It’s been a while since my last blog. I’ve been traveling a lot! I’ll try to split this into a couple blogs so as to not overwhelm anyone.
Let’s flash back to a week ago last Monday. I was at work but not really wanting to be there. Winter closure started on Wednesday (Christmas Eve) but I saw that I had about a bazillion sick hours so I planned on suddenly catching a cold and leaving for my parent’s house early. But, I had some things I had to get done first. My top priority was to finish a letter to the administration where I work. The HR lady asked me to come up with a list of duties I’ve been performing that are outside of my job description so I could be “compensated” for doing my boss’s job in spite of the fact that they believe I’m not qualified for it. Being compensated is almost always a good things so I got to work on that list – which became a letter – which became a very long, very bitchy letter – which got revised and de-bitchified – and in the end I turned in a 2 page single spaced letter that explained in a very direct and honest way what I’ve been doing for them for the last 7 months and why nobody else will be able to do this job without my help. We’ll see what happens with that.
So, I got all my work done and left before lunch. I got packed and ready and was on the road at a reasonable time. The roads were fine, and then they weren’t fine, and then they were flat out bad. Just as the sun was setting it started to snow, hard. The middle 2 hours of my drive were a little stressful but I finally made it home. Actually, I drove right past the place I’ve always called home. The lights were all off and it looked all abandoned and cold and sad. I pulled up to the new house and went inside. I felt kind of weird just busting on in but I refused to knock on the door and I’ve already decided I’m not going to use the front door ever since nobody uses it but guests. The house is big and beautiful and it was mostly set up. My dumb dog made short work of destroying the week old hard wood floors. She doesn’t walk anywhere like a normal dog, she has to skitter and peel out and run and slide everywhere. I was pretty sure she was going to take out the Christmas tree at some point but she didn’t.
My parents and bother all had to work right up until Christmas Eve so I kind of just hung out at home all by myself. It was sort of strange since it was a new house and none of my things made the cut to get moved over, not even any of the furniture in my old bedroom. The first day I kind of jut read and puttered around and made lunch for my mom. The next day was Christmas Eve and my brother had the day off so he hung out with me in the morning and then my mom came home in the afternoon but she had a pinched nerve in her back and spent most of the day in bed. This meant I got to cook our big Christmas Eve dinner – all by myself and in a half moved in kitchen I’m not familiar with, which also happens to be about half the size of my entire apartment. Par for the course… my brother decided to go hang out with a buddy rather than stay home and help me out and my dad was still working. (I complain but I actually enjoyed doing it!) So, I made two pies (pumpkin and peach), baked a turkey breast, made dressing, mashed potatoes, homemade gravy, a green bean casserole, and some rolls. My mom eventually felt better and peeled the potatoes and then later mashed them but the rest was all me. It all got done at the right time and it all turned out. Not bad! Gay son saves the day!
Christmas day was sort of odd. Normally we get up kind of early and open packages. There would always be stockings on fireplace mantle with a few little goodies in them and typically a movie and a box of candy sitting on the coffee table in the living room. None of that happened this year. Normally my parents spend way too much and get my brother and me way too many gifts but not this year, which was fine. I have too much stuff. This year there were just a few gifts under the tree and we sort of slept in and then it took a while to actually get around to opening things. It just felt kind of “off.” I got some nice things and I didn’t have to rent a U-haul to go back home so that was good. Christmas dinner was at my grandma’s house. If my parents live in the middle of nowhere, then my grandma lives about 30 miles past the middle of nowhere. There is no cell reception and the nearest neighbor is miles away. It never used to bother me but the more grown up urban “me” is starting to realize just how odd that is. I love my family and I love my grandma but going to her house for Christmas dinner is always awkward and always has been. The conversation is always forced, there are these long uncomfortable silences, and nobody really wants to be there. After dinner we left pretty quickly since mom’s back still hurt. We were secretly glad to have an excuse to dine and dash! We went back home for a while and then went to my other grandparents for leftovers. My other grandparents live literally across the street from my parents and that side of the family is a little more interesting and they usually have prime rib instead of a very dry and bland turkey. I got to see my little cousins there and the leftovers were good and my grandpa got to show me his most recent genealogy finds. I really need to make it a point to go home soon so he can show me all his research; none of us are getting any younger.
The day after Christmas it started snowing and the wind was blowing and my mom insisted that I leave as quickly as possible. I gathered my stuff and was gone by mid morning. The roads were fine and weather was clear all the way home. Normally I would hang out at home with my family until just before New Years but this year I had other plans. I’ll post that blog later!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Quote me on that
Ok, it’s been a while since I wrote a proper blog. I have started a few but I’ve either gotten busy and didn’t have time to finish or I just didn’t like the wording or both. So, what’s been going on with me you ask? Well, let me tell you!
First off, sorry about the seemingly manic depressive blogs as of late. “Oh, I’m SOOO happy!” Oh, I’m sooo sad…” To be fair, for the most part, only the best and worst of my life ends up in these blogs so they would naturally seem to be all over the place. Plus, I guess I am sort of all over the place sometimes. I hope I’m a lot more stable than my perception of the impression I give out in this blog. (How is that for a weird statement!?) The tone of this blog is going to change somewhat. In the past I’ve gotten myself into some awkward situations because I over share in my blog and then someone reads it and realizes I’m talking about them. That’s why I moved here – no profile attached. I am also going to quit using my own name and the names of people I know. In the future this blog will be attributed to Oblio. My dog will be known as Arrow and my friends will be referred to either anonymously or by letters. This might cause some confusion… but that’s ok. A little confusion keeps things fresh! Bonus points to anyone that can figure out the Oblio/Arrow reference. Thanks to the friend that made that suggestion!
Arrow has been a good doggy lately. She’s pretty unhappy about the sudden cold snap since that means she doesn’t get to go on as long of walks. She’s just too crazy to be able to walk when it’s icy. I have to make her walk behind me to keep her from jerking on the leash so that I don’t end up breaking my neck on the ice. For some reason there is no middle ground with her. She either has to be tugging on the leash or walking behind me and peaking past my legs in a sort of sad jailed doggy way. She smells like corn chips right now. Not sure why… time for a bath!
Work has been busy. I’m not going to say anything specific about it anymore. My perceived injustices continue but I’ve done very little to actually remedy the situation. I guess the bottom line is that I make enough money to live with just a tiny bit left over each month, so things aren’t so bad. I took the morning off today so that I could get my hair cut and run some errands. While we’re on that topic…
I really only have one skeleton in my closet. I’ve stayed in contact with almost all the guys I’ve ever dated and if I’m not outright friends with them then I’m at least on speaking terms, with one exception. Long time readers have some idea of whom I am talking about since there was a series of fairly immature and passive aggressive blogs written about him a year or so ago. For the most part I had made my peace with him – in my own head. We both made mistakes, we both did a lot of things we shouldn’t have, but some bridges just can’t be rebuilt once you burn them. Last I knew, he was probably still in the next town over doing whatever it is that he does. Then about a month or two ago I decided to randomly look up his myspace profile. I assumed it would be set to private but I wondered if he still had one. I found him easily enough and my heart skipped a beat. It said he lived in my town now. I did a second quick search in the student directory at the university and found him there. So, he had been living in the same town as me going to school for almost a semester and I had no idea. That scared me a little since it meant he was able to find and avoid me but I had no idea he was even around. He’s not the sort of person you would randomly bump into at walmart buying milk and bread so I figured I would just not worry about it. So, back to my story. I was playing hooky today and went to get my hair cut at my regular place. Turns out they were busy and it would be at least 45 minutes. I wasn’t in a hurry today but I did have stuff to get done so I decided to try out this new place. It’s just a slightly newer “cheap cut’s R us haircut barn” type of place but someone at some point had recommended it and told me that the guy that cut his hair there knew me and that they had a nice little chat about me. That was kind of odd since to the best of my knowledge I didn’t know anyone that cuts hair. I went in and it seemed nice and there was no wait so I got my hair cut. It’s a decent cut, nothing great but it will do. I was paying and I casually mentioned that someone told me that I know a guy that works there. Then she spoke the name of my skeleton and I realized I had unknowingly walked into his closet. Not only that, but he had been in that day and was expected back at any minute. I guess it’s good to know where he works and it’s also good I wasn’t that impressed with the hair cut and they don’t sell the specific brand of hair product I use. Not going back there!
As long as we are on the topic of relationships… I am still pretty darn unsure what to do about my Canadian. I leave for California to see him in 11 days. Simply NOT kissing him the second I see him might be my greatest exercise in self restraint to date, not to mention sharing a hotel room with him for three days... I have to protect my heart though and I know if I let myself feel anything at all then it will be over for me and I’ll just end up getting hurt when I realize once again that I can’t have him. *sigh* Why can’t it just be simple? Why can’t you just love someone and have them love you back and have them be single and compatible? Is that really asking so much? For that matter, why do I knowingly walk into situations like this? Dumb.
I’m reminded of a quote from *My Best Friend's Wedding (*Corrected, thanks A!). (I know, pretty lame movie but I like the quotation!) It’s when she’s in a stolen truck chasing her “dream” guy and the guy is chasing someone else and she is on the phone with her gay friend and he asks her “and who is chasing you?” Nobody. I wonder if I just like the chase and that’s why I only go after guys that are in some way unavailable. I know that can’t be true though, I hate the chase and I just want prize at the end. Maybe that’s something I need to work on but I don’t really know how. I’ve also found that when guys pursue me too strongly then I just run away. That’s super logical… I only like guys that I can’t have and I don’t like guys that are actually available and want me. Stupid.
I’ve been sort of ignoring my MA program in the hopes that it would just finish itself and go away and I’ll go home from work one day to find my degree in the mail. Well, that hasn’t happened yet. I swore I would finish before the end of 2008 but I don’t see that happening since I would have to be done by… oh… today since I’m going home and then to California for the last week or two of the year. A friend gave me some great advice the other day in an email. It’s advice I had heard 100 times from 100 people but somehow she was able to find the exact combination of words to make me hear it. “Perfect is pretty, but done is beautiful.” I’ve been hung up on making my thesis perfect when I should be worried about just getting done with it. Well, in January I will pay my fees, fill out the mountain of paperwork, and then just get it done. Who cares if it’s not the next Great American Novel? It doesn’t need to be. It’s just a crappy thesis that will sit on a dusty shelf somewhere and if I’m lucky maybe 2 grad students in the next 20 years will check it out and skim through it. Done is beautiful!
I might not write again before the New Year. If that happens, I want to thank everyone reading this and wish you a fantastic holiday season! I’ll be sort of MIA for a while. I’m sure I’ll have a lot to say once I’m back home from my trips.
First off, sorry about the seemingly manic depressive blogs as of late. “Oh, I’m SOOO happy!” Oh, I’m sooo sad…” To be fair, for the most part, only the best and worst of my life ends up in these blogs so they would naturally seem to be all over the place. Plus, I guess I am sort of all over the place sometimes. I hope I’m a lot more stable than my perception of the impression I give out in this blog. (How is that for a weird statement!?) The tone of this blog is going to change somewhat. In the past I’ve gotten myself into some awkward situations because I over share in my blog and then someone reads it and realizes I’m talking about them. That’s why I moved here – no profile attached. I am also going to quit using my own name and the names of people I know. In the future this blog will be attributed to Oblio. My dog will be known as Arrow and my friends will be referred to either anonymously or by letters. This might cause some confusion… but that’s ok. A little confusion keeps things fresh! Bonus points to anyone that can figure out the Oblio/Arrow reference. Thanks to the friend that made that suggestion!
Arrow has been a good doggy lately. She’s pretty unhappy about the sudden cold snap since that means she doesn’t get to go on as long of walks. She’s just too crazy to be able to walk when it’s icy. I have to make her walk behind me to keep her from jerking on the leash so that I don’t end up breaking my neck on the ice. For some reason there is no middle ground with her. She either has to be tugging on the leash or walking behind me and peaking past my legs in a sort of sad jailed doggy way. She smells like corn chips right now. Not sure why… time for a bath!
Work has been busy. I’m not going to say anything specific about it anymore. My perceived injustices continue but I’ve done very little to actually remedy the situation. I guess the bottom line is that I make enough money to live with just a tiny bit left over each month, so things aren’t so bad. I took the morning off today so that I could get my hair cut and run some errands. While we’re on that topic…
I really only have one skeleton in my closet. I’ve stayed in contact with almost all the guys I’ve ever dated and if I’m not outright friends with them then I’m at least on speaking terms, with one exception. Long time readers have some idea of whom I am talking about since there was a series of fairly immature and passive aggressive blogs written about him a year or so ago. For the most part I had made my peace with him – in my own head. We both made mistakes, we both did a lot of things we shouldn’t have, but some bridges just can’t be rebuilt once you burn them. Last I knew, he was probably still in the next town over doing whatever it is that he does. Then about a month or two ago I decided to randomly look up his myspace profile. I assumed it would be set to private but I wondered if he still had one. I found him easily enough and my heart skipped a beat. It said he lived in my town now. I did a second quick search in the student directory at the university and found him there. So, he had been living in the same town as me going to school for almost a semester and I had no idea. That scared me a little since it meant he was able to find and avoid me but I had no idea he was even around. He’s not the sort of person you would randomly bump into at walmart buying milk and bread so I figured I would just not worry about it. So, back to my story. I was playing hooky today and went to get my hair cut at my regular place. Turns out they were busy and it would be at least 45 minutes. I wasn’t in a hurry today but I did have stuff to get done so I decided to try out this new place. It’s just a slightly newer “cheap cut’s R us haircut barn” type of place but someone at some point had recommended it and told me that the guy that cut his hair there knew me and that they had a nice little chat about me. That was kind of odd since to the best of my knowledge I didn’t know anyone that cuts hair. I went in and it seemed nice and there was no wait so I got my hair cut. It’s a decent cut, nothing great but it will do. I was paying and I casually mentioned that someone told me that I know a guy that works there. Then she spoke the name of my skeleton and I realized I had unknowingly walked into his closet. Not only that, but he had been in that day and was expected back at any minute. I guess it’s good to know where he works and it’s also good I wasn’t that impressed with the hair cut and they don’t sell the specific brand of hair product I use. Not going back there!
As long as we are on the topic of relationships… I am still pretty darn unsure what to do about my Canadian. I leave for California to see him in 11 days. Simply NOT kissing him the second I see him might be my greatest exercise in self restraint to date, not to mention sharing a hotel room with him for three days... I have to protect my heart though and I know if I let myself feel anything at all then it will be over for me and I’ll just end up getting hurt when I realize once again that I can’t have him. *sigh* Why can’t it just be simple? Why can’t you just love someone and have them love you back and have them be single and compatible? Is that really asking so much? For that matter, why do I knowingly walk into situations like this? Dumb.
I’m reminded of a quote from *My Best Friend's Wedding (*Corrected, thanks A!). (I know, pretty lame movie but I like the quotation!) It’s when she’s in a stolen truck chasing her “dream” guy and the guy is chasing someone else and she is on the phone with her gay friend and he asks her “and who is chasing you?” Nobody. I wonder if I just like the chase and that’s why I only go after guys that are in some way unavailable. I know that can’t be true though, I hate the chase and I just want prize at the end. Maybe that’s something I need to work on but I don’t really know how. I’ve also found that when guys pursue me too strongly then I just run away. That’s super logical… I only like guys that I can’t have and I don’t like guys that are actually available and want me. Stupid.
I’ve been sort of ignoring my MA program in the hopes that it would just finish itself and go away and I’ll go home from work one day to find my degree in the mail. Well, that hasn’t happened yet. I swore I would finish before the end of 2008 but I don’t see that happening since I would have to be done by… oh… today since I’m going home and then to California for the last week or two of the year. A friend gave me some great advice the other day in an email. It’s advice I had heard 100 times from 100 people but somehow she was able to find the exact combination of words to make me hear it. “Perfect is pretty, but done is beautiful.” I’ve been hung up on making my thesis perfect when I should be worried about just getting done with it. Well, in January I will pay my fees, fill out the mountain of paperwork, and then just get it done. Who cares if it’s not the next Great American Novel? It doesn’t need to be. It’s just a crappy thesis that will sit on a dusty shelf somewhere and if I’m lucky maybe 2 grad students in the next 20 years will check it out and skim through it. Done is beautiful!
I might not write again before the New Year. If that happens, I want to thank everyone reading this and wish you a fantastic holiday season! I’ll be sort of MIA for a while. I’m sure I’ll have a lot to say once I’m back home from my trips.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Low
Well, I officially jinxed myself by writing that overly gushy blog yesterday. Now I have my low for the semester. Pretty much everything that happened from 1:30 yesterday afternoon to 6:30 last night sucked.
I found out a week ago that I would have a 4th person working in my office starting in January to finish up the grant I was originally hired to work on a year and a half ago. Since the scan lab was getting moved I was going to have a station set up for her and since I originally worked on that grant I knew exactly what she could and couldn’t work on. No prob. Then she showed up to tell me she was told her current grant was out of money and she would be starting immediately - as in within the hour. That complicated things some but I came up with a game plan and decided I should run some things past HR to make sure I had the details correct. I normally like talking to HR – they make you feel good about yourself and use nonspecific words so that you leave feeling better but nothing really happens. This time I left feeling belittled, angry, marginalized, and upset. I was basically told that this was none of my concern and that someone else would decide what this person would do and it was implied that I was overstepping my boundaries and that I should just get back to my desk and do something simple. Ouch.
So, I went back to my office vented for a few minutes and felt a little better. I found out the person that said those things had a lot on her mind and that it wasn’t personal, I just happened to show up at exactly the wrong time. Not an excuse but made me feel a bit better. Then I got an email from my Canadian. I normally enjoy those. This one I did not enjoy. I’m still not sure what the intention of the email was but it had the feel of getting preemptively dumped before we even had a relationship. Awkward, since I bought a nonrefundable, nontransferable ticket to spend 3 days with him after Christmas. Super, so now I’m being dumped by a guy I REALLY like but I’m not even in a relationship with and still plan on spending several days with. Ouch.
I was on the verge of tears and had two other people in my office so I decided it would be best to just make a hasty exit and go home. In spite of having 4 inches of fresh snow on the ground I took my dog for a long walk until I was half frozen. I went back home had a glass of red wine and took a nice hot bubble bath. I felt a little better so I got out of the tub and turned on my laptop to write to the Canadian. My laptop then informed me that I had a virus and it wouldn’t let me update my virus software or remove the virus. Then the internet just quit working entirely. No computer usage for me. Ouch.
So, I decided to make some dinner. Cooking is therapeutic for me so I cleaned some dishes and decided to make some stuffed peppers and then maybe some banana bread. I started cleaning the peppers and couldn’t immediately find a spoon to scrap the ribs and seeds out of the peppers so I used my thumb nail. They were jalapeños so this probably wasn’t the best idea but I’ve done it before and they’ve never really seemed to bother me. I got the filling all done and all the peppers cleaned and I noticed the back of one hand stung a little bit like I got something in small cut or something. Ten minutes later both hands were red and burning. Super, a chemical burn from peppers on both hands. Ouch.
I feel better today but I was a pretty sad panda for a while. The work thing and the Canadian thing are infinitely more complicated than I made them sound here. Ultimately, nothing has really changed. My job is still what it’s always been and I’m still just as single as I was yesterday. I feel like Icarus. I flew too close to the sun, my wings melted, and I landed with a thump back on earth. I’m not a department manager and I will not have a boyfriend after my trip to San Francisco. Oh well, life goes on.
To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.
I found out a week ago that I would have a 4th person working in my office starting in January to finish up the grant I was originally hired to work on a year and a half ago. Since the scan lab was getting moved I was going to have a station set up for her and since I originally worked on that grant I knew exactly what she could and couldn’t work on. No prob. Then she showed up to tell me she was told her current grant was out of money and she would be starting immediately - as in within the hour. That complicated things some but I came up with a game plan and decided I should run some things past HR to make sure I had the details correct. I normally like talking to HR – they make you feel good about yourself and use nonspecific words so that you leave feeling better but nothing really happens. This time I left feeling belittled, angry, marginalized, and upset. I was basically told that this was none of my concern and that someone else would decide what this person would do and it was implied that I was overstepping my boundaries and that I should just get back to my desk and do something simple. Ouch.
So, I went back to my office vented for a few minutes and felt a little better. I found out the person that said those things had a lot on her mind and that it wasn’t personal, I just happened to show up at exactly the wrong time. Not an excuse but made me feel a bit better. Then I got an email from my Canadian. I normally enjoy those. This one I did not enjoy. I’m still not sure what the intention of the email was but it had the feel of getting preemptively dumped before we even had a relationship. Awkward, since I bought a nonrefundable, nontransferable ticket to spend 3 days with him after Christmas. Super, so now I’m being dumped by a guy I REALLY like but I’m not even in a relationship with and still plan on spending several days with. Ouch.
I was on the verge of tears and had two other people in my office so I decided it would be best to just make a hasty exit and go home. In spite of having 4 inches of fresh snow on the ground I took my dog for a long walk until I was half frozen. I went back home had a glass of red wine and took a nice hot bubble bath. I felt a little better so I got out of the tub and turned on my laptop to write to the Canadian. My laptop then informed me that I had a virus and it wouldn’t let me update my virus software or remove the virus. Then the internet just quit working entirely. No computer usage for me. Ouch.
So, I decided to make some dinner. Cooking is therapeutic for me so I cleaned some dishes and decided to make some stuffed peppers and then maybe some banana bread. I started cleaning the peppers and couldn’t immediately find a spoon to scrap the ribs and seeds out of the peppers so I used my thumb nail. They were jalapeños so this probably wasn’t the best idea but I’ve done it before and they’ve never really seemed to bother me. I got the filling all done and all the peppers cleaned and I noticed the back of one hand stung a little bit like I got something in small cut or something. Ten minutes later both hands were red and burning. Super, a chemical burn from peppers on both hands. Ouch.
I feel better today but I was a pretty sad panda for a while. The work thing and the Canadian thing are infinitely more complicated than I made them sound here. Ultimately, nothing has really changed. My job is still what it’s always been and I’m still just as single as I was yesterday. I feel like Icarus. I flew too close to the sun, my wings melted, and I landed with a thump back on earth. I’m not a department manager and I will not have a boyfriend after my trip to San Francisco. Oh well, life goes on.
To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
An Embarrassment of Riches
For those of you reading this that don’t know, I’m one of the advisors for a LGBT student group. We often do a sort of community building/ ice breaker called “highs and lows” where we introduce ourselves and give our high and low for the week – meaning the best and the worst thing to happen in the last seven days. Last night was the last meeting of the semester so we gave our high and low for the entire semester. I had to go first and I was caught off guard. So many great things have happened this semester. I ended up going with the obvious but most superficial thing and said it was the Madonna concert I went to a few weeks ago, even though spending a few days with a certain someone was clearly my “high” for the semester. Then I couldn’t think of a low. Not only could I not think of the absolute worst thing to happen to me this semester, I couldn’t think of anything that was even all that bad. Crazy right? Especially since I fill this blog by whining about things! I still can’t really think of a single truly bad thing that’s happened to me in the last six months. *knock on wood*
I’m feeling very thankful and sappy right now so nearly a week late, here is what I’m thankful for this year.
As much as I complain about it, I really do love my job. I enjoy the people I work with and I enjoy what I do. It does get a little tedious and boring at times, but that’s just the nature of the game. I do feel a little marginalized but never unappreciated. I work 8-5, Monday through Friday, I am salaried, I get paid holidays, paid sick leave and vacation time, and a nice little paid vacation for winter closure, and that is all AWESOME. I got two small raises this year. Even if they were small, more money is still more money and for the first time in my life I make enough to cover all the bills and I’m slowly digging myself out of debt instead of getting further in debt. I might not stay here for much longer but my time here has been great. I’m young, intelligent, trainable, and charming as hell (not to mention modest!) – so I’m not really worried about the employment thing. I’ll have this job until I decide it’s time to pack up and go elsewhere and then I’m confident that I’ll find something new when the time is right.
My job has afforded me the luxury of being able to travel this year. I got to spend an amazing week in Mexico, bobbing around the ocean, exploring ruins, eating amazing food, and just generally having a great time. I got to visit New York City for the first time and fell in love with the bustle and excitement of the city. And before the year is over I’ll also get to visit San Francisco. I’m sure I’ll fall in love with it.
Speaking of the “L” word. I find myself in a position where I am actually ready to move on with my life and love again. Yeah, I realize it’s been ages since I had a steady boyfriend and I realize that I’ve been dating pretty much constantly since we broke up, but I honestly wasn’t ready to move on until quite recently. My reluctance to move on had very little to do with my ex (who I am still friends with and still love) but had everything to do with the fact that I just knew I had some growing and developing to do. Spending a few days with an amazing guy cured me of my fear to move on. For that I am eternally grateful and I hope to explore the possibilities this guy offers, even if I know I could get hurt in the process and it will infinitely complicate my life, but that’s what falling in love is all about.
I am so thankful for my amazing friends, both old and new. I have a few friends that have always been there and I know will always be there for me. Thanks, I love you all. I have also made a few new friends this year. Remembering the days of elementary and high school, I’m so thankful to have so many great friends. I was always the little boy that played all alone on the playground. Eventually I would make a friend only to have that friend move away a few months or a year later. I think from first to 6th grade I had my “best” friend (meaning my only friend) move away 3 or 4 times. With the exception of my senior year of high school I was always felt like the loner that never really fit in any of the cliques. I’m still adjusting to the fact that I have friends, that those friends will stay my friends, and that I’m perfectly capable of making more friends. So, for all of you reading this – thank you so much, you mean the world to me!
Last but not least, I am so thankful for my amazing parents. They have always been loving and supportive of me no matter what. I know no matter where they live or what is going on in our lives, I can always go home and be accepted with open arms. I’m also thankful for my brother and the rest of my family. I wish I was closer to my brother again. I think that might be my resolution for 2009. I’m very lucky to have such a close extended family. I need to spend more time with them.
2008 has been a great year. It has had its ups and downs but the trick is to just remember the good. Learn from the bad things that happen, but then move on and focus on what is right in your life. It might seem like a ridiculously simple suggestion but it makes a huge difference.
To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.
I’m feeling very thankful and sappy right now so nearly a week late, here is what I’m thankful for this year.
As much as I complain about it, I really do love my job. I enjoy the people I work with and I enjoy what I do. It does get a little tedious and boring at times, but that’s just the nature of the game. I do feel a little marginalized but never unappreciated. I work 8-5, Monday through Friday, I am salaried, I get paid holidays, paid sick leave and vacation time, and a nice little paid vacation for winter closure, and that is all AWESOME. I got two small raises this year. Even if they were small, more money is still more money and for the first time in my life I make enough to cover all the bills and I’m slowly digging myself out of debt instead of getting further in debt. I might not stay here for much longer but my time here has been great. I’m young, intelligent, trainable, and charming as hell (not to mention modest!) – so I’m not really worried about the employment thing. I’ll have this job until I decide it’s time to pack up and go elsewhere and then I’m confident that I’ll find something new when the time is right.
My job has afforded me the luxury of being able to travel this year. I got to spend an amazing week in Mexico, bobbing around the ocean, exploring ruins, eating amazing food, and just generally having a great time. I got to visit New York City for the first time and fell in love with the bustle and excitement of the city. And before the year is over I’ll also get to visit San Francisco. I’m sure I’ll fall in love with it.
Speaking of the “L” word. I find myself in a position where I am actually ready to move on with my life and love again. Yeah, I realize it’s been ages since I had a steady boyfriend and I realize that I’ve been dating pretty much constantly since we broke up, but I honestly wasn’t ready to move on until quite recently. My reluctance to move on had very little to do with my ex (who I am still friends with and still love) but had everything to do with the fact that I just knew I had some growing and developing to do. Spending a few days with an amazing guy cured me of my fear to move on. For that I am eternally grateful and I hope to explore the possibilities this guy offers, even if I know I could get hurt in the process and it will infinitely complicate my life, but that’s what falling in love is all about.
I am so thankful for my amazing friends, both old and new. I have a few friends that have always been there and I know will always be there for me. Thanks, I love you all. I have also made a few new friends this year. Remembering the days of elementary and high school, I’m so thankful to have so many great friends. I was always the little boy that played all alone on the playground. Eventually I would make a friend only to have that friend move away a few months or a year later. I think from first to 6th grade I had my “best” friend (meaning my only friend) move away 3 or 4 times. With the exception of my senior year of high school I was always felt like the loner that never really fit in any of the cliques. I’m still adjusting to the fact that I have friends, that those friends will stay my friends, and that I’m perfectly capable of making more friends. So, for all of you reading this – thank you so much, you mean the world to me!
Last but not least, I am so thankful for my amazing parents. They have always been loving and supportive of me no matter what. I know no matter where they live or what is going on in our lives, I can always go home and be accepted with open arms. I’m also thankful for my brother and the rest of my family. I wish I was closer to my brother again. I think that might be my resolution for 2009. I’m very lucky to have such a close extended family. I need to spend more time with them.
2008 has been a great year. It has had its ups and downs but the trick is to just remember the good. Learn from the bad things that happen, but then move on and focus on what is right in your life. It might seem like a ridiculously simple suggestion but it makes a huge difference.
To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Even if the Stars Fade…
I went home for an extended Thanksgiving weekend. I left Wednesday afternoon and got back to my place on Sunday evening. It’s been a while since I got to spend that much time at home with my family. It was great to see everyone. I need to spend more time with my family. I got to finally see my parent’s new house. It’s mostly done now and it’s beautiful. It’s just sort of strange since it will never be my home. I’ll have a “guest room” to sleep in when I visit it but for the most part, all of my things are getting packed away. I have a lot of it here and the rest will go into storage somewhere.
The next time I go “home” I’ll have to drive past the place I grew up and go into a different house. That was Home from the time I was 4 years old until I left for college at 18, and even then I went home for summers and Christmas and whatnot. I’m not really sure where Home has been since then. My old apartment felt like Home but I’ve felt sort of… well, homeless since then. I don’t especially like where I live right now. It’s cold, darker than I would like, small, has purple carpet, and it’s just not me. I haven’t hung much of anything on the walls in the year and a half that I’ve lived here and that bugs me when other people do it, but hanging things sort of confirms that I live here. I didn’t even finish unpacking until after I had lived here for over a year. So, that begs the question: where is my home?
I used to look out my bedroom window when I was growing up. My window faced north and I could always see the big dipper and the North Star. I was safe at home in the center of my universe. The stars up there are brilliantly bright since there is virtually no light pollution to block them out at night. But I realize now that even if the stars fade, they are always there.
The next time I go “home” I’ll have to drive past the place I grew up and go into a different house. That was Home from the time I was 4 years old until I left for college at 18, and even then I went home for summers and Christmas and whatnot. I’m not really sure where Home has been since then. My old apartment felt like Home but I’ve felt sort of… well, homeless since then. I don’t especially like where I live right now. It’s cold, darker than I would like, small, has purple carpet, and it’s just not me. I haven’t hung much of anything on the walls in the year and a half that I’ve lived here and that bugs me when other people do it, but hanging things sort of confirms that I live here. I didn’t even finish unpacking until after I had lived here for over a year. So, that begs the question: where is my home?
I used to look out my bedroom window when I was growing up. My window faced north and I could always see the big dipper and the North Star. I was safe at home in the center of my universe. The stars up there are brilliantly bright since there is virtually no light pollution to block them out at night. But I realize now that even if the stars fade, they are always there.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Brotha Got Some Mad Curry Funk
So, I pretty much feel (and smell) like death warmed over this morning. I’ve been having weird sleeping issues lately. Not sure what that’s all about since I’m normally a rock star at sleeping. Usually, I just go to bed and then I’m out like a light until my alarm goes off in the morning, but lately I’ve been having trouble getting to sleep and then waking up at the wee hours of the morning just to attempt to go back to sleep again. Last night I went to bed early since I had stayed out WAYYYY too late Saturday night (more on that later). I had a little trouble getting to sleep and then woke up at 3:30 since I was thirsty – not just thirsty but PARCHED. I had a drink of water and then went back to bed. And then I proceeded to just lay there for an hour or two. Awesome. Finally I got back to sleep and like 14 seconds later my alarm went off and my body said “oh, HELL no!” I had a reasonably important meeting at 8:00 this morning so I really needed to be at work on time, if not early. (Who has a meeting at 8:00 on a Monday morning anyway?!) So, I bargained with myself. I had done most of the prep work for my meeting in my head at 4 A.M. so I didn’t really need to be early, on time was good enough, so I reset my alarm and went back to sleep. 1.8 seconds later my alarm went off again and my body protested. I shut off the alarm and tried to get out of bed only to pass out with one leg dangling over the side of the bed and my arm still on the night stand. I woke up a little later to find my meeting started in exactly 12 minutes. Fantastic. So I FLEW out of bed, scared poor Sasha to death by flinging a bowl of kibble at her before I rinsed off in the shower. No time for soap, just scalding hot water. It was as I was frantically drying off that I realized I smelled horrible and I remembered that I had curry for dinner the night before. Awesome. The good news is that I made it to my meeting only 4 minutes late and gave my little presentation. The bad news was that there wasn’t any coffee in the building and I smelled like the dumpster behind an Indian restaurant. I made a quick trip to a coffee shack near by for a cinnamon mocha and I’ll take a proper shower on my lunch break. I suppose after a Monday morning like this, my week can only improve!
Saturday night I got all gussied up and drove down with some friends to go dancing. I *heart* dancing and I don’t get to go that often since it’s a little insane to drive over 2 hours just to go to a club. It was a friend’s birthday and I was part of the birthday surprise. That really makes my feel goods happy, to know my mere presence is enough to count as a gift! We got to the club earlier than I normally get there so we didn’t even have to pay a cover charge, the birthday boy showed up and it was on like Donky Kong! It just happened to work out that pretty much everyone I know that ever goes clubbing was there that night so I ran into like a dozen different friends that I rarely ever see. I felt pretty popular. Not bad for a boy from Wyoming! We also got to hang out in the roped off VIP section with the nice couches and a fruit tray since my friends had reserved that for the birthday boy. That’s just how I roll, VIP all the way baby! ;-) There was a tiny bit of drama off and on all night, but all in all I had a fun time. Before I go back the next time I need to learn Pink’s part to Lady Marmalade. My friends are crazy fun and do things like designate solos to songs like that. Imagine my embarrassment to be bestowed with the honor of Pink’s solo, only to find that I don’t know the words. Inexcusable! We left just before the club closed to beat the rush and then against my better judgment we stopped for some McDonalds on the way home. I finally got to bed sometime around 4 in the morning. Whoof… I feel like maybe I’m getting too old for that sort of thing but I recovered fairly well yesterday and I firmly believe that you shouldn’t ever get so old that you don’t enjoy having fun! It helped that I didn’t drink much. After I had some coffee and some food yesterday I was a pretty happy camper. Noticeably happier even. Stupid little things that would normally piss me off simply amused me. I need to get out more often it seems!
Saturday night I got all gussied up and drove down with some friends to go dancing. I *heart* dancing and I don’t get to go that often since it’s a little insane to drive over 2 hours just to go to a club. It was a friend’s birthday and I was part of the birthday surprise. That really makes my feel goods happy, to know my mere presence is enough to count as a gift! We got to the club earlier than I normally get there so we didn’t even have to pay a cover charge, the birthday boy showed up and it was on like Donky Kong! It just happened to work out that pretty much everyone I know that ever goes clubbing was there that night so I ran into like a dozen different friends that I rarely ever see. I felt pretty popular. Not bad for a boy from Wyoming! We also got to hang out in the roped off VIP section with the nice couches and a fruit tray since my friends had reserved that for the birthday boy. That’s just how I roll, VIP all the way baby! ;-) There was a tiny bit of drama off and on all night, but all in all I had a fun time. Before I go back the next time I need to learn Pink’s part to Lady Marmalade. My friends are crazy fun and do things like designate solos to songs like that. Imagine my embarrassment to be bestowed with the honor of Pink’s solo, only to find that I don’t know the words. Inexcusable! We left just before the club closed to beat the rush and then against my better judgment we stopped for some McDonalds on the way home. I finally got to bed sometime around 4 in the morning. Whoof… I feel like maybe I’m getting too old for that sort of thing but I recovered fairly well yesterday and I firmly believe that you shouldn’t ever get so old that you don’t enjoy having fun! It helped that I didn’t drink much. After I had some coffee and some food yesterday I was a pretty happy camper. Noticeably happier even. Stupid little things that would normally piss me off simply amused me. I need to get out more often it seems!
Friday, November 21, 2008
And Now… The Rest of the Story
My last blog included (among other things) a little story about how I was stood up earlier in the week. I didn’t hear anything from him. I called while I was waiting and then sent a text after I quit waiting. I even sent an “olive branch” sort of email to him the next day. I explained that I’m probably too forgiving and that Laramie is a very small community so it would probably be best if we talked it out before he moved here so we didn’t have to have some awkward situation at Walmart or something. Nothing in reply… Until 1:36 last night. Yes, he chose the wee morning hours of a weekday to finally send a couple of texts to me. They explained that he dropped his phone and somehow managed to drive over it with his car and then he couldn’t remember the name of the restaurant so he just left town. Wow… even if that is true, that’s hardly an excuse to stand someone up. Even if he forgot the name of the restaurant, he knew it was down town and down town is only a few blocks. I even gave him the address – the corner of Ivenson and 2nd. Simple. Even if he only remembered one of those streets he could have found the place if he tried. That’s the point: “if he tried.” He didn’t. And even if he couldn’t remember anything about the name or location of the restaurant, he could have sent an email! RUDE!
I got a pleasant surprise at work yesterday. Not the surprise I was hoping for but something nice just the same. I learned some time ago that good news gets put in my mail slot at work and bad news gets mailed home. So, when I saw a sealed letter in one of the “good” envelopes in my mail slot I figured it was probably something at the very least “not bad.” Turns out my one year probationary period ended this week. The letter was really very nice and included glowing quotations from my supervisor about how awesome I am! As a token of their appreciation, they also gave me a lil raise. I hesitate to even call it a little raise, it’s simply “lil.” The phrase “it’s the thought that counts” applies here I think. But it was still nice and even a small raise is still a raise!
Then today… I ran into the IT guy and he off handedly asked if I had figured out how I was going to set up the new lab. To which I said: “eh?” It seems someone somewhere in the building decided the office I’m currently working in should be moved to the next room over and my supervisor (who doesn’t exist) will take over the office I’m currently working in. This was news to me. I’ve found that the people most directly affected by something at work are often the last to find out. I immediately started sleuthing and discovered this was true. After a couple of meetings I was able to talk them out of painting the walls in the new lab gray, talked them into repainting the horrible gray room, and scored permission to pick out pretty much anything I wanted to put on the walls of both rooms! Pretty exciting. I’ve been working in a gray windowless dungeon of a room for almost three years now. The prospect of walls that are not gray and art on the walls is really appealing! Plus this means we will actually have our own little department, complete with a conference table and a real desk for everyone that works there!
I’m going dancing this weekend with some friends. I’m excited to get my groove on!
I got a pleasant surprise at work yesterday. Not the surprise I was hoping for but something nice just the same. I learned some time ago that good news gets put in my mail slot at work and bad news gets mailed home. So, when I saw a sealed letter in one of the “good” envelopes in my mail slot I figured it was probably something at the very least “not bad.” Turns out my one year probationary period ended this week. The letter was really very nice and included glowing quotations from my supervisor about how awesome I am! As a token of their appreciation, they also gave me a lil raise. I hesitate to even call it a little raise, it’s simply “lil.” The phrase “it’s the thought that counts” applies here I think. But it was still nice and even a small raise is still a raise!
Then today… I ran into the IT guy and he off handedly asked if I had figured out how I was going to set up the new lab. To which I said: “eh?” It seems someone somewhere in the building decided the office I’m currently working in should be moved to the next room over and my supervisor (who doesn’t exist) will take over the office I’m currently working in. This was news to me. I’ve found that the people most directly affected by something at work are often the last to find out. I immediately started sleuthing and discovered this was true. After a couple of meetings I was able to talk them out of painting the walls in the new lab gray, talked them into repainting the horrible gray room, and scored permission to pick out pretty much anything I wanted to put on the walls of both rooms! Pretty exciting. I’ve been working in a gray windowless dungeon of a room for almost three years now. The prospect of walls that are not gray and art on the walls is really appealing! Plus this means we will actually have our own little department, complete with a conference table and a real desk for everyone that works there!
I’m going dancing this weekend with some friends. I’m excited to get my groove on!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Life is Like all Complicated and Junk…
So, yesterday I wrote about how I don’t really know how to proceed with my life since my Canadian left. I was talking in generalities and in theory at the time but then just a few hours later I had to make a real decision regarding dating. So, to clarify – Before my Canadian showed up, let’s call him “B” I had been on a date with another guy that lives in town, let’s call him “A.” The date with “A” went well, but he didn’t ever return my calls and we haven’t been out since. That sort of sucks but it makes things easier since “B” complicated my life tremendously. So, I wondered if I should continue dating after having effectively found my “soul mate.” Realistically, it would be silly and premature to quit dating in the hopes of someday being with “B” but that’s kind of what I want to do, at least right now. And then “C” showed up. He contacted me online since he was in town doing some research and wanted to talk to me about Matt Shepard. For the record, I hate talking about Matt. I didn’t know him and there are about 100 stories about what happened and nobody will ever know what really happened. So, I met with “C” yesterday so he could interview me. I did his interview but I was kind of on the defense and closed off the entire time. Later he messaged me online and ended up asking me all about myself and then asking me out on a date. I was hesitant. I ended up doing something classically “Keith” and told him all about my feelings for “B” but he still wanted to go out and “get his shot.” Honestly, he was coming on way too strong and I was starting to feel a bit like some prize but I consented and said I would have lunch with him today. We agreed on a time and a place and he seemed very excited. I arrived at the restaurant exactly on time and realized I didn’t have my cell phone. I ALWAYS have my cell phone so I had a mini panic attack but decided to go in and wait. Since it was a first date with a stranger I decided to not get a table until he showed up, which proved to be a smart move. I waited about 5 minutes then decided to go to my car and see if for some reason my phone was there even though I knew it was at home sitting on my bed, exactly where I left it that morning. I dawdled in my car for a few minutes then checked the restaurant again – still not there. Now all sorts of things were going through my head since I didn’t have my phone. Maybe he called to cancel or reschedule or maybe he’s running late and since I don’t have my phone I’ll never know! Ah! So, I made the decision to run home and get my phone since I had waited 15 minutes and he wasn’t there. I rushed home, found my phone exactly where I left it and… nothing. No messages, no explanation. Huh… So, I called him to say that I didn’t see him at the restaurant and that I ran home to get my phone. Then like a chump I went back to the restaurant. At this point it was pretty clear to everyone there that I had been stood up but I waited. Finally, after 30 minutes I went home to eat leftovers with my dog. Oddly enough, that was exactly what I wanted to do all along. So, now it’s been almost 5 hours and still no phone call, no text message, no email, nothing to explain why he would try so hard to get this date and then just not show up. Oh, and he’s going to be going to school here next semester so I’m sure to run into him again at some point. Insanity.
Just a reminder, I love hearing from people reading this junk. Leave a comment at the end or send me an email! I live for that sort of thing! ;)
Just a reminder, I love hearing from people reading this junk. Leave a comment at the end or send me an email! I live for that sort of thing! ;)
Monday, November 17, 2008
When There Are No Words Left
I haven’t written a blog in a while. I guess what’s left to say after my last blog? Good question. Let’s find out, shall we?
Since the departure of my Canadian, I’ve been having a little trouble picking up where my life left off before he was here. I’ve never really experienced anything that intense before and I’m not really sure what to do about it. Do I continue dating? Do I wait for “something” to happen? Do I randomly move to Canada? He read my sappy blog post about him and wrote me the sweetest email. Basically, he feels the same way but is just as much at a loss as to what to do about it. For now we agreed it would be insane and premature to make any sort of commitment to each other but we can’t dismiss what happened either. He’ll be moving somewhere in March, so I guess we will see where he lands. This might just be the reason I’ve been looking for to leave Wyoming. If it just happens to work out that in the next year we both get jobs in the same city then that will be the answer we were looking for. If not, then we can still meet up every now and then and stay in contact and see what happens in the future. We’re meeting up in San Francisco right after Christmas to spend a few days together. I’m pretty excited about that!
I am officially ruined as far as concerts go. I saw Madonna live last Wednesday and I can now say that I will probably never be able to watch another concert and not compare it to that one. The show included a car, a Ukrainian band, more dancers than you can imagine, a mobile dj platform, huge screens, stuff coming from up the stage, stuff coming from above, a grand piano, a 30 foot treadmill… it was pretty much awesome! Since I can’t properly describe the awesome-ness of this concert I’ll just include the set list and one of the video interludes.
Intro/Candy Shop
Beat Goes On
Human Nature
Vogue
Video Interlude - Die Another Day
Into The Groove
Heartbeat
Borderline
She’s Not Me
Music
Video Interlude - Rain/Here Comes The Rain Again
Devil Wouldn’t Recognize You
Spanish Lesson
Miles Away
La Isla Bonita/Lela Pala Tute
Doli Doli (Live interlude - Romanian folk song)
You Must Love Me
Video Interlude - Get Stupid (About saving the planet)
4 Minutes
Like A Prayer
Ray Of Light
Hung Up
Give It To Me (Finale)
On Saturday protests spontaneously took place in over 300 cities across the country and around the world in response to the passage of Prop. 8 in California. I realize that the voters of California legally decided as a group to deny marriage rights to same sex couples but that still sucks. They legally had this right under California constitution and voters stripped it away. I honestly don’t see what is so threatening about two people of the same sex getting married. It doesn’t in any way harm or lessens heterosexual marriages. Many people argue that this would be “redefining” marriage. Is that really such a bad thing or so unusual? Marriage was once defined as gaining of ownership of a woman. It was also once defined to deny marriage to African American’s and interracial couples. Marriage is the union of two souls that love each other. Does it matter what form that love takes? And is it really better that gay couples simply live together unmarried? I think it’s ironic that the Mormons were so against this when Utah was originally founded so they could have polygamous marriages. Basically, what they are saying is that it’s ok for them to have 9 wives but gay people can’t have one. Yeah, that’s fair. In many ways I think it was actually a good thing that Prop 8 passed. The gay community is starting to unify and people are starting to talk about this issue. Heck, if we can get 30 people out in Laramie, Wyoming to protest a law passed in California then that’s pretty amazing. While we were out on the street corner with our signs a gay couple drove past and then stopped to join us. They had been together for 28 years. They deserve the right to be married legally.
I finally got my “thanks but no thanks” letter from that job in Colorado Springs. It’s just as well. I don’t really think that’s the best place for me and I can’t really move until this summer anyway. At this very minute (as I’m writing this blog) I am also writing a job description for the work I’ve been doing for the last five months. It seems nobody knows what the “digital manager” does. My old boss was sort of an island and just did his thing without anyone else really understanding what he did. Except, I knew and I’ve been doing it since he left. I’ve been patiently waiting to either be hired to do his job or to pass on my knowledge to someone new. It turns out they’ve been having such a hard time replacing him since nobody knew what they were replacing and nobody thought to ask the one person that does know. So, here I sit… writing a description of what I’ve been doing for months so that they can hire someone that probably won’t even be me. It’s just as well. This spring I’m going to get serious about leaving and realistically I should be able to go somewhere new after my lease is up in June.
So, here is to new beginnings! Cheers!
Since the departure of my Canadian, I’ve been having a little trouble picking up where my life left off before he was here. I’ve never really experienced anything that intense before and I’m not really sure what to do about it. Do I continue dating? Do I wait for “something” to happen? Do I randomly move to Canada? He read my sappy blog post about him and wrote me the sweetest email. Basically, he feels the same way but is just as much at a loss as to what to do about it. For now we agreed it would be insane and premature to make any sort of commitment to each other but we can’t dismiss what happened either. He’ll be moving somewhere in March, so I guess we will see where he lands. This might just be the reason I’ve been looking for to leave Wyoming. If it just happens to work out that in the next year we both get jobs in the same city then that will be the answer we were looking for. If not, then we can still meet up every now and then and stay in contact and see what happens in the future. We’re meeting up in San Francisco right after Christmas to spend a few days together. I’m pretty excited about that!
I am officially ruined as far as concerts go. I saw Madonna live last Wednesday and I can now say that I will probably never be able to watch another concert and not compare it to that one. The show included a car, a Ukrainian band, more dancers than you can imagine, a mobile dj platform, huge screens, stuff coming from up the stage, stuff coming from above, a grand piano, a 30 foot treadmill… it was pretty much awesome! Since I can’t properly describe the awesome-ness of this concert I’ll just include the set list and one of the video interludes.
Intro/Candy Shop
Beat Goes On
Human Nature
Vogue
Video Interlude - Die Another Day
Into The Groove
Heartbeat
Borderline
She’s Not Me
Music
Video Interlude - Rain/Here Comes The Rain Again
Devil Wouldn’t Recognize You
Spanish Lesson
Miles Away
La Isla Bonita/Lela Pala Tute
Doli Doli (Live interlude - Romanian folk song)
You Must Love Me
Video Interlude - Get Stupid (About saving the planet)
4 Minutes
Like A Prayer
Ray Of Light
Hung Up
Give It To Me (Finale)
On Saturday protests spontaneously took place in over 300 cities across the country and around the world in response to the passage of Prop. 8 in California. I realize that the voters of California legally decided as a group to deny marriage rights to same sex couples but that still sucks. They legally had this right under California constitution and voters stripped it away. I honestly don’t see what is so threatening about two people of the same sex getting married. It doesn’t in any way harm or lessens heterosexual marriages. Many people argue that this would be “redefining” marriage. Is that really such a bad thing or so unusual? Marriage was once defined as gaining of ownership of a woman. It was also once defined to deny marriage to African American’s and interracial couples. Marriage is the union of two souls that love each other. Does it matter what form that love takes? And is it really better that gay couples simply live together unmarried? I think it’s ironic that the Mormons were so against this when Utah was originally founded so they could have polygamous marriages. Basically, what they are saying is that it’s ok for them to have 9 wives but gay people can’t have one. Yeah, that’s fair. In many ways I think it was actually a good thing that Prop 8 passed. The gay community is starting to unify and people are starting to talk about this issue. Heck, if we can get 30 people out in Laramie, Wyoming to protest a law passed in California then that’s pretty amazing. While we were out on the street corner with our signs a gay couple drove past and then stopped to join us. They had been together for 28 years. They deserve the right to be married legally.
I finally got my “thanks but no thanks” letter from that job in Colorado Springs. It’s just as well. I don’t really think that’s the best place for me and I can’t really move until this summer anyway. At this very minute (as I’m writing this blog) I am also writing a job description for the work I’ve been doing for the last five months. It seems nobody knows what the “digital manager” does. My old boss was sort of an island and just did his thing without anyone else really understanding what he did. Except, I knew and I’ve been doing it since he left. I’ve been patiently waiting to either be hired to do his job or to pass on my knowledge to someone new. It turns out they’ve been having such a hard time replacing him since nobody knew what they were replacing and nobody thought to ask the one person that does know. So, here I sit… writing a description of what I’ve been doing for months so that they can hire someone that probably won’t even be me. It’s just as well. This spring I’m going to get serious about leaving and realistically I should be able to go somewhere new after my lease is up in June.
So, here is to new beginnings! Cheers!
Monday, November 10, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
Did That Really Happen?
One of my favorite series is The Chronicles of Narnia. I’ve been reading the books from this series over and over since I was about 10 years old. One of my favorite parts is when the children return to their normal lives in England after being kings and queens in Narnia. They lived out lives as royalty only to step back through a wardrobe to find that no time has passed at all. It’s always bothered me that they were simply able to move on with their lives and continue being children after fighting battles and providing leadership for an entire kingdom but I think I understand now. They knew they would get to go back. They knew there would be more. They had the promise of brighter days in the future. Sometimes when things are good enough, that promise is enough to sustain you. The simple memory of who you were (even for a short time) is sometimes enough to allow you move on in a life that suddenly seems foreign to you.
The last 3 days have been so powerful and eventful for me that I feel like I just stepped through a wardrobe and back into my old life after living in an entirely different world for a few days.
I’m going to start with the election. Wow, I didn’t think I would see this day. Obama being elected was sort of a shock for me. I never once allowed myself to imagine even the possibility that he could actually win. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever wanted something to happen so badly in my entire life and so I purposely guarded myself against the disappointment of it not happening. When CNN called the election for Obama I was actually surprised. I couldn’t believe it was actually happening and that he had such a commanding lead that they could call it at 9:00. I imagined it would come down to the wire and that I would be up half the night waiting. McCain’s concession speech was very classy and thoughtful. I think it’s one of the few times in the last few months that his true personality has had a chance to shine past his campaign organizers and it reminded me that when this all began I decided that McCain wasn’t so bad. He really does care about this country and wanted what was best for us. I was impressed with McCain’s concession speech and then Obama took the stage in Chicago with Michelle and his two daughters and I just lost it. The tears started streaming down my cheeks. What a beautiful, intelligent family. Obama’s speech was amazing and I have never been more excited about the future. And then I felt something else, something I haven’t felt for years – pride. Pride in my country, pride in my president, just pride in general. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those people that hates America. For all of our faults and problems, this is still an amazing country. It’s just been a long time since I felt like we were on the right track and moving forward with a leader that had the interest of ALL of his people at heart.
“If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer. It's the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen, by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different, that their voices could be that difference. It's the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled. Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states. We are, and always will be, the United States of America.” Barack Obama’s Acceptance Speech, November 5, 2008.
Obama is going to have an exceptionally difficult presidency since just being average is out of the question for him. He must be exceptional since everyone expects nothing less than for him to change the world. I believe he can do it though. I’m not going to write about any of the ballet initiatives this time since I want this to be a happy blog.
I had company for the election results this year. I’m still reeling from this experience and trying to figure out what happened. It was wonderful, just very confusing.
Last May I presented at a conference in New York. I randomly found out about the conference a week before the proposals were due and managed to put something together and submit it the same day they were due. I was accepted to speak as part of a panel and I made plans to fly to the big city all by myself. I got there, I did my thing and after my talk I was approached by this cute guy who seemed to be nervous. He introduced himself and we chatted for a few minutes and then he made some comment about how he planned on going to an art show and then another presentation and then sort of half suggested getting a drink at some point. I didn’t get that he was asking me out at the time. After I got back to Wyoming he contacted me and we started corresponding through email. I always look forward to getting a note from him. He’s an author, a teacher, an activist, and just an all around great guy. He had been planning a trip to Laramie for years to do research at the AHC and he finally made the trip here. I picked him up at the airport, we had a nice chat on the drive home and stopped for some “Colorado style” pizza in Fort Collins. I was my usual awkward self and didn’t really know what was happening. Was this a date? How could it be a date? We live in different countries. (Oh, did I mention he’s Canadian?) The conversation flowed and it was like discovering your long lost twin. By the next day my defenses were completely down. All of them… and there are a lot. Some of my walls are put up just to see if there is anyone strong enough to break them down, many are products of a past life lived in secrecy, and many are defenses I’ve built to keep from getting hurt again. But it didn’t matter, without even trying, he completely disarmed me in less than a day. I would say that we have a lot in common, since we do – but it was more than that. We just fit together like a key in a lock – two very different items but both equally important and compliment each other perfectly. He slipped into my life so seamlessly that it was as if he had always been there and I couldn’t imagine or really even remember a time when he wasn’t. He was only here for three days but if felt like a lifetime. I’m not sure what to do or say at this point. I’m not sure if this story is over or not. I know I’ll see him again but I don’t know that we will ever have more than what we had this week. Somehow I’m ok with that though. If given the chance I would snatch him up and keep him forever but even if I don’t ever get that chance I’ll always have the time we spent together. Pizza in Colorado, wrangling Sasha, leftovers on my lunch break, a presentation on campus, two weepy old queens sitting on the couch as history is made, the best steak dinner date I’ve ever been on, cuddling, movies, a drive to the airport, a kiss goodbye and not having to care who was looking, watching him as he went through airport security, going back to my car alone, and fighting tears the entire drive home. But the tears never came and they no longer threaten me today. The entire experience has given me hope. If two kindred souls can randomly find each other in this huge world and share a connection this deep in such a short amount of time, then that’s pretty awesome. Who cares what the next chapter is, it’s bound to unfold exactly as it should. Today I’m just going to be happy and hopeful and look forward to the days to come.
The last 3 days have been so powerful and eventful for me that I feel like I just stepped through a wardrobe and back into my old life after living in an entirely different world for a few days.
I’m going to start with the election. Wow, I didn’t think I would see this day. Obama being elected was sort of a shock for me. I never once allowed myself to imagine even the possibility that he could actually win. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever wanted something to happen so badly in my entire life and so I purposely guarded myself against the disappointment of it not happening. When CNN called the election for Obama I was actually surprised. I couldn’t believe it was actually happening and that he had such a commanding lead that they could call it at 9:00. I imagined it would come down to the wire and that I would be up half the night waiting. McCain’s concession speech was very classy and thoughtful. I think it’s one of the few times in the last few months that his true personality has had a chance to shine past his campaign organizers and it reminded me that when this all began I decided that McCain wasn’t so bad. He really does care about this country and wanted what was best for us. I was impressed with McCain’s concession speech and then Obama took the stage in Chicago with Michelle and his two daughters and I just lost it. The tears started streaming down my cheeks. What a beautiful, intelligent family. Obama’s speech was amazing and I have never been more excited about the future. And then I felt something else, something I haven’t felt for years – pride. Pride in my country, pride in my president, just pride in general. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those people that hates America. For all of our faults and problems, this is still an amazing country. It’s just been a long time since I felt like we were on the right track and moving forward with a leader that had the interest of ALL of his people at heart.
“If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer. It's the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen, by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different, that their voices could be that difference. It's the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled. Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states. We are, and always will be, the United States of America.” Barack Obama’s Acceptance Speech, November 5, 2008.
Obama is going to have an exceptionally difficult presidency since just being average is out of the question for him. He must be exceptional since everyone expects nothing less than for him to change the world. I believe he can do it though. I’m not going to write about any of the ballet initiatives this time since I want this to be a happy blog.
I had company for the election results this year. I’m still reeling from this experience and trying to figure out what happened. It was wonderful, just very confusing.
Last May I presented at a conference in New York. I randomly found out about the conference a week before the proposals were due and managed to put something together and submit it the same day they were due. I was accepted to speak as part of a panel and I made plans to fly to the big city all by myself. I got there, I did my thing and after my talk I was approached by this cute guy who seemed to be nervous. He introduced himself and we chatted for a few minutes and then he made some comment about how he planned on going to an art show and then another presentation and then sort of half suggested getting a drink at some point. I didn’t get that he was asking me out at the time. After I got back to Wyoming he contacted me and we started corresponding through email. I always look forward to getting a note from him. He’s an author, a teacher, an activist, and just an all around great guy. He had been planning a trip to Laramie for years to do research at the AHC and he finally made the trip here. I picked him up at the airport, we had a nice chat on the drive home and stopped for some “Colorado style” pizza in Fort Collins. I was my usual awkward self and didn’t really know what was happening. Was this a date? How could it be a date? We live in different countries. (Oh, did I mention he’s Canadian?) The conversation flowed and it was like discovering your long lost twin. By the next day my defenses were completely down. All of them… and there are a lot. Some of my walls are put up just to see if there is anyone strong enough to break them down, many are products of a past life lived in secrecy, and many are defenses I’ve built to keep from getting hurt again. But it didn’t matter, without even trying, he completely disarmed me in less than a day. I would say that we have a lot in common, since we do – but it was more than that. We just fit together like a key in a lock – two very different items but both equally important and compliment each other perfectly. He slipped into my life so seamlessly that it was as if he had always been there and I couldn’t imagine or really even remember a time when he wasn’t. He was only here for three days but if felt like a lifetime. I’m not sure what to do or say at this point. I’m not sure if this story is over or not. I know I’ll see him again but I don’t know that we will ever have more than what we had this week. Somehow I’m ok with that though. If given the chance I would snatch him up and keep him forever but even if I don’t ever get that chance I’ll always have the time we spent together. Pizza in Colorado, wrangling Sasha, leftovers on my lunch break, a presentation on campus, two weepy old queens sitting on the couch as history is made, the best steak dinner date I’ve ever been on, cuddling, movies, a drive to the airport, a kiss goodbye and not having to care who was looking, watching him as he went through airport security, going back to my car alone, and fighting tears the entire drive home. But the tears never came and they no longer threaten me today. The entire experience has given me hope. If two kindred souls can randomly find each other in this huge world and share a connection this deep in such a short amount of time, then that’s pretty awesome. Who cares what the next chapter is, it’s bound to unfold exactly as it should. Today I’m just going to be happy and hopeful and look forward to the days to come.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Mission Accomplished!
Question asked, answer given. Our first date will be on Halloween. I'm not sure if that's odd. My first relationship started on Halloween 8 years ago. I'm pretty excited!
Walk On
Someone recently told me that I write better when I’m happy. I suppose that makes sense. Being angry and bitter doesn’t really suite me. I’m more of a hopeful optimist. I guess it’s sort of my “thing.” So, on that note – here is a happy feel good blog with a healthy dose of nostalgia mixed in for good measure. Course, I say that but I have no idea what will actually come out in this blog. I’ll do my best to keep it upbeat!
I went home this weekend to see my family and to pack up some of my things from my childhood room. My parents are building a new house and I’m losing “my” room. It’s probably time. It’s stayed mostly unchanged for 8 years. I’m a pretty nostalgic person so I expected for this to be a lot more traumatizing than it actually was. I hate letting go, “growing up,” and that sort of thing. And yet, my biggest issue was simply figuring out where I would put all that stuff. I brought back several boxes of books, a shelf, a box of Hotwheels, a tub of Legos and two boxes of dishes – and that was only a small percentage of all the stuff I have to find a place for.
Going home to Moorcroft was an odd experience for me this time. I’m not sure why it struck me so hard this particular trip, but I have completely outgrown that town. It has nothing to offer me and going there is almost like time traveling. I went to the grocery store with my mom and it was such an odd experience. She remarked about how they carried bowtie pasta now (apparently they didn’t before and she would have to buy it in Gillette, 30 miles away). I noticed that the produce section was smaller than the lettuce section in most grocery stores and that they had a big canning section. I noticed 50 pound bags of potatoes. I noticed items that I was unaware anyone had used in years and that I don’t normally see in most stores. Everything there was geared at a much slower lifestyle, which is great but somehow seemed very odd to me.
There was also this really odd incident where my mom ran into another mom at the store. I was there with my mom and they said hello to each other and the other mom looked right at me and said “Is Kirby home too.” Then she went on to talk about her kids and to ask all sorts of questions about my brother, but completely ignored me. Have I become the black sheep of Moorcroft? Am I now the social pariah? I’ve never really fit in but it’s just small town courtesy to ask about all of someone’s kids, not just one. I was a nice kid in high school. Moms liked me. I was the freaking prom king for crying out loud. I’ve gone on to do a lot of really great things since high school and I don’t have to prove anything to some stupid small town mom looking down her nose to me. I really mean it though; I’m not hurt or upset about this incident. I would barely even call it an incident. I had no interest in her or her kids so why should I expect her to care about me? It’s also entirely possible that I imagined the entire thing. Either way, I guess it’s good to realize that I’ve moved on and the world I’ve created for myself in no way resembles the world I once lived in. It’s not a bad thing; it’s just the nature of life.
This seems considerably less “hopeful” and “happy” than I planned on. So, moving on!
Work stuff is about the same as always. I’m pretty much bored to tears while I’m at work about 80% of the time, which is why I do things like write long blogs as I’m working. But even though I’m bored and my job is completely unsatisfying, it is still a job, it pays well, it can sometimes be interesting, and I like the people I work with. Things could be a lot worse. I did apply for a couple other jobs last week, one here, one elsewhere. I feel good about them and I think I’ll be given at least one offer and even if I don’t get either job, there is nothing wrong with this one. I just feel like it’s time for more.
I mentioned in a past blog (I think) that I plan on asking someone out. I haven’t done it yet but it’s going to happen in the very near future. I’m a little scared to be honest. This guy seems to have no internet presence at all so I know very little about him. I’m used to doing my “research” before going out with someone. Read a profile or two, look at pictures, read an “about me” essay, chat a few times… that sort of thing. I guess this is how dating worked in the past. It scares me but I think I like it. A mutual friend has been helping to facilitate the entire process and has spoken to each of us. Wow, that makes it sound like she’s negotiating some sort of treaty or something! I guess the moral of the story is that I don’t really know him but he comes highly recommended by someone I trust and I’m kind of excited about the prospect of getting to know someone in person!
But, since my life is weird, awkward, and complicated… I had coffee with a friend last night. He’s a nice guy and if situations were slightly different I would date him in a second but as it is our relationship looks something like this: We have coffee about once a month, we chat and have a nice time and then it’s another month before I hear anything at all from him. It’s a little odd but it works, at least for now. But last night seemed different somehow. We had a really nice chat for over two hours and I couldn’t help but notice that almost all of our random conversations really pointed out that we have a lot in common. Nothing was different than it ever had been, but at the same thing everything had changed. It had the feel of a date. At one point he asked me if we could “go out” sometime in the near future. We also made a lot of odd offhand future plans. “Oh, you’ve never done such-and-such? Well, sometime I’ll have to take you to do that.” I think we have plans to have dinner on either Friday or Saturday but I honestly have no idea if that’s going to really happen. Very unexpected and odd.
When it rains, it pours. I could go weeks or months without going on a single date and then all at once two or three guys will suddenly get interested in me all at once and then there is usually some random awkward stuff mixed in for good measure. I suppose it should be flattering, but it’s just weird and complicated. Well, this time I’m not going to worry about it. A date does not equal a relationship and I can date as many people as I want until I decide one should be more. No sense in shutting a door when you’re not sure where you’re going!
I’ve been obsessed with The Weepies lately. I’m going to end with the lyrics to Can’t Go Back Now.
Yesterday, when you were young,
Everything you needed done was done for you.
Now you do it on your own
But you find you're all alone,
What can you do?
You and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now.
You know there will be days when you're so tired that you can't take another step,
The night will have no stars and you'll think you've gone as far as you will ever get
But you and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now
And yeah, yeah, go where you want to go
Be what you want to be,
If you ever turn around, you'll see me.
I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself
And you and me walk on
Yeah you and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now
Walk on, walk on, walk on
You can't go back now
I went home this weekend to see my family and to pack up some of my things from my childhood room. My parents are building a new house and I’m losing “my” room. It’s probably time. It’s stayed mostly unchanged for 8 years. I’m a pretty nostalgic person so I expected for this to be a lot more traumatizing than it actually was. I hate letting go, “growing up,” and that sort of thing. And yet, my biggest issue was simply figuring out where I would put all that stuff. I brought back several boxes of books, a shelf, a box of Hotwheels, a tub of Legos and two boxes of dishes – and that was only a small percentage of all the stuff I have to find a place for.
Going home to Moorcroft was an odd experience for me this time. I’m not sure why it struck me so hard this particular trip, but I have completely outgrown that town. It has nothing to offer me and going there is almost like time traveling. I went to the grocery store with my mom and it was such an odd experience. She remarked about how they carried bowtie pasta now (apparently they didn’t before and she would have to buy it in Gillette, 30 miles away). I noticed that the produce section was smaller than the lettuce section in most grocery stores and that they had a big canning section. I noticed 50 pound bags of potatoes. I noticed items that I was unaware anyone had used in years and that I don’t normally see in most stores. Everything there was geared at a much slower lifestyle, which is great but somehow seemed very odd to me.
There was also this really odd incident where my mom ran into another mom at the store. I was there with my mom and they said hello to each other and the other mom looked right at me and said “Is Kirby home too.” Then she went on to talk about her kids and to ask all sorts of questions about my brother, but completely ignored me. Have I become the black sheep of Moorcroft? Am I now the social pariah? I’ve never really fit in but it’s just small town courtesy to ask about all of someone’s kids, not just one. I was a nice kid in high school. Moms liked me. I was the freaking prom king for crying out loud. I’ve gone on to do a lot of really great things since high school and I don’t have to prove anything to some stupid small town mom looking down her nose to me. I really mean it though; I’m not hurt or upset about this incident. I would barely even call it an incident. I had no interest in her or her kids so why should I expect her to care about me? It’s also entirely possible that I imagined the entire thing. Either way, I guess it’s good to realize that I’ve moved on and the world I’ve created for myself in no way resembles the world I once lived in. It’s not a bad thing; it’s just the nature of life.
This seems considerably less “hopeful” and “happy” than I planned on. So, moving on!
Work stuff is about the same as always. I’m pretty much bored to tears while I’m at work about 80% of the time, which is why I do things like write long blogs as I’m working. But even though I’m bored and my job is completely unsatisfying, it is still a job, it pays well, it can sometimes be interesting, and I like the people I work with. Things could be a lot worse. I did apply for a couple other jobs last week, one here, one elsewhere. I feel good about them and I think I’ll be given at least one offer and even if I don’t get either job, there is nothing wrong with this one. I just feel like it’s time for more.
I mentioned in a past blog (I think) that I plan on asking someone out. I haven’t done it yet but it’s going to happen in the very near future. I’m a little scared to be honest. This guy seems to have no internet presence at all so I know very little about him. I’m used to doing my “research” before going out with someone. Read a profile or two, look at pictures, read an “about me” essay, chat a few times… that sort of thing. I guess this is how dating worked in the past. It scares me but I think I like it. A mutual friend has been helping to facilitate the entire process and has spoken to each of us. Wow, that makes it sound like she’s negotiating some sort of treaty or something! I guess the moral of the story is that I don’t really know him but he comes highly recommended by someone I trust and I’m kind of excited about the prospect of getting to know someone in person!
But, since my life is weird, awkward, and complicated… I had coffee with a friend last night. He’s a nice guy and if situations were slightly different I would date him in a second but as it is our relationship looks something like this: We have coffee about once a month, we chat and have a nice time and then it’s another month before I hear anything at all from him. It’s a little odd but it works, at least for now. But last night seemed different somehow. We had a really nice chat for over two hours and I couldn’t help but notice that almost all of our random conversations really pointed out that we have a lot in common. Nothing was different than it ever had been, but at the same thing everything had changed. It had the feel of a date. At one point he asked me if we could “go out” sometime in the near future. We also made a lot of odd offhand future plans. “Oh, you’ve never done such-and-such? Well, sometime I’ll have to take you to do that.” I think we have plans to have dinner on either Friday or Saturday but I honestly have no idea if that’s going to really happen. Very unexpected and odd.
When it rains, it pours. I could go weeks or months without going on a single date and then all at once two or three guys will suddenly get interested in me all at once and then there is usually some random awkward stuff mixed in for good measure. I suppose it should be flattering, but it’s just weird and complicated. Well, this time I’m not going to worry about it. A date does not equal a relationship and I can date as many people as I want until I decide one should be more. No sense in shutting a door when you’re not sure where you’re going!
I’ve been obsessed with The Weepies lately. I’m going to end with the lyrics to Can’t Go Back Now.
Yesterday, when you were young,
Everything you needed done was done for you.
Now you do it on your own
But you find you're all alone,
What can you do?
You and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now.
You know there will be days when you're so tired that you can't take another step,
The night will have no stars and you'll think you've gone as far as you will ever get
But you and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now
And yeah, yeah, go where you want to go
Be what you want to be,
If you ever turn around, you'll see me.
I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself
And you and me walk on
Yeah you and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now
Walk on, walk on, walk on
You can't go back now
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Advanced Dreaming
Apparently October is paranormal month in my blog. To continue that theme…
Dreams are odd things to me. I really like having dreams and not to toot my own horn but I’m really good at it! Someone once told me that most people aren’t able to dream in color. I’m not sure if that’s true. Most people I’ve asked either know for certain that they can or simply had never thought about it before. My dreams are typically in full color but sometimes only certain colors are accentuated. I assume when that happens my brain is trying to tell me something through that color. I also recall being able to smell and feel things in my dreams, which seems slightly unusual but might also be more common than I know. Most importantly, I’m able to stop, pause, and rewrite dreams. It’s like having a tivo in my head! Usually when I’m having a dream some small part of me is still conscious of what’s going on and knows that I am dreaming. If I am really enjoying a dream but something wakes me up unexpectedly, I can sometimes go back into the dream and sometimes if I don’t like what is going on I can either wake myself up or change the outcome of the dream. I rarely have nightmares and when I do they are rarely ever set up in my head to convey an event taking place, but instead it’s just a feeling of dread or sorrow that creeps into my sleep without any sort of image or sound to go with it. It’s sort of hard to explain.
Last night I had a dream about my husband. As far as I know, I’ve not yet met him, at least not in person (but I could be wrong). I have met him on the dreamscape at least twice. The first time we were standing in a park in the dark sort of slow dancing. I couldn’t see his face but at the time it didn’t matter, I knew who he was. It’s like when you go to sleep with your significant other next to you. If you wake up in the middle of the night you don’t need to verify who is in bed with you, you just know who it is – it’s the same in my dreams. Early this morning I met him again. This time we were in some huge beautiful art museum/ archive. I knew where I was at the time and knew I worked there but now that I’m awake, I couldn’t tell you where it is or if it even exists in real life. I was giving him a tour. This time I could see his face but my mind assigned a name to him and it was the name of someone I knew, so he took on some warped characteristics of that person. This happened the first time also. It was the same guy both times but each time I called him by a different name and he took on slightly different characteristics to match the name I called him. I think this was just my way of explaining who he was even though he physically didn’t look anything like either of the guys whose name I called him. I doubt that that makes sense… My brain knew he was my husband, but my brain also knew that I hadn’t yet met him and therefore couldn’t possibly know who he was so it inserted the name of someone important to me each time so that the character could exist in my sleep-mind without question. It’s very strange. I can describe his build and height, the color and cut of his hair, and I would even recognize his cologne if I smelled it again but I couldn’t tell you what his face looks like or what his name is. In this dream he was a writer or maybe a researcher or teacher of some sort. The first dream was years ago and it took place shortly after we were married and we had been together for a while. I believe the dream I had this morning was a recollection/ premonition of our first date.
I honestly don’t know if I believe any of what I just said. I suppose there could be some truth to it. I suppose the guy in my dream was a subconscious construct of all the traits and characteristics I want in a guy. I suppose it’s also possible that my dreams have some measure of prophetic value. I might meet that specific guy some day while I’m working in an art museum or an archive. It is more likely that it was all simply symbolic. I currently work in an archive adjoined to an art museum and I would give a tour of the building to someone I was dating. Also, yesterday I applied for a job in an art museum and I was thinking about giving a tour to a friend that is coming to visit in a couple of weeks, who happens to be a writer. Maybe this was my brain’s way of sorting things out. Who knows. But I remember the feel of his hand in mine, the smell of his cologne as he leaned in close to me, and the way I felt about him. He was obviously important and someone I knew. It was a very powerful dream.
Dreams are odd things to me. I really like having dreams and not to toot my own horn but I’m really good at it! Someone once told me that most people aren’t able to dream in color. I’m not sure if that’s true. Most people I’ve asked either know for certain that they can or simply had never thought about it before. My dreams are typically in full color but sometimes only certain colors are accentuated. I assume when that happens my brain is trying to tell me something through that color. I also recall being able to smell and feel things in my dreams, which seems slightly unusual but might also be more common than I know. Most importantly, I’m able to stop, pause, and rewrite dreams. It’s like having a tivo in my head! Usually when I’m having a dream some small part of me is still conscious of what’s going on and knows that I am dreaming. If I am really enjoying a dream but something wakes me up unexpectedly, I can sometimes go back into the dream and sometimes if I don’t like what is going on I can either wake myself up or change the outcome of the dream. I rarely have nightmares and when I do they are rarely ever set up in my head to convey an event taking place, but instead it’s just a feeling of dread or sorrow that creeps into my sleep without any sort of image or sound to go with it. It’s sort of hard to explain.
Last night I had a dream about my husband. As far as I know, I’ve not yet met him, at least not in person (but I could be wrong). I have met him on the dreamscape at least twice. The first time we were standing in a park in the dark sort of slow dancing. I couldn’t see his face but at the time it didn’t matter, I knew who he was. It’s like when you go to sleep with your significant other next to you. If you wake up in the middle of the night you don’t need to verify who is in bed with you, you just know who it is – it’s the same in my dreams. Early this morning I met him again. This time we were in some huge beautiful art museum/ archive. I knew where I was at the time and knew I worked there but now that I’m awake, I couldn’t tell you where it is or if it even exists in real life. I was giving him a tour. This time I could see his face but my mind assigned a name to him and it was the name of someone I knew, so he took on some warped characteristics of that person. This happened the first time also. It was the same guy both times but each time I called him by a different name and he took on slightly different characteristics to match the name I called him. I think this was just my way of explaining who he was even though he physically didn’t look anything like either of the guys whose name I called him. I doubt that that makes sense… My brain knew he was my husband, but my brain also knew that I hadn’t yet met him and therefore couldn’t possibly know who he was so it inserted the name of someone important to me each time so that the character could exist in my sleep-mind without question. It’s very strange. I can describe his build and height, the color and cut of his hair, and I would even recognize his cologne if I smelled it again but I couldn’t tell you what his face looks like or what his name is. In this dream he was a writer or maybe a researcher or teacher of some sort. The first dream was years ago and it took place shortly after we were married and we had been together for a while. I believe the dream I had this morning was a recollection/ premonition of our first date.
I honestly don’t know if I believe any of what I just said. I suppose there could be some truth to it. I suppose the guy in my dream was a subconscious construct of all the traits and characteristics I want in a guy. I suppose it’s also possible that my dreams have some measure of prophetic value. I might meet that specific guy some day while I’m working in an art museum or an archive. It is more likely that it was all simply symbolic. I currently work in an archive adjoined to an art museum and I would give a tour of the building to someone I was dating. Also, yesterday I applied for a job in an art museum and I was thinking about giving a tour to a friend that is coming to visit in a couple of weeks, who happens to be a writer. Maybe this was my brain’s way of sorting things out. Who knows. But I remember the feel of his hand in mine, the smell of his cologne as he leaned in close to me, and the way I felt about him. He was obviously important and someone I knew. It was a very powerful dream.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
The Phantom of the Archives
Just in time for the Halloween season, I have a spooky and true ghost story to share. I should preface this with the fact that I didn’t really worry about my office being haunted until we recently hired a part time worker. She’s a very nice lady and a very good worker and claims to be a sensitive, meaning she can see auras and ghosts and is mildly empathic. I honestly don’t know where I weigh in on any of those things. I certainly believe there are things going on around us that we aren’t really aware of and I’ve experienced some pretty weird things before so I can’t say that I don’t believe in ghosts but at the same time I’m not entirely sure that I do believe in them.
So, we were joking around one day and she said something about my office being haunted and I kind of laughed and she said she was serious and that she’s been tapped on the shoulder several times and been given a hug at least twice. I just thought “well at least the ghost is friendly” and sort of dismissed it. I always figured it was entirely likely that we had a few energies come into the building attached to the collections. We have something like 120,000 cubic feet of stuff in the building and it’s all important, old, and most of it belonged to people that are no longer living.
I try to not think about any of that while I’m in my office though. It’s isolated, it’s hard to get to, it’s completely windowless, and I’m often the only person down in that part of the building. So, it wasn’t unusual when I found myself alone in that part of the building last Thursday. The secretary in the adjoining office either left early or was working upstairs, the IT guy across the hall was gone, my assistant wasn’t in, and the part time worker went home early. I was in my office doing my thing and I heard footsteps in the storage room next door. It sounded like someone walking very determinedly in heels from one end of the stacks to the other and then back. It seemed a little odd that someone would be pacing back and forth in heels but I didn’t think much of it since people often work in the storage rooms. So, I kept working until a little after five and I heard someone still walking around in there. Since I was the last person in that part of the building I was shutting things down, locking doors, and shutting lights off. I decided to unlock the door to the storage room and tell whoever was in there that I was going home and to ask them if they would make sure all the doors were shut behind them. But… the room was empty. Nobody was in there. Not only that but the moving stacks had been deactivated and there were tarps over them since contractors were getting ready to replace some pipes in there so it was highly unlikely that anyone would have been working in there. Well, that freaked me out since there is only one door in and out and nobody had been through for a while and I had just heard someone walking around in there a few minutes before. I asked one more time (this time a little more plaintively and loudly) if anyone was in that room and got no response. At this point I was pretty freaked out so I told the empty room that I was going to shut off the lights and go home, which I did – as quickly as I could!
So, we were joking around one day and she said something about my office being haunted and I kind of laughed and she said she was serious and that she’s been tapped on the shoulder several times and been given a hug at least twice. I just thought “well at least the ghost is friendly” and sort of dismissed it. I always figured it was entirely likely that we had a few energies come into the building attached to the collections. We have something like 120,000 cubic feet of stuff in the building and it’s all important, old, and most of it belonged to people that are no longer living.
I try to not think about any of that while I’m in my office though. It’s isolated, it’s hard to get to, it’s completely windowless, and I’m often the only person down in that part of the building. So, it wasn’t unusual when I found myself alone in that part of the building last Thursday. The secretary in the adjoining office either left early or was working upstairs, the IT guy across the hall was gone, my assistant wasn’t in, and the part time worker went home early. I was in my office doing my thing and I heard footsteps in the storage room next door. It sounded like someone walking very determinedly in heels from one end of the stacks to the other and then back. It seemed a little odd that someone would be pacing back and forth in heels but I didn’t think much of it since people often work in the storage rooms. So, I kept working until a little after five and I heard someone still walking around in there. Since I was the last person in that part of the building I was shutting things down, locking doors, and shutting lights off. I decided to unlock the door to the storage room and tell whoever was in there that I was going home and to ask them if they would make sure all the doors were shut behind them. But… the room was empty. Nobody was in there. Not only that but the moving stacks had been deactivated and there were tarps over them since contractors were getting ready to replace some pipes in there so it was highly unlikely that anyone would have been working in there. Well, that freaked me out since there is only one door in and out and nobody had been through for a while and I had just heard someone walking around in there a few minutes before. I asked one more time (this time a little more plaintively and loudly) if anyone was in that room and got no response. At this point I was pretty freaked out so I told the empty room that I was going to shut off the lights and go home, which I did – as quickly as I could!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Blank
I’ve opened a blank Word document several times in the last few days with the intention of writing a blog. I’ve stared at the blank screen and eventually just closed it without writing anything. I guess there just isn’t much going on in my life at the moment.
In the last week or two, a lot of my friends have been having some pretty horrible relationship problems. Relationships that had existed for years suddenly crumbled, new relationships faltered, and I am still struggling with my own demons.
It really makes me wonder how any two people can ever make anything work. Maybe my ideas about relationships draw too much on fairy tails. Maybe it’s all part of a cycle of growth and learning. After all, how can anyone really truly understand goodness and love without understanding their negative counterparts? Sometimes I wonder how much we have to learn before we can just be content, but I doubt there is ever a cut off point. We have to just keep going forward and be ok with the fact that most of the journey has to be completed alone. I suppose it just makes you appreciate it more when you have some company on your voyage.
Since I am decidedly single, I don’t have a lot to say about past relationships or lost relationships right now. (I know, weird huh?) New relationships and forward movement have been weighing heavy on my mind lately. Entering into a new relationship is a delicate balancing act. You have to trust your intuition, yet you also have to go out on a limb and leave your comfort zone. It’s scary. I’ve found that I have really good intuition but I deliberately ignore it in the hopes that I’m wrong. It’s a good thing I have some good friends that aren’t afraid to give me a boot in the ass when I do that.
Lately, I’ve been trying to determine if I even really want to be in a relationship. I mean I get lonely sometimes and would love to have some company around but I am also reasonably happy with my life right now. Plus, I’m a pretty big fan of sleeping diagonally in the center of the bed! But ultimately, I’m not a solitary sort of person and I would like someone in my life.
Recently a new prospect has materialized, seemingly out of nowhere. A mutual friend has been trying to convince me to ask him out for a few weeks. I’m not sure if he’s my “type” but I’m also not sure what my “type” is. Lately, it seems to be guys that are physically and/or emotionally unavailable that will ultimately hurt me in some way, whether they mean to or not. Someone reminded me recently that my type was more along the lines of a guy that is intelligent, has a lot of personality, and it wouldn’t hurt if he’s kind of cute. That’s all true and this new guy fits all of those criteria. It’s been years since I actually went out with someone that lived in the same town as me. That simplifies things considerably! I’m actually sort of excited about all this and I hope I see him in the near future. I don’t even remember the last time I asked someone out in person. It’s kind of a scary prospect, but in a good way!
In the last week or two, a lot of my friends have been having some pretty horrible relationship problems. Relationships that had existed for years suddenly crumbled, new relationships faltered, and I am still struggling with my own demons.
It really makes me wonder how any two people can ever make anything work. Maybe my ideas about relationships draw too much on fairy tails. Maybe it’s all part of a cycle of growth and learning. After all, how can anyone really truly understand goodness and love without understanding their negative counterparts? Sometimes I wonder how much we have to learn before we can just be content, but I doubt there is ever a cut off point. We have to just keep going forward and be ok with the fact that most of the journey has to be completed alone. I suppose it just makes you appreciate it more when you have some company on your voyage.
Since I am decidedly single, I don’t have a lot to say about past relationships or lost relationships right now. (I know, weird huh?) New relationships and forward movement have been weighing heavy on my mind lately. Entering into a new relationship is a delicate balancing act. You have to trust your intuition, yet you also have to go out on a limb and leave your comfort zone. It’s scary. I’ve found that I have really good intuition but I deliberately ignore it in the hopes that I’m wrong. It’s a good thing I have some good friends that aren’t afraid to give me a boot in the ass when I do that.
Lately, I’ve been trying to determine if I even really want to be in a relationship. I mean I get lonely sometimes and would love to have some company around but I am also reasonably happy with my life right now. Plus, I’m a pretty big fan of sleeping diagonally in the center of the bed! But ultimately, I’m not a solitary sort of person and I would like someone in my life.
Recently a new prospect has materialized, seemingly out of nowhere. A mutual friend has been trying to convince me to ask him out for a few weeks. I’m not sure if he’s my “type” but I’m also not sure what my “type” is. Lately, it seems to be guys that are physically and/or emotionally unavailable that will ultimately hurt me in some way, whether they mean to or not. Someone reminded me recently that my type was more along the lines of a guy that is intelligent, has a lot of personality, and it wouldn’t hurt if he’s kind of cute. That’s all true and this new guy fits all of those criteria. It’s been years since I actually went out with someone that lived in the same town as me. That simplifies things considerably! I’m actually sort of excited about all this and I hope I see him in the near future. I don’t even remember the last time I asked someone out in person. It’s kind of a scary prospect, but in a good way!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Trial by Fire
A trial by fire is an ordeal, a process of being tested and judged, and in the end you either survive or you don’t. It can also be thought of as a forging process where in the end, provided you make it to the end, you are stronger. My trial was not by fire, but instead by water in the form of my own swallowed tears.
I remember ten years ago on this very morning hearing the news that some “fag” in Laramie was beaten. I don’t remember if I heard the news at home before school or if I heard it at school. I don’t remember who told me. I don’t really even remember who used the word fag. I honestly don’t even remember if I heard Matt described as a fag. I imagine I did though. My memories of that time are vague, more abstract feelings than anything else but those feelings forever changed me. That was the day I learned to be afraid and to hate myself. That was the day that I turned inward and began the process of swallowing 10,000 tears. That was the day my trial began.
I was 17. I lived in a very small town. I didn’t know any gay people. I didn’t know anything about gay people. Gay people were something that lived elsewhere. They were bad and dirty and diseased and liked to have sex with children and animals. This was my impression of what it meant to be gay. So, when I started having feelings that seemed to indicate an attraction for men I had to assume they meant something else. I wasn’t any of those horrible things so I couldn’t be gay. I was simply envious. I was skinny and hairless and awkward. I was into muscley guys with big hairy chests because I was jealous… yeah… that’s it. I didn’t date girls simply because I didn’t have to. My class only had 32 people in it. Roughly half were guys, of the remaining 16ish one was my cousin, several were taken and the rest just didn’t seem desirable. That was all… I was skinny and awkward and I just hadn’t met the “right” girl yet. That seems like a pretty thin alibi but it worked for me for far too long, since the alternative wasn’t something I was able to face.
I vaguely remember all the media attention. I remember hearing stories in the news about how a gay college student from Wyoming was brutally beaten and left for dead. I remember this was the first time I heard the word “gay” used in the news. I also remember hearing someone say that he had it coming. Again, I don’t remember who said the words but they stuck with me. They shattered something in me; something I didn’t even realize was broken until years later.
Looking back, on that week ten years ago, I was probably on the verge of a revelation. I was probably starting to sort through my own feelings and I was probably about to actually figure out that I thought men were attractive because I am actually gay. Being bad at sports had nothing to do with it. I was probably just starting to realize that I was in a closet and instead of opening the door and coming out and making peace with myself I went so far in that I didn’t realize where I was. I just knew it was dark and crowded and I had to be careful to not think about it too much.
After high school graduation I went on to college where I met my first girl friend. It had been prophesied by a friend years before that I would loose my virginity the first week after I started college and then I would just be a wild sex-having party animal. Well, that never happened in spite of the fact that I had girlfriend. Something still felt… just wrong. I kept using the old excuse that I was jealous of other guys. I had to let go of the idea that I hadn’t met the “right” girl but I replaced it with the idea that I was simply too busy to be able to date. I never addressed the fact that I was not attracted to women at all. I guess I just didn’t realize what it meant to be attracted to anyone in a physical way. That thin alibi worked for a while longer.
Eventually, I left the little community college that I had called home for three years to finish my degree at an out of state university. I remember ruling out the University of Wyoming in my senior year of high school and then again when I left my junior college. I didn’t want to be in Laramie. It wasn’t safe for me. I didn’t know why though.
When I left Wyoming I began a period of isolation in my life. I didn’t know anyone and I had no interest in making any friends. I had figured out who and what I was and I began a phase of my life where I prayed to God to make me “normal” and to take “this” away from me. I still never used the word gay. I hated myself and I cried most every night. I hoped my tears would somehow baptize me. I hoped they would wash me clean. I hoped if I just felt bad enough and repented enough and cried enough then God would change me. He didn’t. I remember the first time I ever spoke the words “I’m gay” out loud. It was late at night. I was in my little twin size dorm bed. I had finally cried all the tears I had available and this feeling of warmth and revelation swept over me. If I had spent the better part of a year doing nothing but asking to be changed and I was still exactly the same person, then there was no way God was going to change me. I was made this way, and it was selfish of me to ask to be anything else. “I’m gay.” Wow… that feels good.
Graduation was coming up and I had to decide where I was going and what I was doing. School was all I had known so I decided to continue on and get my master’s degree. The University of Wyoming offered me the most money and so I accepted. I remember telling my boss I was moving to Laramie. I hadn’t told her or anyone else in the entire world that I was gay but she somehow knew. All she said was “be careful.”
My trial was nearly over. The tears I had been repressing had been building up for years to the point I actually thought I was going to drown. Every morning that I woke up hating myself was like waking up under water, gasping for air and hoping that the water would either wash me clean or sweep me away. Every time I came out to someone, every time I came closer to loving myself, every time I let myself shine through the façade I had built to hide behind, it felt like I was coming closer and closer to breaking the surface of the lake I had put myself under.
I graduated in December, I spend Christmas with my family, and then moved to Laramie in January. From there my life sped up. I came out for the first time to one of my friends in April, another two or three in June, and then went to my first Pride festival that summer. In August I went to my first Spectrum meeting, where I met my first boyfriend. It was sometime after I came to Laramie and came out that I changed completely. Nothing outwardly changed; actually, nothing changed inwardly either. I simply took down most of my walls and I became myself and I liked being that person.
Today, ten years later, I can say that I’m on the shore of that lake and the lake is now more of a puddle. I would have never guess that Laramie would return ME to myself but I guess it’s poetic justice. I let Matt’s death take something from me ten years ago and now I’m letting the town Matt lived in return it to me.
I often seem dramatic and I seem to always be having some sort of dating issue. I also tend to do too much for people and be overly accommodating to my friends. I give too much and I seem to have all the inner turmoil of a thirteen year old girl just before her first big dance. Well, that’s because in many ways I am that teenager. I didn’t start dating until four years ago. Most people dealt with all of this years ago. Heck, I didn’t even meet myself for the first time until relatively recently. In the last five years I’ve gone from hating myself for being who I am to giving interviews to Newsweek about what it’s like to live in Laramie as a gay man. I’ve come a long way in a short amount of time. I’ll stabilize sometime but right now I have a lot of life to make up. You don’t recover from roughly 8000 days of hating yourself over night.
This week, I remember Matthew Shepard. I never met him but his life and death have had an exceptionally profound impact on my life. I have no idea what sort of person he was like. I’ll never know what happened to him ten years ago, but it doesn’t matter. He was killed, he was killed at least in part because he was gay, and nothing about that is ok. It is my goal to help others to find themselves, to teach young people to not hate themselves simply because they are gay, and if I’m able to keep just one person from having to go through the trial I’ve been through for the last ten years, then my life has been worthwhile.
I remember ten years ago on this very morning hearing the news that some “fag” in Laramie was beaten. I don’t remember if I heard the news at home before school or if I heard it at school. I don’t remember who told me. I don’t really even remember who used the word fag. I honestly don’t even remember if I heard Matt described as a fag. I imagine I did though. My memories of that time are vague, more abstract feelings than anything else but those feelings forever changed me. That was the day I learned to be afraid and to hate myself. That was the day that I turned inward and began the process of swallowing 10,000 tears. That was the day my trial began.
I was 17. I lived in a very small town. I didn’t know any gay people. I didn’t know anything about gay people. Gay people were something that lived elsewhere. They were bad and dirty and diseased and liked to have sex with children and animals. This was my impression of what it meant to be gay. So, when I started having feelings that seemed to indicate an attraction for men I had to assume they meant something else. I wasn’t any of those horrible things so I couldn’t be gay. I was simply envious. I was skinny and hairless and awkward. I was into muscley guys with big hairy chests because I was jealous… yeah… that’s it. I didn’t date girls simply because I didn’t have to. My class only had 32 people in it. Roughly half were guys, of the remaining 16ish one was my cousin, several were taken and the rest just didn’t seem desirable. That was all… I was skinny and awkward and I just hadn’t met the “right” girl yet. That seems like a pretty thin alibi but it worked for me for far too long, since the alternative wasn’t something I was able to face.
I vaguely remember all the media attention. I remember hearing stories in the news about how a gay college student from Wyoming was brutally beaten and left for dead. I remember this was the first time I heard the word “gay” used in the news. I also remember hearing someone say that he had it coming. Again, I don’t remember who said the words but they stuck with me. They shattered something in me; something I didn’t even realize was broken until years later.
Looking back, on that week ten years ago, I was probably on the verge of a revelation. I was probably starting to sort through my own feelings and I was probably about to actually figure out that I thought men were attractive because I am actually gay. Being bad at sports had nothing to do with it. I was probably just starting to realize that I was in a closet and instead of opening the door and coming out and making peace with myself I went so far in that I didn’t realize where I was. I just knew it was dark and crowded and I had to be careful to not think about it too much.
After high school graduation I went on to college where I met my first girl friend. It had been prophesied by a friend years before that I would loose my virginity the first week after I started college and then I would just be a wild sex-having party animal. Well, that never happened in spite of the fact that I had girlfriend. Something still felt… just wrong. I kept using the old excuse that I was jealous of other guys. I had to let go of the idea that I hadn’t met the “right” girl but I replaced it with the idea that I was simply too busy to be able to date. I never addressed the fact that I was not attracted to women at all. I guess I just didn’t realize what it meant to be attracted to anyone in a physical way. That thin alibi worked for a while longer.
Eventually, I left the little community college that I had called home for three years to finish my degree at an out of state university. I remember ruling out the University of Wyoming in my senior year of high school and then again when I left my junior college. I didn’t want to be in Laramie. It wasn’t safe for me. I didn’t know why though.
When I left Wyoming I began a period of isolation in my life. I didn’t know anyone and I had no interest in making any friends. I had figured out who and what I was and I began a phase of my life where I prayed to God to make me “normal” and to take “this” away from me. I still never used the word gay. I hated myself and I cried most every night. I hoped my tears would somehow baptize me. I hoped they would wash me clean. I hoped if I just felt bad enough and repented enough and cried enough then God would change me. He didn’t. I remember the first time I ever spoke the words “I’m gay” out loud. It was late at night. I was in my little twin size dorm bed. I had finally cried all the tears I had available and this feeling of warmth and revelation swept over me. If I had spent the better part of a year doing nothing but asking to be changed and I was still exactly the same person, then there was no way God was going to change me. I was made this way, and it was selfish of me to ask to be anything else. “I’m gay.” Wow… that feels good.
Graduation was coming up and I had to decide where I was going and what I was doing. School was all I had known so I decided to continue on and get my master’s degree. The University of Wyoming offered me the most money and so I accepted. I remember telling my boss I was moving to Laramie. I hadn’t told her or anyone else in the entire world that I was gay but she somehow knew. All she said was “be careful.”
My trial was nearly over. The tears I had been repressing had been building up for years to the point I actually thought I was going to drown. Every morning that I woke up hating myself was like waking up under water, gasping for air and hoping that the water would either wash me clean or sweep me away. Every time I came out to someone, every time I came closer to loving myself, every time I let myself shine through the façade I had built to hide behind, it felt like I was coming closer and closer to breaking the surface of the lake I had put myself under.
I graduated in December, I spend Christmas with my family, and then moved to Laramie in January. From there my life sped up. I came out for the first time to one of my friends in April, another two or three in June, and then went to my first Pride festival that summer. In August I went to my first Spectrum meeting, where I met my first boyfriend. It was sometime after I came to Laramie and came out that I changed completely. Nothing outwardly changed; actually, nothing changed inwardly either. I simply took down most of my walls and I became myself and I liked being that person.
Today, ten years later, I can say that I’m on the shore of that lake and the lake is now more of a puddle. I would have never guess that Laramie would return ME to myself but I guess it’s poetic justice. I let Matt’s death take something from me ten years ago and now I’m letting the town Matt lived in return it to me.
I often seem dramatic and I seem to always be having some sort of dating issue. I also tend to do too much for people and be overly accommodating to my friends. I give too much and I seem to have all the inner turmoil of a thirteen year old girl just before her first big dance. Well, that’s because in many ways I am that teenager. I didn’t start dating until four years ago. Most people dealt with all of this years ago. Heck, I didn’t even meet myself for the first time until relatively recently. In the last five years I’ve gone from hating myself for being who I am to giving interviews to Newsweek about what it’s like to live in Laramie as a gay man. I’ve come a long way in a short amount of time. I’ll stabilize sometime but right now I have a lot of life to make up. You don’t recover from roughly 8000 days of hating yourself over night.
This week, I remember Matthew Shepard. I never met him but his life and death have had an exceptionally profound impact on my life. I have no idea what sort of person he was like. I’ll never know what happened to him ten years ago, but it doesn’t matter. He was killed, he was killed at least in part because he was gay, and nothing about that is ok. It is my goal to help others to find themselves, to teach young people to not hate themselves simply because they are gay, and if I’m able to keep just one person from having to go through the trial I’ve been through for the last ten years, then my life has been worthwhile.
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