You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.
--------------------------------------------------------
"Please--tame me!" he said.
"I want to, very much," the little prince replied. "But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."
"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me . . ."
"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince.
--------------------------------------------------------
I finished reading a friend's book last night. When I say a "friend's book" I don't mean a book I borrow from a friend but an actual novel written by a friend. It's his second. The first was pretty good, not great, not bad. This one was really good! Quite possibly one of the most enjoyable reads I've had in a while. It was a little surreal reading it though. I've known him for a little over a year and we write to each other fairly regularly. I like to think in a perfect world where time and distance didn't matter, we would be together. But we aren't. So reading his book was almost like spending time with him. I saw elements of myself in it, but I probably just read too much into the storyline. No matter what, it was a great book and I recommend it to anyone! A Flash of Hex - http://www.amazon.com/Flash-Hex-Jes-Battis/dp/0441017231/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_1
At the same time I was reading this book I was also writing an article for an anthology the same friend is publishing about queer grad students. I was flattered that he asked me to write something but I was at a total loss as to what I had to say on the subject. Sure, I am gay and sure I went to grad school... but for me there was very little overlap of the two. The two years that I was actually in the program were fairly pivotal years in my coming out process but it was sort of like he was asking me to do something but asking in a different language. It was a simple request, but not something I fully understood. So, yesterday I sat down I and vomited out 18 pages worth of "something." I have no idea what he was wanting or if that was what he wanted, but I sent it to him and I'm waiting for some comments and suggestions.
While writing the article I found myself reliving the relationships I had while in grad school and even though it was just a couple years ago... it feels like so much longer. There were several short meaningless relationships and one long meaningful relationship. I found myself describing my first sexual experience and what a let down it was and then my first "real" boyfriend and how being with him was everything I had ever hoped for and then how I was left crushed and cautious after. I say all of these things without judgment since it all worked out in the end and everything that happened should have happened. I have no real regrets.
But then I found myself comparing those events and my life in general to the lives of the characters in the book I was reading. I'm a huge narcissist so I'm convinced one of the characters is loosely based on me and a second character is vaguely inspired by the relationship I had with the author. Who knows if any of that is true... but in my head the connection was clear so I ran with it while reading. I fell in love with those characters. I'm not sure exactly what that says about me... narcissist much? I guess the point is that I've been trying to make something out of nothing. All the guys I've dated in the last few years have been all wrong and I've known it but I hoped I could make it work anyway. In the end I just want someone to tame me. I want someone to take the time to get to know me and for our lives to overlap. What's the point of being a rose if you're just one of thousands of nameless roses or being a fox if you are just some random fox passing in the distance?
----------------------------------------------
So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near--
"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."
"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you . . ."
"Yes, that is so," said the fox.
"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.
"Yes, that is so," said the fox.
"Then it has done you no good at all!"
"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields." And then he added:
"Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret."
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
I’ve Got a Feeling
At the moment I’m sitting at my desk at work. It’s Friday morning but I was convinced it was Saturday when I woke up this morning and that’s never a fun thing to do. Since it’s summer and it’s Friday, not many people are here today. I considered taking the day off but decided it was best to keep as many vacation days banked up since they get paid out if you get fired and that would allow me some time to find a job. I don’t really think I’ll be fired but there have been so many people let go lately and that makes you feel pretty insecure. I’m sipping some horrible break room coffee and trying to strike the proper balance of moving around and staying still since pretty much my entire body hurts from yoga practice yesterday. It was a great work out and as gross as it sounds, I don’t think I’ve ever sweat so much in my entire life! But now… arms, legs, core… all kind of sore and getting worse as the day progresses. It’s a good kind of pain though. It’s the pain of growth and I like that.
So, what’s new with me – you might ask. I guess not much. I’m getting ready to start packing this weekend. I hope to get a lot taken care of. I’m a little nervous about moving since I am essentially homeless. I have a great friend I’m going to stay with for a month, but after that I have no plans. I’m sure I’ll find something but I would feel a lot better if I had some idea of where I’ll be living in August. In spite of all the cuts on campus the remaining employees all got raises. I hate to complain… but I would have gladly given up my raise if it meant getting to keep even one of the 45 people we lost. But I guess the world just doesn’t work that way so I’m making like $100 more a month which I guess means I can afford to rent a nicer place, provided somewhere decent that allows dogs opens up in the next month.
I spent two days this week in training seminars to be a consultant for the state to help make schools safer for all students. It had a specific focus on keeping LGBT students safe but the “ism” could easily be change for anyone. It was incredibly rewarding and it sort of sparked something in me. I think this is what I want to do. I want to help people. I am seriously considering going back to school to get a counseling degree. Unfortunately, the program works on a schedule and the next section doesn't start until the Fall of 2011. I might look into alternatives. It was just very nice to actually feel happy about something vaguely work related and to feel like that work might actually make a difference some day.
Not much to report in the love life department. For some reason all the skeletons in my closet tend to trot out and dance around every now and then. The nice Jewish guy I met two years ago keeps persisting in spite of the fact that I’ve inadvertently broken his heart twice already. He’s sweet but we just have no middle ground to stand on and I would like to be his friend but all he wants is a husband. *Whoa! Slow it down dude!* I’ve seen him twice in the last 3 weeks. The first time was nice. We were buddies, we had pizza and hiked around and it was just good. The second time he got pretty handsy in the car and basically ruined it for me. I’m not sure if I want to see him again under any circumstance. My Canadian author published his second novel about a month or two ago and I just got around to reading it. It’s strange to read a book and to have actually been present for many of the influences that made it into the book. I see aspects of myself in some of the characters, I see specific events I was party to mirrored in the story line, and there was an entire paragraph about sleeping and cuddling with someone that you couldn’t be with physically that was basically ripped out of our trip to San Francisco together. It’s bizarre but cool and it’s almost like spending time with him in a strange way. I laughed so hard at one point that I upset my dog, who had previously been sleeping at my feet. I “met” someone in a class relatively recently. The odd thing is that I’ve known him for 2-3 years but we’ve never really hung out. We've both sort of been aware of each other for quite some time and even have a few mutual friends. We chat before and after class and the chatter is starting to progress to what might be considered flirting. For some reason I have absolutely no idea how get from acquaintance to the next step or even what that next step should be. I don’t know a lot about him but there are no red flags, he’s nice, we clearly have at least one shared interest, and well… he’s here. These days “here” counts for a lot since it seems that’s where I’m at. I guess I’ll just not worry about it and let things unfold naturally. That’s probably always good advice for me.
I love the Black Eyed Peas. I have no idea if this song even has any sort of vague relevance to this post but I’m really digging the new cd and it seems I have started a theme of including some sort of song at the end of each blog.
Black Eyed Peas – I’ve Gotta Feeling
So, what’s new with me – you might ask. I guess not much. I’m getting ready to start packing this weekend. I hope to get a lot taken care of. I’m a little nervous about moving since I am essentially homeless. I have a great friend I’m going to stay with for a month, but after that I have no plans. I’m sure I’ll find something but I would feel a lot better if I had some idea of where I’ll be living in August. In spite of all the cuts on campus the remaining employees all got raises. I hate to complain… but I would have gladly given up my raise if it meant getting to keep even one of the 45 people we lost. But I guess the world just doesn’t work that way so I’m making like $100 more a month which I guess means I can afford to rent a nicer place, provided somewhere decent that allows dogs opens up in the next month.
I spent two days this week in training seminars to be a consultant for the state to help make schools safer for all students. It had a specific focus on keeping LGBT students safe but the “ism” could easily be change for anyone. It was incredibly rewarding and it sort of sparked something in me. I think this is what I want to do. I want to help people. I am seriously considering going back to school to get a counseling degree. Unfortunately, the program works on a schedule and the next section doesn't start until the Fall of 2011. I might look into alternatives. It was just very nice to actually feel happy about something vaguely work related and to feel like that work might actually make a difference some day.
Not much to report in the love life department. For some reason all the skeletons in my closet tend to trot out and dance around every now and then. The nice Jewish guy I met two years ago keeps persisting in spite of the fact that I’ve inadvertently broken his heart twice already. He’s sweet but we just have no middle ground to stand on and I would like to be his friend but all he wants is a husband. *Whoa! Slow it down dude!* I’ve seen him twice in the last 3 weeks. The first time was nice. We were buddies, we had pizza and hiked around and it was just good. The second time he got pretty handsy in the car and basically ruined it for me. I’m not sure if I want to see him again under any circumstance. My Canadian author published his second novel about a month or two ago and I just got around to reading it. It’s strange to read a book and to have actually been present for many of the influences that made it into the book. I see aspects of myself in some of the characters, I see specific events I was party to mirrored in the story line, and there was an entire paragraph about sleeping and cuddling with someone that you couldn’t be with physically that was basically ripped out of our trip to San Francisco together. It’s bizarre but cool and it’s almost like spending time with him in a strange way. I laughed so hard at one point that I upset my dog, who had previously been sleeping at my feet. I “met” someone in a class relatively recently. The odd thing is that I’ve known him for 2-3 years but we’ve never really hung out. We've both sort of been aware of each other for quite some time and even have a few mutual friends. We chat before and after class and the chatter is starting to progress to what might be considered flirting. For some reason I have absolutely no idea how get from acquaintance to the next step or even what that next step should be. I don’t know a lot about him but there are no red flags, he’s nice, we clearly have at least one shared interest, and well… he’s here. These days “here” counts for a lot since it seems that’s where I’m at. I guess I’ll just not worry about it and let things unfold naturally. That’s probably always good advice for me.
I love the Black Eyed Peas. I have no idea if this song even has any sort of vague relevance to this post but I’m really digging the new cd and it seems I have started a theme of including some sort of song at the end of each blog.
Black Eyed Peas – I’ve Gotta Feeling
Monday, June 8, 2009
I Want What I Want When I Want It!
Except I don't know what I want... but I still want it...
So, in my last post I hinted at some job opportunities elsewhere. I can pretty much rule them out already. I doubt I even get an interview. Basically the job market sucks and if jobs even make it to the interview process without being canceled for lack of funds, then grossly over qualified people are in the hiring pool with you. Lame.
Work last week sucked. 45 people were laid off campus wide, including a friend at work. Many of the lay offs basically defied all logic and that causes everyone to wonder who is next and "is my job safe?" No, it's probably not... but there isn't much anyone can do if the firings are semi-arbitrary and you have nowhere to go in advance. It sort of turns going to work into a game of Russian roulette and that's pretty unsettling.
In other news... I've been helping a friend (the Czech) tile his bathroom. I'm moving in with him at the end of the month. I think it will work out nicely. After that... who knows. I don't have many options. I don't make enough to be able to afford a great apartment. I'm not getting a new job elsewhere. I don't have enough money saved to buy a house. I have a crazy dog. That eliminates all options other than finding a decent place that I hopefully don't hate and somehow convincing my new landlord that even though my dog is a frosted nut ball, she's not destructive or loud. That sucks. I hoped to move upward or outward or to somehow better my situation in any way. Instead... I get the same ol' thing in a different package. I just want something new. A house, a better paying job so I can eventually buy a house, a new setting, anything... but it seems I have to be content with slowly paying off old debts until I'm able to save more money each month and then eventually move up in the world. It's how this is normally done I guess... but I am tired of it. I just want some break that will let me better my situation. I'm so damn sick of just floating... I can't really even say that I'm "treading water" since that implies some action, I'm just floating. I hate to whine, I have a good job, I have great friends, and I have been making the most out of my time here by joining committees and volunteering and whatnot... but at a certain point you hope to see some sort of result for all your effort. I'm in the exact same situation I was in 2 years ago. Same job, no boyfriend, no real prospects, the same tired town, and I'll be homeless in August.
Damn! I didn't expect to whine so much in this post! I'll quit now. I'm employed and my job is safe for now. I'm not homeless yet and my friends won't let me be. I'll find a nice place. And if I am careful with my funds then I'll have money saved and some debts paid off by this time next year. It will all work out in the end!
Two songs I like today:
The Ting Tings - That's Not My Name
and
Three Doors Down - Let Me Be Myself
They are both about identity. I think I need to work on finding my own.
So, in my last post I hinted at some job opportunities elsewhere. I can pretty much rule them out already. I doubt I even get an interview. Basically the job market sucks and if jobs even make it to the interview process without being canceled for lack of funds, then grossly over qualified people are in the hiring pool with you. Lame.
Work last week sucked. 45 people were laid off campus wide, including a friend at work. Many of the lay offs basically defied all logic and that causes everyone to wonder who is next and "is my job safe?" No, it's probably not... but there isn't much anyone can do if the firings are semi-arbitrary and you have nowhere to go in advance. It sort of turns going to work into a game of Russian roulette and that's pretty unsettling.
In other news... I've been helping a friend (the Czech) tile his bathroom. I'm moving in with him at the end of the month. I think it will work out nicely. After that... who knows. I don't have many options. I don't make enough to be able to afford a great apartment. I'm not getting a new job elsewhere. I don't have enough money saved to buy a house. I have a crazy dog. That eliminates all options other than finding a decent place that I hopefully don't hate and somehow convincing my new landlord that even though my dog is a frosted nut ball, she's not destructive or loud. That sucks. I hoped to move upward or outward or to somehow better my situation in any way. Instead... I get the same ol' thing in a different package. I just want something new. A house, a better paying job so I can eventually buy a house, a new setting, anything... but it seems I have to be content with slowly paying off old debts until I'm able to save more money each month and then eventually move up in the world. It's how this is normally done I guess... but I am tired of it. I just want some break that will let me better my situation. I'm so damn sick of just floating... I can't really even say that I'm "treading water" since that implies some action, I'm just floating. I hate to whine, I have a good job, I have great friends, and I have been making the most out of my time here by joining committees and volunteering and whatnot... but at a certain point you hope to see some sort of result for all your effort. I'm in the exact same situation I was in 2 years ago. Same job, no boyfriend, no real prospects, the same tired town, and I'll be homeless in August.
Damn! I didn't expect to whine so much in this post! I'll quit now. I'm employed and my job is safe for now. I'm not homeless yet and my friends won't let me be. I'll find a nice place. And if I am careful with my funds then I'll have money saved and some debts paid off by this time next year. It will all work out in the end!
Two songs I like today:
The Ting Tings - That's Not My Name
and
Three Doors Down - Let Me Be Myself
They are both about identity. I think I need to work on finding my own.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Fresh Blood
I feel like it's time. Time for what? Who knows... but some clock somewhere is about to run out and a new one is about to start. Without going into too many details... I'm not renewing my lease on my current apartment so I will be moving a the end of the month. The trouble is that once I start putting things into boxes I have no idea where I'm going to unpack those boxes. It could be a house in town. It could be an apartment in town. I could move in with the Czech for just a month. It's also very likely that I will be moving to "the city" in July. I'm sending off some job aps soon and I'm surprisingly qualified for all four of the jobs I'm applying for. Who knows what the future holds for me. I noticed today that I've been mentally preparing myself for a move though. Little things like telling strangers that I'm moving and throwing away under used condiments from my fridge so as to not have to pack them at some point. I'm kind of scared since I have no idea where I'm going and I think things are going to change dramatically and quickly for me.
I guess I'll see what happens.
I'm so tired of the same ol' crud.
Sweet baby, I need fresh blood.
Obsession of the night:
Fresh Blood by The Eels
I guess I'll see what happens.
I'm so tired of the same ol' crud.
Sweet baby, I need fresh blood.
Obsession of the night:
Fresh Blood by The Eels
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