I’m going to write this in reverse order since I’m currently sitting in the living room smelling amazing smells coming from the kitchen. It seems my new roommate and I are taking turns cooking dinner and it’s his night. I made a stir fry last night that he deemed “excellent,” high praise from someone that doesn’t give unwarranted compliments. He’s a great cook, probably even better than me. His father was recently here and when asked what he thought of a meal that I thought was great, he replied; “it was... warm-ish.” Just an example of what he’s used to in terms of honesty in compliments. I think he said he’s making arroz con pollo. At this point I would happily eat anything since I’m starving!
Yoga class was great tonight. Some practices are somehow a lot better than others. After, I took a much needed shower (I sweat a LOT in yoga practice) and then I took the monster dog for a walk. On my way into the gym I noticed a guy I had never seen before. (In this town it’s actually possible to know when you are encountering someone you’ve never seen before.) He was kinda cute and walking toward me, so I sort of made eye contact – mostly because he happened to be in my line of sight and it would have actually been rude not to. Surprisingly, he made eye contact back and smiled. Whoh, what? So, I looked away and thought… well that was weird so I turned back just in time to see him turn back to see me turning back to look at him and this time we both smiled. I chuckled to myself and continued walking. In the “real” world at this point I probably should have stopped and said hello but it was so unexpected that I just walked on. Course, I clearly suck at actually getting from the point of meeting someone to the point of actually asking them out. I gots no game.
Work today was brutal. Actually, it has been all week. Not because I’m busy. I am bored to tears. I actually have things to do but they are the same old boring things I’ve been doing for 4 years and have been bored with for just about as long. That’s not good. I was walking through the stairwell, probably after checking my empty mailbox for the 100th time, and realized there really wasn’t a single job in that building that I would want to do for more than a couple weeks. Worse yet, the few jobs I would want are basically off limits unless I would actually have to quit, leave, start a new degree, and then apply for some position that happens to open up in 2-3 years. I think this is the actual definition of a dead end job.
It’s funny… I feel like I have everything I should want out of life right now but in all the wrong ways. My job seems cool and I love telling people about it… it’s just the actual doing of the job that makes me want to pluck my eyes out with olive forks. I’m living in a cute little house with a literal white picket fence with a guy that brings me breakfast in the morning. True story, I forgot my breakfast today and he actually noticed when he left for work and brought it to me. Ok, that’s just about the coolest thing ever. The ladies in my office were totally jealous. But… he’s not mine. The house isn’t mine. I’m a guest here. When we go out and seem like the cute gay couple walking the cute dog… all lies. We aren’t a couple and the dog is a pain is crazy. It’s like I’m living in someone else’s life and nothing quite fits. It’s all great stuff… but it’s not for me. I feel like an imposter. I wonder who has my life.
Time for re-evaluations. What sort of job would make me happy? Where should I go and what should I do to capture that ever elusive partner or dare I even say husband. And then… would I even be happy. I’m terrified that I’m just a complainer and will never be satisfied with what I have.
But… for now dinner is ready and it smells great and I am happy living in this house right now. Something more permanent will come later. I just have to have faith. See, I'm not all gloom and doom. ;-)
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