I decided that I want to be Carrie Bradshaw. I finally watched Sex and the City the movie. I hadn't really seen much of the series when the movie came out so I didn't watch it in the theaters. But thanks to TBS I have now seen most of the series, sans all the juicy parts. I know a lot of people didn't like it but I did. Everything worked out and everyone ended up happy. Call me a hopeless romantic but I like that. The world needs more happy endings.
It's been over a week since I had any contact with my Canadian. He's currently in Cuba with his boyfriend. Right before leaving for his trip he was offered an amazing job at a university in Canada and things seem to be going well with the boyfriend. He's happy and his life is progressing so I need to do the same. I'm not the best at letting go but it's long past time. We had a great "something" but it's over now. To poorly paraphrase a line from the movie I just watched: not all romances are epic novels, some are short stories but they are just as good.
I have a second coffee date tomorrow. Twice in one week. That's a good thing right? Of course it's a good thing... I need to trust myself. I was worried about him yesterday and stressing about why an older guy would even be interested in me. He's handsome, smart, funny, cultured, and has his act together. I'm a mess and don't even know what I want to be when I "grow up." But then I remembered that I'm the hot young thing everyone wants. I have a LOT to offer! I've been swatting guys away for so long that it's become second nature to me and I don't even realize I'm doing it. I have no room to bitch about being alone since I'm alone because I choose to be. I want someone to be with but I'm not going to compromise. It's funny... the other night I was cooking dinner for myself and some guy asked me if I wanted to meet up for a movie. I had no desire to go out. I had no desire for him to come here. I had no desire to do anything other than have the evening I had planned for myself. There is nothing wrong with a night at home doing things that make you happy. Could it be that I enjoy being single? Nah... But I'm not unhappy either. Regardless, it's time for a change.
Oh, the modesty of this one... ;-)
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
And Then Everything Was Magically All Better…
I was a little crabby last week. Heck, I’ve been a train wreck for quite a while but that shouldn’t come as any surprise to anyone that knows me. My birthday was last week and it was a really nice day but it just didn’t seem all that “birthday-like.” I really appreciated all of the emails, texts, and comments on my pages but to a certain extent that just added to the distant nature of the day. There were no gifts, no real birthday cake, no party, no silly hats… nothing like that. It was a great day, don’t get me wrong, but it just didn’t seem like my birthday. A great friend took me out for dinner and that was nice, she even drew a table length crayon birthday mural for me and we split 8 tiny beers and lots of great food!
I think I was mostly disappointed with my family. My mom has always gone out of her way to make sure I have a birthday cake and some sort of gift on my birthday. I remember one year where she knew most of my friends were going to be out of town so she mailed half a dozen tiny gifts to me just so I would have something to open and then last year she ordered a cake for me and had me stop by the bakery to pick it up. But this year… I got a card and that was it. It had a check in it so it’s not like I didn’t get anything and I hate to complain but it’s hard to go from having “super-amazing-thoughtful mom” to “here is a crappy card.”
I thought maybe they would make up for the lack of thoughtfulness when I went home the day after my birthday but that sort of just made things worse. I planned on going home Friday afternoon but there was this big random fire outside of town that closed the road I needed. So I called to tell my mom and of course she was disappointed. It seems my grandma was planning this birthday dinner for me that night and I felt horrible that I couldn’t go. Then my mom told me she got me a cheesecake for my birthday. (You know that vaguely gross kind that has four different flavors in it that you get from the grocery store?) I was less than impressed with a crappy cheesecake but when she asked me what I wanted I didn’t specify so I had no room to complain. But… then she told me she had promised to bring dessert to dinner and that she would save me a piece of the cheesecake. So… basically… my mom got me about the least personal and thoughtful birthday dessert possible and then gave it away before I could even have any. I was less than impressed and spent the rest of the evening bitching about it to anyone unfortunate enough to ask about my facebook status.
I woke up Saturday morning and all I wanted to do was to sleep in. I was tired, I was grumpy, I was still upset about the job fiasco from the previous week, I was upset about my lack of birthday and I was not looking forward to driving 4 ½ hours home to help clean out the old house. But I got my ass out of bed, packed a couple things, dropped my dog off at the kennel, and left for home. I got there around mid afternoon and I was tired and grumpy. I hate getting home and being grumpy since I see my family so rarely, I hate to be a jerk for that short amount of time. Everyone was in the old house making the last push to empty it out and get it clean before it’s rented out next month. Most of it was done with the exception of my room, my brother’s room, and the utility room. My brother was sitting in his room unhappily sorting his childhood toys into big trash bags and boxes and I went to my room and did the same. After about 2 hours we decided to call it a day so we could start dinner for my dad since he had to work that night. And that’s when I had my 4 year old style “no cake” hissy fit. I went to the grocery store with my mom and grandma and somehow I just boiled over and complained about the stupid cheesecake my family ate without me and the lack of any actual birthday cake. My mom humored me and had me pick out a flavor and some frosting and somehow that made everything all better. We had dinner in the new house and later that night, even though she was tired and her back hurt, my mommy made a cake for me.
The next morning I woke up and somehow everything just seemed better. I wasn’t upset about all the work drama, I didn’t feel displaced about having to pack away all of my things and sleeping in the guest room, I just felt better in general.
The rest of the weekend I was reasonably pleasant to my family and I finished emptying out my old room. It was a little odd seeing it empty since I was 4 years old the last time I saw it empty. Shutting the lights off and leaving for the last time was sort of weird, but not really in a bad way. It was somehow very liberating to have that chapter of my life over.
When I woke up in the guest room on Monday morning, I felt nervous. I felt like I had some big important meeting coming up or an interview or a date or like something big and exciting was about to happen to me. I had no idea why. Since I had such a weird feeling I almost decided to extend my stay at home for another day since I am really trying to trust my instincts these days. But my instincts told me that it was a good thing that I was nervous about and that I needed to skedaddle back home right away. So, I packed my stuff, took a shower, hugged everyone goodbye and made the 4 ½ hour drive back home.
I got back and discovered the meeting I came back for had been canceled so I went to work for a while. My phone rang 3 times in the first 30 minutes, which is weird since it never rings. I answered a lot of questions and got some work done and was feeling good about my job for the first time in a long time. I forgot that I actually enjoy what I do.
I was chatting with a coworker about a project when my friend “S” beckoned to me from her office door. If I were a middle aged, divorced mother of 3, I would be “S.” So, I went into her office and she asked me to shut the door. We sometimes have little gab sessions in there so I indulged her and shut the door. She was all sorts of excited about something and pulled out a house flier from her desk drawer. I recognized it as a flier for a house about 5 blocks from mine since I had the same flier in my living room from a walk the previous week. It is a super cute 4 bedroom craftsman style bungalow in a great part of town and it was very reasonably priced, but still way out of my budget. Then she asked if I knew “such and such” person. I didn’t immediately recognize the name and she said he was the one selling the house and that she met him that weekend and he was just great. She then went on to list a couple dozen of his best qualities and she seemed genuinely smitten with him. I was all happy for her and asked her “aw, is someone smitten?” And she asked me again if I recognized his name, because he knew who I was. And then I started to get confused… She described him and told me that he was gay and I suddenly remembered meeting him at a reception several months ago. He had just moved to town from San Francisco after a horrible separation from his partner and his friend brought him to the party to meet other gay people. I remember thinking he was cute, I remember having a very short but very nice chat with him, and I decided to keep him on my radar even though I thought he might be a little bit older than me. And then that was it. I never ran into him again but I did worry about him from time to time since I know how hard it can be to move here and he just looked so lonely and something about his loneliness reminded me of myself. “S” suggested that I contact him since she really liked him and thought the two of us would get along really well. It was at this point that I finally realized she was trying to fix me up with him. Even the slowest train eventually gets to the station.
I was flattered but didn’t really know what to do. I had his phone number and email address from the flier and so I decided to just go ahead and send him a “remember me?” email. The next morning he replied and he did remember me, and he even remembered what I did. Somehow after a few quick emails back and forth we had agreed to have coffee that very afternoon. I was suddenly nervous. Was this a date? No, it couldn’t be a date… it’s just coffee. A middle of the afternoon coffee isn’t a date. Is it?
So, I went home at lunch and changed all of my clothes and then ended up putting the same clothes back on and put my contacts in. I have killer eyes, especially when wearing blue, which I was. ;-) We were both early for our coffee “thing.” I was nervous as hell for some reason. He got there a little after me and I was sitting there with a coffee pretending to be busy with my phone. He introduced himself, we shook hands, and he went to get some coffee and I babbled incoherently about my phone for a few seconds. (idiot!) He came back with his coffee and I was still nervously pretending to do something on my phone. I babbled on about my phone for a little longer. And then he just asked if I felt awkward about being there. I assured him that awkward was sort of my thing and that my normal everyday activities had a certain base line of awkwardness. He looked at me and said he didn’t feel awkward, and just like that everything was ok. We had a great conversation about our jobs, our goals, our pasts, art, cooking, pets, naked yoga, all sorts of stuff. Before we knew it, an hour had passed and I had to get back to work. He’s coming in for a tour next week and I will go on that with him and “S” and we sort of left the door open to do something on Sunday or Monday but didn’t make any plans yet. It was all very sudden and unexpected but wonderful. He is about 12 years older than me, which could be an issue but only if we make it one. I have friends far older than him and I am exhausted with dating younger immature guys so maybe this could work. Holy shit… maybe this could work! Weird. No matter what, I think I’ve made a new friend and that is always awesome!
So after our coffee thing I had to rush back to work to talk to someone about an exhibit I am going to curate this April as part of the Shepard Symposium on Social Justice. I’m so excited about it. I think it will be incredibly beautiful and powerful and everything is just magically coming together so far. I was given the last slot of the symposium so it will essentially be the closing reception for the symposium, and the opening reception for the show itself. And… to make matters even more exciting and wonderful… Sir Elton John will be giving a benefit concert that very night across the street and just a few hours after my opening! It was a day full of wonderfulness!
It’s funny… I’m not sure if it was the cake or what… but I suddenly feel good about life again. Everywhere I look I see opportunities, where a week ago all I could see was doors closing.
I think I was mostly disappointed with my family. My mom has always gone out of her way to make sure I have a birthday cake and some sort of gift on my birthday. I remember one year where she knew most of my friends were going to be out of town so she mailed half a dozen tiny gifts to me just so I would have something to open and then last year she ordered a cake for me and had me stop by the bakery to pick it up. But this year… I got a card and that was it. It had a check in it so it’s not like I didn’t get anything and I hate to complain but it’s hard to go from having “super-amazing-thoughtful mom” to “here is a crappy card.”
I thought maybe they would make up for the lack of thoughtfulness when I went home the day after my birthday but that sort of just made things worse. I planned on going home Friday afternoon but there was this big random fire outside of town that closed the road I needed. So I called to tell my mom and of course she was disappointed. It seems my grandma was planning this birthday dinner for me that night and I felt horrible that I couldn’t go. Then my mom told me she got me a cheesecake for my birthday. (You know that vaguely gross kind that has four different flavors in it that you get from the grocery store?) I was less than impressed with a crappy cheesecake but when she asked me what I wanted I didn’t specify so I had no room to complain. But… then she told me she had promised to bring dessert to dinner and that she would save me a piece of the cheesecake. So… basically… my mom got me about the least personal and thoughtful birthday dessert possible and then gave it away before I could even have any. I was less than impressed and spent the rest of the evening bitching about it to anyone unfortunate enough to ask about my facebook status.
I woke up Saturday morning and all I wanted to do was to sleep in. I was tired, I was grumpy, I was still upset about the job fiasco from the previous week, I was upset about my lack of birthday and I was not looking forward to driving 4 ½ hours home to help clean out the old house. But I got my ass out of bed, packed a couple things, dropped my dog off at the kennel, and left for home. I got there around mid afternoon and I was tired and grumpy. I hate getting home and being grumpy since I see my family so rarely, I hate to be a jerk for that short amount of time. Everyone was in the old house making the last push to empty it out and get it clean before it’s rented out next month. Most of it was done with the exception of my room, my brother’s room, and the utility room. My brother was sitting in his room unhappily sorting his childhood toys into big trash bags and boxes and I went to my room and did the same. After about 2 hours we decided to call it a day so we could start dinner for my dad since he had to work that night. And that’s when I had my 4 year old style “no cake” hissy fit. I went to the grocery store with my mom and grandma and somehow I just boiled over and complained about the stupid cheesecake my family ate without me and the lack of any actual birthday cake. My mom humored me and had me pick out a flavor and some frosting and somehow that made everything all better. We had dinner in the new house and later that night, even though she was tired and her back hurt, my mommy made a cake for me.
The next morning I woke up and somehow everything just seemed better. I wasn’t upset about all the work drama, I didn’t feel displaced about having to pack away all of my things and sleeping in the guest room, I just felt better in general.
The rest of the weekend I was reasonably pleasant to my family and I finished emptying out my old room. It was a little odd seeing it empty since I was 4 years old the last time I saw it empty. Shutting the lights off and leaving for the last time was sort of weird, but not really in a bad way. It was somehow very liberating to have that chapter of my life over.
When I woke up in the guest room on Monday morning, I felt nervous. I felt like I had some big important meeting coming up or an interview or a date or like something big and exciting was about to happen to me. I had no idea why. Since I had such a weird feeling I almost decided to extend my stay at home for another day since I am really trying to trust my instincts these days. But my instincts told me that it was a good thing that I was nervous about and that I needed to skedaddle back home right away. So, I packed my stuff, took a shower, hugged everyone goodbye and made the 4 ½ hour drive back home.
I got back and discovered the meeting I came back for had been canceled so I went to work for a while. My phone rang 3 times in the first 30 minutes, which is weird since it never rings. I answered a lot of questions and got some work done and was feeling good about my job for the first time in a long time. I forgot that I actually enjoy what I do.
I was chatting with a coworker about a project when my friend “S” beckoned to me from her office door. If I were a middle aged, divorced mother of 3, I would be “S.” So, I went into her office and she asked me to shut the door. We sometimes have little gab sessions in there so I indulged her and shut the door. She was all sorts of excited about something and pulled out a house flier from her desk drawer. I recognized it as a flier for a house about 5 blocks from mine since I had the same flier in my living room from a walk the previous week. It is a super cute 4 bedroom craftsman style bungalow in a great part of town and it was very reasonably priced, but still way out of my budget. Then she asked if I knew “such and such” person. I didn’t immediately recognize the name and she said he was the one selling the house and that she met him that weekend and he was just great. She then went on to list a couple dozen of his best qualities and she seemed genuinely smitten with him. I was all happy for her and asked her “aw, is someone smitten?” And she asked me again if I recognized his name, because he knew who I was. And then I started to get confused… She described him and told me that he was gay and I suddenly remembered meeting him at a reception several months ago. He had just moved to town from San Francisco after a horrible separation from his partner and his friend brought him to the party to meet other gay people. I remember thinking he was cute, I remember having a very short but very nice chat with him, and I decided to keep him on my radar even though I thought he might be a little bit older than me. And then that was it. I never ran into him again but I did worry about him from time to time since I know how hard it can be to move here and he just looked so lonely and something about his loneliness reminded me of myself. “S” suggested that I contact him since she really liked him and thought the two of us would get along really well. It was at this point that I finally realized she was trying to fix me up with him. Even the slowest train eventually gets to the station.
I was flattered but didn’t really know what to do. I had his phone number and email address from the flier and so I decided to just go ahead and send him a “remember me?” email. The next morning he replied and he did remember me, and he even remembered what I did. Somehow after a few quick emails back and forth we had agreed to have coffee that very afternoon. I was suddenly nervous. Was this a date? No, it couldn’t be a date… it’s just coffee. A middle of the afternoon coffee isn’t a date. Is it?
So, I went home at lunch and changed all of my clothes and then ended up putting the same clothes back on and put my contacts in. I have killer eyes, especially when wearing blue, which I was. ;-) We were both early for our coffee “thing.” I was nervous as hell for some reason. He got there a little after me and I was sitting there with a coffee pretending to be busy with my phone. He introduced himself, we shook hands, and he went to get some coffee and I babbled incoherently about my phone for a few seconds. (idiot!) He came back with his coffee and I was still nervously pretending to do something on my phone. I babbled on about my phone for a little longer. And then he just asked if I felt awkward about being there. I assured him that awkward was sort of my thing and that my normal everyday activities had a certain base line of awkwardness. He looked at me and said he didn’t feel awkward, and just like that everything was ok. We had a great conversation about our jobs, our goals, our pasts, art, cooking, pets, naked yoga, all sorts of stuff. Before we knew it, an hour had passed and I had to get back to work. He’s coming in for a tour next week and I will go on that with him and “S” and we sort of left the door open to do something on Sunday or Monday but didn’t make any plans yet. It was all very sudden and unexpected but wonderful. He is about 12 years older than me, which could be an issue but only if we make it one. I have friends far older than him and I am exhausted with dating younger immature guys so maybe this could work. Holy shit… maybe this could work! Weird. No matter what, I think I’ve made a new friend and that is always awesome!
So after our coffee thing I had to rush back to work to talk to someone about an exhibit I am going to curate this April as part of the Shepard Symposium on Social Justice. I’m so excited about it. I think it will be incredibly beautiful and powerful and everything is just magically coming together so far. I was given the last slot of the symposium so it will essentially be the closing reception for the symposium, and the opening reception for the show itself. And… to make matters even more exciting and wonderful… Sir Elton John will be giving a benefit concert that very night across the street and just a few hours after my opening! It was a day full of wonderfulness!
It’s funny… I’m not sure if it was the cake or what… but I suddenly feel good about life again. Everywhere I look I see opportunities, where a week ago all I could see was doors closing.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Instant Happiness
I didn't think I could love Ellen more! And for the record this is me publicly calling dibs on John Mayer in case he ever turns out to be gay. Enjoy!
and...
Just dance, gunna be okay!
and...
Just dance, gunna be okay!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Valentine's Day Can Kiss My Ass
There wasn't really room in the last blog for a romance update. Having those details in there just didn't seem to fit thematically. So, here it is. I should preface this with an apology since it will sound like me whining about being alone on Valentine's Day (which it will be). I actually had 3 options for Valentine's Day (here after referred to as VD).
I was asked a week or two ago to spend the day in Boulder with the nice Jewish boy. I told him yes. I'm not sure why, I immediately knew it was a mistake. But... he's been trying so hard for so long and he's so cute and has so much to offer. I figured if I gave him one more chance and really tried them maybe we could just create a middle ground. I need to learn to trust myself since I've just never felt it with him. No sparks, no fireworks, no "vavoom," nothing. I am attracted to him, but that can't be everything and doesn't really leave much room for conversation. So, I said yes and regretted it but planned on following through. That was until he sent me a text message saying "I think you should spend the night." This is why EVERY date I've ever canceled him has gone awry. I don't want to spend the night and it makes me really uncomfortable for him to just expect it. Again, that should tell me something. If I was really into this dude then I should be excited about the possibility of getting a little action. But no... not Captain Prudence. So, I told him no and he got his feelers hurt and we called it off.
And that's when CRAZY came back. In a previous blog I wrote about how one of the three people I've ever written out of my life asked to be a part of it again. Months ago this guy went completely nuts on me after we had an argument so I blocked him and wrote him out of my life. He apologized recently and seemed genuine so I forgave the past and gave him another shot. That was about two weeks ago. He immediately started asking me to visit him or if he could visit me here. I was still reluctant since he was REALLY horrible to me the last time and I didn't trust him yet. Against my better judgement (again) I reluctantly agreed to meet him in town for dinner. He ended up canceling since he heard it would snow and I was incredibly relieved. Then he wanted me to go there instead but I had plans already. Somehow this equated rejection in his book, and maybe it was... but come on, there is no reason why I would want to see him just yet. So, all week he's been passive aggressive and bitchy. Then he asked me to spend VD with him. I told him I had other plans (since at that moment I did) but I would let him know if they fell through. He immediately pouted and told me he would just expect to spend the day alone. End of conversation as far as I was concerned. So, last night he asked if my plans fell through. Two sets of plans had actually fallen through by that point and I'll get to that in a minute. So I told him that my plans had fallen through but my week had been hell and I was going home this weekend to recharge. He interpreted this as an indicator that I had been holding out for something better, that fell apart so I was running home to my mommy. I was irritated with this interpretation since it wasn't entirely true but I let it go. I didn't owe him an explanation. We'll return to CRAZY in a minute.
So, there has been a guy that has been sort of walking in and out of my life for a year or two. He was the first guy I dated in a long time that I really liked outside of the Canadian but his family life prevented a relationship. First he was taking some time off to take care of his sick dad, then he moved to Georgia, and now he's just under 2 hours away going to school. So, he went back on my radar. We had been texting and speaking on the phone and flirting for a few days and I realized that I screwed up with him before - big time. I didn't think he was interested so I didn't push matters with him before but he was interested and he thought I wasn't interested since I didn't pursue him. (Stupid boys.) We worked through that and had worked out sort of a calling schedule where we were talking every day or two or three. He calls me "hun" and always has, that makes me melt every time. So, I had hoped to spend the weekend with him since I actually do like him and always have. Then his dad passed away Monday. He had been really sick for a very long time and it was expected. I still feel horrible for him. He flew home to Georgia and will be there for a week or so. I'll see him when he gets back. Poor guy.
So, back to CRAZY (yes, he deserves all caps). I got to work this morning (almost 2 hours late and holding a super sweet latte but nobody noticed either) and I had an offline message from him. He sent it early this morning because he got to thinking and needed to tell me just how horrible and rude I am for brushing him off and how I should stop living in the past and just see him as he is. He then went on to tell me what a horrible person I am for brushing him off for someone else and then was a complete bitch about my decision to go home and "recharge." Incidentally, I'm not going home now and will next weekend, but that's a different story. He sent back a horrible reply calling me names like a "typical fucking fag" and at one point told me that he wants to punch me in the face but I deserved worse. This was all because I was reluctant to spend VD with someone I was 99.99% certain is completely insane. I blocked him again and added him back to my life long list of 3 people I never want to hear from again. A little later I got a friend invite from a stranger, I knew it was him but I accepted and he managed to top himself in sheer insanity. My only reply was "Are you even listening to what you are saying? You sound insane." He didn't reply. It amazes me that someone can be THAT crazy and still somehow manage to function in society.
So... that still leaves me alone on VD. I have already threatened to stay home all day, drink black coffee, chain smoke, and watch horror movies except I hate cigarettes. I still might projectile vomit if I see anything pink or hear shaped.
I also came to the odd realization that the one person I want to be with is completely out of my reach and for some reason I'm using him as a measuring stick for future romances and relationships. I've done that before with someone else, hopefully I get over it. But when I'm in bed at night... he's the one I wish was there with me. *sigh* I'm a hopeless whiney mess.
I was asked a week or two ago to spend the day in Boulder with the nice Jewish boy. I told him yes. I'm not sure why, I immediately knew it was a mistake. But... he's been trying so hard for so long and he's so cute and has so much to offer. I figured if I gave him one more chance and really tried them maybe we could just create a middle ground. I need to learn to trust myself since I've just never felt it with him. No sparks, no fireworks, no "vavoom," nothing. I am attracted to him, but that can't be everything and doesn't really leave much room for conversation. So, I said yes and regretted it but planned on following through. That was until he sent me a text message saying "I think you should spend the night." This is why EVERY date I've ever canceled him has gone awry. I don't want to spend the night and it makes me really uncomfortable for him to just expect it. Again, that should tell me something. If I was really into this dude then I should be excited about the possibility of getting a little action. But no... not Captain Prudence. So, I told him no and he got his feelers hurt and we called it off.
And that's when CRAZY came back. In a previous blog I wrote about how one of the three people I've ever written out of my life asked to be a part of it again. Months ago this guy went completely nuts on me after we had an argument so I blocked him and wrote him out of my life. He apologized recently and seemed genuine so I forgave the past and gave him another shot. That was about two weeks ago. He immediately started asking me to visit him or if he could visit me here. I was still reluctant since he was REALLY horrible to me the last time and I didn't trust him yet. Against my better judgement (again) I reluctantly agreed to meet him in town for dinner. He ended up canceling since he heard it would snow and I was incredibly relieved. Then he wanted me to go there instead but I had plans already. Somehow this equated rejection in his book, and maybe it was... but come on, there is no reason why I would want to see him just yet. So, all week he's been passive aggressive and bitchy. Then he asked me to spend VD with him. I told him I had other plans (since at that moment I did) but I would let him know if they fell through. He immediately pouted and told me he would just expect to spend the day alone. End of conversation as far as I was concerned. So, last night he asked if my plans fell through. Two sets of plans had actually fallen through by that point and I'll get to that in a minute. So I told him that my plans had fallen through but my week had been hell and I was going home this weekend to recharge. He interpreted this as an indicator that I had been holding out for something better, that fell apart so I was running home to my mommy. I was irritated with this interpretation since it wasn't entirely true but I let it go. I didn't owe him an explanation. We'll return to CRAZY in a minute.
So, there has been a guy that has been sort of walking in and out of my life for a year or two. He was the first guy I dated in a long time that I really liked outside of the Canadian but his family life prevented a relationship. First he was taking some time off to take care of his sick dad, then he moved to Georgia, and now he's just under 2 hours away going to school. So, he went back on my radar. We had been texting and speaking on the phone and flirting for a few days and I realized that I screwed up with him before - big time. I didn't think he was interested so I didn't push matters with him before but he was interested and he thought I wasn't interested since I didn't pursue him. (Stupid boys.) We worked through that and had worked out sort of a calling schedule where we were talking every day or two or three. He calls me "hun" and always has, that makes me melt every time. So, I had hoped to spend the weekend with him since I actually do like him and always have. Then his dad passed away Monday. He had been really sick for a very long time and it was expected. I still feel horrible for him. He flew home to Georgia and will be there for a week or so. I'll see him when he gets back. Poor guy.
So, back to CRAZY (yes, he deserves all caps). I got to work this morning (almost 2 hours late and holding a super sweet latte but nobody noticed either) and I had an offline message from him. He sent it early this morning because he got to thinking and needed to tell me just how horrible and rude I am for brushing him off and how I should stop living in the past and just see him as he is. He then went on to tell me what a horrible person I am for brushing him off for someone else and then was a complete bitch about my decision to go home and "recharge." Incidentally, I'm not going home now and will next weekend, but that's a different story. He sent back a horrible reply calling me names like a "typical fucking fag" and at one point told me that he wants to punch me in the face but I deserved worse. This was all because I was reluctant to spend VD with someone I was 99.99% certain is completely insane. I blocked him again and added him back to my life long list of 3 people I never want to hear from again. A little later I got a friend invite from a stranger, I knew it was him but I accepted and he managed to top himself in sheer insanity. My only reply was "Are you even listening to what you are saying? You sound insane." He didn't reply. It amazes me that someone can be THAT crazy and still somehow manage to function in society.
So... that still leaves me alone on VD. I have already threatened to stay home all day, drink black coffee, chain smoke, and watch horror movies except I hate cigarettes. I still might projectile vomit if I see anything pink or hear shaped.
I also came to the odd realization that the one person I want to be with is completely out of my reach and for some reason I'm using him as a measuring stick for future romances and relationships. I've done that before with someone else, hopefully I get over it. But when I'm in bed at night... he's the one I wish was there with me. *sigh* I'm a hopeless whiney mess.
Humbled
This week has sucked. I just want it get over itself so I can sweep up whatever is left and move on.
My big scary meeting at work was yesterday morning and it was actually a lot worse than I anticipated. The only way it could have been any worse would have been if I was flat out fired. I would rather not go into the particulars right now, but it was probably the most demeaning 30 minutes of my life. I had to sit in the board room with the administration and listen as my boss explained to me why I’m completely unqualified to do anything beyond simple clerical work. Turns out my 4 years working here counts for exactly nothing and my eight months running this program has been “supervision” and not “management.” He basically boiled my work and experience down to making fancy photo copies and babysitting. It was pretty insulting. At one point he literally threw the job description at me and asked me just why I even thought I was qualified for the job. From the very beginning, I simply wanted to know why I wasn’t being considered for the job. I honestly felt like I was perfectly capable of doing it. I admit that there were a lot of aspects that I didn’t know, but there were just as many that I am one of the best qualified for. By the end of the meeting I had my answer, but it wasn’t an answer I liked or can ever agree with.
I’m actually feeling a little humbled by the experience. I was really proud of the work I’ve been doing here. I felt good about the direction the program was heading and I felt confident that I could grow into the less familiar aspects of the position. But now… I realize that I am thought of as a low level functionary at work. I’ve tried to be more, but my hands have been tied from the beginning. Once again I feel like Icarus. I flew too close to the sun and my wings melted. At least when Icarus landed in the ocean he got to be an island. But I don’t want to be an island.
The other day I was listening to Michael Buble in my car and the song Home started playing. I’ve always related to this song for some reason. I’m not entire sure why since it’s about being off on this big adventure and just wanting to go home to a loved one. Maybe I am on some sort of adventure but I have no home to long for. I’ve felt really displaced for the last year and a half. The last home I can remember was my apartment with Paige and before that Sheridan was home and before that my parents house was always home. But, one by one, those places stopped being my home. My current apartment has never been my home, so much as just a storage area that I can keep my stuff and wait for the next part of my life to start. It’s never had a warmth that makes me happy to get there at the end of the day.
For the last few years I’ve been waiting. I don’t think I’ve always been conscious of the fact that I’m waiting, but I have been waiting just the same. I’m waiting for someone to see me and recognize what I have to offer and to want it. I don’t think I even care what aspect of my life they want. I’ve been waiting for someone at work to see how good a job I’ve been doing and to lift me up to where I want to be. I’ve been waiting for some guy to come along and be my prince charming and sweep me off my feet. But now I realize that nobody is going to do that. If I want something I’m going to have to decide what I want and take it. Not to go all Carrie Bradshaw… but I think I just need to be my own prince charming and sweep myself away.
No more waiting. It’s time to start loving the life I have, rather than waiting to have a life I will love.
My big scary meeting at work was yesterday morning and it was actually a lot worse than I anticipated. The only way it could have been any worse would have been if I was flat out fired. I would rather not go into the particulars right now, but it was probably the most demeaning 30 minutes of my life. I had to sit in the board room with the administration and listen as my boss explained to me why I’m completely unqualified to do anything beyond simple clerical work. Turns out my 4 years working here counts for exactly nothing and my eight months running this program has been “supervision” and not “management.” He basically boiled my work and experience down to making fancy photo copies and babysitting. It was pretty insulting. At one point he literally threw the job description at me and asked me just why I even thought I was qualified for the job. From the very beginning, I simply wanted to know why I wasn’t being considered for the job. I honestly felt like I was perfectly capable of doing it. I admit that there were a lot of aspects that I didn’t know, but there were just as many that I am one of the best qualified for. By the end of the meeting I had my answer, but it wasn’t an answer I liked or can ever agree with.
I’m actually feeling a little humbled by the experience. I was really proud of the work I’ve been doing here. I felt good about the direction the program was heading and I felt confident that I could grow into the less familiar aspects of the position. But now… I realize that I am thought of as a low level functionary at work. I’ve tried to be more, but my hands have been tied from the beginning. Once again I feel like Icarus. I flew too close to the sun and my wings melted. At least when Icarus landed in the ocean he got to be an island. But I don’t want to be an island.
The other day I was listening to Michael Buble in my car and the song Home started playing. I’ve always related to this song for some reason. I’m not entire sure why since it’s about being off on this big adventure and just wanting to go home to a loved one. Maybe I am on some sort of adventure but I have no home to long for. I’ve felt really displaced for the last year and a half. The last home I can remember was my apartment with Paige and before that Sheridan was home and before that my parents house was always home. But, one by one, those places stopped being my home. My current apartment has never been my home, so much as just a storage area that I can keep my stuff and wait for the next part of my life to start. It’s never had a warmth that makes me happy to get there at the end of the day.
For the last few years I’ve been waiting. I don’t think I’ve always been conscious of the fact that I’m waiting, but I have been waiting just the same. I’m waiting for someone to see me and recognize what I have to offer and to want it. I don’t think I even care what aspect of my life they want. I’ve been waiting for someone at work to see how good a job I’ve been doing and to lift me up to where I want to be. I’ve been waiting for some guy to come along and be my prince charming and sweep me off my feet. But now I realize that nobody is going to do that. If I want something I’m going to have to decide what I want and take it. Not to go all Carrie Bradshaw… but I think I just need to be my own prince charming and sweep myself away.
No more waiting. It’s time to start loving the life I have, rather than waiting to have a life I will love.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Business Professional Barbie - Now with Kung Fu Grip
Ok, I have learned my lesson... never underestimate ANYONE. Round 2 of this weeks interviews continued today. I had very little faith in this applicant. Her resume indicated that she is probably 2-3 years younger than me and had only a year and a half experience in the field as an intern. Significantly less than impressive... So I was trying to keep an open mind and treat her exactly the same as the other applicant, no better, no worse. She sent a revised and updated resume to everyone interviewing her earlier in the week and it was pink... bright pink. Granted... it was her online resume and it was only the border that was pink but it still looked like "Susie's First Resume." Then she walked into my office this morning and she was wearing pink, she had long curly blond hair, and she was clearly younger than me. I'm already the baby at work but she made me look downright old. She seemed... nice. Very bubbly and opinionated and chatty. This made me seriously question my plans for chewing her up and spitting her out in the interview but I promised my office that I would treat both applicants equally so I put my "mean face" back on and went to the interview. I asked the first question and it was a perfect three point landing for her. I let the other three interviewers ask their questions and gaged her ability to skirt questions and throw up smoke and mirrors. She was good, VERY good. The rest of the interviewers finished with her and it was my turn again. I stepped up my game a little and fired away. The force was strong with this one. I presented her with the knife to cut her own throat on several occasions and she just tossed it back at me every time. Toward the end we got into this really weird conversation where I was trying to trip her up and force her to admit that she was full of shit but she knew it and kept her smoke screen up. To the rest of the room it probably just looked like a boring conversation about tech things they didn't understand. Her interview was virtually flawless but I have a feeling that the director saw right threw her. She didn't answer any of my questions directly and instead used each question as an opportunity to talk about something she did know. But at the same time she fluffed up experiences and her own knowledge to make it seem like she had done and knew a lot more than she should have claimed. Her presentation was dull and simplistic. One senior faculty member later commented that it was even "vaguely insulting" since she only talked about things everyone in the room already knew and probably knew more about.
Since my opinion was solicited... I gave it. I was honest. I recommended that they not hire either and asked why I wasn't being considered. I have 4 years experience, 8 months experience as a manager, and the same degree as the person being replaced.
Incidentally, I had a meeting with the history department chair yesterday. I just have to get reinstated to the program, change my program of study, get one grade changed, finish 2 papers, and I'm done!
Since my opinion was solicited... I gave it. I was honest. I recommended that they not hire either and asked why I wasn't being considered. I have 4 years experience, 8 months experience as a manager, and the same degree as the person being replaced.
Incidentally, I had a meeting with the history department chair yesterday. I just have to get reinstated to the program, change my program of study, get one grade changed, finish 2 papers, and I'm done!
Monday, February 2, 2009
Yuppie Conversion 90% Complete
Well, I did it. I bought a Macbook, and I LOVE it! My old laptop was on its last legs and about to expire. The bottom 4 inches of the screen was blinking out, the case was cracked, and it had at least one virus that I couldn’t remove. It lived a long and prolific life but it was time to say goodbye. Soo… introducing my beautiful new aluminum macbook! My precious… I guess this makes me one reusable hemp shopping bag and a Prius away from full Yuppiedom. Or would I be a Guppie… Gay urban professional? I need to work on the “urban” part.
I spent the entire day Saturday waiting for the damn FedEx guy. I felt like I was being held hostage in my own home. I was afraid to do anything noisy like vacuum or dishes for fear of missing my package since I figured the FedEx guy would go to the front door and nobody was up there. It was “guaranteed” to be delivered by 4:30 so I tracked it all day. First thing in the morning: “Yay, it’s in Denver!” Around 9:00 in the morning: “Yay, it’s on the truck for delivery in Cheyenne!” And I waited and I waited… Finally I gave up and was chatting with my land lady on the phone to see if she needed help giving one of her dogs a bath and I saw the FedEx truck show up! That was around 6:00 at night and I had effectively wasted the entire day obsessively looking out the window.
Sunday I spent doing some cleaning, cooking, shopping, and of course playing with my lovely new computer! My back was all buggered up for some reason so that put a damper on the second half of the day.
Today, back to work. The administration brought in the first of the two candidates for my old supervisor’s position, the job I’ve been doing without thanks for 8 months, and applied for 3 times to no avail. I was invited to interview the applicants and I was determined to be a hard ass about it. I was less than impressed with either of the resumes so I spent some time crafting some questions that I knew would be a little difficult to answer and that I already knew the answers to. I had on my “mean face” and went into the conference room. I took a seat right next to the applicant so I wouldn’t have to look at the hiring committee and I fired away. Sometimes my own powers of manipulation terrify me. On three separate occasions I baited the poor guy into admitting that he didn’t know how to do things, and twice he even recognized that I knew more than him. I felt like a jerk. I basically handed him the knife so he could slit his own throat and worse yet, I made him like doing it. But… I had to make the 800 pound gorilla in the room visible. He was not qualified, he didn’t know what he needed to know and he would have to work for me for at least six months. I had to make him say those words so the hiring committee would have to admit the fact. His presentation was good and he seemed like a super nice guy. I would love to work with him but I don’t think I could work for him. Later I found him resting between interviews and spoke to him privately one on one. He flat out asked why they weren’t hiring me and I had to be honest with him. This is when I made my mistake. I saw him as a person. If they hire him I will help him out and I told him as much. But, I’m still going to tell the administration they will have to threaten to fire me if they want me to train him. It’s a bluff… damn it.
The second interview will be on Wednesday. They will make a decision on Thursday afternoon. It’s going to be an interesting week.
I spent the entire day Saturday waiting for the damn FedEx guy. I felt like I was being held hostage in my own home. I was afraid to do anything noisy like vacuum or dishes for fear of missing my package since I figured the FedEx guy would go to the front door and nobody was up there. It was “guaranteed” to be delivered by 4:30 so I tracked it all day. First thing in the morning: “Yay, it’s in Denver!” Around 9:00 in the morning: “Yay, it’s on the truck for delivery in Cheyenne!” And I waited and I waited… Finally I gave up and was chatting with my land lady on the phone to see if she needed help giving one of her dogs a bath and I saw the FedEx truck show up! That was around 6:00 at night and I had effectively wasted the entire day obsessively looking out the window.
Sunday I spent doing some cleaning, cooking, shopping, and of course playing with my lovely new computer! My back was all buggered up for some reason so that put a damper on the second half of the day.
Today, back to work. The administration brought in the first of the two candidates for my old supervisor’s position, the job I’ve been doing without thanks for 8 months, and applied for 3 times to no avail. I was invited to interview the applicants and I was determined to be a hard ass about it. I was less than impressed with either of the resumes so I spent some time crafting some questions that I knew would be a little difficult to answer and that I already knew the answers to. I had on my “mean face” and went into the conference room. I took a seat right next to the applicant so I wouldn’t have to look at the hiring committee and I fired away. Sometimes my own powers of manipulation terrify me. On three separate occasions I baited the poor guy into admitting that he didn’t know how to do things, and twice he even recognized that I knew more than him. I felt like a jerk. I basically handed him the knife so he could slit his own throat and worse yet, I made him like doing it. But… I had to make the 800 pound gorilla in the room visible. He was not qualified, he didn’t know what he needed to know and he would have to work for me for at least six months. I had to make him say those words so the hiring committee would have to admit the fact. His presentation was good and he seemed like a super nice guy. I would love to work with him but I don’t think I could work for him. Later I found him resting between interviews and spoke to him privately one on one. He flat out asked why they weren’t hiring me and I had to be honest with him. This is when I made my mistake. I saw him as a person. If they hire him I will help him out and I told him as much. But, I’m still going to tell the administration they will have to threaten to fire me if they want me to train him. It’s a bluff… damn it.
The second interview will be on Wednesday. They will make a decision on Thursday afternoon. It’s going to be an interesting week.
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