The Path of Least Resistance Is Catching Up With Me Again Today

Again Today - Brandi Carlile

Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones
It's words that hurt the most now isn't it
Are you sad inside, are you home alone
If I could just pick up the phone
Maybe you could see a better day
And you won't waste away
under my watchful eye
Because I'm your hero and you're my weakness

Who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

I'm broken down, not good enough
The broken promises add up
To twice their weight in tears which I have caused

I'm afraid to sink, I'm afraid to swim
I'm sad to say I miss my friends
I know that I'm supposed to step away

But they need me to stay and keep a watchful eye
On all my heroes and all their demons

But who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again
Not today
Not today

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones again today
I'm broken down
Not good enough
The broken promises add up again today

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
Again today

I love Brandi Carlile. This is the last song off of The Story. It's a song I had heard many times but never really listened to until recently. It's funny how sometimes you hear the things you need to hear at exactly the right time. So much of this song seems to apply to my life recently. I should preface the following whiney rant with the fact that I AM mostly happy but I feel like I'm taking a back seat in my own life and letting everyone else call the shots. I'm not really happy with what I have but I'm not willing to do anything about it. Things aren't bad "enough" yet. Sure I hate my job but it is a job. Sure I'm bored and lonely but it could be worse. I'm not especially happy with my situation but I have no way of knowing a new one would be better. To make matters worse I seem to avoid situations that could potentially improve my life. I had big plans for this "seize the day" summer where I live in the present and take chances and have fun. It's only early June but I haven't taken this advice yet. I'm pushing people away. I'm declining dates with guys that seem to be interested, are cute, and are completely respectable. I'm not making any attempt to make new friends to replace the ones that have left. I find myself in a situation once again where I'm the last one standing. Nobody is left. I find myself putting together job applications and then not sending them. There seems to be a theme here... fear of rejection. Is that true? If so, where did this come from? I'm not a fan. Well, not today. Time to start staring in my own life. If I'm bored it's because I'm boring and need to do something about it. Summer of Me, here I come!

Dear Universe: What Do You Want From Me?!

I've been trying to get back into grad school for over a year. The first set back was when the university arbitrarily dissolved the "grad school" completely. This meant that each department with a grad program had to pick up the slack of admitting and advising graduate students and nobody really knew what that meant or how to go about doing it. To complicate matters I was reapplying after being expelled. For the record, I shouldn't have ever been expelled. My advisor's parting gift to me was to rain 3 arbitrary F's onto my transcript in a childish and uncalled for attempt to ruin my academic career forever. Even though the F's made no sense, it still took me the better part of 2 years to contest and remove them. Two were for classes he wasn't even teaching. He went so far as to open a second section of the same class, just to give me another F. It was insane and I really wish I knew what I did to piss him off so much. Once I had my GPA back to a reasonable place I still had to go through the steps of being readmitted in spite of the fact that I shouldn't have ever been taken out of the program to begin with. Luckily, the department felt bad about things and has been "trying" to speed things along. Unfortunately, that has just led to complications and mistakes and has ultimately tripled the amount of time I should take. I've now been readmitted 3 times but I'm still not actually able to register for a class. For the first attempt I worked though the admissions office (seems logical) and they sent me to academic and career counseling, who then sent me on a scavenger hunt through 4 other departments to gain signatures. I was finally provisionally readmitted as a "non degree seeking undeclared graduate student" and told I could take 3 credits over the summer. If I did well in my summer class I could apply to be a "degree seeking declared graduate student." Neat. That sucks... but whatever. A week later I got a phone call from admissions telling me that I had done everything "wrong" and that I was not actually readmitted. Ne elaboration as to what "wrong" meant... just that the path I had taken was for undergrads and someone in the 5 offices I went to (including theirs) should have stopped me. Neat. That sucks more. It was at this point that I decided to abandon my old program entirely and start over in a new program. I went through a series of meetings with the American Studies department and figure out that about 12 credits would transfer, leaving me with 18 to take... so *doing the math* that would take a year and a half to two years to finish if I took one or two classes a semester. Ok, that sucks since I have 36 credits that apply to my history program. At that point, I decided to just suck it up and beg to be let back into the history department. The prof that had torpedoed me to start with was gone so I didn't have to worry about him at least. I set up some meetings and sent a bunch of emails and the process of being readmitted was actually a lot easier than I anticipated. I just had to submit a form to the graduate advisor with a couple very short essays and that was it. I submitted everything they asked for within a day and they rushed it through before people left for the summer and I got a letter saying I was back in! Neat! Attached to the acceptance letter was a form saying that I had to accept their acceptance and to check the appropriate box, sign it, and return it to the history office. No problem. I checked the box saying that I did in fact want to be back in the program, signed it, and personally walked it to the department to personally hand it in. No problem. Almost three weeks passed and I still hadn't received a letter from Admissions (who does NOT actually admit, by the way) and nothing had changed online to allow me to register. I called Admissions and they hadn't gotten my paperwork. I called history and they hadn't seen my final form (the one I personally handed in so it WOULDN'T get lost). The next day I went to the history department to sign a second one and the office guy left immediately to personally hand it to the admissions people. But before leaving he gave me yet a third acceptance letter that was clearly not worth the stationary it was printed on. Another week passed and still nothing had changed so I went to Admissions to ask what was going on. It seems they sent back my form because the chair of the history department hadn't signed it. Fan-freaking-tastic! And they used campus mail so it hadn't managed to meander back to the history department yet. That was yesterday. I'm supposed to call the history department this afternoon to make sure they got my form back and to remind them to return it as soon as possible. Frick! This should have taken a week but I've been getting the run around for a year, seriously, a YEAR! So, universe... are you trying to tell me I shouldn't have an MA in history? What is your problem with my having this degree? I just need like 2 classes and to polish my thesis. No big deal. Can't I have this? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?!?!