Out of the Blue

Isn't it strange how something can trigger a memory you weren't really even aware of? I saw some old friends from college at walmart yesterday. Not recent university friends but friends from 8-9 years ago from my days in junior college. I see them every now and then, usually at walmart and we engage in some pleasant small talk. But this time they made me think of someone else. I didn't come out until I was about 24 but I now remember having a distinct crush on a guy in college when I was about 20. He was roommates with one of the people I saw yesterday and I hadn't really thought about him in years. I have such intense memories of being attracted to him. It's so odd. How on earth did I dismiss or not recognize those feelings way back then. We were kind of friends, not close but we chatted every now and then and lived in the same small dorm. I distinctly remember going on trip (oddly enough to walmart) with him at one point in college. He bought bananas and protein mix to make smoothies. I was so attracted to him and remember thinking about him after I got back to my dorm room. I wonder if I avoided him after that and stopped thinking about him. It's so strange, I can practically recall how he smelled and the sound of his voice but I haven't thought about him in at least 6 years, maybe longer. My internet stalking didn't turn anything up. I guess he can join the ranks with my Arizona crush that I never admitted I had a crush on and now can't locate either. I assume they were both straight. I honestly don't know.

Last night I spent over an hour "window shopping" through all of the gay guys within 100 miles and wasn't interested in a single one of them. I think there is a connection here... both of my former crushes that I've mentioned in here were real people in my life that I knew. Real people that in the real world I should have gotten to know better, determined if they were interested, and then either moved on with my life or asked out on a date. This was the missing step. Had I known with 100% certainty that they were straight I would have thought "oh well" and that would have been the end. Instead I had months or years of longing and wondering that made them seem more desirable. But even if they were both straight they had an advantage over every one of the online profile guys I looked at last night. They were real, in person, local, actual guys. I can't deal with meeting one more guy online and then commuting for dates. I hate that. Maybe I'm getting lazy, but I just don't want to drive for an hour or two just to make small talk over coffee or a plate of pasta. That leaves me with only the local options, which seem to be nonexistent. And now I'm back to my original plan - work on me and get the hell out of here so I can move to a better location for meeting the men folk. ;)

Warning: I'm Cranky

I am bored and cranky right now. I don't want to be at work. The weather sucks and I feel like I should have something more interesting to say but I can't think of anything but that sure won't stop me from rambling on about nothing for a while. I had a cold most of last week and postponed getting my wisdom teeth removed since the thought of sneezing with 3 gaping holes in my mouth made me want to cry. I went home for mothers day weekend and it was great to see my family, even if they are all insane. I was admitted back into the history department earlier this week but I haven't been "formally" admitted yet so I can't register for a summer class. I am tempted to take two classes this summer so I'm that much closer to being done but I only get one free class a semester and it would cost too much to take a second. I really only need 2-3 classes and to finish my "plan B thesis papers," which are mostly finished anyway. Things have been a little weird at home since my roommate started seeing some dude from Denver. I'm not sure I like him. I don't dislike him but he seems kind of like a goon and I don't understand why my roommate likes him since they have very little in common. I guess I'm happy that he's happy, in spite of the fact that I've been hiding out in my room for 3 weeks since they Skype in the middle of the living room for 2+ hours every night and it makes me want to puke. It might be time to look into finding my own place. I hate to move at this point though. Rent is cheap, it's hard (almost impossible) to find a place that accepts pets, and I plan on graduating in December. I seem to always be waiting on something. I often don't even know what it is that I'm waiting for. Some magical thing to fix everything? A new job? A boyfriend? A new town? All of the above? Something else? Who knows. I'm just tired and cranky and bored and lonely and want something. My summer project is me. I plan on working on myself so that I am ready to move on when the times comes. I plan on getting more active, going out, finishing my degree, and saving some money. I need fewer excuses to stay here. Sorry for the whiny post. It's May 12th and it's snowing. I just want spring.

Mission Accomplished

I received news a week ago that Representative Cynthia Lummis was planning on signing on as a cosponsor to the Safe Schools Improvement Act. I almost fell out of my chair. She hadn't officially filed the paperwork yet, so I wasn't allowed to say anything until her name showed up on the list of cosponsors on the LOC Thomas website. Yesterday her name showed up along with 2 others, bringing the total to 112 cosponsors in the House. It should be introduced in the Senate soon and I hope to see Senator Barrasso's name on that list of cosponsors. I'm not sure how much influence my meeting with Rep. Lummis had on her decision to cosponsor, but I'm still proud of my involvement in this.

I've been sick for the last few days. Not very sick, but still sick. I've spent most of the week at home in bed with the dogs watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 2 and finishing Doctor Who Season 4. I should have been getting my wisdom teeth out this very minute but I rescheduled for 2 weeks from now since I can't imagine sneezing with three holes in my mouth. Ouch!

I had my last Spectrum meeting as the adviser this week. There is a new student board in place and a new adviser lined up. I have a lot of mixed feelings about my decision to step down. I think it was the best thing for me and hopefully it's also best for the group. I am sad and feel like it's the end of an era. I was the last person left from "my group." Everyone that was here when I got here and first came out 5 years ago is now gone. One by one all of my friends have left. It's so strange. Of course I've made new friends but it's not quite the same. Ah nostalgia... Even though I'm sad I'm kind of happy and feel liberated. A huge weight is gone and I feel like I can move on. I'm (hopefully) taking a summer class and then another class next fall, maybe two classes in the fall. That should be enough to graduate next December. It will be weird to finally have no excuses to stay here. I've been sending out very select job applications lately. I have actually been sending them too, not just completing them and waiting for the job posting to lapse and then saying "oops, guess it wasn't meant to be." I feel good about the future.