My weekend was pretty relaxing but punctuated with awkward moments. Friday I went out with some new people that I work with. We had a couple drinks and some food and chatted. It was mildly awkward, but I think it was just me. I have found I'm far more awkward in social situations recently than I ever was in the past. I managed to awkwardly out myself to them but it was in such a subtle way that I have no idea if they both got it or not. Either way, it was awkward. Oh and to make matters even more awkward... My most recent local crush that hosted the drag party last week was there with his new boyfriend, who as it turns out teaches 4th grade and is incredibly nice. So there I was in the middle of two tables. At one table are two young women I work with but barely met that I just awkwardly came out to. At the other table is my most recent ex with his new boyfriend and all his friends. I should have just started drinking heavily but I took the "high road" and just powered though and then went home.
Saturday my roommate had a Christmas party. Almost all of my friends were already gone for the holidays so it was primarily his friends, which I'm actually starting to count as my own friends now. Only half the people he expected ended up showing so it was... you guessed it... awkward. We had tiny fancy pizza, a somewhat forced and lame white elephant gift exchange (where I decided to give my Lego Yoda alarm clock away from the previous post) and then people left by about 9:00. It actually wasn't so bad and I got an INXS greatest hits cd out of it, so that's not so bad.
My roommate left early Sunday morning and his cute little dog went to stay with some mutual friends until I get back from my parents house. They had some concerns about my parents dog eating her or something... I think she would have been just fine but it's a little less stressful to have to worry about both dogs for a couple weeks. My poor doggy was all sad last night. We had a fun morning together where she was all happy and friendly and cuddly but then sometime around noon she realized she was lonely and unhappy and started looking for my roommate and his dog to come home. It's going to be a long winter break if she spends all of it at her post by the front door waiting for their return.
In other news... I have no idea what to think of my Utah boy still. I hate that he lives so far away and since we only talk at night as he's driving home from work and all I want to do is go to bed I'm starting to forget why I even like him. He just talks about how much he hates his job and the (fat) people he works with and he gets all road rage-y and he changes the conversation topic pretty randomly and often so it's really hard to actually say anything half way interesting or meaningful. It's really starting to bug me that he NEVER asks about how my day was or what I've been doing. To start with I saw it as sort of an opportunity to learn how to converse a little better with people that don't ask questions but now I'm starting to get insulted since he just seems to genuinely not care. Which is odd... since he talks about how much he loves me and how the things I say are "cute" and he's clearly crazy about me but I am starting to wonder why he even thinks that since 80% of my conversation is "uh huh," "that sucks," "too bad," "yeah" and that sort of thing in response to his complaints about various things. And I know it's mostly just because nobody is at their best at 10:45 at night when they just get off work and are driving home but all those less than pleasant conversations are starting to erase any memory of why I even liked him to begin with. And last night I snapped a little. After the third time of being interrupted or shot down when I was attempting to steer the conversation away from how much he hates something I said something and hurt his feelings. But then we continued to chat for over 30 minutes until he got home and then instead of saying goodnight since it was almost 11:30 he asked if he could call me back later. I said I was going to bed and we could talk the next day and he ignored it. Midnight rolls around and he called. I swore under my breath and answered since I knew he would just try again in 10 minutes if I didn't and I wanted to get to sleep. He knows that I go to work at 8 in the morning EVERY day but somehow that doesn't translate into the fact that I have to be up by 7 and that means I would like to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. And it would be one thing if he had something relevant to say... but he had nothing to say... and just blathered on for five minutes while I was not even pretending to care and then he was genuinely upset when I told him it was midnight and I needed to get some sleep. But on the other hand all he wanted was to "hear my voice" because he "likes talking with me." That's sweet... but also super inconvenient since it's always on his terms. I think he's WAY more into me than I am to him and I don't even know why since he doesn't know that much about me and doesn't seem that interested in learning. How in the hell is this supposed to work out?
To let loose.
To let free.
To breath in.
To breath out.
Peace out.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Meltdown
Today was a weird day. I feel better overall. Less stressed, my head is better, and I generally feel less horrible and S.A.D.-y. But today was still very weird and I was weird too.
The day started like a normal Tuesday. I got to work a couple minutes late, had some coffee, went to a meeting... no biggy. Except at the meeting it was announced that someone we work with was leaving. Not exactly breaking news since we all had known that for weeks. But then it was announced that someone that works with me would be picking up the slack by moving to another department. Let's call the person leaving "Smooze" and the person having to pick up the slack for him "Buzz." What makes this situation really awkward was that Smooze was going out of his way to get Buzz fired and now Smooze is leaving and Buzz gets to do two jobs to make up for it. Buzz was understandably upset about this situation, but to make matters worse... he found out the same time as the rest of us. He was never asked he was simply told. Never mind his contract... he now has a new job description for the next six months. He was visibly upset to the point of not even being able to clearly express his anger at the situation.
The managers where I work don't deal with change well. When even the most minor thing goes wrong they have one response - call a special meeting, invite none of the people most affected, come up with the least inspired solution possible, and then just wait for the people it affects to find out in ways that don't include actually telling them in person. If "Buzz" wasn't looking for a new job before, he probably is now and I wouldn't blame him. Actually, there are about 4 of us actively looking for new jobs.
Since one small thing changed at work, everyone was on edge. People that are normally very easy going started freaking out like the sky was falling. I was told to complete a tiny project by two different people before I had even finished my morning coffee. Granted, it needed to be done and was like 30 minutes worth of work but the way I was told to complete it indicated that if I didn't finish the missing text block for my exhibit then the entire universe would come to an abrupt and unpleasant end. This was the first of three such projects today. Each one was maybe 30 minutes worth of simple work but also THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER!!!!! So, that was weird and vaguely inconvenient.
My entire workplace seemed on the verge of a meltdown all day. My own meltdown didn't come along until around 7:43 this evening.
I was invited to a birthday party tonight. The birthday party of my most recent local crush from the days before my sweet Utah boy. We had a drink last week and that went well and we seemed to be figuring out this "being friends" thing, not that we were really ever anything other than friends. Oh, one other thing... it was a drag party. Sounds like fun but it was a Tuesday night and I have to work so I decided to go but to not go in drag. Asking all of your party guests to attend wearing special clothing, wigs, shoes, and makeup that will only be used once seems a little unreasonable so I figured I wouldn't be the only person to not show up in drag. I was. I have never in my life wished that I was stuffed into an ugly dress until tonight. It felt like I was a freshman in high school all over again. I doubt this still happens in many high schools, but when I went to school the seniors got to dress up the freshman during homecoming week and haze them. When I was a freshman, I was the only boy that wasn't dressed up. All my classmates were in awkward dresses and outfits except me, which was actually the only way to make the experience even more humiliating. And last night I got to relive that humiliation one more time. Additionally, I hadn't seen any of his friends in a couple of months and they were all in drag so I didn't recognize most people which added an additional level of awkward. AND to make matters worse he had a date that was basically my doppelganger only he was wearing a fabulous red dress. That was fine, I didn't care that he had moved on since I moved on myself but it does sting a bit to be preemptively dumped so that he could just be alone and not be in a relationship and then two months later he is dating some dude that looks a lot like me. After about twenty minutes I realized I was standing alone in a corner pretending to text and playing with the dog. That is the height of socially awkward. So, I made a very transparent excuse and got the hell out of there.
I felt awkward going home so soon so I went to Walmart and purchased a Lego Yoda alarm clock. Don't ask me why... I just needed it. Somehow buying something completely unnecessary made me feel better. I think I'll put it in my new office unless I give it away as a white elephant gift. Who am I kidding? I'm keeping it.
The day started like a normal Tuesday. I got to work a couple minutes late, had some coffee, went to a meeting... no biggy. Except at the meeting it was announced that someone we work with was leaving. Not exactly breaking news since we all had known that for weeks. But then it was announced that someone that works with me would be picking up the slack by moving to another department. Let's call the person leaving "Smooze" and the person having to pick up the slack for him "Buzz." What makes this situation really awkward was that Smooze was going out of his way to get Buzz fired and now Smooze is leaving and Buzz gets to do two jobs to make up for it. Buzz was understandably upset about this situation, but to make matters worse... he found out the same time as the rest of us. He was never asked he was simply told. Never mind his contract... he now has a new job description for the next six months. He was visibly upset to the point of not even being able to clearly express his anger at the situation.
The managers where I work don't deal with change well. When even the most minor thing goes wrong they have one response - call a special meeting, invite none of the people most affected, come up with the least inspired solution possible, and then just wait for the people it affects to find out in ways that don't include actually telling them in person. If "Buzz" wasn't looking for a new job before, he probably is now and I wouldn't blame him. Actually, there are about 4 of us actively looking for new jobs.
Since one small thing changed at work, everyone was on edge. People that are normally very easy going started freaking out like the sky was falling. I was told to complete a tiny project by two different people before I had even finished my morning coffee. Granted, it needed to be done and was like 30 minutes worth of work but the way I was told to complete it indicated that if I didn't finish the missing text block for my exhibit then the entire universe would come to an abrupt and unpleasant end. This was the first of three such projects today. Each one was maybe 30 minutes worth of simple work but also THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER!!!!! So, that was weird and vaguely inconvenient.
My entire workplace seemed on the verge of a meltdown all day. My own meltdown didn't come along until around 7:43 this evening.
I was invited to a birthday party tonight. The birthday party of my most recent local crush from the days before my sweet Utah boy. We had a drink last week and that went well and we seemed to be figuring out this "being friends" thing, not that we were really ever anything other than friends. Oh, one other thing... it was a drag party. Sounds like fun but it was a Tuesday night and I have to work so I decided to go but to not go in drag. Asking all of your party guests to attend wearing special clothing, wigs, shoes, and makeup that will only be used once seems a little unreasonable so I figured I wouldn't be the only person to not show up in drag. I was. I have never in my life wished that I was stuffed into an ugly dress until tonight. It felt like I was a freshman in high school all over again. I doubt this still happens in many high schools, but when I went to school the seniors got to dress up the freshman during homecoming week and haze them. When I was a freshman, I was the only boy that wasn't dressed up. All my classmates were in awkward dresses and outfits except me, which was actually the only way to make the experience even more humiliating. And last night I got to relive that humiliation one more time. Additionally, I hadn't seen any of his friends in a couple of months and they were all in drag so I didn't recognize most people which added an additional level of awkward. AND to make matters worse he had a date that was basically my doppelganger only he was wearing a fabulous red dress. That was fine, I didn't care that he had moved on since I moved on myself but it does sting a bit to be preemptively dumped so that he could just be alone and not be in a relationship and then two months later he is dating some dude that looks a lot like me. After about twenty minutes I realized I was standing alone in a corner pretending to text and playing with the dog. That is the height of socially awkward. So, I made a very transparent excuse and got the hell out of there.
I felt awkward going home so soon so I went to Walmart and purchased a Lego Yoda alarm clock. Don't ask me why... I just needed it. Somehow buying something completely unnecessary made me feel better. I think I'll put it in my new office unless I give it away as a white elephant gift. Who am I kidding? I'm keeping it.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Blerg
(I've been watching waaaaayyy too much 30 Rock lately.)
I've not felt right for a week or two. I think my seasonal affective disorder is starting to get to me. But I'm all moved into my new "office" at work so maybe that will help. It's just the cubicle next to the one I've always had but at least it has an awkwardly placed narrow window slit to let some natural light into my space. So, I guess that's an improvement. Work has been about the same as always. I'm working on some vaguely interesting projects and kind of just putting in my time. Someone resigned last week and will be gone in January. Who knows if we get his position back to be able to hire someone new. My supervisor was quizzing me about what my "ideal" job would be and if I was interested in becoming faculty. I think a couple of people will be attempting to get me promoted and a new job created for me in the coming year. That is really sweet and flattering but at the same time I'm not entirely sure I want to stick around long enough for that to be worth their effort. Course... I assume they are going to the effort to get me to stay. It's hard to explain to them that if I do leave, it's not because of my job. I actually like my job. I just don't make nearly enough, I hate how isolated I feel most of the time, and honestly... I hate going home to an eccentric Eastern European roommate rather than a boyfriend or a spouse and I don't see myself meeting "Mr. Right" while I'm living here. (More on "the perfect job" and dating later.)
I've had a headache for almost a week. It started last Tuesday afternoon and it's just about gone now. I think it started as a stress headache and then persisted because I was dehydrated and didn't realize it. Someone suggested that I might be dehydrated yesterday so I drank water like a fish the rest of the day and actually felt better last night. But the original cause was most certainly stress. I hadn't realized just how much I had been holding in since I'm usually a very open person but sometime in the last two or three weeks I just closed up and quit sharing. So... here is the brain dump:
My dad was at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN for a week to have a tumor removed from his kidney. It was large and cancerous but luckily it was slow growing and had not spread. He kept the kidney (you can live with one but he's diabetic so he needs both) and it hadn't spread so he doesn't need any chemo or radiation. Thank God for that. He also has a spot on his lung (so thankfully he had to quit smoking) and he had "something" removed from his eye. I have no idea what was removed, it seemed like a last minute thing and I never got the entire story other than the fact that my dad didn't get an eye patch and he wanted one. So, that was stressful enough and then I had to worry about my mom driving my dad home through 2 states, which wouldn't be an issue except she's on a ton of pain medication for her messed up back and nerve damage. She sometimes just falls asleep. So for two days I had to worry about them traveling home safely. Luckily they brought my grandma with them and she drove across half of South Dakota. She hates driving, by the way.
Other stress factors: School and graduating. I was taking one class and had a final paper due last Thursday. I waited until the last minute to start writing it of course. I started the research in early October but waited until the week it was due to actually start writing the paper so that was stressful. It was made even worse because I HAVE to get an A+++++++++ on it so that I get an A in the class and can graduate in May without having to take additional classes. No pressure or anything. My last class is still being taught in the spring semester as far as I know but if I have a B in either class I'll need an additional credit to be able to graduate. I also have to deal with all the other department graduation requirements next semester, the paperwork, the committees, the language requirement, the thesis, the defense, and who knows what other bullshit they will throw my way.
Other stress: I have a boyfriend in Salt Lake City. That sounds weird to me but it's true. He came here to visit me and I went there two weekends ago to visit him. I HATED the drive. It was around 6 hours and boring as hell. I was stressed the entire way there and the entire way back since I need new back tires and the weather wasn't exactly bad but it wasn't exactly good either. I'm still not sure what to think of him. I fell in love with him almost instantly, which is weird but true. I don't know why though. He is a great guy and super sweet but there were a few times when I was with him in SLC that I was not entirely sure I even liked him. He's kind of the class clown at times and always trying to get attention, which is irritating if you are the only one around and you grew up hating the class clown because you were often the source of his material. But we had a talk at one point and he admitted that he's been acting strangely since I intimidate him. I find it hard to believe that anyone could be intimidated by me, but he's not the first to say so. He's so clearly in love with me and terrified that I won't like him back that he's trying too hard. If he would just calm down and be himself things would be easier. I swore I would never be in another long distance relationship and this one is absurdly long distance. I'm not sure what to do or think. He's great but it's impossible to properly get to know someone that you only see once a month. But... at the same time I really like this guy. I don't know why, but I do. I just feel comfortable around him and he does make me laugh when he's not trying. And when he's just still and himself I find myself falling in love with him. This all scares me a lot.
In other news... I was making my usual online rounds of looking at what jobs are being offered and noticed that what could be called my "ideal job" is being offered at my old university in Arizona. It's basically all the best parts of my current job without all the parts I hate, with a huge raise. I'm about 95% qualified for it and if I just sold myself properly I would seem like the ideal candidate for the position. But... I'm not sure how I would feel about living in Flagstaff again. I was so unhappy there but that was due to my own personal issues of coming out. My final semester there was pretty good though. But even with that aside, I'm not sure Flagstaff is an improvement over my current situation. It's slighly larger, the weather is similar, the political climate is similar, but it's not exactly a large city and the gay population isn't all that large. I would be making a lot more money and working at a really cool job so maybe just a slight improvement is better than nothing. It doesn't solve the going home to an empty house problem though. And it is even further from SLC. Course... that can never work out unless one of us moves to be with the other and that can never really happen until I feel that might work and that can't work until I get to know him better and that can't happen until we can spend more time together... so that little cycle can't really end unless something changes and someone (me) takes a leap of faith.
See why I've felt insane for the last couple weeks?! Too much. But writing this all out actually made me feel better. I feel like maybe I was just letting a lot of small things pile up. Ok, most of those are pretty huge things but my parents are safely at home, my dad is recovering, my class is over, I might as well apply for the job at NAU and just see what happens, and as far as my guy in SLC... I don't know. I just need to take things a day at a time and see what happens.
To let loose.
To let free.
To breath in.
To breath out.
Peace out.
I've not felt right for a week or two. I think my seasonal affective disorder is starting to get to me. But I'm all moved into my new "office" at work so maybe that will help. It's just the cubicle next to the one I've always had but at least it has an awkwardly placed narrow window slit to let some natural light into my space. So, I guess that's an improvement. Work has been about the same as always. I'm working on some vaguely interesting projects and kind of just putting in my time. Someone resigned last week and will be gone in January. Who knows if we get his position back to be able to hire someone new. My supervisor was quizzing me about what my "ideal" job would be and if I was interested in becoming faculty. I think a couple of people will be attempting to get me promoted and a new job created for me in the coming year. That is really sweet and flattering but at the same time I'm not entirely sure I want to stick around long enough for that to be worth their effort. Course... I assume they are going to the effort to get me to stay. It's hard to explain to them that if I do leave, it's not because of my job. I actually like my job. I just don't make nearly enough, I hate how isolated I feel most of the time, and honestly... I hate going home to an eccentric Eastern European roommate rather than a boyfriend or a spouse and I don't see myself meeting "Mr. Right" while I'm living here. (More on "the perfect job" and dating later.)
I've had a headache for almost a week. It started last Tuesday afternoon and it's just about gone now. I think it started as a stress headache and then persisted because I was dehydrated and didn't realize it. Someone suggested that I might be dehydrated yesterday so I drank water like a fish the rest of the day and actually felt better last night. But the original cause was most certainly stress. I hadn't realized just how much I had been holding in since I'm usually a very open person but sometime in the last two or three weeks I just closed up and quit sharing. So... here is the brain dump:
My dad was at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN for a week to have a tumor removed from his kidney. It was large and cancerous but luckily it was slow growing and had not spread. He kept the kidney (you can live with one but he's diabetic so he needs both) and it hadn't spread so he doesn't need any chemo or radiation. Thank God for that. He also has a spot on his lung (so thankfully he had to quit smoking) and he had "something" removed from his eye. I have no idea what was removed, it seemed like a last minute thing and I never got the entire story other than the fact that my dad didn't get an eye patch and he wanted one. So, that was stressful enough and then I had to worry about my mom driving my dad home through 2 states, which wouldn't be an issue except she's on a ton of pain medication for her messed up back and nerve damage. She sometimes just falls asleep. So for two days I had to worry about them traveling home safely. Luckily they brought my grandma with them and she drove across half of South Dakota. She hates driving, by the way.
Other stress factors: School and graduating. I was taking one class and had a final paper due last Thursday. I waited until the last minute to start writing it of course. I started the research in early October but waited until the week it was due to actually start writing the paper so that was stressful. It was made even worse because I HAVE to get an A+++++++++ on it so that I get an A in the class and can graduate in May without having to take additional classes. No pressure or anything. My last class is still being taught in the spring semester as far as I know but if I have a B in either class I'll need an additional credit to be able to graduate. I also have to deal with all the other department graduation requirements next semester, the paperwork, the committees, the language requirement, the thesis, the defense, and who knows what other bullshit they will throw my way.
Other stress: I have a boyfriend in Salt Lake City. That sounds weird to me but it's true. He came here to visit me and I went there two weekends ago to visit him. I HATED the drive. It was around 6 hours and boring as hell. I was stressed the entire way there and the entire way back since I need new back tires and the weather wasn't exactly bad but it wasn't exactly good either. I'm still not sure what to think of him. I fell in love with him almost instantly, which is weird but true. I don't know why though. He is a great guy and super sweet but there were a few times when I was with him in SLC that I was not entirely sure I even liked him. He's kind of the class clown at times and always trying to get attention, which is irritating if you are the only one around and you grew up hating the class clown because you were often the source of his material. But we had a talk at one point and he admitted that he's been acting strangely since I intimidate him. I find it hard to believe that anyone could be intimidated by me, but he's not the first to say so. He's so clearly in love with me and terrified that I won't like him back that he's trying too hard. If he would just calm down and be himself things would be easier. I swore I would never be in another long distance relationship and this one is absurdly long distance. I'm not sure what to do or think. He's great but it's impossible to properly get to know someone that you only see once a month. But... at the same time I really like this guy. I don't know why, but I do. I just feel comfortable around him and he does make me laugh when he's not trying. And when he's just still and himself I find myself falling in love with him. This all scares me a lot.
In other news... I was making my usual online rounds of looking at what jobs are being offered and noticed that what could be called my "ideal job" is being offered at my old university in Arizona. It's basically all the best parts of my current job without all the parts I hate, with a huge raise. I'm about 95% qualified for it and if I just sold myself properly I would seem like the ideal candidate for the position. But... I'm not sure how I would feel about living in Flagstaff again. I was so unhappy there but that was due to my own personal issues of coming out. My final semester there was pretty good though. But even with that aside, I'm not sure Flagstaff is an improvement over my current situation. It's slighly larger, the weather is similar, the political climate is similar, but it's not exactly a large city and the gay population isn't all that large. I would be making a lot more money and working at a really cool job so maybe just a slight improvement is better than nothing. It doesn't solve the going home to an empty house problem though. And it is even further from SLC. Course... that can never work out unless one of us moves to be with the other and that can never really happen until I feel that might work and that can't work until I get to know him better and that can't happen until we can spend more time together... so that little cycle can't really end unless something changes and someone (me) takes a leap of faith.
See why I've felt insane for the last couple weeks?! Too much. But writing this all out actually made me feel better. I feel like maybe I was just letting a lot of small things pile up. Ok, most of those are pretty huge things but my parents are safely at home, my dad is recovering, my class is over, I might as well apply for the job at NAU and just see what happens, and as far as my guy in SLC... I don't know. I just need to take things a day at a time and see what happens.
To let loose.
To let free.
To breath in.
To breath out.
Peace out.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Been a While-ish
I guess I'm leaving in a couple hours to see my guy in Utah. I've gone back and forth and up and down about him since he visited me a couple weeks ago. I'm sure I'm over thinking everything since I do that. I suspect I'm going to have a wonderful time with him. We had a lot of fun while he was here and the issues I've been worrying about only pop up over the phone. I hate talking on the phone. I hate struggling to come up with conversation topics when he calls at 10:45 at night and I'm happy to hear his voice but I really just want to go to sleep. I hate that we both fill empty space on the phone with random shit that pops into our heads. I hate that he's leaving his job and driving home when we talk since that's pretty much when we are all at our worst. I hate that I don't understand his humor sometimes. And I am concerned that at least some of the time when he's "joking" about something he actually means it but gets to play it off as a joke while actually saying what he means. I wish I could come up with an example... I guess I should take that as an indication that I'm probably over thinking the situation. Anyway, I have some reservations about this drive/ trip and I'm trying to vent them before I leave so that I can get there with a fresh head. I don't want to sabotage myself so I know I have to arrive happy to see him and give the weekend a fair chance to play out properly. It's a beautiful day and I'm kind of looking forward to the drive. Once I'm there I think he has several fun things planned and I might run into a couple of old friends. Ultimately, I'm sure this will be a fun weekend and a nice diversion from my regular life for a while. Yeah... I think that's a good frame... no need to stress out about imaginary issues. I can do that when I get back home on Sunday. ;-)
To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.
To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.
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