Sometimes your knight in shining armor turns out to be a psycho in a tinfoil hat.
More on that later...
Work has been good this week. I have a cool new collection to work on and I'm enjoying writing the finding aid. Plus it's not every day I have something in my office worth more than the house I'm living in. That's a bit scary actually. Oh and I'm getting a new "office." I guess it's nice that I'm being offered a new work space but it's really just the cubicle next to the one I already have. It's slightly bigger and has a window. Whoo hoo... moving up in the world. But I'm only getting it because the two other people in my department are being given real offices with doors and real furniture that isn't bolted down and everything. I suppose I should just be thankful.
My class is kind of kicking my butt lately. I missed one day last week when we had a quiz. I took the quiz today. Have I mentioned how much I hate quizzes? Because I do. A lot. I have an assignment due tonight that should take about an hour to complete if I just sit down and do it. I just hate doing homework after being at work all day.
Tonight I'm going to a lecture with the most recent local crush. I haven't heard from him in a week since I decided I was no longer going to contact him until he figures out what in the hell he wants from me. I guess it worked since he basically invited me to something he knew I was already going to. Oh well. I'm hardly in a place to turn down a friend since there are like 9 people in this entire town that I can stand going out into public with.
So, I met some random dude online a week or so ago. He lives several hours away. We wrote back and forth for a while, graduated to IMing, then started talking on the phone -nightly. I have to admit that I have a bit of a crush on him. It's just so stupid since he lives like 7 hours away. I don't drive to the next town over to go on a date, let alone schlep my ass to the next state. Also, the age of the text message sucks. It is impossible to convey any level of sarcasm or humor in just a few words. Hence... he is kind of coming across as a needy crazy person at the moment and I'm probably coming across as a cold jerk. Ultimately I guess it doesn't matter. I'm pretty much booked until spring with homework, field trips, church things, family things, and other stuff. I am a little surprised about how much I'm into this dude though and still evaluating if he's a knight or a psycho or something between. Oh well.
To let loose.
To let free.
To breath in.
To breath out.
Peace out.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Mysteries
Mystery #1: Solved
I went to visit my friend in the hospital last night since I was told that visiting hours were in the "evening." I showed up right at 5:00 and a nice hospital employee walked me up to the 3rd floor and pointed out the creepy intercom system that I had to use to ask to be let in. I asked for my friend and was told there wasn't a patient there by that day... I tried every version of his name and then slowly spelled his last name emphasizing various letters, as if I were trying to guess a secret magic word that would open the door. No luck. I turned and walked away feeling rejected by an intercom speaker. I decided to ask the front desk if maybe he was moved to a regular room. No luck. He was just gone. A few phone calls later and I found out he was transferred out hours before. I have no idea how long he'll be gone or when he'll be back, if ever. I'm a little upset that I didn't get to see him. It's not like I'm seeking credit for spending hours in a cold smelly waiting room just to see if he would survive but I think it's important for him to know that people were there for him. I guess the next part of his journey has to be taken alone.
Mystery #2: Solved
I was at work yesterday and got to do a little detective work. Some glass plate negatives of some fairly important Native American leaders from the late 1800's were "missing." I eventually found them. It's a little crazy that something so important could get "lost" but when you have literally countless items in a building that are all one of a kind... it happens sometimes. It makes me happy to do something like that. Research that leads directly to an end result is rare in my line of work. Today I'm going to work on reuniting the two halves of the collection in whatever way I'm able.
Mystery #3: Unsolved
This isn't so much a mystery as a two part musing. Part one: boys are stupid. Part two: why are all the best ones elsewhere? Well... that second part is easy, I live in the middle of nowhere and there are like 9 gay guys my own age that live within 50 miles and most of those I don't want. Strike that, I don't want any of them. I haven't specifically contacted my most recent crush since last week (when he preemptively broke up with me for the second time). He's made no attempt to contact me either. Well... that's not true... he did send me a text earlier in the week to see if I was ok. I guess that was sweet of him. Fuck, I forgot that and remembering makes it harder to be mad at him. Oh well. Doesn't matter. He doesn't want me and as much as that stings I have to just move on with my life and not care. In spite of all the emotional turmoil I've been dealing with this week I've somehow managed to meet three guys and I have a date with one of them coming up. Unfortunately... only one lives here. I've known of him through mutual friends for years but kind of forgot about him. I don't think we will be be especially compatible for dating but we'll have our little coffee date and see what happens. The second lives in the next town over, he's a little too young, and smokes but seems like a good guy. The third I have a pretty big crush on. He is exactly my age, meets all but one of my insane requirements (location), has silvering hair (which apparently I find sexy), thinks alliteration is funny (which I also find sexy), and has a slight Australian accent (which I find REALLY sexy). Too bad he lives over six hours away. We spoke on the phone last night for quite a while.
Mystery #4: Unsolved
My roommate seems to have taken a short break from his whoring road trip. He drove a couple of hours to see Random Guy #4 on Monday night - the same night I really needed to NOT be alone since I had spent the entire evening in a waiting room wondering if my friend would live or die. He gave me a big hug and listened to me when he got home (past midnight) which was great. That's twice in one week that he's come home to find me sobbing and consoled me. That counts for a lot I guess. He was supposed to go on a 7 hour road trip to see some dude this weekend but canceled that when my life went crazy. That worked out since I actually have a field trip on Saturday and the dogs would have been alone for like 10 hours otherwise.
Mystery #5: Solved
I'm going to main campus to eat a donut. :-P
I went to visit my friend in the hospital last night since I was told that visiting hours were in the "evening." I showed up right at 5:00 and a nice hospital employee walked me up to the 3rd floor and pointed out the creepy intercom system that I had to use to ask to be let in. I asked for my friend and was told there wasn't a patient there by that day... I tried every version of his name and then slowly spelled his last name emphasizing various letters, as if I were trying to guess a secret magic word that would open the door. No luck. I turned and walked away feeling rejected by an intercom speaker. I decided to ask the front desk if maybe he was moved to a regular room. No luck. He was just gone. A few phone calls later and I found out he was transferred out hours before. I have no idea how long he'll be gone or when he'll be back, if ever. I'm a little upset that I didn't get to see him. It's not like I'm seeking credit for spending hours in a cold smelly waiting room just to see if he would survive but I think it's important for him to know that people were there for him. I guess the next part of his journey has to be taken alone.
Mystery #2: Solved
I was at work yesterday and got to do a little detective work. Some glass plate negatives of some fairly important Native American leaders from the late 1800's were "missing." I eventually found them. It's a little crazy that something so important could get "lost" but when you have literally countless items in a building that are all one of a kind... it happens sometimes. It makes me happy to do something like that. Research that leads directly to an end result is rare in my line of work. Today I'm going to work on reuniting the two halves of the collection in whatever way I'm able.
Mystery #3: Unsolved
This isn't so much a mystery as a two part musing. Part one: boys are stupid. Part two: why are all the best ones elsewhere? Well... that second part is easy, I live in the middle of nowhere and there are like 9 gay guys my own age that live within 50 miles and most of those I don't want. Strike that, I don't want any of them. I haven't specifically contacted my most recent crush since last week (when he preemptively broke up with me for the second time). He's made no attempt to contact me either. Well... that's not true... he did send me a text earlier in the week to see if I was ok. I guess that was sweet of him. Fuck, I forgot that and remembering makes it harder to be mad at him. Oh well. Doesn't matter. He doesn't want me and as much as that stings I have to just move on with my life and not care. In spite of all the emotional turmoil I've been dealing with this week I've somehow managed to meet three guys and I have a date with one of them coming up. Unfortunately... only one lives here. I've known of him through mutual friends for years but kind of forgot about him. I don't think we will be be especially compatible for dating but we'll have our little coffee date and see what happens. The second lives in the next town over, he's a little too young, and smokes but seems like a good guy. The third I have a pretty big crush on. He is exactly my age, meets all but one of my insane requirements (location), has silvering hair (which apparently I find sexy), thinks alliteration is funny (which I also find sexy), and has a slight Australian accent (which I find REALLY sexy). Too bad he lives over six hours away. We spoke on the phone last night for quite a while.
Mystery #4: Unsolved
My roommate seems to have taken a short break from his whoring road trip. He drove a couple of hours to see Random Guy #4 on Monday night - the same night I really needed to NOT be alone since I had spent the entire evening in a waiting room wondering if my friend would live or die. He gave me a big hug and listened to me when he got home (past midnight) which was great. That's twice in one week that he's come home to find me sobbing and consoled me. That counts for a lot I guess. He was supposed to go on a 7 hour road trip to see some dude this weekend but canceled that when my life went crazy. That worked out since I actually have a field trip on Saturday and the dogs would have been alone for like 10 hours otherwise.
Mystery #5: Solved
I'm going to main campus to eat a donut. :-P
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Sighs Too Deep For Words
Wow, it's been a crazy few days. First of all... it sucks when something truly horrible happens and puts the normal BS into perspective. Long story short: a friend tried to kill himself and I spent about 36 hours not knowing if he would live or die. He lived, thank GOD! I'm not sure I want to say anything more than that.
It was amazing to see the outpouring of support offered by my friends and family. I am truly blessed with some wonderful people in my life.
It seems like I had a lot more to say in this blog but now I don't know what. I guess I'm just grateful for everything. I complain a lot and I'm pretty discontent in my current position but it could be SOOO much worse.
To let loose
To let free
To breath in
To breath out
Peace out
It was amazing to see the outpouring of support offered by my friends and family. I am truly blessed with some wonderful people in my life.
It seems like I had a lot more to say in this blog but now I don't know what. I guess I'm just grateful for everything. I complain a lot and I'm pretty discontent in my current position but it could be SOOO much worse.
To let loose
To let free
To breath in
To breath out
Peace out
Monday, October 18, 2010
Survived the Weekend of Horror
So I already complained about being preemptively dumped by the same guy twice. A few notes on that: I think the phone call on Friday came out of his feeling guilty about seeing other people and he wouldn't feel guilty if he didn't like and care about me. I did expect him to date. But I'm still confused about what he wants from me. I backed off SIGNIFICANTLY after the first time he broke up with me. We agreed to still hang out and be friends, which I thought we had. Bottom line, boys are fucking stupid.
I woke up Saturday morning with red puffy eyes, a slight hang over, pissed about wasting my tears on someone that no longer deserves them, and I had a song stuck in my head... "if you need water, I'll be your river..." I had the entire song stuck in my head but I couldn't place it. Where had I heard this song and how do I know it. Turns out it was by Cyndi Lauper. I heard it on a cd I recently bought but didn't realize I was even paying attention to that song. It's beautiful and I love Cyndi Lauper for it.
You like the flame and you are drawn by desire
Watching and waiting in line for your turn
I've learned to walk with my back to the fire
I like the heat but I don't want to get burned
And if you need water
I'll Be A River
Like a wave I will come over you
You need someone to fall into
I'll Be A River
And my love will carry you through
Here stands a fortress built with great walls of silence
Ready to crumble at the slightest word
Finding the right one is becoming a science
I'd like to scream but I ain't gonna be heard
And if you need water
I'll Be A River
Like a wave I will come over you
You need someone to fall into
I'll Be A River
And my love will carry you through
I decided that I was not going to mope around feeling sorry for myself. After all, nothing had actually changed. We weren't dating to begin with so being broken up with should have no affect. Mostly it was just my feelers that were hurt. Am I really so unlovable that I have to be preemtively dumped once a month just to make sure I don't get any ideas? But these were the thoughts I decided I didn't want to have. So I got out of bed and started emptying out my room to paint it. By 10:30 I had everything out and was ready to start painting the ceiling. 20 minutes later I somehow managed to dump the gallon of white paint - on my roommates dog. This obviously scared her so she took off running through the house. My dog came to investigate and walked through the paint. I eventually tackled the paint covered little dog in the kitchen and grabbed my own dog by the collar, just as my roommate came upstairs. There was paint EVERYWHERE. I took the dogs down to the basement and we got in the shower fully dressed. I got the dogs clean and then went up to help my roommate with the paint disaster all over the hard wood floors. I managed to miss the tarp entirely since I think I was moving it when the paint fell. About an hour and a half later... we had 96% of the paint off the floor, sore knees, and I had a blister on my thumb.
I managed to get one coat of paint on my room and then my roommate told me he was having company over for dinner. Ok... the timing was bad but I vaguely remembered him saying something about this earlier in the week. The company showed up and turned out to be some dude he met online from Denver that just happened to be passing through. I asked several times if he wanted me to find somewhere else to be (even though I was covered in paint and didn't really want to spend the evening doing anything other than taking a hot bath). He assured me that I should stay and that he only planned on having dinner with this dude. I was still uncomfortable but didn't argue. I had dinner with them - still covered in paint and made small talk with who I will now call "random dude #4." We finished eating and I went to the living room to start putting a few things away so we could actually sit on the furniture since the contents of my room was all over the place. I decided to answer an email and my roommate asked if I wanted some cheesecake. Hell yes I want cheesecake! I finished up my email and I heard kissing noises coming from the living room. Shit... so I casually walked past to get a drink of water and saw that they were making out. Well, so much for cheesecake. I went back to my room and wondered if I should leave but once again... I was covered in paint, wanted a bath, and didn't really have anywhere to go. Some time passed and then my roommate got into the shower. Shit... what does THAT mean?! Then they both disappeared into my roommate's bedroom and I was officially traumatized. The silver lining (I thought) was that the cheesecake was now free to be eaten except it seems when they followed their penises into the bedroom they left the cheesecake behind and my opportunist dog took care of it for them. So, to recap... my roommate is banging some random dude 12 feet from my room, my dog is hyped up on 4 slices of chocolate cheesecake, and I'm covered in paint. I wanted a bath since "random dude #4" showed up and I decided at this moment that it would no longer be rude if I took one. So I shut the door to my cracked out dog and took a bath. My dog barked and whined the entire time I was in there - but at my roommate's door, not the bathroom door. Traitor. I got out and discovered that while I was relaxing in the tub that both dogs had somehow gotten into the trash (I'm assuming because my roommate didn't latch it). My shirtless post coital roommate came to my room to ask if any trash got left in there after the dogs got into it. I growled something about how she had also eaten the cheesecake and he retreated to his room for some pillow talk - which I could hear since he left his door open. At 11 I made a big production out of shutting off lights and locking doors and going to bed. An hour later I heard "random dude #4" leave.
Sunday I woke up just as angry as I was the morning before. I avoided my roommate and left for church without saying anything to him. We had our Open and Affirming celebration and a vigil for GLBT youth that have been bullied and/ or committed suicide. It was rough to get through but I managed. I got home around noon and wasn't done being angry with my slutty roommate yet. Luckily I had a lunch invite from a friend so I left to have an omelet. I eventually made it home and my roommate asked if I was angry that he brought a guy home. I explained that I wasn't angry about that... I was however angry that he proceeded to have sex while I was there after I had offered to give him the house for the evening. He explained that he didn't think it was a big deal since if he was comfortable having me in the house when he had sex then it shouldn't bother me. I explained that it doesn't really work like that...
I don't remember if I mentioned in the last blog that Friday night he came home and let me cry on his shoulder and gave me a big hug and I felt like we were friends again. Then he was really cool during the entire paint fiasco and we bonded over that too. I think he felt bad about everything but I guess in his defense the penis can sometimes take over and there is nothing anyone can do about it.
I spent the rest of Sunday putting a second coat of paint on my room, then moved my furniture out of storage and into my room. My room looks amazing by the way. I feel so much less homeless and it's a good feeling to know that I'm just a couple of car loads away from not having to pay my storage unit anymore. I also gave away my couch to a foreign exchange student. I am glad it's gone and being put to use!
My roommate made fish and chips and poured me a gin and tonic "to celebrate surviving the weekend of horror." We hashed everything out over dinner and things are good between us again. He's sorry he's a whore. I'm sorry I'm moody and emotional.
Last weekend can kiss my ass. I feel like I need another one to recover and relax. Also... "the boy" can kiss my ass. He's an idiot. Why would you break up with someone you weren't dating to begin with? I think he just felt guilty and wanted me to absolve him of that guilt. By doing so it just made me feel worse. Fuck him. He doesn't deserve me and if he wants this to work then he's going to have to figure out how to be my friend.
I woke up Saturday morning with red puffy eyes, a slight hang over, pissed about wasting my tears on someone that no longer deserves them, and I had a song stuck in my head... "if you need water, I'll be your river..." I had the entire song stuck in my head but I couldn't place it. Where had I heard this song and how do I know it. Turns out it was by Cyndi Lauper. I heard it on a cd I recently bought but didn't realize I was even paying attention to that song. It's beautiful and I love Cyndi Lauper for it.
You like the flame and you are drawn by desire
Watching and waiting in line for your turn
I've learned to walk with my back to the fire
I like the heat but I don't want to get burned
And if you need water
I'll Be A River
Like a wave I will come over you
You need someone to fall into
I'll Be A River
And my love will carry you through
Here stands a fortress built with great walls of silence
Ready to crumble at the slightest word
Finding the right one is becoming a science
I'd like to scream but I ain't gonna be heard
And if you need water
I'll Be A River
Like a wave I will come over you
You need someone to fall into
I'll Be A River
And my love will carry you through
I decided that I was not going to mope around feeling sorry for myself. After all, nothing had actually changed. We weren't dating to begin with so being broken up with should have no affect. Mostly it was just my feelers that were hurt. Am I really so unlovable that I have to be preemtively dumped once a month just to make sure I don't get any ideas? But these were the thoughts I decided I didn't want to have. So I got out of bed and started emptying out my room to paint it. By 10:30 I had everything out and was ready to start painting the ceiling. 20 minutes later I somehow managed to dump the gallon of white paint - on my roommates dog. This obviously scared her so she took off running through the house. My dog came to investigate and walked through the paint. I eventually tackled the paint covered little dog in the kitchen and grabbed my own dog by the collar, just as my roommate came upstairs. There was paint EVERYWHERE. I took the dogs down to the basement and we got in the shower fully dressed. I got the dogs clean and then went up to help my roommate with the paint disaster all over the hard wood floors. I managed to miss the tarp entirely since I think I was moving it when the paint fell. About an hour and a half later... we had 96% of the paint off the floor, sore knees, and I had a blister on my thumb.
I managed to get one coat of paint on my room and then my roommate told me he was having company over for dinner. Ok... the timing was bad but I vaguely remembered him saying something about this earlier in the week. The company showed up and turned out to be some dude he met online from Denver that just happened to be passing through. I asked several times if he wanted me to find somewhere else to be (even though I was covered in paint and didn't really want to spend the evening doing anything other than taking a hot bath). He assured me that I should stay and that he only planned on having dinner with this dude. I was still uncomfortable but didn't argue. I had dinner with them - still covered in paint and made small talk with who I will now call "random dude #4." We finished eating and I went to the living room to start putting a few things away so we could actually sit on the furniture since the contents of my room was all over the place. I decided to answer an email and my roommate asked if I wanted some cheesecake. Hell yes I want cheesecake! I finished up my email and I heard kissing noises coming from the living room. Shit... so I casually walked past to get a drink of water and saw that they were making out. Well, so much for cheesecake. I went back to my room and wondered if I should leave but once again... I was covered in paint, wanted a bath, and didn't really have anywhere to go. Some time passed and then my roommate got into the shower. Shit... what does THAT mean?! Then they both disappeared into my roommate's bedroom and I was officially traumatized. The silver lining (I thought) was that the cheesecake was now free to be eaten except it seems when they followed their penises into the bedroom they left the cheesecake behind and my opportunist dog took care of it for them. So, to recap... my roommate is banging some random dude 12 feet from my room, my dog is hyped up on 4 slices of chocolate cheesecake, and I'm covered in paint. I wanted a bath since "random dude #4" showed up and I decided at this moment that it would no longer be rude if I took one. So I shut the door to my cracked out dog and took a bath. My dog barked and whined the entire time I was in there - but at my roommate's door, not the bathroom door. Traitor. I got out and discovered that while I was relaxing in the tub that both dogs had somehow gotten into the trash (I'm assuming because my roommate didn't latch it). My shirtless post coital roommate came to my room to ask if any trash got left in there after the dogs got into it. I growled something about how she had also eaten the cheesecake and he retreated to his room for some pillow talk - which I could hear since he left his door open. At 11 I made a big production out of shutting off lights and locking doors and going to bed. An hour later I heard "random dude #4" leave.
Sunday I woke up just as angry as I was the morning before. I avoided my roommate and left for church without saying anything to him. We had our Open and Affirming celebration and a vigil for GLBT youth that have been bullied and/ or committed suicide. It was rough to get through but I managed. I got home around noon and wasn't done being angry with my slutty roommate yet. Luckily I had a lunch invite from a friend so I left to have an omelet. I eventually made it home and my roommate asked if I was angry that he brought a guy home. I explained that I wasn't angry about that... I was however angry that he proceeded to have sex while I was there after I had offered to give him the house for the evening. He explained that he didn't think it was a big deal since if he was comfortable having me in the house when he had sex then it shouldn't bother me. I explained that it doesn't really work like that...
I don't remember if I mentioned in the last blog that Friday night he came home and let me cry on his shoulder and gave me a big hug and I felt like we were friends again. Then he was really cool during the entire paint fiasco and we bonded over that too. I think he felt bad about everything but I guess in his defense the penis can sometimes take over and there is nothing anyone can do about it.
I spent the rest of Sunday putting a second coat of paint on my room, then moved my furniture out of storage and into my room. My room looks amazing by the way. I feel so much less homeless and it's a good feeling to know that I'm just a couple of car loads away from not having to pay my storage unit anymore. I also gave away my couch to a foreign exchange student. I am glad it's gone and being put to use!
My roommate made fish and chips and poured me a gin and tonic "to celebrate surviving the weekend of horror." We hashed everything out over dinner and things are good between us again. He's sorry he's a whore. I'm sorry I'm moody and emotional.
Last weekend can kiss my ass. I feel like I need another one to recover and relax. Also... "the boy" can kiss my ass. He's an idiot. Why would you break up with someone you weren't dating to begin with? I think he just felt guilty and wanted me to absolve him of that guilt. By doing so it just made me feel worse. Fuck him. He doesn't deserve me and if he wants this to work then he's going to have to figure out how to be my friend.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Sick of Waiting
I hate that my blog makes me look like an emotional 13 year old girl with nothing but boy problems but this seems to be the home for this topic so... there you have it.
I went out tonight with my most recent love interest. I've missed hanging out with him for the last few weeks so I just went out and told him that I've missed spending time with him and asked if we could have a beer tonight. He said yes, we had a beer... of course he brought a friend and I showed up alone. More of his friends showed up throughout the night and that was all fine. I finally got to the point where I felt like I had enough to drink and I was tired and ready to go home. He saw that and felt the same way so we left but then parted outside of the bar. I left feeling weird and unresolved and just generally unhappy about the situation. I got home and my phone rang. It was him. He wanted to tell me that he's been dating other people and that specifically he's been on a couple dates with the same guy that broke my roommate's heart and essentially turned him into a slutty mess. He hoped that we could still hang out and be friends and just wanted to be honest with me. I was honest with him and told him how we met since he didn't even know how long I've been waiting for a chance to date him (roughly a year). In the end I think we just made things harder on each other. We hung up and I just collapsed. I started crying like I haven't cried in ages. I felt so rejected and unwanted. It made things worse since it's been at least a couple of years since I've WANTED to date ANYONE and then I found someone that met my insane requirements and he rejected me. That wasn't supposed to happen.
I'm just so tired of waiting for things.
To let loose,
To let free,
To breath in,
To breath out,
Peace Out.
I went out tonight with my most recent love interest. I've missed hanging out with him for the last few weeks so I just went out and told him that I've missed spending time with him and asked if we could have a beer tonight. He said yes, we had a beer... of course he brought a friend and I showed up alone. More of his friends showed up throughout the night and that was all fine. I finally got to the point where I felt like I had enough to drink and I was tired and ready to go home. He saw that and felt the same way so we left but then parted outside of the bar. I left feeling weird and unresolved and just generally unhappy about the situation. I got home and my phone rang. It was him. He wanted to tell me that he's been dating other people and that specifically he's been on a couple dates with the same guy that broke my roommate's heart and essentially turned him into a slutty mess. He hoped that we could still hang out and be friends and just wanted to be honest with me. I was honest with him and told him how we met since he didn't even know how long I've been waiting for a chance to date him (roughly a year). In the end I think we just made things harder on each other. We hung up and I just collapsed. I started crying like I haven't cried in ages. I felt so rejected and unwanted. It made things worse since it's been at least a couple of years since I've WANTED to date ANYONE and then I found someone that met my insane requirements and he rejected me. That wasn't supposed to happen.
I'm just so tired of waiting for things.
To let loose,
To let free,
To breath in,
To breath out,
Peace Out.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The Gays of My Life
Before getting into my lame junior high girl drama I'm going to give a quick update on my life recently.
~ I officially quit advising the GLBT student group last week. I had half way quit months ago but stuck around. It was becoming more trouble than anything else with all the drama and university bullshit so I said a fond farewell and walked out on Friday. After over 5 years of of blood, sweat and tears, my departure was met with a yawn. That kind of hurt.
~ My exhibit at work is 2/3 up and looking good. The rest will go up later in the week.
~ Work in general has been a little dramatic and weird lately. I feel a little like I've outgrown my job but I don't want the next size up and they aren't offering it anyway.
~ Things at home have been a little awkward lately. My roommate seems to be in heat or something. He talks about nothing but sex and seems to have had some sort of a three way while I was at church. Classy.
~ Class is going ok. I just want to be done. The last class I need "might" be offered in May and I was supposed to hear back a week ago but haven't yet.
~ For the first time, I feel like I've overstayed my welcome - at work, at home, in school, in the clubs and organizations I'm a part of. I need to start fresh, but I'm not sure where or how.
And now on to my lame junior high bullshit...
I had a weird week last week as far as imaginary relationships go. (And all of my relationships ARE imaginary.) My most recent crush seems to be pushing me even further into the friend zone. I've noticed that he doesn't contact me independently. He only replies when I contact him... so I guess that's even on the edge of the friend zone. That is dangerously close to "annoying friend I tolerate zone" and I refuse to live in that neighborhood. Maybe I'm imagining things. I know he's insanely busy. A relationship is certainly off the table though... which sucks since in spite of myself I still have a crush on him. I should have known it was bullshit when we both said that we didn't want anything to change since sure enough... everything changed.
To complicate things further... I wrote to my Canadian author friend. We write to each other more or less every day, sort of pen pall style. Of course I mention things going on (or not going on) with the current crush when I write to him. Last week I wrote to say something about the crush and I got a slightly unexpected reply saying that he felt like they were in competition for me and that when he pictures his life in the future it's with me. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I do love him but he's in Canada and I'm not sure I can say that I'm "in love" with him and there is a difference. And since he's a writer, it was a beautiful letter and I melted but that still doesn't translate to anything realistic. There might be too much water under that bridge to be able to cross it again. He kind of hurt me when he picked someone practical over me, which is what I was trying to do recently and why he said something. I still just don't know what to do with that information. I guess wait until May and Spain and see what happens?
About two days later the guy I like to refer to as "the rabbi" in my blog popped back up, after over a year of no contact. He's now in NYC going to grad school and wants to teach religious studies rather than be a rabbi. Ok... so that's all well and good... he's still cute, he's still available, he's no longer going to be a rabbi, which was going to be an issue... but he's still needy and clingy and moving too fast for his own good. I want his friendship, nothing more. That's all I've ever wanted but he keeps getting hurt and I hate hurting people. I feel like I'm doing the same thing to him that my recent crush is doing to me - leaving him on the line. I should just tell him that I'm not interested in a relationship and let him move on, if he wants to be friends that's up to him. I know it hurts to be left in the no man's land of not knowing how someone feels and if they should feel hopeful or not.
Why is it that life tends to give you everything you want but in the most complicated ways possible. I have a cute sweet nearly perfect guy 6 blocks from my house, that doesn't want me. I have a cute sweet nearly perfect guy in Canada that does want me but lives a bazillion miles away and I'm not sure I can get over my own hurt from 2 years ago to let him back in. And I have a cute guy that desperately wants me but doesn't even know me in New York. I should feel flattered by the last two but it somehow just makes me angry.
~ I officially quit advising the GLBT student group last week. I had half way quit months ago but stuck around. It was becoming more trouble than anything else with all the drama and university bullshit so I said a fond farewell and walked out on Friday. After over 5 years of of blood, sweat and tears, my departure was met with a yawn. That kind of hurt.
~ My exhibit at work is 2/3 up and looking good. The rest will go up later in the week.
~ Work in general has been a little dramatic and weird lately. I feel a little like I've outgrown my job but I don't want the next size up and they aren't offering it anyway.
~ Things at home have been a little awkward lately. My roommate seems to be in heat or something. He talks about nothing but sex and seems to have had some sort of a three way while I was at church. Classy.
~ Class is going ok. I just want to be done. The last class I need "might" be offered in May and I was supposed to hear back a week ago but haven't yet.
~ For the first time, I feel like I've overstayed my welcome - at work, at home, in school, in the clubs and organizations I'm a part of. I need to start fresh, but I'm not sure where or how.
And now on to my lame junior high bullshit...
I had a weird week last week as far as imaginary relationships go. (And all of my relationships ARE imaginary.) My most recent crush seems to be pushing me even further into the friend zone. I've noticed that he doesn't contact me independently. He only replies when I contact him... so I guess that's even on the edge of the friend zone. That is dangerously close to "annoying friend I tolerate zone" and I refuse to live in that neighborhood. Maybe I'm imagining things. I know he's insanely busy. A relationship is certainly off the table though... which sucks since in spite of myself I still have a crush on him. I should have known it was bullshit when we both said that we didn't want anything to change since sure enough... everything changed.
To complicate things further... I wrote to my Canadian author friend. We write to each other more or less every day, sort of pen pall style. Of course I mention things going on (or not going on) with the current crush when I write to him. Last week I wrote to say something about the crush and I got a slightly unexpected reply saying that he felt like they were in competition for me and that when he pictures his life in the future it's with me. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I do love him but he's in Canada and I'm not sure I can say that I'm "in love" with him and there is a difference. And since he's a writer, it was a beautiful letter and I melted but that still doesn't translate to anything realistic. There might be too much water under that bridge to be able to cross it again. He kind of hurt me when he picked someone practical over me, which is what I was trying to do recently and why he said something. I still just don't know what to do with that information. I guess wait until May and Spain and see what happens?
About two days later the guy I like to refer to as "the rabbi" in my blog popped back up, after over a year of no contact. He's now in NYC going to grad school and wants to teach religious studies rather than be a rabbi. Ok... so that's all well and good... he's still cute, he's still available, he's no longer going to be a rabbi, which was going to be an issue... but he's still needy and clingy and moving too fast for his own good. I want his friendship, nothing more. That's all I've ever wanted but he keeps getting hurt and I hate hurting people. I feel like I'm doing the same thing to him that my recent crush is doing to me - leaving him on the line. I should just tell him that I'm not interested in a relationship and let him move on, if he wants to be friends that's up to him. I know it hurts to be left in the no man's land of not knowing how someone feels and if they should feel hopeful or not.
Why is it that life tends to give you everything you want but in the most complicated ways possible. I have a cute sweet nearly perfect guy 6 blocks from my house, that doesn't want me. I have a cute sweet nearly perfect guy in Canada that does want me but lives a bazillion miles away and I'm not sure I can get over my own hurt from 2 years ago to let him back in. And I have a cute guy that desperately wants me but doesn't even know me in New York. I should feel flattered by the last two but it somehow just makes me angry.
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