So, it's been a while since my last post. A lot has happened. Work is more or less the same except I've been busting my butt to get the collection I'm working on finished up. It's a super fun collection of science fiction and monster movie memorabilia. It's kind of nice to go to work and be excited about working and actually trying to be productive, rather than just passing time.
I applied to a job a month or so ago. It was sort of a shot in the dark since it's a really good job and pays much more. I am totally qualified for it but didn't really expect an interview. I had a phone interview last Friday. It was pretty unexpected but really exciting. It was a bit awkward since I took the phone interview in my office at work because I don't have a land line at home and I figured it would be a quiet place. It consisted of three people on a speaker phone asking me a series of 18 questions. I would ramble on about whatever the topic was while they took notes so it was kind of hard to have it be so one sided but I think I did well. I'm not sure if I'll get a second interview or an offer since they need someone immediately. I'm stuck where I am until late April or early May. No matter what, it was really flattering to make their short list since I'm sure they got well over 100 applications.
Classes have started. I'm taking too many credits. My three credit class is less horrible than I thought it would be. My one credit historic preservation class is WAY more work than it should be and could end up being a bigger pain in the ass than my three credit class and internship combined. The internship is going to take time but not be especially difficult. It will feel good to finish up in May, even though I'll still need one more three credit class to formally graduate. I'll probably just take something "fun" over the summer - maybe an online class.
So, I guess I'm still "seeing" the guy in Utah. It's been just a little over three months since we met. We had this huge fight Saturday and I came within a fraction of an inch of dumping him. It's odd that I would even need to dump him considering we've spent two weekends together and I've had longer relationships with bottles of ketchup. But... we also talk on the phone daily, text, chat online... so I guess it is a long distance relationship of sorts. - Just one that is hyper charged and premature. So, here is my issue. He's the neediest person ever. EVER. He sends texts all the time saying things like "I love you" or "I miss you" and I know the only acceptable reply is to say the same back. After about the 3rd or 4th time in a day I get tired of constantly reassuring him and either don't reply at all or reply with a question like "how is your day going?" This happened on Saturday and it upset him. He felt like I ignored his text. I didn't ignore it, I just didn't play his game and reassure him for the 10,000th time that I miss him. At that moment, I didn't miss him. He had called me twice before that and we had texted back and forth all day. I was actually a little relieved that he was hosting a movie party and I could have a few hours to myself. The ensuing fight was ugly. I came across as a huge prick since he took the stance of "I just love you and want to be with you" and I had to be the realistic ass hole that questioned how on earth a relationship where we are six hours apart could possibly work. His faith that it can and will work out is sweet but I can't say that I share it.
So, then why didn't I dump him? I honestly don't know. I've come close a few times but something always stops me. For all his neediness it is really nice that he thinks of me so highly and cares about me so much. I feel like he is kind of living in a fairy tale but that blind faith that everything will be ok is endearing too. Plus the last time we had a fight I finally just spilled everything that was bothering me and he quit doing those things. They were petty but he just flat out stopped. It's rare to find a guy that is willing to make changes and adjustments to make a relationship work - I can't say I'm willing to do that even. Plus I guess there are the subconscious things. Both dogs love him and they only love a very small number of people. He listens and remembers small things. When I stop being a dick and just let him into my life, even for just a little bit, I find that we have a lot in common and ultimately want the same things in life. And we just "fit" together well. When we hold hands or sleep together things just mesh up and it feels like we were supposed to be together like that all along. I know it's cheesy and mushy but this is coming from the same guy that prefers to sleep alone because I don't want to be touched while sleeping. And with him... I actually like cuddling all night and waking up together.
So... I don't know how it could possibly work out. I don't want to move to Utah and I would never ask anyone to move here but maybe there is a third or even a fourth option. I have nobody locally that I want to date. I guess I'm not loosing much by giving him a chance. Sure, in the past I've hated the feeling of having to talk to him on the phone nightly and reply to umpteen thousand texts but I also never mentioned that to him until our big fight and he said he wouldn't be hurt if we didn't speak every night. Somehow just knowing that makes me want to talk to him. God, I'm a psycho... What does it say about me that I only want people that don't want me and a totally sweet and thoughtful guy that is crazy about me is a turn off?
Or maybe he really is just a crazy person. Only time will tell.
To let loose.
To let free.
To breath in.
To breath out.
Peace out.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Updates 'n Stuff
I had a nice Christmas with my family. I drove home a day early due to the typical hysteria we go through about the weather. There was a big storm and supposedly another on the way. My drive home was uneventful other than the fact that it took 6 hours instead of the normal 4 1/2. My dad is still recovering from surgery and was not feeling very well for the first few days I was home. My parents were actually planning on flying back to Mayo's on the Monday after Christmas to have him looked at again. But then the day after Christmas my dad was suddenly "1000 times better." We spoke the other night and he's getting better every day, to that's good! Most of my time at home was spent watching whatever horrible show my dad happened to have on. I must have watched at least 5-6 hours of shows in the "the worlds most blankiest blank" genre. What could be more wonderful than watching Gary Busy and Tanya Harding narrate shows like "The Words Stupidest Crimes" and " The Worlds Most Ridiculous Record Breakers." Oh wait... pretty much anything is better than that. So, once I realized that I didn't HAVE to watch the tv just because it was on I managed to read a book, finish season 5 of 30 Rock and I just recently started watching the Matt Smith episodes of Doctor Who. After about a week of sitting at home eating too much pie and sitting on the couch I went back to my home - once again ahead of some sort of epic storm that never really appeared. I picked up my roommate's dog on the way home and for about 4 days the two dogs were my only real company. It was sort of pathetic really. New Years Eve was kind of a disappointment. I had plans to go to either a party in Cheyenne or Denver but the roads were horrible and/or closed. I started feeling pretty bad for myself for a little bit but then decided to just make the best of it. I made myself some fun homemade mini pizzas, watched a movie, and then read a good book. At midnight I toasted the new year alone with a glass of sparkling white grape juice. That sounds pretty sad but it kind of worked for me. I actually have good feelings about 2011. I feel like some big changes are waiting for me this year.
So, my Utah boyfriend. I don't know about him. I haven't seen him in about a month and won't see him for another almost 3 weeks. We talk on the phone nightly and lately I've started to resent that we MUST talk on the phone EVERY night since it's the exact same conversation every night. He's driving home from work, I'm struggling to stay awake for just 30 minutes longer, it's hardly interesting conversation. Lately he's started to notice how distant I'm sounding, which is actually fairly perceptive on his part and we spent most of the last two days "discussing" things. My problem is that I don't see a happy ending for this relationship. We have spent 2 weekends together and I've only known him since mid October. He's convinced that we will eventually have a house and kids together. I have no idea why he thinks this since he barely knows me. It takes a LOT longer than 2 1/2 months to get to know and understand me. Plus he lives 6 hours away. I'm not moving there, he's not moving here, and we can barely mesh our schedules enough to see each other once a month. I'm usually an optimist but I just don't see how this could possibly work out. I suggested yesterday that we just slow things down, take the pressure off, and just concentrate on being friends and getting to know each other without the weight of "happily ever after" sitting on our shoulders. He interpreted this as me wanting to keep my options open in case I meet someone better. It's exactly the opposite really, I just want some of my time back so I can be selfish and do what I want without the obligation of some imaginary boyfriend in a different state weighing me down. I just want to be single and selfish and deal with my own life right now, thank you very much. Plus what is the point of a relationship when you don't see each other? I know he's terrified that I'll find someone "better" and dump him. He says so almost daily, which is sort of a mind fuck, and is starting to become a self fulfilling prophecy. The more he talks about how I'm settling on him and how I will probably meet someone better, the more I believe it. The funny thing is that until he started saying shit like that I was perfectly happy and content. I was head over heels in love with him in the beginning. Now... It's funny... I love him but I'm not sure I actually like him. The other day I tried to think of a list of reasons why I liked him and couldn't come up with a single thing. Not one. I know I should just break it off now and move on. I know it would devastate him but that's his problem for falling in love with someone that is imaginary. I think I'm just a shiny place holder for him since he doesn't really know me as well as he thinks. But then... there is that one tiny memory of how much I liked him in the beginning. There was a reason and there was a list of qualies that I loved about him. That has to still be true on some level, right? I honestly think that if he just backs off and lets things play out naturally I would be fine. I just hate feeling forced and I feel that way. Anyway... I just needed to vent.
In other news: I applied for a job in Arizona at my alma mater. It's a great job and I'm actually really qualified for it. Who knows if I get an offer or even an interview. Time will tell. Next week I start my last class. It won't be easy. I need to start reading for it tonight so I'm a little ahead of the game. I guess that's all. Time to make more coffee and then actually get some work done!
So, my Utah boyfriend. I don't know about him. I haven't seen him in about a month and won't see him for another almost 3 weeks. We talk on the phone nightly and lately I've started to resent that we MUST talk on the phone EVERY night since it's the exact same conversation every night. He's driving home from work, I'm struggling to stay awake for just 30 minutes longer, it's hardly interesting conversation. Lately he's started to notice how distant I'm sounding, which is actually fairly perceptive on his part and we spent most of the last two days "discussing" things. My problem is that I don't see a happy ending for this relationship. We have spent 2 weekends together and I've only known him since mid October. He's convinced that we will eventually have a house and kids together. I have no idea why he thinks this since he barely knows me. It takes a LOT longer than 2 1/2 months to get to know and understand me. Plus he lives 6 hours away. I'm not moving there, he's not moving here, and we can barely mesh our schedules enough to see each other once a month. I'm usually an optimist but I just don't see how this could possibly work out. I suggested yesterday that we just slow things down, take the pressure off, and just concentrate on being friends and getting to know each other without the weight of "happily ever after" sitting on our shoulders. He interpreted this as me wanting to keep my options open in case I meet someone better. It's exactly the opposite really, I just want some of my time back so I can be selfish and do what I want without the obligation of some imaginary boyfriend in a different state weighing me down. I just want to be single and selfish and deal with my own life right now, thank you very much. Plus what is the point of a relationship when you don't see each other? I know he's terrified that I'll find someone "better" and dump him. He says so almost daily, which is sort of a mind fuck, and is starting to become a self fulfilling prophecy. The more he talks about how I'm settling on him and how I will probably meet someone better, the more I believe it. The funny thing is that until he started saying shit like that I was perfectly happy and content. I was head over heels in love with him in the beginning. Now... It's funny... I love him but I'm not sure I actually like him. The other day I tried to think of a list of reasons why I liked him and couldn't come up with a single thing. Not one. I know I should just break it off now and move on. I know it would devastate him but that's his problem for falling in love with someone that is imaginary. I think I'm just a shiny place holder for him since he doesn't really know me as well as he thinks. But then... there is that one tiny memory of how much I liked him in the beginning. There was a reason and there was a list of qualies that I loved about him. That has to still be true on some level, right? I honestly think that if he just backs off and lets things play out naturally I would be fine. I just hate feeling forced and I feel that way. Anyway... I just needed to vent.
In other news: I applied for a job in Arizona at my alma mater. It's a great job and I'm actually really qualified for it. Who knows if I get an offer or even an interview. Time will tell. Next week I start my last class. It won't be easy. I need to start reading for it tonight so I'm a little ahead of the game. I guess that's all. Time to make more coffee and then actually get some work done!
Monday, December 20, 2010
So Long Yoda
My weekend was pretty relaxing but punctuated with awkward moments. Friday I went out with some new people that I work with. We had a couple drinks and some food and chatted. It was mildly awkward, but I think it was just me. I have found I'm far more awkward in social situations recently than I ever was in the past. I managed to awkwardly out myself to them but it was in such a subtle way that I have no idea if they both got it or not. Either way, it was awkward. Oh and to make matters even more awkward... My most recent local crush that hosted the drag party last week was there with his new boyfriend, who as it turns out teaches 4th grade and is incredibly nice. So there I was in the middle of two tables. At one table are two young women I work with but barely met that I just awkwardly came out to. At the other table is my most recent ex with his new boyfriend and all his friends. I should have just started drinking heavily but I took the "high road" and just powered though and then went home.
Saturday my roommate had a Christmas party. Almost all of my friends were already gone for the holidays so it was primarily his friends, which I'm actually starting to count as my own friends now. Only half the people he expected ended up showing so it was... you guessed it... awkward. We had tiny fancy pizza, a somewhat forced and lame white elephant gift exchange (where I decided to give my Lego Yoda alarm clock away from the previous post) and then people left by about 9:00. It actually wasn't so bad and I got an INXS greatest hits cd out of it, so that's not so bad.
My roommate left early Sunday morning and his cute little dog went to stay with some mutual friends until I get back from my parents house. They had some concerns about my parents dog eating her or something... I think she would have been just fine but it's a little less stressful to have to worry about both dogs for a couple weeks. My poor doggy was all sad last night. We had a fun morning together where she was all happy and friendly and cuddly but then sometime around noon she realized she was lonely and unhappy and started looking for my roommate and his dog to come home. It's going to be a long winter break if she spends all of it at her post by the front door waiting for their return.
In other news... I have no idea what to think of my Utah boy still. I hate that he lives so far away and since we only talk at night as he's driving home from work and all I want to do is go to bed I'm starting to forget why I even like him. He just talks about how much he hates his job and the (fat) people he works with and he gets all road rage-y and he changes the conversation topic pretty randomly and often so it's really hard to actually say anything half way interesting or meaningful. It's really starting to bug me that he NEVER asks about how my day was or what I've been doing. To start with I saw it as sort of an opportunity to learn how to converse a little better with people that don't ask questions but now I'm starting to get insulted since he just seems to genuinely not care. Which is odd... since he talks about how much he loves me and how the things I say are "cute" and he's clearly crazy about me but I am starting to wonder why he even thinks that since 80% of my conversation is "uh huh," "that sucks," "too bad," "yeah" and that sort of thing in response to his complaints about various things. And I know it's mostly just because nobody is at their best at 10:45 at night when they just get off work and are driving home but all those less than pleasant conversations are starting to erase any memory of why I even liked him to begin with. And last night I snapped a little. After the third time of being interrupted or shot down when I was attempting to steer the conversation away from how much he hates something I said something and hurt his feelings. But then we continued to chat for over 30 minutes until he got home and then instead of saying goodnight since it was almost 11:30 he asked if he could call me back later. I said I was going to bed and we could talk the next day and he ignored it. Midnight rolls around and he called. I swore under my breath and answered since I knew he would just try again in 10 minutes if I didn't and I wanted to get to sleep. He knows that I go to work at 8 in the morning EVERY day but somehow that doesn't translate into the fact that I have to be up by 7 and that means I would like to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. And it would be one thing if he had something relevant to say... but he had nothing to say... and just blathered on for five minutes while I was not even pretending to care and then he was genuinely upset when I told him it was midnight and I needed to get some sleep. But on the other hand all he wanted was to "hear my voice" because he "likes talking with me." That's sweet... but also super inconvenient since it's always on his terms. I think he's WAY more into me than I am to him and I don't even know why since he doesn't know that much about me and doesn't seem that interested in learning. How in the hell is this supposed to work out?
To let loose.
To let free.
To breath in.
To breath out.
Peace out.
Saturday my roommate had a Christmas party. Almost all of my friends were already gone for the holidays so it was primarily his friends, which I'm actually starting to count as my own friends now. Only half the people he expected ended up showing so it was... you guessed it... awkward. We had tiny fancy pizza, a somewhat forced and lame white elephant gift exchange (where I decided to give my Lego Yoda alarm clock away from the previous post) and then people left by about 9:00. It actually wasn't so bad and I got an INXS greatest hits cd out of it, so that's not so bad.
My roommate left early Sunday morning and his cute little dog went to stay with some mutual friends until I get back from my parents house. They had some concerns about my parents dog eating her or something... I think she would have been just fine but it's a little less stressful to have to worry about both dogs for a couple weeks. My poor doggy was all sad last night. We had a fun morning together where she was all happy and friendly and cuddly but then sometime around noon she realized she was lonely and unhappy and started looking for my roommate and his dog to come home. It's going to be a long winter break if she spends all of it at her post by the front door waiting for their return.
In other news... I have no idea what to think of my Utah boy still. I hate that he lives so far away and since we only talk at night as he's driving home from work and all I want to do is go to bed I'm starting to forget why I even like him. He just talks about how much he hates his job and the (fat) people he works with and he gets all road rage-y and he changes the conversation topic pretty randomly and often so it's really hard to actually say anything half way interesting or meaningful. It's really starting to bug me that he NEVER asks about how my day was or what I've been doing. To start with I saw it as sort of an opportunity to learn how to converse a little better with people that don't ask questions but now I'm starting to get insulted since he just seems to genuinely not care. Which is odd... since he talks about how much he loves me and how the things I say are "cute" and he's clearly crazy about me but I am starting to wonder why he even thinks that since 80% of my conversation is "uh huh," "that sucks," "too bad," "yeah" and that sort of thing in response to his complaints about various things. And I know it's mostly just because nobody is at their best at 10:45 at night when they just get off work and are driving home but all those less than pleasant conversations are starting to erase any memory of why I even liked him to begin with. And last night I snapped a little. After the third time of being interrupted or shot down when I was attempting to steer the conversation away from how much he hates something I said something and hurt his feelings. But then we continued to chat for over 30 minutes until he got home and then instead of saying goodnight since it was almost 11:30 he asked if he could call me back later. I said I was going to bed and we could talk the next day and he ignored it. Midnight rolls around and he called. I swore under my breath and answered since I knew he would just try again in 10 minutes if I didn't and I wanted to get to sleep. He knows that I go to work at 8 in the morning EVERY day but somehow that doesn't translate into the fact that I have to be up by 7 and that means I would like to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. And it would be one thing if he had something relevant to say... but he had nothing to say... and just blathered on for five minutes while I was not even pretending to care and then he was genuinely upset when I told him it was midnight and I needed to get some sleep. But on the other hand all he wanted was to "hear my voice" because he "likes talking with me." That's sweet... but also super inconvenient since it's always on his terms. I think he's WAY more into me than I am to him and I don't even know why since he doesn't know that much about me and doesn't seem that interested in learning. How in the hell is this supposed to work out?
To let loose.
To let free.
To breath in.
To breath out.
Peace out.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Meltdown
Today was a weird day. I feel better overall. Less stressed, my head is better, and I generally feel less horrible and S.A.D.-y. But today was still very weird and I was weird too.
The day started like a normal Tuesday. I got to work a couple minutes late, had some coffee, went to a meeting... no biggy. Except at the meeting it was announced that someone we work with was leaving. Not exactly breaking news since we all had known that for weeks. But then it was announced that someone that works with me would be picking up the slack by moving to another department. Let's call the person leaving "Smooze" and the person having to pick up the slack for him "Buzz." What makes this situation really awkward was that Smooze was going out of his way to get Buzz fired and now Smooze is leaving and Buzz gets to do two jobs to make up for it. Buzz was understandably upset about this situation, but to make matters worse... he found out the same time as the rest of us. He was never asked he was simply told. Never mind his contract... he now has a new job description for the next six months. He was visibly upset to the point of not even being able to clearly express his anger at the situation.
The managers where I work don't deal with change well. When even the most minor thing goes wrong they have one response - call a special meeting, invite none of the people most affected, come up with the least inspired solution possible, and then just wait for the people it affects to find out in ways that don't include actually telling them in person. If "Buzz" wasn't looking for a new job before, he probably is now and I wouldn't blame him. Actually, there are about 4 of us actively looking for new jobs.
Since one small thing changed at work, everyone was on edge. People that are normally very easy going started freaking out like the sky was falling. I was told to complete a tiny project by two different people before I had even finished my morning coffee. Granted, it needed to be done and was like 30 minutes worth of work but the way I was told to complete it indicated that if I didn't finish the missing text block for my exhibit then the entire universe would come to an abrupt and unpleasant end. This was the first of three such projects today. Each one was maybe 30 minutes worth of simple work but also THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER!!!!! So, that was weird and vaguely inconvenient.
My entire workplace seemed on the verge of a meltdown all day. My own meltdown didn't come along until around 7:43 this evening.
I was invited to a birthday party tonight. The birthday party of my most recent local crush from the days before my sweet Utah boy. We had a drink last week and that went well and we seemed to be figuring out this "being friends" thing, not that we were really ever anything other than friends. Oh, one other thing... it was a drag party. Sounds like fun but it was a Tuesday night and I have to work so I decided to go but to not go in drag. Asking all of your party guests to attend wearing special clothing, wigs, shoes, and makeup that will only be used once seems a little unreasonable so I figured I wouldn't be the only person to not show up in drag. I was. I have never in my life wished that I was stuffed into an ugly dress until tonight. It felt like I was a freshman in high school all over again. I doubt this still happens in many high schools, but when I went to school the seniors got to dress up the freshman during homecoming week and haze them. When I was a freshman, I was the only boy that wasn't dressed up. All my classmates were in awkward dresses and outfits except me, which was actually the only way to make the experience even more humiliating. And last night I got to relive that humiliation one more time. Additionally, I hadn't seen any of his friends in a couple of months and they were all in drag so I didn't recognize most people which added an additional level of awkward. AND to make matters worse he had a date that was basically my doppelganger only he was wearing a fabulous red dress. That was fine, I didn't care that he had moved on since I moved on myself but it does sting a bit to be preemptively dumped so that he could just be alone and not be in a relationship and then two months later he is dating some dude that looks a lot like me. After about twenty minutes I realized I was standing alone in a corner pretending to text and playing with the dog. That is the height of socially awkward. So, I made a very transparent excuse and got the hell out of there.
I felt awkward going home so soon so I went to Walmart and purchased a Lego Yoda alarm clock. Don't ask me why... I just needed it. Somehow buying something completely unnecessary made me feel better. I think I'll put it in my new office unless I give it away as a white elephant gift. Who am I kidding? I'm keeping it.
The day started like a normal Tuesday. I got to work a couple minutes late, had some coffee, went to a meeting... no biggy. Except at the meeting it was announced that someone we work with was leaving. Not exactly breaking news since we all had known that for weeks. But then it was announced that someone that works with me would be picking up the slack by moving to another department. Let's call the person leaving "Smooze" and the person having to pick up the slack for him "Buzz." What makes this situation really awkward was that Smooze was going out of his way to get Buzz fired and now Smooze is leaving and Buzz gets to do two jobs to make up for it. Buzz was understandably upset about this situation, but to make matters worse... he found out the same time as the rest of us. He was never asked he was simply told. Never mind his contract... he now has a new job description for the next six months. He was visibly upset to the point of not even being able to clearly express his anger at the situation.
The managers where I work don't deal with change well. When even the most minor thing goes wrong they have one response - call a special meeting, invite none of the people most affected, come up with the least inspired solution possible, and then just wait for the people it affects to find out in ways that don't include actually telling them in person. If "Buzz" wasn't looking for a new job before, he probably is now and I wouldn't blame him. Actually, there are about 4 of us actively looking for new jobs.
Since one small thing changed at work, everyone was on edge. People that are normally very easy going started freaking out like the sky was falling. I was told to complete a tiny project by two different people before I had even finished my morning coffee. Granted, it needed to be done and was like 30 minutes worth of work but the way I was told to complete it indicated that if I didn't finish the missing text block for my exhibit then the entire universe would come to an abrupt and unpleasant end. This was the first of three such projects today. Each one was maybe 30 minutes worth of simple work but also THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER!!!!! So, that was weird and vaguely inconvenient.
My entire workplace seemed on the verge of a meltdown all day. My own meltdown didn't come along until around 7:43 this evening.
I was invited to a birthday party tonight. The birthday party of my most recent local crush from the days before my sweet Utah boy. We had a drink last week and that went well and we seemed to be figuring out this "being friends" thing, not that we were really ever anything other than friends. Oh, one other thing... it was a drag party. Sounds like fun but it was a Tuesday night and I have to work so I decided to go but to not go in drag. Asking all of your party guests to attend wearing special clothing, wigs, shoes, and makeup that will only be used once seems a little unreasonable so I figured I wouldn't be the only person to not show up in drag. I was. I have never in my life wished that I was stuffed into an ugly dress until tonight. It felt like I was a freshman in high school all over again. I doubt this still happens in many high schools, but when I went to school the seniors got to dress up the freshman during homecoming week and haze them. When I was a freshman, I was the only boy that wasn't dressed up. All my classmates were in awkward dresses and outfits except me, which was actually the only way to make the experience even more humiliating. And last night I got to relive that humiliation one more time. Additionally, I hadn't seen any of his friends in a couple of months and they were all in drag so I didn't recognize most people which added an additional level of awkward. AND to make matters worse he had a date that was basically my doppelganger only he was wearing a fabulous red dress. That was fine, I didn't care that he had moved on since I moved on myself but it does sting a bit to be preemptively dumped so that he could just be alone and not be in a relationship and then two months later he is dating some dude that looks a lot like me. After about twenty minutes I realized I was standing alone in a corner pretending to text and playing with the dog. That is the height of socially awkward. So, I made a very transparent excuse and got the hell out of there.
I felt awkward going home so soon so I went to Walmart and purchased a Lego Yoda alarm clock. Don't ask me why... I just needed it. Somehow buying something completely unnecessary made me feel better. I think I'll put it in my new office unless I give it away as a white elephant gift. Who am I kidding? I'm keeping it.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Blerg
(I've been watching waaaaayyy too much 30 Rock lately.)
I've not felt right for a week or two. I think my seasonal affective disorder is starting to get to me. But I'm all moved into my new "office" at work so maybe that will help. It's just the cubicle next to the one I've always had but at least it has an awkwardly placed narrow window slit to let some natural light into my space. So, I guess that's an improvement. Work has been about the same as always. I'm working on some vaguely interesting projects and kind of just putting in my time. Someone resigned last week and will be gone in January. Who knows if we get his position back to be able to hire someone new. My supervisor was quizzing me about what my "ideal" job would be and if I was interested in becoming faculty. I think a couple of people will be attempting to get me promoted and a new job created for me in the coming year. That is really sweet and flattering but at the same time I'm not entirely sure I want to stick around long enough for that to be worth their effort. Course... I assume they are going to the effort to get me to stay. It's hard to explain to them that if I do leave, it's not because of my job. I actually like my job. I just don't make nearly enough, I hate how isolated I feel most of the time, and honestly... I hate going home to an eccentric Eastern European roommate rather than a boyfriend or a spouse and I don't see myself meeting "Mr. Right" while I'm living here. (More on "the perfect job" and dating later.)
I've had a headache for almost a week. It started last Tuesday afternoon and it's just about gone now. I think it started as a stress headache and then persisted because I was dehydrated and didn't realize it. Someone suggested that I might be dehydrated yesterday so I drank water like a fish the rest of the day and actually felt better last night. But the original cause was most certainly stress. I hadn't realized just how much I had been holding in since I'm usually a very open person but sometime in the last two or three weeks I just closed up and quit sharing. So... here is the brain dump:
My dad was at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN for a week to have a tumor removed from his kidney. It was large and cancerous but luckily it was slow growing and had not spread. He kept the kidney (you can live with one but he's diabetic so he needs both) and it hadn't spread so he doesn't need any chemo or radiation. Thank God for that. He also has a spot on his lung (so thankfully he had to quit smoking) and he had "something" removed from his eye. I have no idea what was removed, it seemed like a last minute thing and I never got the entire story other than the fact that my dad didn't get an eye patch and he wanted one. So, that was stressful enough and then I had to worry about my mom driving my dad home through 2 states, which wouldn't be an issue except she's on a ton of pain medication for her messed up back and nerve damage. She sometimes just falls asleep. So for two days I had to worry about them traveling home safely. Luckily they brought my grandma with them and she drove across half of South Dakota. She hates driving, by the way.
Other stress factors: School and graduating. I was taking one class and had a final paper due last Thursday. I waited until the last minute to start writing it of course. I started the research in early October but waited until the week it was due to actually start writing the paper so that was stressful. It was made even worse because I HAVE to get an A+++++++++ on it so that I get an A in the class and can graduate in May without having to take additional classes. No pressure or anything. My last class is still being taught in the spring semester as far as I know but if I have a B in either class I'll need an additional credit to be able to graduate. I also have to deal with all the other department graduation requirements next semester, the paperwork, the committees, the language requirement, the thesis, the defense, and who knows what other bullshit they will throw my way.
Other stress: I have a boyfriend in Salt Lake City. That sounds weird to me but it's true. He came here to visit me and I went there two weekends ago to visit him. I HATED the drive. It was around 6 hours and boring as hell. I was stressed the entire way there and the entire way back since I need new back tires and the weather wasn't exactly bad but it wasn't exactly good either. I'm still not sure what to think of him. I fell in love with him almost instantly, which is weird but true. I don't know why though. He is a great guy and super sweet but there were a few times when I was with him in SLC that I was not entirely sure I even liked him. He's kind of the class clown at times and always trying to get attention, which is irritating if you are the only one around and you grew up hating the class clown because you were often the source of his material. But we had a talk at one point and he admitted that he's been acting strangely since I intimidate him. I find it hard to believe that anyone could be intimidated by me, but he's not the first to say so. He's so clearly in love with me and terrified that I won't like him back that he's trying too hard. If he would just calm down and be himself things would be easier. I swore I would never be in another long distance relationship and this one is absurdly long distance. I'm not sure what to do or think. He's great but it's impossible to properly get to know someone that you only see once a month. But... at the same time I really like this guy. I don't know why, but I do. I just feel comfortable around him and he does make me laugh when he's not trying. And when he's just still and himself I find myself falling in love with him. This all scares me a lot.
In other news... I was making my usual online rounds of looking at what jobs are being offered and noticed that what could be called my "ideal job" is being offered at my old university in Arizona. It's basically all the best parts of my current job without all the parts I hate, with a huge raise. I'm about 95% qualified for it and if I just sold myself properly I would seem like the ideal candidate for the position. But... I'm not sure how I would feel about living in Flagstaff again. I was so unhappy there but that was due to my own personal issues of coming out. My final semester there was pretty good though. But even with that aside, I'm not sure Flagstaff is an improvement over my current situation. It's slighly larger, the weather is similar, the political climate is similar, but it's not exactly a large city and the gay population isn't all that large. I would be making a lot more money and working at a really cool job so maybe just a slight improvement is better than nothing. It doesn't solve the going home to an empty house problem though. And it is even further from SLC. Course... that can never work out unless one of us moves to be with the other and that can never really happen until I feel that might work and that can't work until I get to know him better and that can't happen until we can spend more time together... so that little cycle can't really end unless something changes and someone (me) takes a leap of faith.
See why I've felt insane for the last couple weeks?! Too much. But writing this all out actually made me feel better. I feel like maybe I was just letting a lot of small things pile up. Ok, most of those are pretty huge things but my parents are safely at home, my dad is recovering, my class is over, I might as well apply for the job at NAU and just see what happens, and as far as my guy in SLC... I don't know. I just need to take things a day at a time and see what happens.
To let loose.
To let free.
To breath in.
To breath out.
Peace out.
I've not felt right for a week or two. I think my seasonal affective disorder is starting to get to me. But I'm all moved into my new "office" at work so maybe that will help. It's just the cubicle next to the one I've always had but at least it has an awkwardly placed narrow window slit to let some natural light into my space. So, I guess that's an improvement. Work has been about the same as always. I'm working on some vaguely interesting projects and kind of just putting in my time. Someone resigned last week and will be gone in January. Who knows if we get his position back to be able to hire someone new. My supervisor was quizzing me about what my "ideal" job would be and if I was interested in becoming faculty. I think a couple of people will be attempting to get me promoted and a new job created for me in the coming year. That is really sweet and flattering but at the same time I'm not entirely sure I want to stick around long enough for that to be worth their effort. Course... I assume they are going to the effort to get me to stay. It's hard to explain to them that if I do leave, it's not because of my job. I actually like my job. I just don't make nearly enough, I hate how isolated I feel most of the time, and honestly... I hate going home to an eccentric Eastern European roommate rather than a boyfriend or a spouse and I don't see myself meeting "Mr. Right" while I'm living here. (More on "the perfect job" and dating later.)
I've had a headache for almost a week. It started last Tuesday afternoon and it's just about gone now. I think it started as a stress headache and then persisted because I was dehydrated and didn't realize it. Someone suggested that I might be dehydrated yesterday so I drank water like a fish the rest of the day and actually felt better last night. But the original cause was most certainly stress. I hadn't realized just how much I had been holding in since I'm usually a very open person but sometime in the last two or three weeks I just closed up and quit sharing. So... here is the brain dump:
My dad was at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN for a week to have a tumor removed from his kidney. It was large and cancerous but luckily it was slow growing and had not spread. He kept the kidney (you can live with one but he's diabetic so he needs both) and it hadn't spread so he doesn't need any chemo or radiation. Thank God for that. He also has a spot on his lung (so thankfully he had to quit smoking) and he had "something" removed from his eye. I have no idea what was removed, it seemed like a last minute thing and I never got the entire story other than the fact that my dad didn't get an eye patch and he wanted one. So, that was stressful enough and then I had to worry about my mom driving my dad home through 2 states, which wouldn't be an issue except she's on a ton of pain medication for her messed up back and nerve damage. She sometimes just falls asleep. So for two days I had to worry about them traveling home safely. Luckily they brought my grandma with them and she drove across half of South Dakota. She hates driving, by the way.
Other stress factors: School and graduating. I was taking one class and had a final paper due last Thursday. I waited until the last minute to start writing it of course. I started the research in early October but waited until the week it was due to actually start writing the paper so that was stressful. It was made even worse because I HAVE to get an A+++++++++ on it so that I get an A in the class and can graduate in May without having to take additional classes. No pressure or anything. My last class is still being taught in the spring semester as far as I know but if I have a B in either class I'll need an additional credit to be able to graduate. I also have to deal with all the other department graduation requirements next semester, the paperwork, the committees, the language requirement, the thesis, the defense, and who knows what other bullshit they will throw my way.
Other stress: I have a boyfriend in Salt Lake City. That sounds weird to me but it's true. He came here to visit me and I went there two weekends ago to visit him. I HATED the drive. It was around 6 hours and boring as hell. I was stressed the entire way there and the entire way back since I need new back tires and the weather wasn't exactly bad but it wasn't exactly good either. I'm still not sure what to think of him. I fell in love with him almost instantly, which is weird but true. I don't know why though. He is a great guy and super sweet but there were a few times when I was with him in SLC that I was not entirely sure I even liked him. He's kind of the class clown at times and always trying to get attention, which is irritating if you are the only one around and you grew up hating the class clown because you were often the source of his material. But we had a talk at one point and he admitted that he's been acting strangely since I intimidate him. I find it hard to believe that anyone could be intimidated by me, but he's not the first to say so. He's so clearly in love with me and terrified that I won't like him back that he's trying too hard. If he would just calm down and be himself things would be easier. I swore I would never be in another long distance relationship and this one is absurdly long distance. I'm not sure what to do or think. He's great but it's impossible to properly get to know someone that you only see once a month. But... at the same time I really like this guy. I don't know why, but I do. I just feel comfortable around him and he does make me laugh when he's not trying. And when he's just still and himself I find myself falling in love with him. This all scares me a lot.
In other news... I was making my usual online rounds of looking at what jobs are being offered and noticed that what could be called my "ideal job" is being offered at my old university in Arizona. It's basically all the best parts of my current job without all the parts I hate, with a huge raise. I'm about 95% qualified for it and if I just sold myself properly I would seem like the ideal candidate for the position. But... I'm not sure how I would feel about living in Flagstaff again. I was so unhappy there but that was due to my own personal issues of coming out. My final semester there was pretty good though. But even with that aside, I'm not sure Flagstaff is an improvement over my current situation. It's slighly larger, the weather is similar, the political climate is similar, but it's not exactly a large city and the gay population isn't all that large. I would be making a lot more money and working at a really cool job so maybe just a slight improvement is better than nothing. It doesn't solve the going home to an empty house problem though. And it is even further from SLC. Course... that can never work out unless one of us moves to be with the other and that can never really happen until I feel that might work and that can't work until I get to know him better and that can't happen until we can spend more time together... so that little cycle can't really end unless something changes and someone (me) takes a leap of faith.
See why I've felt insane for the last couple weeks?! Too much. But writing this all out actually made me feel better. I feel like maybe I was just letting a lot of small things pile up. Ok, most of those are pretty huge things but my parents are safely at home, my dad is recovering, my class is over, I might as well apply for the job at NAU and just see what happens, and as far as my guy in SLC... I don't know. I just need to take things a day at a time and see what happens.
To let loose.
To let free.
To breath in.
To breath out.
Peace out.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Been a While-ish
I guess I'm leaving in a couple hours to see my guy in Utah. I've gone back and forth and up and down about him since he visited me a couple weeks ago. I'm sure I'm over thinking everything since I do that. I suspect I'm going to have a wonderful time with him. We had a lot of fun while he was here and the issues I've been worrying about only pop up over the phone. I hate talking on the phone. I hate struggling to come up with conversation topics when he calls at 10:45 at night and I'm happy to hear his voice but I really just want to go to sleep. I hate that we both fill empty space on the phone with random shit that pops into our heads. I hate that he's leaving his job and driving home when we talk since that's pretty much when we are all at our worst. I hate that I don't understand his humor sometimes. And I am concerned that at least some of the time when he's "joking" about something he actually means it but gets to play it off as a joke while actually saying what he means. I wish I could come up with an example... I guess I should take that as an indication that I'm probably over thinking the situation. Anyway, I have some reservations about this drive/ trip and I'm trying to vent them before I leave so that I can get there with a fresh head. I don't want to sabotage myself so I know I have to arrive happy to see him and give the weekend a fair chance to play out properly. It's a beautiful day and I'm kind of looking forward to the drive. Once I'm there I think he has several fun things planned and I might run into a couple of old friends. Ultimately, I'm sure this will be a fun weekend and a nice diversion from my regular life for a while. Yeah... I think that's a good frame... no need to stress out about imaginary issues. I can do that when I get back home on Sunday. ;-)
To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.
To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Bursting with Change, Then Not...
So... my Utah man has come and gone. I can't believe someone actually drove over six hours on snowy, icy roads just to see me. He got here around 1:00 in the morning Thursday night/ Friday morning and it was just like he was getting home. Not weird, not awkward, just good. It should have been awkward since it was the middle of the night and we went to bed like an hour later, but it wasn't. I think I kissed him less than 10 minutes after he got in the door. That's pretty unlike me. Well, maybe not... chemistry is instant and 100% or not at all with me. We spent a great weekend together not really doing anything at all. It was wonderful. I'm still kind of reeling and trying to figure it all out. For a fraction of a second I allowed myself to think "wow, this could really be the one..." and that really should have scared me but it didn't and then THAT did scare me. ;-) I'm dumb. I was so excited that the first thing I did on Monday morning was find and apply for a job where he lives. I was playing it off as no big deal (and it is a perfect job for me) but inside I was kind of getting excited about the prospect of leaving and possibly having a real relationship with someone that seems great. I had it all planned out... I was going to get the job, I was going to move, it was all going to somehow work out in spite of the fact that I don't have enough money to be able to survive a move. I was going to get there and take one credit of something to keep my degree open and then my last class was supposed to be an online class over the summer and then I was going to be done with my degree and not have to suffer through one more winter in Siberia alone and cold. It was an exciting (if a little irrational) prospect.
Then yesterday happened. It seemed like wonderful news... and it was. I got to work late after sort of accidentally over sleeping. I got to my office without anyone really noticing that I was late and a few minutes later I got an email. The email said something about how another student requested the class I need to graduate and that they were going to offer it to her as a readings course and that I could take it too if I wanted. I was momentarily pissed that I was an afterthought after two years of bitching and begging to take this class. But then I realized... HOT DAMN, I'm going to be done a semester sooner than I expected! I was all excited and it seemed to work out perfectly since it's a readings class... that meant one reading each week for 15 weeks and a review. Heck, I can do that ANYWHERE! Yay! The universe allowed me roughly 24 hours of bliss... thinking I was going to graduate early and get away and live happily every after and SOON! Then the other shoe dropped. There is a discussion aspect to the class. A weekly, mandatory discussion... and it's on Friday morning... every Friday morning from January through April. That kills any and all chance of leaving this dump any time soon. It also kills any chance of spending any significant amount of time with the Utah guy since his days off are Friday and Saturday.
I feel sort of stupid now... falling in love in one weekend... making plans to move for a guy... actually applying for a job that is perfect and would start in around the start of the new year. It was exciting and fresh and unexpected and made me happy. And now... it's all gone. I feel like I should be happy and I will be happy since I'm getting exactly what I've wanted for almost two years. I get to take my last class and graduate and that's wonderful! I guess it just sucks to give up a better dream... one that I usually don't let myself indulge in.
To let loose,
To let free,
To breath in,
To breath out,
Peace out.
Then yesterday happened. It seemed like wonderful news... and it was. I got to work late after sort of accidentally over sleeping. I got to my office without anyone really noticing that I was late and a few minutes later I got an email. The email said something about how another student requested the class I need to graduate and that they were going to offer it to her as a readings course and that I could take it too if I wanted. I was momentarily pissed that I was an afterthought after two years of bitching and begging to take this class. But then I realized... HOT DAMN, I'm going to be done a semester sooner than I expected! I was all excited and it seemed to work out perfectly since it's a readings class... that meant one reading each week for 15 weeks and a review. Heck, I can do that ANYWHERE! Yay! The universe allowed me roughly 24 hours of bliss... thinking I was going to graduate early and get away and live happily every after and SOON! Then the other shoe dropped. There is a discussion aspect to the class. A weekly, mandatory discussion... and it's on Friday morning... every Friday morning from January through April. That kills any and all chance of leaving this dump any time soon. It also kills any chance of spending any significant amount of time with the Utah guy since his days off are Friday and Saturday.
I feel sort of stupid now... falling in love in one weekend... making plans to move for a guy... actually applying for a job that is perfect and would start in around the start of the new year. It was exciting and fresh and unexpected and made me happy. And now... it's all gone. I feel like I should be happy and I will be happy since I'm getting exactly what I've wanted for almost two years. I get to take my last class and graduate and that's wonderful! I guess it just sucks to give up a better dream... one that I usually don't let myself indulge in.
To let loose,
To let free,
To breath in,
To breath out,
Peace out.
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