Blerg

(I've been watching waaaaayyy too much 30 Rock lately.)

I've not felt right for a week or two. I think my seasonal affective disorder is starting to get to me. But I'm all moved into my new "office" at work so maybe that will help. It's just the cubicle next to the one I've always had but at least it has an awkwardly placed narrow window slit to let some natural light into my space. So, I guess that's an improvement. Work has been about the same as always. I'm working on some vaguely interesting projects and kind of just putting in my time. Someone resigned last week and will be gone in January. Who knows if we get his position back to be able to hire someone new. My supervisor was quizzing me about what my "ideal" job would be and if I was interested in becoming faculty. I think a couple of people will be attempting to get me promoted and a new job created for me in the coming year. That is really sweet and flattering but at the same time I'm not entirely sure I want to stick around long enough for that to be worth their effort. Course... I assume they are going to the effort to get me to stay. It's hard to explain to them that if I do leave, it's not because of my job. I actually like my job. I just don't make nearly enough, I hate how isolated I feel most of the time, and honestly... I hate going home to an eccentric Eastern European roommate rather than a boyfriend or a spouse and I don't see myself meeting "Mr. Right" while I'm living here. (More on "the perfect job" and dating later.)

I've had a headache for almost a week. It started last Tuesday afternoon and it's just about gone now. I think it started as a stress headache and then persisted because I was dehydrated and didn't realize it. Someone suggested that I might be dehydrated yesterday so I drank water like a fish the rest of the day and actually felt better last night. But the original cause was most certainly stress. I hadn't realized just how much I had been holding in since I'm usually a very open person but sometime in the last two or three weeks I just closed up and quit sharing. So... here is the brain dump:

My dad was at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN for a week to have a tumor removed from his kidney. It was large and cancerous but luckily it was slow growing and had not spread. He kept the kidney (you can live with one but he's diabetic so he needs both) and it hadn't spread so he doesn't need any chemo or radiation. Thank God for that. He also has a spot on his lung (so thankfully he had to quit smoking) and he had "something" removed from his eye. I have no idea what was removed, it seemed like a last minute thing and I never got the entire story other than the fact that my dad didn't get an eye patch and he wanted one. So, that was stressful enough and then I had to worry about my mom driving my dad home through 2 states, which wouldn't be an issue except she's on a ton of pain medication for her messed up back and nerve damage. She sometimes just falls asleep. So for two days I had to worry about them traveling home safely. Luckily they brought my grandma with them and she drove across half of South Dakota. She hates driving, by the way.

Other stress factors: School and graduating. I was taking one class and had a final paper due last Thursday. I waited until the last minute to start writing it of course. I started the research in early October but waited until the week it was due to actually start writing the paper so that was stressful. It was made even worse because I HAVE to get an A+++++++++ on it so that I get an A in the class and can graduate in May without having to take additional classes. No pressure or anything. My last class is still being taught in the spring semester as far as I know but if I have a B in either class I'll need an additional credit to be able to graduate. I also have to deal with all the other department graduation requirements next semester, the paperwork, the committees, the language requirement, the thesis, the defense, and who knows what other bullshit they will throw my way.

Other stress: I have a boyfriend in Salt Lake City. That sounds weird to me but it's true. He came here to visit me and I went there two weekends ago to visit him. I HATED the drive. It was around 6 hours and boring as hell. I was stressed the entire way there and the entire way back since I need new back tires and the weather wasn't exactly bad but it wasn't exactly good either. I'm still not sure what to think of him. I fell in love with him almost instantly, which is weird but true. I don't know why though. He is a great guy and super sweet but there were a few times when I was with him in SLC that I was not entirely sure I even liked him. He's kind of the class clown at times and always trying to get attention, which is irritating if you are the only one around and you grew up hating the class clown because you were often the source of his material. But we had a talk at one point and he admitted that he's been acting strangely since I intimidate him. I find it hard to believe that anyone could be intimidated by me, but he's not the first to say so. He's so clearly in love with me and terrified that I won't like him back that he's trying too hard. If he would just calm down and be himself things would be easier. I swore I would never be in another long distance relationship and this one is absurdly long distance. I'm not sure what to do or think. He's great but it's impossible to properly get to know someone that you only see once a month. But... at the same time I really like this guy. I don't know why, but I do. I just feel comfortable around him and he does make me laugh when he's not trying. And when he's just still and himself I find myself falling in love with him. This all scares me a lot.

In other news... I was making my usual online rounds of looking at what jobs are being offered and noticed that what could be called my "ideal job" is being offered at my old university in Arizona. It's basically all the best parts of my current job without all the parts I hate, with a huge raise. I'm about 95% qualified for it and if I just sold myself properly I would seem like the ideal candidate for the position. But... I'm not sure how I would feel about living in Flagstaff again. I was so unhappy there but that was due to my own personal issues of coming out. My final semester there was pretty good though. But even with that aside, I'm not sure Flagstaff is an improvement over my current situation. It's slighly larger, the weather is similar, the political climate is similar, but it's not exactly a large city and the gay population isn't all that large. I would be making a lot more money and working at a really cool job so maybe just a slight improvement is better than nothing. It doesn't solve the going home to an empty house problem though. And it is even further from SLC. Course... that can never work out unless one of us moves to be with the other and that can never really happen until I feel that might work and that can't work until I get to know him better and that can't happen until we can spend more time together... so that little cycle can't really end unless something changes and someone (me) takes a leap of faith.

See why I've felt insane for the last couple weeks?! Too much. But writing this all out actually made me feel better. I feel like maybe I was just letting a lot of small things pile up. Ok, most of those are pretty huge things but my parents are safely at home, my dad is recovering, my class is over, I might as well apply for the job at NAU and just see what happens, and as far as my guy in SLC... I don't know. I just need to take things a day at a time and see what happens.

To let loose.
To let free.
To breath in.
To breath out.
Peace out.