I need a nap

It's been quite a while since I posted anything here. I think my last post was over a month ago and I have no idea what it said so I'm just going to hit the major points of what has been going on in my life lately, so pretty much the same as always. I finished my classes with seconds to spare. I managed to give myself food poisoning (I think from a Wendy's hamburger) so I was incredibly sick for about 3-4 days during finals week but I managed to finish everything up "mostly" in time. In spite of my last minute slacker-ish ways I still got A's in all of my classes which bumped my GPA well over the requirement. I thought I would have to take one more class over the summer but it seems the history department either changed their requirements or just forgot what they were. That means I'm just a handful of signatures and a couple of weeks of thesis revisions away from being done with my MA. It doesn't seem real yet. I was this close four years ago and everything fell apart so I'm not celebrating just yet. Besides, my adviser has gone missing for the last two weeks. I begged to be assigned a different adviser because I knew this would happen. I guess I'll just have to continue to be persistent until I get what I need. I have until August 5th to get everything done but realistically I could be done by July and that would be pretty awesome!

Work has been about the same lately. My favorite work friend just recently accepted another job offer and will be leaving in a few weeks. That makes me sad. He's the second person to leave in less than a year and at least 3 others (including me) have been actively trying to get away for months. Hopefully this will send a message to the "higher ups" that we are not being paid anything close to what we should be. (Something like $15,000 less than the national average.) I haven't decided if I'm going to apply for his job or not. It would pay slightly more, be slightly more work, and be a nicer sounding title. The work itself would not be significantly different but I guess it would expand my qualifications somewhat. I'm a little hesitant to go through that stress when I already have one foot out the door. There is also a job opening in Utah that I am considering but equally unsure of. Maybe I'll apply for both and keep my options open.

I went to a conference in Utah a week ago. I was there for five days and only went to the conference because 1) I have to spend my travel budget to spend before July 1st and, 2) I wanted to spend time with my boyfriend on his birthday and this was a good way to justify the time and expense. The conference itself was painful. It was 8 hours of classes that had little relevance to my interests and goals. Boyfriend turned 30 and we spent a lot of time together in spite of his having to work a couple days while I was there. I was going to surprise him by leaving Friday so I could go to his big birthday bash but he just kept persisting and pushing and asking when I was leaving and I couldn't lie to him that many times so I had to finally spill the beans and admit that I was going to leave in time for his party instead of the next day, like I had been telling him. I got no credit for trying to surprise him or even for the extra effort of leaving a day early, instead I was told to leave an hour earlier than I planned on so that we wouldn't be late for anything. It was kind kind of cold and businessy and I felt like maybe some other emotions were in order. I got there with almost 2 hours to spare and we hung out watching tv in that time. He then bought an energy drink that should probably not be legal since it had something like 300 mg of caffeine and after drinking it he turned into a hyperactive 12 year old, which made the rest of the evening more than a little irritating but I held my tongue since it was his birthday party. The rest of the trip was better but I still alternated between feelings of extreme irritation at his lack of maturity and feelings of affection when he was actually acting like a mature adult. It pains me to say it, but I was actually kind of glad to be going home by the end of the trip and that's not a good thing. Relationships are so complicated. I really do love him but there are times when I can't stand to be around him. The best way I can explain it is that he sometimes out of the clear blue turns into this junior high class clown and does stupid things trying to get a laugh and that sort of behavior pissed me off when I was 13, it's even less funny at 30. He knows it's not funny but instead of stopping he tries harder to force the issue. "Yes, I heard what you said... it wasn't funny the first time so I don't know why it would be funny the 3rd or 4th time. I'm ignoring you for a reason." I had a long chat with my mom last night. I was planning on bringing Boyfriend home for a long weekend in June. This would be the first guy I've ever brought home and I'm not sure I want to anymore. He's a great guy, and I hoped this behavior was just temporary since I didn't notice it when we first met but it's starting to seem this is who he really is and he was just not being his full immature self when we first met. If that's the case... I'm not sure how this is going to work. I'm certainly not moving to a different state to be with the class clown that I went out of my way to avoid for most of my life.

I'm sure I'm being too hard on him. I know I'm hard on my friends and even harder on my boyfriends. They have to live up to impossible expectations and I am the spin master. I can talk myself into or out of anything and I can make someone sound horrible or wonderful drawing from the same events and characteristics. Now I have to determine if I'm just being too hard on him or if his corny joking is really as offensive as I'm making it seem in my head.

I think I'm just cranky and restless. It's supposed to be spring and I've only seen the sun for brief moments for almost two weeks. I want to go somewhere and do something but I don't know where or what and I don't want to drive to do it. Actually, what I really want is to stay home and be left alone for at least a day if not three. I need my own apartment but I don't want the commitment of a lease. I think once again I've reached the point that I need to make a decision and just go with it. (Or maybe several.)

To let loose,
to let free,
to breathe in,
to breathe out,

Peace out.

Breathing Again

I was at home Friday after work. It was about 6:00 and my phone rang. I recognized the number as being an NAU number. I had a mini panic attack and opted to not answer. I knew it was someone calling about the job I interviewed for and I knew they wouldn't call at 6:00 on a Friday if it was good news. A job offer would have come earlier in the week. It was kind of a chicken move but I was right. She left a voice mail saying they had offered the job to another candidate and that they had accepted. She went on to say lots of very kind things about meeting me and the interview. I had prepared myself for the worst and the best without really deciding what that meant. I instantly felt a wave of relief since it sucks to be stuck in limbo for two months not knowing where you'll be living come June. But then I was oddly sad. I'm not sure I wanted the job and I certainly didn't want to decline the job but I sill kind of wanted to be given the option and for them to want me. I should just leave it at that. I learned so much from the interview process and I feel really great about getting as far as I did in such a competitive position. But it's hard to not have thoughts like: "why didn't they want me?" or "what did I do wrong in my interview?" None of that is productive though.

So, here I am. There are worse places. It's almost spring and now I'm better prepared and know more about what I want out of a job. Honestly, I think I would have been bored in that position and left within two years. They might have suspected as much.

Now I don't have to worry about moving. I have a beautiful summer to look forward to. I can finish this semester and my last summer class without the pressure of having a job riding on it.

I'm relieved and feel like I can easily manage to finish this semester. Utah is coming this weekend, so it will be nice to see him. Just a couple weeks of classes left then I can relax for a few weeks before starting my LAST class!

To let loose,
to let free,
to breathe in,
to breathe out.

Peace out.

Hot Mess

I call a do-over for today. I'm tired and crabby and I didn't sleep well last night. Also, whiny. I have roughly 10 days to complete nearly everything for my classes. It's going to be rough, but I think it will happen. The horrible one credit field class of death is coming along-ish. My internship should be done this week, possibly tonight if I get my rear in gear. My three credit readings class is rolling right along. Just two books left to review and some sort of assessment paragraph thingy to prove that I learned something. Wow, now that I outline everything it seems like I might actually survive this semester after all!

Work has been rough this week. Not because I'm busy but because I took the end of last week off and it's hard to build up momentum for some reason. I'm not sure I got anything done yesterday. I ended up leaving early to do homework but even that didn't work out quite like I planned and I wasted most of 2 hours doing who-knows-what. We have a long pointless meeting this afternoon, so that's going to kind of ruin any momentum from this morning. Oh well.

Still no word from NAU. It's been 2 1/2 weeks since they made their decision. They said it would be 2-3 weeks before I heard anything. So... that means any day. I know they had to do a background check first. Still no decision on what I will actually do if they offer. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

The boyfriend is doing well. Actually, things are pretty darn good with us right now. I wish we didn't have to wait so long between trips to see each other and I'm really worried about us both running out of vacation time... but I'm confident something will work out. I have no idea what, or how, or when... but I'm staying optimistic.

I had so much fun last weekend. I helped with a Gay Straight Alliance (GSA) summit and met some amazing high school students. Then I went to a big gay dance Friday night. I wish I didn't have to go alone but I had a ton of fun with my friends. I had no idea how MIA I've been. The running theme of the evening was "where have you been?! I haven't seen you in forever!" I had a couple of beers (something I haven't done in a month or so) and danced my little heart out with my friends. I needed that. It's been ages since I went out or did anything even remotely social.

Ok, well this didn't say anything but I still wanted to write it. I'm off to eat my scrumptious Greek yogurt now. Mango today. Mmm...

A Little Update-y

I seem to have recovered from the cold/ plague that I had all last week. I'm still a little stuffy but not bad. This week has been oddly productive. I seem to have found the magical time that I'm most productive and started to make use of it. It seems if I leave work at 3:30 or 4:00 and go to the library I can work nonstop until I get hungry at about 7:00ish. Too bad I'm going to be busy with the Shepard Symposium/ GSA Summit Thursday and Friday night and unable to take advantage of my magical productivity time! But tonight, oh yes... tonight I will be doing SOOO much homework!

Still no word from Arizona. It should be the end of this week or sometime next week before I hear anything at all. I'm still totally unsure if they are going to make an offer and I'm even less sure if I would accept the offer. Ultimately, I would accept the offer because it pays more... not because I would love the job significanly more than my current job or the town more than where I currently live. It's hard to put a price on what it is worth to have to move away from everyone I know. But... I also don't really want to stay where I'm at indefinatly and jobs like this don't come along often. Tricky.

Things are still going well with Utah. I miss him terribly, which surprises me for some reason. I don't know why that should surprise me. I guess it's the amount that I miss him that surprises me, not the fact that I miss him at all. He's going to come to visit in a couple weeks and I think I'll go to Salt Lake City again toward the end of the month. I really wish we could figure out a way to be closer.

Busy week with finishing up homework and projects. Lots of stuff going on this weekend. Should be fun and exciting!

Could you stop the ride? I would like off please...

So much going on...

I went back to my alma mater for an interview about 10 days ago. I flew out on Saturday, got in a couple hours early because I got on an earlier flight, checked in to a hotel that was nothing more than a parking lot when I was a student 6 years ago, then went for a walk around campus. So many new buildings had popped up over the years that I actually had trouble finding my old dorm and got a little lost. I'm glad to see that campus has thrived since I left. I spent Sunday polishing my presentation and didn't have anything to do until a 5:15 dinner with the woman that would be my boss, the dean of the library, and the associate dean of the library. All I knew was that I was supposed to meet someone named Karen in the lobby of my hotel at 5:15. At 5:10 I went down to the lobby to wait. At 5:13 a woman wearing an NAU lapel pin came through the doors, looked around, made eye contact with me, and then went to stand by some couches. She seemed to be looking for someone but she didn't seem to think I was the person she was looking for. I made a lap of the lobby, found no one else, and just asked the woman "are you Karen?" She replied with "I thought you would be older." I wasn't sure how to reply... We left the hotel, I got in her blue Subaru and she asked "what did you say your name was again?" I told her my name and thought "wow, you can just take me to the airport... I'm done." She admitted that she thought she was looking for someone else and that she had the wrong information and didn't know anything about me. So... I started rattling off information hoping something would jog her memory... graduated from NAU... came from Wyoming... nothing? She asked if I had a PhD in business... no... MA in History... She talked about the new College of Business building... I was confused. Finally she asked "what job are you applying for?" Turns out she was picking up someone applying to be the dean of the college of business. Two women named Karen both driving blue Subarus picking up two guys at the same hotel at 5:15. What are the odds? She drove me back to the hotel, saw the other Karen (the one I was supposed to be with) and they gave each other a hug, made a joke about stealing candidates and then I was off with the proper Karen. It was pretty funny. The actually interview process was about 8 hours long and included a full day of meetings, interviews, a lunch, tours, a presentation, and more Q&A sessions than I thought possible. It was exhausting but overall very pleasant. I flew out very early the next day and was home by mid afternoon.

Some thoughts on the interview, being back at NAU, and the prospect of moving back to Arizona:
It was amazing to be back at NAU in that capacity. I was so unhappy there as a student and somehow knew I would have to go back and face some demons but wasn't sure in what context. On some level I was afraid to find the person I was when I lived there - a depressed, self hating, person struggling to find himself and not liking what he was finding. I don't know why that person would still be in Arizona, he doesn't exist anymore. Instead, I found that Flagstaff is actually very gay friendly and that I was surrounded by resources that I never took advantage of. It seems like a great place to live. I'm still not sure I want to live there... but there are certainly much worse places. It will probably be another week before I hear if I have a job offer or not. I'm still not sure if I would take it. I've gone back and forth on this one since I left. The job itself is a huge promotion and pays considerably more. The work would be somewhat less interesting and much more narrowly defined. Their collections are maybe 1/10th of what I'm used to and fall into a very sharply defined collecting field. The people seem nice, the library is beautiful, the town is good, but I'm not sure it's what I want. It's hard for me to determine what would be best since my only comparison is to my current job, which I fully plan on leaving no matter what. So now I'm comparing this potential new job to an imaginary life yet to be determined. And in spite of a firm resolution to not let him be... my boy in Utah is now a factor. I think he might move to Arizona to be with me but I hate to ask that. It's too much pressure on a relationship to move somewhere you don't want to be for the sake of the other person's career. Which brings me to the second half of this blog...

After returning home from my interview I turned around and left again about 24 hours later and made the 5 1/2 hour drive to Salt Lake City to spend 5 days with my boyfriend. The timing of this trip was bad since I didn't really have time to take another 5 days off after taking 4 off to go to Arizona but I did it anyway. The drive there was uneventful and sunny. I got to his house and was so happy to see him! We went out for sushi at this really interesting place that used to be a church but is now a sushi bar. We had great conversation and then went home. The next day we went to Ikea together. This is something he's been wanting to do for some time and once we were there he admitted he wanted to go to Ikea with me to get a feel of what it would be like to be married and go shopping for home furnishings. Aw... :-) We pretend shopped for home furnishings, he bought me finger puppets (which I put up a fight about but secretly really wanted) and then we went to Whole Foods and bought a few groceries. Later that night we went to this amazing Cajun place for dinner. We each had a beer and regretted it and ate way too much food, which we also regretted. It was fun though. We chatted and ate and I loved it. The next day we went to the aquarium and petted sting rays and star fish and watched some penguins swim around. The sting ray felt like a giant wet mushroom, the star fish was surprisingly rigid, and the penguins were cute! We ended up at an English tea house and had sausage rolls, a first for me but very good with HP sauce. After that we drove around and randomly ended up going to a movie. We saw Paul (which was a lot of fun and oddly enough set in my home town "sorta"). After the movie I think we went home and ate some leftovers. At some point we went out to some clubs and I met a few of his friends. Neither one of us drank and we got kind of tired so we didn't stay out long. The next day we went to Park City. We ate at an amazing Irish pub, where I had the best corned beef sandwich of all time. We shopped a little and then headed home to rest for a bit before having dinner with his two best friends at this great gay owned Mediterranean place. We had some amazing kebabs and then went out for bubble tea, another first for me. It was sweet and kind of gross but fun at the same time. There was a poetry slam going on, which I got kind of defensive of. It is really easy to make fun of a poetry slam if you've never gone to one but I have friends that do it so I felt sort of protective, which caused a bit of a squabble that was later resolved - the first and only fight of the weekend. Half way through my bubble tea I started feeling a little under the weather and the next day I woke up with a cold. We were supposed to go out to a birthday party at a club but we didn't stay long since I wasn't feeling well. The next day we slept in and kind of just laid low. We had a late lunch at this huge salad bar buffet, which was sort of lame but I loved. We relaxed all afternoon, watching movies and cuddling. We were supposed to have dinner with some of his friends but we canceled and stayed in to eat leftovers. The next day I had to go home in the snow with a cold. I hated it. I almost turned around half a dozen times but knew the longer I stayed the harder it would be to leave.

I got home and felt like I left an appendage behind. It is really shocking to me how much I miss him. In retrospect, I spent 5 days with him and we never left each others sides for more than a few minutes and I didn't get tired of him. That's a big deal for me. I get sick of people and I generally want some alone time. I'm falling for this dude, and hard. I'm just not sure what to do with that. I want to be with him in the same town and maybe even live with him but I don't know how to make that work. We both have jobs that we don't especially love... but they are good enough that it's hard to leave without something else waiting. Plus I don't want to move for him and I don't want him to move for me... so that complicates matters. It's a leap of faith that has to be made carefully to avoid resentment. I don't want to stay here and I've said that for years but I'm not sure how to leave either. Anyway... it's been a roller coaster the last couple weeks with no slowing down for a while. I have SOOO much homework to get done in the next 3 weeks, it's kind of daunting. I'll get there though, I always do.

To let loose,
To let free,
To breathe in,
To breathe out,
Peace out.

Narf...

I don't remember being this tired for so long ever before in my life. I have no idea why I'm even tired. I've been getting enough sleep but I wake up in the morning just exhausted. I'm reasonably sure it's just stress. I feel like I have more on my plate than I'm able to deal with and that's a heavy feeling. Realistically, I just need to deal with one thing at a time. This week (before the end of the day tomorrow) I need to finish an article review, read and review a second article, finish my presentation for my job interview in Flagstaff, and pack. Then it's off to Arizona for a few days. I'll get there a day early so I should be able to just relax and unwind in the hotel room and polish my presentation. Sunday night the interview process starts with dinner with the head of special collections and the dean of the library. That shouldn't be so bad. Then the process starts at 8:30 the next day with a tour of the library followed by a full day of meetings and interviews capped off by a presentation and then a tour of campus and then I'm off the hook at 5:00. I'll get up early the next morning and fly home. I should be back in town by early/mid afternoon. That will give me part of Tuesday and some of Wednesday to catch up on some work, go to class, pack again, and then make the 6 hour drive to Salt Lake City. I'm torn on this trip. It sounds really relaxing and fun and I'm sure I'll have a great time... but I don't have 5 days to dink around. When I get home I'm going to have to hit the ground running. I will have roughly 4 weeks to finish and present my thesis, complete an entire internship, finish my other two classes, and potentially pack all my shit and move my life to Arizona.

Part of me hopes they don't offer me this job. But part of me is a huge coward too. Change is scary but I can't stay where I'm at forever. I've been in an entry level job for almost four years making so little that the only place I can afford to live is a rented room owned by an eccentric Czech. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE where I live but it's temporary. My stuff is 80% in boxes and some day I'm going to need to grow up and get my own place again.

I guess I need to just stop thinking ahead and live for today. I don't need to finish the entire semester today. Today all I need to do is finish a powerpoint presentation, add a page and a half to a review, and read a 20 page article. No big deal. Tomorrow all I have to do is pack a bag and write a 3 page review. Also no big deal. The day after I have to travel to Flagstaff on someone else's dollar and then hang out in a hotel. Not so bad.

I realize this blog post isn't that interesting. It's basically my way of calming myself down and screaming into the dark.

So, new tune: Yay, I was invited for a job interview at a cool place and I'm getting a free trip to my alma mater! Yay, I made the cut from 200+ people to 2-3 people! Yay, I get to go to Salt Lake City and spend a few days with my amazing boyfriend and go to a Holi Festival (something I've wanted to do for years)! Yay! Fun times! No need to think about what comes after since I'll be caught up before I go and I'll deal with the rest when I get back.

Wow, that actually worked and I feel better...

To let loose,
to let free,
to breathe in,
to breathe out.
Peace out.

Breate in... breathe out... rinse and repeat...

Ok, so I'm so stressed today that I actually feel a little sick. I have a TON to get done, so naturally I'm wasting my time writing a blog. But writing helps me to sort things out and feel less insane, so... there you have it!

Classes
My 1 credit historic preservation class continues to be a huge pain in the ass and take more time than my other 4 credits combined. Just a month to go and it's over though...
My 3 credit readings class isn't actually so bad. I'm kind of enjoying it even though it is a lot of reading. (Imagine that?) I'm barely holding on by the skin of my teeth but I am keeping up and doing well, which is good since this class is VITAL to my graduation.
My 1 credit internship... well, I haven't actually even started this work yet. Once I get going I can blast it out in a productive afternoon, I hope.

Work
I'm getting quite a bit done but I feel like I have a lot more on my plate than normal. I'm "helping" with an exhibit that will go up this summer but so far I'm not even sure what the exhibit is about or what my role is. I'm co curating it, but so far it's someone else's baby but it's still quite a bit of work.

Relationship
Oh Utah... sometimes he is so bat shit crazy that I don't know what to do with him. Sometimes he is so sweet that I can't imagine what I did to deserve him. We fought a lot yesterday. For the life of me, I couldn't tell you what we were fighting about but it wasn't fun. We did resolve everything, I think. Sometimes we are just a little too similar. He's basically me circa 2006/2007. He does so many of the same things I did in my last serious relationship except now I'm on the recieving end. All in all, he's wonderful but I wish he would just calm down and not rush things.

Possible New Job
I applied for a job in Arizona at the suggestion of my supervisor a couple months ago. I had a phone interview about a month ago. They contacted my references two weeks ago. Last Friday, they called to set up an on site interview. I'm so excited but I'm also sooo scared. This job sound perfect for me, it pays well, the people seem really nice, I loved this library when I was a student there... buuuuttt... It's scary to pack up your life and move somewhere. It's especiallys cary to move to somewhere you spent the most miserable year of your life, even if that had nothing to do with the area. And it's even scarier to move to ARIZONA! ;-) My current job is pretty much never going to pay more and it is exceptionally unlikely that I'll move up the ladder. Something had to change eventually, why not this? I've been "leaving" for years and now that it's looking like a possibility, I'm scared. Plus there is Utah. He is NOT ok with the idea of me moving to Arizona. But to be fair this job application process has been going on almost as long as I've known him and it's not like I was really itching to move to Mormon-ville. (Is that the next Zynga game?!) I guess as far as this relationship goes... something was bound to give. One or both of us has to move. Why can't this be the reason? Ultimately, he's going to have to get on board with this or not. There isn't really a middle ground.

Thoughts on Leaving
It's funny thinking that I might not be here in June. I've sort of felt myself letting go of certain things and it's liberating and scary at the same time. I love the church I belong to and it's sad to think I might not be here to see how the congregation grows and changes. It's nice to think I might not have to deal with another winter in Siberia but Flagstaff is just as snowy and unpredictable, just not quite as cold and windy. Then there are friends and relationships I've build up over the years... I will miss people so much... but now I'm about to make myself cry and I've not even been given a job offer. Sheesh...

So anyway... I guess this all seems managable again. I just need to use my time wisely, not think too much, and just take things one step at a time.

To let loose,
To let free,
To breathe in,
To breathe out,
Peace out.

Now I'm Like All Wise 'n Shit

Being 30 makes me feel like I should be a "grown up" now. I had no idea that my parents (and really all adults I ever met in my life) were just faking it all along. I don't feel any older or wiser. I guess that's half good at least. ;-)

I had a great birthday party this weekend. Over 30 people showed up at some point. Utah was here and pampered me all weekend. I'm not sure I could have asked for anything more on my 30th birthday!

Things are still complicated with Utah though. I feel almost guilty that I'm not as in love with him as he obviously is with me. I do love him but I guess I'm just a little more hesitant. We've only known each other since October. It is kind of comforting but also terrifying to think that he could be "the one." I guess it's best to just go with it and see what happens. I am happy and that's all that matters in the end.

Still no word from Arizona about the job. It's odd that they would be going to so much trouble behind the scenes but not actually contact me for almost a month. Oh well... all in time.

My dad seems to be in good spirits in spite of everything. He's back at Mayo's and might lose a kidney this week but the doctors were pretty convinced he would be fine with just one. It will be good to just have some sort of ending to this health scare. If he does have a kidney removed I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to go home this summer/spring for a couple of weeks and boot camp my parents. My dad has a horrible diet and my mom doesn't do anything to discourage him. If I'm going to adopt an Asian baby my dad damn well better be around to spoil it! (That's still totally unconfirmed... but I would like to adopt some day.)

So that's my update. I'm still crazy busy with classes but significantly less stressed than I was last week.

To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.

Still in the Running

I found out this morning that my references are being contacted this week for the job I interviewed for a few weeks ago. I assumed I was out of the running since I hadn't heard anything for several weeks and they indicated that they would be moving very quickly. I forgot that in the academic world "very quickly" means "not quite at a glacial speed." I'm not sure how I feel about this. I was almost relieved to think I was no longer being considered. It pays so much more and is a really cool job. The people that interviewed me seemed cool too. But... I have a cool job and work with cool people now so it would essentially be the money. Is it worth moving that far for (a lot) more money?

Then there is the "Utah" factor. He's made it very clear that he's not happy about this situation. It's only a little over an hour further but it's already an insanely long drive. To me "long distance is long distance" no matter what. But he seems to have some unspoken idea that I will move to be with him or "somehow" "something" is going to happen and we will end up in the same place. I think he would view my accepting this job (which hasn't been offered yet) as me choosing another destination over him. I don't see it that way as there is no offer for me in Utah and if it's so incredibly important that we be together he could consider moving for me if I'm making significantly more money than either of us currently is. I don't know... I'm just thinking out loud (in a blog). I hate to say it... but this job in Arizona is really really unique and desirable as Utah's job is incredibly common. It would be like a specialized civil rights lawyer giving up his job to be with his partner that works at Target. It just doesn't make sense. Oh well. Time will tell.

In other news... I turn 30 on Saturday. I'm not really worried about it. It's not like I will magically turn ancient over night. I'll still be immature and angst ridden when I'm 50! ;-) I'm having a big party and Utah is supposed to drive here to see me. He was supposed to leave tomorrow (Wednesday) and leave early on Sunday morning but he texted this morning saying he's broke until he gets paid on Friday so he might have to wait until then to come. This seems weird to me since he just has to pay for gas and he has a super efficient car that can go like 800 miles on $40. I have a hard time believing he can't scrape up $20 to get here since I will gladly keep him fed on Wednesday and Thursday. Maybe this is one of those weird "surprise" things. Seems odd.

In other other news... I got an iPhone yesterday. I love it! LOVE! <3 <3 <3 I'm not sure I'm important enough to justify needing to know if I got an email while I'm sitting on the toilet or watch a youtube video while waiting for a meeting... but it's nice to have the option. ;-)

Slow Down, Please?

I'm starting to think I took on way too much this semester. I'm taking 5 credits but it's really closer to 9 credits worth of work - which is a full time grad student. I'm working full time and actually doing work that needs to be done in a timely fashion. I'm working on a major exhibit with the associate director and that's going to be time consuming. I am barely keeping up with my homework. I am keeping up... but it's close. Narf... I can haz May?

Things are still going well with Utah. He's been really busy too so we haven't spoken much but he's planning on coming for my birthday in a week and a half. I'm actually kind of excited about turning 30. I'm having a big fun party. I need a pleasant distraction for a little while.

In other news, I just ordered an iPhone. I'm pretty excited about it! It should be here on or right after my birthday. This will also mean I'll finally be off of my parents contract so I will be 100% independent from them. They don't care. It just seems like at 30 I shouldn't need to depend on them for this sort of thing. Plus I think they are pretty stressed about money as it is...

My dad is back at the Mayo Clinic. He had surgery to remove a small tumor from his kidney a few months ago and the incision is not healing. They installed a second drain tube so that it can heal up. (I have no idea what it means to install a drain tube, but it sounds scary.) They are giving him 3 weeks to start healing and if he doesn't... they are going to have to take the kidney. That's pretty damn scary. He's diabetic, over weight, smokes, and is generally in poor health. They won't put him on a donor list unless he's on dialisis and healthier. This means if he had to get a kidney transplant it would have to come from a relative - enter his two sons. I don't want to even think about the prospect of being asked for a kidney. My dad has to go back to work by mid April or he'll lose his job. My poor mom is beside herself since they can't afford their house on just her salary. I wish I could be there when they get home on Monday so that I could at least help out around the house for a while... but I'm insanely busy and can't get away until May.

I'm sure it will all work out. It's just scary and I don't deal with this sort of thing well. The last time around I didn't tell anyone. And apparently I didn't even explain to Utah what was going on with my dad until a couple days ago. I didn't realize that I sometimes withdraw and keep things to myself when I don't want to deal with them. I guess I shouldn't be surprised... I didn't even admit to myself that I'm gay until I was in my 20's.

To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.

No More Games

Let's see... where did we last leave off in the saga of my dating life? It seems our hero (me) was whining about how crazy his boyfriend seemed to be and how needy he was being about everything. The needy boyfriend was going to drive from Utah just to see spend time with the whiny one (me) and there was a great deal of concern.

This was the third weekend we spent together and it was by far the best. He drove 6 hours, got a speeding ticket, and skated over icy roads that were closing behind him just to see me. He got here Wednesday night, later than he anticipated but still considerably earlier than the last time he visited me. We had big plans of going to the library so we could both get our homework out of the way but he didn't get here until about 11 so he had a slice of cold pizza (since I'm a horrible host and didn't have anything better prepared) and we went to bed. It felt nice to go to have someone in bed with me that wasn't a stinky dog that sheds like crazy.

The next morning we slept in and cuddled. I am a sucker for cuddling. We had a conversation about the recent drama and fighting and he managed to say the one thing that somehow made everything all better in my crazy head. Durring the height of our big fight I asked him hypothetically if he could be my friend if things went south. This was a test of sorts... I wanted him to say that yes we would stay friends no matter what but I soon realized this was a cruel thing to do to him. He delicately answered that he might be too hurt to stay friends but he would be willing to try after a certain amount of time. Last week in bed he further explained that he didn't want to just be my friend, he wants to be my best friend and that he realizes dating someone in a different state is difficult but he wants to make the effort.

It is difficult and I do have concerns and he does come across as a little crazy and needy sometimes but how often do you find someone willing to drive 300 miles just to spend the weekend with you? How often do you find someone that you can open up to and feel comfortable with after only a few months? How often do you find someone willing to make changes to his own life just to accomodate you? All along I was focusing on the few small differences that we have, rather than the many things we have in common. It's rare to find someone that wants all the same things out of life and is willing to compromise and work with you to get those things. So, just like that I stopped playing games. No more tests, no more doing things just to see how he would react... I let my guard down for the first time in years and let him into my life uninhibited. It was and still is terrifying but it's wonderful at the same time. And since doing that, he's been considerably less needy, and he's stopped playing games as well. It's so nice to look forward to talking to him and to be happy to find a text saying nothing more than "I love you" or "I miss you." Those same texts would have freaked me out and made me angry a week ago. Not now.

The rest of the weekend was great. We stayed in town and did some shopping. We went to the grocery store together. We went on a fun little day trip together. We cooked together and it all just worked. Simple. It's amazing what a difference a week can make.

I still have some very real concerns about how this can possibly all work out, but now I'm willing to try to let it work. We might both get hurt in the end, but at least we'll know we tried. Honestly, at the moment knowing that I COULD work out is just as scary as knowing that it might not. Time will tell.

In other news; the weather sucks, it's been insanely cold, I've heard nothing more about the job I interviewed for almost 2 weeks ago, and classes are kicking my ass.

I'm currently sitting in a computer lab "doing homework." I thought maybe a blog post would somehow inspire me to write a brilliant review of this boring article I'm reading. We'll see.

I guess that's my anthem these days... "We will see."

Relationships Are Like All Hard and Stuff

So, it's been a while since my last post. A lot has happened. Work is more or less the same except I've been busting my butt to get the collection I'm working on finished up. It's a super fun collection of science fiction and monster movie memorabilia. It's kind of nice to go to work and be excited about working and actually trying to be productive, rather than just passing time.

I applied to a job a month or so ago. It was sort of a shot in the dark since it's a really good job and pays much more. I am totally qualified for it but didn't really expect an interview. I had a phone interview last Friday. It was pretty unexpected but really exciting. It was a bit awkward since I took the phone interview in my office at work because I don't have a land line at home and I figured it would be a quiet place. It consisted of three people on a speaker phone asking me a series of 18 questions. I would ramble on about whatever the topic was while they took notes so it was kind of hard to have it be so one sided but I think I did well. I'm not sure if I'll get a second interview or an offer since they need someone immediately. I'm stuck where I am until late April or early May. No matter what, it was really flattering to make their short list since I'm sure they got well over 100 applications.

Classes have started. I'm taking too many credits. My three credit class is less horrible than I thought it would be. My one credit historic preservation class is WAY more work than it should be and could end up being a bigger pain in the ass than my three credit class and internship combined. The internship is going to take time but not be especially difficult. It will feel good to finish up in May, even though I'll still need one more three credit class to formally graduate. I'll probably just take something "fun" over the summer - maybe an online class.

So, I guess I'm still "seeing" the guy in Utah. It's been just a little over three months since we met. We had this huge fight Saturday and I came within a fraction of an inch of dumping him. It's odd that I would even need to dump him considering we've spent two weekends together and I've had longer relationships with bottles of ketchup. But... we also talk on the phone daily, text, chat online... so I guess it is a long distance relationship of sorts. - Just one that is hyper charged and premature. So, here is my issue. He's the neediest person ever. EVER. He sends texts all the time saying things like "I love you" or "I miss you" and I know the only acceptable reply is to say the same back. After about the 3rd or 4th time in a day I get tired of constantly reassuring him and either don't reply at all or reply with a question like "how is your day going?" This happened on Saturday and it upset him. He felt like I ignored his text. I didn't ignore it, I just didn't play his game and reassure him for the 10,000th time that I miss him. At that moment, I didn't miss him. He had called me twice before that and we had texted back and forth all day. I was actually a little relieved that he was hosting a movie party and I could have a few hours to myself. The ensuing fight was ugly. I came across as a huge prick since he took the stance of "I just love you and want to be with you" and I had to be the realistic ass hole that questioned how on earth a relationship where we are six hours apart could possibly work. His faith that it can and will work out is sweet but I can't say that I share it.

So, then why didn't I dump him? I honestly don't know. I've come close a few times but something always stops me. For all his neediness it is really nice that he thinks of me so highly and cares about me so much. I feel like he is kind of living in a fairy tale but that blind faith that everything will be ok is endearing too. Plus the last time we had a fight I finally just spilled everything that was bothering me and he quit doing those things. They were petty but he just flat out stopped. It's rare to find a guy that is willing to make changes and adjustments to make a relationship work - I can't say I'm willing to do that even. Plus I guess there are the subconscious things. Both dogs love him and they only love a very small number of people. He listens and remembers small things. When I stop being a dick and just let him into my life, even for just a little bit, I find that we have a lot in common and ultimately want the same things in life. And we just "fit" together well. When we hold hands or sleep together things just mesh up and it feels like we were supposed to be together like that all along. I know it's cheesy and mushy but this is coming from the same guy that prefers to sleep alone because I don't want to be touched while sleeping. And with him... I actually like cuddling all night and waking up together.

So... I don't know how it could possibly work out. I don't want to move to Utah and I would never ask anyone to move here but maybe there is a third or even a fourth option. I have nobody locally that I want to date. I guess I'm not loosing much by giving him a chance. Sure, in the past I've hated the feeling of having to talk to him on the phone nightly and reply to umpteen thousand texts but I also never mentioned that to him until our big fight and he said he wouldn't be hurt if we didn't speak every night. Somehow just knowing that makes me want to talk to him. God, I'm a psycho... What does it say about me that I only want people that don't want me and a totally sweet and thoughtful guy that is crazy about me is a turn off?

Or maybe he really is just a crazy person. Only time will tell.

To let loose.
To let free.
To breath in.
To breath out.
Peace out.

Updates 'n Stuff

I had a nice Christmas with my family. I drove home a day early due to the typical hysteria we go through about the weather. There was a big storm and supposedly another on the way. My drive home was uneventful other than the fact that it took 6 hours instead of the normal 4 1/2. My dad is still recovering from surgery and was not feeling very well for the first few days I was home. My parents were actually planning on flying back to Mayo's on the Monday after Christmas to have him looked at again. But then the day after Christmas my dad was suddenly "1000 times better." We spoke the other night and he's getting better every day, to that's good! Most of my time at home was spent watching whatever horrible show my dad happened to have on. I must have watched at least 5-6 hours of shows in the "the worlds most blankiest blank" genre. What could be more wonderful than watching Gary Busy and Tanya Harding narrate shows like "The Words Stupidest Crimes" and " The Worlds Most Ridiculous Record Breakers." Oh wait... pretty much anything is better than that. So, once I realized that I didn't HAVE to watch the tv just because it was on I managed to read a book, finish season 5 of 30 Rock and I just recently started watching the Matt Smith episodes of Doctor Who. After about a week of sitting at home eating too much pie and sitting on the couch I went back to my home - once again ahead of some sort of epic storm that never really appeared. I picked up my roommate's dog on the way home and for about 4 days the two dogs were my only real company. It was sort of pathetic really. New Years Eve was kind of a disappointment. I had plans to go to either a party in Cheyenne or Denver but the roads were horrible and/or closed. I started feeling pretty bad for myself for a little bit but then decided to just make the best of it. I made myself some fun homemade mini pizzas, watched a movie, and then read a good book. At midnight I toasted the new year alone with a glass of sparkling white grape juice. That sounds pretty sad but it kind of worked for me. I actually have good feelings about 2011. I feel like some big changes are waiting for me this year.

So, my Utah boyfriend. I don't know about him. I haven't seen him in about a month and won't see him for another almost 3 weeks. We talk on the phone nightly and lately I've started to resent that we MUST talk on the phone EVERY night since it's the exact same conversation every night. He's driving home from work, I'm struggling to stay awake for just 30 minutes longer, it's hardly interesting conversation. Lately he's started to notice how distant I'm sounding, which is actually fairly perceptive on his part and we spent most of the last two days "discussing" things. My problem is that I don't see a happy ending for this relationship. We have spent 2 weekends together and I've only known him since mid October. He's convinced that we will eventually have a house and kids together. I have no idea why he thinks this since he barely knows me. It takes a LOT longer than 2 1/2 months to get to know and understand me. Plus he lives 6 hours away. I'm not moving there, he's not moving here, and we can barely mesh our schedules enough to see each other once a month. I'm usually an optimist but I just don't see how this could possibly work out. I suggested yesterday that we just slow things down, take the pressure off, and just concentrate on being friends and getting to know each other without the weight of "happily ever after" sitting on our shoulders. He interpreted this as me wanting to keep my options open in case I meet someone better. It's exactly the opposite really, I just want some of my time back so I can be selfish and do what I want without the obligation of some imaginary boyfriend in a different state weighing me down. I just want to be single and selfish and deal with my own life right now, thank you very much. Plus what is the point of a relationship when you don't see each other? I know he's terrified that I'll find someone "better" and dump him. He says so almost daily, which is sort of a mind fuck, and is starting to become a self fulfilling prophecy. The more he talks about how I'm settling on him and how I will probably meet someone better, the more I believe it. The funny thing is that until he started saying shit like that I was perfectly happy and content. I was head over heels in love with him in the beginning. Now... It's funny... I love him but I'm not sure I actually like him. The other day I tried to think of a list of reasons why I liked him and couldn't come up with a single thing. Not one. I know I should just break it off now and move on. I know it would devastate him but that's his problem for falling in love with someone that is imaginary. I think I'm just a shiny place holder for him since he doesn't really know me as well as he thinks. But then... there is that one tiny memory of how much I liked him in the beginning. There was a reason and there was a list of qualies that I loved about him. That has to still be true on some level, right? I honestly think that if he just backs off and lets things play out naturally I would be fine. I just hate feeling forced and I feel that way. Anyway... I just needed to vent.

In other news: I applied for a job in Arizona at my alma mater. It's a great job and I'm actually really qualified for it. Who knows if I get an offer or even an interview. Time will tell. Next week I start my last class. It won't be easy. I need to start reading for it tonight so I'm a little ahead of the game. I guess that's all. Time to make more coffee and then actually get some work done!

So Long Yoda

My weekend was pretty relaxing but punctuated with awkward moments. Friday I went out with some new people that I work with. We had a couple drinks and some food and chatted. It was mildly awkward, but I think it was just me. I have found I'm far more awkward in social situations recently than I ever was in the past. I managed to awkwardly out myself to them but it was in such a subtle way that I have no idea if they both got it or not. Either way, it was awkward. Oh and to make matters even more awkward... My most recent local crush that hosted the drag party last week was there with his new boyfriend, who as it turns out teaches 4th grade and is incredibly nice. So there I was in the middle of two tables. At one table are two young women I work with but barely met that I just awkwardly came out to. At the other table is my most recent ex with his new boyfriend and all his friends. I should have just started drinking heavily but I took the "high road" and just powered though and then went home.

Saturday my roommate had a Christmas party. Almost all of my friends were already gone for the holidays so it was primarily his friends, which I'm actually starting to count as my own friends now. Only half the people he expected ended up showing so it was... you guessed it... awkward. We had tiny fancy pizza, a somewhat forced and lame white elephant gift exchange (where I decided to give my Lego Yoda alarm clock away from the previous post) and then people left by about 9:00. It actually wasn't so bad and I got an INXS greatest hits cd out of it, so that's not so bad.

My roommate left early Sunday morning and his cute little dog went to stay with some mutual friends until I get back from my parents house. They had some concerns about my parents dog eating her or something... I think she would have been just fine but it's a little less stressful to have to worry about both dogs for a couple weeks. My poor doggy was all sad last night. We had a fun morning together where she was all happy and friendly and cuddly but then sometime around noon she realized she was lonely and unhappy and started looking for my roommate and his dog to come home. It's going to be a long winter break if she spends all of it at her post by the front door waiting for their return.

In other news... I have no idea what to think of my Utah boy still. I hate that he lives so far away and since we only talk at night as he's driving home from work and all I want to do is go to bed I'm starting to forget why I even like him. He just talks about how much he hates his job and the (fat) people he works with and he gets all road rage-y and he changes the conversation topic pretty randomly and often so it's really hard to actually say anything half way interesting or meaningful. It's really starting to bug me that he NEVER asks about how my day was or what I've been doing. To start with I saw it as sort of an opportunity to learn how to converse a little better with people that don't ask questions but now I'm starting to get insulted since he just seems to genuinely not care. Which is odd... since he talks about how much he loves me and how the things I say are "cute" and he's clearly crazy about me but I am starting to wonder why he even thinks that since 80% of my conversation is "uh huh," "that sucks," "too bad," "yeah" and that sort of thing in response to his complaints about various things. And I know it's mostly just because nobody is at their best at 10:45 at night when they just get off work and are driving home but all those less than pleasant conversations are starting to erase any memory of why I even liked him to begin with. And last night I snapped a little. After the third time of being interrupted or shot down when I was attempting to steer the conversation away from how much he hates something I said something and hurt his feelings. But then we continued to chat for over 30 minutes until he got home and then instead of saying goodnight since it was almost 11:30 he asked if he could call me back later. I said I was going to bed and we could talk the next day and he ignored it. Midnight rolls around and he called. I swore under my breath and answered since I knew he would just try again in 10 minutes if I didn't and I wanted to get to sleep. He knows that I go to work at 8 in the morning EVERY day but somehow that doesn't translate into the fact that I have to be up by 7 and that means I would like to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. And it would be one thing if he had something relevant to say... but he had nothing to say... and just blathered on for five minutes while I was not even pretending to care and then he was genuinely upset when I told him it was midnight and I needed to get some sleep. But on the other hand all he wanted was to "hear my voice" because he "likes talking with me." That's sweet... but also super inconvenient since it's always on his terms. I think he's WAY more into me than I am to him and I don't even know why since he doesn't know that much about me and doesn't seem that interested in learning. How in the hell is this supposed to work out?

To let loose.
To let free.
To breath in.
To breath out.
Peace out.

Meltdown

Today was a weird day. I feel better overall. Less stressed, my head is better, and I generally feel less horrible and S.A.D.-y. But today was still very weird and I was weird too.

The day started like a normal Tuesday. I got to work a couple minutes late, had some coffee, went to a meeting... no biggy. Except at the meeting it was announced that someone we work with was leaving. Not exactly breaking news since we all had known that for weeks. But then it was announced that someone that works with me would be picking up the slack by moving to another department. Let's call the person leaving "Smooze" and the person having to pick up the slack for him "Buzz." What makes this situation really awkward was that Smooze was going out of his way to get Buzz fired and now Smooze is leaving and Buzz gets to do two jobs to make up for it. Buzz was understandably upset about this situation, but to make matters worse... he found out the same time as the rest of us. He was never asked he was simply told. Never mind his contract... he now has a new job description for the next six months. He was visibly upset to the point of not even being able to clearly express his anger at the situation.

The managers where I work don't deal with change well. When even the most minor thing goes wrong they have one response - call a special meeting, invite none of the people most affected, come up with the least inspired solution possible, and then just wait for the people it affects to find out in ways that don't include actually telling them in person. If "Buzz" wasn't looking for a new job before, he probably is now and I wouldn't blame him. Actually, there are about 4 of us actively looking for new jobs.

Since one small thing changed at work, everyone was on edge. People that are normally very easy going started freaking out like the sky was falling. I was told to complete a tiny project by two different people before I had even finished my morning coffee. Granted, it needed to be done and was like 30 minutes worth of work but the way I was told to complete it indicated that if I didn't finish the missing text block for my exhibit then the entire universe would come to an abrupt and unpleasant end. This was the first of three such projects today. Each one was maybe 30 minutes worth of simple work but also THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER!!!!! So, that was weird and vaguely inconvenient.

My entire workplace seemed on the verge of a meltdown all day. My own meltdown didn't come along until around 7:43 this evening.

I was invited to a birthday party tonight. The birthday party of my most recent local crush from the days before my sweet Utah boy. We had a drink last week and that went well and we seemed to be figuring out this "being friends" thing, not that we were really ever anything other than friends. Oh, one other thing... it was a drag party. Sounds like fun but it was a Tuesday night and I have to work so I decided to go but to not go in drag. Asking all of your party guests to attend wearing special clothing, wigs, shoes, and makeup that will only be used once seems a little unreasonable so I figured I wouldn't be the only person to not show up in drag. I was. I have never in my life wished that I was stuffed into an ugly dress until tonight. It felt like I was a freshman in high school all over again. I doubt this still happens in many high schools, but when I went to school the seniors got to dress up the freshman during homecoming week and haze them. When I was a freshman, I was the only boy that wasn't dressed up. All my classmates were in awkward dresses and outfits except me, which was actually the only way to make the experience even more humiliating. And last night I got to relive that humiliation one more time. Additionally, I hadn't seen any of his friends in a couple of months and they were all in drag so I didn't recognize most people which added an additional level of awkward. AND to make matters worse he had a date that was basically my doppelganger only he was wearing a fabulous red dress. That was fine, I didn't care that he had moved on since I moved on myself but it does sting a bit to be preemptively dumped so that he could just be alone and not be in a relationship and then two months later he is dating some dude that looks a lot like me. After about twenty minutes I realized I was standing alone in a corner pretending to text and playing with the dog. That is the height of socially awkward. So, I made a very transparent excuse and got the hell out of there.

I felt awkward going home so soon so I went to Walmart and purchased a Lego Yoda alarm clock. Don't ask me why... I just needed it. Somehow buying something completely unnecessary made me feel better. I think I'll put it in my new office unless I give it away as a white elephant gift. Who am I kidding? I'm keeping it.

Blerg

(I've been watching waaaaayyy too much 30 Rock lately.)

I've not felt right for a week or two. I think my seasonal affective disorder is starting to get to me. But I'm all moved into my new "office" at work so maybe that will help. It's just the cubicle next to the one I've always had but at least it has an awkwardly placed narrow window slit to let some natural light into my space. So, I guess that's an improvement. Work has been about the same as always. I'm working on some vaguely interesting projects and kind of just putting in my time. Someone resigned last week and will be gone in January. Who knows if we get his position back to be able to hire someone new. My supervisor was quizzing me about what my "ideal" job would be and if I was interested in becoming faculty. I think a couple of people will be attempting to get me promoted and a new job created for me in the coming year. That is really sweet and flattering but at the same time I'm not entirely sure I want to stick around long enough for that to be worth their effort. Course... I assume they are going to the effort to get me to stay. It's hard to explain to them that if I do leave, it's not because of my job. I actually like my job. I just don't make nearly enough, I hate how isolated I feel most of the time, and honestly... I hate going home to an eccentric Eastern European roommate rather than a boyfriend or a spouse and I don't see myself meeting "Mr. Right" while I'm living here. (More on "the perfect job" and dating later.)

I've had a headache for almost a week. It started last Tuesday afternoon and it's just about gone now. I think it started as a stress headache and then persisted because I was dehydrated and didn't realize it. Someone suggested that I might be dehydrated yesterday so I drank water like a fish the rest of the day and actually felt better last night. But the original cause was most certainly stress. I hadn't realized just how much I had been holding in since I'm usually a very open person but sometime in the last two or three weeks I just closed up and quit sharing. So... here is the brain dump:

My dad was at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN for a week to have a tumor removed from his kidney. It was large and cancerous but luckily it was slow growing and had not spread. He kept the kidney (you can live with one but he's diabetic so he needs both) and it hadn't spread so he doesn't need any chemo or radiation. Thank God for that. He also has a spot on his lung (so thankfully he had to quit smoking) and he had "something" removed from his eye. I have no idea what was removed, it seemed like a last minute thing and I never got the entire story other than the fact that my dad didn't get an eye patch and he wanted one. So, that was stressful enough and then I had to worry about my mom driving my dad home through 2 states, which wouldn't be an issue except she's on a ton of pain medication for her messed up back and nerve damage. She sometimes just falls asleep. So for two days I had to worry about them traveling home safely. Luckily they brought my grandma with them and she drove across half of South Dakota. She hates driving, by the way.

Other stress factors: School and graduating. I was taking one class and had a final paper due last Thursday. I waited until the last minute to start writing it of course. I started the research in early October but waited until the week it was due to actually start writing the paper so that was stressful. It was made even worse because I HAVE to get an A+++++++++ on it so that I get an A in the class and can graduate in May without having to take additional classes. No pressure or anything. My last class is still being taught in the spring semester as far as I know but if I have a B in either class I'll need an additional credit to be able to graduate. I also have to deal with all the other department graduation requirements next semester, the paperwork, the committees, the language requirement, the thesis, the defense, and who knows what other bullshit they will throw my way.

Other stress: I have a boyfriend in Salt Lake City. That sounds weird to me but it's true. He came here to visit me and I went there two weekends ago to visit him. I HATED the drive. It was around 6 hours and boring as hell. I was stressed the entire way there and the entire way back since I need new back tires and the weather wasn't exactly bad but it wasn't exactly good either. I'm still not sure what to think of him. I fell in love with him almost instantly, which is weird but true. I don't know why though. He is a great guy and super sweet but there were a few times when I was with him in SLC that I was not entirely sure I even liked him. He's kind of the class clown at times and always trying to get attention, which is irritating if you are the only one around and you grew up hating the class clown because you were often the source of his material. But we had a talk at one point and he admitted that he's been acting strangely since I intimidate him. I find it hard to believe that anyone could be intimidated by me, but he's not the first to say so. He's so clearly in love with me and terrified that I won't like him back that he's trying too hard. If he would just calm down and be himself things would be easier. I swore I would never be in another long distance relationship and this one is absurdly long distance. I'm not sure what to do or think. He's great but it's impossible to properly get to know someone that you only see once a month. But... at the same time I really like this guy. I don't know why, but I do. I just feel comfortable around him and he does make me laugh when he's not trying. And when he's just still and himself I find myself falling in love with him. This all scares me a lot.

In other news... I was making my usual online rounds of looking at what jobs are being offered and noticed that what could be called my "ideal job" is being offered at my old university in Arizona. It's basically all the best parts of my current job without all the parts I hate, with a huge raise. I'm about 95% qualified for it and if I just sold myself properly I would seem like the ideal candidate for the position. But... I'm not sure how I would feel about living in Flagstaff again. I was so unhappy there but that was due to my own personal issues of coming out. My final semester there was pretty good though. But even with that aside, I'm not sure Flagstaff is an improvement over my current situation. It's slighly larger, the weather is similar, the political climate is similar, but it's not exactly a large city and the gay population isn't all that large. I would be making a lot more money and working at a really cool job so maybe just a slight improvement is better than nothing. It doesn't solve the going home to an empty house problem though. And it is even further from SLC. Course... that can never work out unless one of us moves to be with the other and that can never really happen until I feel that might work and that can't work until I get to know him better and that can't happen until we can spend more time together... so that little cycle can't really end unless something changes and someone (me) takes a leap of faith.

See why I've felt insane for the last couple weeks?! Too much. But writing this all out actually made me feel better. I feel like maybe I was just letting a lot of small things pile up. Ok, most of those are pretty huge things but my parents are safely at home, my dad is recovering, my class is over, I might as well apply for the job at NAU and just see what happens, and as far as my guy in SLC... I don't know. I just need to take things a day at a time and see what happens.

To let loose.
To let free.
To breath in.
To breath out.
Peace out.

Been a While-ish

I guess I'm leaving in a couple hours to see my guy in Utah. I've gone back and forth and up and down about him since he visited me a couple weeks ago. I'm sure I'm over thinking everything since I do that. I suspect I'm going to have a wonderful time with him. We had a lot of fun while he was here and the issues I've been worrying about only pop up over the phone. I hate talking on the phone. I hate struggling to come up with conversation topics when he calls at 10:45 at night and I'm happy to hear his voice but I really just want to go to sleep. I hate that we both fill empty space on the phone with random shit that pops into our heads. I hate that he's leaving his job and driving home when we talk since that's pretty much when we are all at our worst. I hate that I don't understand his humor sometimes. And I am concerned that at least some of the time when he's "joking" about something he actually means it but gets to play it off as a joke while actually saying what he means. I wish I could come up with an example... I guess I should take that as an indication that I'm probably over thinking the situation. Anyway, I have some reservations about this drive/ trip and I'm trying to vent them before I leave so that I can get there with a fresh head. I don't want to sabotage myself so I know I have to arrive happy to see him and give the weekend a fair chance to play out properly. It's a beautiful day and I'm kind of looking forward to the drive. Once I'm there I think he has several fun things planned and I might run into a couple of old friends. Ultimately, I'm sure this will be a fun weekend and a nice diversion from my regular life for a while. Yeah... I think that's a good frame... no need to stress out about imaginary issues. I can do that when I get back home on Sunday. ;-)

To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.

Bursting with Change, Then Not...

So... my Utah man has come and gone. I can't believe someone actually drove over six hours on snowy, icy roads just to see me. He got here around 1:00 in the morning Thursday night/ Friday morning and it was just like he was getting home. Not weird, not awkward, just good. It should have been awkward since it was the middle of the night and we went to bed like an hour later, but it wasn't. I think I kissed him less than 10 minutes after he got in the door. That's pretty unlike me. Well, maybe not... chemistry is instant and 100% or not at all with me. We spent a great weekend together not really doing anything at all. It was wonderful. I'm still kind of reeling and trying to figure it all out. For a fraction of a second I allowed myself to think "wow, this could really be the one..." and that really should have scared me but it didn't and then THAT did scare me. ;-) I'm dumb. I was so excited that the first thing I did on Monday morning was find and apply for a job where he lives. I was playing it off as no big deal (and it is a perfect job for me) but inside I was kind of getting excited about the prospect of leaving and possibly having a real relationship with someone that seems great. I had it all planned out... I was going to get the job, I was going to move, it was all going to somehow work out in spite of the fact that I don't have enough money to be able to survive a move. I was going to get there and take one credit of something to keep my degree open and then my last class was supposed to be an online class over the summer and then I was going to be done with my degree and not have to suffer through one more winter in Siberia alone and cold. It was an exciting (if a little irrational) prospect.

Then yesterday happened. It seemed like wonderful news... and it was. I got to work late after sort of accidentally over sleeping. I got to my office without anyone really noticing that I was late and a few minutes later I got an email. The email said something about how another student requested the class I need to graduate and that they were going to offer it to her as a readings course and that I could take it too if I wanted. I was momentarily pissed that I was an afterthought after two years of bitching and begging to take this class. But then I realized... HOT DAMN, I'm going to be done a semester sooner than I expected! I was all excited and it seemed to work out perfectly since it's a readings class... that meant one reading each week for 15 weeks and a review. Heck, I can do that ANYWHERE! Yay! The universe allowed me roughly 24 hours of bliss... thinking I was going to graduate early and get away and live happily every after and SOON! Then the other shoe dropped. There is a discussion aspect to the class. A weekly, mandatory discussion... and it's on Friday morning... every Friday morning from January through April. That kills any and all chance of leaving this dump any time soon. It also kills any chance of spending any significant amount of time with the Utah guy since his days off are Friday and Saturday.

I feel sort of stupid now... falling in love in one weekend... making plans to move for a guy... actually applying for a job that is perfect and would start in around the start of the new year. It was exciting and fresh and unexpected and made me happy. And now... it's all gone. I feel like I should be happy and I will be happy since I'm getting exactly what I've wanted for almost two years. I get to take my last class and graduate and that's wonderful! I guess it just sucks to give up a better dream... one that I usually don't let myself indulge in.

To let loose,
To let free,
To breath in,
To breath out,
Peace out.

Check out that smile!

Someone had never been given flowers... now he has! Check out that smile! So worth it!

13 Year Old Girl

Yes, it's true. I have turned into a 13 year old girl. I have been observed talking on the phone for hours on end and saying things like "no, you're sweet." It's disgusting and kind of makes me want to puke but I love it at the same time. It is a little concerning... I don't act like this. I hate talking on the phone. I hate texting. I hate driving. I don't even drive to the next town to spend time with friends I've known for years, let alone visit some dude 6 hours away. I swore I would never be in another long distance relationship ever again. But here I am... deep into "like-like" with a guy that I've yet to actually meet in person. There is just something about him. It's stupid... but he knows to not use "alot" ever, even in text messages, he knows all the lyrics to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song, he doesn't do drugs, he has a culinary degree and a black belt in kung fu - and all those things are somehow really important to me and I have no idea why. Fuck, I'm even making a mix tape for him. How gross is that? But seriously... I love it. Just 6 days, 16 hours until he's here... +/- an hour. Not that I'm counting down or anything.