Wow, it’s been over two weeks since my last blog post. I just haven’t felt like blogging for some reason. I always have things to say; just sometimes I don’t feel like writing them down to anonymously post in a blog. (Even though I’m not sure how anonymous this is anyway.)
So, I guess to start – a follow up on the last blog. I wrote about how my dad outed me to my grandpa, which was fine since he had permission. But I guess the story didn't end there. To recap, my grandpa jokingly asked if I was gay and my dad very mater-of-factly said that yes I am gay. I guess they chatted a little while longer and my grandpa said something to the effect that he just doesn’t understand how that works. My dad just looked at him and said “you don’t have to understand, you just have to accept him.” I almost cried when my mom told me the rest of the story. I am really blessed to have such amazing parents. That was exactly the right thing for my dad to say.
Things at home are a little weird and confusing still. I feel very much at home there. Possibly more than I ever felt “at home” even after 2 years of living in my last apartment. With the (near) completion of the upstairs bathroom and the installation of new recessed lights, the house took on a very warm “housey” feel that I love. And I like not being alone and sharing meals with a friend.
My dog is behaving a lot better than she ever has before. She loves having more people around and we actually had a guest over on Sunday night and she wasn’t a total embarrassment! She treated him just like he was one of the regular inhabitants of the house. Daddy was very pleased.
As I said, the roommate situation continues to be a little weird and confusing. He might have proposed to me last night. I’m not sure. I know… you are either proposed to or not, there is no “not sure” but… well… I’m not sure. I’ll pick up on the possible proposal in a minute. First some more back story. Last week he asked me if I would be his “insignificant other” at a going away party bbq thingy for one of his colleagues. I was a little offended at the “insignificant” part but I certainly don’t want to be “significant” either and I also decided that bbq accompaniment fell squarely in the realm of “boyfriend duties.” But I also knew that he wouldn’t have asked if he didn’t want me there and I remember going to work related events alone and hating it so I was considering going. I would have known at least 2 other people there and going to functions and meeting people is probably good for me. My other option was a shopping trip I had been putting off for some time. I needed new jeans. All my pants had more or less simultaneously self destructed so I had like one or two pair left that didn’t have a huge rip in the ass or weren’t embarrassingly short or something like that. I explained this to my roommate on the day of the bbq and he was feeling a little passive aggressive since I wasn’t going with him so he said something about how my ass and bad pants were the least of my problems. Well, that settled it. I was not going anywhere with him if he was going to be crabby. I gathered my shit and drove an hour and a half south to the nearest Banana Republic to partake of 30% off jeans.
Have you ever done something you thought was completely out of character only to realize that you’ve actually done it before and therefore it was pretty normal for you? It’s sort of an unsettling feeling to learn something new about yourself that is slightly less than desirable. I might have sort of possibly been a party to a booty call while I was on my shopping trip. The confusing part is that I’m not sure if I made the call or answered it and somehow I wasn’t aware of what I was getting myself into until it was happening but it still wasn’t a surprise. I’ve known the guy for at least a couple years and somehow every time we have spent more than 5 minutes together we’ve eventually ended up naked and sweaty. It’s just not been so direct before. In the past he’s usually been passing through and needed a place to stay and then “stuff just happened.” This time there was no pretext, we both knew why we were there. I guess it wasn’t really a big deal, just sort of unexpected in an “I should have figured that out sooner” sort of way. It was nice to see him and I have no complaints.
So, I guess to recap… my roommate might or might not be hitting on me and seems to not know if he wants to date me or not and so he asked me to a bbq and instead I drove to a different state to bang another dude. That would seem really slutty except I am most certainly single and I have always been at least a little in love with the guy I went to see. The last time he was in town a friend saw us having dinner together and she asked who he was. I just said “he’s the one that got away.” Damn, he has pretty eyes… and now he’s running through my mind again. Why can’t I just have a normal relationship where both parties like each other and everything can work out? I’m tired of only be being liked by people that I can’t be with or liking people I can’t have. I think I’m going to write a book about my relationships and call it “Unrequited.”
So, back to the possible but not probable proposal. I got home last night a little before 8:00. I’m usually home much earlier but I’m taking a 6:30 yoga class. My roommate was standing in the kitchen looking unusually grumpy. It seems he almost got hit by a car biking home, was hungry, I was late, and it was probably my turn to make dinner. That would make me grumpy too. But I was unusually cheerful after my yoga class so I didn’t let it bother me. I took a quick shower and then offered to help him make dinner since he was working on a salad when I got out of the shower. I decided to make grilled pastrami and swiss on rye bread since the bread needed used up and was getting a tiny bit stale. There was a bit of a heel left after I made the sandwiches. My roommate asked me what we called that and he was pleased to find that it’s a heel in both English and Czech. Then I cut it in half put it on the plates with the sandwich and that’s where the weirdness came in. It seems he so strongly approved of the eating and/or sharing of the last bit of the bread that he said he almost wanted to propose to me. I played it off as a joke and asked; “over a heel of bread?” And he got kind of serious and said; “for a lot of reasons.” I just told him to eat his sandwich and ignored the entire situation. Later in the meal he announced that he found me a “husband” online and described the site the guy’s profile was on and what he looked like. One minute it’s near marriage proposals, the next he’s pimping me out to strangers. Boyz R dum.
So, after not sharing anything for weeks I’m probably over sharing in this. But I guess that’s just how I roll.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
Family... you have to love them
I went home this weekend to visit my family. I haven’t been home in almost 6 months. I didn’t realize it had been that long but my mom certainly knew. I had seen my family though, they came down here once, I saw my mom and dad midway once, and my brother came here to help me move… plus I talk to my mom about 3 times a week and my dad and brother once every week or two. Sometimes I wonder how I even came from there. I outgrew the town years ago but you aren’t really allowed to outgrow your own family.
I got home and there on the kitchen counter was a pistol. The clip for it was sitting next to it. And next to that was my brothers NRA membership card. I had seen this pistol before but it used to be kept locked up in a closet somewhere. I have no idea why it was just sitting on the kitchen counter with the bullets for it right next to it. The NRA scares the hell out of me. I’m not anti guns, but I’m not pro guns either, and I am anti NRA for sure. I knew this became an issue with my dad and brother in the last election. They both voted for McCain since they were convinced Obama would take their guns away. Yes, my family seems to be one of those families that stockpiles guns and grumbles that the government wants to take them away from them. Neat. But whatever… I guess that’s fine. I personally have no use for guns in my life… but that’s just me.
My family is pretty cool with my being gay, at least to the point that they don’t say anything derogatory. I think that’s just because they love me and accept me for who I am and that is pretty much awesome. I’m so incredibly thankful for that. But I also know that the word “choice” is probably floating in the backs of their minds and “disappointment” isn’t too far away. As if they really wish I would just stop this nonsense and get a girlfriend and start making babies so they can tell their friends and neighbors. I wish it was that simple, and I would love to give my mom grandkids… but it’s just not in the cards for me. Maybe someday I’ll adopt but only if I happen to marry someone that is completely loaded and well connected. I’m thrilled to have a family that loves me unconditionally but I feel like we live on different planets. Plus that’s the only way to describe the 4 ½ hour drive home, each way.
So it doesn’t sound like I’m just whining about my conservative family I’m going to preface this next story with the fact that I found it very funny, so do me a favor and laugh at the end. It seems my brother has a girlfriend. This was news to me, but we don’t really talk much. We get along just fine, we just don’t chat much for some reason. It seems my dad and grandpa were talking a couple days before I got home about my brother and his girlfriend and my grandpa asked my dad why I didn’t have a girlfriend and then asked (probably jokingly) if I was gay. My dad was just like “uh, yeah.” I have no idea how my grandpa reacted since my mom related this story to me just minutes before my grandparents got to our house for dinner. When they walked through the door I happened to be standing in front of the stove blanching peaches so I could take the skin off and peal them for dessert. I might as well have been wearing a big pink apron that said “Sissy Mary” on it when my grandpa walked in. He asked what I was doing, I told him, and he said “You’ll make someone a good wife some day” and that was it. That was his way of welcoming me out of the closet. So… that’s good, right? I had to laugh.
I didn’t really ever have any plan to tell my grandparents unless I got into a very serious relationship and wanted to share my partner with my extended family. And as much as I hate it… it seemed much more likely that my grandparents would laps into senility than I would meet a decent guy. I told my parents long ago that they can out me to anyone they want, just as long as they tell me after. This isn’t how it usually works, but I wanted them to have some sense of control over the situation and anyone they tell would be a relative that I only see a handful of times a year but they see almost weekly. And sometimes it’s easier for someone else to tell those people while I’m safely 4 ½ hours away.
The evening didn’t end there. We enjoyed a nice meal and at some point the topic of the environment came up. It turns out nobody in my family believes in global warming and described it as “propaganda cooked up by the liberals.” Neat. Much like Sara Palin, they believe in climate change but not that humans have any sort of impact on it. It’s just a natural thing that happens no matter what and the only reason you should save gas is so you can personally save money. Now, to be honest I’m not sure how big of a factor humans play in climate change or even how much the climate is changing… BUT I do believe we are polluting the hell out of the planet and that is having some very serious consequences on our quality of life. I also believe that our climate is changing and our actions are having some sort of affect on that. But what do I know? I’m just a (college educated) bleeding heart liberal nut job.
I didn’t realize that anyone actually thought these things… let alone MY OWN FAMILY! I’m constantly amazed that I came from that place. I love my family and always will… but DaaaMN!!!
Every time I go home I seem to have drifted further away. At this point the only unifying factor I have with my family is food. That’s why I tell people that being a vegetarian would be worse for me than being gay. At least I can still sit down for a meal with my family and eat the same food. I’m not sure if going home more often would make things better or worse. No matter what, I need to spend more time with my family while I can. Who knows what the future could hold for any of us.
I got home and there on the kitchen counter was a pistol. The clip for it was sitting next to it. And next to that was my brothers NRA membership card. I had seen this pistol before but it used to be kept locked up in a closet somewhere. I have no idea why it was just sitting on the kitchen counter with the bullets for it right next to it. The NRA scares the hell out of me. I’m not anti guns, but I’m not pro guns either, and I am anti NRA for sure. I knew this became an issue with my dad and brother in the last election. They both voted for McCain since they were convinced Obama would take their guns away. Yes, my family seems to be one of those families that stockpiles guns and grumbles that the government wants to take them away from them. Neat. But whatever… I guess that’s fine. I personally have no use for guns in my life… but that’s just me.
My family is pretty cool with my being gay, at least to the point that they don’t say anything derogatory. I think that’s just because they love me and accept me for who I am and that is pretty much awesome. I’m so incredibly thankful for that. But I also know that the word “choice” is probably floating in the backs of their minds and “disappointment” isn’t too far away. As if they really wish I would just stop this nonsense and get a girlfriend and start making babies so they can tell their friends and neighbors. I wish it was that simple, and I would love to give my mom grandkids… but it’s just not in the cards for me. Maybe someday I’ll adopt but only if I happen to marry someone that is completely loaded and well connected. I’m thrilled to have a family that loves me unconditionally but I feel like we live on different planets. Plus that’s the only way to describe the 4 ½ hour drive home, each way.
So it doesn’t sound like I’m just whining about my conservative family I’m going to preface this next story with the fact that I found it very funny, so do me a favor and laugh at the end. It seems my brother has a girlfriend. This was news to me, but we don’t really talk much. We get along just fine, we just don’t chat much for some reason. It seems my dad and grandpa were talking a couple days before I got home about my brother and his girlfriend and my grandpa asked my dad why I didn’t have a girlfriend and then asked (probably jokingly) if I was gay. My dad was just like “uh, yeah.” I have no idea how my grandpa reacted since my mom related this story to me just minutes before my grandparents got to our house for dinner. When they walked through the door I happened to be standing in front of the stove blanching peaches so I could take the skin off and peal them for dessert. I might as well have been wearing a big pink apron that said “Sissy Mary” on it when my grandpa walked in. He asked what I was doing, I told him, and he said “You’ll make someone a good wife some day” and that was it. That was his way of welcoming me out of the closet. So… that’s good, right? I had to laugh.
I didn’t really ever have any plan to tell my grandparents unless I got into a very serious relationship and wanted to share my partner with my extended family. And as much as I hate it… it seemed much more likely that my grandparents would laps into senility than I would meet a decent guy. I told my parents long ago that they can out me to anyone they want, just as long as they tell me after. This isn’t how it usually works, but I wanted them to have some sense of control over the situation and anyone they tell would be a relative that I only see a handful of times a year but they see almost weekly. And sometimes it’s easier for someone else to tell those people while I’m safely 4 ½ hours away.
The evening didn’t end there. We enjoyed a nice meal and at some point the topic of the environment came up. It turns out nobody in my family believes in global warming and described it as “propaganda cooked up by the liberals.” Neat. Much like Sara Palin, they believe in climate change but not that humans have any sort of impact on it. It’s just a natural thing that happens no matter what and the only reason you should save gas is so you can personally save money. Now, to be honest I’m not sure how big of a factor humans play in climate change or even how much the climate is changing… BUT I do believe we are polluting the hell out of the planet and that is having some very serious consequences on our quality of life. I also believe that our climate is changing and our actions are having some sort of affect on that. But what do I know? I’m just a (college educated) bleeding heart liberal nut job.
I didn’t realize that anyone actually thought these things… let alone MY OWN FAMILY! I’m constantly amazed that I came from that place. I love my family and always will… but DaaaMN!!!
Every time I go home I seem to have drifted further away. At this point the only unifying factor I have with my family is food. That’s why I tell people that being a vegetarian would be worse for me than being gay. At least I can still sit down for a meal with my family and eat the same food. I’m not sure if going home more often would make things better or worse. No matter what, I need to spend more time with my family while I can. Who knows what the future could hold for any of us.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Eep!
So, I was chatting with a coworker yesterday. We were talking about budget cuts and how fishy it was that 2 months ago the director hinted that another position would have to be cut but then nothing more has been mentioned since. We then talked about the recent firings and people quitting. The first person “fired” due to budget cuts has been more or less replaced, so we didn’t really save any money there. The second person was fired by the university and might not have been even funded by our institution… so I’m not sure that saved us any money. Then someone recently quit but they plan on replacing her. So… if my math is right… we’ve lost maybe one position and will temporarily lose a second but we needed to cut at least two. This left us speculating about who would be next. The university promised that no faculty would be cut – this leaves staff. We’ve already lost the majority of our staff so this leaves a secretary (that’s been here forever and also does all of our publications and is the director's assistant), our accountant (who will have to basically do 3 jobs since the rest of her office is gone), a woman that’s been working here for 20+ years and makes up virtually an entire department, and me. Well… it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out which of those four people would be cut first. Me. I guess the only saving grace is the fact that all the other cuts have been arbitrary and the people cut were actually needed so that might save my job. I’m probably just freaking myself out for no reason but I hate to be caught with my guard down. I do want to eventually leave, but not because I was fired!
I guess I’ll just try to keep my options open and figure things out as they come along. I’m about to apply for a part time job at an art museum. I couldn’t live off a part time salary but it would be a pretty sweet job and a foot in the door.
I guess I don’t have much else to report. I should hear back on my job ap to the art school in a week.
Things at home are good. The upstairs bathroom is nearly finished. An electrician is installing some lights today. I spent several hours removing ¾ of the wallpaper from my bedroom ceiling on Sunday until I couldn’t possibly hold my arms above my head any longer. We’re still having fun and I still enjoy having a roommate.
If things don’t work out and I end up staying another 6 months or even a year, I guess that would be ok. I’m getting my credit cards paid down and saving some money again. Plus other than being bored to tears at work, and the fact that I’m convinced I will never meet a guy here… I’m reasonably happy.
I guess I’ll just try to keep my options open and figure things out as they come along. I’m about to apply for a part time job at an art museum. I couldn’t live off a part time salary but it would be a pretty sweet job and a foot in the door.
I guess I don’t have much else to report. I should hear back on my job ap to the art school in a week.
Things at home are good. The upstairs bathroom is nearly finished. An electrician is installing some lights today. I spent several hours removing ¾ of the wallpaper from my bedroom ceiling on Sunday until I couldn’t possibly hold my arms above my head any longer. We’re still having fun and I still enjoy having a roommate.
If things don’t work out and I end up staying another 6 months or even a year, I guess that would be ok. I’m getting my credit cards paid down and saving some money again. Plus other than being bored to tears at work, and the fact that I’m convinced I will never meet a guy here… I’m reasonably happy.
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