmart and we engage in some pleasant small talk. But this time they made me think of someone else. I didn't come out until I was about 24 but I now remember having a distinct crush on a guy in college when I was about 20. He was roommates with one of the people I saw yesterday and I hadn't really thought about him in years. I have such intense memories of being attracted to him. It's so odd. How on earth did I dismiss or not recognize those feelings way back then. We were kind of friends, not close but we chatted every now and then and lived in the same small dorm. I distinctly remember going on trip (oddly enough to walmart) with him at one point in college. He bought bananas and protein mix to make smoothies. I was so attracted to him and remember thinking about him after I got back to my dorm room. I wonder if I avoided him after that and stopped thinking about him. It's so strange, I can practically recall how he smelled and the sound of his voice but I haven't thought about him in at least 6 years, maybe longer. My internet stalking didn't turn anything up. I guess he can join the ranks with my Arizona crush that I never admitted I had a crush on and now can't locate either. I assume they were both straight. I honestly don't know.

Last night I spent over an hour "window shopping" through all of the gay guys within 100 miles and wasn't interested in a single one of them. I think there is a connection here... both of my former crushes that I've mentioned in here were real people in my life that I knew. Real people that in the real world I should have gotten to know better, determined if they were interested, and then either moved on with my life or asked out on a date. This was the missing step. Had I known with 100% certainty that they were straight I would have thought "oh well" and that would have been the end. Instead I had months or years of longing and wondering that made them seem more desirable. But even if they were both straight they had an advantage over every one of the online profile guys I looked at last night. They were real, in person, local, actual guys. I can't deal with meeting one more guy online and then commuting for dates. I hate that. Maybe I'm getting lazy, but I just don't want to drive for an hour or two just to make small talk over coffee or a plate of pasta. That leaves me with only the local options, which seem to be nonexistent. And now I'm back to my original plan - work on me and get the hell out of here so I can move to a better location for meeting the men folk. ;)

Warning: I'm Cranky

I am bored and cranky right now. I don't want to be at work. The weather sucks and I feel like I should have something more interesting to say but I can't think of anything but that sure won't stop me from rambling on about nothing for a while. I had a cold most of last week and postponed getting my wisdom teeth removed since the thought of sneezing with 3 gaping holes in my mouth made me want to cry. I went home for mothers day weekend and it was great to see my family, even if they are all insane. I was admitted back into the history department earlier this week but I haven't been "formally" admitted yet so I can't register for a summer class. I am tempted to take two classes this summer so I'm that much closer to being done but I only get one free class a semester and it would cost too much to take a second. I really only need 2-3 classes and to finish my "plan B thesis papers," which are mostly finished anyway. Things have been a little weird at home since my roommate started seeing some dude from Denver. I'm not sure I like him. I don't dislike him but he seems kind of like a goon and I don't understand why my roommate likes him since they have very little in common. I guess I'm happy that he's happy, in spite of the fact that I've been hiding out in my room for 3 weeks since they Skype in the middle of the living room for 2+ hours every night and it makes me want to puke. It might be time to look into finding my own place. I hate to move at this point though. Rent is cheap, it's hard (almost impossible) to find a place that accepts pets, and I plan on graduating in December. I seem to always be waiting on something. I often don't even know what it is that I'm waiting for. Some magical thing to fix everything? A new job? A boyfriend? A new town? All of the above? Something else? Who knows. I'm just tired and cranky and bored and lonely and want something. My summer project is me. I plan on working on myself so that I am ready to move on when the times comes. I plan on getting more active, going out, finishing my degree, and saving some money. I need fewer excuses to stay here. Sorry for the whiny post. It's May 12th and it's snowing. I just want spring.

Mission Accomplished

I received news a week ago that Representative Cynthia Lummis was planning on signing on as a cosponsor to the Safe Schools Improvement Act. I almost fell out of my chair. She hadn't officially filed the paperwork yet, so I wasn't allowed to say anything until her name showed up on the list of cosponsors on the LOC Thomas website. Yesterday her name showed up along with 2 others, bringing the total to 112 cosponsors in the House. It should be introduced in the Senate soon and I hope to see Senator Barrasso's name on that list of cosponsors. I'm not sure how much influence my meeting with Rep. Lummis had on her decision to cosponsor, but I'm still proud of my involvement in this.

I've been sick for the last few days. Not very sick, but still sick. I've spent most of the week at home in bed with the dogs watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 2 and finishing Doctor Who Season 4. I should have been getting my wisdom teeth out this very minute but I rescheduled for 2 weeks from now since I can't imagine sneezing with three holes in my mouth. Ouch!

I had my last Spectrum meeting as the adviser this week. There is a new student board in place and a new adviser lined up. I have a lot of mixed feelings about my decision to step down. I think it was the best thing for me and hopefully it's also best for the group. I am sad and feel like it's the end of an era. I was the last person left from "my group." Everyone that was here when I got here and first came out 5 years ago is now gone. One by one all of my friends have left. It's so strange. Of course I've made new friends but it's not quite the same. Ah nostalgia... Even though I'm sad I'm kind of happy and feel liberated. A huge weight is gone and I feel like I can move on. I'm (hopefully) taking a summer class and then another class next fall, maybe two classes in the fall. That should be enough to graduate next December. It will be weird to finally have no excuses to stay here. I've been sending out very select job applications lately. I have actually been sending them too, not just completing them and waiting for the job posting to lapse and then saying "oops, guess it wasn't meant to be." I feel good about the future.

And then...

Repeat: "It's not always about you. It's not always about you. It's not always about you." When did I become so self centered? (I ask myself in a blog entirely about me.) Canadian author has come and gone. It was nice to see him but I now feel slightly guilty about not seeing the actual reason for his visit. I assumed he was coming just to see me and that our unrequited relationship would get a jump start and I would be all aflutter with love and melancholy by the time he left. Really what did I expect? To have some sort of international love affair? I refuse to be the junior high girl with the imaginary boyfriend that lives in Canada. But, none of that matters anyway. That wasn't the point of this trip. It was not about me, even if I didn't realize it until he left. Things were weird from the start. He was friendly but not in the way I expected. He seemed broken somehow, just not together, and he didn't want to go anywhere or do anything but stay home and grade papers, watch tv, and sleep. This was baffling to me until I was home from returning him to the airport and I was with my roommate walking the dogs. In one simple moment of clarity my roommate pointed out that he is recently single after a long relationship and that is a dark and lonely place to be. He simply needed distance from his life and to spend time with a friend. How did I not see that?! Now I feel like I should have been less distant and guarded and should have been more comforting. Mending a friend's broken heart is something I'm good at, playing hard to get with someone that can't have me is not something I'm good at.

In an odd way I feel liberated. For two years I placed this guy on such a high pedestal that he was unreachable. Some part of my heart saw him as the unobtainable perfect partner. The pedestal is gone and my heart is returned. For almost two years he was the benchmark that I measured all others against. But I now realize that I created a fantasy persona for him. He was imaginary and it's impossible for a real person to compete with an imaginary person.

So now I'm struggling with a few things. I feel like I've lost something but it never existed to begin with. I feel like I've gained a friend that is real rather than a fantasy pen pal in another country. I feel like I'm ready to move on. I feel like I'm ready for reality. I feel like I might have a date with a certain legislator sometime in the very near future, possibly even tonight. Time will tell. I'm excited for the spring.

Update

Oh Mylanta, it's been a long time since I posted on here. SOOOO much has happened! I'll try to hit on the bullet points.

I went to Washington DC in March. It was AMAZING! I learned so much and in 4 days I felt like I had accomplished more than I had in the previous couple of years at home. I met some amazing people and fell in love with the GLSEN staff. New goal: I want to work for GLSEN. I applied for a job but I think I was too late. I see it's no longer posted and I wasn't contacted. But that's ok, my work in Laramie isn't quite done.

I have devised an exit strategy for myself. Step 1) Extract myself from certain clubs and organizations that are too dependent on me so that I have more free time for step 2) Finishing my freaking MA! After a semester of battling with the registrars office and the history department I have managed to have 3/4 of the F's on my transcript removed. My adviser's parting gift was a pile of irrational grades. He even opened a second section for a class he wasn't even teaching in order to give me one more F. I wish I knew what I did to piss this dude off. But now it's mostly fixed and I can register for classes and move on. Once I have my degree in hand I can move on to step 3) and decide what I want to be when I grow up (work for GLSEN) and somehow magically make myself into the perfect employee so they would be insane to not hire me. The sticking point is that GLSEN is based out of NYC and DC so that would be a huge change and I'm not sure how Miss Doggy would do in a big city.

Speaking of Miss Doggy... There was some recent drama involving my roommate, a friend in a neighboring town, a dinner party I was unable to attend and a "joke" that led me to believe they lost my dog, which made me think my dog was dead in a street somewhere. Lots of drama ensued, I yelled, I sent nasty emails, I was pissed for about 48 hours, and then I let it go. My dog was never lost, my friends are just jackasses.

Going back to this "I need to leave" idea. I feel like the last of the Mohicans. I am the last person left of the group of friends I had when I first moved here. 4-5 years ago I had this core group of friends and they are all gone now. It's just me left. I never imagined I would be the last holdout. Of course I've made new friends since then but many of them have left as well, or gotten into serious relationships or have somehow lost touch. This is a lonely place and it's hard to meet people and yet I'm always surprised about how many people I know. How can I know so many people and yet feel so alone sometimes? It's odd.

The AIDS Walk and Drag Queen Bingo were last weekend. As always, they were a BLAST! The weather was perfect for the walk and there was a good turn out. True to form, the weather turned bad as soon as I opened my chips at the bbq. EVERY YEAR! No idea why. Drag Queen Bingo was the best it's been so far! I didn't bring a date this year, which worked to my advantage in the end. I had a VIP table and brought some friends and generally had an awesome time. A "friend" at a neighboring table somehow turned into a 5 year old and started throwing markers at me. The first time it was kind of cute, the second was still a little funny, the third was enough. About 40 later I was pissed, the neighboring tables were pissed, and I snapped at him. Also throughout the night I was being wooed by a certain republican legislator. It was odd and unexpected but certainly not unwanted. I've known of this guy for many years and he had a bit of a "reputation" in the past. I'm willing to forgive the past as long as it really is the past and I have to admit I enjoyed the attention. Nobody has tried that hard with me in a long time. I should have probably been a little less aloof but I made up for it by the end of the night. He had been trying really hard with me and asking mutual friends about me and people from two other tables had texted me to see what I thought of the situation. (Yes, I am in fact a 13 year old girl, as are all my friends.) At the end of the night I was dancing and I saw him make his way out to the dance floor, he kind of danced near me and got discouraged and left when I didn't turn to him. (I should have danced with him.) Then a mutual friend talked to me and told me that he's never seen him act like that and wondered what I had done to captivate him. The night was nearly over, I had a long day and I was about to call it a night. So I went to him where he was sitting and told him I had a nice time chatting with him and asked if he had my number, knowing perfectly well that he didn't have it. He said asked me if I wanted him to have it. I told him to give me his phone and I programmed my number into it and instructed him to use it sometime soon. It was an uncharacteristically bold move on my part and I was oddly proud of myself. I figured if he was interested in anything other than a one night stand then he would contact me and we could go from there. Before I even got home he texted to thank me for my number and to say he had a nice time with me. Of course I got all grinny and happy since I am a 13 year old girl. He invited me to dinner last night. Unfortunately, he invited me to dinner at exactly the one time I wasn't able to go to dinner with him because I had a meeting and it was too late to get out of it. Plus I have an added complication coming into my life in about 7 hours.

Picture it: New York City, May 2008. I'm presenting at a conference and this cute guy comes up to introduce himself after my talk. He's an author (+1), has a PhD (+1), and planning on going to the archive I work at to do research at some future point (+2). He seemed nervous and mentioned going to an art show later in the night and I was too dumb to see that was an invitation. We corresponded for several months until he actually did come to town and stayed with me and it was wonderful. My guard was down within minutes and it was just like we had been best friends forever. He left, he got into a relationship, he broke my heart. It was dumb since we live in two different countries (he's Canadian) but I was still pretty heart broken. We had already made plans to meet up in San Francisco the following December and we spent a week together there in this awkward/ wonderful/ unrequited pseudo relationship. Then his real life and relationship took over and we had a lot less contact until recently. He's single again, and regretted pushing me out of his life. It sounds like a booty call but it's not. I like this guy and I'm content to simply be together when we are able and not when we are not. He's one of those people that I'm sure will be a part of my life, complicating things for a very long time, and that's ok. At any rate, he comes in today and will stay with me for 6 days. I'm excited and nervous and basically giddy. As cheese ball as it sounds, when I plan road trips and imaginary dates, he's the one I picture in the passenger seat.

*sigh* Why can't anything ever be simple or straight forward. So, in a week when he leaves I'll have a date with a republican to look forward to. That seemed a lot more exciting until I wrote all this out...

And that's my update.