Wow, it's been a crazy few days. First of all... it sucks when something truly horrible happens and puts the normal BS into perspective. Long story short: a friend tried to kill himself and I spent about 36 hours not knowing if he would live or die. He lived, thank GOD! I'm not sure I want to say anything more than that.
It was amazing to see the outpouring of support offered by my friends and family. I am truly blessed with some wonderful people in my life.
It seems like I had a lot more to say in this blog but now I don't know what. I guess I'm just grateful for everything. I complain a lot and I'm pretty discontent in my current position but it could be SOOO much worse.
To let loose
To let free
To breath in
To breath out
Peace out
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Survived the Weekend of Horror
So I already complained about being preemptively dumped by the same guy twice. A few notes on that: I think the phone call on Friday came out of his feeling guilty about seeing other people and he wouldn't feel guilty if he didn't like and care about me. I did expect him to date. But I'm still confused about what he wants from me. I backed off SIGNIFICANTLY after the first time he broke up with me. We agreed to still hang out and be friends, which I thought we had. Bottom line, boys are fucking stupid.
I woke up Saturday morning with red puffy eyes, a slight hang over, pissed about wasting my tears on someone that no longer deserves them, and I had a song stuck in my head... "if you need water, I'll be your river..." I had the entire song stuck in my head but I couldn't place it. Where had I heard this song and how do I know it. Turns out it was by Cyndi Lauper. I heard it on a cd I recently bought but didn't realize I was even paying attention to that song. It's beautiful and I love Cyndi Lauper for it.
You like the flame and you are drawn by desire
Watching and waiting in line for your turn
I've learned to walk with my back to the fire
I like the heat but I don't want to get burned
And if you need water
I'll Be A River
Like a wave I will come over you
You need someone to fall into
I'll Be A River
And my love will carry you through
Here stands a fortress built with great walls of silence
Ready to crumble at the slightest word
Finding the right one is becoming a science
I'd like to scream but I ain't gonna be heard
And if you need water
I'll Be A River
Like a wave I will come over you
You need someone to fall into
I'll Be A River
And my love will carry you through
I decided that I was not going to mope around feeling sorry for myself. After all, nothing had actually changed. We weren't dating to begin with so being broken up with should have no affect. Mostly it was just my feelers that were hurt. Am I really so unlovable that I have to be preemtively dumped once a month just to make sure I don't get any ideas? But these were the thoughts I decided I didn't want to have. So I got out of bed and started emptying out my room to paint it. By 10:30 I had everything out and was ready to start painting the ceiling. 20 minutes later I somehow managed to dump the gallon of white paint - on my roommates dog. This obviously scared her so she took off running through the house. My dog came to investigate and walked through the paint. I eventually tackled the paint covered little dog in the kitchen and grabbed my own dog by the collar, just as my roommate came upstairs. There was paint EVERYWHERE. I took the dogs down to the basement and we got in the shower fully dressed. I got the dogs clean and then went up to help my roommate with the paint disaster all over the hard wood floors. I managed to miss the tarp entirely since I think I was moving it when the paint fell. About an hour and a half later... we had 96% of the paint off the floor, sore knees, and I had a blister on my thumb.
I managed to get one coat of paint on my room and then my roommate told me he was having company over for dinner. Ok... the timing was bad but I vaguely remembered him saying something about this earlier in the week. The company showed up and turned out to be some dude he met online from Denver that just happened to be passing through. I asked several times if he wanted me to find somewhere else to be (even though I was covered in paint and didn't really want to spend the evening doing anything other than taking a hot bath). He assured me that I should stay and that he only planned on having dinner with this dude. I was still uncomfortable but didn't argue. I had dinner with them - still covered in paint and made small talk with who I will now call "random dude #4." We finished eating and I went to the living room to start putting a few things away so we could actually sit on the furniture since the contents of my room was all over the place. I decided to answer an email and my roommate asked if I wanted some cheesecake. Hell yes I want cheesecake! I finished up my email and I heard kissing noises coming from the living room. Shit... so I casually walked past to get a drink of water and saw that they were making out. Well, so much for cheesecake. I went back to my room and wondered if I should leave but once again... I was covered in paint, wanted a bath, and didn't really have anywhere to go. Some time passed and then my roommate got into the shower. Shit... what does THAT mean?! Then they both disappeared into my roommate's bedroom and I was officially traumatized. The silver lining (I thought) was that the cheesecake was now free to be eaten except it seems when they followed their penises into the bedroom they left the cheesecake behind and my opportunist dog took care of it for them. So, to recap... my roommate is banging some random dude 12 feet from my room, my dog is hyped up on 4 slices of chocolate cheesecake, and I'm covered in paint. I wanted a bath since "random dude #4" showed up and I decided at this moment that it would no longer be rude if I took one. So I shut the door to my cracked out dog and took a bath. My dog barked and whined the entire time I was in there - but at my roommate's door, not the bathroom door. Traitor. I got out and discovered that while I was relaxing in the tub that both dogs had somehow gotten into the trash (I'm assuming because my roommate didn't latch it). My shirtless post coital roommate came to my room to ask if any trash got left in there after the dogs got into it. I growled something about how she had also eaten the cheesecake and he retreated to his room for some pillow talk - which I could hear since he left his door open. At 11 I made a big production out of shutting off lights and locking doors and going to bed. An hour later I heard "random dude #4" leave.
Sunday I woke up just as angry as I was the morning before. I avoided my roommate and left for church without saying anything to him. We had our Open and Affirming celebration and a vigil for GLBT youth that have been bullied and/ or committed suicide. It was rough to get through but I managed. I got home around noon and wasn't done being angry with my slutty roommate yet. Luckily I had a lunch invite from a friend so I left to have an omelet. I eventually made it home and my roommate asked if I was angry that he brought a guy home. I explained that I wasn't angry about that... I was however angry that he proceeded to have sex while I was there after I had offered to give him the house for the evening. He explained that he didn't think it was a big deal since if he was comfortable having me in the house when he had sex then it shouldn't bother me. I explained that it doesn't really work like that...
I don't remember if I mentioned in the last blog that Friday night he came home and let me cry on his shoulder and gave me a big hug and I felt like we were friends again. Then he was really cool during the entire paint fiasco and we bonded over that too. I think he felt bad about everything but I guess in his defense the penis can sometimes take over and there is nothing anyone can do about it.
I spent the rest of Sunday putting a second coat of paint on my room, then moved my furniture out of storage and into my room. My room looks amazing by the way. I feel so much less homeless and it's a good feeling to know that I'm just a couple of car loads away from not having to pay my storage unit anymore. I also gave away my couch to a foreign exchange student. I am glad it's gone and being put to use!
My roommate made fish and chips and poured me a gin and tonic "to celebrate surviving the weekend of horror." We hashed everything out over dinner and things are good between us again. He's sorry he's a whore. I'm sorry I'm moody and emotional.
Last weekend can kiss my ass. I feel like I need another one to recover and relax. Also... "the boy" can kiss my ass. He's an idiot. Why would you break up with someone you weren't dating to begin with? I think he just felt guilty and wanted me to absolve him of that guilt. By doing so it just made me feel worse. Fuck him. He doesn't deserve me and if he wants this to work then he's going to have to figure out how to be my friend.
I woke up Saturday morning with red puffy eyes, a slight hang over, pissed about wasting my tears on someone that no longer deserves them, and I had a song stuck in my head... "if you need water, I'll be your river..." I had the entire song stuck in my head but I couldn't place it. Where had I heard this song and how do I know it. Turns out it was by Cyndi Lauper. I heard it on a cd I recently bought but didn't realize I was even paying attention to that song. It's beautiful and I love Cyndi Lauper for it.
You like the flame and you are drawn by desire
Watching and waiting in line for your turn
I've learned to walk with my back to the fire
I like the heat but I don't want to get burned
And if you need water
I'll Be A River
Like a wave I will come over you
You need someone to fall into
I'll Be A River
And my love will carry you through
Here stands a fortress built with great walls of silence
Ready to crumble at the slightest word
Finding the right one is becoming a science
I'd like to scream but I ain't gonna be heard
And if you need water
I'll Be A River
Like a wave I will come over you
You need someone to fall into
I'll Be A River
And my love will carry you through
I decided that I was not going to mope around feeling sorry for myself. After all, nothing had actually changed. We weren't dating to begin with so being broken up with should have no affect. Mostly it was just my feelers that were hurt. Am I really so unlovable that I have to be preemtively dumped once a month just to make sure I don't get any ideas? But these were the thoughts I decided I didn't want to have. So I got out of bed and started emptying out my room to paint it. By 10:30 I had everything out and was ready to start painting the ceiling. 20 minutes later I somehow managed to dump the gallon of white paint - on my roommates dog. This obviously scared her so she took off running through the house. My dog came to investigate and walked through the paint. I eventually tackled the paint covered little dog in the kitchen and grabbed my own dog by the collar, just as my roommate came upstairs. There was paint EVERYWHERE. I took the dogs down to the basement and we got in the shower fully dressed. I got the dogs clean and then went up to help my roommate with the paint disaster all over the hard wood floors. I managed to miss the tarp entirely since I think I was moving it when the paint fell. About an hour and a half later... we had 96% of the paint off the floor, sore knees, and I had a blister on my thumb.
I managed to get one coat of paint on my room and then my roommate told me he was having company over for dinner. Ok... the timing was bad but I vaguely remembered him saying something about this earlier in the week. The company showed up and turned out to be some dude he met online from Denver that just happened to be passing through. I asked several times if he wanted me to find somewhere else to be (even though I was covered in paint and didn't really want to spend the evening doing anything other than taking a hot bath). He assured me that I should stay and that he only planned on having dinner with this dude. I was still uncomfortable but didn't argue. I had dinner with them - still covered in paint and made small talk with who I will now call "random dude #4." We finished eating and I went to the living room to start putting a few things away so we could actually sit on the furniture since the contents of my room was all over the place. I decided to answer an email and my roommate asked if I wanted some cheesecake. Hell yes I want cheesecake! I finished up my email and I heard kissing noises coming from the living room. Shit... so I casually walked past to get a drink of water and saw that they were making out. Well, so much for cheesecake. I went back to my room and wondered if I should leave but once again... I was covered in paint, wanted a bath, and didn't really have anywhere to go. Some time passed and then my roommate got into the shower. Shit... what does THAT mean?! Then they both disappeared into my roommate's bedroom and I was officially traumatized. The silver lining (I thought) was that the cheesecake was now free to be eaten except it seems when they followed their penises into the bedroom they left the cheesecake behind and my opportunist dog took care of it for them. So, to recap... my roommate is banging some random dude 12 feet from my room, my dog is hyped up on 4 slices of chocolate cheesecake, and I'm covered in paint. I wanted a bath since "random dude #4" showed up and I decided at this moment that it would no longer be rude if I took one. So I shut the door to my cracked out dog and took a bath. My dog barked and whined the entire time I was in there - but at my roommate's door, not the bathroom door. Traitor. I got out and discovered that while I was relaxing in the tub that both dogs had somehow gotten into the trash (I'm assuming because my roommate didn't latch it). My shirtless post coital roommate came to my room to ask if any trash got left in there after the dogs got into it. I growled something about how she had also eaten the cheesecake and he retreated to his room for some pillow talk - which I could hear since he left his door open. At 11 I made a big production out of shutting off lights and locking doors and going to bed. An hour later I heard "random dude #4" leave.
Sunday I woke up just as angry as I was the morning before. I avoided my roommate and left for church without saying anything to him. We had our Open and Affirming celebration and a vigil for GLBT youth that have been bullied and/ or committed suicide. It was rough to get through but I managed. I got home around noon and wasn't done being angry with my slutty roommate yet. Luckily I had a lunch invite from a friend so I left to have an omelet. I eventually made it home and my roommate asked if I was angry that he brought a guy home. I explained that I wasn't angry about that... I was however angry that he proceeded to have sex while I was there after I had offered to give him the house for the evening. He explained that he didn't think it was a big deal since if he was comfortable having me in the house when he had sex then it shouldn't bother me. I explained that it doesn't really work like that...
I don't remember if I mentioned in the last blog that Friday night he came home and let me cry on his shoulder and gave me a big hug and I felt like we were friends again. Then he was really cool during the entire paint fiasco and we bonded over that too. I think he felt bad about everything but I guess in his defense the penis can sometimes take over and there is nothing anyone can do about it.
I spent the rest of Sunday putting a second coat of paint on my room, then moved my furniture out of storage and into my room. My room looks amazing by the way. I feel so much less homeless and it's a good feeling to know that I'm just a couple of car loads away from not having to pay my storage unit anymore. I also gave away my couch to a foreign exchange student. I am glad it's gone and being put to use!
My roommate made fish and chips and poured me a gin and tonic "to celebrate surviving the weekend of horror." We hashed everything out over dinner and things are good between us again. He's sorry he's a whore. I'm sorry I'm moody and emotional.
Last weekend can kiss my ass. I feel like I need another one to recover and relax. Also... "the boy" can kiss my ass. He's an idiot. Why would you break up with someone you weren't dating to begin with? I think he just felt guilty and wanted me to absolve him of that guilt. By doing so it just made me feel worse. Fuck him. He doesn't deserve me and if he wants this to work then he's going to have to figure out how to be my friend.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Sick of Waiting
I hate that my blog makes me look like an emotional 13 year old girl with nothing but boy problems but this seems to be the home for this topic so... there you have it.
I went out tonight with my most recent love interest. I've missed hanging out with him for the last few weeks so I just went out and told him that I've missed spending time with him and asked if we could have a beer tonight. He said yes, we had a beer... of course he brought a friend and I showed up alone. More of his friends showed up throughout the night and that was all fine. I finally got to the point where I felt like I had enough to drink and I was tired and ready to go home. He saw that and felt the same way so we left but then parted outside of the bar. I left feeling weird and unresolved and just generally unhappy about the situation. I got home and my phone rang. It was him. He wanted to tell me that he's been dating other people and that specifically he's been on a couple dates with the same guy that broke my roommate's heart and essentially turned him into a slutty mess. He hoped that we could still hang out and be friends and just wanted to be honest with me. I was honest with him and told him how we met since he didn't even know how long I've been waiting for a chance to date him (roughly a year). In the end I think we just made things harder on each other. We hung up and I just collapsed. I started crying like I haven't cried in ages. I felt so rejected and unwanted. It made things worse since it's been at least a couple of years since I've WANTED to date ANYONE and then I found someone that met my insane requirements and he rejected me. That wasn't supposed to happen.
I'm just so tired of waiting for things.
To let loose,
To let free,
To breath in,
To breath out,
Peace Out.
I went out tonight with my most recent love interest. I've missed hanging out with him for the last few weeks so I just went out and told him that I've missed spending time with him and asked if we could have a beer tonight. He said yes, we had a beer... of course he brought a friend and I showed up alone. More of his friends showed up throughout the night and that was all fine. I finally got to the point where I felt like I had enough to drink and I was tired and ready to go home. He saw that and felt the same way so we left but then parted outside of the bar. I left feeling weird and unresolved and just generally unhappy about the situation. I got home and my phone rang. It was him. He wanted to tell me that he's been dating other people and that specifically he's been on a couple dates with the same guy that broke my roommate's heart and essentially turned him into a slutty mess. He hoped that we could still hang out and be friends and just wanted to be honest with me. I was honest with him and told him how we met since he didn't even know how long I've been waiting for a chance to date him (roughly a year). In the end I think we just made things harder on each other. We hung up and I just collapsed. I started crying like I haven't cried in ages. I felt so rejected and unwanted. It made things worse since it's been at least a couple of years since I've WANTED to date ANYONE and then I found someone that met my insane requirements and he rejected me. That wasn't supposed to happen.
I'm just so tired of waiting for things.
To let loose,
To let free,
To breath in,
To breath out,
Peace Out.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The Gays of My Life
Before getting into my lame junior high girl drama I'm going to give a quick update on my life recently.
~ I officially quit advising the GLBT student group last week. I had half way quit months ago but stuck around. It was becoming more trouble than anything else with all the drama and university bullshit so I said a fond farewell and walked out on Friday. After over 5 years of of blood, sweat and tears, my departure was met with a yawn. That kind of hurt.
~ My exhibit at work is 2/3 up and looking good. The rest will go up later in the week.
~ Work in general has been a little dramatic and weird lately. I feel a little like I've outgrown my job but I don't want the next size up and they aren't offering it anyway.
~ Things at home have been a little awkward lately. My roommate seems to be in heat or something. He talks about nothing but sex and seems to have had some sort of a three way while I was at church. Classy.
~ Class is going ok. I just want to be done. The last class I need "might" be offered in May and I was supposed to hear back a week ago but haven't yet.
~ For the first time, I feel like I've overstayed my welcome - at work, at home, in school, in the clubs and organizations I'm a part of. I need to start fresh, but I'm not sure where or how.
And now on to my lame junior high bullshit...
I had a weird week last week as far as imaginary relationships go. (And all of my relationships ARE imaginary.) My most recent crush seems to be pushing me even further into the friend zone. I've noticed that he doesn't contact me independently. He only replies when I contact him... so I guess that's even on the edge of the friend zone. That is dangerously close to "annoying friend I tolerate zone" and I refuse to live in that neighborhood. Maybe I'm imagining things. I know he's insanely busy. A relationship is certainly off the table though... which sucks since in spite of myself I still have a crush on him. I should have known it was bullshit when we both said that we didn't want anything to change since sure enough... everything changed.
To complicate things further... I wrote to my Canadian author friend. We write to each other more or less every day, sort of pen pall style. Of course I mention things going on (or not going on) with the current crush when I write to him. Last week I wrote to say something about the crush and I got a slightly unexpected reply saying that he felt like they were in competition for me and that when he pictures his life in the future it's with me. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I do love him but he's in Canada and I'm not sure I can say that I'm "in love" with him and there is a difference. And since he's a writer, it was a beautiful letter and I melted but that still doesn't translate to anything realistic. There might be too much water under that bridge to be able to cross it again. He kind of hurt me when he picked someone practical over me, which is what I was trying to do recently and why he said something. I still just don't know what to do with that information. I guess wait until May and Spain and see what happens?
About two days later the guy I like to refer to as "the rabbi" in my blog popped back up, after over a year of no contact. He's now in NYC going to grad school and wants to teach religious studies rather than be a rabbi. Ok... so that's all well and good... he's still cute, he's still available, he's no longer going to be a rabbi, which was going to be an issue... but he's still needy and clingy and moving too fast for his own good. I want his friendship, nothing more. That's all I've ever wanted but he keeps getting hurt and I hate hurting people. I feel like I'm doing the same thing to him that my recent crush is doing to me - leaving him on the line. I should just tell him that I'm not interested in a relationship and let him move on, if he wants to be friends that's up to him. I know it hurts to be left in the no man's land of not knowing how someone feels and if they should feel hopeful or not.
Why is it that life tends to give you everything you want but in the most complicated ways possible. I have a cute sweet nearly perfect guy 6 blocks from my house, that doesn't want me. I have a cute sweet nearly perfect guy in Canada that does want me but lives a bazillion miles away and I'm not sure I can get over my own hurt from 2 years ago to let him back in. And I have a cute guy that desperately wants me but doesn't even know me in New York. I should feel flattered by the last two but it somehow just makes me angry.
~ I officially quit advising the GLBT student group last week. I had half way quit months ago but stuck around. It was becoming more trouble than anything else with all the drama and university bullshit so I said a fond farewell and walked out on Friday. After over 5 years of of blood, sweat and tears, my departure was met with a yawn. That kind of hurt.
~ My exhibit at work is 2/3 up and looking good. The rest will go up later in the week.
~ Work in general has been a little dramatic and weird lately. I feel a little like I've outgrown my job but I don't want the next size up and they aren't offering it anyway.
~ Things at home have been a little awkward lately. My roommate seems to be in heat or something. He talks about nothing but sex and seems to have had some sort of a three way while I was at church. Classy.
~ Class is going ok. I just want to be done. The last class I need "might" be offered in May and I was supposed to hear back a week ago but haven't yet.
~ For the first time, I feel like I've overstayed my welcome - at work, at home, in school, in the clubs and organizations I'm a part of. I need to start fresh, but I'm not sure where or how.
And now on to my lame junior high bullshit...
I had a weird week last week as far as imaginary relationships go. (And all of my relationships ARE imaginary.) My most recent crush seems to be pushing me even further into the friend zone. I've noticed that he doesn't contact me independently. He only replies when I contact him... so I guess that's even on the edge of the friend zone. That is dangerously close to "annoying friend I tolerate zone" and I refuse to live in that neighborhood. Maybe I'm imagining things. I know he's insanely busy. A relationship is certainly off the table though... which sucks since in spite of myself I still have a crush on him. I should have known it was bullshit when we both said that we didn't want anything to change since sure enough... everything changed.
To complicate things further... I wrote to my Canadian author friend. We write to each other more or less every day, sort of pen pall style. Of course I mention things going on (or not going on) with the current crush when I write to him. Last week I wrote to say something about the crush and I got a slightly unexpected reply saying that he felt like they were in competition for me and that when he pictures his life in the future it's with me. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I do love him but he's in Canada and I'm not sure I can say that I'm "in love" with him and there is a difference. And since he's a writer, it was a beautiful letter and I melted but that still doesn't translate to anything realistic. There might be too much water under that bridge to be able to cross it again. He kind of hurt me when he picked someone practical over me, which is what I was trying to do recently and why he said something. I still just don't know what to do with that information. I guess wait until May and Spain and see what happens?
About two days later the guy I like to refer to as "the rabbi" in my blog popped back up, after over a year of no contact. He's now in NYC going to grad school and wants to teach religious studies rather than be a rabbi. Ok... so that's all well and good... he's still cute, he's still available, he's no longer going to be a rabbi, which was going to be an issue... but he's still needy and clingy and moving too fast for his own good. I want his friendship, nothing more. That's all I've ever wanted but he keeps getting hurt and I hate hurting people. I feel like I'm doing the same thing to him that my recent crush is doing to me - leaving him on the line. I should just tell him that I'm not interested in a relationship and let him move on, if he wants to be friends that's up to him. I know it hurts to be left in the no man's land of not knowing how someone feels and if they should feel hopeful or not.
Why is it that life tends to give you everything you want but in the most complicated ways possible. I have a cute sweet nearly perfect guy 6 blocks from my house, that doesn't want me. I have a cute sweet nearly perfect guy in Canada that does want me but lives a bazillion miles away and I'm not sure I can get over my own hurt from 2 years ago to let him back in. And I have a cute guy that desperately wants me but doesn't even know me in New York. I should feel flattered by the last two but it somehow just makes me angry.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Dreams
For about a month at least 3-4 times a week I have a dream that someone is coming to bed. I'll actually wake up in the middle of the night because someone that belongs in my bed has finally gotten home and is crawling in with me. I'll even move over to make room for him and yesterday night I actually sat up in bed, said out loud "you finally made it home" and reached my hand out... to nobody. I have no idea who I think it is but it's obviously someone I want to be there and belongs with me. I'm not sure if my subconscious is processing my recent "near relationship" or if I'm being prepared for something in the future. In the dreams I'm so comfortable with this person that I don't even question who he is but at the same time I'm in the same room, in the same bed, and the only thing that has changed is that I share that room and bed. It has the feel of a memory but one that hasn't happened yet if that makes any sense. Ok, enough weirdness... Dreams are just dreams but it's so odd that I would continue having different versions of the same dream and wake up expecting to see someone so often.
I'm a lot less stressed today than I have been most of the week. I'm not sure if my "give-a-shiter" just quit working or if my stress level has actually decreased. Either way, I'm not as freaked out. I'm looking forward to the weekend. I have a dinner party to attend on Friday (at the home of my most recent "near relationship") then I'm seeing and old friend on Saturday and interviewing a potential new pastor on Sunday. Should be a good weekend! Just a day and a half to go...
To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.
I'm a lot less stressed today than I have been most of the week. I'm not sure if my "give-a-shiter" just quit working or if my stress level has actually decreased. Either way, I'm not as freaked out. I'm looking forward to the weekend. I have a dinner party to attend on Friday (at the home of my most recent "near relationship") then I'm seeing and old friend on Saturday and interviewing a potential new pastor on Sunday. Should be a good weekend! Just a day and a half to go...
To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
As if I'm becoming untouchable...
"My Skin"
Natalie Merchant
Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here
That I don't understand
Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
I don't need them
I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
Contempt loves the silence
It thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils
That strangle the heart
They say that promises
Sweeten the blow
But I don't need them
No, I don't need them
I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
I'm a slow dying flower
Frost killing hour
The sweet turning sour
And untouchable
O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this
I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
Angel sweet
Love of my life
O, I need this
Do you remember the way
That you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness
I loved and adored?
Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
No, I don't need them
O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this
I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
The angel sweet
Love of my life
I need this
Is it dark enough?
Can you see me?
Do you want me?
Can you reach me?
Or I'm leaving
You better shut your mouth
Hold your breath
Kiss me now you'll catch my death
O, I mean it
Natalie Merchant
Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here
That I don't understand
Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
I don't need them
I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
Contempt loves the silence
It thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils
That strangle the heart
They say that promises
Sweeten the blow
But I don't need them
No, I don't need them
I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
I'm a slow dying flower
Frost killing hour
The sweet turning sour
And untouchable
O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this
I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
Angel sweet
Love of my life
O, I need this
Do you remember the way
That you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness
I loved and adored?
Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
No, I don't need them
O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this
I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
The angel sweet
Love of my life
I need this
Is it dark enough?
Can you see me?
Do you want me?
Can you reach me?
Or I'm leaving
You better shut your mouth
Hold your breath
Kiss me now you'll catch my death
O, I mean it
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Teach Me To Under-think
I've had a lot going on lately. I'm not sure how to digest any of it or even if I can or should. One thing is certain though... I am my own worst enemy and over think EVERYTHING. Seriously... "Oh, he hung back to walk with me instead of his other friends... what does that mean?" Fuck. Seriously... I would say I need my head examined except I seem to be the token non-psychology phd student when I go out lately and I can say with some certainty that my head is just fine. So... a recap of my week/end.
Work sucked this week. Everyone was pissy and irrational and demanding. I have an exhibit due by the end of the month but I'm getting no feedback and nobody remembers to do anything unless it was something I mentioned in passing weeks ago and changed my mind and gave very specific instructions that should have trumped the random thought weeks ago. My boss (who I actually really like) has been making a lot of seemingly irrational decisions lately that boil down to a lot more work. A coworker (who I also really like) has been making irrational demands. I'm in the middle of like 800 projects and if one more person asks me to drop everything and work on something for them, my head will actually explode. *pop!!* I'm almost never worried about my job or stressed... I hope this doesn't last long.
Friday night I went out with my new gal palls and had a Bloody Mary. It was delicious and just what I needed. I only saw "the guy" very briefly and then he invited me out to hang out with him later in the night. I declined and stayed home alone and watched The Princess and the Frog. I feel like I made the right decision. ;-)
I saw "him" the next day for a pre-game party at his house that was also a birthday party for his roommate. I ate a fried Twinkie, I drank too much beer, too quickly and then drunk dialed my mom at like 6:00 in the evening. Classy... They all went to the game and I parted ways to go to another birthday party complete with an Indian feast. I love Indian food. Seriously... so good. Around 11:00 I sobered up and walked my ass home. All 22 blocks home. It was a beautiful night though, so it was nice.
Sunday... I got up and went to church. I was the worship assistant today, which is still weird to me but nice. After church I went grocery shopping and then had some lunch. I had big plans to get a lot of work done but didn't at any point. I went for a long walk with a friend and the dogs. It was beautiful out this weekend. August beautiful. By now we've usually had a hard freeze if not a snow storm and everything is dead and it's practically winter. I'm glad I enjoyed the warmth today. I still haven't done any homework... but nothing is due until Tuesday and that's like days away right? ;-)
Ok... so... reading this... I notice a theme. "the guy" Fuck that. I was happy and content with my life. I even decided that I didn't want him at some point and now I'm reading novels into his slightest inconsequential actions.
Here are my plans for myself and just for me: I'm going to yoga because it makes me happy. I'm saving money for a potential trip to West Hollywood/ Spain in May. I'm enjoying the company of my friends but not stressing about it. I'm going to create a beautiful exhibit at work. I'm going to continue kicking ass in my class. I'm going to take one other class and finish my thesis next semester. I should know if I can take my last class this summer very soon. I could be done by June. That is awesome. Then what? Who knows. Whatever I want. :-)
Work sucked this week. Everyone was pissy and irrational and demanding. I have an exhibit due by the end of the month but I'm getting no feedback and nobody remembers to do anything unless it was something I mentioned in passing weeks ago and changed my mind and gave very specific instructions that should have trumped the random thought weeks ago. My boss (who I actually really like) has been making a lot of seemingly irrational decisions lately that boil down to a lot more work. A coworker (who I also really like) has been making irrational demands. I'm in the middle of like 800 projects and if one more person asks me to drop everything and work on something for them, my head will actually explode. *pop!!* I'm almost never worried about my job or stressed... I hope this doesn't last long.
Friday night I went out with my new gal palls and had a Bloody Mary. It was delicious and just what I needed. I only saw "the guy" very briefly and then he invited me out to hang out with him later in the night. I declined and stayed home alone and watched The Princess and the Frog. I feel like I made the right decision. ;-)
I saw "him" the next day for a pre-game party at his house that was also a birthday party for his roommate. I ate a fried Twinkie, I drank too much beer, too quickly and then drunk dialed my mom at like 6:00 in the evening. Classy... They all went to the game and I parted ways to go to another birthday party complete with an Indian feast. I love Indian food. Seriously... so good. Around 11:00 I sobered up and walked my ass home. All 22 blocks home. It was a beautiful night though, so it was nice.
Sunday... I got up and went to church. I was the worship assistant today, which is still weird to me but nice. After church I went grocery shopping and then had some lunch. I had big plans to get a lot of work done but didn't at any point. I went for a long walk with a friend and the dogs. It was beautiful out this weekend. August beautiful. By now we've usually had a hard freeze if not a snow storm and everything is dead and it's practically winter. I'm glad I enjoyed the warmth today. I still haven't done any homework... but nothing is due until Tuesday and that's like days away right? ;-)
Ok... so... reading this... I notice a theme. "the guy" Fuck that. I was happy and content with my life. I even decided that I didn't want him at some point and now I'm reading novels into his slightest inconsequential actions.
Here are my plans for myself and just for me: I'm going to yoga because it makes me happy. I'm saving money for a potential trip to West Hollywood/ Spain in May. I'm enjoying the company of my friends but not stressing about it. I'm going to create a beautiful exhibit at work. I'm going to continue kicking ass in my class. I'm going to take one other class and finish my thesis next semester. I should know if I can take my last class this summer very soon. I could be done by June. That is awesome. Then what? Who knows. Whatever I want. :-)
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