Could you stop the ride? I would like off please...

So much going on...

I went back to my alma mater for an interview about 10 days ago. I flew out on Saturday, got in a couple hours early because I got on an earlier flight, checked in to a hotel that was nothing more than a parking lot when I was a student 6 years ago, then went for a walk around campus. So many new buildings had popped up over the years that I actually had trouble finding my old dorm and got a little lost. I'm glad to see that campus has thrived since I left. I spent Sunday polishing my presentation and didn't have anything to do until a 5:15 dinner with the woman that would be my boss, the dean of the library, and the associate dean of the library. All I knew was that I was supposed to meet someone named Karen in the lobby of my hotel at 5:15. At 5:10 I went down to the lobby to wait. At 5:13 a woman wearing an NAU lapel pin came through the doors, looked around, made eye contact with me, and then went to stand by some couches. She seemed to be looking for someone but she didn't seem to think I was the person she was looking for. I made a lap of the lobby, found no one else, and just asked the woman "are you Karen?" She replied with "I thought you would be older." I wasn't sure how to reply... We left the hotel, I got in her blue Subaru and she asked "what did you say your name was again?" I told her my name and thought "wow, you can just take me to the airport... I'm done." She admitted that she thought she was looking for someone else and that she had the wrong information and didn't know anything about me. So... I started rattling off information hoping something would jog her memory... graduated from NAU... came from Wyoming... nothing? She asked if I had a PhD in business... no... MA in History... She talked about the new College of Business building... I was confused. Finally she asked "what job are you applying for?" Turns out she was picking up someone applying to be the dean of the college of business. Two women named Karen both driving blue Subarus picking up two guys at the same hotel at 5:15. What are the odds? She drove me back to the hotel, saw the other Karen (the one I was supposed to be with) and they gave each other a hug, made a joke about stealing candidates and then I was off with the proper Karen. It was pretty funny. The actually interview process was about 8 hours long and included a full day of meetings, interviews, a lunch, tours, a presentation, and more Q&A sessions than I thought possible. It was exhausting but overall very pleasant. I flew out very early the next day and was home by mid afternoon.

Some thoughts on the interview, being back at NAU, and the prospect of moving back to Arizona:
It was amazing to be back at NAU in that capacity. I was so unhappy there as a student and somehow knew I would have to go back and face some demons but wasn't sure in what context. On some level I was afraid to find the person I was when I lived there - a depressed, self hating, person struggling to find himself and not liking what he was finding. I don't know why that person would still be in Arizona, he doesn't exist anymore. Instead, I found that Flagstaff is actually very gay friendly and that I was surrounded by resources that I never took advantage of. It seems like a great place to live. I'm still not sure I want to live there... but there are certainly much worse places. It will probably be another week before I hear if I have a job offer or not. I'm still not sure if I would take it. I've gone back and forth on this one since I left. The job itself is a huge promotion and pays considerably more. The work would be somewhat less interesting and much more narrowly defined. Their collections are maybe 1/10th of what I'm used to and fall into a very sharply defined collecting field. The people seem nice, the library is beautiful, the town is good, but I'm not sure it's what I want. It's hard for me to determine what would be best since my only comparison is to my current job, which I fully plan on leaving no matter what. So now I'm comparing this potential new job to an imaginary life yet to be determined. And in spite of a firm resolution to not let him be... my boy in Utah is now a factor. I think he might move to Arizona to be with me but I hate to ask that. It's too much pressure on a relationship to move somewhere you don't want to be for the sake of the other person's career. Which brings me to the second half of this blog...

After returning home from my interview I turned around and left again about 24 hours later and made the 5 1/2 hour drive to Salt Lake City to spend 5 days with my boyfriend. The timing of this trip was bad since I didn't really have time to take another 5 days off after taking 4 off to go to Arizona but I did it anyway. The drive there was uneventful and sunny. I got to his house and was so happy to see him! We went out for sushi at this really interesting place that used to be a church but is now a sushi bar. We had great conversation and then went home. The next day we went to Ikea together. This is something he's been wanting to do for some time and once we were there he admitted he wanted to go to Ikea with me to get a feel of what it would be like to be married and go shopping for home furnishings. Aw... :-) We pretend shopped for home furnishings, he bought me finger puppets (which I put up a fight about but secretly really wanted) and then we went to Whole Foods and bought a few groceries. Later that night we went to this amazing Cajun place for dinner. We each had a beer and regretted it and ate way too much food, which we also regretted. It was fun though. We chatted and ate and I loved it. The next day we went to the aquarium and petted sting rays and star fish and watched some penguins swim around. The sting ray felt like a giant wet mushroom, the star fish was surprisingly rigid, and the penguins were cute! We ended up at an English tea house and had sausage rolls, a first for me but very good with HP sauce. After that we drove around and randomly ended up going to a movie. We saw Paul (which was a lot of fun and oddly enough set in my home town "sorta"). After the movie I think we went home and ate some leftovers. At some point we went out to some clubs and I met a few of his friends. Neither one of us drank and we got kind of tired so we didn't stay out long. The next day we went to Park City. We ate at an amazing Irish pub, where I had the best corned beef sandwich of all time. We shopped a little and then headed home to rest for a bit before having dinner with his two best friends at this great gay owned Mediterranean place. We had some amazing kebabs and then went out for bubble tea, another first for me. It was sweet and kind of gross but fun at the same time. There was a poetry slam going on, which I got kind of defensive of. It is really easy to make fun of a poetry slam if you've never gone to one but I have friends that do it so I felt sort of protective, which caused a bit of a squabble that was later resolved - the first and only fight of the weekend. Half way through my bubble tea I started feeling a little under the weather and the next day I woke up with a cold. We were supposed to go out to a birthday party at a club but we didn't stay long since I wasn't feeling well. The next day we slept in and kind of just laid low. We had a late lunch at this huge salad bar buffet, which was sort of lame but I loved. We relaxed all afternoon, watching movies and cuddling. We were supposed to have dinner with some of his friends but we canceled and stayed in to eat leftovers. The next day I had to go home in the snow with a cold. I hated it. I almost turned around half a dozen times but knew the longer I stayed the harder it would be to leave.

I got home and felt like I left an appendage behind. It is really shocking to me how much I miss him. In retrospect, I spent 5 days with him and we never left each others sides for more than a few minutes and I didn't get tired of him. That's a big deal for me. I get sick of people and I generally want some alone time. I'm falling for this dude, and hard. I'm just not sure what to do with that. I want to be with him in the same town and maybe even live with him but I don't know how to make that work. We both have jobs that we don't especially love... but they are good enough that it's hard to leave without something else waiting. Plus I don't want to move for him and I don't want him to move for me... so that complicates matters. It's a leap of faith that has to be made carefully to avoid resentment. I don't want to stay here and I've said that for years but I'm not sure how to leave either. Anyway... it's been a roller coaster the last couple weeks with no slowing down for a while. I have SOOO much homework to get done in the next 3 weeks, it's kind of daunting. I'll get there though, I always do.

To let loose,
To let free,
To breathe in,
To breathe out,
Peace out.

Narf...

I don't remember being this tired for so long ever before in my life. I have no idea why I'm even tired. I've been getting enough sleep but I wake up in the morning just exhausted. I'm reasonably sure it's just stress. I feel like I have more on my plate than I'm able to deal with and that's a heavy feeling. Realistically, I just need to deal with one thing at a time. This week (before the end of the day tomorrow) I need to finish an article review, read and review a second article, finish my presentation for my job interview in Flagstaff, and pack. Then it's off to Arizona for a few days. I'll get there a day early so I should be able to just relax and unwind in the hotel room and polish my presentation. Sunday night the interview process starts with dinner with the head of special collections and the dean of the library. That shouldn't be so bad. Then the process starts at 8:30 the next day with a tour of the library followed by a full day of meetings and interviews capped off by a presentation and then a tour of campus and then I'm off the hook at 5:00. I'll get up early the next morning and fly home. I should be back in town by early/mid afternoon. That will give me part of Tuesday and some of Wednesday to catch up on some work, go to class, pack again, and then make the 6 hour drive to Salt Lake City. I'm torn on this trip. It sounds really relaxing and fun and I'm sure I'll have a great time... but I don't have 5 days to dink around. When I get home I'm going to have to hit the ground running. I will have roughly 4 weeks to finish and present my thesis, complete an entire internship, finish my other two classes, and potentially pack all my shit and move my life to Arizona.

Part of me hopes they don't offer me this job. But part of me is a huge coward too. Change is scary but I can't stay where I'm at forever. I've been in an entry level job for almost four years making so little that the only place I can afford to live is a rented room owned by an eccentric Czech. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE where I live but it's temporary. My stuff is 80% in boxes and some day I'm going to need to grow up and get my own place again.

I guess I need to just stop thinking ahead and live for today. I don't need to finish the entire semester today. Today all I need to do is finish a powerpoint presentation, add a page and a half to a review, and read a 20 page article. No big deal. Tomorrow all I have to do is pack a bag and write a 3 page review. Also no big deal. The day after I have to travel to Flagstaff on someone else's dollar and then hang out in a hotel. Not so bad.

I realize this blog post isn't that interesting. It's basically my way of calming myself down and screaming into the dark.

So, new tune: Yay, I was invited for a job interview at a cool place and I'm getting a free trip to my alma mater! Yay, I made the cut from 200+ people to 2-3 people! Yay, I get to go to Salt Lake City and spend a few days with my amazing boyfriend and go to a Holi Festival (something I've wanted to do for years)! Yay! Fun times! No need to think about what comes after since I'll be caught up before I go and I'll deal with the rest when I get back.

Wow, that actually worked and I feel better...

To let loose,
to let free,
to breathe in,
to breathe out.
Peace out.