Dreams

For about a month at least 3-4 times a week I have a dream that someone is coming to bed. I'll actually wake up in the middle of the night because someone that belongs in my bed has finally gotten home and is crawling in with me. I'll even move over to make room for him and yesterday night I actually sat up in bed, said out loud "you finally made it home" and reached my hand out... to nobody. I have no idea who I think it is but it's obviously someone I want to be there and belongs with me. I'm not sure if my subconscious is processing my recent "near relationship" or if I'm being prepared for something in the future. In the dreams I'm so comfortable with this person that I don't even question who he is but at the same time I'm in the same room, in the same bed, and the only thing that has changed is that I share that room and bed. It has the feel of a memory but one that hasn't happened yet if that makes any sense. Ok, enough weirdness... Dreams are just dreams but it's so odd that I would continue having different versions of the same dream and wake up expecting to see someone so often.

I'm a lot less stressed today than I have been most of the week. I'm not sure if my "give-a-shiter" just quit working or if my stress level has actually decreased. Either way, I'm not as freaked out. I'm looking forward to the weekend. I have a dinner party to attend on Friday (at the home of my most recent "near relationship") then I'm seeing and old friend on Saturday and interviewing a potential new pastor on Sunday. Should be a good weekend! Just a day and a half to go...

To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.

As if I'm becoming untouchable...

"My Skin"
Natalie Merchant

Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here
That I don't understand

Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
I don't need them

I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable

Contempt loves the silence
It thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils
That strangle the heart

They say that promises
Sweeten the blow
But I don't need them
No, I don't need them

I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable

I'm a slow dying flower
Frost killing hour
The sweet turning sour
And untouchable

O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this

I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
Angel sweet
Love of my life
O, I need this

Do you remember the way
That you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness
I loved and adored?

Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
No, I don't need them

O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this

I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
The angel sweet
Love of my life
I need this

Is it dark enough?
Can you see me?
Do you want me?
Can you reach me?
Or I'm leaving

You better shut your mouth
Hold your breath
Kiss me now you'll catch my death
O, I mean it

Teach Me To Under-think

I've had a lot going on lately. I'm not sure how to digest any of it or even if I can or should. One thing is certain though... I am my own worst enemy and over think EVERYTHING. Seriously... "Oh, he hung back to walk with me instead of his other friends... what does that mean?" Fuck. Seriously... I would say I need my head examined except I seem to be the token non-psychology phd student when I go out lately and I can say with some certainty that my head is just fine. So... a recap of my week/end.

Work sucked this week. Everyone was pissy and irrational and demanding. I have an exhibit due by the end of the month but I'm getting no feedback and nobody remembers to do anything unless it was something I mentioned in passing weeks ago and changed my mind and gave very specific instructions that should have trumped the random thought weeks ago. My boss (who I actually really like) has been making a lot of seemingly irrational decisions lately that boil down to a lot more work. A coworker (who I also really like) has been making irrational demands. I'm in the middle of like 800 projects and if one more person asks me to drop everything and work on something for them, my head will actually explode. *pop!!* I'm almost never worried about my job or stressed... I hope this doesn't last long.

Friday night I went out with my new gal palls and had a Bloody Mary. It was delicious and just what I needed. I only saw "the guy" very briefly and then he invited me out to hang out with him later in the night. I declined and stayed home alone and watched The Princess and the Frog. I feel like I made the right decision. ;-)

I saw "him" the next day for a pre-game party at his house that was also a birthday party for his roommate. I ate a fried Twinkie, I drank too much beer, too quickly and then drunk dialed my mom at like 6:00 in the evening. Classy... They all went to the game and I parted ways to go to another birthday party complete with an Indian feast. I love Indian food. Seriously... so good. Around 11:00 I sobered up and walked my ass home. All 22 blocks home. It was a beautiful night though, so it was nice.

Sunday... I got up and went to church. I was the worship assistant today, which is still weird to me but nice. After church I went grocery shopping and then had some lunch. I had big plans to get a lot of work done but didn't at any point. I went for a long walk with a friend and the dogs. It was beautiful out this weekend. August beautiful. By now we've usually had a hard freeze if not a snow storm and everything is dead and it's practically winter. I'm glad I enjoyed the warmth today. I still haven't done any homework... but nothing is due until Tuesday and that's like days away right? ;-)

Ok... so... reading this... I notice a theme. "the guy" Fuck that. I was happy and content with my life. I even decided that I didn't want him at some point and now I'm reading novels into his slightest inconsequential actions.

Here are my plans for myself and just for me: I'm going to yoga because it makes me happy. I'm saving money for a potential trip to West Hollywood/ Spain in May. I'm enjoying the company of my friends but not stressing about it. I'm going to create a beautiful exhibit at work. I'm going to continue kicking ass in my class. I'm going to take one other class and finish my thesis next semester. I should know if I can take my last class this summer very soon. I could be done by June. That is awesome. Then what? Who knows. Whatever I want. :-)

The Bitch is Back!

I'm not sure why I used that title. I just thought it was fun. I'm not really a bitch and I didn't really go anywhere. Maybe I was starting to slip away. Why do I give myself away so easily? It's insane... 5 or 6 weeks of hanging out with a guy I like and I'm already starting to alter my decision process to suit his imagined needs and wants at some unspecified future point. But, at least I realized it and stopped. Well... I guess to be fair... he realized it and stopped it. I would still be an emotional 13 year old girl longing away for an imagined relationship while a real one slips by if it weren't for him. That's not to say that he's out of the picture. We are still hanging out very often. It's just the pressure has been removed by taking "dating" off the table for the time being. I enjoy his company, he enjoys mine, and we are getting to know each other. I'm happy with that.

I had a busy weekend! Friday night I drank too much wine again. But I enjoyed the company. Saturday morning I felt like crap but had to get up and go to a funeral. A prof I met a couple of times but didn't really know all that well died in a car accident. It was a catholic funeral so it was a little bit painful and not just because of the hang over. After that I sort of slugged around the house... I don't really remember what I did actually. I watched half of a football game and pretended to study and then went home for a bbq with my roommate and his friends. After that I made myself scarce since they were having a "think tank" in the living room. As far as I can tell it's an intellectual circle jerk where they think deep thoughts and feel good about how brilliant they are. From what I overheard it was mostly about masturbation, farting, and drinking. All I wanted was to go to sleep but couldn't since my room is next to the living room and they were being pretty loud until at least 2:00. Sunday I got my butt out of bed after not nearly enough sleep and went to church. I love my pastor, btw. He gave a great sermon about the similarities between all religions. After that I had a couple of meetings then a GLSEN planning meeting. About 20 people showed up! I was a little overwhelmed. A lot were just there to support me, but that's wonderful. I felt really thankful when 1/3 of the people in the room said they were there for me. I have amazing friends. I'm so excited about starting a GLSEN chapter!!! After that I went home for a nap and failed. The dogs were being insane and a certain Czech seemed to be running laps around the house with a plastic bag. (Or at least that's what it sounded like.) I eventually gave up and went to a yoga class. My arms hurt! It was good to get some exercise. I need to keep going. Then I finally got to bed early!

Today is Monday. I don't have much going on today. Just trying to get my exhibit finished and put up, which is proving to be a lot like herding cats... sheesh...

Peace out y'all! ;-)

Ya Know What... I'm OK

Why does a new relationship or a failed relationship make you feel like an emotional 13 year old girl? Seriously? I was perfectly fine being single two months ago. I actually thought I made peace with that aspect of my life and had actually stopped actively looking. True story: Sometime last spring I sat down and made this mental check list of qualities a guy would have to have in order for me to want to date him. It included the basics like sense of humor, intelligence, and a list of specific physical traits since let's be honest... we are all attracted to certain things and not attracted to other things. That list also included a physical location - "within walking distance of my house." The first list eliminated like 97% of the human population and that last one eliminated roughly 99.9999999% of all people. But that was my list and I was going to stick to it. In a way it was me closing that book and saying "you know what, it's ok to be single and just work on yourself for a while." And I did. In just a few months I went back to grad school, started a program in historic preservation that I love, made new friends, started socializing again, and got passionate about starting a GLSEN chapter. And then out of the blue someone that actually met all of my requirements showed up. That wasn't supposed to happen. I think my mistake was when I started over thinking the situation. Instead of thinking "hey, what a fun new friend!!" I thought "hey, you will be my next boyfriend." That's a little creepy. So... after about 5 or 6 weeks of "seeing" each other and not being sure if we were going on dates or hanging out or what, I have been decisively placed in the "friend zone." And that's ok. That actually keeps my crazies in check and I can go back to working on myself and being selfish and making choices just for myself. Who knows what the future holds.

So, I guess it's reassuring that there are actually guys out there that can meet my insane standards. I kind of feel like I should be a little angry that I was proven wrong and that I might not have to become a cranky old spinster with a collection of house cats that will eventually eat me in my sleep. It's a little tragic that the first guy to meet those standards is unavailable... but nothing lasts forever and if there is one, there is bound to eventually be a second.

So... back to me. I'm doing just fine. Classes are going well. My life is good and not in any way less full than it was a week ago. The best thing I can do is to live my life well.

To let loose,
To let free,
To breath in,
To breath out,
Peace out.

Wrong Way

In the last blog I wondered about the transition from "seeing" to "dating" and failed to take into account "hanging out." I suppose if you were to chart that it would look something like this:
Hanging out -----> Seeing ------> Dating ------> Relationship
I thought we were floating somewhere in the middle, and somehow we got tossed back to "hanging out." Sometimes being open isn't a good thing since once you say the words they exist and have influence.

Sorry to be mysterious... I'm trying to do the opposite, if I don't use the words then it might not be true. Nothing bad really happened, I'm no worse off, I haven't lost anything. I'm probably just being impatient. It doesn't help that I'm getting wildly varying mixed signals.

To let loose,
To let free,
To breath in,
To breath out.

Peace out.