My weekend was pretty relaxing but punctuated with awkward moments. Friday I went out with some new people that I work with. We had a couple drinks and some food and chatted. It was mildly awkward, but I think it was just me. I have found I'm far more awkward in social situations recently than I ever was in the past. I managed to awkwardly out myself to them but it was in such a subtle way that I have no idea if they both got it or not. Either way, it was awkward. Oh and to make matters even more awkward... My most recent local crush that hosted the drag party last week was there with his new boyfriend, who as it turns out teaches 4th grade and is incredibly nice. So there I was in the middle of two tables. At one table are two young women I work with but barely met that I just awkwardly came out to. At the other table is my most recent ex with his new boyfriend and all his friends. I should have just started drinking heavily but I took the "high road" and just powered though and then went home.
Saturday my roommate had a Christmas party. Almost all of my friends were already gone for the holidays so it was primarily his friends, which I'm actually starting to count as my own friends now. Only half the people he expected ended up showing so it was... you guessed it... awkward. We had tiny fancy pizza, a somewhat forced and lame white elephant gift exchange (where I decided to give my Lego Yoda alarm clock away from the previous post) and then people left by about 9:00. It actually wasn't so bad and I got an INXS greatest hits cd out of it, so that's not so bad.
My roommate left early Sunday morning and his cute little dog went to stay with some mutual friends until I get back from my parents house. They had some concerns about my parents dog eating her or something... I think she would have been just fine but it's a little less stressful to have to worry about both dogs for a couple weeks. My poor doggy was all sad last night. We had a fun morning together where she was all happy and friendly and cuddly but then sometime around noon she realized she was lonely and unhappy and started looking for my roommate and his dog to come home. It's going to be a long winter break if she spends all of it at her post by the front door waiting for their return.
In other news... I have no idea what to think of my Utah boy still. I hate that he lives so far away and since we only talk at night as he's driving home from work and all I want to do is go to bed I'm starting to forget why I even like him. He just talks about how much he hates his job and the (fat) people he works with and he gets all road rage-y and he changes the conversation topic pretty randomly and often so it's really hard to actually say anything half way interesting or meaningful. It's really starting to bug me that he NEVER asks about how my day was or what I've been doing. To start with I saw it as sort of an opportunity to learn how to converse a little better with people that don't ask questions but now I'm starting to get insulted since he just seems to genuinely not care. Which is odd... since he talks about how much he loves me and how the things I say are "cute" and he's clearly crazy about me but I am starting to wonder why he even thinks that since 80% of my conversation is "uh huh," "that sucks," "too bad," "yeah" and that sort of thing in response to his complaints about various things. And I know it's mostly just because nobody is at their best at 10:45 at night when they just get off work and are driving home but all those less than pleasant conversations are starting to erase any memory of why I even liked him to begin with. And last night I snapped a little. After the third time of being interrupted or shot down when I was attempting to steer the conversation away from how much he hates something I said something and hurt his feelings. But then we continued to chat for over 30 minutes until he got home and then instead of saying goodnight since it was almost 11:30 he asked if he could call me back later. I said I was going to bed and we could talk the next day and he ignored it. Midnight rolls around and he called. I swore under my breath and answered since I knew he would just try again in 10 minutes if I didn't and I wanted to get to sleep. He knows that I go to work at 8 in the morning EVERY day but somehow that doesn't translate into the fact that I have to be up by 7 and that means I would like to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. And it would be one thing if he had something relevant to say... but he had nothing to say... and just blathered on for five minutes while I was not even pretending to care and then he was genuinely upset when I told him it was midnight and I needed to get some sleep. But on the other hand all he wanted was to "hear my voice" because he "likes talking with me." That's sweet... but also super inconvenient since it's always on his terms. I think he's WAY more into me than I am to him and I don't even know why since he doesn't know that much about me and doesn't seem that interested in learning. How in the hell is this supposed to work out?
To let loose.
To let free.
To breath in.
To breath out.
Peace out.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Meltdown
Today was a weird day. I feel better overall. Less stressed, my head is better, and I generally feel less horrible and S.A.D.-y. But today was still very weird and I was weird too.
The day started like a normal Tuesday. I got to work a couple minutes late, had some coffee, went to a meeting... no biggy. Except at the meeting it was announced that someone we work with was leaving. Not exactly breaking news since we all had known that for weeks. But then it was announced that someone that works with me would be picking up the slack by moving to another department. Let's call the person leaving "Smooze" and the person having to pick up the slack for him "Buzz." What makes this situation really awkward was that Smooze was going out of his way to get Buzz fired and now Smooze is leaving and Buzz gets to do two jobs to make up for it. Buzz was understandably upset about this situation, but to make matters worse... he found out the same time as the rest of us. He was never asked he was simply told. Never mind his contract... he now has a new job description for the next six months. He was visibly upset to the point of not even being able to clearly express his anger at the situation.
The managers where I work don't deal with change well. When even the most minor thing goes wrong they have one response - call a special meeting, invite none of the people most affected, come up with the least inspired solution possible, and then just wait for the people it affects to find out in ways that don't include actually telling them in person. If "Buzz" wasn't looking for a new job before, he probably is now and I wouldn't blame him. Actually, there are about 4 of us actively looking for new jobs.
Since one small thing changed at work, everyone was on edge. People that are normally very easy going started freaking out like the sky was falling. I was told to complete a tiny project by two different people before I had even finished my morning coffee. Granted, it needed to be done and was like 30 minutes worth of work but the way I was told to complete it indicated that if I didn't finish the missing text block for my exhibit then the entire universe would come to an abrupt and unpleasant end. This was the first of three such projects today. Each one was maybe 30 minutes worth of simple work but also THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER!!!!! So, that was weird and vaguely inconvenient.
My entire workplace seemed on the verge of a meltdown all day. My own meltdown didn't come along until around 7:43 this evening.
I was invited to a birthday party tonight. The birthday party of my most recent local crush from the days before my sweet Utah boy. We had a drink last week and that went well and we seemed to be figuring out this "being friends" thing, not that we were really ever anything other than friends. Oh, one other thing... it was a drag party. Sounds like fun but it was a Tuesday night and I have to work so I decided to go but to not go in drag. Asking all of your party guests to attend wearing special clothing, wigs, shoes, and makeup that will only be used once seems a little unreasonable so I figured I wouldn't be the only person to not show up in drag. I was. I have never in my life wished that I was stuffed into an ugly dress until tonight. It felt like I was a freshman in high school all over again. I doubt this still happens in many high schools, but when I went to school the seniors got to dress up the freshman during homecoming week and haze them. When I was a freshman, I was the only boy that wasn't dressed up. All my classmates were in awkward dresses and outfits except me, which was actually the only way to make the experience even more humiliating. And last night I got to relive that humiliation one more time. Additionally, I hadn't seen any of his friends in a couple of months and they were all in drag so I didn't recognize most people which added an additional level of awkward. AND to make matters worse he had a date that was basically my doppelganger only he was wearing a fabulous red dress. That was fine, I didn't care that he had moved on since I moved on myself but it does sting a bit to be preemptively dumped so that he could just be alone and not be in a relationship and then two months later he is dating some dude that looks a lot like me. After about twenty minutes I realized I was standing alone in a corner pretending to text and playing with the dog. That is the height of socially awkward. So, I made a very transparent excuse and got the hell out of there.
I felt awkward going home so soon so I went to Walmart and purchased a Lego Yoda alarm clock. Don't ask me why... I just needed it. Somehow buying something completely unnecessary made me feel better. I think I'll put it in my new office unless I give it away as a white elephant gift. Who am I kidding? I'm keeping it.
The day started like a normal Tuesday. I got to work a couple minutes late, had some coffee, went to a meeting... no biggy. Except at the meeting it was announced that someone we work with was leaving. Not exactly breaking news since we all had known that for weeks. But then it was announced that someone that works with me would be picking up the slack by moving to another department. Let's call the person leaving "Smooze" and the person having to pick up the slack for him "Buzz." What makes this situation really awkward was that Smooze was going out of his way to get Buzz fired and now Smooze is leaving and Buzz gets to do two jobs to make up for it. Buzz was understandably upset about this situation, but to make matters worse... he found out the same time as the rest of us. He was never asked he was simply told. Never mind his contract... he now has a new job description for the next six months. He was visibly upset to the point of not even being able to clearly express his anger at the situation.
The managers where I work don't deal with change well. When even the most minor thing goes wrong they have one response - call a special meeting, invite none of the people most affected, come up with the least inspired solution possible, and then just wait for the people it affects to find out in ways that don't include actually telling them in person. If "Buzz" wasn't looking for a new job before, he probably is now and I wouldn't blame him. Actually, there are about 4 of us actively looking for new jobs.
Since one small thing changed at work, everyone was on edge. People that are normally very easy going started freaking out like the sky was falling. I was told to complete a tiny project by two different people before I had even finished my morning coffee. Granted, it needed to be done and was like 30 minutes worth of work but the way I was told to complete it indicated that if I didn't finish the missing text block for my exhibit then the entire universe would come to an abrupt and unpleasant end. This was the first of three such projects today. Each one was maybe 30 minutes worth of simple work but also THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER!!!!! So, that was weird and vaguely inconvenient.
My entire workplace seemed on the verge of a meltdown all day. My own meltdown didn't come along until around 7:43 this evening.
I was invited to a birthday party tonight. The birthday party of my most recent local crush from the days before my sweet Utah boy. We had a drink last week and that went well and we seemed to be figuring out this "being friends" thing, not that we were really ever anything other than friends. Oh, one other thing... it was a drag party. Sounds like fun but it was a Tuesday night and I have to work so I decided to go but to not go in drag. Asking all of your party guests to attend wearing special clothing, wigs, shoes, and makeup that will only be used once seems a little unreasonable so I figured I wouldn't be the only person to not show up in drag. I was. I have never in my life wished that I was stuffed into an ugly dress until tonight. It felt like I was a freshman in high school all over again. I doubt this still happens in many high schools, but when I went to school the seniors got to dress up the freshman during homecoming week and haze them. When I was a freshman, I was the only boy that wasn't dressed up. All my classmates were in awkward dresses and outfits except me, which was actually the only way to make the experience even more humiliating. And last night I got to relive that humiliation one more time. Additionally, I hadn't seen any of his friends in a couple of months and they were all in drag so I didn't recognize most people which added an additional level of awkward. AND to make matters worse he had a date that was basically my doppelganger only he was wearing a fabulous red dress. That was fine, I didn't care that he had moved on since I moved on myself but it does sting a bit to be preemptively dumped so that he could just be alone and not be in a relationship and then two months later he is dating some dude that looks a lot like me. After about twenty minutes I realized I was standing alone in a corner pretending to text and playing with the dog. That is the height of socially awkward. So, I made a very transparent excuse and got the hell out of there.
I felt awkward going home so soon so I went to Walmart and purchased a Lego Yoda alarm clock. Don't ask me why... I just needed it. Somehow buying something completely unnecessary made me feel better. I think I'll put it in my new office unless I give it away as a white elephant gift. Who am I kidding? I'm keeping it.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Blerg
(I've been watching waaaaayyy too much 30 Rock lately.)
I've not felt right for a week or two. I think my seasonal affective disorder is starting to get to me. But I'm all moved into my new "office" at work so maybe that will help. It's just the cubicle next to the one I've always had but at least it has an awkwardly placed narrow window slit to let some natural light into my space. So, I guess that's an improvement. Work has been about the same as always. I'm working on some vaguely interesting projects and kind of just putting in my time. Someone resigned last week and will be gone in January. Who knows if we get his position back to be able to hire someone new. My supervisor was quizzing me about what my "ideal" job would be and if I was interested in becoming faculty. I think a couple of people will be attempting to get me promoted and a new job created for me in the coming year. That is really sweet and flattering but at the same time I'm not entirely sure I want to stick around long enough for that to be worth their effort. Course... I assume they are going to the effort to get me to stay. It's hard to explain to them that if I do leave, it's not because of my job. I actually like my job. I just don't make nearly enough, I hate how isolated I feel most of the time, and honestly... I hate going home to an eccentric Eastern European roommate rather than a boyfriend or a spouse and I don't see myself meeting "Mr. Right" while I'm living here. (More on "the perfect job" and dating later.)
I've had a headache for almost a week. It started last Tuesday afternoon and it's just about gone now. I think it started as a stress headache and then persisted because I was dehydrated and didn't realize it. Someone suggested that I might be dehydrated yesterday so I drank water like a fish the rest of the day and actually felt better last night. But the original cause was most certainly stress. I hadn't realized just how much I had been holding in since I'm usually a very open person but sometime in the last two or three weeks I just closed up and quit sharing. So... here is the brain dump:
My dad was at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN for a week to have a tumor removed from his kidney. It was large and cancerous but luckily it was slow growing and had not spread. He kept the kidney (you can live with one but he's diabetic so he needs both) and it hadn't spread so he doesn't need any chemo or radiation. Thank God for that. He also has a spot on his lung (so thankfully he had to quit smoking) and he had "something" removed from his eye. I have no idea what was removed, it seemed like a last minute thing and I never got the entire story other than the fact that my dad didn't get an eye patch and he wanted one. So, that was stressful enough and then I had to worry about my mom driving my dad home through 2 states, which wouldn't be an issue except she's on a ton of pain medication for her messed up back and nerve damage. She sometimes just falls asleep. So for two days I had to worry about them traveling home safely. Luckily they brought my grandma with them and she drove across half of South Dakota. She hates driving, by the way.
Other stress factors: School and graduating. I was taking one class and had a final paper due last Thursday. I waited until the last minute to start writing it of course. I started the research in early October but waited until the week it was due to actually start writing the paper so that was stressful. It was made even worse because I HAVE to get an A+++++++++ on it so that I get an A in the class and can graduate in May without having to take additional classes. No pressure or anything. My last class is still being taught in the spring semester as far as I know but if I have a B in either class I'll need an additional credit to be able to graduate. I also have to deal with all the other department graduation requirements next semester, the paperwork, the committees, the language requirement, the thesis, the defense, and who knows what other bullshit they will throw my way.
Other stress: I have a boyfriend in Salt Lake City. That sounds weird to me but it's true. He came here to visit me and I went there two weekends ago to visit him. I HATED the drive. It was around 6 hours and boring as hell. I was stressed the entire way there and the entire way back since I need new back tires and the weather wasn't exactly bad but it wasn't exactly good either. I'm still not sure what to think of him. I fell in love with him almost instantly, which is weird but true. I don't know why though. He is a great guy and super sweet but there were a few times when I was with him in SLC that I was not entirely sure I even liked him. He's kind of the class clown at times and always trying to get attention, which is irritating if you are the only one around and you grew up hating the class clown because you were often the source of his material. But we had a talk at one point and he admitted that he's been acting strangely since I intimidate him. I find it hard to believe that anyone could be intimidated by me, but he's not the first to say so. He's so clearly in love with me and terrified that I won't like him back that he's trying too hard. If he would just calm down and be himself things would be easier. I swore I would never be in another long distance relationship and this one is absurdly long distance. I'm not sure what to do or think. He's great but it's impossible to properly get to know someone that you only see once a month. But... at the same time I really like this guy. I don't know why, but I do. I just feel comfortable around him and he does make me laugh when he's not trying. And when he's just still and himself I find myself falling in love with him. This all scares me a lot.
In other news... I was making my usual online rounds of looking at what jobs are being offered and noticed that what could be called my "ideal job" is being offered at my old university in Arizona. It's basically all the best parts of my current job without all the parts I hate, with a huge raise. I'm about 95% qualified for it and if I just sold myself properly I would seem like the ideal candidate for the position. But... I'm not sure how I would feel about living in Flagstaff again. I was so unhappy there but that was due to my own personal issues of coming out. My final semester there was pretty good though. But even with that aside, I'm not sure Flagstaff is an improvement over my current situation. It's slighly larger, the weather is similar, the political climate is similar, but it's not exactly a large city and the gay population isn't all that large. I would be making a lot more money and working at a really cool job so maybe just a slight improvement is better than nothing. It doesn't solve the going home to an empty house problem though. And it is even further from SLC. Course... that can never work out unless one of us moves to be with the other and that can never really happen until I feel that might work and that can't work until I get to know him better and that can't happen until we can spend more time together... so that little cycle can't really end unless something changes and someone (me) takes a leap of faith.
See why I've felt insane for the last couple weeks?! Too much. But writing this all out actually made me feel better. I feel like maybe I was just letting a lot of small things pile up. Ok, most of those are pretty huge things but my parents are safely at home, my dad is recovering, my class is over, I might as well apply for the job at NAU and just see what happens, and as far as my guy in SLC... I don't know. I just need to take things a day at a time and see what happens.
To let loose.
To let free.
To breath in.
To breath out.
Peace out.
I've not felt right for a week or two. I think my seasonal affective disorder is starting to get to me. But I'm all moved into my new "office" at work so maybe that will help. It's just the cubicle next to the one I've always had but at least it has an awkwardly placed narrow window slit to let some natural light into my space. So, I guess that's an improvement. Work has been about the same as always. I'm working on some vaguely interesting projects and kind of just putting in my time. Someone resigned last week and will be gone in January. Who knows if we get his position back to be able to hire someone new. My supervisor was quizzing me about what my "ideal" job would be and if I was interested in becoming faculty. I think a couple of people will be attempting to get me promoted and a new job created for me in the coming year. That is really sweet and flattering but at the same time I'm not entirely sure I want to stick around long enough for that to be worth their effort. Course... I assume they are going to the effort to get me to stay. It's hard to explain to them that if I do leave, it's not because of my job. I actually like my job. I just don't make nearly enough, I hate how isolated I feel most of the time, and honestly... I hate going home to an eccentric Eastern European roommate rather than a boyfriend or a spouse and I don't see myself meeting "Mr. Right" while I'm living here. (More on "the perfect job" and dating later.)
I've had a headache for almost a week. It started last Tuesday afternoon and it's just about gone now. I think it started as a stress headache and then persisted because I was dehydrated and didn't realize it. Someone suggested that I might be dehydrated yesterday so I drank water like a fish the rest of the day and actually felt better last night. But the original cause was most certainly stress. I hadn't realized just how much I had been holding in since I'm usually a very open person but sometime in the last two or three weeks I just closed up and quit sharing. So... here is the brain dump:
My dad was at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN for a week to have a tumor removed from his kidney. It was large and cancerous but luckily it was slow growing and had not spread. He kept the kidney (you can live with one but he's diabetic so he needs both) and it hadn't spread so he doesn't need any chemo or radiation. Thank God for that. He also has a spot on his lung (so thankfully he had to quit smoking) and he had "something" removed from his eye. I have no idea what was removed, it seemed like a last minute thing and I never got the entire story other than the fact that my dad didn't get an eye patch and he wanted one. So, that was stressful enough and then I had to worry about my mom driving my dad home through 2 states, which wouldn't be an issue except she's on a ton of pain medication for her messed up back and nerve damage. She sometimes just falls asleep. So for two days I had to worry about them traveling home safely. Luckily they brought my grandma with them and she drove across half of South Dakota. She hates driving, by the way.
Other stress factors: School and graduating. I was taking one class and had a final paper due last Thursday. I waited until the last minute to start writing it of course. I started the research in early October but waited until the week it was due to actually start writing the paper so that was stressful. It was made even worse because I HAVE to get an A+++++++++ on it so that I get an A in the class and can graduate in May without having to take additional classes. No pressure or anything. My last class is still being taught in the spring semester as far as I know but if I have a B in either class I'll need an additional credit to be able to graduate. I also have to deal with all the other department graduation requirements next semester, the paperwork, the committees, the language requirement, the thesis, the defense, and who knows what other bullshit they will throw my way.
Other stress: I have a boyfriend in Salt Lake City. That sounds weird to me but it's true. He came here to visit me and I went there two weekends ago to visit him. I HATED the drive. It was around 6 hours and boring as hell. I was stressed the entire way there and the entire way back since I need new back tires and the weather wasn't exactly bad but it wasn't exactly good either. I'm still not sure what to think of him. I fell in love with him almost instantly, which is weird but true. I don't know why though. He is a great guy and super sweet but there were a few times when I was with him in SLC that I was not entirely sure I even liked him. He's kind of the class clown at times and always trying to get attention, which is irritating if you are the only one around and you grew up hating the class clown because you were often the source of his material. But we had a talk at one point and he admitted that he's been acting strangely since I intimidate him. I find it hard to believe that anyone could be intimidated by me, but he's not the first to say so. He's so clearly in love with me and terrified that I won't like him back that he's trying too hard. If he would just calm down and be himself things would be easier. I swore I would never be in another long distance relationship and this one is absurdly long distance. I'm not sure what to do or think. He's great but it's impossible to properly get to know someone that you only see once a month. But... at the same time I really like this guy. I don't know why, but I do. I just feel comfortable around him and he does make me laugh when he's not trying. And when he's just still and himself I find myself falling in love with him. This all scares me a lot.
In other news... I was making my usual online rounds of looking at what jobs are being offered and noticed that what could be called my "ideal job" is being offered at my old university in Arizona. It's basically all the best parts of my current job without all the parts I hate, with a huge raise. I'm about 95% qualified for it and if I just sold myself properly I would seem like the ideal candidate for the position. But... I'm not sure how I would feel about living in Flagstaff again. I was so unhappy there but that was due to my own personal issues of coming out. My final semester there was pretty good though. But even with that aside, I'm not sure Flagstaff is an improvement over my current situation. It's slighly larger, the weather is similar, the political climate is similar, but it's not exactly a large city and the gay population isn't all that large. I would be making a lot more money and working at a really cool job so maybe just a slight improvement is better than nothing. It doesn't solve the going home to an empty house problem though. And it is even further from SLC. Course... that can never work out unless one of us moves to be with the other and that can never really happen until I feel that might work and that can't work until I get to know him better and that can't happen until we can spend more time together... so that little cycle can't really end unless something changes and someone (me) takes a leap of faith.
See why I've felt insane for the last couple weeks?! Too much. But writing this all out actually made me feel better. I feel like maybe I was just letting a lot of small things pile up. Ok, most of those are pretty huge things but my parents are safely at home, my dad is recovering, my class is over, I might as well apply for the job at NAU and just see what happens, and as far as my guy in SLC... I don't know. I just need to take things a day at a time and see what happens.
To let loose.
To let free.
To breath in.
To breath out.
Peace out.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Been a While-ish
I guess I'm leaving in a couple hours to see my guy in Utah. I've gone back and forth and up and down about him since he visited me a couple weeks ago. I'm sure I'm over thinking everything since I do that. I suspect I'm going to have a wonderful time with him. We had a lot of fun while he was here and the issues I've been worrying about only pop up over the phone. I hate talking on the phone. I hate struggling to come up with conversation topics when he calls at 10:45 at night and I'm happy to hear his voice but I really just want to go to sleep. I hate that we both fill empty space on the phone with random shit that pops into our heads. I hate that he's leaving his job and driving home when we talk since that's pretty much when we are all at our worst. I hate that I don't understand his humor sometimes. And I am concerned that at least some of the time when he's "joking" about something he actually means it but gets to play it off as a joke while actually saying what he means. I wish I could come up with an example... I guess I should take that as an indication that I'm probably over thinking the situation. Anyway, I have some reservations about this drive/ trip and I'm trying to vent them before I leave so that I can get there with a fresh head. I don't want to sabotage myself so I know I have to arrive happy to see him and give the weekend a fair chance to play out properly. It's a beautiful day and I'm kind of looking forward to the drive. Once I'm there I think he has several fun things planned and I might run into a couple of old friends. Ultimately, I'm sure this will be a fun weekend and a nice diversion from my regular life for a while. Yeah... I think that's a good frame... no need to stress out about imaginary issues. I can do that when I get back home on Sunday. ;-)
To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.
To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Bursting with Change, Then Not...
So... my Utah man has come and gone. I can't believe someone actually drove over six hours on snowy, icy roads just to see me. He got here around 1:00 in the morning Thursday night/ Friday morning and it was just like he was getting home. Not weird, not awkward, just good. It should have been awkward since it was the middle of the night and we went to bed like an hour later, but it wasn't. I think I kissed him less than 10 minutes after he got in the door. That's pretty unlike me. Well, maybe not... chemistry is instant and 100% or not at all with me. We spent a great weekend together not really doing anything at all. It was wonderful. I'm still kind of reeling and trying to figure it all out. For a fraction of a second I allowed myself to think "wow, this could really be the one..." and that really should have scared me but it didn't and then THAT did scare me. ;-) I'm dumb. I was so excited that the first thing I did on Monday morning was find and apply for a job where he lives. I was playing it off as no big deal (and it is a perfect job for me) but inside I was kind of getting excited about the prospect of leaving and possibly having a real relationship with someone that seems great. I had it all planned out... I was going to get the job, I was going to move, it was all going to somehow work out in spite of the fact that I don't have enough money to be able to survive a move. I was going to get there and take one credit of something to keep my degree open and then my last class was supposed to be an online class over the summer and then I was going to be done with my degree and not have to suffer through one more winter in Siberia alone and cold. It was an exciting (if a little irrational) prospect.
Then yesterday happened. It seemed like wonderful news... and it was. I got to work late after sort of accidentally over sleeping. I got to my office without anyone really noticing that I was late and a few minutes later I got an email. The email said something about how another student requested the class I need to graduate and that they were going to offer it to her as a readings course and that I could take it too if I wanted. I was momentarily pissed that I was an afterthought after two years of bitching and begging to take this class. But then I realized... HOT DAMN, I'm going to be done a semester sooner than I expected! I was all excited and it seemed to work out perfectly since it's a readings class... that meant one reading each week for 15 weeks and a review. Heck, I can do that ANYWHERE! Yay! The universe allowed me roughly 24 hours of bliss... thinking I was going to graduate early and get away and live happily every after and SOON! Then the other shoe dropped. There is a discussion aspect to the class. A weekly, mandatory discussion... and it's on Friday morning... every Friday morning from January through April. That kills any and all chance of leaving this dump any time soon. It also kills any chance of spending any significant amount of time with the Utah guy since his days off are Friday and Saturday.
I feel sort of stupid now... falling in love in one weekend... making plans to move for a guy... actually applying for a job that is perfect and would start in around the start of the new year. It was exciting and fresh and unexpected and made me happy. And now... it's all gone. I feel like I should be happy and I will be happy since I'm getting exactly what I've wanted for almost two years. I get to take my last class and graduate and that's wonderful! I guess it just sucks to give up a better dream... one that I usually don't let myself indulge in.
To let loose,
To let free,
To breath in,
To breath out,
Peace out.
Then yesterday happened. It seemed like wonderful news... and it was. I got to work late after sort of accidentally over sleeping. I got to my office without anyone really noticing that I was late and a few minutes later I got an email. The email said something about how another student requested the class I need to graduate and that they were going to offer it to her as a readings course and that I could take it too if I wanted. I was momentarily pissed that I was an afterthought after two years of bitching and begging to take this class. But then I realized... HOT DAMN, I'm going to be done a semester sooner than I expected! I was all excited and it seemed to work out perfectly since it's a readings class... that meant one reading each week for 15 weeks and a review. Heck, I can do that ANYWHERE! Yay! The universe allowed me roughly 24 hours of bliss... thinking I was going to graduate early and get away and live happily every after and SOON! Then the other shoe dropped. There is a discussion aspect to the class. A weekly, mandatory discussion... and it's on Friday morning... every Friday morning from January through April. That kills any and all chance of leaving this dump any time soon. It also kills any chance of spending any significant amount of time with the Utah guy since his days off are Friday and Saturday.
I feel sort of stupid now... falling in love in one weekend... making plans to move for a guy... actually applying for a job that is perfect and would start in around the start of the new year. It was exciting and fresh and unexpected and made me happy. And now... it's all gone. I feel like I should be happy and I will be happy since I'm getting exactly what I've wanted for almost two years. I get to take my last class and graduate and that's wonderful! I guess it just sucks to give up a better dream... one that I usually don't let myself indulge in.
To let loose,
To let free,
To breath in,
To breath out,
Peace out.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Check out that smile!
Someone had never been given flowers... now he has! Check out that smile! So worth it!
13 Year Old Girl
Yes, it's true. I have turned into a 13 year old girl. I have been observed talking on the phone for hours on end and saying things like "no, you're sweet." It's disgusting and kind of makes me want to puke but I love it at the same time. It is a little concerning... I don't act like this. I hate talking on the phone. I hate texting. I hate driving. I don't even drive to the next town to spend time with friends I've known for years, let alone visit some dude 6 hours away. I swore I would never be in another long distance relationship ever again. But here I am... deep into "like-like" with a guy that I've yet to actually meet in person. There is just something about him. It's stupid... but he knows to not use "alot" ever, even in text messages, he knows all the lyrics to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song, he doesn't do drugs, he has a culinary degree and a black belt in kung fu - and all those things are somehow really important to me and I have no idea why. Fuck, I'm even making a mix tape for him. How gross is that? But seriously... I love it. Just 6 days, 16 hours until he's here... +/- an hour. Not that I'm counting down or anything.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Whoa...
Halloween has come and gone once again. We had a really great party at my house with lots of fun guests, many in fun costumes. I was a scary trucker. A little too scary actually. ;-) My roommate was in drag again. This time much nicer than the year before. It was fun! The party was Friday night, which meant I was pretty worthless Saturday and ended up just staying in to wath movies and take a hot bath. I kind of wish I had gone to Rocky Horror Picture Show but oh well... another year.
My boy in Utah continues to confuse me. But he confuses me because I like him so much. I'm not sure I've ever had this intense of feelings so quickly for someone that I haven't even met in person yet. We've been talking on the phone a lot and texting pretty much constantly. He's my last thought at night and my first in the morning. And... I feel like that's something that would gross me out and scare me in the past. He's coming to visit me in 11 days. Not that I'm counting down or anything... And that's something that I feel like I wouldn't let anyone do in the past. This dude has me all messed up, but in the most wonderful sort of way. What the hell? I don't get crushes on people that live 7 hours away that I haven't met. I don't like talking on the phone. I don't like sending umpteen thousand texts a day that say cheese ball things like "xoxo" or "thinking of you." This is not me! I don't get it. Oh, and for the record... whatever concerns I had in my last blog are mostly gone. It's so hard to tell if someone is a psycho or if they are just really into you. One is scary, the other is sweet. Hell... they are both scary but one is in a good way. I have a feeling that my life is about to get very complicated.
My boy in Utah continues to confuse me. But he confuses me because I like him so much. I'm not sure I've ever had this intense of feelings so quickly for someone that I haven't even met in person yet. We've been talking on the phone a lot and texting pretty much constantly. He's my last thought at night and my first in the morning. And... I feel like that's something that would gross me out and scare me in the past. He's coming to visit me in 11 days. Not that I'm counting down or anything... And that's something that I feel like I wouldn't let anyone do in the past. This dude has me all messed up, but in the most wonderful sort of way. What the hell? I don't get crushes on people that live 7 hours away that I haven't met. I don't like talking on the phone. I don't like sending umpteen thousand texts a day that say cheese ball things like "xoxo" or "thinking of you." This is not me! I don't get it. Oh, and for the record... whatever concerns I had in my last blog are mostly gone. It's so hard to tell if someone is a psycho or if they are just really into you. One is scary, the other is sweet. Hell... they are both scary but one is in a good way. I have a feeling that my life is about to get very complicated.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Psycho in a Tinfoil Hat
Sometimes your knight in shining armor turns out to be a psycho in a tinfoil hat.
More on that later...
Work has been good this week. I have a cool new collection to work on and I'm enjoying writing the finding aid. Plus it's not every day I have something in my office worth more than the house I'm living in. That's a bit scary actually. Oh and I'm getting a new "office." I guess it's nice that I'm being offered a new work space but it's really just the cubicle next to the one I already have. It's slightly bigger and has a window. Whoo hoo... moving up in the world. But I'm only getting it because the two other people in my department are being given real offices with doors and real furniture that isn't bolted down and everything. I suppose I should just be thankful.
My class is kind of kicking my butt lately. I missed one day last week when we had a quiz. I took the quiz today. Have I mentioned how much I hate quizzes? Because I do. A lot. I have an assignment due tonight that should take about an hour to complete if I just sit down and do it. I just hate doing homework after being at work all day.
Tonight I'm going to a lecture with the most recent local crush. I haven't heard from him in a week since I decided I was no longer going to contact him until he figures out what in the hell he wants from me. I guess it worked since he basically invited me to something he knew I was already going to. Oh well. I'm hardly in a place to turn down a friend since there are like 9 people in this entire town that I can stand going out into public with.
So, I met some random dude online a week or so ago. He lives several hours away. We wrote back and forth for a while, graduated to IMing, then started talking on the phone -nightly. I have to admit that I have a bit of a crush on him. It's just so stupid since he lives like 7 hours away. I don't drive to the next town over to go on a date, let alone schlep my ass to the next state. Also, the age of the text message sucks. It is impossible to convey any level of sarcasm or humor in just a few words. Hence... he is kind of coming across as a needy crazy person at the moment and I'm probably coming across as a cold jerk. Ultimately I guess it doesn't matter. I'm pretty much booked until spring with homework, field trips, church things, family things, and other stuff. I am a little surprised about how much I'm into this dude though and still evaluating if he's a knight or a psycho or something between. Oh well.
To let loose.
To let free.
To breath in.
To breath out.
Peace out.
More on that later...
Work has been good this week. I have a cool new collection to work on and I'm enjoying writing the finding aid. Plus it's not every day I have something in my office worth more than the house I'm living in. That's a bit scary actually. Oh and I'm getting a new "office." I guess it's nice that I'm being offered a new work space but it's really just the cubicle next to the one I already have. It's slightly bigger and has a window. Whoo hoo... moving up in the world. But I'm only getting it because the two other people in my department are being given real offices with doors and real furniture that isn't bolted down and everything. I suppose I should just be thankful.
My class is kind of kicking my butt lately. I missed one day last week when we had a quiz. I took the quiz today. Have I mentioned how much I hate quizzes? Because I do. A lot. I have an assignment due tonight that should take about an hour to complete if I just sit down and do it. I just hate doing homework after being at work all day.
Tonight I'm going to a lecture with the most recent local crush. I haven't heard from him in a week since I decided I was no longer going to contact him until he figures out what in the hell he wants from me. I guess it worked since he basically invited me to something he knew I was already going to. Oh well. I'm hardly in a place to turn down a friend since there are like 9 people in this entire town that I can stand going out into public with.
So, I met some random dude online a week or so ago. He lives several hours away. We wrote back and forth for a while, graduated to IMing, then started talking on the phone -nightly. I have to admit that I have a bit of a crush on him. It's just so stupid since he lives like 7 hours away. I don't drive to the next town over to go on a date, let alone schlep my ass to the next state. Also, the age of the text message sucks. It is impossible to convey any level of sarcasm or humor in just a few words. Hence... he is kind of coming across as a needy crazy person at the moment and I'm probably coming across as a cold jerk. Ultimately I guess it doesn't matter. I'm pretty much booked until spring with homework, field trips, church things, family things, and other stuff. I am a little surprised about how much I'm into this dude though and still evaluating if he's a knight or a psycho or something between. Oh well.
To let loose.
To let free.
To breath in.
To breath out.
Peace out.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Mysteries
Mystery #1: Solved
I went to visit my friend in the hospital last night since I was told that visiting hours were in the "evening." I showed up right at 5:00 and a nice hospital employee walked me up to the 3rd floor and pointed out the creepy intercom system that I had to use to ask to be let in. I asked for my friend and was told there wasn't a patient there by that day... I tried every version of his name and then slowly spelled his last name emphasizing various letters, as if I were trying to guess a secret magic word that would open the door. No luck. I turned and walked away feeling rejected by an intercom speaker. I decided to ask the front desk if maybe he was moved to a regular room. No luck. He was just gone. A few phone calls later and I found out he was transferred out hours before. I have no idea how long he'll be gone or when he'll be back, if ever. I'm a little upset that I didn't get to see him. It's not like I'm seeking credit for spending hours in a cold smelly waiting room just to see if he would survive but I think it's important for him to know that people were there for him. I guess the next part of his journey has to be taken alone.
Mystery #2: Solved
I was at work yesterday and got to do a little detective work. Some glass plate negatives of some fairly important Native American leaders from the late 1800's were "missing." I eventually found them. It's a little crazy that something so important could get "lost" but when you have literally countless items in a building that are all one of a kind... it happens sometimes. It makes me happy to do something like that. Research that leads directly to an end result is rare in my line of work. Today I'm going to work on reuniting the two halves of the collection in whatever way I'm able.
Mystery #3: Unsolved
This isn't so much a mystery as a two part musing. Part one: boys are stupid. Part two: why are all the best ones elsewhere? Well... that second part is easy, I live in the middle of nowhere and there are like 9 gay guys my own age that live within 50 miles and most of those I don't want. Strike that, I don't want any of them. I haven't specifically contacted my most recent crush since last week (when he preemptively broke up with me for the second time). He's made no attempt to contact me either. Well... that's not true... he did send me a text earlier in the week to see if I was ok. I guess that was sweet of him. Fuck, I forgot that and remembering makes it harder to be mad at him. Oh well. Doesn't matter. He doesn't want me and as much as that stings I have to just move on with my life and not care. In spite of all the emotional turmoil I've been dealing with this week I've somehow managed to meet three guys and I have a date with one of them coming up. Unfortunately... only one lives here. I've known of him through mutual friends for years but kind of forgot about him. I don't think we will be be especially compatible for dating but we'll have our little coffee date and see what happens. The second lives in the next town over, he's a little too young, and smokes but seems like a good guy. The third I have a pretty big crush on. He is exactly my age, meets all but one of my insane requirements (location), has silvering hair (which apparently I find sexy), thinks alliteration is funny (which I also find sexy), and has a slight Australian accent (which I find REALLY sexy). Too bad he lives over six hours away. We spoke on the phone last night for quite a while.
Mystery #4: Unsolved
My roommate seems to have taken a short break from his whoring road trip. He drove a couple of hours to see Random Guy #4 on Monday night - the same night I really needed to NOT be alone since I had spent the entire evening in a waiting room wondering if my friend would live or die. He gave me a big hug and listened to me when he got home (past midnight) which was great. That's twice in one week that he's come home to find me sobbing and consoled me. That counts for a lot I guess. He was supposed to go on a 7 hour road trip to see some dude this weekend but canceled that when my life went crazy. That worked out since I actually have a field trip on Saturday and the dogs would have been alone for like 10 hours otherwise.
Mystery #5: Solved
I'm going to main campus to eat a donut. :-P
I went to visit my friend in the hospital last night since I was told that visiting hours were in the "evening." I showed up right at 5:00 and a nice hospital employee walked me up to the 3rd floor and pointed out the creepy intercom system that I had to use to ask to be let in. I asked for my friend and was told there wasn't a patient there by that day... I tried every version of his name and then slowly spelled his last name emphasizing various letters, as if I were trying to guess a secret magic word that would open the door. No luck. I turned and walked away feeling rejected by an intercom speaker. I decided to ask the front desk if maybe he was moved to a regular room. No luck. He was just gone. A few phone calls later and I found out he was transferred out hours before. I have no idea how long he'll be gone or when he'll be back, if ever. I'm a little upset that I didn't get to see him. It's not like I'm seeking credit for spending hours in a cold smelly waiting room just to see if he would survive but I think it's important for him to know that people were there for him. I guess the next part of his journey has to be taken alone.
Mystery #2: Solved
I was at work yesterday and got to do a little detective work. Some glass plate negatives of some fairly important Native American leaders from the late 1800's were "missing." I eventually found them. It's a little crazy that something so important could get "lost" but when you have literally countless items in a building that are all one of a kind... it happens sometimes. It makes me happy to do something like that. Research that leads directly to an end result is rare in my line of work. Today I'm going to work on reuniting the two halves of the collection in whatever way I'm able.
Mystery #3: Unsolved
This isn't so much a mystery as a two part musing. Part one: boys are stupid. Part two: why are all the best ones elsewhere? Well... that second part is easy, I live in the middle of nowhere and there are like 9 gay guys my own age that live within 50 miles and most of those I don't want. Strike that, I don't want any of them. I haven't specifically contacted my most recent crush since last week (when he preemptively broke up with me for the second time). He's made no attempt to contact me either. Well... that's not true... he did send me a text earlier in the week to see if I was ok. I guess that was sweet of him. Fuck, I forgot that and remembering makes it harder to be mad at him. Oh well. Doesn't matter. He doesn't want me and as much as that stings I have to just move on with my life and not care. In spite of all the emotional turmoil I've been dealing with this week I've somehow managed to meet three guys and I have a date with one of them coming up. Unfortunately... only one lives here. I've known of him through mutual friends for years but kind of forgot about him. I don't think we will be be especially compatible for dating but we'll have our little coffee date and see what happens. The second lives in the next town over, he's a little too young, and smokes but seems like a good guy. The third I have a pretty big crush on. He is exactly my age, meets all but one of my insane requirements (location), has silvering hair (which apparently I find sexy), thinks alliteration is funny (which I also find sexy), and has a slight Australian accent (which I find REALLY sexy). Too bad he lives over six hours away. We spoke on the phone last night for quite a while.
Mystery #4: Unsolved
My roommate seems to have taken a short break from his whoring road trip. He drove a couple of hours to see Random Guy #4 on Monday night - the same night I really needed to NOT be alone since I had spent the entire evening in a waiting room wondering if my friend would live or die. He gave me a big hug and listened to me when he got home (past midnight) which was great. That's twice in one week that he's come home to find me sobbing and consoled me. That counts for a lot I guess. He was supposed to go on a 7 hour road trip to see some dude this weekend but canceled that when my life went crazy. That worked out since I actually have a field trip on Saturday and the dogs would have been alone for like 10 hours otherwise.
Mystery #5: Solved
I'm going to main campus to eat a donut. :-P
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Sighs Too Deep For Words
Wow, it's been a crazy few days. First of all... it sucks when something truly horrible happens and puts the normal BS into perspective. Long story short: a friend tried to kill himself and I spent about 36 hours not knowing if he would live or die. He lived, thank GOD! I'm not sure I want to say anything more than that.
It was amazing to see the outpouring of support offered by my friends and family. I am truly blessed with some wonderful people in my life.
It seems like I had a lot more to say in this blog but now I don't know what. I guess I'm just grateful for everything. I complain a lot and I'm pretty discontent in my current position but it could be SOOO much worse.
To let loose
To let free
To breath in
To breath out
Peace out
It was amazing to see the outpouring of support offered by my friends and family. I am truly blessed with some wonderful people in my life.
It seems like I had a lot more to say in this blog but now I don't know what. I guess I'm just grateful for everything. I complain a lot and I'm pretty discontent in my current position but it could be SOOO much worse.
To let loose
To let free
To breath in
To breath out
Peace out
Monday, October 18, 2010
Survived the Weekend of Horror
So I already complained about being preemptively dumped by the same guy twice. A few notes on that: I think the phone call on Friday came out of his feeling guilty about seeing other people and he wouldn't feel guilty if he didn't like and care about me. I did expect him to date. But I'm still confused about what he wants from me. I backed off SIGNIFICANTLY after the first time he broke up with me. We agreed to still hang out and be friends, which I thought we had. Bottom line, boys are fucking stupid.
I woke up Saturday morning with red puffy eyes, a slight hang over, pissed about wasting my tears on someone that no longer deserves them, and I had a song stuck in my head... "if you need water, I'll be your river..." I had the entire song stuck in my head but I couldn't place it. Where had I heard this song and how do I know it. Turns out it was by Cyndi Lauper. I heard it on a cd I recently bought but didn't realize I was even paying attention to that song. It's beautiful and I love Cyndi Lauper for it.
You like the flame and you are drawn by desire
Watching and waiting in line for your turn
I've learned to walk with my back to the fire
I like the heat but I don't want to get burned
And if you need water
I'll Be A River
Like a wave I will come over you
You need someone to fall into
I'll Be A River
And my love will carry you through
Here stands a fortress built with great walls of silence
Ready to crumble at the slightest word
Finding the right one is becoming a science
I'd like to scream but I ain't gonna be heard
And if you need water
I'll Be A River
Like a wave I will come over you
You need someone to fall into
I'll Be A River
And my love will carry you through
I decided that I was not going to mope around feeling sorry for myself. After all, nothing had actually changed. We weren't dating to begin with so being broken up with should have no affect. Mostly it was just my feelers that were hurt. Am I really so unlovable that I have to be preemtively dumped once a month just to make sure I don't get any ideas? But these were the thoughts I decided I didn't want to have. So I got out of bed and started emptying out my room to paint it. By 10:30 I had everything out and was ready to start painting the ceiling. 20 minutes later I somehow managed to dump the gallon of white paint - on my roommates dog. This obviously scared her so she took off running through the house. My dog came to investigate and walked through the paint. I eventually tackled the paint covered little dog in the kitchen and grabbed my own dog by the collar, just as my roommate came upstairs. There was paint EVERYWHERE. I took the dogs down to the basement and we got in the shower fully dressed. I got the dogs clean and then went up to help my roommate with the paint disaster all over the hard wood floors. I managed to miss the tarp entirely since I think I was moving it when the paint fell. About an hour and a half later... we had 96% of the paint off the floor, sore knees, and I had a blister on my thumb.
I managed to get one coat of paint on my room and then my roommate told me he was having company over for dinner. Ok... the timing was bad but I vaguely remembered him saying something about this earlier in the week. The company showed up and turned out to be some dude he met online from Denver that just happened to be passing through. I asked several times if he wanted me to find somewhere else to be (even though I was covered in paint and didn't really want to spend the evening doing anything other than taking a hot bath). He assured me that I should stay and that he only planned on having dinner with this dude. I was still uncomfortable but didn't argue. I had dinner with them - still covered in paint and made small talk with who I will now call "random dude #4." We finished eating and I went to the living room to start putting a few things away so we could actually sit on the furniture since the contents of my room was all over the place. I decided to answer an email and my roommate asked if I wanted some cheesecake. Hell yes I want cheesecake! I finished up my email and I heard kissing noises coming from the living room. Shit... so I casually walked past to get a drink of water and saw that they were making out. Well, so much for cheesecake. I went back to my room and wondered if I should leave but once again... I was covered in paint, wanted a bath, and didn't really have anywhere to go. Some time passed and then my roommate got into the shower. Shit... what does THAT mean?! Then they both disappeared into my roommate's bedroom and I was officially traumatized. The silver lining (I thought) was that the cheesecake was now free to be eaten except it seems when they followed their penises into the bedroom they left the cheesecake behind and my opportunist dog took care of it for them. So, to recap... my roommate is banging some random dude 12 feet from my room, my dog is hyped up on 4 slices of chocolate cheesecake, and I'm covered in paint. I wanted a bath since "random dude #4" showed up and I decided at this moment that it would no longer be rude if I took one. So I shut the door to my cracked out dog and took a bath. My dog barked and whined the entire time I was in there - but at my roommate's door, not the bathroom door. Traitor. I got out and discovered that while I was relaxing in the tub that both dogs had somehow gotten into the trash (I'm assuming because my roommate didn't latch it). My shirtless post coital roommate came to my room to ask if any trash got left in there after the dogs got into it. I growled something about how she had also eaten the cheesecake and he retreated to his room for some pillow talk - which I could hear since he left his door open. At 11 I made a big production out of shutting off lights and locking doors and going to bed. An hour later I heard "random dude #4" leave.
Sunday I woke up just as angry as I was the morning before. I avoided my roommate and left for church without saying anything to him. We had our Open and Affirming celebration and a vigil for GLBT youth that have been bullied and/ or committed suicide. It was rough to get through but I managed. I got home around noon and wasn't done being angry with my slutty roommate yet. Luckily I had a lunch invite from a friend so I left to have an omelet. I eventually made it home and my roommate asked if I was angry that he brought a guy home. I explained that I wasn't angry about that... I was however angry that he proceeded to have sex while I was there after I had offered to give him the house for the evening. He explained that he didn't think it was a big deal since if he was comfortable having me in the house when he had sex then it shouldn't bother me. I explained that it doesn't really work like that...
I don't remember if I mentioned in the last blog that Friday night he came home and let me cry on his shoulder and gave me a big hug and I felt like we were friends again. Then he was really cool during the entire paint fiasco and we bonded over that too. I think he felt bad about everything but I guess in his defense the penis can sometimes take over and there is nothing anyone can do about it.
I spent the rest of Sunday putting a second coat of paint on my room, then moved my furniture out of storage and into my room. My room looks amazing by the way. I feel so much less homeless and it's a good feeling to know that I'm just a couple of car loads away from not having to pay my storage unit anymore. I also gave away my couch to a foreign exchange student. I am glad it's gone and being put to use!
My roommate made fish and chips and poured me a gin and tonic "to celebrate surviving the weekend of horror." We hashed everything out over dinner and things are good between us again. He's sorry he's a whore. I'm sorry I'm moody and emotional.
Last weekend can kiss my ass. I feel like I need another one to recover and relax. Also... "the boy" can kiss my ass. He's an idiot. Why would you break up with someone you weren't dating to begin with? I think he just felt guilty and wanted me to absolve him of that guilt. By doing so it just made me feel worse. Fuck him. He doesn't deserve me and if he wants this to work then he's going to have to figure out how to be my friend.
I woke up Saturday morning with red puffy eyes, a slight hang over, pissed about wasting my tears on someone that no longer deserves them, and I had a song stuck in my head... "if you need water, I'll be your river..." I had the entire song stuck in my head but I couldn't place it. Where had I heard this song and how do I know it. Turns out it was by Cyndi Lauper. I heard it on a cd I recently bought but didn't realize I was even paying attention to that song. It's beautiful and I love Cyndi Lauper for it.
You like the flame and you are drawn by desire
Watching and waiting in line for your turn
I've learned to walk with my back to the fire
I like the heat but I don't want to get burned
And if you need water
I'll Be A River
Like a wave I will come over you
You need someone to fall into
I'll Be A River
And my love will carry you through
Here stands a fortress built with great walls of silence
Ready to crumble at the slightest word
Finding the right one is becoming a science
I'd like to scream but I ain't gonna be heard
And if you need water
I'll Be A River
Like a wave I will come over you
You need someone to fall into
I'll Be A River
And my love will carry you through
I decided that I was not going to mope around feeling sorry for myself. After all, nothing had actually changed. We weren't dating to begin with so being broken up with should have no affect. Mostly it was just my feelers that were hurt. Am I really so unlovable that I have to be preemtively dumped once a month just to make sure I don't get any ideas? But these were the thoughts I decided I didn't want to have. So I got out of bed and started emptying out my room to paint it. By 10:30 I had everything out and was ready to start painting the ceiling. 20 minutes later I somehow managed to dump the gallon of white paint - on my roommates dog. This obviously scared her so she took off running through the house. My dog came to investigate and walked through the paint. I eventually tackled the paint covered little dog in the kitchen and grabbed my own dog by the collar, just as my roommate came upstairs. There was paint EVERYWHERE. I took the dogs down to the basement and we got in the shower fully dressed. I got the dogs clean and then went up to help my roommate with the paint disaster all over the hard wood floors. I managed to miss the tarp entirely since I think I was moving it when the paint fell. About an hour and a half later... we had 96% of the paint off the floor, sore knees, and I had a blister on my thumb.
I managed to get one coat of paint on my room and then my roommate told me he was having company over for dinner. Ok... the timing was bad but I vaguely remembered him saying something about this earlier in the week. The company showed up and turned out to be some dude he met online from Denver that just happened to be passing through. I asked several times if he wanted me to find somewhere else to be (even though I was covered in paint and didn't really want to spend the evening doing anything other than taking a hot bath). He assured me that I should stay and that he only planned on having dinner with this dude. I was still uncomfortable but didn't argue. I had dinner with them - still covered in paint and made small talk with who I will now call "random dude #4." We finished eating and I went to the living room to start putting a few things away so we could actually sit on the furniture since the contents of my room was all over the place. I decided to answer an email and my roommate asked if I wanted some cheesecake. Hell yes I want cheesecake! I finished up my email and I heard kissing noises coming from the living room. Shit... so I casually walked past to get a drink of water and saw that they were making out. Well, so much for cheesecake. I went back to my room and wondered if I should leave but once again... I was covered in paint, wanted a bath, and didn't really have anywhere to go. Some time passed and then my roommate got into the shower. Shit... what does THAT mean?! Then they both disappeared into my roommate's bedroom and I was officially traumatized. The silver lining (I thought) was that the cheesecake was now free to be eaten except it seems when they followed their penises into the bedroom they left the cheesecake behind and my opportunist dog took care of it for them. So, to recap... my roommate is banging some random dude 12 feet from my room, my dog is hyped up on 4 slices of chocolate cheesecake, and I'm covered in paint. I wanted a bath since "random dude #4" showed up and I decided at this moment that it would no longer be rude if I took one. So I shut the door to my cracked out dog and took a bath. My dog barked and whined the entire time I was in there - but at my roommate's door, not the bathroom door. Traitor. I got out and discovered that while I was relaxing in the tub that both dogs had somehow gotten into the trash (I'm assuming because my roommate didn't latch it). My shirtless post coital roommate came to my room to ask if any trash got left in there after the dogs got into it. I growled something about how she had also eaten the cheesecake and he retreated to his room for some pillow talk - which I could hear since he left his door open. At 11 I made a big production out of shutting off lights and locking doors and going to bed. An hour later I heard "random dude #4" leave.
Sunday I woke up just as angry as I was the morning before. I avoided my roommate and left for church without saying anything to him. We had our Open and Affirming celebration and a vigil for GLBT youth that have been bullied and/ or committed suicide. It was rough to get through but I managed. I got home around noon and wasn't done being angry with my slutty roommate yet. Luckily I had a lunch invite from a friend so I left to have an omelet. I eventually made it home and my roommate asked if I was angry that he brought a guy home. I explained that I wasn't angry about that... I was however angry that he proceeded to have sex while I was there after I had offered to give him the house for the evening. He explained that he didn't think it was a big deal since if he was comfortable having me in the house when he had sex then it shouldn't bother me. I explained that it doesn't really work like that...
I don't remember if I mentioned in the last blog that Friday night he came home and let me cry on his shoulder and gave me a big hug and I felt like we were friends again. Then he was really cool during the entire paint fiasco and we bonded over that too. I think he felt bad about everything but I guess in his defense the penis can sometimes take over and there is nothing anyone can do about it.
I spent the rest of Sunday putting a second coat of paint on my room, then moved my furniture out of storage and into my room. My room looks amazing by the way. I feel so much less homeless and it's a good feeling to know that I'm just a couple of car loads away from not having to pay my storage unit anymore. I also gave away my couch to a foreign exchange student. I am glad it's gone and being put to use!
My roommate made fish and chips and poured me a gin and tonic "to celebrate surviving the weekend of horror." We hashed everything out over dinner and things are good between us again. He's sorry he's a whore. I'm sorry I'm moody and emotional.
Last weekend can kiss my ass. I feel like I need another one to recover and relax. Also... "the boy" can kiss my ass. He's an idiot. Why would you break up with someone you weren't dating to begin with? I think he just felt guilty and wanted me to absolve him of that guilt. By doing so it just made me feel worse. Fuck him. He doesn't deserve me and if he wants this to work then he's going to have to figure out how to be my friend.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Sick of Waiting
I hate that my blog makes me look like an emotional 13 year old girl with nothing but boy problems but this seems to be the home for this topic so... there you have it.
I went out tonight with my most recent love interest. I've missed hanging out with him for the last few weeks so I just went out and told him that I've missed spending time with him and asked if we could have a beer tonight. He said yes, we had a beer... of course he brought a friend and I showed up alone. More of his friends showed up throughout the night and that was all fine. I finally got to the point where I felt like I had enough to drink and I was tired and ready to go home. He saw that and felt the same way so we left but then parted outside of the bar. I left feeling weird and unresolved and just generally unhappy about the situation. I got home and my phone rang. It was him. He wanted to tell me that he's been dating other people and that specifically he's been on a couple dates with the same guy that broke my roommate's heart and essentially turned him into a slutty mess. He hoped that we could still hang out and be friends and just wanted to be honest with me. I was honest with him and told him how we met since he didn't even know how long I've been waiting for a chance to date him (roughly a year). In the end I think we just made things harder on each other. We hung up and I just collapsed. I started crying like I haven't cried in ages. I felt so rejected and unwanted. It made things worse since it's been at least a couple of years since I've WANTED to date ANYONE and then I found someone that met my insane requirements and he rejected me. That wasn't supposed to happen.
I'm just so tired of waiting for things.
To let loose,
To let free,
To breath in,
To breath out,
Peace Out.
I went out tonight with my most recent love interest. I've missed hanging out with him for the last few weeks so I just went out and told him that I've missed spending time with him and asked if we could have a beer tonight. He said yes, we had a beer... of course he brought a friend and I showed up alone. More of his friends showed up throughout the night and that was all fine. I finally got to the point where I felt like I had enough to drink and I was tired and ready to go home. He saw that and felt the same way so we left but then parted outside of the bar. I left feeling weird and unresolved and just generally unhappy about the situation. I got home and my phone rang. It was him. He wanted to tell me that he's been dating other people and that specifically he's been on a couple dates with the same guy that broke my roommate's heart and essentially turned him into a slutty mess. He hoped that we could still hang out and be friends and just wanted to be honest with me. I was honest with him and told him how we met since he didn't even know how long I've been waiting for a chance to date him (roughly a year). In the end I think we just made things harder on each other. We hung up and I just collapsed. I started crying like I haven't cried in ages. I felt so rejected and unwanted. It made things worse since it's been at least a couple of years since I've WANTED to date ANYONE and then I found someone that met my insane requirements and he rejected me. That wasn't supposed to happen.
I'm just so tired of waiting for things.
To let loose,
To let free,
To breath in,
To breath out,
Peace Out.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The Gays of My Life
Before getting into my lame junior high girl drama I'm going to give a quick update on my life recently.
~ I officially quit advising the GLBT student group last week. I had half way quit months ago but stuck around. It was becoming more trouble than anything else with all the drama and university bullshit so I said a fond farewell and walked out on Friday. After over 5 years of of blood, sweat and tears, my departure was met with a yawn. That kind of hurt.
~ My exhibit at work is 2/3 up and looking good. The rest will go up later in the week.
~ Work in general has been a little dramatic and weird lately. I feel a little like I've outgrown my job but I don't want the next size up and they aren't offering it anyway.
~ Things at home have been a little awkward lately. My roommate seems to be in heat or something. He talks about nothing but sex and seems to have had some sort of a three way while I was at church. Classy.
~ Class is going ok. I just want to be done. The last class I need "might" be offered in May and I was supposed to hear back a week ago but haven't yet.
~ For the first time, I feel like I've overstayed my welcome - at work, at home, in school, in the clubs and organizations I'm a part of. I need to start fresh, but I'm not sure where or how.
And now on to my lame junior high bullshit...
I had a weird week last week as far as imaginary relationships go. (And all of my relationships ARE imaginary.) My most recent crush seems to be pushing me even further into the friend zone. I've noticed that he doesn't contact me independently. He only replies when I contact him... so I guess that's even on the edge of the friend zone. That is dangerously close to "annoying friend I tolerate zone" and I refuse to live in that neighborhood. Maybe I'm imagining things. I know he's insanely busy. A relationship is certainly off the table though... which sucks since in spite of myself I still have a crush on him. I should have known it was bullshit when we both said that we didn't want anything to change since sure enough... everything changed.
To complicate things further... I wrote to my Canadian author friend. We write to each other more or less every day, sort of pen pall style. Of course I mention things going on (or not going on) with the current crush when I write to him. Last week I wrote to say something about the crush and I got a slightly unexpected reply saying that he felt like they were in competition for me and that when he pictures his life in the future it's with me. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I do love him but he's in Canada and I'm not sure I can say that I'm "in love" with him and there is a difference. And since he's a writer, it was a beautiful letter and I melted but that still doesn't translate to anything realistic. There might be too much water under that bridge to be able to cross it again. He kind of hurt me when he picked someone practical over me, which is what I was trying to do recently and why he said something. I still just don't know what to do with that information. I guess wait until May and Spain and see what happens?
About two days later the guy I like to refer to as "the rabbi" in my blog popped back up, after over a year of no contact. He's now in NYC going to grad school and wants to teach religious studies rather than be a rabbi. Ok... so that's all well and good... he's still cute, he's still available, he's no longer going to be a rabbi, which was going to be an issue... but he's still needy and clingy and moving too fast for his own good. I want his friendship, nothing more. That's all I've ever wanted but he keeps getting hurt and I hate hurting people. I feel like I'm doing the same thing to him that my recent crush is doing to me - leaving him on the line. I should just tell him that I'm not interested in a relationship and let him move on, if he wants to be friends that's up to him. I know it hurts to be left in the no man's land of not knowing how someone feels and if they should feel hopeful or not.
Why is it that life tends to give you everything you want but in the most complicated ways possible. I have a cute sweet nearly perfect guy 6 blocks from my house, that doesn't want me. I have a cute sweet nearly perfect guy in Canada that does want me but lives a bazillion miles away and I'm not sure I can get over my own hurt from 2 years ago to let him back in. And I have a cute guy that desperately wants me but doesn't even know me in New York. I should feel flattered by the last two but it somehow just makes me angry.
~ I officially quit advising the GLBT student group last week. I had half way quit months ago but stuck around. It was becoming more trouble than anything else with all the drama and university bullshit so I said a fond farewell and walked out on Friday. After over 5 years of of blood, sweat and tears, my departure was met with a yawn. That kind of hurt.
~ My exhibit at work is 2/3 up and looking good. The rest will go up later in the week.
~ Work in general has been a little dramatic and weird lately. I feel a little like I've outgrown my job but I don't want the next size up and they aren't offering it anyway.
~ Things at home have been a little awkward lately. My roommate seems to be in heat or something. He talks about nothing but sex and seems to have had some sort of a three way while I was at church. Classy.
~ Class is going ok. I just want to be done. The last class I need "might" be offered in May and I was supposed to hear back a week ago but haven't yet.
~ For the first time, I feel like I've overstayed my welcome - at work, at home, in school, in the clubs and organizations I'm a part of. I need to start fresh, but I'm not sure where or how.
And now on to my lame junior high bullshit...
I had a weird week last week as far as imaginary relationships go. (And all of my relationships ARE imaginary.) My most recent crush seems to be pushing me even further into the friend zone. I've noticed that he doesn't contact me independently. He only replies when I contact him... so I guess that's even on the edge of the friend zone. That is dangerously close to "annoying friend I tolerate zone" and I refuse to live in that neighborhood. Maybe I'm imagining things. I know he's insanely busy. A relationship is certainly off the table though... which sucks since in spite of myself I still have a crush on him. I should have known it was bullshit when we both said that we didn't want anything to change since sure enough... everything changed.
To complicate things further... I wrote to my Canadian author friend. We write to each other more or less every day, sort of pen pall style. Of course I mention things going on (or not going on) with the current crush when I write to him. Last week I wrote to say something about the crush and I got a slightly unexpected reply saying that he felt like they were in competition for me and that when he pictures his life in the future it's with me. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I do love him but he's in Canada and I'm not sure I can say that I'm "in love" with him and there is a difference. And since he's a writer, it was a beautiful letter and I melted but that still doesn't translate to anything realistic. There might be too much water under that bridge to be able to cross it again. He kind of hurt me when he picked someone practical over me, which is what I was trying to do recently and why he said something. I still just don't know what to do with that information. I guess wait until May and Spain and see what happens?
About two days later the guy I like to refer to as "the rabbi" in my blog popped back up, after over a year of no contact. He's now in NYC going to grad school and wants to teach religious studies rather than be a rabbi. Ok... so that's all well and good... he's still cute, he's still available, he's no longer going to be a rabbi, which was going to be an issue... but he's still needy and clingy and moving too fast for his own good. I want his friendship, nothing more. That's all I've ever wanted but he keeps getting hurt and I hate hurting people. I feel like I'm doing the same thing to him that my recent crush is doing to me - leaving him on the line. I should just tell him that I'm not interested in a relationship and let him move on, if he wants to be friends that's up to him. I know it hurts to be left in the no man's land of not knowing how someone feels and if they should feel hopeful or not.
Why is it that life tends to give you everything you want but in the most complicated ways possible. I have a cute sweet nearly perfect guy 6 blocks from my house, that doesn't want me. I have a cute sweet nearly perfect guy in Canada that does want me but lives a bazillion miles away and I'm not sure I can get over my own hurt from 2 years ago to let him back in. And I have a cute guy that desperately wants me but doesn't even know me in New York. I should feel flattered by the last two but it somehow just makes me angry.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Dreams
For about a month at least 3-4 times a week I have a dream that someone is coming to bed. I'll actually wake up in the middle of the night because someone that belongs in my bed has finally gotten home and is crawling in with me. I'll even move over to make room for him and yesterday night I actually sat up in bed, said out loud "you finally made it home" and reached my hand out... to nobody. I have no idea who I think it is but it's obviously someone I want to be there and belongs with me. I'm not sure if my subconscious is processing my recent "near relationship" or if I'm being prepared for something in the future. In the dreams I'm so comfortable with this person that I don't even question who he is but at the same time I'm in the same room, in the same bed, and the only thing that has changed is that I share that room and bed. It has the feel of a memory but one that hasn't happened yet if that makes any sense. Ok, enough weirdness... Dreams are just dreams but it's so odd that I would continue having different versions of the same dream and wake up expecting to see someone so often.
I'm a lot less stressed today than I have been most of the week. I'm not sure if my "give-a-shiter" just quit working or if my stress level has actually decreased. Either way, I'm not as freaked out. I'm looking forward to the weekend. I have a dinner party to attend on Friday (at the home of my most recent "near relationship") then I'm seeing and old friend on Saturday and interviewing a potential new pastor on Sunday. Should be a good weekend! Just a day and a half to go...
To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.
I'm a lot less stressed today than I have been most of the week. I'm not sure if my "give-a-shiter" just quit working or if my stress level has actually decreased. Either way, I'm not as freaked out. I'm looking forward to the weekend. I have a dinner party to attend on Friday (at the home of my most recent "near relationship") then I'm seeing and old friend on Saturday and interviewing a potential new pastor on Sunday. Should be a good weekend! Just a day and a half to go...
To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
As if I'm becoming untouchable...
"My Skin"
Natalie Merchant
Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here
That I don't understand
Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
I don't need them
I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
Contempt loves the silence
It thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils
That strangle the heart
They say that promises
Sweeten the blow
But I don't need them
No, I don't need them
I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
I'm a slow dying flower
Frost killing hour
The sweet turning sour
And untouchable
O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this
I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
Angel sweet
Love of my life
O, I need this
Do you remember the way
That you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness
I loved and adored?
Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
No, I don't need them
O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this
I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
The angel sweet
Love of my life
I need this
Is it dark enough?
Can you see me?
Do you want me?
Can you reach me?
Or I'm leaving
You better shut your mouth
Hold your breath
Kiss me now you'll catch my death
O, I mean it
Natalie Merchant
Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here
That I don't understand
Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
I don't need them
I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
Contempt loves the silence
It thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils
That strangle the heart
They say that promises
Sweeten the blow
But I don't need them
No, I don't need them
I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
I'm a slow dying flower
Frost killing hour
The sweet turning sour
And untouchable
O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this
I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
Angel sweet
Love of my life
O, I need this
Do you remember the way
That you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness
I loved and adored?
Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
No, I don't need them
O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this
I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
The angel sweet
Love of my life
I need this
Is it dark enough?
Can you see me?
Do you want me?
Can you reach me?
Or I'm leaving
You better shut your mouth
Hold your breath
Kiss me now you'll catch my death
O, I mean it
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Teach Me To Under-think
I've had a lot going on lately. I'm not sure how to digest any of it or even if I can or should. One thing is certain though... I am my own worst enemy and over think EVERYTHING. Seriously... "Oh, he hung back to walk with me instead of his other friends... what does that mean?" Fuck. Seriously... I would say I need my head examined except I seem to be the token non-psychology phd student when I go out lately and I can say with some certainty that my head is just fine. So... a recap of my week/end.
Work sucked this week. Everyone was pissy and irrational and demanding. I have an exhibit due by the end of the month but I'm getting no feedback and nobody remembers to do anything unless it was something I mentioned in passing weeks ago and changed my mind and gave very specific instructions that should have trumped the random thought weeks ago. My boss (who I actually really like) has been making a lot of seemingly irrational decisions lately that boil down to a lot more work. A coworker (who I also really like) has been making irrational demands. I'm in the middle of like 800 projects and if one more person asks me to drop everything and work on something for them, my head will actually explode. *pop!!* I'm almost never worried about my job or stressed... I hope this doesn't last long.
Friday night I went out with my new gal palls and had a Bloody Mary. It was delicious and just what I needed. I only saw "the guy" very briefly and then he invited me out to hang out with him later in the night. I declined and stayed home alone and watched The Princess and the Frog. I feel like I made the right decision. ;-)
I saw "him" the next day for a pre-game party at his house that was also a birthday party for his roommate. I ate a fried Twinkie, I drank too much beer, too quickly and then drunk dialed my mom at like 6:00 in the evening. Classy... They all went to the game and I parted ways to go to another birthday party complete with an Indian feast. I love Indian food. Seriously... so good. Around 11:00 I sobered up and walked my ass home. All 22 blocks home. It was a beautiful night though, so it was nice.
Sunday... I got up and went to church. I was the worship assistant today, which is still weird to me but nice. After church I went grocery shopping and then had some lunch. I had big plans to get a lot of work done but didn't at any point. I went for a long walk with a friend and the dogs. It was beautiful out this weekend. August beautiful. By now we've usually had a hard freeze if not a snow storm and everything is dead and it's practically winter. I'm glad I enjoyed the warmth today. I still haven't done any homework... but nothing is due until Tuesday and that's like days away right? ;-)
Ok... so... reading this... I notice a theme. "the guy" Fuck that. I was happy and content with my life. I even decided that I didn't want him at some point and now I'm reading novels into his slightest inconsequential actions.
Here are my plans for myself and just for me: I'm going to yoga because it makes me happy. I'm saving money for a potential trip to West Hollywood/ Spain in May. I'm enjoying the company of my friends but not stressing about it. I'm going to create a beautiful exhibit at work. I'm going to continue kicking ass in my class. I'm going to take one other class and finish my thesis next semester. I should know if I can take my last class this summer very soon. I could be done by June. That is awesome. Then what? Who knows. Whatever I want. :-)
Work sucked this week. Everyone was pissy and irrational and demanding. I have an exhibit due by the end of the month but I'm getting no feedback and nobody remembers to do anything unless it was something I mentioned in passing weeks ago and changed my mind and gave very specific instructions that should have trumped the random thought weeks ago. My boss (who I actually really like) has been making a lot of seemingly irrational decisions lately that boil down to a lot more work. A coworker (who I also really like) has been making irrational demands. I'm in the middle of like 800 projects and if one more person asks me to drop everything and work on something for them, my head will actually explode. *pop!!* I'm almost never worried about my job or stressed... I hope this doesn't last long.
Friday night I went out with my new gal palls and had a Bloody Mary. It was delicious and just what I needed. I only saw "the guy" very briefly and then he invited me out to hang out with him later in the night. I declined and stayed home alone and watched The Princess and the Frog. I feel like I made the right decision. ;-)
I saw "him" the next day for a pre-game party at his house that was also a birthday party for his roommate. I ate a fried Twinkie, I drank too much beer, too quickly and then drunk dialed my mom at like 6:00 in the evening. Classy... They all went to the game and I parted ways to go to another birthday party complete with an Indian feast. I love Indian food. Seriously... so good. Around 11:00 I sobered up and walked my ass home. All 22 blocks home. It was a beautiful night though, so it was nice.
Sunday... I got up and went to church. I was the worship assistant today, which is still weird to me but nice. After church I went grocery shopping and then had some lunch. I had big plans to get a lot of work done but didn't at any point. I went for a long walk with a friend and the dogs. It was beautiful out this weekend. August beautiful. By now we've usually had a hard freeze if not a snow storm and everything is dead and it's practically winter. I'm glad I enjoyed the warmth today. I still haven't done any homework... but nothing is due until Tuesday and that's like days away right? ;-)
Ok... so... reading this... I notice a theme. "the guy" Fuck that. I was happy and content with my life. I even decided that I didn't want him at some point and now I'm reading novels into his slightest inconsequential actions.
Here are my plans for myself and just for me: I'm going to yoga because it makes me happy. I'm saving money for a potential trip to West Hollywood/ Spain in May. I'm enjoying the company of my friends but not stressing about it. I'm going to create a beautiful exhibit at work. I'm going to continue kicking ass in my class. I'm going to take one other class and finish my thesis next semester. I should know if I can take my last class this summer very soon. I could be done by June. That is awesome. Then what? Who knows. Whatever I want. :-)
Friday, September 10, 2010
The Bitch is Back!
I'm not sure why I used that title. I just thought it was fun. I'm not really a bitch and I didn't really go anywhere. Maybe I was starting to slip away. Why do I give myself away so easily? It's insane... 5 or 6 weeks of hanging out with a guy I like and I'm already starting to alter my decision process to suit his imagined needs and wants at some unspecified future point. But, at least I realized it and stopped. Well... I guess to be fair... he realized it and stopped it. I would still be an emotional 13 year old girl longing away for an imagined relationship while a real one slips by if it weren't for him. That's not to say that he's out of the picture. We are still hanging out very often. It's just the pressure has been removed by taking "dating" off the table for the time being. I enjoy his company, he enjoys mine, and we are getting to know each other. I'm happy with that.
I had a busy weekend! Friday night I drank too much wine again. But I enjoyed the company. Saturday morning I felt like crap but had to get up and go to a funeral. A prof I met a couple of times but didn't really know all that well died in a car accident. It was a catholic funeral so it was a little bit painful and not just because of the hang over. After that I sort of slugged around the house... I don't really remember what I did actually. I watched half of a football game and pretended to study and then went home for a bbq with my roommate and his friends. After that I made myself scarce since they were having a "think tank" in the living room. As far as I can tell it's an intellectual circle jerk where they think deep thoughts and feel good about how brilliant they are. From what I overheard it was mostly about masturbation, farting, and drinking. All I wanted was to go to sleep but couldn't since my room is next to the living room and they were being pretty loud until at least 2:00. Sunday I got my butt out of bed after not nearly enough sleep and went to church. I love my pastor, btw. He gave a great sermon about the similarities between all religions. After that I had a couple of meetings then a GLSEN planning meeting. About 20 people showed up! I was a little overwhelmed. A lot were just there to support me, but that's wonderful. I felt really thankful when 1/3 of the people in the room said they were there for me. I have amazing friends. I'm so excited about starting a GLSEN chapter!!! After that I went home for a nap and failed. The dogs were being insane and a certain Czech seemed to be running laps around the house with a plastic bag. (Or at least that's what it sounded like.) I eventually gave up and went to a yoga class. My arms hurt! It was good to get some exercise. I need to keep going. Then I finally got to bed early!
Today is Monday. I don't have much going on today. Just trying to get my exhibit finished and put up, which is proving to be a lot like herding cats... sheesh...
Peace out y'all! ;-)
I had a busy weekend! Friday night I drank too much wine again. But I enjoyed the company. Saturday morning I felt like crap but had to get up and go to a funeral. A prof I met a couple of times but didn't really know all that well died in a car accident. It was a catholic funeral so it was a little bit painful and not just because of the hang over. After that I sort of slugged around the house... I don't really remember what I did actually. I watched half of a football game and pretended to study and then went home for a bbq with my roommate and his friends. After that I made myself scarce since they were having a "think tank" in the living room. As far as I can tell it's an intellectual circle jerk where they think deep thoughts and feel good about how brilliant they are. From what I overheard it was mostly about masturbation, farting, and drinking. All I wanted was to go to sleep but couldn't since my room is next to the living room and they were being pretty loud until at least 2:00. Sunday I got my butt out of bed after not nearly enough sleep and went to church. I love my pastor, btw. He gave a great sermon about the similarities between all religions. After that I had a couple of meetings then a GLSEN planning meeting. About 20 people showed up! I was a little overwhelmed. A lot were just there to support me, but that's wonderful. I felt really thankful when 1/3 of the people in the room said they were there for me. I have amazing friends. I'm so excited about starting a GLSEN chapter!!! After that I went home for a nap and failed. The dogs were being insane and a certain Czech seemed to be running laps around the house with a plastic bag. (Or at least that's what it sounded like.) I eventually gave up and went to a yoga class. My arms hurt! It was good to get some exercise. I need to keep going. Then I finally got to bed early!
Today is Monday. I don't have much going on today. Just trying to get my exhibit finished and put up, which is proving to be a lot like herding cats... sheesh...
Peace out y'all! ;-)
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Ya Know What... I'm OK
Why does a new relationship or a failed relationship make you feel like an emotional 13 year old girl? Seriously? I was perfectly fine being single two months ago. I actually thought I made peace with that aspect of my life and had actually stopped actively looking. True story: Sometime last spring I sat down and made this mental check list of qualities a guy would have to have in order for me to want to date him. It included the basics like sense of humor, intelligence, and a list of specific physical traits since let's be honest... we are all attracted to certain things and not attracted to other things. That list also included a physical location - "within walking distance of my house." The first list eliminated like 97% of the human population and that last one eliminated roughly 99.9999999% of all people. But that was my list and I was going to stick to it. In a way it was me closing that book and saying "you know what, it's ok to be single and just work on yourself for a while." And I did. In just a few months I went back to grad school, started a program in historic preservation that I love, made new friends, started socializing again, and got passionate about starting a GLSEN chapter. And then out of the blue someone that actually met all of my requirements showed up. That wasn't supposed to happen. I think my mistake was when I started over thinking the situation. Instead of thinking "hey, what a fun new friend!!" I thought "hey, you will be my next boyfriend." That's a little creepy. So... after about 5 or 6 weeks of "seeing" each other and not being sure if we were going on dates or hanging out or what, I have been decisively placed in the "friend zone." And that's ok. That actually keeps my crazies in check and I can go back to working on myself and being selfish and making choices just for myself. Who knows what the future holds.
So, I guess it's reassuring that there are actually guys out there that can meet my insane standards. I kind of feel like I should be a little angry that I was proven wrong and that I might not have to become a cranky old spinster with a collection of house cats that will eventually eat me in my sleep. It's a little tragic that the first guy to meet those standards is unavailable... but nothing lasts forever and if there is one, there is bound to eventually be a second.
So... back to me. I'm doing just fine. Classes are going well. My life is good and not in any way less full than it was a week ago. The best thing I can do is to live my life well.
To let loose,
To let free,
To breath in,
To breath out,
Peace out.
So, I guess it's reassuring that there are actually guys out there that can meet my insane standards. I kind of feel like I should be a little angry that I was proven wrong and that I might not have to become a cranky old spinster with a collection of house cats that will eventually eat me in my sleep. It's a little tragic that the first guy to meet those standards is unavailable... but nothing lasts forever and if there is one, there is bound to eventually be a second.
So... back to me. I'm doing just fine. Classes are going well. My life is good and not in any way less full than it was a week ago. The best thing I can do is to live my life well.
To let loose,
To let free,
To breath in,
To breath out,
Peace out.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Wrong Way
In the last blog I wondered about the transition from "seeing" to "dating" and failed to take into account "hanging out." I suppose if you were to chart that it would look something like this:
Hanging out -----> Seeing ------> Dating ------> Relationship
I thought we were floating somewhere in the middle, and somehow we got tossed back to "hanging out." Sometimes being open isn't a good thing since once you say the words they exist and have influence.
Sorry to be mysterious... I'm trying to do the opposite, if I don't use the words then it might not be true. Nothing bad really happened, I'm no worse off, I haven't lost anything. I'm probably just being impatient. It doesn't help that I'm getting wildly varying mixed signals.
To let loose,
To let free,
To breath in,
To breath out.
Peace out.
Hanging out -----> Seeing ------> Dating ------> Relationship
I thought we were floating somewhere in the middle, and somehow we got tossed back to "hanging out." Sometimes being open isn't a good thing since once you say the words they exist and have influence.
Sorry to be mysterious... I'm trying to do the opposite, if I don't use the words then it might not be true. Nothing bad really happened, I'm no worse off, I haven't lost anything. I'm probably just being impatient. It doesn't help that I'm getting wildly varying mixed signals.
To let loose,
To let free,
To breath in,
To breath out.
Peace out.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Busy But Happy
Where to start... I've had a lot going on lately but all good things! Classes have started again. They won't offer the one and only class I need to graduate so I'm officially jumping ship to a new department. It adds a lot of time to my degree... but it at least gives me a way out and I'll get to take classes that I actually enjoy. It's not ideal but it's at least a little forward momentum. Plus I really love the class I'm taking and I'm not paying for it... so those are good things!
I was busy this weekend doing odds and ends around the house. I painted some dresser drawers, did some laundry, took Miss Doggy for a walk... and thought about doing homework. But... I have another full day to finish my reading. ;) I seem to have started jogging again. It's been over 5 years... so maybe it's more accurate to say that I "started jogging." It feels good though. My legs and lungs are kind of angry with me but they will thank me later. I'm thinking about going back to yoga too. I loved it but didn't like going alone. A couple friends offered to go with me so that should be nice.
I am still seeing my "fill in the blank." We have been "seeing" each other for a month but I'm not sure when that transitions into "dating." I guess it doesn't matter. We are happy and comfortable with each other. We had the best evening on Friday. So simple, so comfortable, just drinks, friends, dinner and the farmers market (not really in that order). At the end of the night we took Safe Ride home. Oddly enough... that is where he gained like 800 sexy points for not even attempting to drive me home. Apparently responsibility is sexy? Now I just have to be careful to not over think everything and freak myself out.
It's been a great summer and the fall seems to hold a lot of promise.
This is just a sexy sweet video from some German Soap Opera.
I was busy this weekend doing odds and ends around the house. I painted some dresser drawers, did some laundry, took Miss Doggy for a walk... and thought about doing homework. But... I have another full day to finish my reading. ;) I seem to have started jogging again. It's been over 5 years... so maybe it's more accurate to say that I "started jogging." It feels good though. My legs and lungs are kind of angry with me but they will thank me later. I'm thinking about going back to yoga too. I loved it but didn't like going alone. A couple friends offered to go with me so that should be nice.
I am still seeing my "fill in the blank." We have been "seeing" each other for a month but I'm not sure when that transitions into "dating." I guess it doesn't matter. We are happy and comfortable with each other. We had the best evening on Friday. So simple, so comfortable, just drinks, friends, dinner and the farmers market (not really in that order). At the end of the night we took Safe Ride home. Oddly enough... that is where he gained like 800 sexy points for not even attempting to drive me home. Apparently responsibility is sexy? Now I just have to be careful to not over think everything and freak myself out.
It's been a great summer and the fall seems to hold a lot of promise.
This is just a sexy sweet video from some German Soap Opera.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Good Omens
I'm a little sad that the summer is coming to an end but I'm also a little bit excited to start fall classes and have the students come back. Actually, I'm very excited about those things... it's just the eventual coming of winter that I'm dreading. It was cold out when I went to work this morning. If Fall is knocking on the door, I'm not answering.
Nobody is at work this week. Classes are out, students haven't quite returned, and there is a big conference going on. So things have been even more quiet than normal. I was walking to the library a couple days ago to return some books and was walking past the cemetery. I should pause in this story to explain that my master's thesis started in this cemetery and that thesis basically pulled my academic career out of the toilet. Long story short, there are two women with a common grave stone that were very influential in the early history of the university. I've found that I'm only able to find their grave sometimes though. That seems odd since it doesn't move and I know where it's at but for whatever reason I can only find it when things are going right in my life. I've spent hours walking up and down the rows looking for it and eventually just giving up and leaving. This last time as I was walking past I decided to go in and I walked right to it. I cleaned up a bit while I was there - removed some sticks, picked up a piece of trash, and brushed some pine needles off of one of the headstones. It felt good to be there. I know it's weird but I find the cemetery very centering and calming. I was only there for a minute or two then continued on the the library, where I checked out a few books so I could sit down and finish the last little bits of my thesis. That felt good too.
Other odds and ends:
~ I just placed an order on Amazon for my text books. Did you know students get a free year of Amazon Prime? Free 2 day shipping? Yes please!
~ Pandora keeps playing 80's rock ballads this morning and that makes me happy.
~ I'm going dancing this weekend!
~ It's Friday the 13th.
~ I'm leaving early to go to the farmers market.
~ I have a date on Sunday!!!
~ Speaking of Sunday... I was the substitute pretend pastor last week at church. It was a little surreal. I think in a good way though.
~ I went car shopping with a friend earlier this week. It was kinda fun but I'm super thankful that my family has a permanent standing deal with a fun salesman that totally hooks us up!
~ I might be over my desire to buy a Chevy Silverado now. ;-)
~ Did I mention that I have a date on Sunday?! I know I did... but I'm excited about it. No idea what we are doing. I don't really care.
Ok, I have arbitrarily decided to go find a breakfast burrito. Peace out!
Nobody is at work this week. Classes are out, students haven't quite returned, and there is a big conference going on. So things have been even more quiet than normal. I was walking to the library a couple days ago to return some books and was walking past the cemetery. I should pause in this story to explain that my master's thesis started in this cemetery and that thesis basically pulled my academic career out of the toilet. Long story short, there are two women with a common grave stone that were very influential in the early history of the university. I've found that I'm only able to find their grave sometimes though. That seems odd since it doesn't move and I know where it's at but for whatever reason I can only find it when things are going right in my life. I've spent hours walking up and down the rows looking for it and eventually just giving up and leaving. This last time as I was walking past I decided to go in and I walked right to it. I cleaned up a bit while I was there - removed some sticks, picked up a piece of trash, and brushed some pine needles off of one of the headstones. It felt good to be there. I know it's weird but I find the cemetery very centering and calming. I was only there for a minute or two then continued on the the library, where I checked out a few books so I could sit down and finish the last little bits of my thesis. That felt good too.
Other odds and ends:
~ I just placed an order on Amazon for my text books. Did you know students get a free year of Amazon Prime? Free 2 day shipping? Yes please!
~ Pandora keeps playing 80's rock ballads this morning and that makes me happy.
~ I'm going dancing this weekend!
~ It's Friday the 13th.
~ I'm leaving early to go to the farmers market.
~ I have a date on Sunday!!!
~ Speaking of Sunday... I was the substitute pretend pastor last week at church. It was a little surreal. I think in a good way though.
~ I went car shopping with a friend earlier this week. It was kinda fun but I'm super thankful that my family has a permanent standing deal with a fun salesman that totally hooks us up!
~ I might be over my desire to buy a Chevy Silverado now. ;-)
~ Did I mention that I have a date on Sunday?! I know I did... but I'm excited about it. No idea what we are doing. I don't really care.
Ok, I have arbitrarily decided to go find a breakfast burrito. Peace out!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Things are... Good!
I attempted to register for fall classes yesterday. "Attempted" is the operative word since I still haven't and probably won't until after the 18th. (School starts on the 23rd.) Nobody has heard from my advisor in nearly 4 weeks, which I guess makes me feel better that he's not just singling me out to be ignored but at the same time makes it difficult to register. I spoke to the department chair, who didn't even put his newspaper away to speak to me, and he caused yet one more panic attack. 1) The class I need might not be offered ever again, he didn't know. (The CHAIR of the department didn't know!) 2) The graduate committee had some "concerns" about letting me back into the program and therefore he thought it best that I only take "established courses within the history department." 3) That degree I had been eyeing in historic preservation will have to wait. 4) Independent studies are out of the question until I "prove my ability" to the department. I left with no answers, just more hurdles. Today I sat down and wrote a fairly nasty email to the head the graduate committee, that I now feel badly about since he actually made everything all better. So... I'm still not registered for classes but if things go well (and I finally have reason to hope that they might) I could be done by December and still well on my way to a second degree in historic preservation. *whew*
In other news, I've seen the mysterious man that seems to have captivated at least a small portion of my heart at least 4 times in the last week. That seems like a lot but it didn't feel like a lot. I kind of wanted more even, which weirds me out since I haven't enjoyed dating in a very very long time. It also makes me feel better that he's been asking me out so I don't have to feel needy. Actually, the dates have been pretty organic and just sort of happened. Our first date was last thursday (the 29th) and we had appetizers and beer at Front Street down town. The second was brunch followed by walking our dogs in the park. The third was "coffee" which turned out to be beer and hot wings at Lovejoys. The fourth (today) was iced coffee. He is leaving in the morning for a trip to see his family and he wanted to see me before he left. Aww... right? :-) The only hang up so far is actually probably a blessing in disguise. He was recently dumped by his live-in boyfriend and he's still recovering and wants to take things at a "glacial pace." <- His words, not mine. After the third date he was getting out of my car and I insisted on a hug since I got that he wasn't ready for a kiss. I really wanted to kiss him but I figured a hug was better than nothing. After I got home he texted to say that he really wanted to kiss me but wanted to take things at a glacial pace and hoped that I understood. I replied to say that I understand, and I do. Slow and steady is good. Course there is something to be said for a good kiss too. ;-) He'll be back in a 10ish days and we will go from there.
I'm surprising myself left and right with this guy. I've not pushed, I've been honest and open, and I actually like spending time with him. Those shouldn't be oddities, but lately they are for me. I truly believe that you change to become a different version of yourself when you are around others so you have to be very careful about the company you keep or you could end up not liking who you are. I like myself with him.
To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.
In other news, I've seen the mysterious man that seems to have captivated at least a small portion of my heart at least 4 times in the last week. That seems like a lot but it didn't feel like a lot. I kind of wanted more even, which weirds me out since I haven't enjoyed dating in a very very long time. It also makes me feel better that he's been asking me out so I don't have to feel needy. Actually, the dates have been pretty organic and just sort of happened. Our first date was last thursday (the 29th) and we had appetizers and beer at Front Street down town. The second was brunch followed by walking our dogs in the park. The third was "coffee" which turned out to be beer and hot wings at Lovejoys. The fourth (today) was iced coffee. He is leaving in the morning for a trip to see his family and he wanted to see me before he left. Aww... right? :-) The only hang up so far is actually probably a blessing in disguise. He was recently dumped by his live-in boyfriend and he's still recovering and wants to take things at a "glacial pace." <- His words, not mine. After the third date he was getting out of my car and I insisted on a hug since I got that he wasn't ready for a kiss. I really wanted to kiss him but I figured a hug was better than nothing. After I got home he texted to say that he really wanted to kiss me but wanted to take things at a glacial pace and hoped that I understood. I replied to say that I understand, and I do. Slow and steady is good. Course there is something to be said for a good kiss too. ;-) He'll be back in a 10ish days and we will go from there.
I'm surprising myself left and right with this guy. I've not pushed, I've been honest and open, and I actually like spending time with him. Those shouldn't be oddities, but lately they are for me. I truly believe that you change to become a different version of yourself when you are around others so you have to be very careful about the company you keep or you could end up not liking who you are. I like myself with him.
To let loose.
To let free.
To breathe in.
To breathe out.
Peace out.
Monday, August 2, 2010
I haz a happy
What a great weekend! Actually, it's been a pretty great summer so far in general. Lots of traveling around (even if I haven't left the state), learning a lot, back in grad school, making new friends, seeing old friends, and most importantly just making peace with myself and learning to be happy in Laramie. I attended my first gay wedding this weekend. My fairy godmother married his sweetie. It was a beautiful ceremony - short, sweet, well written, just nice! I had a random acquaintance tag along with me, which was mildly awkward since I wasn't sure if he thought it was a date or what. This was a guy that I've known for like 2-3 years, maybe longer. We randomly see each other at social things and dance and then that would be it. We've had plans to have coffee for like 2 years and he texted me Saturday morning to say he was coming to town and asked what I was doing. I said I had a wedding to go to and said he could be my +1, thinking he would decline. Instead, he showed up at my house and we went together. He wandered off at some point... I guess I should feel bad for not being very attentive but I didn't want it to be a date and there were SO many people at the wedding that I hadn't seen in forever. I don't feel bad. I had fun and ultimately he was the one that just wandered off without saying goodbye. The wedding had not just one but two receptions that lasted well into the night (even though I ran out of steam at about 11:30). I figured I would see a few old friends at the wedding but I didn't anticipate seeing so many friends or making a new friend of someone I was fairly unsure of recently. At any rate, I had a lot of fun, I danced, I drank too much, and I saw some old friends that I have missed a lot.
In other news... I had a second date yesterday. I don't want to say much since I don't want to jinx anything or jump the gun or anything like that. But... I'm excited about this one. If nothing else, going out with him has proven that I'm not actually dead inside. The last few dates I've been on before this, I remember just sitting there making small talk and being resentful that I could be at home by myself watching a movie or reading or walking in the park with my dog and it's never a good sign if you would rather be alone than with the person you are on a date with. Our first date lasted almost three hours and just flew by. The second was brunch followed by a walk in the park with our dogs. How cute is that?! ;-) I don't even remember the last time I liked someone that was actually obtainable. Maybe never? Anyway... we'll see what happens.
I already posted this video on facebook but I want to post it again since I really like it and it seems really appropriate for my life right now. (Thanks Jake!)
I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
In other news... I had a second date yesterday. I don't want to say much since I don't want to jinx anything or jump the gun or anything like that. But... I'm excited about this one. If nothing else, going out with him has proven that I'm not actually dead inside. The last few dates I've been on before this, I remember just sitting there making small talk and being resentful that I could be at home by myself watching a movie or reading or walking in the park with my dog and it's never a good sign if you would rather be alone than with the person you are on a date with. Our first date lasted almost three hours and just flew by. The second was brunch followed by a walk in the park with our dogs. How cute is that?! ;-) I don't even remember the last time I liked someone that was actually obtainable. Maybe never? Anyway... we'll see what happens.
I already posted this video on facebook but I want to post it again since I really like it and it seems really appropriate for my life right now. (Thanks Jake!)
I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Been A While
I don't even know what my last few posts said or when I posted them... it was over a month ago? Less than? I don't know and I'm not going to look. ;-)
I've been busy and gone a lot. I'm not sure if I already blogged about my trip to Grand Teton National Park or not so I'll just give a quick recap. It was for a historic preservation field class and it was great. It was beautiful and I learned a lot. I really enjoy historic preservation, far more than my current work. As soon as I'm done with my history degree I'll start on a historic preservation degree. Provided the school ever lets me graduate. I'm now at 42 credits and counting... for a 30 credit program. (Long story.)
I had my 10 year high school reunion a few weeks ago. I survived. That was all I hoped for. About 1/3 of us showed up (10) and I was caught up with everyone in like 15 minutes. It's actually very gratifying that I wasn't the only one with little to no interest in seeing the rest of my classmates. Being home was a little odd... I have no desire to be there other than to see my family.
Last week I was in Cody for a Native American art history institute. I learned SOO much and had a couple of amazing teachers. I learned a lot about Native culture and art as well as about how a museum functions. I didn't like being there by myself though. I figured it would be like any other class or conference where everyone goes there as an individual and then meets people but instead people came in pairs and then did things as pairs and left me to be a lonely old spinster in the weird "old lady Bible camp" retreat we were staying at. I hate eating alone... Incidentally, I never want to eat fast food ever again!
Nothing else to report I guess... I'm done traveling for now (as far as I know) and just hanging out in town for the rest of the summer until school starts. I'm not sure what I'm taking. The history department seems to be ignoring all of my attempts to get my life together before classes actually start. I'm about to get angry and start haunting the history building again. If they are going to insist that I meet with my advisor before registering for classes and then give me an advisor that is 80% imaginary since he doesn't reply to emails or phone calls then that leaves me in a bit of a "situation." Actually, I'm angry and going to call the department right now.
To let loose, to let free, to breathe in, to breathe out. Peace out.
I've been busy and gone a lot. I'm not sure if I already blogged about my trip to Grand Teton National Park or not so I'll just give a quick recap. It was for a historic preservation field class and it was great. It was beautiful and I learned a lot. I really enjoy historic preservation, far more than my current work. As soon as I'm done with my history degree I'll start on a historic preservation degree. Provided the school ever lets me graduate. I'm now at 42 credits and counting... for a 30 credit program. (Long story.)
I had my 10 year high school reunion a few weeks ago. I survived. That was all I hoped for. About 1/3 of us showed up (10) and I was caught up with everyone in like 15 minutes. It's actually very gratifying that I wasn't the only one with little to no interest in seeing the rest of my classmates. Being home was a little odd... I have no desire to be there other than to see my family.
Last week I was in Cody for a Native American art history institute. I learned SOO much and had a couple of amazing teachers. I learned a lot about Native culture and art as well as about how a museum functions. I didn't like being there by myself though. I figured it would be like any other class or conference where everyone goes there as an individual and then meets people but instead people came in pairs and then did things as pairs and left me to be a lonely old spinster in the weird "old lady Bible camp" retreat we were staying at. I hate eating alone... Incidentally, I never want to eat fast food ever again!
Nothing else to report I guess... I'm done traveling for now (as far as I know) and just hanging out in town for the rest of the summer until school starts. I'm not sure what I'm taking. The history department seems to be ignoring all of my attempts to get my life together before classes actually start. I'm about to get angry and start haunting the history building again. If they are going to insist that I meet with my advisor before registering for classes and then give me an advisor that is 80% imaginary since he doesn't reply to emails or phone calls then that leaves me in a bit of a "situation." Actually, I'm angry and going to call the department right now.
To let loose, to let free, to breathe in, to breathe out. Peace out.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
The Path of Least Resistance Is Catching Up With Me Again Today
Again Today - Brandi Carlile
Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones
It's words that hurt the most now isn't it
Are you sad inside, are you home alone
If I could just pick up the phone
Maybe you could see a better day
And you won't waste away
under my watchful eye
Because I'm your hero and you're my weakness
Who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
I'm broken down, not good enough
The broken promises add up
To twice their weight in tears which I have caused
I'm afraid to sink, I'm afraid to swim
I'm sad to say I miss my friends
I know that I'm supposed to step away
But they need me to stay and keep a watchful eye
On all my heroes and all their demons
But who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again
Not today
Not today
Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones again today
I'm broken down
Not good enough
The broken promises add up again today
Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
Again today
I love Brandi Carlile. This is the last song off of The Story. It's a song I had heard many times but never really listened to until recently. It's funny how sometimes you hear the things you need to hear at exactly the right time. So much of this song seems to apply to my life recently. I should preface the following whiney rant with the fact that I AM mostly happy but I feel like I'm taking a back seat in my own life and letting everyone else call the shots. I'm not really happy with what I have but I'm not willing to do anything about it. Things aren't bad "enough" yet. Sure I hate my job but it is a job. Sure I'm bored and lonely but it could be worse. I'm not especially happy with my situation but I have no way of knowing a new one would be better. To make matters worse I seem to avoid situations that could potentially improve my life. I had big plans for this "seize the day" summer where I live in the present and take chances and have fun. It's only early June but I haven't taken this advice yet. I'm pushing people away. I'm declining dates with guys that seem to be interested, are cute, and are completely respectable. I'm not making any attempt to make new friends to replace the ones that have left. I find myself in a situation once again where I'm the last one standing. Nobody is left. I find myself putting together job applications and then not sending them. There seems to be a theme here... fear of rejection. Is that true? If so, where did this come from? I'm not a fan. Well, not today. Time to start staring in my own life. If I'm bored it's because I'm boring and need to do something about it. Summer of Me, here I come!
Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones
It's words that hurt the most now isn't it
Are you sad inside, are you home alone
If I could just pick up the phone
Maybe you could see a better day
And you won't waste away
under my watchful eye
Because I'm your hero and you're my weakness
Who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
I'm broken down, not good enough
The broken promises add up
To twice their weight in tears which I have caused
I'm afraid to sink, I'm afraid to swim
I'm sad to say I miss my friends
I know that I'm supposed to step away
But they need me to stay and keep a watchful eye
On all my heroes and all their demons
But who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again
Not today
Not today
Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones again today
I'm broken down
Not good enough
The broken promises add up again today
Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
Again today
I love Brandi Carlile. This is the last song off of The Story. It's a song I had heard many times but never really listened to until recently. It's funny how sometimes you hear the things you need to hear at exactly the right time. So much of this song seems to apply to my life recently. I should preface the following whiney rant with the fact that I AM mostly happy but I feel like I'm taking a back seat in my own life and letting everyone else call the shots. I'm not really happy with what I have but I'm not willing to do anything about it. Things aren't bad "enough" yet. Sure I hate my job but it is a job. Sure I'm bored and lonely but it could be worse. I'm not especially happy with my situation but I have no way of knowing a new one would be better. To make matters worse I seem to avoid situations that could potentially improve my life. I had big plans for this "seize the day" summer where I live in the present and take chances and have fun. It's only early June but I haven't taken this advice yet. I'm pushing people away. I'm declining dates with guys that seem to be interested, are cute, and are completely respectable. I'm not making any attempt to make new friends to replace the ones that have left. I find myself in a situation once again where I'm the last one standing. Nobody is left. I find myself putting together job applications and then not sending them. There seems to be a theme here... fear of rejection. Is that true? If so, where did this come from? I'm not a fan. Well, not today. Time to start staring in my own life. If I'm bored it's because I'm boring and need to do something about it. Summer of Me, here I come!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Dear Universe: What Do You Want From Me?!
I've been trying to get back into grad school for over a year. The first set back was when the university arbitrarily dissolved the "grad school" completely. This meant that each department with a grad program had to pick up the slack of admitting and advising graduate students and nobody really knew what that meant or how to go about doing it. To complicate matters I was reapplying after being expelled. For the record, I shouldn't have ever been expelled. My advisor's parting gift to me was to rain 3 arbitrary F's onto my transcript in a childish and uncalled for attempt to ruin my academic career forever. Even though the F's made no sense, it still took me the better part of 2 years to contest and remove them. Two were for classes he wasn't even teaching. He went so far as to open a second section of the same class, just to give me another F. It was insane and I really wish I knew what I did to piss him off so much. Once I had my GPA back to a reasonable place I still had to go through the steps of being readmitted in spite of the fact that I shouldn't have ever been taken out of the program to begin with. Luckily, the department felt bad about things and has been "trying" to speed things along. Unfortunately, that has just led to complications and mistakes and has ultimately tripled the amount of time I should take. I've now been readmitted 3 times but I'm still not actually able to register for a class. For the first attempt I worked though the admissions office (seems logical) and they sent me to academic and career counseling, who then sent me on a scavenger hunt through 4 other departments to gain signatures. I was finally provisionally readmitted as a "non degree seeking undeclared graduate student" and told I could take 3 credits over the summer. If I did well in my summer class I could apply to be a "degree seeking declared graduate student." Neat. That sucks... but whatever. A week later I got a phone call from admissions telling me that I had done everything "wrong" and that I was not actually readmitted. Ne elaboration as to what "wrong" meant... just that the path I had taken was for undergrads and someone in the 5 offices I went to (including theirs) should have stopped me. Neat. That sucks more. It was at this point that I decided to abandon my old program entirely and start over in a new program. I went through a series of meetings with the American Studies department and figure out that about 12 credits would transfer, leaving me with 18 to take... so *doing the math* that would take a year and a half to two years to finish if I took one or two classes a semester. Ok, that sucks since I have 36 credits that apply to my history program. At that point, I decided to just suck it up and beg to be let back into the history department. The prof that had torpedoed me to start with was gone so I didn't have to worry about him at least. I set up some meetings and sent a bunch of emails and the process of being readmitted was actually a lot easier than I anticipated. I just had to submit a form to the graduate advisor with a couple very short essays and that was it. I submitted everything they asked for within a day and they rushed it through before people left for the summer and I got a letter saying I was back in! Neat! Attached to the acceptance letter was a form saying that I had to accept their acceptance and to check the appropriate box, sign it, and return it to the history office. No problem. I checked the box saying that I did in fact want to be back in the program, signed it, and personally walked it to the department to personally hand it in. No problem. Almost three weeks passed and I still hadn't received a letter from Admissions (who does NOT actually admit, by the way) and nothing had changed online to allow me to register. I called Admissions and they hadn't gotten my paperwork. I called history and they hadn't seen my final form (the one I personally handed in so it WOULDN'T get lost). The next day I went to the history department to sign a second one and the office guy left immediately to personally hand it to the admissions people. But before leaving he gave me yet a third acceptance letter that was clearly not worth the stationary it was printed on. Another week passed and still nothing had changed so I went to Admissions to ask what was going on. It seems they sent back my form because the chair of the history department hadn't signed it. Fan-freaking-tastic! And they used campus mail so it hadn't managed to meander back to the history department yet. That was yesterday. I'm supposed to call the history department this afternoon to make sure they got my form back and to remind them to return it as soon as possible. Frick! This should have taken a week but I've been getting the run around for a year, seriously, a YEAR! So, universe... are you trying to tell me I shouldn't have an MA in history? What is your problem with my having this degree? I just need like 2 classes and to polish my thesis. No big deal. Can't I have this? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?!?!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Out of the Blue
Isn't it strange how something can trigger a memory you weren't really even aware of? I saw some old friends from college at walmart yesterday. Not recent university friends but friends from 8-9 years ago from my days in junior college. I see them every now and then, usually at walmart and we engage in some pleasant small talk. But this time they made me think of someone else. I didn't come out until I was about 24 but I now remember having a distinct crush on a guy in college when I was about 20. He was roommates with one of the people I saw yesterday and I hadn't really thought about him in years. I have such intense memories of being attracted to him. It's so odd. How on earth did I dismiss or not recognize those feelings way back then. We were kind of friends, not close but we chatted every now and then and lived in the same small dorm. I distinctly remember going on trip (oddly enough to walmart) with him at one point in college. He bought bananas and protein mix to make smoothies. I was so attracted to him and remember thinking about him after I got back to my dorm room. I wonder if I avoided him after that and stopped thinking about him. It's so strange, I can practically recall how he smelled and the sound of his voice but I haven't thought about him in at least 6 years, maybe longer. My internet stalking didn't turn anything up. I guess he can join the ranks with my Arizona crush that I never admitted I had a crush on and now can't locate either. I assume they were both straight. I honestly don't know.
Last night I spent over an hour "window shopping" through all of the gay guys within 100 miles and wasn't interested in a single one of them. I think there is a connection here... both of my former crushes that I've mentioned in here were real people in my life that I knew. Real people that in the real world I should have gotten to know better, determined if they were interested, and then either moved on with my life or asked out on a date. This was the missing step. Had I known with 100% certainty that they were straight I would have thought "oh well" and that would have been the end. Instead I had months or years of longing and wondering that made them seem more desirable. But even if they were both straight they had an advantage over every one of the online profile guys I looked at last night. They were real, in person, local, actual guys. I can't deal with meeting one more guy online and then commuting for dates. I hate that. Maybe I'm getting lazy, but I just don't want to drive for an hour or two just to make small talk over coffee or a plate of pasta. That leaves me with only the local options, which seem to be nonexistent. And now I'm back to my original plan - work on me and get the hell out of here so I can move to a better location for meeting the men folk. ;)
Last night I spent over an hour "window shopping" through all of the gay guys within 100 miles and wasn't interested in a single one of them. I think there is a connection here... both of my former crushes that I've mentioned in here were real people in my life that I knew. Real people that in the real world I should have gotten to know better, determined if they were interested, and then either moved on with my life or asked out on a date. This was the missing step. Had I known with 100% certainty that they were straight I would have thought "oh well" and that would have been the end. Instead I had months or years of longing and wondering that made them seem more desirable. But even if they were both straight they had an advantage over every one of the online profile guys I looked at last night. They were real, in person, local, actual guys. I can't deal with meeting one more guy online and then commuting for dates. I hate that. Maybe I'm getting lazy, but I just don't want to drive for an hour or two just to make small talk over coffee or a plate of pasta. That leaves me with only the local options, which seem to be nonexistent. And now I'm back to my original plan - work on me and get the hell out of here so I can move to a better location for meeting the men folk. ;)
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Warning: I'm Cranky
I am bored and cranky right now. I don't want to be at work. The weather sucks and I feel like I should have something more interesting to say but I can't think of anything but that sure won't stop me from rambling on about nothing for a while. I had a cold most of last week and postponed getting my wisdom teeth removed since the thought of sneezing with 3 gaping holes in my mouth made me want to cry. I went home for mothers day weekend and it was great to see my family, even if they are all insane. I was admitted back into the history department earlier this week but I haven't been "formally" admitted yet so I can't register for a summer class. I am tempted to take two classes this summer so I'm that much closer to being done but I only get one free class a semester and it would cost too much to take a second. I really only need 2-3 classes and to finish my "plan B thesis papers," which are mostly finished anyway. Things have been a little weird at home since my roommate started seeing some dude from Denver. I'm not sure I like him. I don't dislike him but he seems kind of like a goon and I don't understand why my roommate likes him since they have very little in common. I guess I'm happy that he's happy, in spite of the fact that I've been hiding out in my room for 3 weeks since they Skype in the middle of the living room for 2+ hours every night and it makes me want to puke. It might be time to look into finding my own place. I hate to move at this point though. Rent is cheap, it's hard (almost impossible) to find a place that accepts pets, and I plan on graduating in December. I seem to always be waiting on something. I often don't even know what it is that I'm waiting for. Some magical thing to fix everything? A new job? A boyfriend? A new town? All of the above? Something else? Who knows. I'm just tired and cranky and bored and lonely and want something. My summer project is me. I plan on working on myself so that I am ready to move on when the times comes. I plan on getting more active, going out, finishing my degree, and saving some money. I need fewer excuses to stay here. Sorry for the whiny post. It's May 12th and it's snowing. I just want spring.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Mission Accomplished
I received news a week ago that Representative Cynthia Lummis was planning on signing on as a cosponsor to the Safe Schools Improvement Act. I almost fell out of my chair. She hadn't officially filed the paperwork yet, so I wasn't allowed to say anything until her name showed up on the list of cosponsors on the LOC Thomas website. Yesterday her name showed up along with 2 others, bringing the total to 112 cosponsors in the House. It should be introduced in the Senate soon and I hope to see Senator Barrasso's name on that list of cosponsors. I'm not sure how much influence my meeting with Rep. Lummis had on her decision to cosponsor, but I'm still proud of my involvement in this.
I've been sick for the last few days. Not very sick, but still sick. I've spent most of the week at home in bed with the dogs watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 2 and finishing Doctor Who Season 4. I should have been getting my wisdom teeth out this very minute but I rescheduled for 2 weeks from now since I can't imagine sneezing with three holes in my mouth. Ouch!
I had my last Spectrum meeting as the adviser this week. There is a new student board in place and a new adviser lined up. I have a lot of mixed feelings about my decision to step down. I think it was the best thing for me and hopefully it's also best for the group. I am sad and feel like it's the end of an era. I was the last person left from "my group." Everyone that was here when I got here and first came out 5 years ago is now gone. One by one all of my friends have left. It's so strange. Of course I've made new friends but it's not quite the same. Ah nostalgia... Even though I'm sad I'm kind of happy and feel liberated. A huge weight is gone and I feel like I can move on. I'm (hopefully) taking a summer class and then another class next fall, maybe two classes in the fall. That should be enough to graduate next December. It will be weird to finally have no excuses to stay here. I've been sending out very select job applications lately. I have actually been sending them too, not just completing them and waiting for the job posting to lapse and then saying "oops, guess it wasn't meant to be." I feel good about the future.
I've been sick for the last few days. Not very sick, but still sick. I've spent most of the week at home in bed with the dogs watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 2 and finishing Doctor Who Season 4. I should have been getting my wisdom teeth out this very minute but I rescheduled for 2 weeks from now since I can't imagine sneezing with three holes in my mouth. Ouch!
I had my last Spectrum meeting as the adviser this week. There is a new student board in place and a new adviser lined up. I have a lot of mixed feelings about my decision to step down. I think it was the best thing for me and hopefully it's also best for the group. I am sad and feel like it's the end of an era. I was the last person left from "my group." Everyone that was here when I got here and first came out 5 years ago is now gone. One by one all of my friends have left. It's so strange. Of course I've made new friends but it's not quite the same. Ah nostalgia... Even though I'm sad I'm kind of happy and feel liberated. A huge weight is gone and I feel like I can move on. I'm (hopefully) taking a summer class and then another class next fall, maybe two classes in the fall. That should be enough to graduate next December. It will be weird to finally have no excuses to stay here. I've been sending out very select job applications lately. I have actually been sending them too, not just completing them and waiting for the job posting to lapse and then saying "oops, guess it wasn't meant to be." I feel good about the future.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
And then...
Repeat: "It's not always about you. It's not always about you. It's not always about you." When did I become so self centered? (I ask myself in a blog entirely about me.) Canadian author has come and gone. It was nice to see him but I now feel slightly guilty about not seeing the actual reason for his visit. I assumed he was coming just to see me and that our unrequited relationship would get a jump start and I would be all aflutter with love and melancholy by the time he left. Really what did I expect? To have some sort of international love affair? I refuse to be the junior high girl with the imaginary boyfriend that lives in Canada. But, none of that matters anyway. That wasn't the point of this trip. It was not about me, even if I didn't realize it until he left. Things were weird from the start. He was friendly but not in the way I expected. He seemed broken somehow, just not together, and he didn't want to go anywhere or do anything but stay home and grade papers, watch tv, and sleep. This was baffling to me until I was home from returning him to the airport and I was with my roommate walking the dogs. In one simple moment of clarity my roommate pointed out that he is recently single after a long relationship and that is a dark and lonely place to be. He simply needed distance from his life and to spend time with a friend. How did I not see that?! Now I feel like I should have been less distant and guarded and should have been more comforting. Mending a friend's broken heart is something I'm good at, playing hard to get with someone that can't have me is not something I'm good at.
In an odd way I feel liberated. For two years I placed this guy on such a high pedestal that he was unreachable. Some part of my heart saw him as the unobtainable perfect partner. The pedestal is gone and my heart is returned. For almost two years he was the benchmark that I measured all others against. But I now realize that I created a fantasy persona for him. He was imaginary and it's impossible for a real person to compete with an imaginary person.
So now I'm struggling with a few things. I feel like I've lost something but it never existed to begin with. I feel like I've gained a friend that is real rather than a fantasy pen pal in another country. I feel like I'm ready to move on. I feel like I'm ready for reality. I feel like I might have a date with a certain legislator sometime in the very near future, possibly even tonight. Time will tell. I'm excited for the spring.
In an odd way I feel liberated. For two years I placed this guy on such a high pedestal that he was unreachable. Some part of my heart saw him as the unobtainable perfect partner. The pedestal is gone and my heart is returned. For almost two years he was the benchmark that I measured all others against. But I now realize that I created a fantasy persona for him. He was imaginary and it's impossible for a real person to compete with an imaginary person.
So now I'm struggling with a few things. I feel like I've lost something but it never existed to begin with. I feel like I've gained a friend that is real rather than a fantasy pen pal in another country. I feel like I'm ready to move on. I feel like I'm ready for reality. I feel like I might have a date with a certain legislator sometime in the very near future, possibly even tonight. Time will tell. I'm excited for the spring.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Update
Oh Mylanta, it's been a long time since I posted on here. SOOOO much has happened! I'll try to hit on the bullet points.
I went to Washington DC in March. It was AMAZING! I learned so much and in 4 days I felt like I had accomplished more than I had in the previous couple of years at home. I met some amazing people and fell in love with the GLSEN staff. New goal: I want to work for GLSEN. I applied for a job but I think I was too late. I see it's no longer posted and I wasn't contacted. But that's ok, my work in Laramie isn't quite done.
I have devised an exit strategy for myself. Step 1) Extract myself from certain clubs and organizations that are too dependent on me so that I have more free time for step 2) Finishing my freaking MA! After a semester of battling with the registrars office and the history department I have managed to have 3/4 of the F's on my transcript removed. My adviser's parting gift was a pile of irrational grades. He even opened a second section for a class he wasn't even teaching in order to give me one more F. I wish I knew what I did to piss this dude off. But now it's mostly fixed and I can register for classes and move on. Once I have my degree in hand I can move on to step 3) and decide what I want to be when I grow up (work for GLSEN) and somehow magically make myself into the perfect employee so they would be insane to not hire me. The sticking point is that GLSEN is based out of NYC and DC so that would be a huge change and I'm not sure how Miss Doggy would do in a big city.
Speaking of Miss Doggy... There was some recent drama involving my roommate, a friend in a neighboring town, a dinner party I was unable to attend and a "joke" that led me to believe they lost my dog, which made me think my dog was dead in a street somewhere. Lots of drama ensued, I yelled, I sent nasty emails, I was pissed for about 48 hours, and then I let it go. My dog was never lost, my friends are just jackasses.
Going back to this "I need to leave" idea. I feel like the last of the Mohicans. I am the last person left of the group of friends I had when I first moved here. 4-5 years ago I had this core group of friends and they are all gone now. It's just me left. I never imagined I would be the last holdout. Of course I've made new friends since then but many of them have left as well, or gotten into serious relationships or have somehow lost touch. This is a lonely place and it's hard to meet people and yet I'm always surprised about how many people I know. How can I know so many people and yet feel so alone sometimes? It's odd.
The AIDS Walk and Drag Queen Bingo were last weekend. As always, they were a BLAST! The weather was perfect for the walk and there was a good turn out. True to form, the weather turned bad as soon as I opened my chips at the bbq. EVERY YEAR! No idea why. Drag Queen Bingo was the best it's been so far! I didn't bring a date this year, which worked to my advantage in the end. I had a VIP table and brought some friends and generally had an awesome time. A "friend" at a neighboring table somehow turned into a 5 year old and started throwing markers at me. The first time it was kind of cute, the second was still a little funny, the third was enough. About 40 later I was pissed, the neighboring tables were pissed, and I snapped at him. Also throughout the night I was being wooed by a certain republican legislator. It was odd and unexpected but certainly not unwanted. I've known of this guy for many years and he had a bit of a "reputation" in the past. I'm willing to forgive the past as long as it really is the past and I have to admit I enjoyed the attention. Nobody has tried that hard with me in a long time. I should have probably been a little less aloof but I made up for it by the end of the night. He had been trying really hard with me and asking mutual friends about me and people from two other tables had texted me to see what I thought of the situation. (Yes, I am in fact a 13 year old girl, as are all my friends.) At the end of the night I was dancing and I saw him make his way out to the dance floor, he kind of danced near me and got discouraged and left when I didn't turn to him. (I should have danced with him.) Then a mutual friend talked to me and told me that he's never seen him act like that and wondered what I had done to captivate him. The night was nearly over, I had a long day and I was about to call it a night. So I went to him where he was sitting and told him I had a nice time chatting with him and asked if he had my number, knowing perfectly well that he didn't have it. He said asked me if I wanted him to have it. I told him to give me his phone and I programmed my number into it and instructed him to use it sometime soon. It was an uncharacteristically bold move on my part and I was oddly proud of myself. I figured if he was interested in anything other than a one night stand then he would contact me and we could go from there. Before I even got home he texted to thank me for my number and to say he had a nice time with me. Of course I got all grinny and happy since I am a 13 year old girl. He invited me to dinner last night. Unfortunately, he invited me to dinner at exactly the one time I wasn't able to go to dinner with him because I had a meeting and it was too late to get out of it. Plus I have an added complication coming into my life in about 7 hours.
Picture it: New York City, May 2008. I'm presenting at a conference and this cute guy comes up to introduce himself after my talk. He's an author (+1), has a PhD (+1), and planning on going to the archive I work at to do research at some future point (+2). He seemed nervous and mentioned going to an art show later in the night and I was too dumb to see that was an invitation. We corresponded for several months until he actually did come to town and stayed with me and it was wonderful. My guard was down within minutes and it was just like we had been best friends forever. He left, he got into a relationship, he broke my heart. It was dumb since we live in two different countries (he's Canadian) but I was still pretty heart broken. We had already made plans to meet up in San Francisco the following December and we spent a week together there in this awkward/ wonderful/ unrequited pseudo relationship. Then his real life and relationship took over and we had a lot less contact until recently. He's single again, and regretted pushing me out of his life. It sounds like a booty call but it's not. I like this guy and I'm content to simply be together when we are able and not when we are not. He's one of those people that I'm sure will be a part of my life, complicating things for a very long time, and that's ok. At any rate, he comes in today and will stay with me for 6 days. I'm excited and nervous and basically giddy. As cheese ball as it sounds, when I plan road trips and imaginary dates, he's the one I picture in the passenger seat.
*sigh* Why can't anything ever be simple or straight forward. So, in a week when he leaves I'll have a date with a republican to look forward to. That seemed a lot more exciting until I wrote all this out...
And that's my update.
I went to Washington DC in March. It was AMAZING! I learned so much and in 4 days I felt like I had accomplished more than I had in the previous couple of years at home. I met some amazing people and fell in love with the GLSEN staff. New goal: I want to work for GLSEN. I applied for a job but I think I was too late. I see it's no longer posted and I wasn't contacted. But that's ok, my work in Laramie isn't quite done.
I have devised an exit strategy for myself. Step 1) Extract myself from certain clubs and organizations that are too dependent on me so that I have more free time for step 2) Finishing my freaking MA! After a semester of battling with the registrars office and the history department I have managed to have 3/4 of the F's on my transcript removed. My adviser's parting gift was a pile of irrational grades. He even opened a second section for a class he wasn't even teaching in order to give me one more F. I wish I knew what I did to piss this dude off. But now it's mostly fixed and I can register for classes and move on. Once I have my degree in hand I can move on to step 3) and decide what I want to be when I grow up (work for GLSEN) and somehow magically make myself into the perfect employee so they would be insane to not hire me. The sticking point is that GLSEN is based out of NYC and DC so that would be a huge change and I'm not sure how Miss Doggy would do in a big city.
Speaking of Miss Doggy... There was some recent drama involving my roommate, a friend in a neighboring town, a dinner party I was unable to attend and a "joke" that led me to believe they lost my dog, which made me think my dog was dead in a street somewhere. Lots of drama ensued, I yelled, I sent nasty emails, I was pissed for about 48 hours, and then I let it go. My dog was never lost, my friends are just jackasses.
Going back to this "I need to leave" idea. I feel like the last of the Mohicans. I am the last person left of the group of friends I had when I first moved here. 4-5 years ago I had this core group of friends and they are all gone now. It's just me left. I never imagined I would be the last holdout. Of course I've made new friends since then but many of them have left as well, or gotten into serious relationships or have somehow lost touch. This is a lonely place and it's hard to meet people and yet I'm always surprised about how many people I know. How can I know so many people and yet feel so alone sometimes? It's odd.
The AIDS Walk and Drag Queen Bingo were last weekend. As always, they were a BLAST! The weather was perfect for the walk and there was a good turn out. True to form, the weather turned bad as soon as I opened my chips at the bbq. EVERY YEAR! No idea why. Drag Queen Bingo was the best it's been so far! I didn't bring a date this year, which worked to my advantage in the end. I had a VIP table and brought some friends and generally had an awesome time. A "friend" at a neighboring table somehow turned into a 5 year old and started throwing markers at me. The first time it was kind of cute, the second was still a little funny, the third was enough. About 40 later I was pissed, the neighboring tables were pissed, and I snapped at him. Also throughout the night I was being wooed by a certain republican legislator. It was odd and unexpected but certainly not unwanted. I've known of this guy for many years and he had a bit of a "reputation" in the past. I'm willing to forgive the past as long as it really is the past and I have to admit I enjoyed the attention. Nobody has tried that hard with me in a long time. I should have probably been a little less aloof but I made up for it by the end of the night. He had been trying really hard with me and asking mutual friends about me and people from two other tables had texted me to see what I thought of the situation. (Yes, I am in fact a 13 year old girl, as are all my friends.) At the end of the night I was dancing and I saw him make his way out to the dance floor, he kind of danced near me and got discouraged and left when I didn't turn to him. (I should have danced with him.) Then a mutual friend talked to me and told me that he's never seen him act like that and wondered what I had done to captivate him. The night was nearly over, I had a long day and I was about to call it a night. So I went to him where he was sitting and told him I had a nice time chatting with him and asked if he had my number, knowing perfectly well that he didn't have it. He said asked me if I wanted him to have it. I told him to give me his phone and I programmed my number into it and instructed him to use it sometime soon. It was an uncharacteristically bold move on my part and I was oddly proud of myself. I figured if he was interested in anything other than a one night stand then he would contact me and we could go from there. Before I even got home he texted to thank me for my number and to say he had a nice time with me. Of course I got all grinny and happy since I am a 13 year old girl. He invited me to dinner last night. Unfortunately, he invited me to dinner at exactly the one time I wasn't able to go to dinner with him because I had a meeting and it was too late to get out of it. Plus I have an added complication coming into my life in about 7 hours.
Picture it: New York City, May 2008. I'm presenting at a conference and this cute guy comes up to introduce himself after my talk. He's an author (+1), has a PhD (+1), and planning on going to the archive I work at to do research at some future point (+2). He seemed nervous and mentioned going to an art show later in the night and I was too dumb to see that was an invitation. We corresponded for several months until he actually did come to town and stayed with me and it was wonderful. My guard was down within minutes and it was just like we had been best friends forever. He left, he got into a relationship, he broke my heart. It was dumb since we live in two different countries (he's Canadian) but I was still pretty heart broken. We had already made plans to meet up in San Francisco the following December and we spent a week together there in this awkward/ wonderful/ unrequited pseudo relationship. Then his real life and relationship took over and we had a lot less contact until recently. He's single again, and regretted pushing me out of his life. It sounds like a booty call but it's not. I like this guy and I'm content to simply be together when we are able and not when we are not. He's one of those people that I'm sure will be a part of my life, complicating things for a very long time, and that's ok. At any rate, he comes in today and will stay with me for 6 days. I'm excited and nervous and basically giddy. As cheese ball as it sounds, when I plan road trips and imaginary dates, he's the one I picture in the passenger seat.
*sigh* Why can't anything ever be simple or straight forward. So, in a week when he leaves I'll have a date with a republican to look forward to. That seemed a lot more exciting until I wrote all this out...
And that's my update.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)