It's spring. The grass is finally green. There are flowers blooming and the lilacs are just about to burst forth in their moment of glory. The long weekend was rainy but that gave me time to work on cleaning out closets. I can now report that my closets are absolutely immaculate but the rest of my apartment looks like a landfill vomited on it. I've always found it sort of ironic that "cleaning" often involves making a bigger mess of things. I kind of feel like that analogy translates into every aspect of my life... but non-metaphorically... I did manage to throw away 6 bags of crap, consign 3 bags of cloths, and make an appointment to consign 2 boxes of books. And my room is the cleanest it's been since I moved in two years ago. I moved all the furniture and somehow I love my room more than I ever have. My lease is up in 5 weeks and my land lady apparently requires 30 days notice if I decide to move out or sign another year lease so that leaves me until the end of the week to decide what in the hell I want to do with myself. I'm sending four job applications to Denver this week and I actually stand a good chance of getting at at least an interview for at least two of them. I'm thinking I might actually get out of here. I know I've been saying that for *checks watch* at least 2 years now... but the time seems right now. I don't think I can handle the thought of signing another year long lease. My land lady is getting increasingly crazy and she plans on replacing the carpet soon. That would mean moving out and I refuse to move all my shit out for just a few days. If I'm moving this junk then I am going to make it worthwhile. Things are actually pretty good with the Czech since the unexpected breakup. I helped him move into his house this weekend and things felt... well... they felt the same. Nothing changed except now we have a sort of a hands off rule. That's a relief since I enjoyed his friendship. He's offered me his spare bedroom. I'm contemplating the idea.
Pros:
I could save money on rent.
I could leave any time if I get a new job or find a better place.
I sort of miss having a roommate.
We get along well.
He's great with my crazy ass dog.
Cons:
Potential weirdness if either one of us starts dating someone.
I've lived alone for over 2 years and he's lived alone for longer so that would take some adjustment.
I'm not sure I like the idea of renting from a friend.
I might have to put some of my junk into storage.
Anyway... I'll think about that. For the one billionth time... I've asked myself what I want and for the one billionth time I don't really know. I do know I'm ready for something new and that's more of a starting point than I've had in years. Things could start getting messy soon.
Well, it's my bed time. I need to get to work early so I can leave early for my yoga class.
Obsession of the night:
Daylight by Matt and Kim, enjoy!
Monday, May 25, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
The Rest of the Story
Since last night's post was fairly cryptic... here is the full story.
It's funny how someone I never called my boyfriend could end up being my ex... but... my now ex boyfriend asked me to come over for a drink and a movie last night. Pretty normal. I brought some movies over. We picked one and he poured some wine and we snuggled up to watch it. It was an exceptionally stupid movie but we both laughed a lot and enjoyed it. The movie got over and it was earlier than I expected so I figured we would mess around a little but then he started a conversation. That was cool since I had actually just decided that very day that we needed to talk more and I was determined to open up to him and be more honest about everything. He asked me how I saw the future. I told him I wasn't entirely sure and that until recently I just wanted to get out of town but I had realized that I am happy here. I surprised myself by saying this, mostly because it was true. For a brief second I reveled in the fact that I could honestly say I was happy. Then he asked me what would make that change. I wasn't sure. My job, my friends, and an unspoken "you." Then he asked where I saw "us" going. Again I wasn't sure. I could feel myself censoring and holding back and being cryptic but I said that I was happy with him and taking things one day at a time and that was enough for me for now. Then in his Czech accent that I've grown to love and in his cutting and somewhat painful honesty that I've grown to appreciate he said: "There is no spark." And I knew it was true. There was no spark. I was happy to spend time with him but I never had butterflies thinking about him and if we went a few days without contact then that was fine. That's not how this is supposed to work. But just the same I was hurt. I wanted there to be a spark. I wanted to be in love. On paper he's perfect. He treated me like a prince, he's funny, he's brilliant, he's an amazing cook, and we had fun together. I had been hoping that the spark would come later and it actually had. For me it started to develop the very day that he broke up with me but he broke up with me before I could tell him. I have no idea if we'll stay friends. I kind of hope we do but when he hugged me for the last time he said "take care" and it seemed to mean goodbye.
It's funny how someone I never called my boyfriend could end up being my ex... but... my now ex boyfriend asked me to come over for a drink and a movie last night. Pretty normal. I brought some movies over. We picked one and he poured some wine and we snuggled up to watch it. It was an exceptionally stupid movie but we both laughed a lot and enjoyed it. The movie got over and it was earlier than I expected so I figured we would mess around a little but then he started a conversation. That was cool since I had actually just decided that very day that we needed to talk more and I was determined to open up to him and be more honest about everything. He asked me how I saw the future. I told him I wasn't entirely sure and that until recently I just wanted to get out of town but I had realized that I am happy here. I surprised myself by saying this, mostly because it was true. For a brief second I reveled in the fact that I could honestly say I was happy. Then he asked me what would make that change. I wasn't sure. My job, my friends, and an unspoken "you." Then he asked where I saw "us" going. Again I wasn't sure. I could feel myself censoring and holding back and being cryptic but I said that I was happy with him and taking things one day at a time and that was enough for me for now. Then in his Czech accent that I've grown to love and in his cutting and somewhat painful honesty that I've grown to appreciate he said: "There is no spark." And I knew it was true. There was no spark. I was happy to spend time with him but I never had butterflies thinking about him and if we went a few days without contact then that was fine. That's not how this is supposed to work. But just the same I was hurt. I wanted there to be a spark. I wanted to be in love. On paper he's perfect. He treated me like a prince, he's funny, he's brilliant, he's an amazing cook, and we had fun together. I had been hoping that the spark would come later and it actually had. For me it started to develop the very day that he broke up with me but he broke up with me before I could tell him. I have no idea if we'll stay friends. I kind of hope we do but when he hugged me for the last time he said "take care" and it seemed to mean goodbye.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Retraction
I take back my previous blog post. I would delete it but I want to leave it as a testament for what was or maybe what wasn't or what will never be. I don't know. I have very little to say right now. So here are some snippets.
Said in a Czech accent I've grown to like, in total honesty I've grown to appreciate: "There is no spark."
There is no spark. It was true. I'm just angry for not admitting it to myself and allowing myself create this fantasy world.
Was I in love with the idea of a relationship more than him? Probably... I wasn't in love with him. But it had only been two months... and yet here I sit crying. What the fuck?
I feel blindsided.
Oddly enough, after "the talk" we had one of the best conversations we've ever had. Maybe it takes something like this to make me open up and be honest. At that point I had nothing to loose.
I appreciate his honesty. He was right. I just wish I could have been honest with myself sooner and seen it before things got to this point.
This sucks.
Back to square one.
Again.
I'll be ok tomorrow.
Said in a Czech accent I've grown to like, in total honesty I've grown to appreciate: "There is no spark."
There is no spark. It was true. I'm just angry for not admitting it to myself and allowing myself create this fantasy world.
Was I in love with the idea of a relationship more than him? Probably... I wasn't in love with him. But it had only been two months... and yet here I sit crying. What the fuck?
I feel blindsided.
Oddly enough, after "the talk" we had one of the best conversations we've ever had. Maybe it takes something like this to make me open up and be honest. At that point I had nothing to loose.
I appreciate his honesty. He was right. I just wish I could have been honest with myself sooner and seen it before things got to this point.
This sucks.
Back to square one.
Again.
I'll be ok tomorrow.
Sign of the Times
Things are changing in the world, and fast. I’m still not sure what to call my Czech friend. For some reason I still stumble on the word “boyfriend.” I guess it’s been less than 2 months since I met him so there is no real rush to assign labels. I just find it hard to introduce him to people since they expect a relationship prefix - this is my “fill in the blank.” Apparently we look far more couple-y than I realized since several times in the past couple of weeks things have happened where people just assume we are together. Don’t get me wrong. I’m THRILLED that the world has changed so quickly and so dramatically that two men shopping for furniture together can be assumed to actually be TOGETHER. It has just been an odd experience for me. It’s been so long since I felt like I was part of a couple that I have a hard time reclassifying myself and can barely imagine why other people would think we’re a couple. Several times I’ve just been standing with him, not being gay or anything and total strangers have picked up on the fact that we are in a relationship of some sort and they almost always assume we’ve been together far longer than we have.
For example… I was at my “fill in the blank’s” house this weekend. He bought a house that needs a lot of cosmetic work done to it. The yard hasn’t really been touched in years and I offered to help him with since I don’t have a yard of my own and I need an outlet for my domestic tendencies. So, there we were in the front yard. He was chopping away at some dead hedges and I was raking leaves and the next door neighbor came over to introduce himself to me. Not to my “fill in the blank” who actually owns the house since he had already met him, but to me. He told me his name asked mine, asked where I worked and then told me about living in the neighborhood and apologized for the beat up truck parked in front of the house and assured me it wasn’t his. Somehow just by seeing the two of us doing yard work together he assumed we were together and that I would be moving in with him. I guess this isn’t SO far from the truth. We are together in some way and I will be spending quite a bit of time there and I suppose some day in the future if things go really well I might live in that house… but… I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that he simply saw two men doing yard work and instantly thought “hey, I have gay neighbors… Awesome!” and then marched over to say hello. It’s amazing. Not only that but the next day when I wasn’t even there the neighbors brought over two pieces of pie for us. How sweet is that?!
I feel exceptionally lucky to have met this guy and I’m so glad that I didn’t dismiss him since our first coffee didn’t go very well. We both have some baggage and we’re both kind of bad at dating so naturally it took some time to let our walls down. Don’t get me wrong… I still have walls but I’m working on them.
He does little things like open doors for me. And when he drops me off at my house he kisses me goodnight and then waits until I am safe inside before he drives off. Last night he bought me an ice cream cone. I had money and it was only $3 but it was really sweet of him. He just picks up on things that I like and dislike and then remembers and acts on them. It’s kind of amazing to me actually. Anyway, I’m blathering.
In addition to having a potentially great “fill in the blank.” We have also made a new friend. He he… “we.” I like “we.” A guy just moved here from Seattle via Boston. He’s going to be teaching in the fall but in the mean time he is just getting accustomed to life here. We’ve hung out with him a few times in the last week including a trip to the next town down for sushi last night. YUM!
I feel like I’m starting a new phase of my life. I’m not used to having the option to see someone I’m “seeing” at any given point. I’m not used to being treated like a prince. (Not to say that past boyfriends haven’t treated me well – it’s just been a while.) I’m not used to having mature “grown up” friends and having long conversations about the artistic merit of songs from the 80’s. Incidentally… Queen is compositionally brilliant. Seriously! I’m not used to having something to look forward to and feeling like I can finally allow myself to have roots. Anyway… this is all very new and sudden but great. It’s spring and I feel like I’m stepping into a new world.
For example… I was at my “fill in the blank’s” house this weekend. He bought a house that needs a lot of cosmetic work done to it. The yard hasn’t really been touched in years and I offered to help him with since I don’t have a yard of my own and I need an outlet for my domestic tendencies. So, there we were in the front yard. He was chopping away at some dead hedges and I was raking leaves and the next door neighbor came over to introduce himself to me. Not to my “fill in the blank” who actually owns the house since he had already met him, but to me. He told me his name asked mine, asked where I worked and then told me about living in the neighborhood and apologized for the beat up truck parked in front of the house and assured me it wasn’t his. Somehow just by seeing the two of us doing yard work together he assumed we were together and that I would be moving in with him. I guess this isn’t SO far from the truth. We are together in some way and I will be spending quite a bit of time there and I suppose some day in the future if things go really well I might live in that house… but… I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that he simply saw two men doing yard work and instantly thought “hey, I have gay neighbors… Awesome!” and then marched over to say hello. It’s amazing. Not only that but the next day when I wasn’t even there the neighbors brought over two pieces of pie for us. How sweet is that?!
I feel exceptionally lucky to have met this guy and I’m so glad that I didn’t dismiss him since our first coffee didn’t go very well. We both have some baggage and we’re both kind of bad at dating so naturally it took some time to let our walls down. Don’t get me wrong… I still have walls but I’m working on them.
He does little things like open doors for me. And when he drops me off at my house he kisses me goodnight and then waits until I am safe inside before he drives off. Last night he bought me an ice cream cone. I had money and it was only $3 but it was really sweet of him. He just picks up on things that I like and dislike and then remembers and acts on them. It’s kind of amazing to me actually. Anyway, I’m blathering.
In addition to having a potentially great “fill in the blank.” We have also made a new friend. He he… “we.” I like “we.” A guy just moved here from Seattle via Boston. He’s going to be teaching in the fall but in the mean time he is just getting accustomed to life here. We’ve hung out with him a few times in the last week including a trip to the next town down for sushi last night. YUM!
I feel like I’m starting a new phase of my life. I’m not used to having the option to see someone I’m “seeing” at any given point. I’m not used to being treated like a prince. (Not to say that past boyfriends haven’t treated me well – it’s just been a while.) I’m not used to having mature “grown up” friends and having long conversations about the artistic merit of songs from the 80’s. Incidentally… Queen is compositionally brilliant. Seriously! I’m not used to having something to look forward to and feeling like I can finally allow myself to have roots. Anyway… this is all very new and sudden but great. It’s spring and I feel like I’m stepping into a new world.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
The Day Shoppers
There is only one place that has the ability to simultaneously frighten, excite, and embarrass me. I’ve been known to actually wear hats and dark glasses when visiting this particular establishment and I often plan my visits for late at night or early on weekend mornings when I’m less likely to encounter too many people. Walmart… *shudder* Living in a small town there are certain things I simply can’t purchase elsewhere so I have to embrace this necessary evil.
I stayed out a bit too late last night with my new gentleman friend (I’m not quite ready to say boyfriend yet) and a new friend that we took out to dinner. The three of us hung out for hours just chatting and drinking wine. It was fantastic hanging out with people a little older than me instead of younger. I had almost forgotten how nice it is to just have an adult conversation. But I digress… I woke up this morning kind of dehydrated and bleary eyed but not overly tired or hung over and decided arbitrarily that I would be taking the morning off to get some chores taken care of. I needed to buy dog food, I needed to clean my kitchen, and I had some hamburger in the fridge that I had been planning on making into a meatloaf before it goes bad. I love that my job is flexible enough that I can randomly wake up and just take the day off for no good reason.
So, I got dressed and made my way across town to the sleeping giant for dog food and various other things. When I’m at big stores I typically refuse to get a cart and usually opt for the hand basket. I sometimes get a combination of claustrophobia and road rage when I have a cart and I get into an aisle and some dumb couple ends up having a fight about what kind of bread they want to buy and unknowingly block the exit to the aisle. That sort of thing really freaks me out for some reason. Actually… about 2 weeks ago I had a mini panic attack while buying toilet paper because a couple was having a fight about what brand they wanted and I ended up just grabbing the nearest 4 pack and left – only to discover I bought single ply sandpaper.
So today… I had a cart since I planned on buying a big ass bag of dog chow. I always feel very white trash buying a huge bag of dog food – in spite of the fact that I buy healthy, "all natural" dog food that costs quite a bit. I got to the dog food aisle and they were out of the big bags of my brand. This happens often and I was instantly pissed. Then I noticed that the smaller 6 pound bags were “on sale” for $10 a bag… The 16 pound bags are $18 so this is not really a good deal and I was further pissed since I imagine they have the big bags in the back but wanted to get rid of the small bags first. I grudgingly put a small bag in the cart since my dog has to eat and I continued my shopping.
I grumpily cruised the aisles tossing things in my cart – I need practically everything so I didn’t bother with a list. Then I found myself in the canned fruit aisle. There was this lady in the aisle wearing a toxic orange outfit with large yellow flowers sewn all over with a matching handbag. She had clearly made this outfit herself and was probably “dressed up” for her little shopping trip. She was examining some canned pineapple and talking out loud to nobody in particular. I got close enough to hear her little tirade and as near as I could tell she was complaining about how “they” have to put everything so darn close together and it makes it so hard for her to find what she needs. It seems she wanted pineapple slices in light syrup and she found it inconvenient that pineapple comes in slices, chunks, and crushed as well as in light and heavy syrup. Somehow in her world people should just know what she wants and eliminate all other options so she doesn’t get confused. After a few minutes of looking and complaining she managed to find what she wanted and then another lady walked past and said “they get you coming and going” to the toxic orange lady. Toxic Orange seemed to appreciate this and agreed. I had to wonder what sort of world these women lived in where canned pineapple options somehow led to their being taken advantage of. I imagine these were the same people that voted for Sarah Palin.
I continued my little shopping trip and for some reason found myself buying hotdogs simply because they were on sale, various types of fresh produce simply because they were there, and then a Mountain Dew since I hadn’t had one in months or perhaps even years. I got in line to check out and surveyed the contents of my cart and realized I hadn’t really purchased anything very useful… I had $60ish worth of dog food, condiments, raw veggies, and junk food. Fantastic… The realization that I would have to go grocery shopping again within a week somehow weakened my resolve and I bought a Shamwow. I sort of hate myself right now.
I stayed out a bit too late last night with my new gentleman friend (I’m not quite ready to say boyfriend yet) and a new friend that we took out to dinner. The three of us hung out for hours just chatting and drinking wine. It was fantastic hanging out with people a little older than me instead of younger. I had almost forgotten how nice it is to just have an adult conversation. But I digress… I woke up this morning kind of dehydrated and bleary eyed but not overly tired or hung over and decided arbitrarily that I would be taking the morning off to get some chores taken care of. I needed to buy dog food, I needed to clean my kitchen, and I had some hamburger in the fridge that I had been planning on making into a meatloaf before it goes bad. I love that my job is flexible enough that I can randomly wake up and just take the day off for no good reason.
So, I got dressed and made my way across town to the sleeping giant for dog food and various other things. When I’m at big stores I typically refuse to get a cart and usually opt for the hand basket. I sometimes get a combination of claustrophobia and road rage when I have a cart and I get into an aisle and some dumb couple ends up having a fight about what kind of bread they want to buy and unknowingly block the exit to the aisle. That sort of thing really freaks me out for some reason. Actually… about 2 weeks ago I had a mini panic attack while buying toilet paper because a couple was having a fight about what brand they wanted and I ended up just grabbing the nearest 4 pack and left – only to discover I bought single ply sandpaper.
So today… I had a cart since I planned on buying a big ass bag of dog chow. I always feel very white trash buying a huge bag of dog food – in spite of the fact that I buy healthy, "all natural" dog food that costs quite a bit. I got to the dog food aisle and they were out of the big bags of my brand. This happens often and I was instantly pissed. Then I noticed that the smaller 6 pound bags were “on sale” for $10 a bag… The 16 pound bags are $18 so this is not really a good deal and I was further pissed since I imagine they have the big bags in the back but wanted to get rid of the small bags first. I grudgingly put a small bag in the cart since my dog has to eat and I continued my shopping.
I grumpily cruised the aisles tossing things in my cart – I need practically everything so I didn’t bother with a list. Then I found myself in the canned fruit aisle. There was this lady in the aisle wearing a toxic orange outfit with large yellow flowers sewn all over with a matching handbag. She had clearly made this outfit herself and was probably “dressed up” for her little shopping trip. She was examining some canned pineapple and talking out loud to nobody in particular. I got close enough to hear her little tirade and as near as I could tell she was complaining about how “they” have to put everything so darn close together and it makes it so hard for her to find what she needs. It seems she wanted pineapple slices in light syrup and she found it inconvenient that pineapple comes in slices, chunks, and crushed as well as in light and heavy syrup. Somehow in her world people should just know what she wants and eliminate all other options so she doesn’t get confused. After a few minutes of looking and complaining she managed to find what she wanted and then another lady walked past and said “they get you coming and going” to the toxic orange lady. Toxic Orange seemed to appreciate this and agreed. I had to wonder what sort of world these women lived in where canned pineapple options somehow led to their being taken advantage of. I imagine these were the same people that voted for Sarah Palin.
I continued my little shopping trip and for some reason found myself buying hotdogs simply because they were on sale, various types of fresh produce simply because they were there, and then a Mountain Dew since I hadn’t had one in months or perhaps even years. I got in line to check out and surveyed the contents of my cart and realized I hadn’t really purchased anything very useful… I had $60ish worth of dog food, condiments, raw veggies, and junk food. Fantastic… The realization that I would have to go grocery shopping again within a week somehow weakened my resolve and I bought a Shamwow. I sort of hate myself right now.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Happy
It's spring. The grass is greening up, the leaves are coming out, the tulips are starting to bloom, and that elusive "L word" is in the air. I'm not talking about Lesbians but I'm not in love either. I have determined I am firmly "in like" right now. Things are going very well with my Czech gentleman friend. I met his friends for the first time last night. I was kind of nervous but I had a great evening with them. It was sort of odd since I was the only American in a multicultural room of people from Holland and Deli and former soviet eastern Europe but I think I did well. I have no idea what they will report back but I enjoyed them quite a lot. I was pleasantly surprised to find that I liked myself when I was around them last night. I sometimes have a tendency to ball up inside myself and revert back to a former version of myself that I didn't like being. But last night I was chatty and social and charming and had a very nice time. :-)
He closed on his new house on Friday and I saw it for the first time yesterday. It's super cute but needs so much work. Painting, tiling, bathrooms to be redone, a kitchen to update, and I won't even mention the basement... It's kind of exciting, even if it's not my house. I finally have an outlet for my nesting/ handy man urges!
We're having dinner with the Mysterious Stranger tonight. I'm not really sure how that will go. I've never been in the same room with both of them before and I haven't seen the MS in almost a month. I'm sure it will be fine though.
Oh, and I'm totally in love with this dude:
He closed on his new house on Friday and I saw it for the first time yesterday. It's super cute but needs so much work. Painting, tiling, bathrooms to be redone, a kitchen to update, and I won't even mention the basement... It's kind of exciting, even if it's not my house. I finally have an outlet for my nesting/ handy man urges!
We're having dinner with the Mysterious Stranger tonight. I'm not really sure how that will go. I've never been in the same room with both of them before and I haven't seen the MS in almost a month. I'm sure it will be fine though.
Oh, and I'm totally in love with this dude:
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