Drunk Blogging

Well, today sucked and was wonderful all at once... and hopefully I don't delete this blog once I sober up. Today was the first day for my new "supervisor." He's a great guy and I kind of wish I could hate him but I don't. He understands the horribly awkward situation he's walking into and I think we will be buddies eventually. (Fuck, I must really be drunk... I just used the word "buddy.") I started showing him the ropes today. It's a little odd showing someone else how to do a job you should have. Oh well. The day was just so-so (all things considered) and I had my exhibit done and left at 5:00. The weather has sucked but hasn't actually been bad enough to close campus but has still been bad enough to make things miserable. On my way home I was driving along, the same as every day, and today I hit a patch of ice, slid, slid some more, and hit a big ass truck. Fuck. It didn't hurt the truck but crumpled my hood and did a number on the front end of my poor car. Turns out my deductible is $500. Fuck! (For the third time.) So that money I have been saving up for the last few months... spent. Lame, lame, lame!

I had plans to see the MS after work for a beer. Fuckin-A I needed that beer tonight! We met at the neighborhood watering hole for "a beer." Two hours later we had split a pitcher of strong microbrew, had opened up and had a great night, and still managed to be bit ol' prudes! No kiss, no letting the guard down. I got home (half a block away thankfully) and my land lady saw my crumpled, fucked up car in the parking lot and met me with a huge glass of red wine. (I love you for that!) We chatted, drank and I went downstairs to my place. There was a great email from the MS. I don't recall what it said and don't wanna look... so I sent an embarrassing drunken email back. We'll see where that goes. C'est la vie. Wow... even drunk I can say dumb ass things in languages I don't even speak. I need to loosen up!

Disappointment

So this so called "blizzard" pretty much sucked. North of here is still mostly shut down and my parents were without power for most of the day but we got like an inch or two of snow and now it's just cold and windy. Inconvenient more than anything. I was actually kind of looking forward to a big epic storm that shut down the town. I was stocked up on groceries, candles, batteries, all that junk just in case but in all honesty I just wanted a snow day so I could stay home in my jammies and sip coffee and watch daytime TV all day. Oh well.

In other disappointing news... I think I have to face some facts. I had the strangest break down last night. I was chatting with one of my best friends online and out of the clear blue I asked her if I really wanted to have kids. Sometimes your friends can be more honest with you than you can be with yourself. She simply said; "Yes you do." And then I started to cry. It was the oddest situation... I should back up at this point and mention that on my latest outing with the MS we talked about kids. He hates kids and admits to being too selfish and likes nice things too much to be able to ever want them. I lied to him (and myself) and said that I love kids but don't see any in my future. Which is partially true... I love kids but I have to face the fact that I might not ever have any of my own. But... I don't know if I can go into a relationship knowing it's not even an option. This made me sit down and face another painful fact. I'm not sure if I want to be with the MS or if I want to actually be the MS. It's not really the same thing. He has a lot of qualities that I love but he's missing a few that I need and ultimately he's the sort of person I want to be in ten years. It's all very complicated. I guess I need to just take this one step at a time but I think I already shed my one tear for this almost relationship. Friendship might be best. Once again, I need to figure out what the hell I want and go for it. No more waiting, no more hanging out in limbo, no more dependency on outside forces to magically point me in the right direction. One last thing I will say about the MS... He makes me want to be a better person. After seeing him I always go home and clean a room or a closet or finish a half forgotten project. I don't know what to do with that knowledge... but it's a good thing.

It's Raining Men...

... and when it rains it pours! Or I guess I should say when it snows it blizzards... If the weather reports are true, by this time tomorrow we could have 8-12 inches of snow on the ground. But... you aren't here to read about the weather. ;-)

Things with the Mysterious Stranger got even more mysterious and strange for a a couple of days with the introduction of the Even More Mysterious Stranger (EMMS). Sometime last week I got an email from a guy on one of the dating sites where I have a profile. The email was simple enough and said something like: "you seem like a nice guy, would you like to have coffee sometime?" I sensed a lot of loneliness in his email and profile and there were no red flags so I emailed back to say yes. It was just coffee, no big deal. The second I sent the email I instantly regretted it. Am I seeing the MS? Are we dating? Am I allowed to have coffee with strange men? Ok... relax... no big deal. So, I went to the designated coffee place at the designated time. He came in, he had a cute Czech accent, was better looking than his pictures indicated, and we had our coffee. He seemed like a nice guy, just shy as hell and conversation was exceptionally difficult. Toward the end of the coffee I resorted to babbling incoherently as he listened politely since my previous interrogation approach wasn't working. At one point in the conversation he mentioned that in the last four years he's only met one other gay man in town. I asked him who that was since I assumed I would probably know him. Yeah... I new him... the only other guy in town he knew was the Mysterious Stranger and he indicated that they had dated at one point in the not so distant past. Curious... I should mention that from the second I hit reply to his email I had an odd feeling that there was some sort of unseen force behind all this. The second I got home I emailed the MS to tell him I met his friend/acquaintance/ex. Eventually I figured out that they had sort of dated and the EMMS had moved way too quickly and was just way too introverted for the MS.

I had coffee with the MS today for the *counting* 5th time. I hate to complain about keeping things in the coffee arena since whatever we have seems to work. It was a great coffee and great conversation... But geeze... we've been out 7 times without so much as a lingering brush of a hand. I realized tonight that I'm the hold up, not him. I'm the one that has made it clear that I'm trapped in a job and a town that I don't like and that I plan on escaping the second I'm able. I've also made no attempt at romance other than a peck on the cheek. Who wants to start a relationship with an emotionally distant person who plans on leaving anyway? Even one who is as rocking awesome as me! ;-) So, the solution... figure out what the hell I want and go for it. What's the worst that will happen? He's not interested and we stay friends and I know where I stand?

I was chatting with the Canadian the other day. (Yes, we are still in contact and things are going really well for him.) I was complaining about not knowing what is going on with the MS and what the nature of our relationship was. I was ranting about not knowing if we were "dating" and he gave me the best definition of dating that I've ever heard. It's not knowing. Just that simple. "Not knowing" is the part of any relationship that is called dating. We are getting to know each other in simple short periods of time. Yup, thats dating... and it's good.

I'm stuck here, so it's time I started making myself happy. I need to start seeing opportunities rather problems. I know the parts of my life that I'm not happy with so now I need to just DO something about them. Make changes. Be happy.

Breathing = Good

Um, so in case it wasn't evident in the last blog... I was sort of freaking out about the MS. Luckily, that only lasted about a day or two and then I realized that I've only known him for three weeks. What did I expect? A proposal? Sheesh... so I didn't get a kiss on the first date, so what? I'm not even sure if it WAS a date and... sometimes I'm a little hard to read and standoffish. I doubt he knows what he wants yet and I know I don't know what I want! This guy is selective. That much was clear from his home. Every single item in it was hand picked and arranged. This guy doesn't waste his time on things he doesn't want around. If he didn't want to get to know me then he wouldn't continue to make plans to see me. Crisis over. Just breath. Dork...

It is beautiful outside and I'm sitting in a subterranean vault, blogging. Lame. I wanna go play in the park with my doggy! The first day of spring is coming up. This winter wasn't so bad. I realize it could still snow and it won't actually be spring here for a month or two but it just didn't seem all that bad.

Um, well... I guess that's all I have to say. Thanks for tuning in!

Confusion

Ok readers... I need opinions. Was this a date? Have I been on a date with the Mysterious Stranger at all? Are we buddies? Is he just taking things very slowly? Confusion abounds!

So to recap: I met MS months ago at a party. We spoke for maybe 4 minutes and I thought he was cute and interesting. Flash forward several months. A friend at work meets MS and thinks we would be great for each other and suggests I contact him. I write MS and we have coffee a few days later. We have coffee 5 times over the course of about 2-3 weeks and then he suggests that we try cocktails the next time. I was delighted since coffee is not really a date but cocktails... well that has some potential. A few days later I got a text, dinner at his place - a further upgrade except it was supposed to be a bit of a dinner party with the coworker that sort of introduced us. Long story short... she couldn't make it but he knew that in advance and suggested we watch a movie after dinner. Well... in the gay world "watch a movie" generally doesn't involve watching a movie but I didn't really expect that from him since he's a nice guy.

So, my question is: Was this a date? ->

I got there tonight right on time. I was dressed up but not in a way that looked like I was trying to be dressed up... just jeans and a button up shirt - something nice that I would wear more or less any time or anywhere. He wasn't really dressed up either but not dressed down, just nice but still comfortable. This shed no light on if this was a date or not. He had candles lit, lots of them all over the house but it looked like he did this reasonably regularly anyway. His house was amazing... so beautiful... His taste is impeccable. I would say it is the same as mine but it is sooooo much better. Some of the things in his house are things that I wouldn't have given a second thought if I saw them elsewhere but in his house they worked and were beautiful. He has this one room that is painted this orange color that is simply to die for... but to describe it... it sounds horrible. So, he seemed a little flustered and mentioned a few times that he had all these things planned out but his timing was all off for the evening. He made cocktails for us. I wasn't sure I like it to start with but it grew on me and I ended up loving it. It was very old fashioned, strong, and not too sweet. Hmm... is that the sort of guy I like too? So, we drank our drinks and chatted and he showed me his collection of dishes and his "fun stuff" folder. This was a folder of things he had clipped out of magazines that he liked - home furnishings, furniture, room set-ups, that sort of thing. It was incredibly nerdy but super cute at the same time. We got to chatting and he forgot he had some nibblies to set out. He set them out and made a second round of drinks and we chatted some more. Then he got out one of his prized possessions - this fine press book about some designers house. It was a beautiful book and the rooms and photos were so quark and over the top, it was hilarious without really even meaning to be. Then he served dinner - this great chicken and artichoke baked dish over rice in these beautiful dishes, followed by salad, followed by a brownie sunday thing. The food was great! Here is where the confusion comes in. His living room has a large couch with chairs on either end of it. I made it a point to sit on the couch so he could sit next to me if he wanted but he made it a point to always sit in one of the chairs. We watched the movie and he sat in his chair and I sat on the couch. No touching ever took place at any given point. The movie got over - it was this really strange British film that reminded me of this absurdist play I was in a few years ago. As soon as the movie was over things seemed to get awkward. I tried to force a little conversation before ultimately thanking him for a lovely night and going home. He walked me to the door, got my coat out for me, and gave me a hug. I'm honestly not sure who initiated the hug, him or me... I gave him a little peck on the neck as he was hugging me and then he pulled me in for a second hug. It was all very strange and confusing. I'm not sure if this was a date... if it was a date it might have been a first date since coffee doesn't count... but even then a kiss at the end of a first date is appropriate, right? I know I could have gone in for the kiss but he seemed to be drawing this invisible line all night. Maybe he's just big into personal space. Maybe he's just shy. Maybe he moves slowly. Maybe he's only interested in me as a friend. In spite of myself I find myself falling for this guy. He moves to the next town over in less than a month so we have to have some sort of a mildly established relationship before he leaves if this has any hope of working out. Tell me I'm just being neurotic. No, don't do that... Tell me what you think. Based on this description, does MS want a relationship from me or just friendship? Leave comments, send me an email, contact me somehow and tell me what to do!

Random quotation from tonight: "Orange is the color of hope, that's why I use it in my house so much." How could I not fall for someone that would incorporate hope into his home?!

Out of the Blue

Today was a pretty good day! There were a couple of announcements at work that were reasonably exciting. There will be a little bit of movement among the ranks that could potentially help me out. It's a long shot but at least it will shake things up at work a little and for the better for once. We also got a grant to start a new project that I was asked to help on. I like being asked to meetings. I'm weird like that.

Out of the blue I was also asked to rewrite a presentation I gave in New York last spring into an article to be included in an anthology about queer grad students. Pretty exciting news!

Then this afternoon, again out of the blue, the Mysterious Stranger (MS) sent me a text to see if I wanted to have coffee with him. We had coffee on Sunday also. This means we've seen each other five times in the last couple of weeks - 4 coffees, and one tour at work. I was a little concerned that all the coffees somehow meant he was only interested in my friendship. I can always use a new friend though, so that would be just fine even if that's all that works out. Sunday's coffee was completely spur of the moment, I was a mess, I had been out grocery shopping, he sent a text saying he was going to be at such-and-such coffee shop. I texted back, "is that an invitation?" and asked how long he would be there. At that exact moment I was waiting at Pizza Hut for a spur of the moment pizza purchase. The pizza got done, I took it home, stuffed it in the fridge, and had coffee instead. I was all buggered up from daylight savings time anyway and had been debating between coffee and lunch for a couple of hours but the fact that I put a perfectly good pizza in the fridge uneaten... well that should tell me something. We had a great chat and I felt my metaphorical walls starting to crack. He randomly asked me if I wanted to go to the shooting range with him and I heard myself explain that I had a lot of cleaning to do and that I should go home. I immediately regretted it. Going to the shooting range really isn't my thing, but it's not something I'm opposed to either. I shot guns when I was younger. I grew up on a cattle ranch for crying out loud. It might have been fun. Plus it was the first time he asked me to do something other than have coffee. I felt like an idiot for saying no. I could have spent the afternoon with him and instead I went home to scrub my toilet. Stupid! Back to today... Another text message saying he would be at such-and-such coffee place. I replied that I would love to and that I needed a break from work anyway. I showed up, he showed up like 30 seconds after me, we sat and chatted and I felt myself opening up, my walls started to crumble a little more. I needed to get back to work so we left and as we were in the parking lot he off handedly mentioned that he was starting his shift tomorrow and that I probably wouldn't hear from him for a few days. I knew he worked 11 hour shifts 4 days a week but it was kind of sweet of him to mention it. Later in the day he asked if we could try cocktails next week instead of coffee. An upgrade!!! YAY!

Who Am I To You?

I noticed recently that I’m not always the same person. When I meet someone new I somehow react differently in response to their personality. Dating really emphasizes this. I’ve seen the “Mysterious Stranger” 3 times in the last week or so. The first two coffee dates went pretty well, and then he came to the place I work for a tour yesterday. The coworker that sort of introduced us had set up the tour in advance and it was really her show but we all mutually agreed that I should tag along. Now I wish I hadn’t. Usually a tour of my workplace is a really cool thing for me to do for someone I am interested in dating but this time I felt like a third wheel. The conversation was weighed pretty heavily in favor of things the coworker and Mysterious Stranger had in common – places they had both lived, art museums they had both visited, and other things that I honestly couldn’t chime in on at all. It was actually really uncomfortable for me. The entire time I had this voice in the back of my head screaming at me telling me that I’m being dull and quiet and that I need to tap into that well of charm I keep inside but instead of doing that I felt myself retreating further back into myself. Things might not have been as bad as they seemed to me. He seemed to really enjoy the tour and was probably a little overwhelmed so he might not have noticed how quiet I was being but I imagine he did notice since he seems to notice everything.

On our second “coffee thing” the Mysterious Stranger asked me if I was introverted. I was a little offended that he would even suggest such a thing since I think of myself as a very social person. In the right company I’m very charming and fun. But then I realized that based on what little he knew of me I probably did seem very introverted. I work in a place where most people prefer the company of boxes of papers and conversations are kept short and to the point. Things are a lot better than they were in the past but there used to be entire days where I didn’t speak to a single person. I hated that. I like people. I like chatting. I like being social. But, it seems perfectly logical that the Mysterious Stranger would think of me as introverted. It takes me a while to open up to someone so until that happens I seem very shy and awkward. A lot of times this shy awkward stage takes place online through emails and chat programs so by the time I actually meet someone I am comfortable with them and I can be myself. But the Mysterious Stranger just sort of popped up out of the blue. It’s probably good for me to go through the process of meeting someone fresh like this. Actually, I’m sure it’s good for me since it terrifies me.

I have such an odd dichotomous personality. I will either step up and take total control or I will melt into the background and I rarely fall anywhere in the middle. For example… last night the associated student senate on campus was discussing a bill to offer domestic partner benefits on campus. I didn’t really find out about it until relatively last minute and we planned on sending a couple of students to speak on its behalf. But then literally 15 minutes before the senate met it was suggested that I take the entire GLBT student group I’m the advisor for to the senate. This meant organizing 20-30 students in a matter of minutes and it also meant that someone would have to speak on their behalf. That “someone” had to be me so I gathered my little flock, we migrated down the hall from our own meeting to the senate gallery, we perched in the back and then when they asked if there were any comments from the gallery I had to speak up and do my thing. I was secretly terrified. I’ve spoken in front of crowds much larger but I was always prepared for that. This time I didn’t feel prepared. I suppose I conveyed the information needed but it scared me. Even though it scared me I stepped up and did it but I know if there was someone else there to do it then I would have probably silently stood in the back and said nothing.

“Do one thing every day that scares you.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt