Bursting with Change, Then Not...

So... my Utah man has come and gone. I can't believe someone actually drove over six hours on snowy, icy roads just to see me. He got here around 1:00 in the morning Thursday night/ Friday morning and it was just like he was getting home. Not weird, not awkward, just good. It should have been awkward since it was the middle of the night and we went to bed like an hour later, but it wasn't. I think I kissed him less than 10 minutes after he got in the door. That's pretty unlike me. Well, maybe not... chemistry is instant and 100% or not at all with me. We spent a great weekend together not really doing anything at all. It was wonderful. I'm still kind of reeling and trying to figure it all out. For a fraction of a second I allowed myself to think "wow, this could really be the one..." and that really should have scared me but it didn't and then THAT did scare me. ;-) I'm dumb. I was so excited that the first thing I did on Monday morning was find and apply for a job where he lives. I was playing it off as no big deal (and it is a perfect job for me) but inside I was kind of getting excited about the prospect of leaving and possibly having a real relationship with someone that seems great. I had it all planned out... I was going to get the job, I was going to move, it was all going to somehow work out in spite of the fact that I don't have enough money to be able to survive a move. I was going to get there and take one credit of something to keep my degree open and then my last class was supposed to be an online class over the summer and then I was going to be done with my degree and not have to suffer through one more winter in Siberia alone and cold. It was an exciting (if a little irrational) prospect.

Then yesterday happened. It seemed like wonderful news... and it was. I got to work late after sort of accidentally over sleeping. I got to my office without anyone really noticing that I was late and a few minutes later I got an email. The email said something about how another student requested the class I need to graduate and that they were going to offer it to her as a readings course and that I could take it too if I wanted. I was momentarily pissed that I was an afterthought after two years of bitching and begging to take this class. But then I realized... HOT DAMN, I'm going to be done a semester sooner than I expected! I was all excited and it seemed to work out perfectly since it's a readings class... that meant one reading each week for 15 weeks and a review. Heck, I can do that ANYWHERE! Yay! The universe allowed me roughly 24 hours of bliss... thinking I was going to graduate early and get away and live happily every after and SOON! Then the other shoe dropped. There is a discussion aspect to the class. A weekly, mandatory discussion... and it's on Friday morning... every Friday morning from January through April. That kills any and all chance of leaving this dump any time soon. It also kills any chance of spending any significant amount of time with the Utah guy since his days off are Friday and Saturday.

I feel sort of stupid now... falling in love in one weekend... making plans to move for a guy... actually applying for a job that is perfect and would start in around the start of the new year. It was exciting and fresh and unexpected and made me happy. And now... it's all gone. I feel like I should be happy and I will be happy since I'm getting exactly what I've wanted for almost two years. I get to take my last class and graduate and that's wonderful! I guess it just sucks to give up a better dream... one that I usually don't let myself indulge in.

To let loose,
To let free,
To breath in,
To breath out,
Peace out.

Check out that smile!

Someone had never been given flowers... now he has! Check out that smile! So worth it!

13 Year Old Girl

Yes, it's true. I have turned into a 13 year old girl. I have been observed talking on the phone for hours on end and saying things like "no, you're sweet." It's disgusting and kind of makes me want to puke but I love it at the same time. It is a little concerning... I don't act like this. I hate talking on the phone. I hate texting. I hate driving. I don't even drive to the next town to spend time with friends I've known for years, let alone visit some dude 6 hours away. I swore I would never be in another long distance relationship ever again. But here I am... deep into "like-like" with a guy that I've yet to actually meet in person. There is just something about him. It's stupid... but he knows to not use "alot" ever, even in text messages, he knows all the lyrics to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song, he doesn't do drugs, he has a culinary degree and a black belt in kung fu - and all those things are somehow really important to me and I have no idea why. Fuck, I'm even making a mix tape for him. How gross is that? But seriously... I love it. Just 6 days, 16 hours until he's here... +/- an hour. Not that I'm counting down or anything.

Whoa...

Halloween has come and gone once again. We had a really great party at my house with lots of fun guests, many in fun costumes. I was a scary trucker. A little too scary actually. ;-) My roommate was in drag again. This time much nicer than the year before. It was fun! The party was Friday night, which meant I was pretty worthless Saturday and ended up just staying in to wath movies and take a hot bath. I kind of wish I had gone to Rocky Horror Picture Show but oh well... another year.

My boy in Utah continues to confuse me. But he confuses me because I like him so much. I'm not sure I've ever had this intense of feelings so quickly for someone that I haven't even met in person yet. We've been talking on the phone a lot and texting pretty much constantly. He's my last thought at night and my first in the morning. And... I feel like that's something that would gross me out and scare me in the past. He's coming to visit me in 11 days. Not that I'm counting down or anything... And that's something that I feel like I wouldn't let anyone do in the past. This dude has me all messed up, but in the most wonderful sort of way. What the hell? I don't get crushes on people that live 7 hours away that I haven't met. I don't like talking on the phone. I don't like sending umpteen thousand texts a day that say cheese ball things like "xoxo" or "thinking of you." This is not me! I don't get it. Oh, and for the record... whatever concerns I had in my last blog are mostly gone. It's so hard to tell if someone is a psycho or if they are just really into you. One is scary, the other is sweet. Hell... they are both scary but one is in a good way. I have a feeling that my life is about to get very complicated.