Someone I work with asked me if I was ok this morning. I replied that I was fine. Then she said that I looked tired and like I didn’t want to be at work. Uhhh… yeah? And? Wait, it’s not normal for someone to drag their ass to work 10 minutes late every day and then be tired and bored for roughly 8 hours before eventually fleeing the building?! Hmm… weird. Maybe I should look into that.
I had a nice chat with a friend the other day. She got all serious on me and told me it was time for me to move on. There is nothing left for me here and I’m wasted on this town. I tend to agree but knowing that and actually finding a practical way to leave are two very different things. I sent a job application to a pretty cool art school the other day. It was a general application that they will match with the 20-some jobs they have open in 3 different cities. I’m hoping to be matched with a job in Denver but I don’t think I would complain if I were offered a job in Chicago or San Francisco, provided I made enough to be able to live in one of those places.
Here is a secret confession… I find jobs in places I would like to live, I fill out the application, I put together a C.V. and a cover letter and then I just sit on them. I never actually mail them off. I’ve done this with maybe 10-20 jobs in the last year or so. The art school ap was the first exception in a very long time. It felt good, even if nothing comes from it.
When I moved here, it was so simple. I literally just threw some stuff in my 4-Runner and showed up in town. I crashed with some friends for a few months, I looked for and found a job, and eventually I started grad school and moved into a very nice apartment with a good friend. Sure, I was broke for months and it was pretty scary finding a job… but I managed just fine. I’m not sure what the difference is now. I have more stuff, but that is manageable. I have a dog, but she can travel. I have more bills, but I can handle them.
My friend told me something that I’ve given a lot of thought. She said I am afraid of the unknown. Moving is an unknown. It is something that I can’t visualize. She said I have somehow lost the ability to see possibility and that I’m only seeing what is in front of me. She’s probably right. She then went on to list all of these qualities that she sees in me that I take for granted. It helped somehow. I guess I’ll figure out what’s next when the time comes. I just need to keep pushing myself.
On the home front – things are pretty good. I really like living with the Czech. We removed all the wallpaper from my room last Sunday. I started by ripping down the two outermost layers and then we steamed the bottom 2-3 layers off. It was actually kind of fun! We were sort of arguing over whose turn it was to use the steamer since we both enjoyed using it so much. In the end I let him have his fun toy and I went to the kitchen to make potato salad. Meals there are always very nice and civilized. We take turns cooking and it’s always good food. Then we sit at the kitchen table to eat. Sometimes we chat, sometimes we listen to classical music on NPR, and sometimes we eat in silence. It’s often very Desperate Housewives-ish. The other night I got home and couldn’t think of something to make for dinner, he was sanding the bathroom floor, and I couldn’t really face the thought of one more “perfect” meal so I told him I was having dinner with a friend and then went to Sonic and devoured a nasty chili cheese dog in my car as fast as I was able. I felt like some deranged housewife that escaped from Wisteria Lane and as if I should have been wearing big dark sunglasses and a shawl over my head. But other than that brief freak out things are going well. I’m not sure how long I’ll want to ultimately stay there but I’m giving myself until November as a deadline. Why November? I dunno. Winter sucks?
So, I guess that’s about all I have to report other than one thing. I’m developing a bit of a crush on someone in Denver. He seems perfect and I’ve known him for months but I’ve managed to keep from developing any feelings for him until very recently. It was actually an email that pushed me over the edge. I don’t remember what he even said in it… but somehow… *boom!* feelings. Sigh… Don’t get me wrong, it’s great and I really don’t think I could have hand picked a better guy to have a crush on… but I can’t do long distance again and I flat out refuse to move for a guy. It’s a good thing I was planning on going that direction anyway. It kind of makes me feel like things are falling into place and that kind of scares me. Sheesh… how fucked up am I?! :-P
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