Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words. Romans 8:26
Sighs too deep for words. I kind of feel like I’ve had a few of those this week. I’m sure I’m missing some important events since my last blog but I don’t feel like reading it and filling in gaps. Wednesday I found out that a job I had been waiting on to be offered was denied funding for this school year. It was pretty much the perfect job for me. I would have been working on main campus in the union in a corner office doing gender and sexuality programming and overseeing two resource centers. The job has been vacant since July and was reworked into something perfect for me. I’ve been busting my ass to do at least half of the vital duties in my own free time since someone needs to do it, plus it was a good way to get one foot in the door. I’ve been checking online almost daily to see if it was advertised and I had my cover letter, C.V. and references all ready to submit. Then on Wednesday I was standing in line at the union to buy a slice of pizza before rushing to a class to give a Safe Zone presentation when I saw the dean in charge of the position. She looked sad and apologized that she wasn’t able to get the position funded. She even had cosponsorship from a VP. There simply wasn’t any money. I know the job was never mine but I was so close. It was my little light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve recently decided that Laramie is great aside from two things. 1) I’m bored with my job. 2) I’m lonely and I wonder if I will ever meet a worthwhile guy here. I figured if I could just remedy one of those situations then that would be enough to forgive the 8 month long horrible winters and the fact that I have to leave the state to buy clothes. They will ask again for the next academic year and maybe by then we’ll have money again.
I seem to have met a guy. A guy that lives in this town, is my own age, grew up 30 miles from me in the same county, has a dog, knows practically all my friends, and I’ve actually known for years. He moved away for a few years and just recently came home. So, since he is available and interested I have instantly decided that I don’t like him. I do that. I rewrite reality to make guys that show interest into monsters. Frick… how did I get so damaged? We had coffee on Sunday. It went well so we had a beer. That went well so he asked me on a date. A real date, no games, no pussyfooting around, direct. “Would you like to go on a date with me?” It was so refreshing and to the point. I said yes and meant it. But then my demons came out to gnaw at me. “Oh, he smokes so you can’t date him even though he’s trying to quit.” “He smokes pot sometime so you can’t like him even though you really don’t give a shit if anyone smokes pot.” “He’s not a GQ model.” “His dog is too small, your dog might eat it.” And so on… until I had invented an entirely fictional troll. The date was supposed to be last night (Thursday) but he postponed on Wednesday since he was sick. Then yesterday afternoon he texted to say he was feeling much better and wanted to know if we were still on. I need at least 24 hours to acclimate to the idea of a date and so I freaked out. I told him I made other plans after he canceled. I didn’t mention that those plans were to go home, make a frozen pizza, and eat the entire thing while watching back to back episodes of Doctor Who… Then I felt bad and stupid so I compromised and we walked our dogs together. True to form, my dog was horrible but I kept her mostly under control. His dog was wearing and adorable argyle sweater and we walked through the park for almost an hour just chatting away. It was good. I’m a dumbass. Then I asked him to see a movie with me, which surprised me. In the moment I think I’m true to myself. It’s later that I go insane. Or maybe it’s later that I’m able to digest things and come to a better conclusion… frick… more second guessing. I should be institutionalized.
Um, so what else is going on… I’m getting ready to have a Halloween party. Actually, I need to send out e-vites today. I’m dressing as Doctor Who. I’m a dork but I’m excited about it! I have my suit, I have my sonic screwdriver and psychic paper, my hair is growing out, my glasses are in the mail, I just need the brown trench coat. I’ll hit the second hand stores again this weekend.
This week I gave 2 Safe Zone sessions, one for a class of 32 future teachers, and one for 16 people that just wanted to go through the program. It was really heartening to put 48 people through the program. They were all involved and interested too. The teachers make me really happy. 32 future teachers that will know how to create safe classes for all their students… that’s cool. Doing work like that is really rewarding since I can go home at the end of the day and feel like I really made a difference in the world. It makes me happy but then it made me sad again since I was so close to that being my “real” job instead of just something that I spend a ton of time doing on my own.
Work has been frustrating. I don’t’ want to say more than that.
Things at home are mostly good. I love living there. This weekend was a tad awkward since my roommate asked me if I could go somewhere else for a few hours so he could have sex. The awkward part was that I knew who he was having sex with and that I was also expected to come home when they were done and have dinner with them. Gross. Weird. Awkward. It turned out to be ok though since I came home hyped up on caffeine, slightly drunk, and in a bit of a glow from having an unexpected first date.
This weekend – painting the living room, risotto, Where the Wild Things Are, another date, purple sticky rice, beers with friends/ coworkers, and Halloween planning – in no particular order.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Liminality
Between two places. Threshold.
It’s been a long time since my last post. I’ve been really busy and I guess I just haven’t felt the urge to blog. I find that my blogging usually corresponds to times in my life where I need an outlet to vent since something is not right or I’m not happy for some reason. So, I guess not blogging is a sign that things are going well for me. That’s good news I guess.
I came to an interesting realization recently. I always sign my name with a ~ before it on emails. In addition to being a tilde it’s also a sign of approximation. So, what I’m really saying is that I’m only approximately myself so I’m always in a state of becoming. I suppose this is probably accurate. I’ve always felt like I’m sort of between places and “becoming.” Becoming what… who knows… more myself? I suppose that’s probably true.
I’ve been a busy little bee lately. I went home to see my family the weekend before last. It was nice to see them and I’m happy to say it was less awkward than it’s been for the last few visits. Nobody outed me to an extended relative, nobody got all creepy conservative on me, there was no discussion of uncomfortable political differences, it was just nice. The weirdest part of the entire weekend was when my dad and brother were gone and it was just me and my mom hanging out at home. I have no idea how to use their TV/satellite. I don’t even have cable anymore and they have pretty much every channel in the universe and just one universal remote to run their huge flat screen, DVD player, satellite, and whatever else it is that my brother has installed. So, when my dad left he plunked the intimidating remote next to me on the couch and I found myself watching a rerun of a show on Food Network that I don’t even like. My mom came in and asked what I was watching and I mumbled something vaguely comprehensible that she interpreted as “please change the channel since I’m scared of this remote.” She found HGTV since apparently that’s what she watches when dad leaves and Color Splash was on. She apparently just adores the host of this show and went on and on about how cute he is and how much she likes him and then she got all conspiratorial and asked if I thought he was gay. I had my laptop next to me so I just googled his name. I didn’t really need to google him to know he was gay, he was practically vomiting rainbows. So, I told my mom that yes he was gay and then she wanted to know how old he was and where he lived and implied that it would be ok if I brought him home some day. Weird as it was, it was very sweet of her. My parents are great.
October is gay awareness month and I’ve certainly been aware of being gay. The GLBT student group has been keeping me very busy lately with events. Sunday night we wrote all over the sidewalks for the “first national you-are-loved sidewalk message project.” It was really cool and I actually ended up on the evening news because of it. Sometimes people just need a reminder that they are loved.
I went to church for the first time in years last Sunday. The Universal Church of Christ in town is having their “coming out” party as an open and affirming church and the pastor asked for people to come talk with their adult study group about our coming out stories. They were so supportive and accepting and wonderful. It was amazing to be asked into a church exactly as I am. His sermon was really good too. He started with the story of Jonah and the Whale, talked about how he doesn’t believe this is a literal story but how it is most certainly “truth.” Just to hear a pastor say that he doesn’t believe in the literal translation of the Bible meant a lot and that he recognized the fact that it’s a parable – a teaching story. Then he talked about liminality, one of my favorite subjects. I love the idea of in-between places since I often feel like I’m in a state of flux from one form to another. His sermon was about the in-between times in your life and about how sometimes it takes a big event to shake everything loose so that you can “rearrange your internal furniture.” He even talked about how the church was in an in-between place now of moving to be an open and affirming church that welcomes same gender loving and transgendered congregants. This morning I saw that I missed a phone call from him, asking if he could borrow a rainbow flag or some sort of rainbow flair to decorate the church with next Sunday. It’s going to take a while to wrap my mind around all this. He even offered to do commitment ceremonies for GLBT people. That’s big.
My life has been in a sort of constant state of change for as long as I can remember and I feel like I have even bigger changes in my future. Eventually a new job, eventually I’ll buy a house, eventually I know I’ll meet someone and hopefully have a commitment ceremony. These things could all be years and years away but they are on the horizon and that’s comforting. Change is a good thing. Liminality is a good thing. Pleasant surprises are great. I guess I’m happy and that’s great too. It’s probably weird that I have to use the words “I guess” in terms of my own happiness but it’s hard to see yourself since you are standing at ground zero.
It’s been a long time since my last post. I’ve been really busy and I guess I just haven’t felt the urge to blog. I find that my blogging usually corresponds to times in my life where I need an outlet to vent since something is not right or I’m not happy for some reason. So, I guess not blogging is a sign that things are going well for me. That’s good news I guess.
I came to an interesting realization recently. I always sign my name with a ~ before it on emails. In addition to being a tilde it’s also a sign of approximation. So, what I’m really saying is that I’m only approximately myself so I’m always in a state of becoming. I suppose this is probably accurate. I’ve always felt like I’m sort of between places and “becoming.” Becoming what… who knows… more myself? I suppose that’s probably true.
I’ve been a busy little bee lately. I went home to see my family the weekend before last. It was nice to see them and I’m happy to say it was less awkward than it’s been for the last few visits. Nobody outed me to an extended relative, nobody got all creepy conservative on me, there was no discussion of uncomfortable political differences, it was just nice. The weirdest part of the entire weekend was when my dad and brother were gone and it was just me and my mom hanging out at home. I have no idea how to use their TV/satellite. I don’t even have cable anymore and they have pretty much every channel in the universe and just one universal remote to run their huge flat screen, DVD player, satellite, and whatever else it is that my brother has installed. So, when my dad left he plunked the intimidating remote next to me on the couch and I found myself watching a rerun of a show on Food Network that I don’t even like. My mom came in and asked what I was watching and I mumbled something vaguely comprehensible that she interpreted as “please change the channel since I’m scared of this remote.” She found HGTV since apparently that’s what she watches when dad leaves and Color Splash was on. She apparently just adores the host of this show and went on and on about how cute he is and how much she likes him and then she got all conspiratorial and asked if I thought he was gay. I had my laptop next to me so I just googled his name. I didn’t really need to google him to know he was gay, he was practically vomiting rainbows. So, I told my mom that yes he was gay and then she wanted to know how old he was and where he lived and implied that it would be ok if I brought him home some day. Weird as it was, it was very sweet of her. My parents are great.
October is gay awareness month and I’ve certainly been aware of being gay. The GLBT student group has been keeping me very busy lately with events. Sunday night we wrote all over the sidewalks for the “first national you-are-loved sidewalk message project.” It was really cool and I actually ended up on the evening news because of it. Sometimes people just need a reminder that they are loved.
I went to church for the first time in years last Sunday. The Universal Church of Christ in town is having their “coming out” party as an open and affirming church and the pastor asked for people to come talk with their adult study group about our coming out stories. They were so supportive and accepting and wonderful. It was amazing to be asked into a church exactly as I am. His sermon was really good too. He started with the story of Jonah and the Whale, talked about how he doesn’t believe this is a literal story but how it is most certainly “truth.” Just to hear a pastor say that he doesn’t believe in the literal translation of the Bible meant a lot and that he recognized the fact that it’s a parable – a teaching story. Then he talked about liminality, one of my favorite subjects. I love the idea of in-between places since I often feel like I’m in a state of flux from one form to another. His sermon was about the in-between times in your life and about how sometimes it takes a big event to shake everything loose so that you can “rearrange your internal furniture.” He even talked about how the church was in an in-between place now of moving to be an open and affirming church that welcomes same gender loving and transgendered congregants. This morning I saw that I missed a phone call from him, asking if he could borrow a rainbow flag or some sort of rainbow flair to decorate the church with next Sunday. It’s going to take a while to wrap my mind around all this. He even offered to do commitment ceremonies for GLBT people. That’s big.
My life has been in a sort of constant state of change for as long as I can remember and I feel like I have even bigger changes in my future. Eventually a new job, eventually I’ll buy a house, eventually I know I’ll meet someone and hopefully have a commitment ceremony. These things could all be years and years away but they are on the horizon and that’s comforting. Change is a good thing. Liminality is a good thing. Pleasant surprises are great. I guess I’m happy and that’s great too. It’s probably weird that I have to use the words “I guess” in terms of my own happiness but it’s hard to see yourself since you are standing at ground zero.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)