Relationships Are Like All Hard and Stuff

So, it's been a while since my last post. A lot has happened. Work is more or less the same except I've been busting my butt to get the collection I'm working on finished up. It's a super fun collection of science fiction and monster movie memorabilia. It's kind of nice to go to work and be excited about working and actually trying to be productive, rather than just passing time.

I applied to a job a month or so ago. It was sort of a shot in the dark since it's a really good job and pays much more. I am totally qualified for it but didn't really expect an interview. I had a phone interview last Friday. It was pretty unexpected but really exciting. It was a bit awkward since I took the phone interview in my office at work because I don't have a land line at home and I figured it would be a quiet place. It consisted of three people on a speaker phone asking me a series of 18 questions. I would ramble on about whatever the topic was while they took notes so it was kind of hard to have it be so one sided but I think I did well. I'm not sure if I'll get a second interview or an offer since they need someone immediately. I'm stuck where I am until late April or early May. No matter what, it was really flattering to make their short list since I'm sure they got well over 100 applications.

Classes have started. I'm taking too many credits. My three credit class is less horrible than I thought it would be. My one credit historic preservation class is WAY more work than it should be and could end up being a bigger pain in the ass than my three credit class and internship combined. The internship is going to take time but not be especially difficult. It will feel good to finish up in May, even though I'll still need one more three credit class to formally graduate. I'll probably just take something "fun" over the summer - maybe an online class.

So, I guess I'm still "seeing" the guy in Utah. It's been just a little over three months since we met. We had this huge fight Saturday and I came within a fraction of an inch of dumping him. It's odd that I would even need to dump him considering we've spent two weekends together and I've had longer relationships with bottles of ketchup. But... we also talk on the phone daily, text, chat online... so I guess it is a long distance relationship of sorts. - Just one that is hyper charged and premature. So, here is my issue. He's the neediest person ever. EVER. He sends texts all the time saying things like "I love you" or "I miss you" and I know the only acceptable reply is to say the same back. After about the 3rd or 4th time in a day I get tired of constantly reassuring him and either don't reply at all or reply with a question like "how is your day going?" This happened on Saturday and it upset him. He felt like I ignored his text. I didn't ignore it, I just didn't play his game and reassure him for the 10,000th time that I miss him. At that moment, I didn't miss him. He had called me twice before that and we had texted back and forth all day. I was actually a little relieved that he was hosting a movie party and I could have a few hours to myself. The ensuing fight was ugly. I came across as a huge prick since he took the stance of "I just love you and want to be with you" and I had to be the realistic ass hole that questioned how on earth a relationship where we are six hours apart could possibly work. His faith that it can and will work out is sweet but I can't say that I share it.

So, then why didn't I dump him? I honestly don't know. I've come close a few times but something always stops me. For all his neediness it is really nice that he thinks of me so highly and cares about me so much. I feel like he is kind of living in a fairy tale but that blind faith that everything will be ok is endearing too. Plus the last time we had a fight I finally just spilled everything that was bothering me and he quit doing those things. They were petty but he just flat out stopped. It's rare to find a guy that is willing to make changes and adjustments to make a relationship work - I can't say I'm willing to do that even. Plus I guess there are the subconscious things. Both dogs love him and they only love a very small number of people. He listens and remembers small things. When I stop being a dick and just let him into my life, even for just a little bit, I find that we have a lot in common and ultimately want the same things in life. And we just "fit" together well. When we hold hands or sleep together things just mesh up and it feels like we were supposed to be together like that all along. I know it's cheesy and mushy but this is coming from the same guy that prefers to sleep alone because I don't want to be touched while sleeping. And with him... I actually like cuddling all night and waking up together.

So... I don't know how it could possibly work out. I don't want to move to Utah and I would never ask anyone to move here but maybe there is a third or even a fourth option. I have nobody locally that I want to date. I guess I'm not loosing much by giving him a chance. Sure, in the past I've hated the feeling of having to talk to him on the phone nightly and reply to umpteen thousand texts but I also never mentioned that to him until our big fight and he said he wouldn't be hurt if we didn't speak every night. Somehow just knowing that makes me want to talk to him. God, I'm a psycho... What does it say about me that I only want people that don't want me and a totally sweet and thoughtful guy that is crazy about me is a turn off?

Or maybe he really is just a crazy person. Only time will tell.

To let loose.
To let free.
To breath in.
To breath out.
Peace out.

Updates 'n Stuff

I had a nice Christmas with my family. I drove home a day early due to the typical hysteria we go through about the weather. There was a big storm and supposedly another on the way. My drive home was uneventful other than the fact that it took 6 hours instead of the normal 4 1/2. My dad is still recovering from surgery and was not feeling very well for the first few days I was home. My parents were actually planning on flying back to Mayo's on the Monday after Christmas to have him looked at again. But then the day after Christmas my dad was suddenly "1000 times better." We spoke the other night and he's getting better every day, to that's good! Most of my time at home was spent watching whatever horrible show my dad happened to have on. I must have watched at least 5-6 hours of shows in the "the worlds most blankiest blank" genre. What could be more wonderful than watching Gary Busy and Tanya Harding narrate shows like "The Words Stupidest Crimes" and " The Worlds Most Ridiculous Record Breakers." Oh wait... pretty much anything is better than that. So, once I realized that I didn't HAVE to watch the tv just because it was on I managed to read a book, finish season 5 of 30 Rock and I just recently started watching the Matt Smith episodes of Doctor Who. After about a week of sitting at home eating too much pie and sitting on the couch I went back to my home - once again ahead of some sort of epic storm that never really appeared. I picked up my roommate's dog on the way home and for about 4 days the two dogs were my only real company. It was sort of pathetic really. New Years Eve was kind of a disappointment. I had plans to go to either a party in Cheyenne or Denver but the roads were horrible and/or closed. I started feeling pretty bad for myself for a little bit but then decided to just make the best of it. I made myself some fun homemade mini pizzas, watched a movie, and then read a good book. At midnight I toasted the new year alone with a glass of sparkling white grape juice. That sounds pretty sad but it kind of worked for me. I actually have good feelings about 2011. I feel like some big changes are waiting for me this year.

So, my Utah boyfriend. I don't know about him. I haven't seen him in about a month and won't see him for another almost 3 weeks. We talk on the phone nightly and lately I've started to resent that we MUST talk on the phone EVERY night since it's the exact same conversation every night. He's driving home from work, I'm struggling to stay awake for just 30 minutes longer, it's hardly interesting conversation. Lately he's started to notice how distant I'm sounding, which is actually fairly perceptive on his part and we spent most of the last two days "discussing" things. My problem is that I don't see a happy ending for this relationship. We have spent 2 weekends together and I've only known him since mid October. He's convinced that we will eventually have a house and kids together. I have no idea why he thinks this since he barely knows me. It takes a LOT longer than 2 1/2 months to get to know and understand me. Plus he lives 6 hours away. I'm not moving there, he's not moving here, and we can barely mesh our schedules enough to see each other once a month. I'm usually an optimist but I just don't see how this could possibly work out. I suggested yesterday that we just slow things down, take the pressure off, and just concentrate on being friends and getting to know each other without the weight of "happily ever after" sitting on our shoulders. He interpreted this as me wanting to keep my options open in case I meet someone better. It's exactly the opposite really, I just want some of my time back so I can be selfish and do what I want without the obligation of some imaginary boyfriend in a different state weighing me down. I just want to be single and selfish and deal with my own life right now, thank you very much. Plus what is the point of a relationship when you don't see each other? I know he's terrified that I'll find someone "better" and dump him. He says so almost daily, which is sort of a mind fuck, and is starting to become a self fulfilling prophecy. The more he talks about how I'm settling on him and how I will probably meet someone better, the more I believe it. The funny thing is that until he started saying shit like that I was perfectly happy and content. I was head over heels in love with him in the beginning. Now... It's funny... I love him but I'm not sure I actually like him. The other day I tried to think of a list of reasons why I liked him and couldn't come up with a single thing. Not one. I know I should just break it off now and move on. I know it would devastate him but that's his problem for falling in love with someone that is imaginary. I think I'm just a shiny place holder for him since he doesn't really know me as well as he thinks. But then... there is that one tiny memory of how much I liked him in the beginning. There was a reason and there was a list of qualies that I loved about him. That has to still be true on some level, right? I honestly think that if he just backs off and lets things play out naturally I would be fine. I just hate feeling forced and I feel that way. Anyway... I just needed to vent.

In other news: I applied for a job in Arizona at my alma mater. It's a great job and I'm actually really qualified for it. Who knows if I get an offer or even an interview. Time will tell. Next week I start my last class. It won't be easy. I need to start reading for it tonight so I'm a little ahead of the game. I guess that's all. Time to make more coffee and then actually get some work done!