When Two Worlds Collide

It’s been a while since my last blog. A lot has happened and at the same time nothing has actually happened. Status quo. Lame.

I came very near to a relationship and then the universe (and the guy) made other plans without me. It’s probably for the best but that doesn’t do much to numb the sting of rejection. To make a long story short… I’ve known this guy for years. He was a friend of a friend and then we started taking a yoga class together last May. We would see each other for an hour or two a week and chat before and after class and it was very nice. Eventually I thought to myself “hey, why don’t you ask this guy out?” And the answer in my head was less than enthusiastic. We seemed compatible in most ways but there wasn’t really any spark or attraction there. I assume he came to a similar conclusion as well. But I decided to get to know him better and see if a spark could develop. We went to a few places together – not really dates but not “not dates” either, sort of a gray area where we went places together but without any sort of requirement of romance. On the last “sort of date” two things happened. 1) I started to develop feelings for him and 2) he met someone else and as far as I know they are still dating. This wasn’t so bad… it just didn’t work. I didn’t really have to put myself out there to be rejected… life goes on. But then his roommate (a mutual friend) bought me a drink a day or two later and warned me that the guy in question was going to try to set me up with someone – someone I have met and have no interest in for a variety of reasons but mostly because he’s so far in the closet he can’t even see the door. This is where I got my feelers hurt because this was a clear indication of guilt on his part. This says to me “hey, I realize we were sort of seeing each other but it didn’t really work for me and I want to thank you for introducing me to my current boyfriend by fixing you up with this guy that is clearly all wrong for you.” So, now I get all the pain of rejection without ever having to put myself on the line. Neat. To make matters worse I lost my yoga buddy.

But I bounce back quickly these days. I had one preliminary “not date” with another guy already and plan on having an honest to goodness real date with him in a couple days. This new one is interesting. There is a bit of a spark that I’m having trouble figuring out. He doesn’t seem like my “type” but experience has taught me that my “type” consists of guys that don’t want me, live too far away to be realistic, or have some sort of major issue that prevents a healthy relationship. So, fuck my “type.” I’m going to have fun and meet people and most importantly… I’m going to attempt to not over think every stupid little thing.

Last week was Thanksgiving, the traditional time of year for coming out to your family, except I came out to mine years ago. It went well but we agreed that my parents should be the ones to tell my extended family if they so choose. This was a time gamble that they would tell them before I ended up bringing a “roommate” or “friend” home for the holidays at some point. My reasoning behind this was that my parents have to see my extended family on a regular basis and I see them maybe 4-6 times a year. So the last time I went home I found out that my dad told my grandpa and did an AMAZING job of it. This time I found out that my mom told my grandma, two aunts, and subsequently pretty much the entire extended family. All she said was that my grandma has known since I was a little boy. So, um… that was simple. No muss, no fuss, no drama, no problems. It should have been a relief and maybe it will be once I digest everything but for now I feel weird. I have no excuse to not bring a special someone home for the holidays since they are now expecting it. I have no secrets, no lies, nothing to hide behind… it’s just me and that’s not something I’m used to and it’s kind of terrifying. There were no conversations with extended family this trip. Actually, nobody really said much at all to me. It’s not that they were avoiding me… I think I was avoiding them. I felt oddly isolated and more of an outsider than I ever have before. I’m sure that will pass in time. There is always an adjustment period.

I did have one very unsettling conversation with my parents one night. My dad bought my mom a little pistol “for home protection” for the nights that my dad and brother are out. The phrase “for home protection” grates on my every nerve. My parents don’t live in some inner city neighborhood wrought with violence, they live in cattle country. Their nearest neighbor is a cop, then my grandparents, then an aunt and uncle, then about a mile until anybody else. I’m not so naïve to think that bad stuff can’t happen even there… but it’s astronomically unlikely. I explained this to my mom months ago and she brought up one incident that happened in a town 2 ½ hours away where a man was shot in his bed while he slept. Ok… so what about the thousands of other nights where nobody was shot? And how would having a pistol in his nightstand protected him if he was sleeping? It was a totally fear based argument that was not in the least based in reality. I determined that the NRA had gotten my family to drink the koolaid and there wasn’t much I could do about it. So, I decided to just let it drop. If my mom feels better having a pistol in her night stand then I guess there is no harm in that (other than the very real possibility that my dad or brother will come unexpectedly and get shot and it also made me think twice about getting up for a drink of water in the night).

And then the conversation started up again. Only this time it was aimed directly at me. They said that I need a gun “for home protection.” I asked against what or who since I live in a good neighborhood in a very safe town and have never once thought a second time about going out alone at night or really about doing anything. I’ve not once felt unsafe in my home. I know my neighbors, I know my community, and I know my town. Sure, bad stuff happens everywhere but it’s the exception and even then the far exception and never the rule. I explained this and then my dad did the unspeakable. He invoked “his” name – the poster child of hate crime whose shadow I have lived in since I was 17 years old. Basically my parents argument was that Matthew Shepard was just minding his own business and some bad people killed him for being gay so naturally since I live in the same town the same will probably happen to me and I need a gun to defend myself. I was insulted, shocked, angry, and horribly disappointed. This was exactly the propaganda I fight every time I leave my town. This murder was a fluke… while it does happen all over the world far more often than it should; it was not in any way a reflection of my community. I can feel safe in my community because I help to make and keep it safe. I could have shrugged it off as no big deal except for the look of real fear and concern in my parents eyes. How do I convince them that I’m probably in one of the safest places in the world for me? How do I show them that by even introducing the idea that I am unsafe they are shattering my sense of safety? How do I explain that I don’t want anything in my home that is designed for the sole purpose of killing a person? A giant rift suddenly opened up between me and my parents and years worth of work and understanding and late night heart to hearts fell into it. In a matter of minutes it became clear that my parents, for all their attempts, simply don’t understand who I am on a fundamental level. I’m just some gay dude and in their world faggots are still hunted and killed. Their world is a scary place and now it’s overshadowing the peaceful world I’ve created for myself. I don’t know how to reconcile that.

Hard evidence of why I should move

Wow, I didn't expect be in exactly the wrong state but this does explain quite a bit!



I suppose it doesn't surprise me that the worst countries for me to be in are also the ones where it's still legal to kill gay people. At least the U.S. is on my top 5 list. I don't have to leave the country but I do need to get to the coast it seems. Or just slightly south is a good first step. We'll see.

Daylight Savings Time Can Kiss My Ass!

I loved DLST this morning when my body thought I got to sleep in. Last night when the sun was setting at like 5, I hated life. I forgot what that does to me. From now until the end of DLST I’m going to have this horrible sense of dread every time the sun sets. I have no idea why. It’s happened for years. I think I have a little bit of seasonal affective disorder. I’m ok the rest of the day, it’s just sunset that freaks me out. It’s weird and I hate it but it happens and I deal with it.

What’s new? Hmm… what isn’t? Last post I talked about an unexpected first date. Well, that crapped out pretty quickly. He got back with his ex (also my ex – long story) and I found out through facebook. It went a lot like this: I had been painting the living room all day (it looks amazing, btw) and my phone rang. It’s my bff. She was on facebook and wanted to know if there was anything I wanted to tell her. Um… no… Because the guy I had gone out with had inexplicably gone from single to “in a relationship” on the night that we were supposed to see a movie together. The movie didn’t happen and instead he got back with his crazy ex. Good luck dudes… good luck. To be fair, his ex is a lot less crazy than he once was and I honestly am happy for them. It wasn’t going to work for me. I just wasn’t attracted to him. Instead I gained two friends. Plus the friend that called me was relieved that I hadn’t totally lost my mind and jumped into a relationship after only 2 semi-dates.

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that I bitch about being single a lot but I seem to always have someone on the horizon. Even though this relationship crapped out before it even started, I have a couple other guys to be excited about. A guy emailed me last week through a gay dating site. It was a really sweet email so we met up on Friday for a beer. It was a mix of good and bad. Strike one – he invited me to a bar he wasn’t even at. I went there thinking he would be there any minute so I ordered a drink and waited. And then I was THAT guy, the one in the crowded bar drinking alone and obsessively checking his phone. 30-40 minutes later he said he was on his way but had to walk. I decided to leave and meet him half way so we could talk on the way there at least since it’s impossible to have a real conversation in a bar. We met and he was a LOT cuter than I expected. *cha ching!* He was sweet and seemed very thoughtful. But then… Strike two – we got to the bar, chatted for like 4 minutes and then like 10 people he knew came in and he started doing shots with them. But then a bunch of my friends showed up so I hung out with them so it was ok. We didn’t talk much or spend much time together and he might have hit on some dude in front of me which could have been a big strike three except I might have been hitting on another dude in front of him so he still gets one strike since half of strike two and half of strike three were canceled out by my doing the exact same things. (It was complicated.)

The other dude I was hanging out with and possible flirting with at the bar was a guy I have known forever. I think I wrote about him once before. We do yoga together and I’ve known him for years but never really thought about him as dating potential. He is actually a great match for me. I’m currently working on geting up the courage to ask him out. Except with the addition of the random cute dude… I have no idea what I want. Part of me says I wouldn’t put him on hold to see what happens with the new guy if I was really into him. I’m not sure if I’m just weighing my options or if I’m just not into him.

The next night was Halloween and we had a party. The snacks were perfect, the decorations were fun, and the punch was colorful, fruity and strong. We had all the makings of a great party. Then the first wave of guests showed up – and the party died. Someone actually fell asleep. To be fair the first wave was made almost exclusively of socially awkward people. After that the party just couldn’t take off and get any better. Sad. But… yoga guy was there and stayed almost the entire night, despite the fact that the party sucked. Major points for him. Cute random dude didn’t show up. The party ended when my roommate’s fun friends finally made it back – just in time for all the other guests to leave and then they had a random dance party in the living room. At that point I was in no mood to dance. I have no idea why. I just couldn’t. They looked like they were having so much fun and I love to dance but I just couldn’t. Instead I went to my room with the dog and was a huge party pooper. I don’t understand why I can and will drive 2 hours south just to go dancing but don’t feel comfortable doing the same thing in my own living room.

My doggy is doing well. She was good at the party other than the first hour where I made her stay outside. After I quit stressing and just let her in, she was great.

Work is… the same. The all staff meeting was canceled today. I was pleased.

Things are mostly good with the roommate. I think we just need a bit of a break. He’s going home for 2-3 weeks in December so that will be good.

Ok, that’s all I can think of for now.

*Preview of coming attractions*
A blog explaining why I should not be living here – complete with statistics and charts.

Sighs

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words. Romans 8:26

Sighs too deep for words. I kind of feel like I’ve had a few of those this week. I’m sure I’m missing some important events since my last blog but I don’t feel like reading it and filling in gaps. Wednesday I found out that a job I had been waiting on to be offered was denied funding for this school year. It was pretty much the perfect job for me. I would have been working on main campus in the union in a corner office doing gender and sexuality programming and overseeing two resource centers. The job has been vacant since July and was reworked into something perfect for me. I’ve been busting my ass to do at least half of the vital duties in my own free time since someone needs to do it, plus it was a good way to get one foot in the door. I’ve been checking online almost daily to see if it was advertised and I had my cover letter, C.V. and references all ready to submit. Then on Wednesday I was standing in line at the union to buy a slice of pizza before rushing to a class to give a Safe Zone presentation when I saw the dean in charge of the position. She looked sad and apologized that she wasn’t able to get the position funded. She even had cosponsorship from a VP. There simply wasn’t any money. I know the job was never mine but I was so close. It was my little light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve recently decided that Laramie is great aside from two things. 1) I’m bored with my job. 2) I’m lonely and I wonder if I will ever meet a worthwhile guy here. I figured if I could just remedy one of those situations then that would be enough to forgive the 8 month long horrible winters and the fact that I have to leave the state to buy clothes. They will ask again for the next academic year and maybe by then we’ll have money again.

I seem to have met a guy. A guy that lives in this town, is my own age, grew up 30 miles from me in the same county, has a dog, knows practically all my friends, and I’ve actually known for years. He moved away for a few years and just recently came home. So, since he is available and interested I have instantly decided that I don’t like him. I do that. I rewrite reality to make guys that show interest into monsters. Frick… how did I get so damaged? We had coffee on Sunday. It went well so we had a beer. That went well so he asked me on a date. A real date, no games, no pussyfooting around, direct. “Would you like to go on a date with me?” It was so refreshing and to the point. I said yes and meant it. But then my demons came out to gnaw at me. “Oh, he smokes so you can’t date him even though he’s trying to quit.” “He smokes pot sometime so you can’t like him even though you really don’t give a shit if anyone smokes pot.” “He’s not a GQ model.” “His dog is too small, your dog might eat it.” And so on… until I had invented an entirely fictional troll. The date was supposed to be last night (Thursday) but he postponed on Wednesday since he was sick. Then yesterday afternoon he texted to say he was feeling much better and wanted to know if we were still on. I need at least 24 hours to acclimate to the idea of a date and so I freaked out. I told him I made other plans after he canceled. I didn’t mention that those plans were to go home, make a frozen pizza, and eat the entire thing while watching back to back episodes of Doctor Who… Then I felt bad and stupid so I compromised and we walked our dogs together. True to form, my dog was horrible but I kept her mostly under control. His dog was wearing and adorable argyle sweater and we walked through the park for almost an hour just chatting away. It was good. I’m a dumbass. Then I asked him to see a movie with me, which surprised me. In the moment I think I’m true to myself. It’s later that I go insane. Or maybe it’s later that I’m able to digest things and come to a better conclusion… frick… more second guessing. I should be institutionalized.

Um, so what else is going on… I’m getting ready to have a Halloween party. Actually, I need to send out e-vites today. I’m dressing as Doctor Who. I’m a dork but I’m excited about it! I have my suit, I have my sonic screwdriver and psychic paper, my hair is growing out, my glasses are in the mail, I just need the brown trench coat. I’ll hit the second hand stores again this weekend.

This week I gave 2 Safe Zone sessions, one for a class of 32 future teachers, and one for 16 people that just wanted to go through the program. It was really heartening to put 48 people through the program. They were all involved and interested too. The teachers make me really happy. 32 future teachers that will know how to create safe classes for all their students… that’s cool. Doing work like that is really rewarding since I can go home at the end of the day and feel like I really made a difference in the world. It makes me happy but then it made me sad again since I was so close to that being my “real” job instead of just something that I spend a ton of time doing on my own.

Work has been frustrating. I don’t’ want to say more than that.

Things at home are mostly good. I love living there. This weekend was a tad awkward since my roommate asked me if I could go somewhere else for a few hours so he could have sex. The awkward part was that I knew who he was having sex with and that I was also expected to come home when they were done and have dinner with them. Gross. Weird. Awkward. It turned out to be ok though since I came home hyped up on caffeine, slightly drunk, and in a bit of a glow from having an unexpected first date.

This weekend – painting the living room, risotto, Where the Wild Things Are, another date, purple sticky rice, beers with friends/ coworkers, and Halloween planning – in no particular order.

Liminality

Between two places. Threshold.

It’s been a long time since my last post. I’ve been really busy and I guess I just haven’t felt the urge to blog. I find that my blogging usually corresponds to times in my life where I need an outlet to vent since something is not right or I’m not happy for some reason. So, I guess not blogging is a sign that things are going well for me. That’s good news I guess.

I came to an interesting realization recently. I always sign my name with a ~ before it on emails. In addition to being a tilde it’s also a sign of approximation. So, what I’m really saying is that I’m only approximately myself so I’m always in a state of becoming. I suppose this is probably accurate. I’ve always felt like I’m sort of between places and “becoming.” Becoming what… who knows… more myself? I suppose that’s probably true.

I’ve been a busy little bee lately. I went home to see my family the weekend before last. It was nice to see them and I’m happy to say it was less awkward than it’s been for the last few visits. Nobody outed me to an extended relative, nobody got all creepy conservative on me, there was no discussion of uncomfortable political differences, it was just nice. The weirdest part of the entire weekend was when my dad and brother were gone and it was just me and my mom hanging out at home. I have no idea how to use their TV/satellite. I don’t even have cable anymore and they have pretty much every channel in the universe and just one universal remote to run their huge flat screen, DVD player, satellite, and whatever else it is that my brother has installed. So, when my dad left he plunked the intimidating remote next to me on the couch and I found myself watching a rerun of a show on Food Network that I don’t even like. My mom came in and asked what I was watching and I mumbled something vaguely comprehensible that she interpreted as “please change the channel since I’m scared of this remote.” She found HGTV since apparently that’s what she watches when dad leaves and Color Splash was on. She apparently just adores the host of this show and went on and on about how cute he is and how much she likes him and then she got all conspiratorial and asked if I thought he was gay. I had my laptop next to me so I just googled his name. I didn’t really need to google him to know he was gay, he was practically vomiting rainbows. So, I told my mom that yes he was gay and then she wanted to know how old he was and where he lived and implied that it would be ok if I brought him home some day. Weird as it was, it was very sweet of her. My parents are great.

October is gay awareness month and I’ve certainly been aware of being gay. The GLBT student group has been keeping me very busy lately with events. Sunday night we wrote all over the sidewalks for the “first national you-are-loved sidewalk message project.” It was really cool and I actually ended up on the evening news because of it. Sometimes people just need a reminder that they are loved.

I went to church for the first time in years last Sunday. The Universal Church of Christ in town is having their “coming out” party as an open and affirming church and the pastor asked for people to come talk with their adult study group about our coming out stories. They were so supportive and accepting and wonderful. It was amazing to be asked into a church exactly as I am. His sermon was really good too. He started with the story of Jonah and the Whale, talked about how he doesn’t believe this is a literal story but how it is most certainly “truth.” Just to hear a pastor say that he doesn’t believe in the literal translation of the Bible meant a lot and that he recognized the fact that it’s a parable – a teaching story. Then he talked about liminality, one of my favorite subjects. I love the idea of in-between places since I often feel like I’m in a state of flux from one form to another. His sermon was about the in-between times in your life and about how sometimes it takes a big event to shake everything loose so that you can “rearrange your internal furniture.” He even talked about how the church was in an in-between place now of moving to be an open and affirming church that welcomes same gender loving and transgendered congregants. This morning I saw that I missed a phone call from him, asking if he could borrow a rainbow flag or some sort of rainbow flair to decorate the church with next Sunday. It’s going to take a while to wrap my mind around all this. He even offered to do commitment ceremonies for GLBT people. That’s big.

My life has been in a sort of constant state of change for as long as I can remember and I feel like I have even bigger changes in my future. Eventually a new job, eventually I’ll buy a house, eventually I know I’ll meet someone and hopefully have a commitment ceremony. These things could all be years and years away but they are on the horizon and that’s comforting. Change is a good thing. Liminality is a good thing. Pleasant surprises are great. I guess I’m happy and that’s great too. It’s probably weird that I have to use the words “I guess” in terms of my own happiness but it’s hard to see yourself since you are standing at ground zero.

I am Imaginary

I don’t exist. Or at least sometimes I worry that I will stop existing for certain people. I don’t mean that in a “death or dying” sort of way or even in some sort of weird existentialist sort of way. Or maybe I do… but that would require reading up on existentialism and I don’t want to do that. It’s just that sometimes I worry that my existence is dependent on others paying attention to my existence. Sort of in the same vein as “if a tree falls in the woods…” or how “fun” doesn’t really count as “fun” to my dog unless someone is watching.

I have some great friends that live in the same town as me that I see fairly often, but other than my roommate I don’t really “hang out” with anyone a regular basis. Sure there are occasional lunches and coffees and cocktails after work but there is nobody that I actually spend time with on purpose more than once every week or two or three. So many of my friends are “e-friends” that live in a different city, state, or even country. I spend an inordinate amount of time writing to people each week that I’ve not seen in weeks or months or even years. Some of these people are incredibly important to me and even if I don’t see them I can’t imagine what my life would be like if they weren’t a part of it at some point in some way. But then I wonder if I just stop writing to these people, how long would it be before they noticed? A month? What would happen if we just never spoke again? Friendship has no contractual obligation… so what keeps us together? I’m almost afraid of answering that question because often the answer might be; “nothing.” I keep these people with me as memories. They are sometimes badges of accomplishment, sometimes morose reminders of failed relationships, and sometimes reminders of who I once was.

I can think of at least 4 people that were at various times my “best friend” but I have seen in months. And knowing this it makes me wonder where I’ll be in a year, or 5 years, or 20 years and who will my friends be then. Will I finally give up on all the imaginary people in my life or will I still be diligently writing to them? Will they give up on me and let me shrink back into the corners of their memory? And if that does happen then what was the point? Or will they stop being “imaginary” friends and go back to being “real” friends that I hang out with regularly? Will they somehow get bumped up the list? Will fate draw us back together? And it’s this hope and possibility that makes staying in contact worth the effort.

For the record, if you are reading this, it probably doesn’t apply to you. Few people still bother to read this blog and those people I imagine will probably stay with me in some way forever. I guess the people I’m worrying about right now fall under the category of “almost lovers.” People that I had a short relationship with or would have liked to have had a relationship but something prevented it. People that I cared about very deeply for a very short amount of time and longed to make a part of my life but couldn’t do that in any way other than “pen pal.” These are the people that I still hang on to. Some of you might remember almost a year ago when I accidentally fell in love with an author. We spent so little time together but it felt like we had always known each other. We still keep in touch but he’s busy writing and teaching and has a boyfriend and lives in a different country. I write and I wait a few weeks and eventually hear from him. Each time I about convince myself that he’s ended our friendship by simply not writing and each time I almost come to terms with what that would mean to me and then an email shows up apologizing for not writing sooner. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to just let this go… to let him lapse… but I can’t and I won’t. There are others that I have on my messenger list that I chat with once every month or two. Guys I was hopeful about but again something prevented a real “in person” relationship. No matter the reason seeing them online or getting an email is simultaneously a happy but very nostalgic moment for me.

I know this post is out there. It rambles and doesn’t make much sense. I just needed to write. Congratulations if you made it this far.

To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.

Labor Day

It seems like I started writing a blog last week but lost interest and deleted it. I believe it was about the ongoing “Velveeta Saga.” So, I’ll shorthand the story and move on. My roommate is a food snob. (Well, a Euro-snob in general but specifically food - seriously he spends hundreds of dollars on food each month.) I bought Velveeta to make mac and cheese while he was gone one night. It’s how my mom made it, I know it’s mostly chemicals, I realize it actually has the word “food” in the title and that it’s not actually “cheese.” I just wanted it because it was familiar and comforting to me. Many discussions, much debate, a few hurt feelings later… fast forward… the Velveeta box is still in the fridge but is now in an actual red biohazard bag on it that I've ignored for almost 2 weeks. Damn snobby Czechs… I’m sure he ate something even worse as a kid… pig brain or something…

Otherwise, things are pretty good at home. I sometimes get cranky and need some “me” time but that’s normal. All complaints and differences aside, I like having a roommate, even if he is a Euro-snob. I think he had a date last night. He showered and left for hours and basically told me to “not wait up.” But he was deliberately mysterious about it as if he wanted me to ask where he was going. I didn’t. I was just happy to have some time to myself. My only regret is not eating some of my nasty “processed American cheese food product” while he was gone!

I had a nice Labor Day weekend. Friday night I was a grump and stayed home by myself to watch Doctor Who and eat Ben and Jerry’s in bed. Sometimes I just need a night to myself and that specific night I just couldn’t face the prospect of hanging out with my Euro-snob roommate and his even snobbier European friends. Spending an evening with people that immigrated to this country from other places to work and having them bitch about how much better their home countries are is extremely tiresome and makes me spout off very republican sounding things. So, I try to avoid that now. I appreciate their loyalty to their home countries but I get tired of explaining why things are done differently here and I get sick of having to defend things I don’t even fully understand myself. For example... roads that are solid instead of cobblestone. Sure, if we have to replace them, then they have to be ripped out and re-poured entirely and yes it's a huge pain in the ass... but cobblestone streets don't work in an environment where you have to remove snow for 9 months of the year or have heavy fast moving traffic. It's not a better or a worse system, it's simply different, shut up and quit bitching or move back to where you came from! :-P

Saturday night I went to the opening of a tapas and martini bar in the next town over. Some friends I hadn’t seen in a long time invited me and I was grateful to be out of town for a night! We had a martini at their house before going out. Well… most of us had one martini… someone had 2-3 and was drunk before getting to what might have been the classiest place in town. (That still isn’t saying a lot for this town though.) His boyfriend was tad embarrassed but I thought it was pretty funny and I had a great time. Best of all, it was totally free. Free tapas, free martini, free desert, all of it. We did leave a good tip since we were kind of a pain for our waiter. After, we went to an older gay couple’s house to chat and drink a beer or two. It was so nice to get out and spend time with new people! Sometimes it’s nice to step out of your own existence for a night and experience new things.

Sunday we painted my room. Well, we primered my room to be more accurate. First there was the taping of the trim, then the covering of the floor, then the primer. Two coats later, my room is white. The actual proper painting will take place next weekend. Still no idea what color. Not blue, not white, not green, not yellow. That doesn’t leave much… brown, orange, pink. The last suggestion was “watermelon.” Well, actually the last suggestion was squares… but I don’t see either of those happening. I’m thinking maybe a reddish/ pinkish sandstone color if I can find the exact shade I’m thinking of.

Then Monday (Labor Day) we got up early (for a day off) and went up to the mountains to do some hiking. I took the doggy along but had some very mixed feelings about it. I’ve never taken her hiking before since she’s dumb enough to run into the woods and get eaten, or push me off the side of a cliff because she smelled something interesting. I was glad to have my roommate with me since we took turns walking her. It was pretty much the coolest thing to ever happen to my dog. There were smells and things and… and… and! Unfortunately, in her excitement she totally wore herself out and then we had to practically drag her all the way back to the car. She slept the rest of the day. She was still pretty groggy this morning when I left for work.

And now… back to work. Only about an hour left to go then I’m slipping out early for a meeting on main campus. I feel fall creeping up and I noticed a few yellow-ish leaves yesterday. Boo… I would love fall if it didn’t mean winter was just around the corner.

Twos

Wow, it’s been over two weeks since my last blog post. I just haven’t felt like blogging for some reason. I always have things to say; just sometimes I don’t feel like writing them down to anonymously post in a blog. (Even though I’m not sure how anonymous this is anyway.)

So, I guess to start – a follow up on the last blog. I wrote about how my dad outed me to my grandpa, which was fine since he had permission. But I guess the story didn't end there. To recap, my grandpa jokingly asked if I was gay and my dad very mater-of-factly said that yes I am gay. I guess they chatted a little while longer and my grandpa said something to the effect that he just doesn’t understand how that works. My dad just looked at him and said “you don’t have to understand, you just have to accept him.” I almost cried when my mom told me the rest of the story. I am really blessed to have such amazing parents. That was exactly the right thing for my dad to say.

Things at home are a little weird and confusing still. I feel very much at home there. Possibly more than I ever felt “at home” even after 2 years of living in my last apartment. With the (near) completion of the upstairs bathroom and the installation of new recessed lights, the house took on a very warm “housey” feel that I love. And I like not being alone and sharing meals with a friend.

My dog is behaving a lot better than she ever has before. She loves having more people around and we actually had a guest over on Sunday night and she wasn’t a total embarrassment! She treated him just like he was one of the regular inhabitants of the house. Daddy was very pleased.

As I said, the roommate situation continues to be a little weird and confusing. He might have proposed to me last night. I’m not sure. I know… you are either proposed to or not, there is no “not sure” but… well… I’m not sure. I’ll pick up on the possible proposal in a minute. First some more back story. Last week he asked me if I would be his “insignificant other” at a going away party bbq thingy for one of his colleagues. I was a little offended at the “insignificant” part but I certainly don’t want to be “significant” either and I also decided that bbq accompaniment fell squarely in the realm of “boyfriend duties.” But I also knew that he wouldn’t have asked if he didn’t want me there and I remember going to work related events alone and hating it so I was considering going. I would have known at least 2 other people there and going to functions and meeting people is probably good for me. My other option was a shopping trip I had been putting off for some time. I needed new jeans. All my pants had more or less simultaneously self destructed so I had like one or two pair left that didn’t have a huge rip in the ass or weren’t embarrassingly short or something like that. I explained this to my roommate on the day of the bbq and he was feeling a little passive aggressive since I wasn’t going with him so he said something about how my ass and bad pants were the least of my problems. Well, that settled it. I was not going anywhere with him if he was going to be crabby. I gathered my shit and drove an hour and a half south to the nearest Banana Republic to partake of 30% off jeans.

Have you ever done something you thought was completely out of character only to realize that you’ve actually done it before and therefore it was pretty normal for you? It’s sort of an unsettling feeling to learn something new about yourself that is slightly less than desirable. I might have sort of possibly been a party to a booty call while I was on my shopping trip. The confusing part is that I’m not sure if I made the call or answered it and somehow I wasn’t aware of what I was getting myself into until it was happening but it still wasn’t a surprise. I’ve known the guy for at least a couple years and somehow every time we have spent more than 5 minutes together we’ve eventually ended up naked and sweaty. It’s just not been so direct before. In the past he’s usually been passing through and needed a place to stay and then “stuff just happened.” This time there was no pretext, we both knew why we were there. I guess it wasn’t really a big deal, just sort of unexpected in an “I should have figured that out sooner” sort of way. It was nice to see him and I have no complaints.

So, I guess to recap… my roommate might or might not be hitting on me and seems to not know if he wants to date me or not and so he asked me to a bbq and instead I drove to a different state to bang another dude. That would seem really slutty except I am most certainly single and I have always been at least a little in love with the guy I went to see. The last time he was in town a friend saw us having dinner together and she asked who he was. I just said “he’s the one that got away.” Damn, he has pretty eyes… and now he’s running through my mind again. Why can’t I just have a normal relationship where both parties like each other and everything can work out? I’m tired of only be being liked by people that I can’t be with or liking people I can’t have. I think I’m going to write a book about my relationships and call it “Unrequited.”

So, back to the possible but not probable proposal. I got home last night a little before 8:00. I’m usually home much earlier but I’m taking a 6:30 yoga class. My roommate was standing in the kitchen looking unusually grumpy. It seems he almost got hit by a car biking home, was hungry, I was late, and it was probably my turn to make dinner. That would make me grumpy too. But I was unusually cheerful after my yoga class so I didn’t let it bother me. I took a quick shower and then offered to help him make dinner since he was working on a salad when I got out of the shower. I decided to make grilled pastrami and swiss on rye bread since the bread needed used up and was getting a tiny bit stale. There was a bit of a heel left after I made the sandwiches. My roommate asked me what we called that and he was pleased to find that it’s a heel in both English and Czech. Then I cut it in half put it on the plates with the sandwich and that’s where the weirdness came in. It seems he so strongly approved of the eating and/or sharing of the last bit of the bread that he said he almost wanted to propose to me. I played it off as a joke and asked; “over a heel of bread?” And he got kind of serious and said; “for a lot of reasons.” I just told him to eat his sandwich and ignored the entire situation. Later in the meal he announced that he found me a “husband” online and described the site the guy’s profile was on and what he looked like. One minute it’s near marriage proposals, the next he’s pimping me out to strangers. Boyz R dum.

So, after not sharing anything for weeks I’m probably over sharing in this. But I guess that’s just how I roll.

Family... you have to love them

I went home this weekend to visit my family. I haven’t been home in almost 6 months. I didn’t realize it had been that long but my mom certainly knew. I had seen my family though, they came down here once, I saw my mom and dad midway once, and my brother came here to help me move… plus I talk to my mom about 3 times a week and my dad and brother once every week or two. Sometimes I wonder how I even came from there. I outgrew the town years ago but you aren’t really allowed to outgrow your own family.

I got home and there on the kitchen counter was a pistol. The clip for it was sitting next to it. And next to that was my brothers NRA membership card. I had seen this pistol before but it used to be kept locked up in a closet somewhere. I have no idea why it was just sitting on the kitchen counter with the bullets for it right next to it. The NRA scares the hell out of me. I’m not anti guns, but I’m not pro guns either, and I am anti NRA for sure. I knew this became an issue with my dad and brother in the last election. They both voted for McCain since they were convinced Obama would take their guns away. Yes, my family seems to be one of those families that stockpiles guns and grumbles that the government wants to take them away from them. Neat. But whatever… I guess that’s fine. I personally have no use for guns in my life… but that’s just me.

My family is pretty cool with my being gay, at least to the point that they don’t say anything derogatory. I think that’s just because they love me and accept me for who I am and that is pretty much awesome. I’m so incredibly thankful for that. But I also know that the word “choice” is probably floating in the backs of their minds and “disappointment” isn’t too far away. As if they really wish I would just stop this nonsense and get a girlfriend and start making babies so they can tell their friends and neighbors. I wish it was that simple, and I would love to give my mom grandkids… but it’s just not in the cards for me. Maybe someday I’ll adopt but only if I happen to marry someone that is completely loaded and well connected. I’m thrilled to have a family that loves me unconditionally but I feel like we live on different planets. Plus that’s the only way to describe the 4 ½ hour drive home, each way.

So it doesn’t sound like I’m just whining about my conservative family I’m going to preface this next story with the fact that I found it very funny, so do me a favor and laugh at the end. It seems my brother has a girlfriend. This was news to me, but we don’t really talk much. We get along just fine, we just don’t chat much for some reason. It seems my dad and grandpa were talking a couple days before I got home about my brother and his girlfriend and my grandpa asked my dad why I didn’t have a girlfriend and then asked (probably jokingly) if I was gay. My dad was just like “uh, yeah.” I have no idea how my grandpa reacted since my mom related this story to me just minutes before my grandparents got to our house for dinner. When they walked through the door I happened to be standing in front of the stove blanching peaches so I could take the skin off and peal them for dessert. I might as well have been wearing a big pink apron that said “Sissy Mary” on it when my grandpa walked in. He asked what I was doing, I told him, and he said “You’ll make someone a good wife some day” and that was it. That was his way of welcoming me out of the closet. So… that’s good, right? I had to laugh.

I didn’t really ever have any plan to tell my grandparents unless I got into a very serious relationship and wanted to share my partner with my extended family. And as much as I hate it… it seemed much more likely that my grandparents would laps into senility than I would meet a decent guy. I told my parents long ago that they can out me to anyone they want, just as long as they tell me after. This isn’t how it usually works, but I wanted them to have some sense of control over the situation and anyone they tell would be a relative that I only see a handful of times a year but they see almost weekly. And sometimes it’s easier for someone else to tell those people while I’m safely 4 ½ hours away.

The evening didn’t end there. We enjoyed a nice meal and at some point the topic of the environment came up. It turns out nobody in my family believes in global warming and described it as “propaganda cooked up by the liberals.” Neat. Much like Sara Palin, they believe in climate change but not that humans have any sort of impact on it. It’s just a natural thing that happens no matter what and the only reason you should save gas is so you can personally save money. Now, to be honest I’m not sure how big of a factor humans play in climate change or even how much the climate is changing… BUT I do believe we are polluting the hell out of the planet and that is having some very serious consequences on our quality of life. I also believe that our climate is changing and our actions are having some sort of affect on that. But what do I know? I’m just a (college educated) bleeding heart liberal nut job.

I didn’t realize that anyone actually thought these things… let alone MY OWN FAMILY! I’m constantly amazed that I came from that place. I love my family and always will… but DaaaMN!!!

Every time I go home I seem to have drifted further away. At this point the only unifying factor I have with my family is food. That’s why I tell people that being a vegetarian would be worse for me than being gay. At least I can still sit down for a meal with my family and eat the same food. I’m not sure if going home more often would make things better or worse. No matter what, I need to spend more time with my family while I can. Who knows what the future could hold for any of us.

Eep!

So, I was chatting with a coworker yesterday. We were talking about budget cuts and how fishy it was that 2 months ago the director hinted that another position would have to be cut but then nothing more has been mentioned since. We then talked about the recent firings and people quitting. The first person “fired” due to budget cuts has been more or less replaced, so we didn’t really save any money there. The second person was fired by the university and might not have been even funded by our institution… so I’m not sure that saved us any money. Then someone recently quit but they plan on replacing her. So… if my math is right… we’ve lost maybe one position and will temporarily lose a second but we needed to cut at least two. This left us speculating about who would be next. The university promised that no faculty would be cut – this leaves staff. We’ve already lost the majority of our staff so this leaves a secretary (that’s been here forever and also does all of our publications and is the director's assistant), our accountant (who will have to basically do 3 jobs since the rest of her office is gone), a woman that’s been working here for 20+ years and makes up virtually an entire department, and me. Well… it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out which of those four people would be cut first. Me. I guess the only saving grace is the fact that all the other cuts have been arbitrary and the people cut were actually needed so that might save my job. I’m probably just freaking myself out for no reason but I hate to be caught with my guard down. I do want to eventually leave, but not because I was fired!

I guess I’ll just try to keep my options open and figure things out as they come along. I’m about to apply for a part time job at an art museum. I couldn’t live off a part time salary but it would be a pretty sweet job and a foot in the door.

I guess I don’t have much else to report. I should hear back on my job ap to the art school in a week.

Things at home are good. The upstairs bathroom is nearly finished. An electrician is installing some lights today. I spent several hours removing ¾ of the wallpaper from my bedroom ceiling on Sunday until I couldn’t possibly hold my arms above my head any longer. We’re still having fun and I still enjoy having a roommate.

If things don’t work out and I end up staying another 6 months or even a year, I guess that would be ok. I’m getting my credit cards paid down and saving some money again. Plus other than being bored to tears at work, and the fact that I’m convinced I will never meet a guy here… I’m reasonably happy.

Is Everything Ok?

Someone I work with asked me if I was ok this morning. I replied that I was fine. Then she said that I looked tired and like I didn’t want to be at work. Uhhh… yeah? And? Wait, it’s not normal for someone to drag their ass to work 10 minutes late every day and then be tired and bored for roughly 8 hours before eventually fleeing the building?! Hmm… weird. Maybe I should look into that.

I had a nice chat with a friend the other day. She got all serious on me and told me it was time for me to move on. There is nothing left for me here and I’m wasted on this town. I tend to agree but knowing that and actually finding a practical way to leave are two very different things. I sent a job application to a pretty cool art school the other day. It was a general application that they will match with the 20-some jobs they have open in 3 different cities. I’m hoping to be matched with a job in Denver but I don’t think I would complain if I were offered a job in Chicago or San Francisco, provided I made enough to be able to live in one of those places.

Here is a secret confession… I find jobs in places I would like to live, I fill out the application, I put together a C.V. and a cover letter and then I just sit on them. I never actually mail them off. I’ve done this with maybe 10-20 jobs in the last year or so. The art school ap was the first exception in a very long time. It felt good, even if nothing comes from it.

When I moved here, it was so simple. I literally just threw some stuff in my 4-Runner and showed up in town. I crashed with some friends for a few months, I looked for and found a job, and eventually I started grad school and moved into a very nice apartment with a good friend. Sure, I was broke for months and it was pretty scary finding a job… but I managed just fine. I’m not sure what the difference is now. I have more stuff, but that is manageable. I have a dog, but she can travel. I have more bills, but I can handle them.

My friend told me something that I’ve given a lot of thought. She said I am afraid of the unknown. Moving is an unknown. It is something that I can’t visualize. She said I have somehow lost the ability to see possibility and that I’m only seeing what is in front of me. She’s probably right. She then went on to list all of these qualities that she sees in me that I take for granted. It helped somehow. I guess I’ll figure out what’s next when the time comes. I just need to keep pushing myself.

On the home front – things are pretty good. I really like living with the Czech. We removed all the wallpaper from my room last Sunday. I started by ripping down the two outermost layers and then we steamed the bottom 2-3 layers off. It was actually kind of fun! We were sort of arguing over whose turn it was to use the steamer since we both enjoyed using it so much. In the end I let him have his fun toy and I went to the kitchen to make potato salad. Meals there are always very nice and civilized. We take turns cooking and it’s always good food. Then we sit at the kitchen table to eat. Sometimes we chat, sometimes we listen to classical music on NPR, and sometimes we eat in silence. It’s often very Desperate Housewives-ish. The other night I got home and couldn’t think of something to make for dinner, he was sanding the bathroom floor, and I couldn’t really face the thought of one more “perfect” meal so I told him I was having dinner with a friend and then went to Sonic and devoured a nasty chili cheese dog in my car as fast as I was able. I felt like some deranged housewife that escaped from Wisteria Lane and as if I should have been wearing big dark sunglasses and a shawl over my head. But other than that brief freak out things are going well. I’m not sure how long I’ll want to ultimately stay there but I’m giving myself until November as a deadline. Why November? I dunno. Winter sucks?

So, I guess that’s about all I have to report other than one thing. I’m developing a bit of a crush on someone in Denver. He seems perfect and I’ve known him for months but I’ve managed to keep from developing any feelings for him until very recently. It was actually an email that pushed me over the edge. I don’t remember what he even said in it… but somehow… *boom!* feelings. Sigh… Don’t get me wrong, it’s great and I really don’t think I could have hand picked a better guy to have a crush on… but I can’t do long distance again and I flat out refuse to move for a guy. It’s a good thing I was planning on going that direction anyway. It kind of makes me feel like things are falling into place and that kind of scares me. Sheesh… how fucked up am I?! :-P

Random Friday Evening Musings

This has to be right up there on the list of generally awesome things:



Incidentally, I want my wedding to be choreographed by Mia Michaels. If you don't know who that is then you don't get to be in my wedding. (Don't worry, I'm at least a few years away so you have time to google her.) ;-)

I've been a sick puppy lately. I'm reasonably sure it's a new strain of swine flu passed on through trees. I'm creatively calling it "tree flu." In reality it was probably just a bad cold. I missed work for at least half the week so I stayed home, napped, ate soup and drank tea that I couldn't taste, and watched episodes of Torchwood on my laptop. Oh, and if you don't know Torchwood then you don't get to be in my wedding either. ;-) I'm feeling better now and have been able to randomly smell and taste things throughout the day so I hope to have all of my senses returned to me by tomorrow. (Or at least whatever sense I had before getting the plague.)

In other news: I bought a bike. My roommate put it together for me last night. I would say that he helped me but it would probably be a stretch to say that I even helped him. I'm reasonably handy but apparently "bike assembly" is not going on my list of manly things I'm able to do. I was going to name my bike Stella. I'm not sure why... but now I've decided my bike is a boy so it's name isn't Stella. Again, not sure why I think my bike is a boy.

Um... I guess that's all I can think of right now. I'm probably forgetting something but that's ok. I'm including some more videos. The first is a song/ musician I just decided that I like. The second is part of why I love Torchwood. Enjoy!





Incidentally, the actor that plays Captain Jack Harkness is actually gay. It makes me happy to see gay characters on TV that aren't stereotypes and even happier to see them being played by gay actors!

Cops and Czechs and Bears, Oh My!

This is at least the third time I’ve attempted to write this blog so I’m just going to chug my coffee and blast it out!

Living with the Czech has been pretty good so far. I really like simply not being alone all the time. Sure, maybe that’s lame… but whatever. I work in an isolated vault at work all day and like to go home to find a friendly face. Plus living with him is sort of forcing me to be a better person. I can’t do any of the embarrassing things I would do by myself like eat an entire bag of chips or consume nothing but mac and cheese for 3 days or watch 5 hours of Sex and the City reruns. We’re eating pretty healthy balanced meals, he silently guilted me into buying a bike, (he didn’t actually say anything, I was just feeling like a fat lazy American for driving to work when I could just as easily walk or ride a bike) and I’m getting up on time for work and haven’t really been late weeks. Plus it’s just fun living there! He decided to buy a grill last weekend. We both went to the store to look at them and he had been debating for some time between gas and charcoal. I could tell he wanted a charcoal grill but almost everyone told him gas was the way to go. After a little looking around he settled on a nice round charcoal grill and we took it home. He assembled the grill in the back yard while I mixed up some yum-tastic hamburger meat. (I make good burgers.) I stashed the burgers in the fridge and went out to help him start the coal. I read the instructions on the coal chimney thing to him and we seemed to be in business. It said 15-20 minutes… an hour later the coals were barely warm and there was a wisp of smoke coming off and nothing else. Three hours and three beers later we were stuffing dry pine cones under the chimney and toasting marshmallows on the resulting flames. Another hour and probably another beer later we had the burgers cooked (and they were amazing!) and we were marveling that we actually ate over a pound and a half of beef between the two of us. Then to top it all off we made smores. I’m not sure he had ever had a smore. (This was the big exception to that previous healthy eating statement!)

Then Sunday we met up with some buddies and went to Beer Bust at this leather/ bear bar in Denver. It wasn’t really my scene but I’m always happy to get out of town and I’m pretty good at fitting in at clubs and having fun no matter what. Our cop friend drove us and it was the Czech’s first time to a gay club in Denver so we came up with some rules and safety nets. We only had to text “code 11” to the rest of the group and where in the club we were and someone would come rescue us. I wasn’t worried about it but it made everyone else feel better. I’m the baby of the group and they all kind of think of me as their little brother. It’s kind of annoying but at the same time it’s sweet to have three guys looking out for you. It was $8 for a bottomless cup of beer. You just buy the cup and then people come around with pitchers and keep it full for you. Dangerous! After a few hours we were pretty much drunk so our cop friend rounded us up and took us to dinner. If you’re drunk you will do anything a cop tells you to do even if he’s not in uniform and he’s your friend! It was a fun trip!

I think I surprised my friends by being fairly outgoing and social. I met two other friends there, met new people, chatted, circulated, and had a great time. One friend I actually met there for the first time. We had been chatting for months and we both knew we would be good friends no matter what but it technically was the first time we had hung out in person. Sometimes you just meet someone and in a second you know you will be great friends. The other friend I met there was the same guy I spent the 4th with. It wasn’t a date and I’m thinking the 4th wasn’t either. It was nice to see him and we had fun together and then he left somewhat abruptly. I’m still not sure why. He’s great but I just don’t know him very well yet and I’m still afraid of a long distance relationship (or it’s more likely that I’m just afraid of a relationship and I use the long distance thing as an excuse). I’m not going to stress about it though. We’ll continue to see each other occasionally and see what happens. For what it's worth all my friends overwhelmingly liked him.

Moving out of my old apartment was probably the best decision I’ve made in years. I was stagnating there. Even though 90% of my stuff is in storage and I’m semi-homeless, I’m happier than I can remember being in quite some time. I was in my old apartment a few days after moving out to pick up my security deposit and I expected to have some sort of nostalgic feelings but I felt nothing. It was just a place that I kept my stuff for a while. Actually, I had just about the same amount of attachment that I would to a concrete storage unit. Somehow being disconnected from that place is encouraging me to move forward once again. I’m working on FINALLY finishing my stupid MA and I’m serious about finding a job in Denver now. I know I’ve said those things before, like 10,000 times… and I always meant it but I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything about it. Now I feel like I’m able and that’s a good feeling.

Breakfast, Sideways Glances, and Dinner

I’m going to write this in reverse order since I’m currently sitting in the living room smelling amazing smells coming from the kitchen. It seems my new roommate and I are taking turns cooking dinner and it’s his night. I made a stir fry last night that he deemed “excellent,” high praise from someone that doesn’t give unwarranted compliments. He’s a great cook, probably even better than me. His father was recently here and when asked what he thought of a meal that I thought was great, he replied; “it was... warm-ish.” Just an example of what he’s used to in terms of honesty in compliments. I think he said he’s making arroz con pollo. At this point I would happily eat anything since I’m starving!

Yoga class was great tonight. Some practices are somehow a lot better than others. After, I took a much needed shower (I sweat a LOT in yoga practice) and then I took the monster dog for a walk. On my way into the gym I noticed a guy I had never seen before. (In this town it’s actually possible to know when you are encountering someone you’ve never seen before.) He was kinda cute and walking toward me, so I sort of made eye contact – mostly because he happened to be in my line of sight and it would have actually been rude not to. Surprisingly, he made eye contact back and smiled. Whoh, what? So, I looked away and thought… well that was weird so I turned back just in time to see him turn back to see me turning back to look at him and this time we both smiled. I chuckled to myself and continued walking. In the “real” world at this point I probably should have stopped and said hello but it was so unexpected that I just walked on. Course, I clearly suck at actually getting from the point of meeting someone to the point of actually asking them out. I gots no game.

Work today was brutal. Actually, it has been all week. Not because I’m busy. I am bored to tears. I actually have things to do but they are the same old boring things I’ve been doing for 4 years and have been bored with for just about as long. That’s not good. I was walking through the stairwell, probably after checking my empty mailbox for the 100th time, and realized there really wasn’t a single job in that building that I would want to do for more than a couple weeks. Worse yet, the few jobs I would want are basically off limits unless I would actually have to quit, leave, start a new degree, and then apply for some position that happens to open up in 2-3 years. I think this is the actual definition of a dead end job.

It’s funny… I feel like I have everything I should want out of life right now but in all the wrong ways. My job seems cool and I love telling people about it… it’s just the actual doing of the job that makes me want to pluck my eyes out with olive forks. I’m living in a cute little house with a literal white picket fence with a guy that brings me breakfast in the morning. True story, I forgot my breakfast today and he actually noticed when he left for work and brought it to me. Ok, that’s just about the coolest thing ever. The ladies in my office were totally jealous. But… he’s not mine. The house isn’t mine. I’m a guest here. When we go out and seem like the cute gay couple walking the cute dog… all lies. We aren’t a couple and the dog is a pain is crazy. It’s like I’m living in someone else’s life and nothing quite fits. It’s all great stuff… but it’s not for me. I feel like an imposter. I wonder who has my life.

Time for re-evaluations. What sort of job would make me happy? Where should I go and what should I do to capture that ever elusive partner or dare I even say husband. And then… would I even be happy. I’m terrified that I’m just a complainer and will never be satisfied with what I have.

But… for now dinner is ready and it smells great and I am happy living in this house right now. Something more permanent will come later. I just have to have faith. See, I'm not all gloom and doom. ;-)

Arg!

I just want someone to tell me what to do! I'm not sure how long I'm able to live where I'm currently at and I hate not knowing where I'll be living in a month. I just want to be able to say: "this is my address." So, since my current living situation is probably temporary I've been looking for a new place of my own and I've come to the following conclusions: 1) even though I got a raise and have nearly $100 more a month to spend on housing I'm still pretty much going to be poor, 2) living above ground costs a LOT more than a basement apartment and I'm not going back underground, 3) everyone in town owns a dog but only a few people will rent to a dog owner and there is usually some sort of insanely high additional fee, 4) to avoid being totally poor I need to find a roommate, 5) roommates can be scary. I was waiting to look at a crazy-cheap 3 bedroom house but it was rented before it was even available. Lame. Yesterday I looked at this GREAT 2 bedroom Victorian but it's like $1000+ a month and my poor little pay check can't handle that without a roommate. At the moment I can't think of a single person that needs a place and that I would want to live with. Lame. Also yesterday, I was contacted through craigslist by someone renting a 2 bedroom furnished house. (I posted an add looking for housing.) I replied that I have too much stuff to be able to rent a furnished place but I actually knew the guy renting it so I said hi and then he wrote back saying he is actually looking for a roommate for another place that is really nice and pretty cheap. This seems like a win-win situation since I would be paying less than I was before but actually living above ground in a beautiful house. The only trouble is that the guy that would be my roommate has a bit of a "history" and kind of parties and the people I have quizzed about him have seemed a little hesitant. Lame.

Would it be wrong of me to quit my job, take a sugar daddy, and move to Denver? Right now that seems like my best option. And yes, I do know a potential sugar daddy.

Why does all this have to be so damn difficult?!

This /Slash/ That

I can say with quite a bit of certainty that I've been quite thoroughly enjoying this 4th of July weekend. I'm also really enjoying my new home. It's not really seemed weird yet. I'm not sure why I expected it to be weird... probably because awkward is my self described "thing." Sure, it's been a little odd at times while we sort of figure out how this new living situation is supposed to work... but it's not really been too strange yet. The first truly awkward moment came on Friday night. I was sitting in the back yard talking on the phone and my new roommate/ ex boyfriend came home with some beer and groceries. He handed me a beer and sat down in a lawn chair a few feet away. This was all very nice except I happened to be on the phone with a guy I had been emailing and chatting with online for months. It was the first time we had made the "jump" to talking on the phone and we were making plans to meet up sometime in the near future. This was an already awkward situation made even worse with the addition of another pair of ears listening on. In the end it all worked out though.

The guy I was on the phone with lives in Denver and we had met on okcupid.com since we had something like a 96% match. That was my highest match for anyone in like the intermountain west region so I sent him an email months ago and we enjoyed a fun and thoughtful correspondence for several months. We were both single when we met then I was dating the guy that is now my roommate and then he was dating someone and then we found ourselves both single at the same time so we decided it was time to actually meet in person. He drove up here yesterday (the 4th of July) just to see me. I think this might be some sort of record. I'm not sure any dude from Denver has ever offered to drive up here to see another dude, ever. We almost always have to migrate south in order to find the men folk. So, he got here and we wandered around the festival in the park, we had lunch, we wandered around the festival some more and had a funnel cake, and then he went home. Admittedly, it wasn't an exceptionally eventful day but it was good. I think we both felt just a little off our games and hopefully there will be a second date. If that even was a date... it's hard to say. At any rate, I'm going to see him a week from today in Denver. On paper he's perfect for me, plus he's pretty darn cute. I feel like there aren't really any big compromises other than the distance, no big things I have to forgive, no strange flaws that don't mesh with my own strange flaws, we aren't exactly cookie cutter duplicates, which is good, since instead we sort of compliment each other... at least it seems that way on paper. But I'm still a little afraid of a long distance relationship. Oh well, first things first... a second or possibly even a first date and then go from there.

Living with someone that wasn't born in this country has been an interesting experience. He's been in the states for over 11 years and has naturalized and owns a house and all that but there are still some odd differences. Nothing major and they are mostly just interesting more than anything. Meals are slightly different - ie runny scrambled eggs, and dinners that consist of sausages, sliced dark bread, and tomato wedges... and alcohol, lots of alcohol. I don't think a day has passed since I moved in where I didn't have at least one beer with him. But I have been VERY careful to not get drunk since ex's living together + being drunk = danger. But all in all, things have been really good and I like it here. My dog is thrilled, it's like she is a different dog entirely. The whining has completely stopped, the restlessness is gone, she is just happy and content. She mostly stays out of the way and follows one of us around or hangs out under the Norfolk pine in the dining room. She's actually pleasant to be around, it's great!

Yesterday was the 4th of July and I've probably already mentioned that but I have to get back to the original topic I planned for this blog so think of this as a clunky transition. My roommie was painting the upstairs bathroom when my date/ friend/ question mark from Denver showed up. We live like 3 blocks from a big park where there is a huge 4th of July festival and I had originally invited him to go with me before I knew I was going to have company. He seemed less than thrilled and said that he's gone past on his bike in years past and didn't really think it was something he was interested in. After my date/ friend/ question mark from Denver left I had plans to go to the next town over for a party at a colleagues house and he was invited. Again, he opted to stay home and work on the bathroom. I guess the independence day of a country you aren't native to, just isn't that big of a deal. I made sure we had what passed as a "traditional" 4th of July/ picnic/ bbq type meal the night before and he appreciated it. He didn't even have any interest in stepping outside to see the fireworks that were practically shaking the house but at the same time he didn't get upset when the drunk neighbors were up until past 1:00 in he morning shooting off fireworks and celebrating. It's sort of an odd easy going dichotomy that he has going on.

All in all, I'm a pretty happy camper. I just have to be careful to not get TOO happy. I realized the other day as we were both walking my dog that I actually had just about everything I ever wanted but in the wrong way. I live in an adorable house with a guy I get along with really well. I have a cute dog that loves her home. I have a good job and enjoy my coworkers. Given all of these things... I even like the town I'm living in... but it's not right. I'm a guest in this house, it's not my own or even partially my own and the guy that owns it is not mine either. My things are hidden away in a storage unit and I'm borrowing a make believe life that can't last. That cute gay couple walking the cute dog in the park is not a couple. My advice for myself so I don't forget: guard yourself and don't get too comfortable since this can't last. You are playing with fire so be careful.

Semi-Homeless

I've recently learned there is a huge difference between homeless, sort of homeless, and having your own place. Right now I fall in the middle or perhaps just slightly to the right of the middle. Would that be to the right? I dunno. At any rate, I am moved out of my old apartment aside from one recliner that just won't die. I can't get rid of the damn thing and I might have to do some shots with my new roommie and then actually schlep it home in the dark. He actually said he would do that with me. Good guy, eh? I spent my first night in my new home last night. I went to the grocery store after work and then went home to make dinner. I hadn't been able to cook for a few days since my kitchen was in boxes in a storage unit and I wanted to try out the new kitchen. He seemed appreciative that I cooked dinner. My crazy dog eventually calmed down and we settled in for the night. The first few nights with a new roommate are always a little awkward. At one point we both somehow ended up in the living room on the couch on our respective laptops doing essentially nothing. This wouldn't seem strange if you were alone... but with "company" it just seems odd. Eventually we'll both get more comfortable and figure out a routine. Maybe I'll dig up a movie for tonight.

I'm currently at work gulping down coffee. Sleeping on an air mattress for 3 nights and then having a displaced whiny doggy keep you up for a 4th tends to wear you down. My eyes are all red, my muscles are sore, and I'm a sleepy bunny. Spazzy McGee should calm down tonight, at least to the point that I'm able to get a little more restful sleep.

So, the question now is... what's next? I was told that the other people my room was originally promised to and were going to move in in August now no longer need it so I can stay indefinitely. That's good news since if I can stay there for a few months I can save up all sorts of money on rent. We haven't exactly nailed down what I'll be paying in rent but we did establish it won't be a lot since the house is half demolished and I've been helping him renovate since the day he moved in. So, maybe I'll find an amazing house or apartment to rent soon... maybe I'll stay there for a few months and then buy a house, maybe I'll just stay there and use the "temporary" excuse as a motivation to finally get out of this one horse town. I guess I'll just keep my eyes and ears open for new possibilities.

Ok, back to work. This coffee isn't going to drink itself. ;-)

Happy 4th of July!

Tu deviens responsable pour tourjours de ce que as apprivoise

You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.
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"Please--tame me!" he said.

"I want to, very much," the little prince replied. "But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."

"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me . . ."

"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince.
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I finished reading a friend's book last night. When I say a "friend's book" I don't mean a book I borrow from a friend but an actual novel written by a friend. It's his second. The first was pretty good, not great, not bad. This one was really good! Quite possibly one of the most enjoyable reads I've had in a while. It was a little surreal reading it though. I've known him for a little over a year and we write to each other fairly regularly. I like to think in a perfect world where time and distance didn't matter, we would be together. But we aren't. So reading his book was almost like spending time with him. I saw elements of myself in it, but I probably just read too much into the storyline. No matter what, it was a great book and I recommend it to anyone! A Flash of Hex - http://www.amazon.com/Flash-Hex-Jes-Battis/dp/0441017231/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_1

At the same time I was reading this book I was also writing an article for an anthology the same friend is publishing about queer grad students. I was flattered that he asked me to write something but I was at a total loss as to what I had to say on the subject. Sure, I am gay and sure I went to grad school... but for me there was very little overlap of the two. The two years that I was actually in the program were fairly pivotal years in my coming out process but it was sort of like he was asking me to do something but asking in a different language. It was a simple request, but not something I fully understood. So, yesterday I sat down I and vomited out 18 pages worth of "something." I have no idea what he was wanting or if that was what he wanted, but I sent it to him and I'm waiting for some comments and suggestions.

While writing the article I found myself reliving the relationships I had while in grad school and even though it was just a couple years ago... it feels like so much longer. There were several short meaningless relationships and one long meaningful relationship. I found myself describing my first sexual experience and what a let down it was and then my first "real" boyfriend and how being with him was everything I had ever hoped for and then how I was left crushed and cautious after. I say all of these things without judgment since it all worked out in the end and everything that happened should have happened. I have no real regrets.

But then I found myself comparing those events and my life in general to the lives of the characters in the book I was reading. I'm a huge narcissist so I'm convinced one of the characters is loosely based on me and a second character is vaguely inspired by the relationship I had with the author. Who knows if any of that is true... but in my head the connection was clear so I ran with it while reading. I fell in love with those characters. I'm not sure exactly what that says about me... narcissist much? I guess the point is that I've been trying to make something out of nothing. All the guys I've dated in the last few years have been all wrong and I've known it but I hoped I could make it work anyway. In the end I just want someone to tame me. I want someone to take the time to get to know me and for our lives to overlap. What's the point of being a rose if you're just one of thousands of nameless roses or being a fox if you are just some random fox passing in the distance?
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So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near--

"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."

"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you . . ."

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"Then it has done you no good at all!"

"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields." And then he added:

"Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret."

I’ve Got a Feeling

At the moment I’m sitting at my desk at work. It’s Friday morning but I was convinced it was Saturday when I woke up this morning and that’s never a fun thing to do. Since it’s summer and it’s Friday, not many people are here today. I considered taking the day off but decided it was best to keep as many vacation days banked up since they get paid out if you get fired and that would allow me some time to find a job. I don’t really think I’ll be fired but there have been so many people let go lately and that makes you feel pretty insecure. I’m sipping some horrible break room coffee and trying to strike the proper balance of moving around and staying still since pretty much my entire body hurts from yoga practice yesterday. It was a great work out and as gross as it sounds, I don’t think I’ve ever sweat so much in my entire life! But now… arms, legs, core… all kind of sore and getting worse as the day progresses. It’s a good kind of pain though. It’s the pain of growth and I like that.

So, what’s new with me – you might ask. I guess not much. I’m getting ready to start packing this weekend. I hope to get a lot taken care of. I’m a little nervous about moving since I am essentially homeless. I have a great friend I’m going to stay with for a month, but after that I have no plans. I’m sure I’ll find something but I would feel a lot better if I had some idea of where I’ll be living in August. In spite of all the cuts on campus the remaining employees all got raises. I hate to complain… but I would have gladly given up my raise if it meant getting to keep even one of the 45 people we lost. But I guess the world just doesn’t work that way so I’m making like $100 more a month which I guess means I can afford to rent a nicer place, provided somewhere decent that allows dogs opens up in the next month.

I spent two days this week in training seminars to be a consultant for the state to help make schools safer for all students. It had a specific focus on keeping LGBT students safe but the “ism” could easily be change for anyone. It was incredibly rewarding and it sort of sparked something in me. I think this is what I want to do. I want to help people. I am seriously considering going back to school to get a counseling degree. Unfortunately, the program works on a schedule and the next section doesn't start until the Fall of 2011. I might look into alternatives. It was just very nice to actually feel happy about something vaguely work related and to feel like that work might actually make a difference some day.

Not much to report in the love life department. For some reason all the skeletons in my closet tend to trot out and dance around every now and then. The nice Jewish guy I met two years ago keeps persisting in spite of the fact that I’ve inadvertently broken his heart twice already. He’s sweet but we just have no middle ground to stand on and I would like to be his friend but all he wants is a husband. *Whoa! Slow it down dude!* I’ve seen him twice in the last 3 weeks. The first time was nice. We were buddies, we had pizza and hiked around and it was just good. The second time he got pretty handsy in the car and basically ruined it for me. I’m not sure if I want to see him again under any circumstance. My Canadian author published his second novel about a month or two ago and I just got around to reading it. It’s strange to read a book and to have actually been present for many of the influences that made it into the book. I see aspects of myself in some of the characters, I see specific events I was party to mirrored in the story line, and there was an entire paragraph about sleeping and cuddling with someone that you couldn’t be with physically that was basically ripped out of our trip to San Francisco together. It’s bizarre but cool and it’s almost like spending time with him in a strange way. I laughed so hard at one point that I upset my dog, who had previously been sleeping at my feet. I “met” someone in a class relatively recently. The odd thing is that I’ve known him for 2-3 years but we’ve never really hung out. We've both sort of been aware of each other for quite some time and even have a few mutual friends. We chat before and after class and the chatter is starting to progress to what might be considered flirting. For some reason I have absolutely no idea how get from acquaintance to the next step or even what that next step should be. I don’t know a lot about him but there are no red flags, he’s nice, we clearly have at least one shared interest, and well… he’s here. These days “here” counts for a lot since it seems that’s where I’m at. I guess I’ll just not worry about it and let things unfold naturally. That’s probably always good advice for me.

I love the Black Eyed Peas. I have no idea if this song even has any sort of vague relevance to this post but I’m really digging the new cd and it seems I have started a theme of including some sort of song at the end of each blog.

Black Eyed Peas – I’ve Gotta Feeling

I Want What I Want When I Want It!

Except I don't know what I want... but I still want it...

So, in my last post I hinted at some job opportunities elsewhere. I can pretty much rule them out already. I doubt I even get an interview. Basically the job market sucks and if jobs even make it to the interview process without being canceled for lack of funds, then grossly over qualified people are in the hiring pool with you. Lame.

Work last week sucked. 45 people were laid off campus wide, including a friend at work. Many of the lay offs basically defied all logic and that causes everyone to wonder who is next and "is my job safe?" No, it's probably not... but there isn't much anyone can do if the firings are semi-arbitrary and you have nowhere to go in advance. It sort of turns going to work into a game of Russian roulette and that's pretty unsettling.

In other news... I've been helping a friend (the Czech) tile his bathroom. I'm moving in with him at the end of the month. I think it will work out nicely. After that... who knows. I don't have many options. I don't make enough to be able to afford a great apartment. I'm not getting a new job elsewhere. I don't have enough money saved to buy a house. I have a crazy dog. That eliminates all options other than finding a decent place that I hopefully don't hate and somehow convincing my new landlord that even though my dog is a frosted nut ball, she's not destructive or loud. That sucks. I hoped to move upward or outward or to somehow better my situation in any way. Instead... I get the same ol' thing in a different package. I just want something new. A house, a better paying job so I can eventually buy a house, a new setting, anything... but it seems I have to be content with slowly paying off old debts until I'm able to save more money each month and then eventually move up in the world. It's how this is normally done I guess... but I am tired of it. I just want some break that will let me better my situation. I'm so damn sick of just floating... I can't really even say that I'm "treading water" since that implies some action, I'm just floating. I hate to whine, I have a good job, I have great friends, and I have been making the most out of my time here by joining committees and volunteering and whatnot... but at a certain point you hope to see some sort of result for all your effort. I'm in the exact same situation I was in 2 years ago. Same job, no boyfriend, no real prospects, the same tired town, and I'll be homeless in August.

Damn! I didn't expect to whine so much in this post! I'll quit now. I'm employed and my job is safe for now. I'm not homeless yet and my friends won't let me be. I'll find a nice place. And if I am careful with my funds then I'll have money saved and some debts paid off by this time next year. It will all work out in the end!

Two songs I like today:

The Ting Tings - That's Not My Name
and
Three Doors Down - Let Me Be Myself

They are both about identity. I think I need to work on finding my own.

Fresh Blood

I feel like it's time. Time for what? Who knows... but some clock somewhere is about to run out and a new one is about to start. Without going into too many details... I'm not renewing my lease on my current apartment so I will be moving a the end of the month. The trouble is that once I start putting things into boxes I have no idea where I'm going to unpack those boxes. It could be a house in town. It could be an apartment in town. I could move in with the Czech for just a month. It's also very likely that I will be moving to "the city" in July. I'm sending off some job aps soon and I'm surprisingly qualified for all four of the jobs I'm applying for. Who knows what the future holds for me. I noticed today that I've been mentally preparing myself for a move though. Little things like telling strangers that I'm moving and throwing away under used condiments from my fridge so as to not have to pack them at some point. I'm kind of scared since I have no idea where I'm going and I think things are going to change dramatically and quickly for me.

I guess I'll see what happens.

I'm so tired of the same ol' crud.
Sweet baby, I need fresh blood.

Obsession of the night:
Fresh Blood by The Eels

Daylight

It's spring. The grass is finally green. There are flowers blooming and the lilacs are just about to burst forth in their moment of glory. The long weekend was rainy but that gave me time to work on cleaning out closets. I can now report that my closets are absolutely immaculate but the rest of my apartment looks like a landfill vomited on it. I've always found it sort of ironic that "cleaning" often involves making a bigger mess of things. I kind of feel like that analogy translates into every aspect of my life... but non-metaphorically... I did manage to throw away 6 bags of crap, consign 3 bags of cloths, and make an appointment to consign 2 boxes of books. And my room is the cleanest it's been since I moved in two years ago. I moved all the furniture and somehow I love my room more than I ever have. My lease is up in 5 weeks and my land lady apparently requires 30 days notice if I decide to move out or sign another year lease so that leaves me until the end of the week to decide what in the hell I want to do with myself. I'm sending four job applications to Denver this week and I actually stand a good chance of getting at at least an interview for at least two of them. I'm thinking I might actually get out of here. I know I've been saying that for *checks watch* at least 2 years now... but the time seems right now. I don't think I can handle the thought of signing another year long lease. My land lady is getting increasingly crazy and she plans on replacing the carpet soon. That would mean moving out and I refuse to move all my shit out for just a few days. If I'm moving this junk then I am going to make it worthwhile. Things are actually pretty good with the Czech since the unexpected breakup. I helped him move into his house this weekend and things felt... well... they felt the same. Nothing changed except now we have a sort of a hands off rule. That's a relief since I enjoyed his friendship. He's offered me his spare bedroom. I'm contemplating the idea.

Pros:
I could save money on rent.
I could leave any time if I get a new job or find a better place.
I sort of miss having a roommate.
We get along well.
He's great with my crazy ass dog.

Cons:
Potential weirdness if either one of us starts dating someone.
I've lived alone for over 2 years and he's lived alone for longer so that would take some adjustment.
I'm not sure I like the idea of renting from a friend.
I might have to put some of my junk into storage.

Anyway... I'll think about that. For the one billionth time... I've asked myself what I want and for the one billionth time I don't really know. I do know I'm ready for something new and that's more of a starting point than I've had in years. Things could start getting messy soon.

Well, it's my bed time. I need to get to work early so I can leave early for my yoga class.

Obsession of the night:
Daylight by Matt and Kim, enjoy!