Breate in... breathe out... rinse and repeat...

Ok, so I'm so stressed today that I actually feel a little sick. I have a TON to get done, so naturally I'm wasting my time writing a blog. But writing helps me to sort things out and feel less insane, so... there you have it!

Classes
My 1 credit historic preservation class continues to be a huge pain in the ass and take more time than my other 4 credits combined. Just a month to go and it's over though...
My 3 credit readings class isn't actually so bad. I'm kind of enjoying it even though it is a lot of reading. (Imagine that?) I'm barely holding on by the skin of my teeth but I am keeping up and doing well, which is good since this class is VITAL to my graduation.
My 1 credit internship... well, I haven't actually even started this work yet. Once I get going I can blast it out in a productive afternoon, I hope.

Work
I'm getting quite a bit done but I feel like I have a lot more on my plate than normal. I'm "helping" with an exhibit that will go up this summer but so far I'm not even sure what the exhibit is about or what my role is. I'm co curating it, but so far it's someone else's baby but it's still quite a bit of work.

Relationship
Oh Utah... sometimes he is so bat shit crazy that I don't know what to do with him. Sometimes he is so sweet that I can't imagine what I did to deserve him. We fought a lot yesterday. For the life of me, I couldn't tell you what we were fighting about but it wasn't fun. We did resolve everything, I think. Sometimes we are just a little too similar. He's basically me circa 2006/2007. He does so many of the same things I did in my last serious relationship except now I'm on the recieving end. All in all, he's wonderful but I wish he would just calm down and not rush things.

Possible New Job
I applied for a job in Arizona at the suggestion of my supervisor a couple months ago. I had a phone interview about a month ago. They contacted my references two weeks ago. Last Friday, they called to set up an on site interview. I'm so excited but I'm also sooo scared. This job sound perfect for me, it pays well, the people seem really nice, I loved this library when I was a student there... buuuuttt... It's scary to pack up your life and move somewhere. It's especiallys cary to move to somewhere you spent the most miserable year of your life, even if that had nothing to do with the area. And it's even scarier to move to ARIZONA! ;-) My current job is pretty much never going to pay more and it is exceptionally unlikely that I'll move up the ladder. Something had to change eventually, why not this? I've been "leaving" for years and now that it's looking like a possibility, I'm scared. Plus there is Utah. He is NOT ok with the idea of me moving to Arizona. But to be fair this job application process has been going on almost as long as I've known him and it's not like I was really itching to move to Mormon-ville. (Is that the next Zynga game?!) I guess as far as this relationship goes... something was bound to give. One or both of us has to move. Why can't this be the reason? Ultimately, he's going to have to get on board with this or not. There isn't really a middle ground.

Thoughts on Leaving
It's funny thinking that I might not be here in June. I've sort of felt myself letting go of certain things and it's liberating and scary at the same time. I love the church I belong to and it's sad to think I might not be here to see how the congregation grows and changes. It's nice to think I might not have to deal with another winter in Siberia but Flagstaff is just as snowy and unpredictable, just not quite as cold and windy. Then there are friends and relationships I've build up over the years... I will miss people so much... but now I'm about to make myself cry and I've not even been given a job offer. Sheesh...

So anyway... I guess this all seems managable again. I just need to use my time wisely, not think too much, and just take things one step at a time.

To let loose,
To let free,
To breathe in,
To breathe out,
Peace out.

Now I'm Like All Wise 'n Shit

Being 30 makes me feel like I should be a "grown up" now. I had no idea that my parents (and really all adults I ever met in my life) were just faking it all along. I don't feel any older or wiser. I guess that's half good at least. ;-)

I had a great birthday party this weekend. Over 30 people showed up at some point. Utah was here and pampered me all weekend. I'm not sure I could have asked for anything more on my 30th birthday!

Things are still complicated with Utah though. I feel almost guilty that I'm not as in love with him as he obviously is with me. I do love him but I guess I'm just a little more hesitant. We've only known each other since October. It is kind of comforting but also terrifying to think that he could be "the one." I guess it's best to just go with it and see what happens. I am happy and that's all that matters in the end.

Still no word from Arizona about the job. It's odd that they would be going to so much trouble behind the scenes but not actually contact me for almost a month. Oh well... all in time.

My dad seems to be in good spirits in spite of everything. He's back at Mayo's and might lose a kidney this week but the doctors were pretty convinced he would be fine with just one. It will be good to just have some sort of ending to this health scare. If he does have a kidney removed I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to go home this summer/spring for a couple of weeks and boot camp my parents. My dad has a horrible diet and my mom doesn't do anything to discourage him. If I'm going to adopt an Asian baby my dad damn well better be around to spoil it! (That's still totally unconfirmed... but I would like to adopt some day.)

So that's my update. I'm still crazy busy with classes but significantly less stressed than I was last week.

To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.

Still in the Running

I found out this morning that my references are being contacted this week for the job I interviewed for a few weeks ago. I assumed I was out of the running since I hadn't heard anything for several weeks and they indicated that they would be moving very quickly. I forgot that in the academic world "very quickly" means "not quite at a glacial speed." I'm not sure how I feel about this. I was almost relieved to think I was no longer being considered. It pays so much more and is a really cool job. The people that interviewed me seemed cool too. But... I have a cool job and work with cool people now so it would essentially be the money. Is it worth moving that far for (a lot) more money?

Then there is the "Utah" factor. He's made it very clear that he's not happy about this situation. It's only a little over an hour further but it's already an insanely long drive. To me "long distance is long distance" no matter what. But he seems to have some unspoken idea that I will move to be with him or "somehow" "something" is going to happen and we will end up in the same place. I think he would view my accepting this job (which hasn't been offered yet) as me choosing another destination over him. I don't see it that way as there is no offer for me in Utah and if it's so incredibly important that we be together he could consider moving for me if I'm making significantly more money than either of us currently is. I don't know... I'm just thinking out loud (in a blog). I hate to say it... but this job in Arizona is really really unique and desirable as Utah's job is incredibly common. It would be like a specialized civil rights lawyer giving up his job to be with his partner that works at Target. It just doesn't make sense. Oh well. Time will tell.

In other news... I turn 30 on Saturday. I'm not really worried about it. It's not like I will magically turn ancient over night. I'll still be immature and angst ridden when I'm 50! ;-) I'm having a big party and Utah is supposed to drive here to see me. He was supposed to leave tomorrow (Wednesday) and leave early on Sunday morning but he texted this morning saying he's broke until he gets paid on Friday so he might have to wait until then to come. This seems weird to me since he just has to pay for gas and he has a super efficient car that can go like 800 miles on $40. I have a hard time believing he can't scrape up $20 to get here since I will gladly keep him fed on Wednesday and Thursday. Maybe this is one of those weird "surprise" things. Seems odd.

In other other news... I got an iPhone yesterday. I love it! LOVE! <3 <3 <3 I'm not sure I'm important enough to justify needing to know if I got an email while I'm sitting on the toilet or watch a youtube video while waiting for a meeting... but it's nice to have the option. ;-)

Slow Down, Please?

I'm starting to think I took on way too much this semester. I'm taking 5 credits but it's really closer to 9 credits worth of work - which is a full time grad student. I'm working full time and actually doing work that needs to be done in a timely fashion. I'm working on a major exhibit with the associate director and that's going to be time consuming. I am barely keeping up with my homework. I am keeping up... but it's close. Narf... I can haz May?

Things are still going well with Utah. He's been really busy too so we haven't spoken much but he's planning on coming for my birthday in a week and a half. I'm actually kind of excited about turning 30. I'm having a big fun party. I need a pleasant distraction for a little while.

In other news, I just ordered an iPhone. I'm pretty excited about it! It should be here on or right after my birthday. This will also mean I'll finally be off of my parents contract so I will be 100% independent from them. They don't care. It just seems like at 30 I shouldn't need to depend on them for this sort of thing. Plus I think they are pretty stressed about money as it is...

My dad is back at the Mayo Clinic. He had surgery to remove a small tumor from his kidney a few months ago and the incision is not healing. They installed a second drain tube so that it can heal up. (I have no idea what it means to install a drain tube, but it sounds scary.) They are giving him 3 weeks to start healing and if he doesn't... they are going to have to take the kidney. That's pretty damn scary. He's diabetic, over weight, smokes, and is generally in poor health. They won't put him on a donor list unless he's on dialisis and healthier. This means if he had to get a kidney transplant it would have to come from a relative - enter his two sons. I don't want to even think about the prospect of being asked for a kidney. My dad has to go back to work by mid April or he'll lose his job. My poor mom is beside herself since they can't afford their house on just her salary. I wish I could be there when they get home on Monday so that I could at least help out around the house for a while... but I'm insanely busy and can't get away until May.

I'm sure it will all work out. It's just scary and I don't deal with this sort of thing well. The last time around I didn't tell anyone. And apparently I didn't even explain to Utah what was going on with my dad until a couple days ago. I didn't realize that I sometimes withdraw and keep things to myself when I don't want to deal with them. I guess I shouldn't be surprised... I didn't even admit to myself that I'm gay until I was in my 20's.

To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.

No More Games

Let's see... where did we last leave off in the saga of my dating life? It seems our hero (me) was whining about how crazy his boyfriend seemed to be and how needy he was being about everything. The needy boyfriend was going to drive from Utah just to see spend time with the whiny one (me) and there was a great deal of concern.

This was the third weekend we spent together and it was by far the best. He drove 6 hours, got a speeding ticket, and skated over icy roads that were closing behind him just to see me. He got here Wednesday night, later than he anticipated but still considerably earlier than the last time he visited me. We had big plans of going to the library so we could both get our homework out of the way but he didn't get here until about 11 so he had a slice of cold pizza (since I'm a horrible host and didn't have anything better prepared) and we went to bed. It felt nice to go to have someone in bed with me that wasn't a stinky dog that sheds like crazy.

The next morning we slept in and cuddled. I am a sucker for cuddling. We had a conversation about the recent drama and fighting and he managed to say the one thing that somehow made everything all better in my crazy head. Durring the height of our big fight I asked him hypothetically if he could be my friend if things went south. This was a test of sorts... I wanted him to say that yes we would stay friends no matter what but I soon realized this was a cruel thing to do to him. He delicately answered that he might be too hurt to stay friends but he would be willing to try after a certain amount of time. Last week in bed he further explained that he didn't want to just be my friend, he wants to be my best friend and that he realizes dating someone in a different state is difficult but he wants to make the effort.

It is difficult and I do have concerns and he does come across as a little crazy and needy sometimes but how often do you find someone willing to drive 300 miles just to spend the weekend with you? How often do you find someone that you can open up to and feel comfortable with after only a few months? How often do you find someone willing to make changes to his own life just to accomodate you? All along I was focusing on the few small differences that we have, rather than the many things we have in common. It's rare to find someone that wants all the same things out of life and is willing to compromise and work with you to get those things. So, just like that I stopped playing games. No more tests, no more doing things just to see how he would react... I let my guard down for the first time in years and let him into my life uninhibited. It was and still is terrifying but it's wonderful at the same time. And since doing that, he's been considerably less needy, and he's stopped playing games as well. It's so nice to look forward to talking to him and to be happy to find a text saying nothing more than "I love you" or "I miss you." Those same texts would have freaked me out and made me angry a week ago. Not now.

The rest of the weekend was great. We stayed in town and did some shopping. We went to the grocery store together. We went on a fun little day trip together. We cooked together and it all just worked. Simple. It's amazing what a difference a week can make.

I still have some very real concerns about how this can possibly all work out, but now I'm willing to try to let it work. We might both get hurt in the end, but at least we'll know we tried. Honestly, at the moment knowing that I COULD work out is just as scary as knowing that it might not. Time will tell.

In other news; the weather sucks, it's been insanely cold, I've heard nothing more about the job I interviewed for almost 2 weeks ago, and classes are kicking my ass.

I'm currently sitting in a computer lab "doing homework." I thought maybe a blog post would somehow inspire me to write a brilliant review of this boring article I'm reading. We'll see.

I guess that's my anthem these days... "We will see."