I am Imaginary

I don’t exist. Or at least sometimes I worry that I will stop existing for certain people. I don’t mean that in a “death or dying” sort of way or even in some sort of weird existentialist sort of way. Or maybe I do… but that would require reading up on existentialism and I don’t want to do that. It’s just that sometimes I worry that my existence is dependent on others paying attention to my existence. Sort of in the same vein as “if a tree falls in the woods…” or how “fun” doesn’t really count as “fun” to my dog unless someone is watching.

I have some great friends that live in the same town as me that I see fairly often, but other than my roommate I don’t really “hang out” with anyone a regular basis. Sure there are occasional lunches and coffees and cocktails after work but there is nobody that I actually spend time with on purpose more than once every week or two or three. So many of my friends are “e-friends” that live in a different city, state, or even country. I spend an inordinate amount of time writing to people each week that I’ve not seen in weeks or months or even years. Some of these people are incredibly important to me and even if I don’t see them I can’t imagine what my life would be like if they weren’t a part of it at some point in some way. But then I wonder if I just stop writing to these people, how long would it be before they noticed? A month? What would happen if we just never spoke again? Friendship has no contractual obligation… so what keeps us together? I’m almost afraid of answering that question because often the answer might be; “nothing.” I keep these people with me as memories. They are sometimes badges of accomplishment, sometimes morose reminders of failed relationships, and sometimes reminders of who I once was.

I can think of at least 4 people that were at various times my “best friend” but I have seen in months. And knowing this it makes me wonder where I’ll be in a year, or 5 years, or 20 years and who will my friends be then. Will I finally give up on all the imaginary people in my life or will I still be diligently writing to them? Will they give up on me and let me shrink back into the corners of their memory? And if that does happen then what was the point? Or will they stop being “imaginary” friends and go back to being “real” friends that I hang out with regularly? Will they somehow get bumped up the list? Will fate draw us back together? And it’s this hope and possibility that makes staying in contact worth the effort.

For the record, if you are reading this, it probably doesn’t apply to you. Few people still bother to read this blog and those people I imagine will probably stay with me in some way forever. I guess the people I’m worrying about right now fall under the category of “almost lovers.” People that I had a short relationship with or would have liked to have had a relationship but something prevented it. People that I cared about very deeply for a very short amount of time and longed to make a part of my life but couldn’t do that in any way other than “pen pal.” These are the people that I still hang on to. Some of you might remember almost a year ago when I accidentally fell in love with an author. We spent so little time together but it felt like we had always known each other. We still keep in touch but he’s busy writing and teaching and has a boyfriend and lives in a different country. I write and I wait a few weeks and eventually hear from him. Each time I about convince myself that he’s ended our friendship by simply not writing and each time I almost come to terms with what that would mean to me and then an email shows up apologizing for not writing sooner. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to just let this go… to let him lapse… but I can’t and I won’t. There are others that I have on my messenger list that I chat with once every month or two. Guys I was hopeful about but again something prevented a real “in person” relationship. No matter the reason seeing them online or getting an email is simultaneously a happy but very nostalgic moment for me.

I know this post is out there. It rambles and doesn’t make much sense. I just needed to write. Congratulations if you made it this far.

To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.

Labor Day

It seems like I started writing a blog last week but lost interest and deleted it. I believe it was about the ongoing “Velveeta Saga.” So, I’ll shorthand the story and move on. My roommate is a food snob. (Well, a Euro-snob in general but specifically food - seriously he spends hundreds of dollars on food each month.) I bought Velveeta to make mac and cheese while he was gone one night. It’s how my mom made it, I know it’s mostly chemicals, I realize it actually has the word “food” in the title and that it’s not actually “cheese.” I just wanted it because it was familiar and comforting to me. Many discussions, much debate, a few hurt feelings later… fast forward… the Velveeta box is still in the fridge but is now in an actual red biohazard bag on it that I've ignored for almost 2 weeks. Damn snobby Czechs… I’m sure he ate something even worse as a kid… pig brain or something…

Otherwise, things are pretty good at home. I sometimes get cranky and need some “me” time but that’s normal. All complaints and differences aside, I like having a roommate, even if he is a Euro-snob. I think he had a date last night. He showered and left for hours and basically told me to “not wait up.” But he was deliberately mysterious about it as if he wanted me to ask where he was going. I didn’t. I was just happy to have some time to myself. My only regret is not eating some of my nasty “processed American cheese food product” while he was gone!

I had a nice Labor Day weekend. Friday night I was a grump and stayed home by myself to watch Doctor Who and eat Ben and Jerry’s in bed. Sometimes I just need a night to myself and that specific night I just couldn’t face the prospect of hanging out with my Euro-snob roommate and his even snobbier European friends. Spending an evening with people that immigrated to this country from other places to work and having them bitch about how much better their home countries are is extremely tiresome and makes me spout off very republican sounding things. So, I try to avoid that now. I appreciate their loyalty to their home countries but I get tired of explaining why things are done differently here and I get sick of having to defend things I don’t even fully understand myself. For example... roads that are solid instead of cobblestone. Sure, if we have to replace them, then they have to be ripped out and re-poured entirely and yes it's a huge pain in the ass... but cobblestone streets don't work in an environment where you have to remove snow for 9 months of the year or have heavy fast moving traffic. It's not a better or a worse system, it's simply different, shut up and quit bitching or move back to where you came from! :-P

Saturday night I went to the opening of a tapas and martini bar in the next town over. Some friends I hadn’t seen in a long time invited me and I was grateful to be out of town for a night! We had a martini at their house before going out. Well… most of us had one martini… someone had 2-3 and was drunk before getting to what might have been the classiest place in town. (That still isn’t saying a lot for this town though.) His boyfriend was tad embarrassed but I thought it was pretty funny and I had a great time. Best of all, it was totally free. Free tapas, free martini, free desert, all of it. We did leave a good tip since we were kind of a pain for our waiter. After, we went to an older gay couple’s house to chat and drink a beer or two. It was so nice to get out and spend time with new people! Sometimes it’s nice to step out of your own existence for a night and experience new things.

Sunday we painted my room. Well, we primered my room to be more accurate. First there was the taping of the trim, then the covering of the floor, then the primer. Two coats later, my room is white. The actual proper painting will take place next weekend. Still no idea what color. Not blue, not white, not green, not yellow. That doesn’t leave much… brown, orange, pink. The last suggestion was “watermelon.” Well, actually the last suggestion was squares… but I don’t see either of those happening. I’m thinking maybe a reddish/ pinkish sandstone color if I can find the exact shade I’m thinking of.

Then Monday (Labor Day) we got up early (for a day off) and went up to the mountains to do some hiking. I took the doggy along but had some very mixed feelings about it. I’ve never taken her hiking before since she’s dumb enough to run into the woods and get eaten, or push me off the side of a cliff because she smelled something interesting. I was glad to have my roommate with me since we took turns walking her. It was pretty much the coolest thing to ever happen to my dog. There were smells and things and… and… and! Unfortunately, in her excitement she totally wore herself out and then we had to practically drag her all the way back to the car. She slept the rest of the day. She was still pretty groggy this morning when I left for work.

And now… back to work. Only about an hour left to go then I’m slipping out early for a meeting on main campus. I feel fall creeping up and I noticed a few yellow-ish leaves yesterday. Boo… I would love fall if it didn’t mean winter was just around the corner.